I assume that’s Splitscreen’s hype man behind him
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Dick Tracy, 8/6/26
So it seems that Dick’s latest antagonist, the VPN-happy “Widescreen,” is in fact a nepo antagonist and the son (or something) of Splitscreen, an avatar of an earlier age of screen-based crime. Whenever you get a reveal like this in Dick Tracy, you gotta immediately turn to the invaluable Dick Tracy wiki where you’ll learn that Splitscreen is in fact a villain from the ’80s, that his known associates are “V.H. Hess” and “Maxie Beta,” and that his real name Ed Vio is an anagram for “video.” Makes you think! Anyway, at least Splitscreen had the dignity to wear a suit and tie, unlike his slob of a son. The decline in formality in screen-themed villains really says a lot about society, in my opinion.
Luann, 8/6/26
Oh, huh, this is interesting, because I always assumed that Luann … was already a full-time student? Her academic status is as puzzling as her relationship status????
141 replies to “I assume that’s Splitscreen’s hype man behind him”
DT: The suit of the goofy villain was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.
Everyone must make sacrifices and suffer for Luann’s sake. It’s like she’s Christ, except the opposite — there must be a quicker way to say that
Dick Tracy:
” ‘Quasimodo‘ — why is that name ringing a bell, Lizz?”
Dick Tracy:
“Ed” looks like Ernest Borgnine on acid. With Roger C. Carmel right behind him.
Dick Tracy:
“Okay, a little off-topic, Lizz, but has anyone ever told you that you look like Natashe Fatale of ‘Boris and Natasha’ from The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends show, only with a different hairdo?”
Mary Worth:
“Tommy…I want to apologize. Now mind you, I’m far too indolent, and not nearly forthright enough, to go hunting you down to deliver that apology. But since you’ve barged in, anyway, and I’m already here to begin with — well, heck, I might as well say it to you.”
Dick Tracy : *reads up* Oh, he went catatonic from being forced to stop constantly watching TV cold turkey while in prison? Lame! That’s not even “accidentally completely mindwiped by amnesia machine” or “watch exploded, fell down hole”, to say nothing of “eaten alive by rats”!
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Heart of the City : I thought Heart was the LEAST “anime” of her friend circle, yet she’s this into proper ramen shop etiquette?
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Luann :
1) Josh, Luann practically gave up college after Phil said something like “Only an idiot wastes their lives spending an eternity in college, instead of immediately getting a full-time job like I did”, and applied to the first job opening she found (fast food restaurant table wiper, which she found out about because the clerk taking her order got into a screaming match with the manager and quit on the spot). She was working a dead-end job she hated entirely to impress Phil with how good she was at “adulting”, while what little classes she still attended was essentially a “What do you want to be when you grow up?” workshop.
2) Hey, I’ve got an idea; sure, Frank is a heartless skinflint bastard who loves hiding how much money he actually makes so he can refuse to spend a single penny on his family, but I think he’s REALLY eager for Luann to finally move out, so why not ask him to front a year’s worth of rent (or at least the part that’s missing from Luann not making enough money to pay her half)?
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On the Fastrack : sorry, but the BEST visual metaphor for “system being barely held together by out-of-date-software” has already been made.
DT: Oh no, it’s the Film Pirate! And there’s a second guy in that panel. Could it be? Yikes! It’s the Guy Whose Library Books Are Overdue!
FC-Nice tribute to the Comics Curmudgeon.
MW-Wilbur is on step 9, making amends.
LUANN: So, Luann is going to be a teacher. She’s definitely doing it. She’s got this. It’s a done deal. The die is cast.
GT: They omitted “speak now or forever hold your peace,” from the vows, but neglected to muzzle Ma Thorp for the reception.
H&L: The day Ditto learns about slack-fill is the day his childhood ends.
RMMD: Uncle Rene-Jimmy is no fool. If Thing One and Thing Two attempt a kidnapping, he’ll throw them under the bus in a hot minute in exchange for a reduced sentence.
MW: “Aw, thanks, Mr Weston. Now I feel kind of bad that I deflated your tires and told the IRS that you warranted a look-see.”
@Schroduck:
“the sky over the port was the color of television, turned to a dead channel” – from Neuromancer by William Gibson
DT: “ICE STATION?” Dick’s getting into a new area, and I’m not sure I want to follow.
@MKay:
LUANN: So, Luann is going to be a teacher. She’s definitely doing it. She’s got this. It’s a done deal. The die is cast.
She’s definitely not going to give up on it ENTIRELY at the first setback/distraction THIS TIME!
What dream is Phil dumping? The dream of convenient access to Luann for sexual purposes?
@Bob Tice: Funny, I always thought her name was Natasha Nogoodnik.
Edit: Fatale sounds way WAY cooler though.
