Friday romance (?)
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Blondie, 4/3/26
I regret to inform you that Dagwood and Blondie’s daughter is dating a guy with broccoli hair now. Also she’s doing “healthy lifestyle blogs,” but you already knew that. The broccoli hair guy thing is new, though. It’s new and it’s not good.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/3/26
“Hah! Good one. I wasn’t in the room when you had your long conversation with Mud covering the topic of your weight and your feelings about it, so I’m not really sure where you are on that and I’m not going to engage any further with that joke. Anyway, do you want to come back to my office and have sex or what?”
The Lockhorns, 4/3/26
Big news, everyone! Loretta is going to kill her husband and herself, with a bomb!
79 replies to “Friday romance (?)”
Lockhorns: When I was a kid, I read a Spy vs Spy comic in a Mad Mazagine.
Fantasy: Black Spy planned to shrink down, mail himself to White Spy, then when White Spy opens the package Black Spy would jump out and shoot him in the face.
Reality: Black Spy did shrink himself down, mailed himself to White Spy, waiting for White Spy to open the package he got bored waiting, and started looking at his watch. White Spy found the package, he heard Black Spy’s watch ticking, thinking it was a bomb… flushed the package (with Black Spy in it) down the toilet.
That was one of my all-time favourite Spy vs Spy comics, although it was not in the Omnibus collection I bought my Sister last Christmas (at least not that I could find… maybe the design of the Witch Doctor that shrunk Black Spy down was too politically incorrect to reprint?)
Lockhorns: The Lockhorns actually have a fairly spacious kitchen, if you don’t count the extraordinarily low cabinet and range hood (which will eventually cause Loretta’s hair to be sucked up into the oven fan). Also, if your pressure cooker is ticking, it probably isn’t one of those safe new Instant Pot types, but a 1980s model that Leroy purchased at a garage sale, the lid of which will take his head off in approximately 20 more seconds.
“There was that one Halloween where I dressed as a skeleton, but they stuck with ‘Fatass!'”
Wait, Murphy entered the caffè to have breakfast almost a month ago and in universe it is not even one o’ clock?! “Rex Morgan MD” is the Tantric Sex of comics writing except the opposite of enjoyable!
Fat people still have skeletons even if they are fat, because they are still human beings — or just vertebrates! You should learn some body positivity!
Mary Worth Mashup: Here’s my guess on who Mary’s calling.
Lockhorns: Ha! Loretta doesn’t have the wherewithal to make a bomb; but she does know how to fill a pot with garden insects which keep ticking and clicking until they die. Bon appetite, Leroy!
Leroy scoffed at at Loretta’s casserole-dish-mounted time machine, but now, here it is, 40,000 years in the future and the Eloi need his help. At last, life has purpose.
RMMD:: Hmm, the manager sports a white short-sleeved dress shirt with a black tie, and an earnest and sincere facial expression. I’m getting a vibe that she’s about to learn about writings that sprung from the angel Moroni and some mystical golden plates.
“Broccoli hair”?! “Influencers”?! I will not tolerate stupid fads in “Blondie”! Just eternal phenomena, like Flappers!
MW: Why is it that every time we cut to Toby, we see parrot antics, but we haven’t seen Muffin since the poor cat was staring sadly at Hart’s abandoned plate of salad? Did Muffin starve on a nutritionally insufficient diet of salads and baked goods? Did Mary dump the cat on Estelle for failure to aid in meddling?
Blondie: It took me entirely too long to realize that the joke here was Dagwood calling Broccoli-Head an “influencer” for his influence on Cookie. I legitimately thought the punchline was supposed to be that Dagwood somehow thought it was the boyfriend’s voice when Cookie spoke. Which made no sense, but that’s where my brain took it.
Blondie: Of course it’s a broccoli head. A meat suit is so 2000’s.
Lockhorns: I guess, due to sliding timescale, Leroy no longer remembers the “duck and cover” drills of yore.
