World-historical dumbness
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Family Circus, 6/21/24
Lord, I am a simple man, and one of my favorite Family Circus bits is when Jeffy just says some of the dumbest shit imaginable. Today’s dumb shit is particularly fun for me because it’s actually two different kinds of dumb shit that are a little bit in tension with one another. Because on the one hand, do you think other animals have to buy clothes? Maybe you think they should, but they clearly don’t. And second, you know that the turtle isn’t in his shell, but, biologically speaking, he is his shell, right? It’s part of his body; there’s not some naked little shell-less turtle inside of it. Like, imagine a scenario where a turtle ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, and his eyes were opened, and he realized that he’s naked. He’s going to have to make or buy clothes for himself! His shell doesn’t count! He’s going to have to pull his clothes over his shell, and how stupid is that going to look?
Hagar the Horrible, 6/21/24
Oh, my friend! That raise was never yours! In this economic arrangement Hagar, the owner of the boat, is capital, and you are labor. You receive the prevailing wage as your salary, and Hagar appropriates the surplus value generated by your efforts for his own uses. Don’t let misogyny blind you to the economic realities of your situation! Your choices are submission, entrepreneurship, or revolution!
172 replies to “World-historical dumbness”
HtH: So, she’s a LAGE woman? I wouldn’t hesitate to call her a large one.
MW:
“I practically collapsed in a paroxysm of self-pity, complaining about each and every facet of my life, which is why Mary organized this intervention in the first place. So you’re probably all saying to yourselves: what’s this guy doing cramming a muffin in his mouth, then? Well, see, I keep picturing all these muffins in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of muffins, and nobody’s around except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch the muffins and eat them, if someone, understandably, tries to throw them over the cliff — I mean, they’re flying and they can’t control where they’re going. I have to come out from somewhere and grab them and eat them while complaining about my predicament in having to do so. That’s all I’d do all day, I’d just be the kvetcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to do.”
FC: Look at that smug little motherfucker knowing that he can say the stupidest thing possible and someone’s going to think it’s cute.
HtH: I don’t think you have the job security to ask for a raise, buddy. You have to do a lot more independent pillaging on the side.
MW: You can always count on Eve to not have any personality beyond her dog, even when the misanthropic lawn gnome she’s married to is sitting right next to her. But would you want to brag about being married to Old Man Wynter who only cares about his currently living dog? Those dogs deserve better…
GT – This is the way the game ends. This is the way the game ends; not with a TANG, but with a whimper.
MW – Misplaced a modifier there, Moy. What Eve meant to say was “A gathering of simple friends”.
Mary Worth Mashups: What if today’s strip went on for another panel or two? Click and see.
RMMD-“He’s like some sort of bully from the Fifties.”
MW-So if you go into a depressive spiral over the loss of a pet just have friend throw a funeral for the pet. That will cure your depression.
FC: I like that Jeffy and the turtle seem to have the same expression. It’s probably the closest thing he has to a mental peer in the family, now that Barfy learned to fetch.
HtH: “Whelp, sell the children into bondage for food, I guess. We should do that today, the price of slaves will plummet by winter…”
Sally Forth: I laughed. I laughed a manly laugh at the old biddy underground poker game hijinks.
MW-Makes you wonder who is more unstable and which one the friends are humoring more. Mary or Wilbur?
MW: And then the dogs ate Stellan’s corpse, and there was much rejoicing.
By the way, kudos to Eve for showing up to this event and not
jerking Wilbur offindulging in Wilbur’s attention seeking behavior. She’s not dressed in any sort of funeral attire save for her black neckerchief and she’s just regarding this as a gathering of friends. It’s like she knows Mary can’t do anything worse to her than what she’s currently living through.HtH: Read that as “Large Women’s Wear Shoppe” — accurate, but kind of rude.
HtH: Mr. Underling isn’t actually that bitter. It’s just custom to dish out a bit of light-hearted derision when visiting the Persiflage Women’s Wear Shoppe.
CS: The Funkyshaftverse is a strange place. Names can be copyrighted, film actors can shut down an entire small town on a whim for their $250m movie premiere, 67-year-old women become pregnant, and serial arsonists and known child abusers go unpunished for decades. Anything is possible! Well, except laughter.
DT: What kind of form was Liz reading? How did it significantly connect Cherry Bimm to Mr. Pierce? How much information do the MCU already have on Cherry? What kind of approach is Dick planning to take with her? What is the juicy material that Ms. Schott gave to Sarah Phim? How much of it can Mr. Gabriel actually use without legally compromising himself? Apart from petty revenge, what does Ms. Schott get out of this arrangement that is worth risking her livelihood and freedom? Who is Mr. Gabriel calling? Why does he expect them to give him the information he wants? How many dollars is Sarah being allowed to filch from the office swear jar? Guess which one of those questions is the only one that has a concrete answer!
FC-“PJ, get me a rock.”
FC-“C’mon, turtle. Show me some of your ninja moves.”
