Archive: Mary Worth

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/20

A lot changed in the tone of this strip with Terry Beatty took over writing duties for Woody Wilson, but there’s one thing that I’m glad stayed absolutely the same, which is that Rex is a petty little bitch and if you even slightly irritate him just once he will never forget it or forgive you. A normal person would probably be like “Ha ha, Aunt Tildy seems like a kook but if you say she’s part of your extended family I’ll buy it” but Rex has the local SWAT team on speed dial and is definitely waiting for June to admit that Tildy isn’t technical a blood relation so that he can have her forcibly extracted from his home with the help of lots of surplus military equipment.

Dick Tracy, 1/9/20

Dick Tracy, meanwhile, has come a long way since the days when its antagonists wore gimp masks and got eaten alive by rats. Still, you have to admire the low-key perversity involved in having this May-December pairing discussing how their DNA-altered leading lady “nailed” the aura of a robo-seductress right in front of her like she isn’t even there.

Mary Worth, 1/9/20

Man, can you think of a single narrative in the history of human storytelling that wouldn’t have been better if the main conflict were resolved by the protagonist having some tests run on their thyroid, proving that was the source of all their problems after all? I sure can’t! War and Peace, Hamlet, the Bible … all of them would absolutely have benefited from the ol’ thyroid-test denouement. Honestly, if Rise of Skywalker had ended with Rey and Kylo in mid-lightsaber battle and then Rey asked Kylo “Did he test your thyroid?” and then Kylo became a good guy, that would’ve been honestly a much more satisfying end to the entire Star Wars saga than what we actually got.

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Mary Worth, 1/7/2020

Ah, I think we’re about to learn this storyline’s valuable lesson: it’s very important that you not go to some doctor for normals and poors who accepts your cut-rate health insurance, because he’s just going to diagnose you with old. No, you need to go to Dr. Howard, whose fees only dot-com millionaires can afford, and who can pump you full of teenager blood to reverse the aging process, or at least offer you the array of modern cosmetic enhancement procedures that allow, say, Tom Cruise and Paul Rudd to be believable leading men despite being older than Wilford Brimley was when he starred in Cocoon.

Dennis the Menace, 1/7/2020

Dennis is breaking the fourth wall in a quite menacing fashion here. What is he going to do with Margaret that he doesn’t want us to see? I mean, probably just being a sullen dick to her while she attempts to have a civilized friendship with him, I guess, which quite frankly we’ve seen enough of.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/7/2020

PANEL ONE: Aunt Hildy oversteps her bounds, in a friendly but potentially irritating way!

PANEL TWO: June sets a firm boundary, while taking care to acknowledge the good intentions behind Aunt Hildy’s offer!

PANEL THREE: Aunt Hildy acknowledges and accepts the boundary June sets, as the reasons given for it make good sense! This is the sort of roller coaster of drama that we’ve come to expect from this strip, and I for one am exhausted.

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Gentle readers! Welcome back to The Comics Curmudgeon! I hope you enjoyed the holiday break from the comics; as usual, I couldn’t keep away from my beloved continuity strips, so I’m offering a quick end-of-year roundup here. I sincerely hope that your Christmas was better than that experienced by the denizens of the Funkyverse. I mean, just look at these sad, sorry bastards.

Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft, 12/25/19

All us of course hope that our Christmas celebration will be as good as Mary Worth’s Christmas celebration…

Mary Worth, 12/25/19

…to which you’ll note that Wilbur, who Mary has been endlessly talking up as a suitable romantic partner, has not been invited. Ian has been invited to this thing, and Wilbur still didn’t make the cut. I love Dr. Jeff’s sweater, which is meant to make clear his constant joy at Wilbur’s absence.

(By the way, if you want to express your joy, or anger, at 2019’s Mary Worth, be sure to vote in the Worthy Awards, the Mary Worth gala put on by faithful reader Wanders! Give your opinion on such important categories as “Outstanding Performance By An Inconsequential Character,” “Outstanding Representation Of Food,” and “Outstanding Floating Head.”)

Mary Worth, 12/26/19

I guess Estelle and Wilbur have decided to spend Christmas together at the karaoke bar instead. Gotta love Wilbur’s wild-eyed plunge into the barrel of music-related metaphors for how desperate he is for Estelle to spend time with him!