Blondie: We’ve seen him block Alexander’s date goodnights. Dagwood’s at least an equal opportunity purveyor of courtus interruptus.
Pluggers: Unless there a few feet of it coiled up on the floor, Carl Rhinowski here will need a second belt.
Lockhorns: Noooooo! Think of the agonizing loss! Why can’t Loretta have used her cheap stuff instead of the Rosemary green Le Creuset?
RMMD:
“Doug, are you cooking Jiffy Pop underneath that coiffure?”
Blondie: Wow, it looks as though Cookie is dating Jacob from Abbot Elementary! I…wish I had something more to say about that, but I’ve never actually seen the show, just the occasional clip, and even with that little context I think he might be gay? Anyhow, now that I’ve noticed it I can’t think of anything else, so…yeah.
RMMD: “Nobody’s ever called a skeleton before! Ghoul, vampire, monster even Bride of Frankenstein, but never skeleton! I’ll add it to the chart…”
LHns: Is that it, Leroy? That’s your best you could come up with for a ‘my wife’s terrible casserole’ gag? Loretta’s expression says it all: she’s not even annoyed with her husband, she seems genuinely concerned for his health.
Blondie: So, what kind if influencer do we think this guy is? He’s obviously too nice to be in the manosphere and not cool enough to be fashion. Do you think he’s one of those guys who sits in his car outside Burger King reviewing the new Dubai Chocolate Baja Blast Flamin’ Hot Whopper? Or is he a fitness influencer who only eats low-carb high-protein egg and whey slurries? Be very careful Ryan, because the answer to that question will determine whether Dagwood will welcome you into the family or burst onto the porch with a shotgun.
Since when do the Lockhorns have a commercial range hood and Le Creuset cookware? Are they influencers now too?
@Schroduck: Roblox streamer. Broccoli hair in real life, bacon hair on the screen.
@Ettorre: With Cuphead’s 1930’s cartoon style and setting. One section took place in a speakeasy with anthropomorphic insects smuggling alcohol during prohibition. One character was a moth dressed in the stereotypical promiscuous clothing of the period.
She was a flapper! Har har!
This hooking up through vlogs disgusts me. What happened to the old traditional making out while your girlfriend is babysitting?
Blondie:
It’s easy to assume that big eater Dagwood’s pajamas are covered with pictures of doughnuts. But he’s actually never been depicted as a particularly unhealthy eater, just a prodigious one, so considering the stylized nature of comic strips there are a number of alternative possibilities. They could also be bagels, of course, or onion rings, or even (dare we to dream?) pineapple slices.
But things aren’t all rosy. I find Dagwood’s use of the term “influencer” to potentially mean “person who influences others into having sex with them” to be a disturbing linguistic innovation.
@Gil Bates: RMMD:: Hmm, the manager sports a white short-sleeved dress shirt with a black tie, and an earnest and sincere facial expression. I’m getting a vibe that she’s about to learn about writings that sprung from the angel Moroni and some mystical golden plates.
It’s either that or he’s going to tell her that the hotel’s pig-butchering scheme is down an operative and she needs to start corresponding with some mark named H@rv-ey in some burg that starts with Santa. . .
Anyway Blondie fills me with the usual loathing. Part of it is flubbed attempts at relevance. Kids don’t say “vlogs,” they’re “TikToks,” and Dagwood should be eavesdropping through his Ring camera. But mostly I hate to see a Bumstead receiving compliments.
Blondie – What’s a Vlog? Do you pay by the minute like Sex Panther….
RMMD – What a sassy gal! Try out, Kiss My Grits as a catch line….
Shlockhorns – Time is ticking away, Leroy – Satan’s Short Season and all….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
Cookie, that’s not a compliment. It’s just… a fact. A fact about his dating life. Do you respond to all facts this way? “I’m five foot ten.” Aww, sweet! “It’s going to rain tomorrow.” You’re so nice! “The body was found in an advanced state of decomposition.” I’m blushing!
