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Hey, everybody! I’m back from sunny Tucson (where I met up with Bob Weber, Jr. and a DELIGHTFUL group of readers — pics coming in a bit). I must give props to Uncle Lumpy for his fine filling in, and a huge thanks to everyone who gave money during the pledge drive — you’ll all be receiving individual thank-yous over the next day or two. After catching up on the most crucial storylines (Mary Worth flashback? OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST WET MYSELF) I confronted today’s comics and found nothing but sleaze and personal degradation.

For Better For Worse, 3/10/08

There’s an entire Women’s Studies thesis waiting to be written about the Foobs today. Elizabeth’s abject terror and panic that Anthony will think she’s a two-timing ne’er-do-well would be hilarious if it weren’t so pathetic and queasy-making. The fact that Anthony isn’t being a total douche for once (“Gosh, sorry you’re terrified about being caught alone with a man after sundown … I didn’t realize that this phone could call the 19th century”) just makes it ickier. Presumably Liz will agree to Anthony’s inevitable proposal to “make it up for him,” setting a firm foundation for a future life of quiet desperation and self-loathing.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/10/08

Niki, of course, isn’t a literal whore; no, he’s an ethics whore! You have to admit that there’s something pretty skewed about the moral hoops the strip made him jump through to get his sweet payoff, which, if you haven’t been following, went something like this:

BANK ROBBER: Hey, kid, even though you’re cute and ludicrously clean-cut, I can tell you’re from the streets, like me. Here, take some stolen cash!
NIKI: No way, Mister! Rex Morgan is keeping me on the straight and narrow! [Surreptitiously takes cash anyway. Later…]
NIKI: Rex, I … took some of that stolen cash! I know it was wrong!
REX: It sure was, Niki! Lucky for us, we’re about the freeze to death and can burn it for heat!
SHERIFF: Son, you sure did a great thing by helping catch that bank robber! Here’s some reward money!
NIKI: Sorry, sheriff, I’m wracked with guilt over the stolen cash I stole and then burned! I can’t accept the reward!
ANONYMOUS DONOR: Son, you sure did a great thing by turning down that reward money! Here’s some reward money! Plus a college fund, which is more virtuous than cash, since you’ll just spend the cash on hoodies and hair care products!
NIKI: Wait, Rex, even though it was wrong for me to accept the reward money, is it right for me to accept this meta-reward money?
REX: Who the hell knows? I’ve been drunk for hours!

Panel from Mark Trail, 3/8/08

Yes, Cherry, we know how you like to keep Mark at home! And we’re sure he won’t be going anywhere for … you know, a while …

Mark Trail, 3/10/08

Ha ha, Cherry! Now that Mark has finished up his thrice-annual marital intimacy with you (on a rock, as is his wont), he’s going to head out to “present an award for the magazine,” if you know what I mean! No, wait, this is Mark Trail we’re talking about, I’m sure that just means he’s actually going to present an award for the magazine — presumably getting a plaque from a raven-haired, all-tan-clad outdoorsman is the equivalent to getting a Pulitzer in nature journalism. Anyway, Cherry, you look to be getting along fine with Andy in panel two; you don’t need Mark at all!

Marmaduke, 3/10/08

And speaking of getting along fine with our four-legged friends … wait, you know what? I don’t think I can handle this on my first day back. I think it might be the kind of thing you have to build up to.

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Hey, March is Women’s History Month — a great time to celebrate the many contributions to the funny pages by woman cartoonists.

Brenda Starr, 3/2/08

Dalia Messick called herself “Dale” to break into a male-dominated field and become the first woman syndicated cartoonist in 1940. With a lead character based on Rita Hayworth, the strip mixes workplace drama, romance, and adventure. Now written by Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich*, Brenda Starr covers ripped-from-the-headlines themes like drugs, blogging, out-of-control heiresses, and an evil guy named Josh who, I’m told, takes lots of vacations. The plots move along pretty quickly, and feature occasional cameo appearances by actual celebrities. Brenda Starr broke a lot of ground for comics by and about women, and is still worth a look.

* Fun fact: remember the urban legend about Kurt Vonnegut’s “wear sunscreen” commencement address? That “address” was actually a column, and later a book, by Schmich.

Mary Worth, 3/9/08

When a woman takes over an established strip like Mary Worth, it can take her a while to make it her own. Since the death of John Saunders in 2003, Karen Moy has been taking small steps away from the strip’s time-honored “Ms. Fixit” model, showing us episodes in which Mary’s advice doesn’t work out, competition for her status as Charterstone’s premier advice-giver, and tantalizing (well, within limits) glimpses of her personal life. Here comes a flashback — maybe somebody once told her to floss regularly, and it turned out to be good advice. But hey, in Mary Worth, that’s not only good dental hygiene, it’s a great leap forward. You go, Karen Moy!

For Better or For Worse, 8/13/07, and 3/9/08 (excerpt)

Of course, “women’s themes” are still well represented by these artists. Here we see the simple domestic rituals of meal preparation passed from one generation to the next — shadowed by the grim realities of eating disorders and obesity.

Hey, Josh is back, and Monday will be chock full of Joshy goodness like Comments of the Week, new comics, and a recap of the Tucson meetup. Meantime, thanks for a great week, and your generosity during the Pledge Drive — see you in the comments!

– Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 3/6/08

Self-Satisfaction Week continues at the Charterstone Compound. “Wrong advice? Ha ha my dear, I’ll have you know I’m well-intentioned! And as someone once told me, “The road to . . . er . . . a happy outcome is paved with good intentions!”

Mark Trail, 3/6/08

Poor Johnny Malotte has had to endure a lot of exposition this week — yesterday from Mark; today from Sergeant Mountie McQueen. Fortunately none of it reaches him, aloft on his jimson-weed pinnacle of bliss: “Eez zat zo? Come, mon ami, ‘ave a word eenstaid weeth M’seiur Marc — I must return, return now to Eextlan! Oooh, look down zair — eet ees ma fran’ M’sieur ‘Awk! ‘Allo, M’sieur ‘Awk!”

For Better or For Worse, 3/6/08

OK, anybody would have to be blind not to see how this will work out. Nicely played, Warren, but wasted on Anthony — what’s left to crush?

– Uncle Lumpy