Archive: Mary Worth

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Mary Worth, 6/14/18

Guys, guys, guys, are you ready for Tommy’s drug-free, Christ-centered summer romance? Because it’s happening! Tommy has chivalrously driven his comely co-worker home so she doesn’t have to take the bus, and I assume from his pregnant pause before “hang out” that her neighborhood was the site of some criminal adventures in his younger “very own meth lab” days. That’s probably where he went to buy — as an ahead-of-his-time entrepreneur, when it came time for him to peddle his wares, he did so in the leafy environs of UC Santa Royale, which unfortunately resulted in his immediate arrest. Anyway, I assume that Brandy lives downtown, which in the ’00s was a seedy, nightmarish hellscape filled with tank-top wearing toughs and abused women who had to suffer at the women’s shelter if they didn’t have a nice lady like Mary to take them back to her condo; but today it has a burgeoning arts scene and is, as Brandy notes, gentrifying nicely. Better not try any funny drug business around here now, Tommy! The cops actually respond to calls downtown these days!

Gasoline Alley, 6/14/18

Good news! Slim has finally received medication to help treat his terrible head injury, and it’s immediately sent him into an erotic desert island reverie. Did you know “play post office” is code for “three-way makeout fest”? I didn’t, and I’m now having to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about the American mail distribution system.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/14/18

Last week’s Crankshafts were all about how Crankshaft hoarded thousands of “Bean’s End Catalogs” (Bean’s End being like the combination of LL Bean and Land’s End, only … about gardening equipment rather than sensible clothing?) and eventually agreed to sell them off, and then they were purchased by obsessive collector Chester “The Chiseler”; meanwhile, ten years later in the Funkypresent, Chester, now the employer of Darin and Mopey Pete at a doomed comics startup, decided to unload his Bean’s End Catalog collection on eBay in order to bring in some cash to stretch out the lifespan of said doomed comics startup. I didn’t cover any of this at the time because it was all boring, but I am assuming that Funky’s dad lurking around weirdly and overhearing this conversation will lead to him buying said Bean’s End Catalogs as a gift for the now-comatose Crankshaft. I’m not sure how this dovetails in with the few things I seem to remember about Funky-dad’s characterization, which is that he’s an alcoholic and a real asshole, but if he ends up spending the bulk of Funky’s inheritance on a futile gesture of kindness towards a man who won’t appreciate or even notice it, that’s OK with me!

Mark Trail, 6/14/18

“A whole country full of ruins? An entire civilization laid waste by foreign invaders and the alien diseases they brought with them, their people reduced to a subordinate caste for centuries and their monuments left to crumble in the jungle? And now I get to climb all over them and take pictures? That’s amazing! I can’t get enough!”

Pluggers, 6/14/18

You’re a plugger if everyone you know is either sick or dead.

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Slylock Fox, 6/11/18

Today’s Slylock has what strikes me as a pretty big disconnect between the text and the art. The narrative we’re presented with asks us to believe that it’s Max who was lagging behind, and Slylock who has to still forge ahead to complete their mission. But check out what they actually look like: Max dynamically striding forward into adventure, looking over his shoulder at his companion, who’s desperately clinging to the broken bridge with a look of panic on his face. It’s almost as if these tales aren’t being written by their true hero, isn’t it? Anyway, here’s hoping Max crumples that map into a ball, tosses it into the ravine while Slylock watches, and heads off into the jungle, never looking back.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/11/18

While I admit it isn’t for everyone, I really enjoyed the Darren Aronofsky Noah from a few years back (my pocket review is that the it’s the only big-budget biblical epic I’ve seen that has the nerve to get as crazy as the actual bible). One of the key themes of the movie is that for most of the story Noah believes that God plans to kill off all of mankind for its sins; Noah and his family are merely to shepherd the animal species through the Flood, and then once they die of old age, the human race will be justly wiped out. It’s only when he discovers that his daughter-in-law is pregnant that he has to recalibrate his thinking; but what today’s Barney Google and Snuffy Smith asks us to imagine is a word where the Flood is meant as a final and complete act of extermination, not just for man but for the beasts as well. Parson Tuttle is, as usual, wrong: There is an ark, and these creatures are calmly walking one by one into it, each to bear witnes for his or her kind at the complete elimination of all their fellows. All will live out the rest of their lives in contemplation, and eventually perish, leaving the earth cleansed of the filth that is biological life.

Mary Worth, 6/11/18

Hey, remember when Tommy used to date one his co-workers, but then he hurt himself and missed a few days of work, and when he came back she dumped him and he became a Vicodin addict? Then he eventually got fired, which solved the problem of having to work with an ex, but caused more problems in terms of not having a job and spiraling downward into addiction and so forth. But good news! Now he has a job, and there’s a girl at this job that Tommy clearly intends to make his own! His life’s all set, until the dangerous combination of a back injury and a breakup inevitably befalls him again.

Spider-Man, 6/11/18

It’s funny because Iron Fist has immediately taken Spidey’s measure and deemed him not even worth punching with his titular iron fist, and instead has chosen to kick him with what I assume is a regular, non-metallic foot, which appears to be clad in a ballet slipper of some kind.

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Dick Tracy, 6/10/18

Ha ha, I guess this is why they call him “Sawtooth”: if you try to make small talk with him during the 46-hour train ride from California to Chicago, he’ll bite your head off! Metaphorically. And maybe literally, later. 46 hours is a long time. And that’s the scheduled travel time. Those long-haul Amtrak routes often run very late. Lotta opportunities for, say, a guy with metal teeth to bite another guy’s head off, is what I’m saying. He’d have some soothing quiet then, by God. Except for all the horrified screaming, I guess.

Mary Worth, 6/10/18

Remember, Mary is of a certain age, so she uses euphemisms like “seeing someone at the Medical Arts Building” to mean psychotherapy and “exciting personal life” to mean “non-stop fuckfest with a hot rich dude her son’s age, to which I have given my blessing.”

Spider-Man, 6/10/18

Boy, there’s a lot of musing about hospital administrators padding out this comic before we get to the best: the NEXT: box that boldly uses the completely horrifying phrase “spider of flesh!” Imagine if you will a spider not covered in chitin like the ones you know, but rather just composed entirely of flesh. Just a spider-shaped flesh-chunk, no organs or anything like that, but somehow alive, and moving. Pretty awful, right? Sure would want a fist made of iron to come along and pound it into oblivion!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/10/18

“…with a bigger budget than most, of course. So, in other words, I’m not like a regular mom at all! I’m rich as shit!”