What could Leroy and Loretta possibly have affixed to the front of their refrigerator? It’s not pictures of their non-existent kids, and I doubt if it’s “Hang In There Baby; Friday’s Coming” memes. Divorce lawyer phone numbers? Funeral home ads?
MW – It sure helps with holding the phone when a parrot is pinning it to your ear. We all underestimated Toby!
RMMD: Its been how many weeks, now since Mae Mae started waitressing? I’ve counted one suspicious diner and Fergus. I’d call that a skeleton customer base. They should ditch the menu and just serve bone broth.
Luann: I’ve bashed this strip a lot lately, but I really liked Tara’s response today. “He tried, and I admire that” is something Gunther desperately needs to hear. Hopefully he will work into his internal calculus of what women do and don’t want. I also like that Tara backed away from anything beyond that. It gives her noble motives. She was genuinely giving Les a chance, not just trying to humiliate/injure him out of spite. So, good job today, Evanses. Please don’t screw it up tomorrow by giving Gunther the last word.
Lockhorns: What’s ticking? Whatever it is, it’s turning Leroy into a giant, as his shoulder is pressing against the upper cabinets and his head is almost touching the ceiling.
No wait, their kitchen is just unbelievably low for some reason.
MW: Toby hopes to start a trend by using live parrots as “fashion statement” earrings.
Well, Dagwood, you’re supposed to get cucked by your wife, not your daughter but kudos for your effo… What the hell am I saying!? Damn you Dagwood and your unspeakable filth!
@The Rambling Otter: I guess they played the Jitterbug
Lockhorns: Come on, Loretta: Why would you go to all the fuss of building an improvised explosive device? It’s a Le Creuset, probably weighs more than a Buick, just drop it on him!
It’s a memento mori , Leroy. The casserole is ticking because it reminds you that every second is spent and never returns. Also because Loretta’s cooking is deadly bad
Blondie: Out: Soy Boys, spying on your kids with a microphone-equipped Nest doorbell In: Broccolinfluencers, eavesdropping with a red Solo cup
Blondie: I feel like there’s a double entendre embedded in Dagwood’s “not until I figure out what kind of influencer this guy is” comment, but it’s going over my head. Is he worried this guy’s trying to “influence” his teenage daughter’s pants, or just concerned about her date’s social media profile?
I swear, I usually have a dirty mind, guys! I can’t really see the gross sexual angle here, though, and I feel like I’ve let everyone down.
BLONDIE: Never dated an influencer? Hard to believe, since you can’t swing a cat without hitting an influencer these days.
LOCKHORNS: Does Dennis the Menace get his chef-bashing ideas from Leroy?
H&L: Forget it, Chip. Lauren charges extra for that.
BB: I was going to run with it, but imagining Sarge’s body parts made me a bit queasy.
Rex Morgan, M.D.:
[Lorna appears at office door, seductively pulling her shirt over her head] I’m ready
[Manager, shocked] What are you doing? I trying to tell you we pay in cash, don’t tell Social Security
Blondie: I’m not convinced Dagwood or his writers know what an “influencer” is.
L’horns: Loretta made the potion from The Witches. She’s already got the mouse traps and strychnine ready.
RMMD: Maybe the problem isn’t staffing but that the cafe’s hours are just “eh, whenever.”
@Schroduck:
From his imbecilic look and dialogue, I choose to believe he unpacks toys and plays with them.
FC: Bil just ‘wham bammed” out of there and Thel pulled up her pants in time before the kids burst in. “Whew! That was close.”
What I thought the caption would be before I scrolled further down the page.
Dustin: The creators of Dustin shouldn’t be making jokes about people consciously choosing depression and nihilism.
JP: “Another hitman is behind us, isn’t he?”
Lio: So…the stars are engaged in gladiatorial combat to the death? I don’t get it.
