Bad news, generally
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Mary Worth, 9/4/26
Nelly Feneley has been spending all week seething about how terrible everything is these days, but we’ve been wondering how this would intersect with Ian and Mary laffing it up in the car. Well, here’s your answer! Nelly has decided that Ian and Mary are having sex! That sounds horrible, of course, but remember, Nelly thinks everything around her — food, dogs, the Charterstone condominium community — is bad. And what sort of sexual relationships would you think might occur in the worst of all possible worlds? Mary/Ian, right? Mary and Ian doin’ it on the reg would be a sure sign that you were living in hell, wouldn’t it? That you were being tormented with this knowledge by a wrathful God, for your many sins?
Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/4/26
Ah, well, it appears that the scam twins, having been repeatedly stymied in their attempts to make something interesting happen in Glenwood, are going to leave town. At least they’ve learned something, though, right? Well, no. But they’ve made an impression on the locals, and maybe taught them a thing or two? Also no.
Crankshaft, 9/4/26
A sassy pizza robot with a built in laser: another thing that syndicated newspaper cartoonists think is AI, but isn’t. But this might end with Ed Crankshaft being killed, with the aforementioned laser, so I’m willing to see how it plays out.
Shoe, 9/4/26
Ha ha, comics sure have changed over the years! In the early days of this strip in the ’80s, the punchline here would be about the Perfesser watching girls in leotards on his TV and getting horny. But now it’s in 2026, and the punchline is about how he has crippling depression.
63 replies to “Bad news, generally”
Murky Tail:
“Meanwhile, Cricket Bro, remember that at this very moment, for all we know, blind white cave sharks could be swimming in narrowing circles around your nether extremities.”
“You’re watching the security feed that shows the great purple void we live in???!!! Why??!” “Artist had an early tee time.”
Wary Morth:
Do it! Go to Charterstone and scam Mary out of everything she’s got! You’ll be our heroes!
MW: Nelly Fenley seems like a dark chasm of negativity, but she certainly has Mary pegged as an old busybody, so I’ll give her that.
@Ukranazi Stepan: Sorry, that was supposed to be Wrecks Moregone.
Though, do I want to see the artist’s conception of leotard-clad aerobicizing bird-women?
“It’s okay, Skyler. It was this or Blue Bloods, anyway. Grab Uncle Cosmo another Steel Reserve, willya?”
GYD~ I’d rather have tulips on my organ instead of roses on my piano .
Shoe; The Perfesser’s transformation into Garfield has been so gradual that no one noticed.
Nelly furiously cannot use her eyebeams against Ian and Mary, as her powers are useless against the color mauve. How so many laughed at the purchase of a mauve car. Where’s your Easter Egg jokes now, losers!
CS: No worries, Ed. AI has a long way to go to be as incompetent as you.
Mary Worth:
“And to top it all off, they’re playing the Beatles’ ‘Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?’ on the car stereo!”
MT So far we have someone trapped in a cave = team member searching contacts for a Nature Expert to call instead of 911, then the Expert hares off all on his own to help without calling any emergency services for backup. Want to bet he didn’t even leave a “gone to Cave X to help someone, if not back for supper send help” note for Cherry? “The town relies on following Lassie back to rescue Timmy from a well for the Nth time” is a more reasonable rescue plan than this.
I’ll say this: leaving town and disappearing forever probably WOULD be the best way to find, and directly scam, Rex Morgan himself.
Rex Morgan:
“We have plenty of dough put away. So we don’t ‘knead‘ any more. So t o speak.”
Dick Tracy: Did they ever determine whether Wallhack dumped a “Wideload” during his surprise parricide?
Johnny Five was a dipshit robot with a laser, and he had to put up with all kinds of people shooting at him, and witnessing Ally Sheedy’s career wither. Pizza Robot is getting off easy, folks.
Shoe:
“What aerobics show is on, anyway? — let’s ask our creators! Hey, you two — what is it I’m watching?”
“We’re drawing a blank!”
“Busybody widow?” She says what we’re all thinking. How soon can we change Mary Worth to Negative Nelly?
Cranky — If Skynet results in the laser assassination of Ed Crankshaft then I for one welcome our new alien overlords.
RMMD: “I know you’ve lived most everywhere, from Zanzibar to Berkeley Square; but I’ve only seen the sights that I could see from Glenwood Heights!”