It just occurred to me that Jeffy doesn’t buy clothes either so is he talking about himself? Does he think he’s a turtle? Probably one of the more viable career paths for a kid of his limited capabilities — I would encourage him.
@Old School Allie Cat: Whew! For a minute there, I was afraid you were going to comment on all the dangling modifiers at that gathering…!
FC: Did Bil and Thel recently send Jeffy out on an errand to buy clothes? How did that go?
MW:
“To thank all of you for coming out on my behalf, I’d like to do some parodic karaoke about how Mary here found me in a state of disrepair, with detritus from pizza pies flung throughout my place. Ahem.
“When I sigh and they say ‘He’s too stressed,’
Gummin’ dough through a pace that’s the best
When I lay me down to sigh
Goin’ up to the spirit in the pie
“Goin’ up to the spirit in the pie (spirit in the pie)
That’s where I’m gummin’ dough when I sigh (when I sigh)
When I sigh, and they say ‘He’s obsessed’
I’m gummin’ dough through a pace that’s the best
“Despair yourself, you know that you’re mussed —
Gotta have a friend in Cheez-Its
So you know that when you sigh
They’re gonna reprehend you to the spirit in the pie (spirit in the pie)
“Oh, they’ll reprehend you to the spirit in the pie
That’s where you’re gummin’ dough when you sigh (when you sigh)
When you sigh and they say you’re obsessed
You’re gummin’ dough through a pace that’s obsessed
[bridge]
“Never been a winner; I never win —
I got a friend in Cheez-Its
So you know that when I sigh
They’re gonna set me up with the spirit in the pie (spirit in the pie)
“Oh, set me up with the spirit in the pie (spirit in the pie)
That’s where I’m gonna go when I sigh (when I sigh)
When I sigh and they say ‘He’s obsessed’
I’m gummin’ dough through a pace that’s the best —
Dough through a pace that’s the best”
[outro]
9CL: Are the twins going to hump the piano in unison?
MW: Eve hits just the right note of idiotic chic by matching mourning accessories with a dog. This is a woman who was born to attend a fish funeral.
HtH: I dunno, start a thralls’ union?
RMMD:
“Say, Corey, does your mom still have that staple gun of hers? Not that you would actually use it on the kid, of course — violence begets violence — but maybe you could brandish it in order to back him off!”
Josh, it was a hard night at work last night. Your HtH comment- “submission [never!], entrepreneurship, revolution” is advice sorely needed.
Oh, and you’ve said you’ve never used illegal drugs. Ok, but why when I type in “joshreads” half the time my phone autocorrects it to “joshreafs”?
Going back to bed and will try getting up on other side.
@Activist 1234: You’re looking for “joshreefs,” I think.
Points to Helga for creatively skewering an extra box on the horns of her helmet! Fewer points to Hagar for jamming a box all the way down over his head and asphyxiating.
FC: Jeffy’s Pavlovian reaction of shitting whenever he squats obscures the finer points of his argument.
“Wait! Where you going?”
MW: I really hope everyone thinks they are going on Dr Jeff’s boat and looks at him expectantly when they arrive at the pier.
GT: “Ting” sounds like a ground out to short. You need to really “Tang” the ball to reach the outfield. “Klong” is what a home run sounds like.
HtH: Isn’t the Hagar the Horrible brand basically Hagar looting villages and remembering (or more often, not remembering…men, amirite?) to bring something home for Helga?
FC: Jeffy, the shell is the turtle’s house…you’re going to have to get in there good and salmonella close to see whether it’s wearing clothes.
Family Circus – That turtle knows he might be slow, but unlike Jeffy he isn’t dumb.
Hagar the Horrible – The problem for this Viking is that, outside of mediaeval craft guilds, worker organization hasn’t come up yet. Even if it did come, the general illiteracy makes punny picket signs like “Give us a raise or we raze!” useless to get their point across to the general public.
HtH: Have you forgotten that you’re a Viking? Your boss’s hands are full and his vision is obscured as his wife leads him around by the nose. Attack him with an axe and take his goods! Take Helga to be your housemaid! Burn that snooty store! Rename his comic strip!
Hagär the Horrible: So we’ve got a thief, a wife, and I’m going to go ahead and assume mopey guy is the boat’s cook. If Helga’s in a sapphic relationship with that other woman, stand by for some cannibalistic good fun!
The Family Circus: “The spectacle is not a collection of images; rather, it is a social relationship between really, really dumb people that is mediated by cute turtle images.” — Guy Debord, probably
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: Also, Hi Carl! Good to see you getting out these days.
@pugfuggly: One of the better, if inappropriate, jokes on the all-too-short-lived Greg the Bunny show was Tardy Turtle, whose main characteristic started off being his lateness and quickly morphed into the other meaning of the word.
Also The Family Circus: Countdown to tragic loss of fingers and learning about snapping turtles in 3…2…
FC: Jeffy continues; “Now take a bear, for example. He doesn’t wear clothes; but if you take off his skin and wear it, it becomes clothes.” To which Dolly adds; “That’s called the ‘bear necessities’.”
