Archive: Mary Worth

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I hope everyone had a fantastic conclusion to 2018! I had a blast, and even though Curtis seems to have permanently eschewed its traditional Kwanzaa madness, I managed to select some choice continuity strips for the past week and change for you so you can start your year off right.

Mark Trail, 12/22/18

Oh, hey, Rusty and Mara’s plan to track … this …….. bad? …….. guy with their phones finally seems to have paid off! He’s mad about being caught, of course, but he’s probably even angrier that Rusty has a close relationship with a loving family who actually pick up the phone and call him every once in a while. Look, buddy, Rusty, a hideously boy-thing who was “adopted” under the extremely loose rules of Forest Law when Mark and Cherry started feeding him inside the house, wasn’t allowed to start calling them “dad” and “mom” until a tree fell on Mark, so you should really ask yourself how committed you are to family intimacy if you want to go further down this road.

Mary Worth, 12/22/18

Toby’s current suspicion level that anyone, anywhere might be sexually attracted to her husband: currently hovering around -1.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/23/18

Rex Morgan dips into the strip’s history to remember when June almost despaired that, despite our annual celebration of the birth of the Prince of Peace, mankind is still torn asunder by violence and conflict, while Rex suggets that maybe our bold exploration of space will finally pull all of humanity together in one common mission. Then we jump to the present day, in which not only are we still fighting a bunch of wars, but we’re also lying to each other about our supposedly heroic wartime deeds! Oh, also, we went to the moon like five times in three years and then just kind of stopped.

Mary Worth, 12/23/18

Ian’s current suspicion level that anyone, anywhere might be sexually attracted to him: he reacts to a student gushingly complimenting his speaking voice not by thinking “Professor Cameron, you’ve still got it” but by considering supplementing his job as a low-level academic by dabbling in community theater.

Dick Tracy, 12/24/18

Hey, remember back in 2014 when those two bad guys stole one of Diet Smith’s Space Coupes but didn’t know how to control it and so they suffocated to death as they headed out into deep space? Well, their corpses, presumably perfectly preserved in the airless interior of the runaway spacecraft, wish you a very Merry Christmas!

Mary Worth, 12/24/18

Toby’s current suspicion level that anyone, anywhere might be sexually attracted to her husband: just actively cruel now.

Gil Thorp, 12/25/18

This is your annual reminder that Gil and Mimi used to have kids who appeared on their Christmas card with them, but they vanished from the strip without a trace years ago, and now they do a joint Christmas card with Kelly and Coach Kaz, which means we’re only like one or two years away from all of them just being open about being in a group polyamorous relationship.

Crankshaft, 12/25/18

One of Crankshaft’s favorite Christmas jokes is when Crankshaft “has too many rum balls” and “falls asleep,” which of course is totally family friendly and different from “drinks too much rum” and “passes out.” Anyway, you know what would be a good joke, would be if Jeff said “He certainly brings new meaning to ‘dead drunk’!” because it turned out Crankshaft died, from too much booze.

Gil Thorp, 12/26/18

Just a reminder that this Gil Thorp‘s basketball season B-plot is that one of the characters loves to quote the beloved Ashton Kutcher sitcom That ’70s Show. Don’t worry if you forget, though, because the other characters will remind you that that’s what’s going on!

Mark Trail, 12/27/18

Folks, let this be a lesson to you: if you let vital public services like public libraries fall into disrepair and disuse, then your community will inevitably be afflicted by blight like artifact-napping crime! Be warned and vote yes on library bonds in your town!

Dick Tracy, 12/27/18

Just a reminder that the current Dick Tracy plot involves a villain named Splitface, but he used to be named Haf and Haf, and there was another villain in this strip who was also named Splitface, but rest assured that they’re different people. Will the narrative payoff be worth the confusion for the approximately 15 people who care about this stuff? Based on everything we know about Dick Tracy, obviously yes!

Mark Trail, 12/28/18

Oh, thank God, Jose is in fact definitively a good guy! I certainly hope every other character in this plotline gets a strip to explain their alignment and motivations by the time the whole thing wraps up sometime in 2023.

