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Funky Winkerbean, 8/1/20

So earlier this week in Funky Winkerbean, a bunch of characters we’ve never seen before were playing golf, which I did not comment on because (a) golf, snooze and (b) how can I hate these people I barely know and what’s the point of discussing Funky Winkerbean anymore if isn’t about how much I hate someone in the strip? But anyway there was a panel where someone hit a ball from the rough and caused a few sparks, then we cut away for some Starbuck Jones film talk (SNOOZE) and now … there’s a fire? A big fire. It’s gonna burn everything. All of Hollywood? Will both the new Starbucks Jones movie and Lisa’s Story be delayed, or cancelled, by the conflagration? You have my attention, cleansing flame. You have my attention.

Crock, 8/1/20

Huh, we all thought that Crock took place during the French colonial occupation of Algeria, but maybe it’s … actually in Iraq in the early ’00s? Sad that the conflict has so isolated Grossie and Maggot from the outside world that their only source of news is a bunch of 8 by 11 sheets of paper tacked up on a wall somewhere.

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Mary Worth, 7/7/20

Oh wow, it turns out that Madi might have been acting out because she lost her mother (some indeterminate time ago) and her grandmother (recently, to whom she was close), and then her father dropped her off at a total stranger’s house before immediately peacing out to Venezuela, WHO COULD’VE POSSIBLY PREDICTED. Fortunately her predilection to feel warmly towards old ladies will result in her imprinting on Mary like a baby duck!

Mark Trail, 7/7/20

“Settle down, Rusty — Cartwright may be your favorite action hero, but he’s just a person! Someday the technology will exist to completely replace human actors with some combination of CGI and mechanical humanoids, so we’ll be able to enjoy seeing Al Pacino and Joe Pesci play gangsters long after they’re dead. But until then, Cartwright’s just another dumb bag of meat, like you or me.”

Gil Thorp, 7/7/20

Hey, remember the beardo literature teacher who spotted Mike “The Mayor”‘s harmless butter knife and had him expelled from school, which resulted in Mike losing his athletic scholarship and probably seriously derailed his life? Well, he dropped a couple coolers of off-brand soda off at the feel-good snobs vs. slobs game, so, uh, probably they’re even now, right?

Funky Winkerbean, 7/7/20

ALERT ALERT LISA’S STORY PRODUCTION HAS NOW BEGUN THEY’RE REALLY DOING THIS THEY’RE REALLY SPENDING THE MONEY THIS IS NOT A DRILL REPEAT NOT A DRILL THREAT LEVEL ALPHA

Crock, 7/7/20

Oh, you ladies think you’re so cool because you got an all-female Ghostbusters reboot, huh? Well, wait till you see my reboot of Jane Campion’s The Piano … but with guys.

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Gil Thorp, 5/6/20

Finally, the engine of this baseball season plot has been revealed: Mike “The Mayor”‘s wacky on-the-go-meal lifestyle has fallen afoul of Milford High’s dumb zero-tolerance-on-“weapons” policy. The hard lesson: kids either need to get up early enough to enjoy a leisurely balanced breakfast at home, or only eat nutrient-units small enough to hold in one hand and soft enough that they don’t need to be cut or, ideally, chewed.

Arctic Circle, 5/6/20

The funny pages are reacting to the worldwide coronavirus pandemic in all sorts of crazy ways, but I definitely did not see “jokes about penguin Zoom sex” coming.

Crock, 5/6/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because … Captain Preppie wants the men under his command to be outfitted with uniforms well suited for the climate?

Funky Winkerbean, 5/6/20

Yes, panel three, right there: this is exactly the amount of revulsion and contempt you should feel when Les Moore leans towards you and attempt to make physical contact.

Marvin, 5/6/20

Toddlers who are too young to be potty trained speaking in complete sentences and being capable of adult-level cognition: totally normal, not even worth remarking on

Newborn infants capable of same: OH MY GOD SO WACKY A SUREFIRE PUNCHLINE BABY