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Being away for two weeks only served to show me how little actually happens in two weeks in the soap opera strips. Still, a couple of loyal readers offered amusing summaries of their twists and turns. Brandon, who also goes by the name of “Tournament of stuff,” provides this recap of Rex Morgan, M.D.:

“After surviving a harrowing adventure far more harrowing than anything in Without A Paddle, Rex and June are ready for two things: a shower and some sleep! Something’s troubling June, though, and it’s not just that Rex smells ‘like a goat.’ Alternately too tired to discuss her concerns and too worried by them to go to sleep, June finally reveals that they’ve been neglecting their parental duties. It’s time, they decide in the morning, to fire their nanny. After saying their cheery goodbyes and their thanks to the crew that nearly killed them, Rex and June head home to face the unhappy task that awaits them.”

Brandon also describes himself as “a fan”, as if that sort of ass-kissing is going to get him mentioned in the blog. Oh, wait, it will. Ass-kiss away, people!

Grand prize, though, goes to an anonymous poster who offered a summary of two weeks of Mary Worth — in advance!

“Heck, I can summarize the next two weeks of Mary Worth without needing the strips to be published. Or without even using a verb! (Since nothing ever happens in Mary Worth, verbs are unnecessary.) Wilbur. Iris. Dinner. Breadsticks. Drama. Wilbur’s broken heart.”

Good try, my nameless friend, though even the most faithful Mary Worth fan couldn’t have predicted that the litany should have really looked something like this: “Wilbur. Iris. Dinner. Breadsticks. Drama. My very own meth lab!“

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Mary Worth, 8/27/04

Much, MUCH more alarming that subtle changes in Rex Morgan, M.D.’s artwork is the presence of this freakish she-man in Mary Worth. The deliberate cultivation of gender ambiguity as an expression of one’s innermost self or as a cultural critique is one thing, but I think this is just some seriously crappy drawing. The diagonal folds towards the beltline of that too-small tank top made me think that it was actually a woman’s leotard at first (and there’s a challenge to all you Photoshoppers out there if I ever heard one).

I’m assuming that this individual is the ne’er-do-well son of the object of Wilbur’s affections. Actually, now that I look at him more, I have to say that he most resembles what He-Man (a cartoon figure with his own set of fascinating gender issues) would look like if he stopped using steroids.

I have to say that I’m really “digging” his mental use of hip drug lingo. Now that I’m back, I urge any Mary Worth-ites out there to take up my challenge and summarize the series of fascinating events that brought us here, or to the present moment in any of the soap opera strips. I’ve got a couple entries already, but I’ll wait a day or two before posting them to give others time to play along.

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Mary Worth, 8/7/04

Hey, kids! Remember nearly four weeks ago, when Wilbur was about to ask out lovely widow Iris? Been wondering what’s happened in the month since then? While no doubt entire relationships have come and gone since then in the real world, in Mary Worth, we’ve had exactly one extremely long and tedious first date (if you can call it a date when you bring your college-age daughter along). At this rate, Wilbur and Irma might actually get busy sometime in 2009.

Anyway, just thought I’d keep you posted, in the spirit of the title of this blog. Also, I’d like to point out the loving detail that the artist has put into the hair that coats the back of Wilbur’s hand and peeks out at the top of his chest — as well as the three lonely strands that are lovingly combed across the top of his head. I think you’re counting your chickens before they’re hatched, there, Wilbur.