Various disasters
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Dustin, 8/17/26
Hey kids! Do you remember the Deepwater Horizon oil spill that dumped 150 million gallons of oil into the ocean? Well, that happened in April of 2010, which I regret to inform you all was more than 16 years ago. I’m not saying that it’s impossible for someone in their early 20s, as Dustin is supposed to be, to have a memory of this event that includes the total amount of oil spilled over the course of the disaster; I am saying that it’s a testament to the unparalleled period of peace and prosperity we’ve experienced since, given that this is Dustin’s go-to reference for “something world-historically bad happening” within his lifetime.
Crankshaft, 8/17/26
Hey, kids! Do you remember Funky Winkerbean, the comic strip that was originally about wacky high school students in Northeast Ohio who hung out at Montoni’s Pizza, but eventually came to be about depressed adults in Northeast Ohio whose lives all revolved around Montoni’s Pizza in some way, before finally becoming about survivors living in a futuristic sci-fi Northeast Ohio hellscape where books were eradicated in “the burnings” and the last few precious copies are guarded by robots, with the status of Montoni’s Pizza being unclear? Anyway, long story short, Crankshaft hopes you do, because clearly the intention here is that Crankshaft sitting down and saying “a nice big slice of … Montoni’s Pizza” with an extremely knowing expression on his face will have all of us hootin’ and hollerin’ and yellin’ “got the reference” like we’re the live studio audience for Family Matters and Urkel just walked on set.
64 replies to “Various disasters”
Dustin’s Balloon-head Stupid Friend: signs off on the Holocaust. Well, demographics check out.
Dustbin – Fitch’s “Everything happens . . . ” routine is no different than a lot of people’s “God has a plan” response to tragedies. It can be really insensitive. Except for anything happening to Dustin, I guess.
Dustin:
Dustin’s drinking buddy looks like Maynard G. Krebs inflated to 35 PSI.
The spiderwebs appear, but only behind Ralph and Ed. Light fixtures appear and disappear. Montoni’s girl WOULD regret doing the brown acid this morning, but it’s Montoni’s, she’s going to need something to get through the next person to have cancer.
Crankshaft:
“My movie star pal Jack Albertson and I were working out….”
RMMD:
“Hmm…who’s calling me? Let’s look at caller I.D. Ah! — it’s Ohio Art’s children’s writing implement’s Bizzy Buzz Buzz. But I already have a pen at home here, so why would he be calling me?”
CS. Just one slice between us because we’re old and cheap. Don’t expect a tip, btw.
yPhantom: Look, Kit, don’t overthink this. Just take the win and go home.
yyDT: Even Moose and Squirrel see what you did there.
Curtis: Be lucky you didn’t pedal into Sky City.
I’m 41 and I remember watching the 1992 LA riots on TV and then the Oklahoma City Bombing. Deepwater Horizon got turned into a pretty good movie so maybe Dustin is just remembering the movie the same way people remember Titanic after seeing the 1997 movie.
Dustin:
Gottfried Leibniz, the philosopher and mathematician who co-created calculus, proclaimed that even with all its flaws, we must live in the best of all possible worlds, because a loving, omnipotent God would not create a flawed world if a better one was logically possible—and it is of course orthodox Christian theology that God cannot do the logically impossible. (This philosophical optimism was famously satirized by Voltaire in his novella Candide.) So there’s some real history behind Dustin’s friend’s (Mitch? Is his name Mitch? I’m not checking, you can’t make me) claim here! Of course, it’s probably fortunate that Dustin isn’t theologically literate enough to understand the implication, which is that it’s logically impossible for someone to want to fuck him.
Dustin I kinda like this strip, because it implies that Dustin doesn’t have a girlfriend for the good of the entire universe, which makes sense if you think about who he is for a minute. If only fate had intervened for his father.
CrSht Dumb as that joke(?) was, I was almost convinced that that second panel was leading up to a threesome proposal, so I guess it could have been worse…
Dustin – I’ve got a feeling a wallet wrenching divorce is part of the divine plan for you….
Crank – Working out is Crank code for having a prodigious bowel movement….
Adios Amigos, DJ.
I have to wonder if there are passive aggressive people sending in suggestions to Pluggers with the name of a coworker or neighbor they dislike just hoping that it will get turned into a humiliating comic. Today’s Pluggers installment is about how Pluggers are fat gluttons who will consume everything they can get their hands on.