CS: Ah, so the laser-armed AI robots are the ones who who burned all the bookshops and later sold terrible books. It’s all coming together!
Also CS: A gang of sarky frenemies hanging out at a pizza restaurant, trading insults with a cute robot that’s sassy, violent and oh-so-random? Wow, Crankshaft evolved into a mid-2000s webcomic so slowly I didn’t even notice.
MW: I can’t believe anyone would stoop so low as to accuse Ian of having an affair with a widow. As we all know, he only has affairs with 20-year-old students.
RMMD: [Edward G. Robinson voice] M’yeah, we’re gonna blow town with the dough, see? That old man put us behind the eight ball, see? Wouldn’t want the coppers to put us in the Big House, see?
JP: [Star Wars muppet] IT’S A TRAP!!
Ph: A little bit more of this and Schmelon will just go back to his original plan: dropping several nukes on the whole friggin’ continent…
S4th: Oh Ted, what were you going to use the car for anyway? Going to the job you got fired from months ago for never showing up and never doing any actual work when you did?
Shoe-“Have you seen what those ladies wear? Get me a towel.”
Dennis the Menace-Dennis says implying that Mr. Wilson is a dropout.
RMMD-And the readers don’t want to read about you doing the Mirakle Method.
Mary Worth: Oh. My. GOD! “Three’s Company” comes to Charterstone! It would be too much to ask for “Peyton Place” and “Dynasty” is far beyond everyone in Santa Royale’s abilities, even on their best days.
@Schroduck: The last panel in today’s CS gave me an uncomfortable, annoyed feeling I couldn’t quite place, but “2000s webcomic” is exactly it. You hit the nail on the head.
BF: Maeve’s makeover for Susan occurs when they’re about 35. We know the end– twenty years later Susan is depressed, frustrated, seriously out of shape. Connection?
GA: Puppy Haystack is now smaller than the cat
JP: My gosh, leave Char with her mother soNed can work on screenplay? Ned should have been hought of this first. Oh, that’s right, she’s Ned.
MANDRAKE: Cant believe how useless Portia has been in this scenario. She said she only knows card tricks, but I think she has other powers up her sleeve.
TINAS G: The rut is comfortable. (Beware comfort)
REX MORGAN M.D.: And you couldn’t have done this before now because….?
REX MORGAN M.D. (2) Also, I guess the Mirakle Method hs entranced the townspeople so deeply that they made Lyle Ollman Supreme Overlord of Glenwood and the only way to escape his Svengali-like grip on your soul is to leave the city entirely.
MW: Ian and Toby have both had their “fling scare” moments, but surely even Toby will just laugh when she gets Nellie’s anonymous tip. Right? Right, guys?
CRANKSHAFT: There is no I in AI if Crankshaft leaves the restaurant un-vaporized.
RMMD: Seriously? No repentance? No turning over of new leaves? No atonement, contrition or reformation? No taking June Morgan on for a mentor? Friends, this is NOT the “Rex Morgan, MD” that I get out of bed for every day!
Pluggers: Really? They can’t tell if their pain is from a weather change, age, or a KIDNEY STONE? Kidney stones present as amongst the most pain a human can experience while still concsious. Women who’ve undergone natural childbirth without anesthetics say kidney stones are more painful than that. And stupid pluggers conflate that pain with weather twinges? Damn, they stooopit!
MW: What’s Moy planning here? I know one of Toby’s defining character traits is falling into catastrophizing spirals of anxiety, but she’s been around Charterstone long enough to know that the only thing Mary enjoys more than meddling is withholding emotional and physical intimacy from any man interested in her. Is Nelly just going to spread gossip? Is she going to report this to SCHOOL MANAGEMENT?
RMMD: Well, after weeks of Rene’s nieces discussing whether or not to pull a scam, we can now look forward to weeks of them discussing whether or not to skip town.
on Josh’s Mary Worth: “Mary and Ian doin’ it on the reg would be a sure sign that you were living in hell, wouldn’t it?” I hate to contradict you, Josh, but the sure sign you’re living in hell would be Mary Worth and Wilbur going at it like dogs on Nelly’s couch, the one without the plastic slipcovers. The gold velour one that’s not been Scotchgarded against mayonnaise stains.
MW: You’d think someone who dresses and decorates entirely in 50 shades of grey would be a little more sex positive.