Dick Tracy, 12/29/18

Just a reminder that the current Dick Tracy plot involves a villain named Splitface, but there used to be another Splitface, and they’re not the same, see? Do we need to explain this every other day? Because we will, don’t think we won’t. Anyway, the current Splitface is called that because half his face is normal and half is terribly deformed, and Batman got to the name “Two-Face” first. The first Splitface was called that because, uh, he used to split people’s face with a knife, apparently.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/30/18

Were you thinking of sleeping in like some kind of damn hippie artist, Sarah? We didn’t arrange for you to have the extremely specific kind of amnesia where you forget your painting skills for you to relax on a national holiday like some kind of bum, young lady!

Mary Worth, 12/31/18

Ha ha, Toby uses “old man” as a jokey synonym for “husband,” just like people in the ’60s and ’70s did! This definitely establishes her as the younger one in this relationship.

Gasoline Alley, 1/1/19

It’s 2019, everybody! Get ready to spend the year contemplating this image of Walt, with one frame of his glasses a disc of pure white and the other filled with a disturbing expanse of flesh.

Judge Parker, 1/1/19

Time for a new adventure in Judge Parker! Marie’s new husband is missing — and he’s naked!

Gil Thorp, 1/2/19

Ha ha, things are really heating in Gil Thorp! Looks like a certain young man is about to learn that infringing on the rights of the Carsey-Werner Company, which controls all intellectual property associated with That ’70s Show, is no laughing matter!

Anyway, daily comics recaps begin anew tomorrow, so I’m signing off by sharing my New Year’s resolution with you: to continue to create a hilarious internet blog about daily comic strips. That’s my resolution every year, and guess what: every year I deliver! So buckle up!

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Mary Worth, 12/21/18

Oh man, it just now occurs to me that I’m not entirely sure what Ian’s voice is supposed to sound like! Ever since I stumbled upon these amazing videos years ago, I’ve heard this Ian in my head as the canonical Ian voice:

(I don’t think I’ve posted this in years and if you haven’t watched it yet you really owe it to yourself, it’s a couple weeks of Mary Worth strips acted out panel by panel, and I only found out long after first seeing it that it was made in Baltimore by friends and friends of friends of mine!)

BUT ANYWAY, while I enjoy the thought of Ian drawwwwing out his vowels pommmpously like the actor in the video, there are other alternatives. All we know is that this inexplicably besotted young woman thinks it’s “powerful”! He could have a very deep and stentorian voice! Or maybe gruff, scratchy, and bear-like! Also, we know he’s proud of his Scottish heritage, but have ever established whether or not he was actually born in Scotland? Does he have a Scots accent? Does he sound like Sean Connery, but drunker and angrier??? I will be thinking of nothing else for weeks!

Dustin, 12/21/18

You know what I always thought of as an “unspoken covenant”? Not to just start a conversation with a total stranger with “Good lord, there’s shit everywhere in there.” Maybe it’s just me though!

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Judge Parker, 12/20/18

I love how absolutely blasé Judge Parker Senior is about this whole scenario while Katherine freaks out. “Now, I know stealthily breaking into people’s homes and leaving expensive and no doubt extremely illegally obtained diamonds as a vaguely menacing gift is an very on-brand move for Norton, but Sam’s contact at the CIA said he was killed. When has the CIA ever lied to anybody? No, this must be from some other Norton. Maybe the anti-virus people? Do we get these with our subscription?”

Mary Worth, 12/20/18

Just to remind you, King Lear features, among other things, vicious intrafamily dynamics, betrayal, murder, a character’s eyes being gouged out on stage, poisoning, suicide — just bad business all around. But apparently hearing Ian describing it all is enough to get this lady horned up. Sure, STEM classes are more “practical” or whatever, but you don’t get this level of arousal from taking mechanical engineering, folks!

Dennis the Menace, 12/20/18

Mr. Wilson’s facial expression here is an unusual one that I would describe as “cruel triumph.” “Egads! This whole time, all I had to do to tame this monster was placate him with a series of cheap trinkets? Finally, I shall be able to bend his menacing to my own designs!”