Archive: Mary Worth

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/3/18

I haven’t really been checking in with the story of Justin who can’t stop puking up his food and yet is remarkably reluctant to seek medical attention for what’s obviously a fairly serious condition. The most anyone’s been able to get out of him (other than the vomit) is that he doesn’t like getting hit in the knee with a reflex hammer, but today we learn that since he was a little boy his mother has been filling his head with horror stories about his ancestor who died from an operation, and whom neither she nor Justin ever met. We also learn that, in addition to not realizing that surgery is safer now than it was during the Harding Administration, she also doesn’t know that morticians are happy to give your loved one a post-mortem haircut.

Gil Thorp, 4/3/18

“Loses his mind” may be putting it kind of strongly, but I do like the engineer’s fairly extreme reaction to a little mild on-air cussing. Presumably he swept his coffee mug aside while flailing wildly in the immediate aftermath of the incident, and has taken his headphones off so he doesn’t have to listen to further swear words from Marty, or perhaps so he doesn’t have to listen to his gentle sobbing.

Mark Trail, 4/3/18

“The way we’re hunting down this rhino reminds me of the days when Jim and I were on that television show, To Catch A Predator! Only this time the ‘predator’ metaphor doesn’t reflect quite so badly on us!”

Mary Worth, 4/3/18

I don’t know what’s sadder: that Dawn is truly enjoying herself in Florence only now, as massive flooding driven by catastrophic climate change puts even hilly Tuscany underwater, or that Wilbur has to cruelly watch ads for shampoo that feature long, lustrous manes of hair while he’s trying to eat.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/1/18

Is it? Is it a lot more fun, Sarah? Because it doesn’t look fun to me at all. It looks fucking terrifying! Your parents’ heads are the size of your entire body, and they’re full of razor-sharp teeth!

Mark Trail, 4/1/18

At least the dinosaurs are all dead, in real life! Feral pigs are very much alive, and there are more of them than there are people in Wisconsin! Mark has described them as “invasive behemoths,” “voracious beasts,” and “portly pests,” and points out that they’re now threatening our very children. I for one am entirely on board with whatever government or military response is necessary to defeat them. No sacrifice is too great! Do we need to eat them? Then no matter what the damage to our hearts and arteries, eat them we shall!

Mary Worth, 4/1/18

Hey, I know I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Mary Worth, so in case you’re wondering “Did Mary take Wilbur up to the side of this cliff and then he just whined vaguely about his dissatisfying life and she offered even more vague comforting noises in response for an entire week?”, the answer is very much yes!

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Blondie, 3/25/18

I’m pretty much in awe of Blondie’s grim determination to constantly wedge in references to whatever noncontroversial current event is going to be happening when its strips are published, presumably weeks or months after they’re actually written. I hope that you, like the cast of Blondie, are enjoying “Final Four week,” the week-long celebration of the Final Four that we all know and love! I also hope that you’re in awe of Mr. Dithers’ ability to bounce a bound paper report up and down like a basketball, in violation of all laws of physics. People are gonna ask, “What’s the key indicator that what we’re seeing is some kind of ‘heightened reality,’ perhaps a hallucination or spirit vision?”, and most people are gonna go for Mr. Dithers’ six feet of vertical lift in the next-to-last panel, but for my money it’s him bouncing that unbounceable report, and by merely calling Dithers a “pretty decent dribbler” Dagwood is showing some profound disrespect.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/25/18

“Look, do you want everyone in this town dead of heart disease by 55 or not? I thought you were on board with the Montoni mission statement.”

Mary Worth, 3/25/18

Wait a minute … Wilbur is lonely and depressed, abandoned by his daughter and girlfriend, haunted by his many failures, and Mary is going to … take him to the top of a cliff … and have him contemplate his sad, broken life?