JP: Is April will be going to Neddy’s but Sophie has taken Charlotte back to the ranch and now is wandering looking at tombstones. Will it take several weeks before this is resolved? Or could Neddy simply call Sophie and give her April’s number. Or even simpler give April Sophie’s number.
MW: Wilbur does not rise because while he has thrown off his addiction of that demon rum, he know self medicates with calming soothing pharmaceuticals that quiet his mind.
Gil: More and more, have to believe the strips were run out of sequence. Flying off in the biplane has to be the conclusion of the marriage arc.
MW: Good to see Dawn finally has a job — as (record scratch) Wilbur’s interpreter?
Gasoline Alley: Oh, no. Another instantly-in-love dog/cat pairing. I predict synchronized pet yoga in a future strip.
Dick Tracy:
Splitscreen is described a “film pirate”, which seems awfully low-stakes for Dick’s usual adversaries. I suspect that even Dick found his crimes insufficiently violent and exciting and didn’t bother actually investigating him, which is why he barely even remembers his name. Instead of police persecution, Splitscreen was taken out by the obsolescence of his beloved analog media. The Dick Tracy creative team thinks they need to update the concept for the digital age with “Widescreen”, but it would have made just as much sense to bring back Splitscreen himself now that hipsters all affect a love of retro media formats. With his old-school AV club connections, he could’ve cornered the black market of LaserDiscs and new-old-stock VCRs.
@matt w:
No, you see, because Luann says she can’t move in with him NOW, that means he has to give up on it permanently! That’s how it works; if something fails because of any circumstance, that means it’s never going to work EVER, and you should give up on it PERMANENTLY. It doesn’t matter how temporary the circumstance was, or how you could simply adjust the plan to take the circumstance into account and have it NOT fail!
Luann:
Note that this strip implies that while Luann’s dream is to become a teacher and inspire children with a love of learning that will stay with them for the rest of their lives, Phil’s dream is to live under the same roof as a woman.
Luann just got herself promoted to Weenie Hut manager for the sole purpose of living with Phil, and now she doesn’t have time for either all of a sudden because an off-screen summer camp inspired her to change her career. She needs more time for school, but the only class we’ve seen her take is Career Paths, and she failed the only assignment we’ve seen her do. You’re dodging a bullet, Phil. Please just step back and let it whiz by.
@Banana Jr. 6000:
Luann just got herself promoted to Weenie Hut manager
I know the way I talk about Luann involves hyperbole and exaggeration, and sometimes misrepresent the strip, but I try to avoid talking about stuff that didn’t happen.
And Luann proving competent enough at her job to get promoted to MANAGER (wasn’t it just ASSISTANT manager)!? No, that didn’t happen, Luann THOUGHT it was going to happen, but there didn’t seem to be any reason to believe it would.
…At least, IIRC, maybe I missed something, and she DID get the promotion?
In this day and age, a Film Pirate is hardly villain material. It’s about as menacing as “Ed Vio, the guy who refused to be kind and rewind” would have been 30 years ago.
DT: Imagine walking around in real life, when you see a man whose suit is somehow made of static. It’s buzzing and glitching and generally violating all the laws of fabric, sewing, and good taste. There would be so many crashes as people take their eyes off the road to stare. This is why television and cars don’t mix.
@20 Anonymous: “…if something fails because of any circumstance, that means it’s never going to work EVER, and you should give up on it PERMANENTLY.” AKA “The Gilligan’s Island Theorem.”
@22 Banana Jr. 6000: How could you forget the years and years of Luann taking Art 101 with Professor Flamboyant?
@Austria: Right “Remember our old ‘friend’ Ed Vio, who we shot for making unauthorized copies of videos?” “Oh yeah, the Civilian Review Board almost chose further investigation on that one.”
Serious Reply To Josh: Luann has been attending community college, though I don’t remember if she’s been going part- or full-time. Presumably, becoming a teacher means going to a more expensive four-year school, and no one in her universe has ever heard of student loans for things like rent.
DT: Ironically, Splitscreen would not in fact steal a car.
Luann: Forgive me if it’s been mentioned in the comic*, but what exactly are Phil’s living conditions now? Does he also live with his parents despite being a skilled medical worker (a depressingly valid possibility in this day and age) or does he have his own place? If so, why does he want to move to a different place with a roommate? It made sense when he was looking at high-end luxe apartments with all the amenities, but then he was willing to settle (geddit, cause the complex is called “The Settlers,” hyuck hyuck) for a cheaper campus-adjacent place which is probably no better than what he has now and possibly worse, if only because he would be sharing it with Luann.
*In my defense, Phil is not interesting enough for me to care about his backstory.
Luann’s dream is to become a teacher in the mid-21st century. She’s never going to be able for afford rent, Phil.
