Wednesday is for sex-havers and non-sex-havers alike
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Rhymes With Orange, 8/5/26
Stale legacy strips like Hagar the Horrible (start date: 1973) still find tired tropes like “Oooh, what if a human were to form an erotic attachment with a mermaid???” to be edgy. New, cutting-edge strips like Rhymes With Orange (start date: 1995), meanwhile, will tell you that everyone and everything under the sea, both natural and mythological, is fucking everyone and everything else.
Luann, 8/5/26
Look, man, I’ve tried to get my head around the question of how we’re supposed to parse the state of sexual relations in Luann for, literally, the bulk of my adult life, but mere minutes ago in strip time Luann and Phil were unpleasantly tongue kissing in front of her mom and now he’s like, “What if we were roommates, with separate bedrooms, to save on rent?” and … I am nothing. I am defeated utterly. I could live a thousand lifetimes and still not understand the mysteries this strip puts before me.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/5/26
So far all the scams we’ve seen the Scam Twins pull off have been things like “busking but only pretending to play the violin” or “lying about being from the health department so you can eat for free at the mall food court,” so yeah, you could say that kidnapping a child would represent something of a “bigger deal.” The twins aren’t exactly drawn with what I’d call expressive faces, but I’m choosing to believe that Driver’s Seat Twin’s sunglasses levitated cartoonishly in surprise at this suggestion before settling back down on her nose in panel two.
44 replies to “Wednesday is for sex-havers and non-sex-havers alike”
“‘Made in Hong Kong?’ How old is this doll, Mermaid-Mom?!”
Rhymes with Orange:
“Will you ever tell her about her real father?”
“Oh, yes, eventually. He lives in Copenhagen. I fell for him because he was statuesque!”
Luann: Every Luann character is so skinny that no-one in this strip has ever sensed a big butt.
RMMD: Casual Rex Morgan reader: “Uncle Jimmy? Who’s that?” (sees the editor’s note) “Oh, Rene Belluso! That character we all certainly know who needs no additional explanation.”
Rhymes with Orange:
“Those dolls were so expensive, they put me under water. So to speak.”
“…and I wore my finest scrubs for this, Luann! They’re a lot like all my other scrubs, the ones I wear every day, for every situation, but c’mon!
RMMD:
“Put those glasses down, Sis! — otherwise, we’re no longer in every respect weirdly identical!”
Luann:
I really don’t understand the confusion here. Living together and sleeping in same bed is a much bigger deal than just kissing your boyfriend whom you haven’t seen in weeks. If they decide the relationship isn’t going anywhere, they can remain friends and roommates.
The “AKA Rene Belluso” MAKES THIS. Think of the rest of this bunch! Or do it in reverse! Rex Morgan. “AKA Non-existent cake-lover!”
Luann: OH, COME ON! Luann gets what she wants in spite of everything she’s done to prove she can’t handle it, and now she’s the one bailing out?
CS: Whatever you do, Ed and Pam, don’t try to put out that fire. It’s the only remaining source of comedy in this entire comic strip, and you both know it.
Phantom Heloise’s tube top begins to shrink along her torso, ensuring that by the time we get to a fight scene, the artist will be able to use lingerie models for reference…
GT … and the kidnapped barstaff were never thought of again
Rex Morgan, M.D.: Lindsay Lohan returns in The Parent Trap 2: The Parent Kidnap.
RMMD: Although “Uncle Jimmy” thinks the twins are pea-brains, he encourages them to go for it, because, hey, what else does he have in the way of entertainment?
GT: It took me five minutes to realize it’s his tie, not a handless arm. In my defense, the coffee wasn’t ready yet.
RWO: That’s why they made Mermaid Barbie; so these disturbed children have a doll they can relate to.
RMMD: Maybe it’s her tribute to CSI:Miami, but she forgot the belabored pun?
“It’s our fate to abduct the Morgan kid”
::drops sunglasses down::
” ‘Kay, Sarah, Sarah”
YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Hopefully Uncle Jimmy will explain concepts like “federal crime,” “felony,” and “the FBI Most Wanted list” to the twins.
@Blond Pardo:
Wait, they’re kidnapping Sarah, not June. I should have written The Parent Trap 2: The Child Kidnap.
