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Mark Trail, 3/9/20

Oh, wow, it seems these troubled children are turning on each other! They overheard Kevin admitting he didn’t have a dad and are immediately unleashing the most vicious attack a teen thug can think of: “Hey, look, fellas! A homeless kid!” Fortunately Geoff is there to set everyone straight with some tough talk, or maybe he’s just going to “level the playing field” by revealing all the socially debilitating secrets that ended with these delinquents on this hike instead of doing something fun and cool literally anywhere else. Anyway, how do you feel about the fact that you can apparently see down Geoff’s throat in the final panel? Feel kind of uncomfortable? I sure do!

Mary Worth, 3/9/20

It’s true, change is inevitable, as it’s been said! But in this case, maybe it’s … not? Like maybe Mary could ask for her preferred volunteer shift instead of just meekly acquiescing to the change? What’re they gonna do if she insists, fire her?

Between Friends, 3/9/20

Oh no! The COVID-19 virus has finally reached the funny pages! Can Between Friends be isolated before the rest of our beloved characters are infected? Fortunately the strip is set in Canada, so only the zombie For Better Or For Worse crew is in immediate danger.

Family Circus, 3/9/20

Daddy was “unavoidably detained on an out-of-town trip,” and based on the whispered conversations of adults on the subject Billy has come up with some wild ideas of what’s going on exactly, involving aliens and, I assume, rectal probes.

Pluggers, 3/9/20

PLUGGERS ARE SUNDOWNING

THEY SAID IT

THE SYNDICATED NEWSPAPER PANEL PLUGGERS SAID THIS ABOUT PLUGGERS, NOT ME, I’M JUST REPORTING IT

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Blondie, 3/6/20

This strip is, in its own way, heartbreaking to me. When Dagwood hears about this fellow’s food-themed brood of nephews and nieces, he doesn’t think, “Wow, my co-worker’s brother sounds like a kindred spirit! Maybe I should reach out to this guy on Facebook, and we could be friends, connected by our common interest in — nay, obsession with –food!” But no, all Dagwood does is imagine ways that he could imitate or rival this man, apparently forgetting that he’s already named his daughter “Cookie.” Anyway, his neglect of human connection explains why his ostensible “best friend” is some guy who happens to live next door, whose relationship with Dagwood is mostly defined by the two of them refusing to return tools they’ve borrowed from one another and who was last seen trying to kill Dagwood with his car.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/20

Ha ha, can you imagine dong a whole week of non-jokes where the “joke” is that you keep putting off the actual joke, which, when it arrives, is almost guaranteed to not be funny? I guess the reason for having the janitor in the foreground in every strip is to emphasize that this is all straight-up garbage.

Family Circus, 3/6/20

OUTDATED THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: Why does a loving God let bad things happen to good people?

MODERN, UP-TO-DATE THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: When Jesus told us to love our neighbors, did he not know that our neighbors fuckin’ suck?

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/5/20

Well, it seems that Tildy has consented to meet up with her cheating ex-husband, and having assessed his financial health, she’s now giving his physical fitness a once-over as well. Is there anything more arousing you can hear from a former lover than a grudgingly approving assessment of your “ol’ bod”? Anyway, these two should be all over each other momentarily, which is good news for freeing up Rex and June’s spare bedroom in the long run if not for the next half hour or so, and isn’t that what’s really important here?

Mary Worth, 3/5/20

“Naked yoga!” says Dawn. “I didn’t even know that was a thing! Sounds, uh, embarrassing, and corny, and definitely not intriguing at all,” she continues, eyes as wide as dinner plates, trying hard to figure how much time she needs to let elapse before she can politely excuse herself and text her former professor/”just friend” Harlan with a cool new idea for their next private yoga session.

Family Circus, 3/5/20

Holy shit Billy why on earth would you say this