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Crankshaft, 7/8/22

Look, obviously this blog is about 15% by volume me slamming on Funkyverse strips, so I’m just going to get ahead of things here and say that today’s strip is very, very funny, and the time-reverse gimmick is a good one that makes it funnier. Was it worthwhile spending 35 years writing the comic strip Crankshaft in such a way that we all hate him enough to get a genuine belly laugh watching him flee in terror from angry bees? Probably not, but in this moment, I appreciate it.

Blondie, 7/8/22

It’s extremely not new to remark on how much modern filmmaking is dominated by superhero franchises, but that doesn’t mean the syndicated newspaper comic strip Blondie can’t bring anything new to the table. In this case, it’s “late-middle-aged-and-older dudes find superheroes sexually threatening,” which I have to admit is new to me at least.

Dick Tracy, 7/8/22

Oh, right, I had forgotten that the Moon People in Dick Tracy had to leave the Moon for some reason and relocate to an undisclosed location (that turns out to be Antarctica) and Dick pretended to care about his family so he could sniff out the answer to this puzzle, because he’s the world’s greatest detective and also an asshole. I was going to do a joke about him conquering Moon Valley, but he’s a cop, annexing territory isn’t really his bag. I guess he could arrest everyone for violating the Antarctic Treaty System, but enforcing international law isn’t really his bag either.

Family Circus, 7/8/22

Gotta respect the thought process here, which was apparently, “Sure, we establish in dialogue that he’s still drinking his soda, but comics are a visual medium, we need to show that with a big disgusting blob of spit coming out of his mouth. Those grandmas who cut the panel out to hang on their fridge might not like it, but this one’s just for me.”

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Mary Worth, 7/4/22

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! Did you bake a cake for America’s birthday, like Mary did? No? Well, I guess you don’t love America enough, do you? (This sentiment still stands if Mary bought a sheet cake for America’s birthday at the supermarket, which at second glance she probably did. It’s the thought that counts!)

Dick Tracy, 7/4/22

For America’s birthday, Dick Tracy is reminding us that only AMERICA has sent manned spacecraft to the moon, where they discovered that the moon was inhabited by Moon People, one of whom, in this classic storyline, eloped with his son and Dick chased them there and then he did the extremely American thing where he’s shocked, shocked to learn that other countries (or planets) also have immigration laws and they apply to Americans. If I were in prison on the moon, I personally would want it to be an electric prison, because I’m pretty sure you need electricity to generate the oxygen I need to live, but that’s just me.

Pluggers, 7/4/22

Sorry to get political on here on the Fourth of July, everybody! Don’t get too mad at me! Reed Hoover also got political by claiming that hip-hop, an American-born art form that is one of the U.S.’s most popular cultural exports, isn’t welcome at a plugger’s Independence Day celebration. You can get mad at him all you want, but sadly it won’t do you any good.

Beetle Bailey, 7/4/22

Beetle Bailey is here to remind us that like any ideology, patriotism and nationalism are shaped by material conditions. When urging the U.S. to ease starvation in post-WWII Germany, General Lucius Clay, head of the occupying forces, famously said, “There is no choice between being a communist on 1,500 calories a day and a believer in democracy on a thousand.” The quantities here have shifted somewhat, but the point stands.

The Lockhorns, 7/4/22

The Lockhorns, meanwhile, invert the classic aphorism and make the political personal, every day. There’s no room for ideology in Leroy and Loretta’s world: everything gets crushed into interpersonal misery by the intense gravitational field of their mutual loathing.

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Dustin, 6/19/22

Earlier this year, my faithful readers were treated to what I assume was an enlightening etymological journey in which they learned that the phrase “the bucket list,” far from being some longstanding cliche in the English language, was actually dreamed up by the screenwriter for the 2007 film of the same name. It’s therefore interesting to note that despite the phrase’s recency, many people who use it seem to forget that the “bucket” part comes from “kicking the bucket,” and treat it as a generic “list of things you want to do someday,” rather than what it actually is supposed to be, which is a specific “list of things you want to do before you die, an event which you suspect might occur sooner rather than later.” Anyway, my point is that the Dustin creative team seems to fall into this category, and also the category of people who think it’s hilarious if an item on someone’s “bucket list” involves an actual bucket, or a thing like a basketball hoop that’s close enough. Either that or Dustin’s eight-year-old friend is actually dying, in a storyline that I guarantee will jerk exactly zero tears since nobody is emotionally involved in the comic strip Dustin or any of its characters, but it would explain why this kid seems to think he needs to do a slam dunk now rather than just waiting to get taller.

Mary Worth, 6/19/22

Imagine if you had been subject to abuse from your intimate partner so violent that it landed you in the hospital, where you spent the night being cared for by a sensitive physician’s assistant, and the next day, as you’re leaving, you screw up your courage and ask him out on a date. If you discovered at that point that he had a girlfriend, it would — and I am not exaggerating here — be one of the best things that could’ve happened to you in that scenario. Girl, you need some time on your own and this guy has weird control issues, do not answer the phone when he inevitably calls you!!!

Dick Tracy, 6/19/22

Oh, huh, looks like Dick’s plan to sleuth out Mr. Memory’s location has been short circuited by the fact that Mr. Memory is enjoying a pleasant dinner with the Plentys, Dick’s son’s parents-in-law. Mostly I’m posting this on the off chance that Dick is about to have his face gouged off by an owl and I didn’t want you to miss it.