Phantom – KAFROOOSSSH! *
(* Splash in the Bandar tongue)
@Baja Gaijin: I’d say number one is the best mash up, mainly because Wilbur looks mashed up.
I admit to being somewhat charmed by Helga portaging one of her packages by impaling it on her inaccurate, ahistorical horned helmet. I am somewhat less charmed by Hagar carrying packages until he is rendered a mass of boxes with legs, which I thought was Dagwood’s schtick. I know that large yellow box is supposed to be balanced on his left shoulder but the way it’s drawn, the only possible layout is that he’s walking around with his head in there.
MW: As Mary’s guests nannered on, sharing their feelings about dead animals at her funeral party, Dr. Jeff paced the dock, his growing impatience showing in the grimace on his sunburned face. Stellan’s burial at sea was beginning to cost more than time and effort. Idling those engines in readiness to cast off had already cost him three refills of the twin fuel tanks on his yacht.
Fuming, he nimbly jumped the distance from the dock onto the deck, then stalked into the salon and sat at the built-in mahogany desk. Jeff slid his logbook across the varnished surface and opened it to a blank page. Then, pulling a pencil from the desk drawer, he absently stuck his tongue out slightly at the upper corner of his mouth, and began to calculate.
His outfit…the catered meal that waited in the galley…champagne…Kleenex…gas…oh, and the dock fee! Jeff added the figures and his eyes opened in alarm. “As much as THAT?!” he gasped, and hurriedly rechecked his figures. $7,865.89 was correct. He took out his phone and opened the website for Santa Royale’s fish store. “Let’s see…goldfish with eyelids…goldfish with eye—WHAT THE FUCK! This thing cost 79 cents? And now it’s discounted because goldfish with eyelids are undesirable MUTANTS??!!”
At that moment,his phone rang and he barked an angry “HELLO!!”
“Hello, Jeff, dear!” Mary’s silky-smooth voice held that familiar mixture of smug sympathy and higher knowledge. Usually, he found it more provocative than even her purple blouse with its suggestive cowl neck and the draping fabric that hinted maddenly at her pendulous breasts. His loins stirred, unbidden, at the thought of that blouse. Then his eyes fell on the heavily circled $7,865.89 in his logbook, and the broken No. 2 pencil with its fresh bite marks and shattered tip, and he felt his salty longshoreman’s gorge rising, the pent-up vitriol he had stemmed over his many long years as Mary’s pet eunuch, and he worked his jaws like William Shatner in a rage and with newfound resolve Dr. Jeff Cory opened his mouth….
“Yes, dear…?”
FC: PJ is just waiting for Jeffy to contract salmonella.
HtH: Today I learned Helga is a University of Texas fan.
MW: “I’m glad Mary arranged this gathering for our simple friend.”
HtH — Come on, people… I can’t be the only one who sees it.
Best part of bein’ a Jeffy is that if you survive to adulthood without having choked to death on a Lego you’ll already have exceeded expectations.
DtM: Wilson is holding a newspaper. Was he sitting on the toilet reading the whole time while Dennis brings more and more kids into the bathroom? I know men like him who were in the service overseas are less self-conscious about communal shitting but still, it seems a bit much. Although the boys seem to be getting a kick out of it.
HtH – This strip takes place before the invention of the Oxford comma.
Hagar was surprisingly progressive for a Viking, unafraid of cross dressing crew mates and willing to supplement their salary with the latest frocks.
Frazz: It’s heartworming to see Caulfield is an asshole to almost all the adults in his life.
Luann: Luann is obviously the best candidate to watch Shannon, but you don’t want that child regressing further.
CS: Batiuk really shouldn’t consult with McEldwoney on maintaining continuity in his comic. Oh well, next week I’m sure we’re going to see how Funky Winkerbean or someone else who is the same age as Cindy has been dealing with the decrepitude of old age.
9CL: Twenty years
on this planetin the Void, and they’ve always done everything the same. Being a twin in the Brookevoid is hell.MW: Later on, Estelle and Ed will invite Wilbur over for funeral yoga.
Zits: If Jeremy falls off the couch, you’ll know he’s having the “drunken riding lawn mower” dream.
MW: “No, Eve, you don’t understand. Having fish is way better because you don’t have to clean up after them. At least I never did.”
CS “If it’s a boy, I’m going to name him Jupiter Buck. If it’s a girl, I’m going to name her Star Moon. Pretty clever, eh?”
JP: “Or the studio makes her put in an appearance at a premiere of some stupid movie in some podunk town in Ohio.”
@Baja Gaijin: Awww, it’s nice to see how Dawn is doing.
MW: A moment of non-irritation here, these two simpletons are VERY well written. We all know those people whose entire personality is their dog. I’m happy that two of these troglodytes were with it enough to find each other.
Even still, the one thing you’ll never find? Someone whose entire personality is their fish. Their goldfish. Sorry Wilbur, still even the Doggersons think you’re a whackadoodle
@Kevin on Earth: re GT: With that launch angle, it also looks like it’s going to be a one-hopper to second base for an easy out or two, depending (Barajas gave us the inning, score, base runners, and count, but neglected to tell us how many outs there are currently). Somehow, though, I’m guessing this -5 degree doink from the team’s weakest hitter will transform into a 25 degree 110 mph Giancarlo Stanton nuke for a walk-off grand slam. Yes, even though it’s the top of the inning. Barajas.