Luann: Can we not talk about Les’ “package” right after I’ve had breakfast? Or ever?
MW: I mean, look at it from Widower Hart’s perspective. Either a) something terrible has befallen his long-distance love who recently needed a huge sum of money for an operation or b) he has to listen to Mary give him an “I told you so” lecture. In those circumstances illusion definitely seems preferable to reality.
Dustin : …but depression is what turned Dustin into what he is. If he stopped being depressed, he might actually improve! (a stretch, I know, but still!)
***********
Lockhorns : “Nah, that’s just a regular cooking timer ticking. My morbid timer joke is that pasta timer that’s shaped like a cement-shoed mafiosi that sings ‘La Donna è mobile’ when your spaghetti’s done, remember?”
**********
On the Fastrack : reminds me of a joke from a comics magazine I once read, where it’s five panels of a dad filming his infant son saying stuff like “hold him still, dear, this’ll make for GREAT memories once he grows up!”, then the six panel, the dad is filming but dropping the camera while clutching his chest going “This’ll make for GREAT memor- ACK MY HEART I’M DYING”, the seventh panel is his widow and orphan, her now an old woman openly weeping, and him a bitter, hateful punk, watching the footage shot in the first panel, with the son going “Hundreds of f****ing hours of me as a f******ing baby, not a single image of dad before he died. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES YOU OLD BASTARD”
(…Yes, THAT was the “joke”)…I dunno, someone deliberately ALWAYS being the person holding the camera because they don’t want to be in the shot made me think of that
**************
Six Chix : More gelatin for the gelatin god. More fish-heads with olive eyes for the fish-head throne.
Hagar the Horrible: This strip’s mixed modernisms always interest me. Here, we find out that socks exist in the Hagarverse, and sometimes they’re crusty.
BG&SS: Forget jokes about how Coca-Cola used to have cocaine; it was pretty negligible next to the caffiene palpitations and the sugar high.
What Barney and Jughaid really want to get their hands on is c. 1936 7-Up. That lithium is perfect for what ails them.
MW: It’s so convenient for the artist when your two pets are identical. Then again, seen how that dog and that cat wear the same smile, this shouldn’t be a surprise.
H&L:
“And, lastly, no mixing it up on the couch while there’s babysitting going on.”
“But this one lives here!”
“I was talking to Chip.”
MW-“Wilbur, I just made a fresh batch of muffins.”
#MaeToo
“Because the metal expanded when heated, and is now slowly contracting, which can lead to small noises like the ticking you’re hearing.”
See, Lockhorns, you can be boring, unfunny, and educational, not just boring and unfunny.
@Banana Jr. 6000: Tara might have given a good response here, in this one strip, but this still comes after her watching Les attempt to do something she clearly knew in advance he had no idea how to do, with little to no counseling or even freakin’ SAFETY EQUIPMENT, while she just stood back and watched. She should be counting her lucky stars that Les’ ‘trying’ didn’t result in more than just a broken finger.
On top of all that, Les is STILL giving out with the smarmy innuendo that would make any self-respecting woman want to break his other finger, if not his whole hand. Greg clearly doesn’t know how to turn it off. It’s like he’s had blue balls ever since that blonde cheerleader spurned him in high school except for that one time that resulted in the birth of Karen.
They are all stupid, horrible people, and if the Evansii think this is somehow ‘cute’ or dare I say ‘realistic’, then they are delusional.
This is a digression, but I need to get something off my chest that’s been rattling around my mind for some time now. A few weeks ago, one of the Mudges here (I think it was Old School Allie Cat?) shared a story about going on a date with a young man who was a genuinely nice person but unfortunately had received some very unhealthy messages about sex from their fundamentalist(?) parents. She talked about how she, 20 years old and as beautiful as she was going to get, was ‘waving this guy home’ but just couldn’t get through to him that not only did she want him, but that it was *okay* for them to want each other.