Way to hang a lantern on Comic Book Time, Dick Tracy! I don’t know why you wanted us to ask how old DT is – whether he’s a ’30s cop, an ’80s cop, or a 2020s cop – but we’re asking it now! Or maybe he’s secretly the latest in a line of identical, short-lived Tracys? Like one of the Replicants from Blade Runner, but yellow?
Forget the VPN mystery, kids, I think I’m onto something BIG.
@Vulpes: Splitscreen is described a “film pirate”, which seems awfully low-stakes for Dick’s usual adversaries. I suspect that even Dick found his crimes insufficiently violent and exciting and didn’t bother actually investigating him, which is why he barely even remembers his name.
Yeah, if anything, he seems like he should be a Rex Morgan, MD villain.
This week, it’s less that Luann’s dialogue is unnatural and more that she’s striking a blow against the concept of language. Good for her?
C’shaft: Good job capturing the “you think I’m going to let you use MY phone to sort this out? Think again, you walking insurance risk” expression on Pam’s face.
Dustin: Everyone in Dustin has the mentality of an eight-year-old. This explains a great deal.
MW: “No, no, I get it, he’s a self-absorbed dick with no empathy. Nothing we didn’t know before.”
Phantom: Special cameo appearance by Rex Morgan’s Fergus “Mud Mountain” Murphy.
RMMD: What fascinates me about the Doublemint Twins is their Count Weirdly-esque willingness to not only engage in any form of malfeasance be it great (high-end shoplifting, kidnapping) or small (petty busking grift, persistently deadnaming their uncle), but to do it all within a highly localized area to a fairly small group of people, even though this increases their risks of being recognized in one of their schemes (especially since they kind of stand out in the memory, what with being IDENTICAL TWINS and all).
MW: Thank goodness Wilbur is a socially inept, clueless, self-centered boor, or he’d be made very uncomfortable by Tommy and Dawn’s extremely intense eye contact right now.
@Anonymous: I’m a teacher. Luann couldn’t handle my job. Because she’s stupid and doesn’t know anything about anything.
I’m trying to picture a grade in which Luann wouldn’t get eaten alive by her students. High school and middle school kids would destroy her. Elementary school kids would outsmart her. Kindergarteners and Pre-K would ignore her. I think she might be able to handle pre-verbal infants.
This Dick Tracy thing is making me want to write fanfiction where Widescreen feels trapped by his father’s dork ass legacy but also he’s too fat to get into sports based villainy and to broke to go the Lex Luthor route so he’s here, using VPNs to catfish old women or whatever.
DT: Much as Zeus is associated with lightning bolts, and Saint Catherine is often depicted holding a wheel, Splitscreen can here be identified by his attributive symbol, a television remote.
@treetown: That line reads very very differently depending on era. When Gibson wrote it, it was of course evocative of dreary gray overcast, maybe with a storm coming. In the 1990s, “clear bright blue”. Then a generation or so later, “Black, with ‘HDMI-1 no source’ emblazoned in large letters”. Nowadays, wall to wall advertising, which at least would be on-brand for cyberpunk.
@Anonymous: Honestly, I don’t know if she actually got the promotion or not, or if it was to manager or assistant manager. The whole strip is so vague and mealy-mouthed, it’s hard to tell. Not that any of these possible “promotions” would make a tiny dent in Luann’s inability to pay for an apartment anyway.
@Voshkod: What parents would trust their infants to Luann’s care? Wouldn’t that be Exhibit A in a case of criminal child neglect?
BLONDIE: Will Dithers’ new messenger be beating Dag to a pulp as part of Dithers’ anger management program?
CS: That phone will still work, Ed and Pam. Go ahead and pick it up…
Dick: What happened to Splitscreen?
Lizz: He attempted pirating Fantasia, Disney’s lawyers swarmed in, he was arrested as well as financially destroyed, we didn’t even have to do anything.
Dick: No wonder I don’t remember him.
@Jerp:
Oooh! And his devotion of dopamine-drenched desktop gaming, rather than being a conscious continuation of his father’s screen-based criminal legacy, is actually a rejection of his father making him watch bootlegged “slow cinema” on various now-obsolete media to compare and contrast visual and audio effect. “Notice how Kubrick’s use of natural light has much greater impact on this LaserDisc vs. Videodisc. Now lets watch Barry Lyndon one more time but on a rear-projector cathode ray TV—and stop fidgeting or I’ll get out the Clockwork Orange chair again!”
@TheDiva: “Dustin: Everyone in Dustin has the mentality of an eight-year-old. This explains a great deal.”
–Everyone in Luann has the mentality of an eight-year-old. This explains a great deal.
–Everyone in Funky Winkerbean has the mentality of an eight-year-old. This explains a great deal.
