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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/21/15

As Chief Information Security Officer for the Holler, Loweezy routinely runs white-hat penetration tests like this one on its HootinNet® communications infrastructure. She also makes sure everyone’s properly encryptin’ everthin’, and continues her longstanding Denial of Service attack against Snuffy — the disastrous “Tater Breach” still fresh in her mind. We shall not speak of honeypots, or backdoor exploits.

Crankshaft, 4/21/15

We interrupt our “failed sad-sack theater owner runs for mayor” story for the latest skirmish in Ed’s long war on his persistent and capricious nasal blackheads (8 today!). Pam did her best, but apparently the belt sander was no match. I’d go with a 50-grit, but she’s the one who has to clean up.

“Sideophex” (dialone unmorndibab) is doubtless one of those new immunosuppressants you see all over the teevee, where celebrities or big “real-world models” stride confidently about while a honey-voiced announcer purrs, “Listen up, people – this suppresses your immune system, and you really, really don’t want your immune system suppressed. I mean, unless you want to die from one of those diseases you thought antibiotics killed off a century ago. Seriously folks, you are flirting with an iron lung here, do not take these pills. Oh, hi Ed. Three a day, after meals. First pack’s free; I’m thinking you won’t need a second. Don’t operate machinery for a while, m’kay? We’ve got plenty of machinery lined up for you later.”

B.C., 4/21/15

Wow, this one’s really hard to unpack. In case you don’t follow controversies in evolutionary theory or this strip, here’s some background:

• Many Bible-based theories of life’s origins hold that humans and dinosaurs must have coexisted
• The brontosaurus, long thought to be a paleontologist’s error, is back in the game
• Ken Ham is the founder and author of Answers in Genesis, a Christian apologetics ministry and book
• Under Johnny Hart, B.C. often covered Christian themes and sometimes explicitly proselytized.

OK, so WTF? Ken Ham presumably wouldn’t care about the brontosaurus/apatosaurus controversy, but why would he “eat (his) heart out” at evidence that dinosaurs and humans coexisted? Maybe Peter thinks Ham will be jealous that it’s some caveman who coexists with dinosaurs, and not Ham himself? Maybe it’s just clumsy phrasing, and the intent was something like, “Here’s one for you, Ken Ham”? Or maybe the new author is less committed to a religious point of view than to B.C.’s fundamental principle, incoherence? Anyway, I’m surprised that an outfit called “The Creator’s Syndicate” doesn’t take a dim view of the whole thing, and you do not want to mess with those guys.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 4/15/15

Nice to see that the “Adam is a stalker who just straight-up moved into his ex’s apartment complex without telling her to woo her back” aspect of this storyline hasn’t been dropped! Adam has room for only one creepy, all-consuming emotional attachment in his life at a time, people. Now that he’s physically incapable of foiling the many, many assassination attempts against Congressman McDugal, all that energy will be directed at loving Terry with a laser-focused, un-asked-for intensity that makes all other loves look like a pile of hot garbage by comparison. BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE LOVING, TERRY.

Phantom, 4/15/15

So it looks like the Phantom’s long bout of amnesia is finally going to be cured by … hearing a bunch of people say “walker”? As in “Ghost-Who-Walks?” This just makes Bangalla’s outdated state-run television service’s failure to acquire rights to AMC’s hit show The Walking Dead all the more tragic.

Beetle Bailey, 4/15/15

Not one crude drawing of a woman must be allowed to remain unsexualized! Not on Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industry LLC’s watch!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/15/15

Surely Cuzzin Irvin is aware that he (or at least his cuzzin) lives in an enclave of violent anti-government extremists? This is like one of those tragic stories where someone who happens to like wearing blue bandanas wanders into the wrong gang’s territory.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/15/15

“And none of us ever saw him again.”

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Apartment 3-G, 3/30/15

I’m reasonably sure that we haven’t met Carla before, but I assume from context that this latest Apartment 3-G character who looks kind of like, but is not, Lu Ann is Margo’s assistant? Anyway, the hand that Carla is gently resting on Margo’s collarbone rekindles prospects of Margo/Margo’s assistant sexytimes for all of us who finally gave up on the Sargo pairing. “You don’t have to demean me … but you could, if you wanted to as part of consensual dom/sub workplace roleplay.” Either that or Carla’s about to strangle her, one of the two.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/30/15

Speaking of workplace dominance, I am getting more excited about Nurse Carter’s apocalyptic arrival on the Morgan clinic scene by the day. “Yeah, I spent years in the DESERT getting HUMAN BLOOD all over me when I was UP TO MY ELBOWS in the GUTS of young people who got BLOWN UP for your FREEDOM to not use a FUCKING NAPKIN when you eat a SANDWICH, so we’re cool, don’t worry about it.”

Archie, 3/30/15

Man, Jughead sure looks awfully smug in that final panel. “Haha, this sure is a savage zinger that I didn’t even dare speak aloud, even though I’m miles away from the school cafeteria and its staff. I’m dying, bit by bit!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/15

Hey, are you vaguely aware of bitcoin, the distributed cryptocurrency that very few people care about but the ones who do care about it care about it a lot and won’t shut up about it? Were you wondering when it would stop being a thing? Well, good news, it’s a punchline in Snuffy Smith, so I’m pretty sure it’s officially not a thing anymore.

Crankshaft, 3/30/15

In today’s Crankshaft, Crankshaft’s saddest friend has a flat tire! That’s … the joke?