Coming on the heels of my own lengthy chats back and forth with Banana Jr. 6000 about my ongoing lack of a relationship or consistent partnered intimacy, that story spoke to me. I wished I could have given that guy a good shake and tell him what an opportunity he most assuredly missed, because he was so fortunate to be with someone who knew their own mind and more importantly, was willing to give clear, unambiguous signals about what they wanted. I wish I could have that same opportunity with someone in real life…
Well, I forgot about HH’s name and just had a comment disappear into the ether.
Both FC and Brewster Rockit today were about doing laundry. I guess that’s better than watching paint dry.
Crankshaft – Yesterday Cranky was in full dangerous dementia mode, which led several of us to wonder if Batiuk was starting a Very Special Episode about dementia. Today they’re talking about redoing the kitchen. Maybe this story is about whiplash. It’s called writing.
Mary Worth – After Mary makes a few calls, she and Toby will have another gossip fest about HH. The only differences between Mary and Frazz is that Mary pretends to be concerned about her meddlees, and Frazz doesn’t expect three weeks of thanks.
@ValdVin: The parrots are not quite identical. One appears to be wearing eyeliner. I guess that’s what identifies the female parrot, whose name I refuse to remember. The alternatives were a hair bow or a tiny string of pearls.
JP – Raspberry haired brat doesn’t have to outrun Bogdan; she just has to outrun Neddy.
@I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV: It’s a Le Creuset, probably weighs more than a Buick, just drop it on him!
I’m now imagining Roald Dahl’s “Lamb to the Slaughter” with the Lockhorns. It works surprisingly well. Rambling Otter mentioned Spy vs Spy; maybe a new Lockhorns where every day one of them is trying to kill the other would revitalize the strip.
@Voshkod: What is this? The solution to “LeRoy thinks his wife is trying to kill him, but Slylock thinks she’s innocent. What does Slylock know to make him believe that?”
H&L One of the insufficiently-snarked-at old-fashioned tropes of the comics pages is “boys can’t take care of kids”, on display here (and for weeks in the pseudo-1980s Crabgrass). You’ve got male teen siblings just… hanging around while a babysitter watches the younger kids.
By all means, no kid should be made into an auxiliary parent but when making plans to go out, isn’t it really, super normal to go over whether an older sib is going to be home and not get a sitter if the teen sib can stay? I’m thinking “it’s a school night and you’re just doing your homework, keep an eye on them and remind them to brush their teeth and go to bed and that there will be consequences x, y, z if they don’t do it” or even “yeah, that’s more bother than normal, but you’ll get Q$ for doing this bit above and beyond”.
I don’t have any funny way to put it but it bugs me. Having a sitter the same age as a boy in the family really makes it look like childminding = girls-only work
Reminiscent of the too-often-told story of when Bill Veeck owned the St. Louis Browns, that whenever someone called and asked what time the game was, Veeck would say, “What time can you be here?”
@Banana Jr. 6000: The next beat is supposed to be “Tara calls an Uber so she can pick up her jeep from the climbing gym.” How much you wanna bet that Nice Guy Gunther gives her a ride so he can trash talk Les?
@Hibbleton: I’m guessing Thel’s had closer calls with the mailman (although Jef could update that to Amazon delivery guy if he cared enough to do so).
@Baja Gaijin: Mashup – From the frying pan into the fire.
HH’s furniture probably looks like that now that he’s lost that money.
@A Grave Mind: If you need Morlocks, there’s a group of them in Gil Thorp.
@Charterstoned: This is the world capital of roots country. Grits and some kind of gravy has to be involved.
Blondie: Broccoli head? What a relief! I thought he was wearing his brain on the outside of his skull.
@Schroduck:
Brocoli-Head. “I’m a talent scout for Onlyfans, if you catch my drift….” (raises eyebrows suggestively).