–Everyone in Intelligent Life has the mentality of an eight-year-old. This explains a great deal.
(etc.. etc..) ;-)
DT: Oh, come on, guest writer Eric Costello. This is Dick Tracy. We want to see a cop shoot people with physical deformities. Let’s get back to basics already!
Luann: Phil’s “So … you’re saying yes?” in panel one is heartbreaking because she’s clearly not saying yes. Luann, this is a teachable moment. You wanna be a teacher? Teach your little friend here about how people talk when they’re trying to let you down easy.
DT: “Dick Tracy” started in 1931. Its characters have long story lives. Splitscreen, movie pirate, started fighting against the Edison Trust, which was dissolved in 1915, but he’s the villain here?
GT: They are perfect for each other. She gladly dances with a man who’s holding his lead hand as if there’s a TV remote in it.
Beetle Bailey: Watch out, Chip Gizmo! Beetle’s gunning for your j—Aw, who are we kidding?
Zits: Blues? Jeremy should go for something emo or angsty, and Pierce can help him.
Hagar: Lute, however, can get in on the ground floor of Viking metal if he plays his cards right.
DT – *AKA: Rene Belluso.
Luann – “Something’s gotta get dumped? You’d better go home to do that; Bernice is kind of territorial about the bathroom here.”
Don Abundio, translated:
“Want to have a snowball fight?”
“Hmm… I guess so”
“But I still think you’re wasting your money!”
“Only Don Abundio would insist on snowballs made from Perrier water!”
@Peanut Gallery:
…Is that Juan Perfil, famous actor? That snowsuit is NOT flattering to his figure!
I imagine Luann goes to classes the same way I do in my dreams: Rushing to finals in a panic after forgetting I had enrolled for the entire semester.
LUANN: I think Luann “can’t afford rent” because she doesn’t have a job at ALL! (Hey kids did you know that if you take a job over the summer that requires you to go away somewhere, the job you were previously working at generally doesn’t “save your spot?” If you do, then you already have more knowledge retention that the Evans!)
LUANN (2): LUANN: “But you’re dumping yours for mine, Phil. As since your entire purpose here is to be my scrub-wearing killjoy of a man, you don’t have the autonomy to ask anyone else and have storylines independent from your devotion to me. Sucks that you have to go back to living with your folks or the cardboard box under the bridge or whatever your backstory is.”
LUANN (3): “Well, somethings gotta be dumped….” Hold on to that thought there, Phil-in. Call it a hunch/
@Anonymous: Yeah, and what happened to his trademark garish outfits? He should be wearing some kind of fluorescent striped ski clothes.
Luann: It’s too bad that Luann doesn’t have a career path at school that would actually generate a positive money flow, like taking an project from business class and applying it to the real world… how the heck did the Evansii nail both Death Glares from Curtis’ parents?
Dick Tracy: Honestly starting to wonder if the endless plethora of weird pun-and-gimmick based characters in Dick Tracy is meant to hint at some kind of ethnic or religious culture prevelant in Neo-Chicago and that’s why nobody ever seems to notice or comment on them in the comic.
Luann: No, nothing has to be dumped, what the fuck are you talking about, you goddamn moron. Just keep dating the way you’ve been dating while your girlfriend finishes college and then move in together at another time, it’s not that complicated. Also am I taking crazy pills? Because I kinda feel like Luann and Phil have flipped sides on this subject multiple times, not just over months but within this very conversation!
GT/Phantom: Next up, Indicta NotElon shows up in Milford and makes Coach Gerads and Gil’s mom join forces to take down Gil.
Pluggers: I can’t tell if the point of today’s Pluggers is that this guy eats too much, or that he keeps refilling his bowl of soup because he’s postponing yet another sad, lonely evening of snoozing in front of Bonanza reruns. But let’s go with the gluttony angle — it’s less depressing.
Dick Tracy: How exactly is this one detective team supposed to stop cyber-piracy? At this very moment, there are people in theaters all around the world recording the new Spider-Man movie with phones, mini-recorders or Meta Glasses, then uploading it to the internet. It would take an entire “CSI: Cyber” team to even make a dent in that kind of crime, and that show was canceled a decade ago. (You can find it for free on the internet if you know where to look.)
@36 brendancalling: Tell us how you really feel. Don’t edit yourself.
@41 Banana Jr. 6000: Luann was promoted to Head Weenie Wiper. In certain places in Nevada, it would be a very lucrative job.
CS: Note how these two mental midgets are simply staring at the fire instead of getting the garden hose, throwing a blanket or tarp over it, or even just stamping it out. I’m still of the opinion this is the true origins of ‘The Burnings'[!!] because the Syndicate finally went to Batiuk and said ‘okay old man, wrap it up. Angle for that Pulitzer on your own time.’