A quick Google reveals that Deepwater Horizon blew only 4 months after Dustin started as a comic strip. Coincidence? Probably, yeah.
Well, the workout didn’t give Crankshaft a heart attack, so hopefully the pizza will.
DT: No, Shaggy! Don’t do it! The po-po did you a favor by stupidly taking your trash in broad daylight! Don’t rat out your friends, keep fightin’ the powers that be!
JP: So you *know* they’re stalling, CIApril? Then *why* aren’t you getting all stabby-stabby and just taking the raspberry-haired brat? Last I remembered your little ‘watch my kid for a bit’ arrangement with Neddy was not written down anywhere, therefore Neddy has no legal claim. I would have thought someone who plays so fast and loose with the law would know it by heart so as to wield the knowledge to defeat your enemies.
S4th: Ces, you keep Pete & Pete off your filthy, filthy pen! I swear, if you dare invoke the name of Artie, I’m going to go CIApril on you!
MW: When emotional, the female Weston will secrete mayonnaise from their eye ducts… we will return to Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Charterstone after this.
The Deepwater Horizon disaster was caused by human error and was completely preventable. It didn’t just happen randomly and for no reason at all. I still feel bad because a lot of innocent people died and it was a tragedy but it was definitely caused by people making poor choices.
GT Yes, keep digging, Jami. It’s the only way to escape the terrifying spatial realm you’re in, where you’re simultaneously right by the shore *and* at the top of multi-story-high sand dune, towering over the beach in defiance of physics.
Seeing as Montoni’s is in Westview and Crankshaft lives in Centerville.
He has to drive to another city, probably passing at least three Papa Johns, Dominos, and Pizza huts to get to his “delicious” Montoni’s Pizza.
What a crock…
It’s good to be reminded that, beneath Dustin’s inept pickup attempt, there is a real (fictional) human lonely human being who is experiencing real (fictional) suffering, and who totally deserves it.
Wrecks Moregone:
“Hello, Uncle Lyle? Jimmyrene here. I’m worried that the twins will do something stupid.”
“You’re worried that the *twins* will do something *stupid*?!?”
“…….when you put it like that……”
_____________________________________
Wary Morth:
Dusk Weston, Dusk Weston
Has the brains
Of a stale crouton
She manages
To mesmerise
Herself and
Try men for size
Look out! There cries the Dusk Weston!
Is she dumb? She’s a dud
Like her dad
Her head’s a pud
Does she want
Tommy in bed
Her romance
Sank like lead
Look out! There cries the Dusk Weston!
@The Rambling Otter: What? Crankshaft has always lived in Westview, just as we have always been at war with Eastasia and Skip the One-Armed reporter has always been interviewing Batton Thomas.
Dustin: Dustin is such a huge fan of Mark Wahlberg (a real Wicked Pissah Wahlhead, as they call themselves) that he’s watched the entire Wahlberg filmography, even 2016’s Deepwater Horizon – an action movie with no memorable moments, that somehow cost $156 million to make and I think I might be the only person who saw it in a theater. Naturally, he’s memorised all Wahlberg’s classic lines of dialogue like. “The Deepwatah Horizon oil spill dumped 150 million fuckin’ gallons of oil into the fuckin’ ocean” and he’ll bust them out any chance he gets.
Flylock Socks:
Unfortunately for Flylock, the air stream is from giant ventilation pumps, and the “surface” tunnel actually leads to the underground lair of the Morlocks.
Crankshaft: [Tom Batiuk, sitting in dimly-lit studio, nods at Crankshaft and Ralph]: They’re my friends. I made them. They like Montoni’s. I made them.
[Android Priss ululates, backflips to catch and kill Batiuk]
[Audience goes wild]
C’shaft: Please, these guys are in the 90s and have bodies shaped like potatoes. The most exercise they’ve done is pulling their creaky, decrepit selves up onto those counter stools.
Dustin: The debate on theodicy–the conundrum of why a theoretically all-loving, all-powerful God would permit suffering to happen, especially to those who’ve done nothing to deserve it–has been going on for centuries and will probably continue to do so as long as humankind seeks answers for fundamentally unanswerable questions. The issue is more straightforward here, as empirical evidence clearly proves that everyone in Dustin deserves to suffer.