HtH – I got a chuckle out of Helga’s impaling her package on her hat-horns.
@Joe Btfsplk: Look, Hagar’s diet hasn’t been the greatest, and with his blood pressure issues the old longboat just isn’t as sturdy as it used to be. Be polite and pretend not to notice.
HtH — “Your choices are submission, entrepreneurship, or revolution.”
Precisely how I feel when responding to this blog.
GT – Dorothy makes contact with a “ting.” In previous bat-hitting-ball strips, we’ve heard “tang.” Here’s hoping we’ll get a “walla walla bing bang” soon.
9CL – So, what now?
Have Amos and Edda both aged by over a decade along with everyone else? Are they still performing classical musicians, or have they retired and now its Alistair and The Twins on the fiddle and pianner?
Will we continue to see endless flashbacks to Catholic School and wondering what grownups do when they are alone together?
Are The Twins still in lust with Alistair aka Amos with a Chin? Or have they moved on from that?
Or do we wake up on Monday and The Twins are back to being little kids playing Jacks, and nu-Amos has gone home with mummy and dada and is no longer boinking one or both of the twins in between his bouts of vomiting brought on by the very idea of heterosexual intercourse?
@54 jroggs: What? [looks again] Still don’t see it. [looks again again] Ohhhhhhhh. Color monkey fail.
Hagar: At this particular era in history, Viking society is apparently changing into a strange system of commerce whereby the warriors like Hagar go out and sack other nations for their wealth, but instead of just keeping their plunder for themselves they bring all their loot back home and then turn it over to some new mercantile class that in turn sells it back to the Viking warriors. This is a truly unusual stage in the evolution of the Viking economy towards that of the modern Scandinavian socialist state, but how else do you explain the existence of establishments like the Village Pillage Women’s Ware Shoppe?
FC: A turtle realizing he’s naked: Rule 34, a discarded subplot from Animal Farm or the opening scenario to this Sunday’s Slylock Fox mystery?
The mind boggles at the complex network of VPNs Brooke must use to avoid an armed law-enforcement raid on his compound.
MW: “I’m glad Mary arranged this simple gathering of friends.”
“Me too.”
“Well I’m not. This is stupid. Ian’s the only other person here with a lick of sense. I’d go have a snort with him, but I can’t stand him. Eve, I’m outta here.”
You know who else doesn’t have to buy clothes? Children, because their mothers buy them! Check your privilege, Jeff!
HtH: Hagar should be grateful. Usually the husband in these outdated “women be shopping” jokes is expected to pick up the full load of his wife’s purchases as well as the tab, but Helga’s doing her share. (Just make sure you kept the receipt for whatever’s in that purple box; you might not be able to convince the shop that the puncture marks from her helmet horns were there when you bought it, but it doesn’t hurt to try!)
MW: Hey, Kids!
It’s: “Let’s Pretend to Like and Care About Wilbur Week“!
The Charterstone
InmatesResidents know that if they don’t then Mary willsmitegaslight(they don’t realize she does that – shhhhh…)give them muffins made from expired food stuffs like she does for the Charterstone dogs(they don’t realize she does that either – shhhhh…) lecture them about human kindness and appeal to their “better nature” or something hypocritical.Just kidding! They love to see that sociopathic malignant narcissist of a Wilbur suffer— and that is a party in itself!
Ha! Ha! wink*
@Inspector Gotcha: Gentle Folk of the Gallery, Mary Worth
proudlypresents to you: Charterstone Barbie!Hagar – Most of the anachronistic elements in today’s strip are necessary for the premise of stealing the visual gag from Blondie, but the trash can? That’s just gratuitous!
Don Abundio, translated:
“Rats! My ball went into the pond!”
“Whoever catches this club can play the rest of the game for me!”
“Not bad, this tree shot a 72 once”
@Braxwell Brontë: For a moment there I thought you were talkin’ to me, but I ain’t so gentle.
Hagar: This is actually kind of sad. Hagar travels the world and risks his life (and those of his crew) to steal the finest clothing, shoes, and jewelry from the great royal houses of Europe and beyond. And then he has to sell it all and buy local crap, because none of it fits his wife.
Blondie: As a connoisseur of heavily spiced food, this might be the worst thing that Dagwood could hear — that other people can smell what you’ve been eating from several feet away.
“My Boss, His Wife, and My Raise” is my second favorite Peter Greenaway movie.
FC: We now know that Jeffy will never get a Ph.D. in herpetology. Or anything else. Or probably never graduate from 1st grade, if he makes it that far.
Look, whatever your name is… the best part of being a turtle is the ninja gear, pizza, skateboarding, and the odd interspecies attraction with a redheaded journalist. Come on, kid, learn a little pop culture.