DT/MW- “Wilbur…Weston…Why is that name cunna linging a Belle, Liz?”
RMMD- I gotta great idea! Why don’t Hean y Hane go talk this kidnapping plot over with Uncle Yimmy?
@The Rambling Otter: I’m sorry, but no. Everyone in Funky Winkerbean, at least, had the mentality of Grandpa Simpson.
CS- So piss on it already, dumbass!
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: I’ll be real, I don’t think Luann actually properly attends college period. She’s probably not even enrolled; she wandered onto the campus, asked the front desk if she could join, took it as a ‘yes’ when told to sign up, and has ever since just been kinda bumbling about the college grounds doing whatever, convinced that she’s somehow absorbing ambient knowledge in the air.
@Dmsilev: Cyberpunk 2077 (my favorite video game ever) actually uses the “sky filled with advertising” take. Night City is so perpetually saturated with constant advertisements and corpo propaganda that it creates massive light pollution and any time you look up, you’re probably going to see either a blurry, featureless polluted sky (if you’re in the suburbs) or just more ads, so many that it blocks out the sky entirely (if you’re deeper in the city).
What’s especially interesting is that it’s shown and observed that it all the myriad lights given off by the city because of it make it actually really pretty and alluring… but only from outside the city, or at least on it’s outskirts, where all you can see is the blur of colors mixing together on buildings. Reflecting the game’s recurring themes about how all of Nighty City’s bullshit about being a place of opportunity is a trap akin to the colors on a poisonous frog and how your only hope for defeating the city and getting a happy ending is getting the fuck out of there. Pointedly, in the aforementioned happier endings where you reject the city’s toxic culture and leave it forever, one of the last things you’ll see is an unpolluted sky, and depending on your character build, it may well be the first time in their life that V has seen a non-ad-filled nightsky.
@TheDiva: The “deadnaming their uncle” bit got me imagining Rene doing a coming-out-as-trans scene to his parents but he’s explaining that he’s transitioning his gender from male to a scam artist.
@TheDiva: I honestly, legitimately do not recall if Phil has ever been given a home or backstory or even life outside of being a orderly and dating Luann. My best guess is that his living situation generally begins and ends at “is doing better than Luann in some way” so he can be the breadwinning man of the house, just because this a comic that stridently refuses to ever let women be self-made and independent.
@ectojazzmage: You cannot recall it because it’s never happened. I’m certain of that. The only time we’ve seen Phil without Luann and not actively at work at Bedpan Manor Home for Cute Old People was when he was moping in his car after Luann told him he was off to Camp NotMystic. For all we know, he lives in that little shitbox econocommuter and that’s why he’s able to save money and ‘be more successful’.
MARY WORTH: Look out, Luann, because you’re not the only eternal collegiate that’s forging a new path in life! Anyway, it’s nice to see that Dawn has finally found her calling as The Jackass Whisperer.
MARY WORTH (2): But honestly, you guys, it’s so hard to get invested in this storyline. Mostly because, while it’s not “politically-correct”, Tommy is just so uninteresting when he’s not in “crackhead mode.” It’s certainly not the worst this strip has ever done, but it’s certainly the most boring. I know people here hate it when the comic resorts to “Wilbur: America’s Most Lovable Asshole”, but all the other characters are really going to have to step up to the plate and get some damn charisma if we want to avoid Moy resorting to Wilbur drunkenly hitting on someone at a funeral or something (Mary: “Oh no you don’t, Wilbur! That’s my bit!”)
DT: You remember Ed Vio, Tracy! His sister Ima married that two-bit crook C. Yah Later!
Phantom: Even if it were an option, Kadia, I can’t picture Eric Sahara beelining for Maitwaan. Sorry to be the one to break it, but your Dad just isn’t that into you.
DT: Uh oh, 1982 means Splitscreen and his boys were Max Allan Collins creations. Max Al is a sweet guy, but he came up with the very stupidest villains in the Tracy canon.
@Jerp: Wait … didn’t this whole case get started because Widescreen had hit a major game develop with ransomware? Isn’t that worth a lot of money?
@Ukulele Ike: Admittedly I’ve not read a whole lot of Collins’ work, but I respect him for killing off the 60s sci-fi nonsense that had taken over the strip and regrounding it to a considerable degree. Sure, he dipped into Gould’s rogues gallery when he could, but it never felt like fanservice for the sake of fanservice, like Eric Costello having B.O. Plenty win the 1966 Batmobile in a raffle.
@ValdVin: No, that was Splitscreen’s mother and Widescreen’s grandma, Iris Effect. She infamously bootlegged Edwin S. Porter’s The Great Train Robbery in 1903 and sold it to penny arcade Mutoscope operators across the country.