Dustin: So you’re saying Dustin lacks the background to know about historical events? Because, uh, I have to agree.
@Schroduck:
Mark Wahlberg was also in the Patriots Day movie about the Boston Marathon Bombing.
Dustin: At least he didn’t say the Exxon Valdez.
Crankshaft: By “working out,” I assume he means they changed into baggy shorts and T-shirts at the gym, walked on treadmills set at “2” for 10 minutes and pushed on a few circuit-training machines before sitting in the stretching area and staring at the ladies’ yoga class. I doubt they worked off anywhere near the 350+ calories in a large slice of greasy pizza, but let’s give them credit for even trying to stay alive at this point.
GT: Okay, Jamie’s what, tweens-ish? He plays D&D and video games, and within the limited confines of the art he does look like a late elementary-early middle school kid. Way too old to be carting around a plastic pail on the beach and talking about digging to China.
Luann: What’s this “we”? You just contributed the genetic material, and given your resources that’s not much of a contribution.
MW: Awwwww, is poor Dawnie heartbroken because she indicated she just wants to be friends with a guy and he’s happy just remaining friends with her?
Everything? Even the creation of the Dustin comic strip? Wow, you must really hate humanity.
***
Based on the look on Ralph’s face I wanted to make a sex joke, but ew, that would have to include Crankshaft getting it on. Then I realized that this is Crankshaft and “working out” probably means randomly picking stories out of the newspaper or a magazine and coming up with some word play or malapropisms about them to keep in tip-top Funkyverse shape.
This is the most disturbing facial expression ever used on Crankshaft. Horny for pizza.
You shouldn’t judge people on questions of faith, but what kind of weak theodicy do you have that an important but localised environmental disaster with contained human impact is enough to disprove the existence of a benevolent god?
Hey kids! Do you remember Crankshaft, the Funky Winkerbean spinoff comic about a crotchety old man who alienates the people around him with his misanthropic antics? Well, the people behind Crankshaft hope you don’t, because now it’s about two buddies being wholesome about reasonable health decisions while everyone smiles.
The last Crankshaft’s storyline was about big band music, now it is about delicious pizza. Congratulations, you picked two things the comics medium is unfit to convey!
This remake of Voltaire’s “Candide” is terrible!
Crankshaft: I had forgotten how far off the rails Funky Winkerbean went before it retired. They had to invent ultra-futuristic hyperrails so the story could shatter them in order to achieve escape velocity and transcend the boundaries of coherence.
Was this the creator’s goal? Who knows! Sometimes you just want to draw a girl in a future suit, and you have to meet a deadline at the same time.
Good thing there’s nothing terrible happening in the world today for Dustin to reference, right? RIGHT?
That said, I think I understand the problem here. The Deepwater Horizon disaster was an accident; all of our current disasters are on purpose.
If they wanted to avoid contemporary political entanglements, they probably should have brought up the Black Plague or something. Everybody loves a good plague.
I wonder whether Dustin’s joke was originally about Covid-19 and then the writer recoiled at the thought of how much hate mail he would receive for suggesting it was not a Chinese-Fauci plot, so he decided to pick something older and less offensive
Working out!?!? Why do you keep teasing us that maybe this time Crankshaft will get a heart attack!? You won’t deliver, we know!
@Ettorre:
Sadly, it’s Ralph Meckler who has a heart condition. There was a whole storyline about it.
…Ah, Ralph Meckler. Actually the center of several storylines, has a rather deep backstory, has absolutely no personality or characterisation beyond “Crankshaft’s friend”.
Dustin-Just give it up, Dustin, and start paying for it.
Blondie-Sorry but your order will still be delivered wrong.
RMMD-This clearly isn’t a “Prison Scam Call” because Rene is already in prison.
MW-“Life is brutal.”
JP: I guess this confirms that Cavelton/Spencer Farms are in Southern California, roughly a ten minute flight from LAX. If they were in Wisconsin or upstate NY or Virginia or any of our other hypotheses, this conversation wouldn’t make sense. Unless Abbey plans to force April to drink iced tea for 5-6 hours.
Edge City, CK version: Len has been pissing me off all week. If you’re going to pretend to be interested in a vacation rental share to get free shit, at least be POLITE to the poor sales bastards. “Not going to do it, jerkwad, now let me go back to my free food, drinks, and beach.”