@taig: #50
Gentle Folk of the Gallery, Mary Worth
proudlypresents to you: Charterstone Elmo!GA: Doggone it…that tabby cat is the cutest thing ever!
I am just loving “Sally Forth,” “Beetle Moses,” “Sherman’s Lagoon” and “Never Been Deader” today – nonstop laughs!
(I access all these from the Seattle Times comics web page.)
Hagar is playing a risky game. A barbarian chief should be a prodigal ring-giver, generously redistributing his wealth to his followers in order to make them loyal and expand his warband. Accumulating wealth for yourself is a bourgeois, not aristocratic, virtue, and Hagar is half a millennia too early
C’shaft: Pffft, nobody cares about the copyright (just ask Harley Quinn Smith). But you definitely want to avoid names from a trendy franchise just in case the popularity of the property and/or the public actions of its creator take a sudden and embarrassing dive (as any number of Hermiones and Daeneryses can attest).
Dustin: Look, I hate personal injury lawyer commercials as much as the next person, but knowing how hard it is to get blood from the stone that is the insurance industry I will admit the profession serves a useful purpose–which is more than I can say for Dustdad.
JP: Poor Neddy knows she can’t do either.
Luann: Toni’s resentment at having to care for Shannon for an extended period of time is how you know she’s ready for motherhood.
MT: “Hey guys…why did we just say that?”
“Dunno, it just felt like we should collectively announce who we are to nobody in particular while brandishing blunt objects.”
MW: Oh for the love of–just recite the Rainbow Bridge poem and get over it already!
GT: “Ting tang whap!
Ting tang whap!
Dotty you’re a rich girl,
Make a bat noise in the batter’s box,
Gonna be a junior leaguer someday!
You got perfume on your face,
It’s no disgrace,
Giving up runs all over the place, singing’
We will, we will, ground out!
We will, we will, ground out!”
@Bob Tice: #2
AAAHAHAHAHAH…*choke* *spews coffee all over the keyboard* GOOD ONE!! *hic*
@Baja Gaijin: #6
I worry about Willa…
@Daisy:All of my liberal arts reading had to be good for SOMETHING.
The Family Circus Spanish to English.
@Baja Gaijin: #9
I loved it too – it was so typical of Laura to do something like that, and to bring her two buddies in on it with her! Am anticipating the police to raid the store and shut it down – won’t Jackie be surprised!! :-)
@jroggs: #14
“Anything is possible! Well, except laughter.”
That is an astute summary of “Crankshaft.” Thank you!
@Sequitur: And that’s how Pearls Before Swine was created.
Rex Morgan, M.D.: Parker’s response to bullying is to alienate all the people who might otherwise stand up for him. Stay tuned as they beat the crap out of the little twerp.
FC – The turtle is his shell, and there’s not a little naked turtle inside? You mean that all of those Warner Brothers cartoons are wrong? I don’t know if I can handle this knowledge.
Mary Worth – Wilbur cares more about his freaking goldfish than he does about any human being in his life. What a prince.
Also, remember how Dawn was texting him but he ignored all of her texts. A concerned child would perhaps phone the busybody neighbor and ask her to check in on him. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Bizarro – Nice job, Sid! Your marine division is really making a splash.
Sherman’s Lagoon – Wilbur Weston says the same thing.
MW – we are at a funeral for a fish. We are also at the funeral for fish because the owner of said fish went on a first date that ended with his date running off with the waiter because he was an insufferable self absorbed putz – he then spent time brooding about how all his exes were happy without him, then found of his fish dead which sent him into a spiral of self pity and pizza with extra mayo until now were are here at a surprise party funeral for a fish which the guest of honor (?) stuffing muffins into his mouth.
This whole story arc makes my brain hurt –
FC – I think a turtle would be stylin’ in a girdle of fig leaves….
HtH – You pillage and rape until your dick is worn down to the nib, and where’s it get you….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
@pugfuggly: #16
Yes! I can imagine that when Jeffy’s teacher asked the class what they would like to be when they grew up, Jeffy thought a moment (“…growed up…like Mommy and Daddy??”) then excitedly responded, “I wanna be a bug! Or a worm! Or a flagpole! Or a car!!”
@Anonymous: @Anonymous: #18
He brought home a turtle…
@74 Daisy: Not to make light of your opinion but it’s easy to be the cutest thing ever when you’re within eyesight of Walt Wallet.
Hey, does anyone here remember the old TV show, “Diver Dan”—combined live action and puppets interacting underwater? My brother just sent me the early installments from YouTube, and I’ll swear that goldfish in the very first episode is STELLAN!
cs: I can understand when a normal person doesn’t know the difference between a copyright and trademark, but it’s ridiculous when a comic strip author with 50+ years experience has never bothered to find out despite the fact they’ve threatened lawsuits on the issue before
Crank: Looks like Cindy, Nobody Hollywood Wife, has shed forty years from her innards as well as from her face and figure. Those SoCal plastic surgeons do amazing work,
I wouldn’t worry about any spending spree here. That’s the Pillage Women’s Wear Shoppe Hagar just looted.