Okay, in a same week, we have kidnappings in both Gil Thorp and Rex Morgan, and in both of them they’re treated like shenanigans instead of an incredibly serious felony punishable by life imprisonment. Was the Reuben dinner lately? Did they have the brown acid at it?
Apparently only Pluggers go through menopause. Say what you want about the comics, you learn science from them.
Beetle Bailey : that bee stole Killer’s mustache!
*************
Crankshaft : what a terrible quip. An actually good quip would have been “Seriously, dad, you’ve GOT to STOP setting fire to everything”
*************
Luann : you’d think going to summer camp would have prepared Luann more for becoming roommates with someone (or so thouroughly disgusted her of sharing a room with others she could flat-out refuse Phil on that basis). But for some reason, the Evansii decided that the Camp Skye guest character who would “show Luann the ropes” would appear in, like, only two strips, and Luann would have sole responsibility of her campers without a partner to room with.
So, her reason for not being interested in rooming with Phil is because she had that idea a month ago, didn’t follow through with it, and has now lost interest in it and actively doesn’t want to do it anymore.
************
Rhymes with Orange : that mermaid’s secret dad isn’t Lucky Eddie; judging by the teeth and voracious, man-eating apetite, her father is Bruce the Shark (more commonly known as Jaws).
RMMD: How is it even possible that, even in a plot arc centered on the Morgan family, which has been going on for over a month now, Rex has only appeared in two strips? Beatty introduced twins to have a ready made excuse to recycle art. Am I supposed to believe he doesn’t have any images of the title character to reuse?
Luann: The “but” that’s coming is so big, Sir Mix-A-Lot’ll start lusting after it.
Gil Thorp: Gil’s left hand has the right idea: it left the party before it could be used by Gil in his embarrassing spotlight dance. Or Coach Gerard bit it off on his way out of the dance.
RMMD – I’ve stopped reading this one daily, I’ve been peeking every few days and if Thing 1 and Thing 2 are there I quickly move on. But these two are so bad at con jobs that they don’t even know what a confidence game is. “What’s our next con? Kidnapping? Robbing a bank? Mowing down the Morgan mob with uzis?”.
MW – I’ve also given up on this, with even less actual story or conflict than normal it may be the least essential reading of our time.
GT – Honorable mention for the “why are we even looking at this” as they go from mild “comic” drama back to badly drawn and highly cringe dancing.
Rhymes with Orange:
In many shark species, the males bite the females during mating to hold her in place. Furthermore, instead of a single penis, male sharks have a pair of penis-like intromittent organs called claspers that they use to inseminate the females. What I’m saying is that there are way more interesting angles than “child with a dorsal fin” that they could have used for a joke here if they weren’t cowards about their mermaid × shark semi-bestiality gag.
Wait I need to do that again, I thought of more weird shark reproductive biology…
Rhymes with Orange:
In many shark species, the males bite the females during mating to hold her in place. Furthermore, instead of a single penis, male sharks have a pair of penis-like intromittent organs called claspers that they use to inseminate the females. And in some species, the baby sharks within their mother’s uteruses consume their siblings for sustenance before being born. What I’m saying is that there are way more interesting angles than “child with a dorsal fin” that they could have used for a joke here if they weren’t cowards about their mermaid × shark semi-bestiality gag.
Everybody F***s Everything: A
Hägar the HorribleSix ChixRhymes With Oranges Reader@Everything Is Better With Monkeys: RMMD Yeah, this cries out for the “That escalated quickly” meme.
Luann: Over on the comment boards at GoComics, it’s common for TruFans to give the Luann characters advice, typically of the childless-cat-lady-aunt variety. I’m not necessarily endorsing the practice, but in this case, Phil, if you can hear me, KILL IT WITH FIRE JUST NAPALM THE ENTIRE PLACE AND BURN IT TO THE GROUND. And don’t forget to feed your kitties.
Rex Morgan, M.D.
If the twins do go through with their kidnapping plot, I can only assume we’ll have a “The Ransom of Red Chief” situation where they’re so annoyed by Sarah’s inane behavior that they end up paying the Morgans to take her back (Rex would insist they hold out for more money than June would be willing to settle for). However, they’re going to consult with their Uncle Jimmy/Rene before they commit to the idea, and since Rene takes a dim view of their scamming abilities he’ll presumably tell them to forget about it. The way the different players in soap opera comic strips act with clockwork precision to prevent anything interesting from happening is truly a sight to behold.