Curtis, 12/26/19

Curtis used to do extremely bonkers Kwanzaa storylines every year, featuring bat-winged bears and telepathic otters, but mostly the strip abandoned the concept, despite a few half-assed revivals. But I’m hoping that this year’s revival, starring a mysterious tween wearing a deeply unsettling wooden mask, will feature at least three-quarters of an ass’s worth of effort.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/28/19

Just a brief reminder that it isn’t just the Funkyverse characters we know who are tiresome beyond belief; everyone in this cursed plane of existence is exactly this terrible. It’s a wonder they haven’t all murdered each other.

Mark Trail, 12/28/19

Look, Mark, there’s just no way to earn respect within the cryptid investigator community unless you bring a hitherto legendary creature to New York and put him in chains for Broadway audiences to gawk at, OK? Mere regional theater just isn’t going to cut it!

Mary Worth, 12/28/19

My father was an alcoholism counselor for many years and he introduced me to the concept of a “dry drunk,” an addict who decides to stop using because they recognize their addiction as a barrier that stops them from getting things they want in life, but who never truly grapple with the root causes of their addictive behavior in the first place, and who therefore continue to act out in other ways. The canonical example of a dry drunk that he used was Jack Torrence, the father in The Shining who was played by Jack Nicholson in the movie version. Just putting that out there for Estelle to think about!

Dick Tracy, 12/29/19

The latest story of Splitface sure wrapped up quickly, and boringly, and Steve Roper and Mike Nomad went home, but good news: we’ve got a new story with a new villain: Mr. Roboto! Does Mr. Roboto appear to be some dude wearing the Mr. Roboto costume from Styx’s Kilroy Was Here rock opera? Yes. Is Mr. Robot possibly former Styx frontman Dennis DeYoung, who wore the costume on-stage, possibly because his acrimonious split with his bandmates has driven him to a life of crime? Let’s hope!

Mark Trail, 12/29/19

Mark Trail spent the final Sunday of 2019 reminding you that just because some socialist tried convince you that America belongs to its people, bears don’t buy that Marxist claptrap. Bears don’t believe in capitalism either, so we can’t even buy America from them. Nope, the only way to make their land our land is to defeat them in single combat. Or you could slowly back away from them, like a coward, if you’re OK with their rule!

Mary Worth, 12/29/19

“Only alcohol could encourage someone to take a risk with a potentially exciting payoff,” thinks Wilbur. “I guess that sort of thing is behind me, now that I don’t drink anymore. This attitude definitely won’t be setting me up for trouble further down the road!”

Dick Tracy, 12/30/19

Wow, I guess I assumed when a criminal comes up with a whole robot/Styx persona, he has something more exciting in mind for his crime spree than just … robbing banks? Seems kind of basic, to be honest. You could’ve done this in a ski mask just as effectively.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/30/19


Mary Worth, 12/31/19

“He didn’t offer you injections of the serum that has kept me ageless for more than three hundred years? I’m so sorry, my dear, I thought I put you on the list!”

Mark Trail, 1/1/20

Gosh, I guess Harvey Camel isn’t such a bad guy after all! Nope, it’s Genie who’s the money grubber we’re all going to have to keep an eye on! Poor Genie: she always knows how to count things — how many people live in Kathmandu, how many dollars a live yeti could be sold for on the black market — but she never knows the true worth of things, like a monopoly granted by the Nepalese government on all-inclusive tours to the yeti-rich Himalayan foothills, run by Dr. Camel and his trusted contractors.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/1/20

“I mean ‘golden’ pretty literally. Anyone called ‘the Count’ was probably quite rich, and it sounds like you might be one of this woman’s only heirs. Let’s start formulating a plan to make sure she still likes us but also maybe we subtly exacerbate any pre-existing medical conditions she might have.”

Curtis, 1/1/20

Oh hell yeah, mask-girl’s gonna melt some bad guy with her unmasked face. This will be the best Kwanzaa ever!

In 2020, keep coming back to this site for all the stuff you love, which I will keep doing, as well as any of the stuff you don’t like, because I’m pretty much not planning on changing anything! Though I will say that if one of the things you don’t like is the ads on the site, you can become a Comics Curmudgeon supporter for $3 a month and get an ad-free site and more! And if one of the things you love about the site is when I promote my live comedy shows, good news, because I’m going to keep doing that, too. Like, here’s a reminder: I’m doing an Internet Read Aloud show in Los Angeles this Friday, January 3rd, at 8 pm (Facebook event here):

AND I’ll be putting on a special version of the show at SF Sketchfest on Saturday, January 18, co-hosted by Conor Lastowka, and featuring Bill Corbett of MST3K/Rifftrax and Laser Malena-Webber of the Doubleclicks, among others!

Tickets are limited so buy some now!