MW /clapping hands/ “Biddy Battle! Biddy Batle! BIDDY BATTLE!”
GT: Gerads is still so traumatized by the student who beat him up that watching an aggressive football offense reduces him to cowering in terror behind his assistant coach. Ha…ha?
MW – with the current facts, even dimwitted Toby would laugh off any allegations. However, in the Moy-verse an unchaperoned unmarried woman in a car with a man is a damning social mistake. There will be consequences.
RMMD – there was a great episode of Homicide: Life on the Streets where a con freshly put of prison brings a friend and stalks Frank, looking to take revenge. In the whole episode, we only see Frank in the distance going about his daily life. But by the end, we have learned a lot about Frank and the kind of man he is, ending in a richer understanding of the character. We also get a great monologue from the friend that forces the con to rethink his need for revenge. It’s a wonderful piece of writing. The current Rex arc is entirely unrelated to this.
MARY WORTH: I’m sorry people, but Nelly sucks! She’s doing it all wrong! She’s supposed to be looking at Mary and Ian through binoculars while threatening to report them to school management.
MARY WORTH (2): To be fair to Nelly though, the ridiculous and utterly insane set-up of getting Mary and Ian in a car together does have all of the plot-contrivance of a cheap porno.
MARY WORTH (3): Interestingly enough, Nelly referred to Mary as a “widow.” This implies that she is unaware of Dr Jeff’s presence in Mary’s life. This puts the misunderstanding in a little more context, because if Nelly was aware of that relationship, she’d know full well that there is no way Mary is having sex. With anybody.
MW: I love Nelly. I hope the inevitable rumor she starts about Mary and Ian leads to ruin and suicide, like an elderly heteronormative The Children’s Hour.
RMMD: Finally, the twins do something semi-intelligent–taking their ill-earned gains and putting Glenwood in the rearview mirror as fast as possible. If they never looked back it would be completely intelligent, but I think we all know that they’re going to be the new recurring
villainnuisance in place of the imprisoned and possibly reformed-into-boring-nice-guy Rene.MW – Ian has unbuckled his seatbelt but still has his suit coat buttoned? Who does that in a car? Other than someone hoping that might shield prying eyes from seeing the hand job he’s hoping to get from Mary. Dr. Jeff is not the only delusional character in Santa Royale.
@Everything Is Better With Monkeys?.: Re: MW: Oh please! If history is our guide Toby will immediately have a neurotic existential crisis over this, and Mary and Ian will have to explain to the nitwit (slowly, using finger puppets if need be) that this is all a misunderstanding
MW – Nelly believes it’s scandalous for two people to sit side-by-side in a car. That’s why everyone should have a car like her little blue one there: only wide enough for one seat.
RMMD – Terry Beatty really doesn’t want to have think up any ideas about what the Mirakle Method might actually consist of.
Don Abundio, translated:
[Sign: GENTLEMEN’S CLUB]
“I hear that poor Lopez is suffering from recurring nightmares”
“It’s true”
“And no one can figure out why it keeps happening…”
“He dreams that he’s surrounded by giant bees!”
Crankshaft:
AI currently has an image problem, the result of a combination of the public not really understanding what data centers do and out-of-touch techbro CEOs high on their own supply loudly proclaiming how it will put everyone out of a job instead of taking the more realistic and palatable approach of marketing it as a powerful but currently limited productivity tool. But if AI were to kill Ed Crankshaft, I think people might start reassessing their opinions on the matter.
Crankshaft – “Besides, I don’t know how everything is here. I guess it started with the Big Bang?”
Dustin: Oh, suddenly we have standards….
GT: Coach Permawave is clearly traumatized from having been attacked by a student, and doubtless the toxic attitudes about masculinity which pervade society and especially sports culture have prevented him from seeking the help he needs for fear of seeming weak. But he’s also the nemesis of White Male Protagonist Gil Thorp, so it’s okay to laugh at him, I guess?
HotC: Look, Steenz, it’s okay if you don’t want to do an accurate recreation of the Hadestown poster especially if you’re on a deadline, but could you at least get the color scheme right? Or put an extra star on the poster so it doesn’t look like they’re proudly touting an average review?
JP: “Why do you have a suitcase in your back seat and two plane tickets to Jamaica in your hand?”
“Oh, no particular reason, now can I take Charlotte on a little drive to, ah, the ice cream parlor?”