What A Frazzhole!: You know who else vacationed in Death Valley, Frazzhole? The Addams Family! Going to start ripping off The Addams Family, Frazzhole? Is that your “thing” now?
Luann: Well, that’s that I guess. Almost had a plot development there, that was a close one.
MW- (Panel #1) That red book is probably hollowed out, and it’s where Wilbur keeps his dope. (Panel#2) Gotta love Tommy’s thousand yard stare.
RMMD- “We’d better talk to Uncle Jimmy first, before we kidnap Sara. But since we’re here, what say we go turn their garden hose on full blast, stick it in the basement window well, and leave?”
Luanne, you aren’t fooling anyone. There’s a reason a large plurality of student-athletes study education, and it’s not because it’s an intense program that uses up all your spare time.
@Dmsilev: @Voshkod: What parents would trust their infants to Luann’s care?
____________________________
you mean other than Marvin’s, and The Flagstons?
Mary’s Worst: Nice of Dawn to step in and translate for the Mary Worth impaired in the audience.
@Anonymous: MW- (Panel #1) That red book is probably hollowed out,
_______________________________
“Communism was just a red herring.”-Tim Curry, ” Clue:The Movie”
@White Rabbit, @Ukulele Ike: Wait, if he came from 1982, then wasn’t he in the arc where Tracy discovered Ed Vio killed the Radio Star?
(although initially the blame was put on V.C. Arrrghhhh, the Tape Pirate)
@Anonymous: This Anonymous was me, not the Other Anonymous.
@Anonymous: RMMD- “We’d better talk to Uncle Jimmy first, before we kidnap Sara. But since we’re here, what say we go turn their garden hose on full blast, stick it in the basement window well, and leave?”
___________________________
“That would give the Morgans a free indoor pool without them earning it.Just another day in Morganville,
Thing #2, Wait…am I Betty #1 or Betty #2?”*
* ” Quark”,NBC,briefly, 1978 Richard Benjamin, Buck Henry
@Little Guy: I’d check into it, but they blinded me with science.
Dirk Twacy Hollistic Defective : Silver Nitrate was such a paper thin and (literally) colorless villian, I had no idea he was a suspiciously similar substitute for a classic(?) Tracy villian.
Blondie, the Neighborhood Bumstead: Dag catches a rare break….Clone! Ghandi has been assigned to give him Dithers’ buttkicking.
@2+2=7: That’s the thing about Mary Worth and a lot of media with similar ideology to it. It always wants to make some high-handed moral purity point about how this or that is toxic and you’ll be happier without it, but the “good living” story and characters are often so boring and lifeless. The only real fun comes when you’re seeing the villains and victims behaving in whatever ridiculous cartoon ways the laughably square writer seems to think anyone they don’t like lives.
This is amplified by the writer’s puritanism meaning they lump the most harmless shit in the universe (like enjoying sex or going dancing at a club or not wanting kids) in with genuinely bad things (like drug addiction or crime), exposing how detached from basic human reality they are by their extreme repression and hangups. Not to mention, those same hangups and the general bad writing tend to make the supposedly successful characters seem much more insidious, miserable, pathetic and outright dangerous than any of the “bad guy” characters.
Tommy was infinitely funnier and more likable when he was a crackhead because it’s entertaining to see Karen Moy’s bumbling, clueless attempts to write a hardcore drug addict in her Hard-G-Rated newspaper comic where every problem is solved by a dottering old lady lecturing people. Just like it was funny to see her hilariously bad attempts at writing people like a perverted sleazebag or an abusive boyfriend, where they come off as either totally normal people or as ludicrous parodies, and in either case the Charterstoners react to them in the same way the characters in an old B-Movie would react to an evil alien coming out of it’s saucer.
Conversely, sober Tommy is just kinda pathetic and boring, subjecting us to Moy’s horrendous ideas of what a “healthy” life is. Which, as everything above notes, is basically a bleak, oppressive life of constant repression and conformity where you’re only allowed a very narrow range of interests and hobbies that aren’t “freakshit” in Moy’s eyes, must always follow the ways of white-picket, HOA-ruled, upper-class suburbia, and have to just grin and bear it and follow orders when a higher caste (i.e., a WASP guy) either acts like an overgrown child or scolds you.
@Pozzo: The most disappointing thing about the ICE STATION is that there’s no actual zebra in there. I mean, I was waiting through the whole stupid movie for the zebra to show up, and there was NO ZEBRA!!
@Dr. Larry Erhardt: I have that recurring dream, too, which makes no sense as I finished formal education 30-some years ago.
@Peanut Gallery: I understand that Ernest Borgnine and Patrick McGoohan were to play, respectively, the front and back end of a pantomime zebra, but that Sturges needed to cut those scenes because Rock Hudson couldn’t keep a straight face. Alistair MacLean was so angry he nearly had his name removed from the project.