Family Circus: In a just world that would be a snapping turtle and it would be eating Jeffy’s foot.
Hagar The Horrible: This comic’s period setting is so anachronistic that even Hagar’s thralls forget that they’re glorified slaves in bumfuck medieval times, not office workers in the year of our lord 2024.
HtH: Chin up, buddy! Yes, your boss the bloodthirsty thief stole your share of the loot. The good news is, you’re *also* a bloodthirsty thief! The man who wronged you is unarmed, heavily burdened, has obscured vision, and has his back to you! Go on, buddy. I believe in you.
MW: Dr Jeff would have none of this gathering, and only grudgingly agreed to take them out on his boat. He has been waiting at the docks, surveying his harpoons and gear, growing increasingly agitated. Lately he started grumbling and singing. “Fare well and adieu to you fair Spanish Ladies. Fare well and adieu to you ladies of Spain…”
“Not with three muffins! Not with three muffins she can’t!”
Later Dr Jeff, Saul and Ian bond with each other over a bottle of wine when Saul asks “You were born in Indianapolis?”
@Charterstoned: #38
If there is the equivalent of a Pulitzer for a comics comment, yours wins hands-down.
@Tabby Lavalamp: #42
Ha ha ha!!!
Phantom: If Elon Musk was a genuine genius, that thing will turn into a submarine in tomorrow’s strip.
MW: Do these two idiots take their fucking dogs everywhere?
@87 I speak Jive: on Mary Worth: I don’t know if I can agree with your assessment of Dawn. Is it “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” or “she knows her worthless father ignores her all the time so why bother calling him?”
@103 Lord Flatulence: Yes. And to answer your next question, “Yes, the owners match their neckwear to their pets’.”
@Baja Gaijin:
HTH: Color monkey fail? I’ve looked again and I’m guessing Hagar’s white sleeve?? Maybe he’s wearing an over the shoulder bear skin? I don’t think it’s the trashcan. Please help.
@Lord Flatulence: That’s their character trait, unfortunately. Hell, that lawn gnome in a suit and even stupider bow tie made a memorial for his dog that was larger than his late wife’s. And he and Mary teamed up to make a ten year old girl (his distant relative) forcibly get over the grief of losing her grandmother because she dared to not immediately think his dog was amazing.
@Bob Tice: #81
Absolutely!! You are exceedingly clever! I too have a liberal arts education (Hanover College, Indiana and Univ of Illinois, Urbana) and continue to enjoy the fruits of all that learning, even if it didn’t open a whole lot of doors career-wise! :-)
@Weaselboy: Ha ha! And that’s the only historically accurate thing about it!
@105 Unca Bob: Look at the long ribbed pink tubular thing sticking out behind Hägar’s shoulder. Remind you of something in the adult toys section…?
@106 Needless Exposition: I included the Big Bella Shrine in the mashups in comment #6 for those who wondered what it looks like.
FC – The turtle’s expression says it all:
“I once had it all: fame, glory, a recurring spot in the Sunday Mark Trail, everything. And now I’m reduced to this? Fuck it! Put me in the middle of the road! I’d rather be run over by a truck than to keep listening to these morons!”
@Baja Gaijin: #92
Very true! If it were not for the cute cat, I wouldn’t read the silly strip at all. Personally, any object – animate or not – would be cuter than Walt Wallet.
@Baja Gaijin:
Pink? I see something shaped like that, but it’s kind of a slate gray color. Interestingly, if you click on the Buy A Print link in Comics Kingdom, the same object is colored a lighter blue-green.
HtH: I guess having blood dripping down Helga’s horns from whatever animal she impaled inside the box would’ve been a little too realistic even for a strip about Vikings.
Pluggers embrace going from MILF to GILF.
—And a tip o’ the Hat to Anne “Try It You’ll Like It” Grove of Aurora, CO
HtH: Has anyone alive today ever bought something at a store that was them packaged for them in a decorative box? I’ve never been given anything but a bag with the store’s name on it. Did this die out in the fifties, perhaps? Or has it never existed except in Blondie?
@Hibbleton: “….And they are so grateful.”
— Benjamin Franklin
REX MORGAN M.D.: Hee. Corey and Parker are so underwhelmed by this bully that they’re now acting as his hype man, trying to talk him up (probably to stave off the embarrassment of being involved in such a lame plot). “I’ve been bullied before, but it’s different with this guy. I’m really intimidated” says Parker after he spent the past week and a half being anything but.
HtH:. Sorry so many misread name of store as Large Women’s Wear Shoppe. It’s actually the Pillage Women’s Wear Shoppe, where clothing found in looted villages is sold. Second hand stuff, roughly worn. Hagar saves a lot of money that way, not to spend on raises but on beer.
Real talk though, Helga carrying a box home by impaling it on her helmet’s horns is a delightful image.
Curtis: Soo … the moral of the story is let Aunt Debbie say whatever she likes? Okay, then.
HtH: Dear everyone who’s ever said “Vikings never really had horns on their helmets because they’d have served no practical purpose,” Helga dares to disagree!