Pluggers are in agony every second of every day.
@Peanut Gallery: It consists of picturing a swing set on the moon. That’s the whole thing.
@Schroduck: @Austria: Eh, needs more people with cat ears to be a webcomic.
Shoe:
Some unsolicited advice for cartoonists: if you don’t feel like drawing something on a screen in your comic strip, maybe don’t let us get a good look at said screen.
CRANKSHAFT: Ugh! This remake of Chopping Mall sucks! The only saving grace is panel #3 suggests it’s still not too late for the robot to go all “Suzee Slater” on Crankshaft’s head.
Mary Worth: Today on “Going To Have A Stroke Theatre”: Nelly Feneley’s apartment faces the parking lot. Oh, and she’s going to stroke out any minute now.
Shoe: Cosmo has crippling depression and not enough money to replace his old CRT television.
I want Nelly Feneley, which is definitely a real name that a human being would have, to become Wilbur’s next love interest. You don’t understand how badly I need this, you guys; it would be a matchup for the ages. With her pearl-clutching nosiness and his self-righteous scolding, their romance would see them Timecop into each other and wink out of existence, thus leaving the rest of Charterstone to laugh in their cars without judgment.
A local restaurant uses quasi-robots to transport food to tables. You know how washers and dryers have a little electronic song when the cycle finishes? The one used by the restaurant devices sounds like the first notes of Metallica’s “Fade to Black.”
Rex Morgan, M.D.:
One of the twins claims that they have “plenty of dough put away”, but given that the only scam we’ve actually seen them run has been pretending to busk while playing prerecorded music and that they immediately used the proceeds to go to a nice restaurant, I think they’re overestimating how far their slush fund of $10.48 will go.
MW: Can we get some flashbacks to Nelly’s other recent thoughts about the Charterstone cesspit?
“Oh! That meddling widow and the young drug addict are working on a garden together!”
“Now the young drug addict and the trampy college girl are running into the woods together!”
(and from further back)
“That college professor’s young wife and the meddling old woman are talking to the rich widower — and he’s showing them pictures on his phone!”
“The busybody old widow has had a teenage girl staying with her for weeks! In a one-bedroom unit!”
“That busybody widow…” Whatever else Nelly has going on, she sure has Mary pegged. Except for whatever sexual exploits she’s imagining. Our meddling matriarch doesn’t even touch her own blue-balled boyfriend, lady.
***
The twins need to read the comics. It’s not going to get better anywhere else. You going to leave for Santa Royale? Funkyville? The ghost town with the dilapidated ruins of Apartment 3-G? No. Stay where you are, get jobs at a motel diner, and drink your way to an early grave. It’s your only escape.
***
One thing that doesn’t get talked about in the Star Wars universe is that even the “good” people own sentient robots who are programmed with emotions and built to be able to experience physical pain. If these means that Crankshaft is going to try to get interesting and give us people fighting with laser swords, may the force be with them.
Rex Morgan, MD: So… the twins are going off-screen to make empty promises about doing something interesting in future storylines?
*Consults clipboard, nods, jots down notes*
Carry on.
MW – So this Nelly person is Sex Negative too, huh!
RMMD: Community college again? Yuck! What was the name of that empty headed Blonde who ruined every class?
(Yes, I basically already did this joke, but I think I can do it better.)
Shoe:
We’ve seen plenty of strips where the Perfesser is slumped over in his armchair watching TV while he waits for death to finally take him, but usually the viewpoint is such that we can’t see the screen. Today the artist attempted to mix things up a bit before realizing they would now have to draw an aerobics scene on the screen. That seemed like a lot of work, so instead they reached for the best low-effort alternative depiction of aerobics, a nice pink gradient(?).
MW-Oooh! She’s going to report Ian to School Management.
MW: Folks, I’m sorry to say – our attempts to reconcile with The Ladies are not going well. We had hoped that Nelly’s aversion to Pets would be the linchpin for her redemption as a beloved resident of Charterstone. Not to mention getting our clients back into action!
But unfortunately, Nelly has many other dislikes and character flaws, and The Ladies are going with the Malicious Gossip angle. We shoulda realized when we saw our floral offering to them in the dumpster behind their studio. And we learned that the “Bark Bark” heard earlier this week was a recording!! Not even from one of our clients!
But hope springs eternal – nothing wrong with Nelly that a good Pet wouldn’t fix…