Worse, the editor also took out the Jayne Mansfield-tight-sweater scene.
GT: So Ma Thorp is now Abstract Art Lucille Bluth.
@Ukulele Ike: Oh, right! That’s why there was that Prisoner episode in which Number Six’s mind is implanted into the body of a pantomime zebra.
@ectojazzmage:
Good thing Rex Morgan M.D. is around to disprove that theory (Terry Beatty: “You look here, buddy: there is no fun whatsoever in whatever lame schemes my ridiculous cartoon villains are doing, you got that?”)
In all honestly, it’s really not that bad of a hypothesis, especially when you consider that part of Tommy’s “redemption tour” (snicker) involved him cutting his greasy oily hair to bring him up to the type of bland non-threatening respectability that’s usually only reserved for Luann’s boyfriends (Hey Tommy I know a spot that’s going to open up soon if you play your cards right.)
Dirk Twacy Hollistic Defective: Are those your eyebrows, or are you just happy that Harry Mudd slipped a tribble down your static pants?
@Baja Gaijin: Another instantly-in-love dog/cat pairing. I predict synchronized pet yoga in a future strip.
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Is that what the kids are calling cross species sexual relations these days?
DT: Of course Dick Tracy in the 80s was all “Every time you tape a film off the TV you are stealing money from hardworking Hollywood actors and writers, just as surely as if you were a studio accountant.” Of course it was.
I wonder if Widescreen’s henchmen with even dumber names are related to Splitscreen’s henchmen with even dumber names.
JP; Should we know why Neddy doesn’t want April to go to the guest cottage, or is that meant to be suspense?
DT: “Remember one of our old friends?” “FUCK YEAH!”
Luann: “So … you’re saying yes?” “FUCK NO!”
@Peanut Gallery: @Pozzo: The most disappointing thing about the ICE STATION is that there’s no actual zebra in there. I mean, I was waiting through the whole stupid movie for the zebra to show up, and there was NO ZEBRA!!
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The same thing happened on that “Dick Van Dyke Show” episode where Rob and Laura go see the Broadway musical “The Solid White Zebra”.
Luann-“Something’s gotta get dumped because I’ve been backed up for days.”
Nancy: Thank goodness Sluggo has an ample supply of woims.
DT: If you worry about your blazer and your shades being too matchy-matchy, you are not a Neo-Chicago criminal.
Luann: “Well, something’s gotta get dumped. Speaking of, don’t go into the bathroom for another ten minutes at least.”
Luann-Kids, you see this person. This is Luann. She is an inspiration. She’ll inspire you to not be her.
C-Shaft: It would stand to reason that there’s a landline in the house and/or Pam has her own phone, but maybe she considers a fire in the yard that could spread to their house and/or other houses on the street to be somebody else’s problem.
DtM: Nice try, Dennis, but it takes a little more than inflation jokes to menace a girl who carries a voodoo doll of herself.
Dustin: Alas the old “Prince Albert in a can” gag has faded along with the printing and distribution of the White Pages, else Fitch would be the ideal target.
GT: Credit where credit is due. Gil’s mother being “Lucille Bluth but without money” accounts for a lot.
MW: Whatever unlikely workout routine Wilbur is on has given him borderline Popeye forearms. His handshake is rated “firm, but clammy.”
Phantom: If they can’t get hold of Stripeypants maybe legendary rock & roll DJ Wolfman Jack has some ideas.
RMMD: Great. The exact same idiocy as yesterday, Editor’s Note included, only now it’s in IMAX.
@The Fuck No Guy!: That works literally AND figuratively.
@Lauralot: The Abstract Art part was inevitable, given the talent involved.
@Anonymous: LUANN: Frank is a heartless skinflint bastard who loves hiding how much money he actually makes so he can refuse to spend a single penny on his family, but I think he’s REALLY eager for Luann to finally move out
I could’ve told you that years ago. Remember when 16-year-old Luann had a string of love interests who were 21-and-over, and Frank had zero problem with any of them? He was just hoping beyond hope that one of them might just take Luann off his hands for him. In terms of protecting his underage daughter Frank was basically the opposite of Stanley from The Office.
@97 GarrisonSkunk: Stop being a smarty-pants. It’s a dog and cat doing yoga.
@Joe Blevins: LUANN: Luann, this is a teachable moment. You wanna be a teacher? Teach your little friend here about how people talk when they’re trying to let you down easy.
While she’s at it she can teach that lesson to Tiffany, who simply wouldn’t take the hint that Kip didn’t want to date her. Kip went so far as to get back together with a girl he can’t stand just to make himself unavailable to Tiffany.
REX MORGAN M.D.: If you caught my epic rant about this storyline yesterday, feel free to copy and paste it (just like Terry Beatty copy and pasted the infuriatingly obnoxious “AKA: Rene Bellusco” footnote) because it still applies.
