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Mark Trail, 11/20/12

Mark’s remarkably non-traumatizing kidnap idyl is still continuing apace, as the good people of Not Guerilla Island prepare to make a scurmptious feast from the fish Mark and Pop caught, and … say, what’s the story with that little guy in the white shirt in the second panel?

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT’S GOING ON WITH HIS TONGUE? It’s not … human. Sure, you could try to claim that it’s just a weird little semi-circle crudely drawn onto a pre-existing clip art face, but I think the safe bet is that this child is an alien lizard-man wearing a meat-sack disguise, just like everyone else on the island, and once they get enough ransom money to repair their spacecraft, they’ll swarm all over Mark and Andy, their razor-sharp teeth tearing away all their flesh in minutes, leaving bleached skeletons behind.

Hi and Lois, 11/20/12

I’m not sure how we’re supposed to parse the politics here — are we intended to be patriotically enraged by cheap Chinese labor, or are the industrious low-wage workers of Shenzhen’s factories supposed to compare favorably to the smug American repairman? I do know that this is a strip that has never exactly focused on little visual details, which makes the lovingly rendered stitching on the repairman’s visible underpants all the more unsettling.

Heathcliff, 11/20/12

I’m certainly not opposed to Heathcliff being called to account for his many crimes in a court of law, but I do have some questions about the fish that the guy next to him is holding. Specifically: what’s the deal with the fish? Is it evidence in one of the many cases about to be tried simultaneously? Is it bait? Was Heathcliff, the master criminal, lured into the Man’s courtroom by some guy waving a delicious, pungent dead fish around? Because that would be kind of disappointing.

Gasoline Alley, 11/20/12

Here are some characters in Gasoline Alley! I guess you’re supposed to like them, even though their black, beady, inhuman eyes are the stuff of your most terrifying nightmares.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/17/12

Remember back when some guy tried to hire June as a stripper and she turned him down? Well, times have changed and she’s up for anything now! A year and a half with Rex will do that to anybody, and I’m specifically including grandmothers and cloistered nuns.

Archie, 11/17/12

Archie is a self-righteous hypocrite who falsely believes himself human.

Hey, this is the second time this month comic strip characters have called themselves “we humans.” Are they growing aware of — and resenting — their fate as two-dimensional objects of mockery on the back pages of a dying medium? ARE THEY RISING UP IN RAGE? If so, hanging around this blog might not be the best idea right now, fair warning.

Apartment 3-G, 11/17/12

O MY GOD NOBODY TELL MARGO ABOUT THE REBELLION, OKAY?

Even as Evan poaches her clients for his Aunt Cathy’s agency, Margo prefers his dreamy neckrubs and obsequious flattery to Greg’s brutal honesty and unconscionable Lu Ann-noticing. But how the hell does she narrow her eyes like that? Maybe her skull is hinged like a snake’s, realigning at her will to transfix or engulf her prey? Brrr ….

Mark Trail, 11/17/12

Mark will go fishing with anybody but Rusty. And he sincerely believes somebody orbited a “Find Mark Trail” satellite like he’s Waldo or something. But despite long years of experience, he can’t tell who are the good guys and who are the bad. Here, Mark — let me help, and maybe you will put in a good word for me on that day of wrath?

Psst, Mark … it’s the facial hair. You’ll figure it out eventually — you always do, big fella.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 11/13/12

The Revenge of the Men for Margo’s many unspeakable crimes is here revealed as a one-two punch. Even as Evan the Earnest Mole conspires with his Aunt Cathy to bankrupt Margo’s publicity agency, Greg the Arrogant Actor plans to fatten her up on that mountain of generic Thai food. Soon, Margo will have no economic incentive to leave her apartment, and will be too wide to do so anyway — making the world a safer place for interchangeable men, but placing Lu Ann and Tommie in a world of hurt.

Mark Trail, 11/13/12

Did you wonder why Mark was so blasé about his kidnapping and island imprisonment? Well, panels two and three reveal that Mark can see into the future, accepting compliments before they are given, and doubtless foreseeing the hail of fists by which he will eventually secure his freedom. It’s a miracle anybody can sneak up behind this guy. I guess the ability to predict the future doesn’t mean you have to be paying attention.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/13/12

June got free clams and Rex got Internet fame, but Ginger wins the chest-off.

Mary Worth, 11/13/12

OK, it’s been hinted at that Jim is a possessive creep, but established beyond any doubt that he has ONLY ONE ARM. So how exactly is he grabbing Dawn in panel 2? And just what the HELL is he doing with his bottle of soda? I think the answers demand a much larger exclamation point than Dawn is giving us here.

Family Circus, 11/13/12

The original Family Circus gremlins, Not Me, Ida Know, and Nobody, are invisible scapegoats for the Keane Kids’ adorable transgressions. But newcomers Just B. Cause and O. Yeah aren’t objects of blame at all, but oddly-attired “things kids say when they’re being jerks.” If they live long enough to reach middle school, we can expect the Kids to give us strung-out junkie Whatevs, Vegas card-shark Deal With It, and the principal character from Marvin, O. Crap.

Hey, Thel — that kitchen is a pigsty. And hot dogs for dinner again? Seriously, woman, just what the hell do you do all day?

— Uncle Lumpy