JP: “I was first attracted to Kat because she looked like you; I never expected her to be just as much work as well!”
Phantom: Protip: If you come up with an idea like “the Phantom finds a crashed Space-X rocket in the jungle”, and then realise, after you’ve started drawing, that you have no idea what he’d do about it, why not just draw single panel strips of the crash happening v-e-e-e-r-y s-l-o-o-o-o-w-l-y until you’ve thought of something?
LUANN: Poor Brad is forced to reexamine the codes of toxic masculinity as he realizes that getting together with someone who doesn’t say “No” isn’t a good thing after all.
LUANN (2): Also did the Evans accidentally produce these strips out of order. Because this is type of objection Toni should have proclaimed before she agreed to babysit her bratty niece.
FC: Got to admit, that rendering of a turtle is as good as any Jules Rivera would draw for Mark Trail.
Pluggers: Pluggers are old # 16,907.
Pluggers: Those stretch jeans are also good for hiding the fact she’s wearing Depends.
CS: C’mon, that’s got to be Cindy’s granddaughter, Cindy the Third.
Family Circus: And here I was, thinking that the best part about bein’ a turtle is you can pull your head in your shell and avoid dumb kids like Jeffy and PJ. Silly moi!
Hagar the Horrible: Helga, you do know the Women’s Wear Shoppe has a strict no-return policy on items in packages with helmet piercings, don’t you?
@Horace Broon: re:Phantom: In the time it’s taken for this rocket ship to crash, the new, improved Flash Gordon has started three extra plots.
@2+2=7: Years of pre-pubescent abuse at the hands of her older brother have coerced Toni into accepting his orders without hesitation.
Speaking of Flash Gordon: Emma Goldman and Big Bill Haywood descend from heaven to undergo labor negotiations, to the piercing cry of a police whistle. “Direct Action Gets the Goods, motherfuckers!”
Too bad. I was looking forward to Bok landing a bone-crushing punch in the nose on the skinnier, more irritating Hawkman.
Pluggers: Proudly embrace their obesity.
@Calvin’s Cardboard Box: Fiddle with his peener?
The best part of bein’ a
fact bat rat moose goose amoeba dead goldfishturtle is that you don’t have to have to buy clothes.This shows you Jeffy’s thought process in crafting a punchline. He new out of the million of possibilities turtle was the funniest.
HtH: Y’know, Hagar. These fancy store bought dresses are nice but they just don’t carry the same punch that says the wife of a viking chieftain like those bloodstained ones you tear off the corpses of slaughtered English noblewomen.
@127 Lord Flatulence: Pluggers have to embrace their obesity–it’s too much to ignore.
FC: Don’t worry. Jeffy’s a redhead living in Arizona, so his dream of being a nudist won’t last long.
HtH: Helga’s grappling hook bit demonstrates an actual purpose for the horned helmets that cartoon and opera Vikings wear. Also the lack of horns seems to symbolize a lack of drive.
CS: Uh, Tom. To make this plausible in any way the Jarres had better be adopting or Mason knocked up one of the script girls.
FG: Break it up, guys! Union organize on your own time! You’re still on the clock!
FC: Hey! His tail hole is just the right size for my dick!
@Daisy: Yes, my BA in English prepared me splendidly for my career as an accountant.
C-Shaft: Mason’s companion goes from “Cindy in a glam gown” to “absolutely not Cindy” at random, more the latter today. Cindy must be getting bored and switching places with a photo double every two minutes, not that I blame her.
DT: You know, they had tumbler lock safes long before the Victorian Era. Yet Hipster Goatee Gabriel just leaves huge amounts of money lying around, relying on the honor system. Has this strip ever had a more trusting villain?
JP: Ah yes, Kate, the professional Neddy lookalike. It’s been ages since she’s been shown or mentioned. From what Reena says it sounds like Kate would be miserable cast in the part of Kate. Irony!
MT: This is an anemic fight club that only beats up office equipment, with one guy wearing only long underwear for some reason. What scares Rusty is the revelation that adulthood can be just this lame.
MW: Simple gathering of friends? Or gathering of simple friends?
6C: I mean, if you’re going to go all dissociative and talk to your reflection and it talks back, it would be nice to have a conversation with it that’s interesting.
@Baja Gaijin: Re Dawn – Why not both? She can be a self absorbed, selfish brat who knows that her father is worthless and neglectful.
@137 I speak Jive: True. This the Twenty-First Century–people can have it all!
The Familliar Mucus: It’s the Familliar Mucus/Over The Hedge crossover! Don’t worry, Verne, RJ will avenge you after Jeffy kills you trying to make a new cereal bowl. Or at least he will until P.J. offers him some Twinkees ™to forget the whole thing, after finding out that RJ is his real father, Thel’s been playing ring around the raccoon!
@Daisy:
University of Michigan; Harvard Law School. Here’s to the Big Ten, even though it’s something like the Big 17 now….
Late Thread Cuisine: It’s from France so it’s gotta be good, right? Right?
@Old School Allie Cat: Aargh. Oversnarpologies.