This entry does raises some new questions though, chief among them being why do they need to “check with” Rene in the first place? Never mind that he already told you his stance on this prospect, as far as I know he’s not “The Godfather” and these two nitwits are not his minions who work for him. Therefore they do not need his “permission” to do any two-bit scheme that they want to do. What are they going to do if he says “no” (again)? Just shrug and say “Well I guess that’s that. This is what we get for trying to make something happen in this comic. Shame on us.” Is the point of going back to the prison to see him is so law enforcement can overhear, leading to the same conclusion as the above? Are we going to have yet another Bellusco/Ollman plot foiled before it even began so Beatty can brag that he makes ethically-sourced comics that are “conflict free.”
@Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: That works literally AND figuratively.
FUCK YEAH!
RMMD: In the Bandar tongue: Rene Belluso
Late Thread Cuisine: This one has a real head-scratcher for a mystery ingredient. Hint: It’s visible in the photo.
@Peanut Gallery: And did you know the Prisoner’s producers worked around McGoohan’s absence, using the Zebra time to film “Living in Harmony?”
In that episode, the role of Number Six was played by a cowboy.
@Baja Gaijin: Lima beans AND cauliflower? yum?
@Baja Gaijin: on closer inspection, the candle wax might be more palatable.
Splitscreen makes me think of the sketch Video Pirates from Amazon Women on the Moon.
@Baja Gaijin: I think parents just made this one so they could make bets on whether the kids would finish it, gag on it, or outright refuse to eat it.
@Ukulele Ike: Gene Autry, to be specific. That’s where the harmony comes in!
@Baja Gaijin: It’s a dog and cat doing yoga.
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So then,what IS the kids calling dog and cat sexual relations,today? Doing the Plugger?
@Artist formerly known as Ben: Re RMMD: Tomorrow’s strip should just be an extreme closeup of those green eyes.*
(*AKA: RENE BELLUSO.)
And why does today’s “AKA: RENE BELLUSO” have a period after it, when yesterday’s didn’t? This kind of thing drives me nuts.
@Ettorre: Bwahaha!
@Baja Gaijin: Toasted woodlice?
@Banana Jr. 6000: I am going to remember your two last fabulous lines for as long as Phil and Luann are deepwy in wuv, so possibly not that long, but still, thank you.
@Baja Gaijin: Rabbit embryos?
LUANN: Luann assumes that being a teacher is just like being an inexplicably-beloved counselor in an artsy somewhat-upscale summer camp, except for having to wear slightly-more-formal clothing in different seasons of the year. I’d pity her future pupils except I’m really hoping her future college classmates will find some discreet way to kill her before she even begins to get that far.
MT: As someone who was active in scouting from second grade through high school, I have this to say to Mark and Jules: You wish.
@Baja Gaijin: The card is from 1973, so I’m gonna guess Soylent Green.
@118 Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol: Seconded. Lima beans and cauliflower? Bleah.
@120 Artist formerly known as Ben: Huh. Dinner as a behavioral study. This could be the explanation for this recipe.
@126 Peanut Gallery: You’re close, and the toasted wood lice would probably taste better.
@128 Poteet: Rabbit embryos? Are you high–[looks at photo again]–you may be onto something.
@131 taig: No. Would you be surprised to learn that Grape Nuts is the mystery ingredient? It’s
the toasted wood licesprinkled on top of the monstrosity.@122 GarrisonSkunk: I don’t think kids today talk about that today, what with widespread, easily accessible pornography available.
@Baja Gaijin: I would be (and am) surprised.
Luann: I’ve got a feeling this is just a way to get Luann over to Mooney U so she can be with the rest of the gang and it’s high school all over again. Bets can move in with Gunther at Cockblock Cabin and Luann can become the fourth roommate with Dez, Tif, and Stef. Hilarity and hijinks ensue.
@The Rambling Otter: I know this is waayyy late and will almost surely not be seen, but I have an 8-year-old, and frankly if those strips has characters who thought *anything* like my kid’s gaggle of friends, the comics page would be a *lot* more entertaining.
@CanuckDownSouth: You’re right, that’s too kind to those comics.
As with what you said (and also demonstrated by Peanuts and Calvin), kids are smarter than that.
Dick Tracy: If this was animated, I can only imagine that Splitscreen’s glasses (and shirt) would literally wave back and forth.
Like those old Squigglevision cartoons like Doctor Katz and Stickin’ Around.
(Which were stated to give some viewers motion sickness)
@Austria: The Fiend!
BLONDIE: Hey, Blondie? You know Alexander and Cookie exist, right? Therefore you already have two kids you can hang hoary “technology, am I right?” Old-fogeyism on, right? No need to import a third.