Archive: Mary Worth

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Slylock Fox, 2/15/21

Here’s my hot take on this supposed “crime”: who gives a shit about a little light fire alarm prankery? Yes, it’s annoying, and theoretically a waste of the fire department’s time, but you know what else is a waste of their time? Taking meticulous notes and pacing around trying to figure out who pulled the fire alarm in the first place, instead of just yelling at everybody and then getting back into the fire truck and taking off! And sure, Walter Weimaraner probably wasn’t actually bowling when the alarm went off, but let’s be honest: a guy hanging around a bowling alley in a double-breasted suit and fancy little boots, conspicuously not bowling, is probably up to no good anyway. Slick Smitty alone can see the truth, even if he needs to lie a bit to open our eyes to it!

Mary Worth, 2/15/21

Sometimes, when you’re feeling overwhelmed, the best incentive to get out of the house is that your house will be full of dog poop if you don’t. Saul and Eve are here to testify!

Dennis the Menace, 2/15/21

Honestly, I’m more concerned about the broken heart of whatever poor soul was supposed to be the recipient of that box of candy. Each scenario I come up with as to how Dennis and Joey got their grubby little hands on it is more menacing than the last!

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Mary Worth, 2/11/21

Oh, say, what’s going on in the Mary Worth domestic violence storyline, which will surely get the same nuanced, realistic treatment that the sexual assault storyline received? Well it turns out that Eve’s abusive ex-husband had a comical vaudeville villain mustache, and also he died, and then she left town with the money she inherited from him and bought a nice condo in Santa Royale. But the importan question: is she moving on emotionally with the help of a licensed professional therapist? Turns out that yes, yes she is. Well, problem solved, time for the next storyline, I guess!

Shoe, 2/11/21

Props to Shoe for long ago figuring out that the format of an open-ended question on a school test is a good opportunity to wedge old jokes into their strip, but I really have question the quality of education that Skyler is receiving. Maybe he knows these one-liners are utterly failing to prepare him for the modern workforce, and that’s why he looks so depressed all the time.

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Apologies for giving you a double-dose of Funky Winkerbean today, but sadly I need two days’ worth of strips to provide the proper context for today’s commentary. Pretty amazing that I’m a guy who has to provide multi-day context for today’s Funky Winkerbean strip, as a job! Ha ha, a lot of choices have been a made that cannot be undone anymore, much to think about, etc., but the point is that this week’s strips take place at a band teachers’ convention and much of the content has involved band-themed puns on signs that characters gently smile at, as in yesterday’s strip:

Funky Winkerbean, 1/29/21

But not today! No, today’s strip is about band-themed puns on signs that character gently frown at:

Funky Winkerbean, 1/30/21

Why is the first pun smileworthy while the second is frown-inducing? I feel like this is the Rosetta Stone that, if I could just crack it, would allow me to truly and fully understand the Funkyverse. Furthermore, I assume that if I could achieve such a state of Funkyligthenment, I would be free of my compulsion to read and analyze the strip every day. Sadly, full understanding is still beyond my grasp, leaving me doomed to continue to gawk at Funkyworld in half-comprehending rage for the indefinite future.

Mary Worth, 1/30/21

Oh, it turns out the source of Eve’s anxiety attacks is PTSD from an abusive marriage, which isn’t very much fun at all! We’ll let you know when this strip returns to a more enjoyable level of wacky interpersonal drama.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/30/21

“I decided that risk was a lot of trouble for not a lot of payoff for me personally, so I stopped taking it. Guess you’ll be seeing a lot more of me around the office than you probably want to, ha ha!”

Crock, 1/30/21

They could’ve just ended this strip after the first panel. Get it? Because Crock sucks ass and is never funny! I alone have the guts to say this, no matter how much abuse I take for daring to speak the truth!