@Baja Gaijin: I didn’t know that there was such a thing as canned snails.
@Baja Gaijin: If Wilbur had a pet snail, this would be a recipe for four dozen tiny funerals.
@141 Baja Gaijin:
No. No. And in case you didn’t hear me, NO!
Baja. Take a look at this.
I usually just read one day in advance for the Comics Kingdom comics but today I read Mary Worth only one week in advance. By next Friday Mary and Wilbur walk toward the boat. Only Mary, Wilbur and Jeff are taking the funeral cruise.
The boat is much bigger than I remember it.
@I speak Jive: 143: I’ve seen them in the gourmet section of grocery stores. The snail meat is what’s in the can and the empty shells are in a separate container, kind of like those canned chow mein dinners sold in two separate cans. What you’re supposed to do is finely chop the snail meat and mix it with the other ingredients. Then you stuff the whole mess into the shells and bake. Then I guess you scoop it out with a fork and eat, kind of like what you’re supposed to do with those stuffed crab shells.
@Sequitur: #146:
“Only Mary, Wilbur and Jeff are taking the funeral cruise.”
They don’t want any witnesses when they dump Wilbur overboard.
That, or Ian and Saul didn’t want to chip in for gas for the boat.
Tomorrow in Six Chix they empty the LoFo tavern for a cookout.
@Die Rosenkavalieren: #135: Hey, Dustin is an English major. Maybe you can find him a spot in your company.
@121 Horace Broon:
I just read tomorrow’s Phantom. Your analysis is spot on.
@Peanut Gallery: #69
You are the Gallery’s Gallery.
“Genteel” Peanuts, then…?
@Guillermo el chiclero: Thanks for that information. I didn’t think that the snails were canned inside their shells, but it didn’t occur to me that the shells would be included separately. I don’t usually shop in the gourmet section of the grocery store.
I have tasted escargot, just a tiny bit. It’s my understanding that the snails are just a vehicle for lots of garlic and melted butter.
@I speak Jive: My fancy Uncle — he owned a copy of The Playboy Gourmet — used to say you could happily eat an old leather boot if it had that much garlic butter over it.
(Some of us like snails AND oysters)
@143 I speak Jive: You can find all kinds of stuff in cans. Don’t be surprised when you see canned bread in the grocery store. Over in the international aisle you may find canned haggis.
@144 Peanut Gallery: I have to agree.
@145 Sequitur: Seconded. Escargot, yes. This ersatz-barf, no.
@153 I speak Jive: Right on!
@Artist formerly known as Ben:
6C: I mean, if you’re going to go all dissociative and talk to your reflection and it talks back, it would be nice to have a conversation with it that’s interesting.
Alternately, maybe the skin itself isn’t the problem. Maybe the grotesque fish face is.
Just a thought.
Sorry if that’s face-shaming or anything.
@Guillermo el chiclero: Don’t think he could manage to remember debits on the left, credits on the right.
@I speak Jive: #153: A lot of people say that about lobster. It’s just an excuse to consume melted butter.
@Die Rosenkavalieren: #135: My art degree prepared me splendidly for a career as an unskilled laborer. Luckily I came across a dental lab owner who liked to hire artists as lab tech trainees. He figured we have an aesthetic sense, an eye for detail, and good eye-hand co-ordination. Since everyone knows a happy artist is a starving one, he could start us out with starvation wages.
@Guillermo el chiclero: The only college major that gets a worse rap than English is Art History.
@Sequitur: That second panel shows who runs the insane asylum of Charterstone.
@TheDiva: Or in the case of Daenerys, the actions of the character that people weren’t expecting. Looking into it, I learned that in 2018, the year before Game of Thrones‘s finale, babies named “Khaleesi” outnumbered those named “Daenerys” by a lot. That seems akin to saying, “Yes, we really love Star Trek, so we named our daughter Captain.”
@Braxwell Brontë: Oh, I’m nothing if not genteel. Just look at how I’m dressed!
Mark Trail:
Back up in your ass with the resurrection
It’s the group harder than an erection
That shows no affection
They wanna ban us on Capitol Hill
‘Cause it’s “Die muthafuckas, die muthafuckas!” still
@163 Peanut Gallery:
Huh. I thought you might look more like this.
@Die Rosenkavalieren: I only took one Art History class in college, but I’ve derived more pleasure from paintings and sculpture and architecture and design than anything in my life other than music. And fucking.
@166 Ukulele Ike:
And it’s possible to combine all three.
@Ukulele Ike: I absolutely agree, especially if you add reading. I was only commenting on the misbegotten popular impression that literature & art degrees are useless. Like I said, a bad rap.
@Die Rosenkavalieren: #161: I believe gender studies will soon join that honored clique.
MW: I appreciate Sid’s previous reassurance that Stellan is actually alive and well and is being kept on effective, though hidden, life support. So the odeur in the room is from the dialogue.
@170 Poteet: I think that fishy odor is coming from Mary–she splashed some of the salmon square batter on her skirt.
@171 Baja Gaijin:
It’s coming from UNDER the skirt.