DT: I’m not sure I agree with you one hundred percent cent on your police work there, girls. “Lizz, maybe we should disguise ourselves as garbagemen before we steal this garbage from directly in front of the house?” “Nah, let’s just hope no one looks out a window.”
Dustin: I refuse to believe that someone as self-centered and irresponsible as Dustin would bother putting his glass of beer down on a napkin.
‘shaft: “That’s a slice of pizza. We’re going to eat it Lady and the Tramp style and kiss in the middle. It’s either going to be cute or highly unsettling. Either way, it’s happening. The decision to watch or not is yours.”
@TheDiva: 90s? Crankshaft is at least 107, based on his baseball career.
“Oh, no! My shirt lapel! I guess!” – Beetle Bailey
Guys, the “clip” is less imprtant than the “art,” no?
The real irony is that theodicy only applies to the real world, where God is either absent or his ways are so mysterious that they escape the understanding of mere mortals who lack faith. Dustin is a fictional character living a universe built around him. The will of his creator is evident, so there is no doubt everything happens for a reason. The reason is, he must suffer for our amusement
@Ukulele Ike: On JP – More like a day at least, because you know Neddy’s making a hash of the simple task of getting on an airplane* (I can just see her having a quippy, pissyfaced argument with the ticket counter agent already). Good thing Abbey laced CIApril’s drink with whatever she uses to keep Sam, Sophie and Neddy from driving her up the wall while she has ‘personal time’ with Marie.
*Plus, anyone buying a one-way ticket anywhere is bound to get a little extra ‘scrutiny’ at security, so there’s another couple of hours down the toilet.
Dustin – Dustin’s in the “I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller / I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her” camp. Fitch is more of a “I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat” man.
Don Abundio, translated:
“Melo my boy, the union negotiators will meet me at the curb”
“Yes, sir”
“Do it just the way we rehearsed it”
“Yes, sir”
“Well done, Melo, and if you keep up the good work I’ll let you have your shoes back”
If they have worked off a slice of pizza, doesn’t that imply they went to Montoni’s before working out, and now they might be somewhere else to get that feeling of having a pizza in their bodies again?
CS: I don’t know much about Ralph’s activities, but when the heck does Ed Crankshaft ever work out??
BLONDIE: Okay, genius, now that Mr. Grubhub driver got paid, he won’t even bother to show up.
WoI: Why can’t we do that in this country?
Look at that beaver in panel 3 of Mark Trail! Now THERE is a critter thinking “I am taking the BEST shit right now!”
@Rover Berkeley:
CS: I don’t know much about Ralph’s activities, but when the heck does Ed Crankshaft ever work out??
When Funky Winkerbean ended, all of the “Funky goes to the gym but he is horribly out of shape” gags were transferred to Crankshaft.
Which is weird, because prior to that, all the “at the gym” gags in Crankshaft were about the moms on his bus route training
to kill him.“Dunc, buddy, you scared Clarissa of with a detailed discussion of Amoco Cadiz and Mandy left you because you wouldn’t shut up about Ixtoc 1. I think maybe the problem is you and your obsession with oil spills. Remember when Violet spilled her Coke and you went on a two hour rant about the destruction of the Iraqi oil fields?”
RIP Hayden Panetierre, she was only 36. If she was in anyone’s deadpool you sure got some points.
MW: Brandy is thinking “If that woman was MY friend, I would tell her the truth about that awful haircut.”
I was going to make a joke about references to Family Matters and Steve Urkel as being rather dated only to learn that the show is still in reruns to this day.
They say you should always try to learn something new every day. I don’t think I got my money’s worth on this one.
@Ettorre: #37: Yeah, and they didn’t even have the part where the starving pirates ate the women captive’s butt cheeks.
Phantom: I see Chatu is applying his jungle savvy of not sleeping on the ground. Not so much the pampered, metrosexual drones. By morning they’ll have been stepped on or shit on by elephants, save for the one a baboon troupe used for a frisbee.
Dustin: To quote Gandalf, “Even Gollum will play his part.”
yyCurtis: Chekov’s Wheelie Trick!
yyMT: Chekov’s Human Barometer!
yyFG: You know, I’m beginning to think this Ming character is a bit of an asshole.
Phantom: Okay, why do I have David Bowie’s “Putting Out the Fire” as an earworm?