GT – Gil reaches into the void beyond the curtain and never sees his hand again. That was the hand with Beth’s favorite finger! This is all your fault Keri!
@MKay: Also in your defense…Gil Thorp art.
Oh, I cannot wait until Rex Morgan, M.D. gets back to its roots by explaining medical terms like “criminal conspiracy” and “misprision of a felony”!
Luann: Man, how much of a loser do you have to be where Luann doesn’t even want to share space with you?
RMMD: This is going to end like “The Ransom of Red Chief,” only instead of being too rambunctious Sarah will wear down her captors by being stiflingly dull.
Rw/O: Honestly, girls torturing their dolls is such a regular thing it took me a while to notice the half-shark thing.
Luann-Phil doesn’t like big buts.
RMMD-Called it.
FC-“Darn it! Missed again!”
FC-Aim better, God. One got away.
DT: Dick Tracy’s grasp of technology and nerd culture may be dated at best, but it’s cutting edge when it comes to dealing with help line BS.
Dustin: “…And that’s the only place I can escape my horrible family!”
GT: It was nice of Gil to invite the exotic dancer from his bachelor party to the wedding reception.
MW: As if this weren’t nauseating enough, remember that Wilbur is just off-panel watching this whole exchange with a smug, self-satisfied grin.
Pluggers is doing a menopause joke. In other news, I now find Pluggers relatable, and as soon as I can find an ice floe still intact I’m going to put myself on it and set myself adrift.
“I mean, kidnapping, doesn’t that bring on the FBI?”
“Have you looked at the FBI lately?”
“Fair point. You grab her arms, I’ll get her legs.”
Are there print collections of Rex Morgan, MD? Are they considering a big, Lichtenstein-style blow-up of that second panel for the cover of a collection titled “AKA: Rene Belluso”? He’s a plagiarist/art thief, it would work!
Luann: At 79 years old Greg Evans has reached a point in his life where he regrets all the petty bullshit that stood in the way of good fucking and Luann is going to be the place where he expresses that feeling.
Aren’t those mer-girls a bit too old to be going around topless? Isn’t it time that they get fitted for their first sets of seashell bras?
Starting from the bottom, is it only cannibalism if you eat a mermaid from the waist up? I have to ponder this to keep myself from thinking about how fish reproduce and how human genitalia would fit into that.
***
“It’s not as sexy if we have our own private place to get frisky, Phil. I’m addicted to the thrill of being caught now, or at least making other people around us uncomfortable. Privacy has become a turn-off, I’m afraid.”
***
The not-very-smart twins are the best new characters the soap comics have introduced in years. All they want to do is crime, but their criming veers between “Is it even a crime at all to pretend to play the violin and make pocket change?” to “I sentence you to 40 years.” There is no half-assing anything for them. It’s either no effort at all or it’s guns a-blazin’. They wake up in the morning, flip a coin, and it’s either Eddie Murphy’s fake disabled scam at the start of Trading Places or it’s a full-on Ocean’s 2 casino heist.
Pluggers are shocked, and perhaps somewhat discomfited, to discover that even at middle age and later they are still sexually desirable, despite what the patriarchy told them about “fuckability.”
GT, the missing panel: “Okay folks, this is DJ Moon again. The police have taken away the kidnappers and the FBI will be here soon to interview all of you. So nobody can leave. So…let’s party! Here’s a favorite for the youngsters, ‘Disco Duck!’ Let’s dance!”
Eek!-“I would like your vote in November in the upcoming election.”
RwO: Here’s dad is Lucky Eddie. Best she never know, though she’ll wonder where she got her overbite.
RMMD – The Parent Trap Two -This time we’re not joking….
Luann – Phil is gay…right?
Adios Amigos, DJ.
GT: You call this an old fashioned? Damn, we should’ve not freed you two and kept Coach Gerads at the bar!
@Hibbleton:
Luann: At 79 years old Greg Evans has reached a point in his life where he regrets all the petty bullshit that stood in the way of good fucking and Luann is going to be the place where he expresses that feeling.
I feel that’s not a quite fair/correct thing to say. 50-something, post-menopausal Karen Evans also feels that way. I guess it’s why the strip is going in that direction NOW; both writer and artist now agree that a reluctance to be horny is something you’ll regret later in life.