@richardf8: Nah, if it were that it would have been upside down.
Will broccoli-heads age into cauliflower-heads?
Lockhorns:
“Because my cooking always produces facial tic[k]s in you!”
Open the door, Dagwood, let him see what you’re wearing! Let him see what kind of family he would be marrying into. A fair warning should put an end to any potential naughtiness.
***
I will give one month’s pay to Terry Beatty to devote a day to just three panels of Mud standing outside of the cafe later that evening, confused at its closure and wondering what he’s going to do for supper now.
Fun fact: The older Gen Z ‘kids’ are now pushing 30. Some broccoli-haired influencers have been going for a decade now.
Put away the thesaurus.
Blondie –
♪ A red solo cup is the best for eavesdroppin’
On romantic trysts or illicit pill-poppin’
And you, sir, should do some serious cup-shoppin’
If you’re still using old-school glass
The Lockhorns: “Loretta is going to kill her husband and herself with a bomb!” Wouldn’t you?
Don Abundio, translated:
“Darn it, Polonio! I always wake up before I find out what sex is really like!”
Lockhorns – Loretta’s famous deathwatch beetle casserole is a little underdone.
JP: Neddy probably should have told Charlotte which direction to run. “Wait! I meant FORWARD….crap.”
@BigTed: The Lockhorns paid a fortune for those custom-built extra-low countertops and appliances. They’re 4:3 people struggling to live in a 16:9 world.
Lockhorns: “Kiss my asserole, Leroy.”
MW tomorrow: “Hello, Dr Phil? This is Mary Worth.”
“Mary, how are you?”
“I’m calling to ask a favor. An older friend of mine is being catfished for a large sum of money…”
“…And you’d like me to shame him in front of a live audience and millions on TV?”
“Exactly!”
@2+2=7: A subtle tribute to Leonid Radvinsky, who became a billionaire by turning OnlyFans into a T&A site. Radvinsky died this week at the age of 43. Presumably, he learned that you can’t take it with you.
A&J: A subtle tribute to the cat who may have been the model for the strip’s Ludvig?
GA: how is Scancarelli gonna fill Saturday’s hole after revealing the obvious, knowing Sunday will be a big Easter celebration page?
GT: missing response from the guy carrying Thorp’s clubs: “You really ARE an %#&!¥@$ aren’t you. Thorp?”
@The Quiet Man: “Once I realizes I could twist you around my finger and strong-arm you into doing things you don’t actually want to do just to please me, I realized I kinda like you. Funny how the timing just happened to work out on that. Tee-hee.” (Also, Tara, the point of Les lying was that he didn’t want to “try” and did everything he could to avoid “trying”. He only “tried” because Les is a terrible liar. He’s still lying even now, even though the jig is up. I mean while spiting Gunther is always a good thing, Les could really just let Tara do the heavy lifting here* and let her cover for him in silence instead of needlessly chiming with cringe-worthy smarm.)
*By the way, Tara, “doing the heavy lifting here” while Les smugly basks in his “awesome” prowess is going to describe your upcoming sex life if you continue this relationship, so fair warning.
Blondie: “I really enjoy your healthy lifestyle vlogs” feels more like an opening salvo than an end-of-the-night deal closer. But, hey, maybe that’s just how Ryan rolls. With generic, vague, impersonal compliments.
RMMD: That sly devil, he knows just how to get to her — by copying Porter Wagoner’s hairstyle!
L’horns: “Why is your casserole ticking?” “I don’t know. Why is your upper lip like that? I guess we both have mysteries.”
@Little Blue Bicycle: Dr. Phil’s kinda busy these days.
He’s on the White House Commission on Religious Liberties and helping ICE.
HMMMM. Maybe Phil could call in a few favors and have a bunch of big, armed boys knock down H**vey’s door while Mary comes in chanting “the power of Charterstone compels you”.
(That’ll teach old Ascot Boy not to ignore Mary Worth).