Post Content

Momma, 5/28/10

Reading Momma is always a harrowing experience, but rarely does the strip get into Funky Winkerbean territory and actively discuss, say, suicide. Not content to have Momma simply make awkward conversation with the widow of a man who just killed himself, today’s strip takes us on journey ever deeper into sorrow. At first we are lead to believe that Sadie’s husband killed himself because his failing body left him in constant agony; but then, as Sadie gives Momma an icy glare, we realize the truth: that he took his life because of the failure of her marriage, and that she frankly believes that this was the only reasonably reaction on his part. Fun!

Hagar the Horrible, 5/28/10

Of course, it’s leagues more sophisticated than Hagar the Horrible, which features a dog who really, really has to go to the bathroom. Don’t “relax” your bowels, Snert!

Crankshaft, 5/28/10

A question for northeast Ohioans: in your local dialect, does “wuss” rhyme with “bus”? Follow-up question: Do you smile cheerfully in the wake of repeated assaults on your property, believing them to be the inevitable punishment of a sadistic creator?

Post Content

Momma, 5/7/10

I keep trying to fit this strip into a shape that isn’t horrible, but this is all that I can come up with:

• After running out of socks, Francis also ran out of toilet paper.
• Francis uses socks as toilet paper.
• Francis is going to masturbate in Thomas’s bathroom, using one of Thomas’s socks to clean up with.

Oh God, oh God, I need to stop there unless I…

• Francis has already masturbated into Thomas’s laundry hamper, and now needs to use the bathroom, for unrelated reasons.

ARGH ARGH ARGH MUST MOVE ON

Crankshaft, 5/7/10

Crankshaft is of course a terrible, hateful character, but I do sort of respect his refusal to cower in the face of the obvious cruelty and misanthropy of his creator. Crankshaft’s friend there is glum and resigned in the face of the specter of death; Crankshaft sneeringly demands to know the day and time of destruction, so that he may laugh at it all the more. Until then, he will live every day as if it were his last, making everyone around him as miserable as possible.

Post Content

Mary Worth, 4/14/10

Oh ho, compulsive shopping, everybody! That’s what this Mary Worth storyline is about! Compulsive shopping at comically misspelled stores like “Maisie’s” (which is totally not at all related to Macy★s Department Stores, a brand that would never encourage its customers to spend beyond their means, ha ha, please don’t sue us). When all is said and done here, Mary might look back on this shopping expedition with a bit of guilt, but probably won’t because she lacks self-awareness of any kind.

By the way, Bonnie, I recommend that you take Mary up on her offer and formulate your own ideas on how she can help you break out of your terrible shopoholism. Any treatment plan she designs on her own will involve gathering her friends to berate and insult you until you kill yourself out of shame.

Apartment 3-G, 4/14/10

Sad as I am that this plotline will apparently end without a single shot being fired, I do sort of like the casual way Martin has taken advantage of Bobbie’s distraction to disarm her, almost as if this is a scenario that played out dozens of times during their marriage. In fact, it would be extra hilarious if he went upstairs and informed Gabriella that he and his wife had rediscovered the spark in their relationship and that his proposal to her was hereby retracted.

Margo, meanwhile, has presumably dozed off on the floor, just as she did as a kid when Roberta would get all pill-happy and gun-crazy. Doesn’t hanging out with our parents always bring us back to our childhood behaviors?

Mark Trail, 4/14/10

So not only has former blond Adonis Buzz Miller been turned prematurely white-haired, but now Senator Pimphand, who once sported a dignified grey mane that belied his propensity for violence, has now subsequently rediscovered the russet locks of his youth! I think that we may be onto something very big here: Senator Slaps-a-Lot is actually stealing the life-energy of his constituents, like poor Ranger Miller. This vampiristic misdeed will make Senator Other Senator’s little Endangered Species Steakhouse operation look like small potatoes.

Crankshaft, 4/14/10

I have no idea what Jeff’s terrible lopsided facial expression in the final panel is supposed to denote. I’m guessing it’s “Oh my God, I am physically incapable of not making terrible unfunny puns, please, somebody stop me, I hate myself so much,” but it may also be “I am so high on prescription drugs — which were, uh, ‘in the water supply’ — that I cannot feel my face.”

Pluggers, 4/14/10

Deep down, pluggers know that they cannot replace their long-lost intimate life with their spouses with eating, endless eating, but that won’t stop them from trying.