“Dag Hammarskjöld: ‘Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. For me, that something was a commitment to world peace, which I relentlessly pursued right up until my death when my plane was shot down en route to negotiating a cease-fire in the Congo.’ Brandy: ‘I like action thrillers!’” –Owen Kije

“eHarmony presents ‘Letters From Birmingham Jail’” –Paula Gehringer, on Facebook

“Spicy foods are becoming increasingly popular with diners! For example, let’s look in at Millie’s Diner. Oh yeah, things are definitely heating up in there!” –Peanut Gallery

“This is one of those days when I wish Dennis the Menace were 50 panels long instead of eight, so we could see George Wilson: getting an idea, chuckling to himself a bit, finding his car keys, driving to the local PetSmart, parking his car, walking into the store, searching the aisles, becoming frustrated, seeking out an employee, talking to that employee, selecting a dog whistle (after comparing a few prices), walking to the checkout counter, fishing his wallet out of his back pocket, paying for the dog whistle, walking back to his car, getting stuck in traffic on the way home, finally returning home, awkwardly explaining to Martha why he was gone, etc., etc.” –Joe Blevins

“You made a big bowl of popcorn. A big bowl of popcorn to eat, dead-eyed, while you watch…what, a rerun of Cosmos? ‘Everything‘ is not what’s happening to you.” –Anonymous

“As usual, Marvin’s stale jokes leave no room for the really important question: is it demeaning to play fetch?!” –Ettore

“You hit the nail on the head, Ditto. As soon as she drops you off at Camp Samsara she’s headed for the Enlightenment suite at Spa Nirvana. Enjoy the endless cycle of days!” –But What Do I Know?

“Tommy is definitely Iris’s Tyler Durden, right? But, like, some weird reverse Tyler Durden where Iris is the one out living her sexual liberation and Tommy is discovering Christ and working at a grocery store.” –Dan

“I can’t believe how many times they’ve emphasized the fact that Tommy and Brandy had a ‘late’ dinner. I mean, I suppose 9:00 is kinda late for dinner, but surely not so remarkably so that it merits a daily mention. I guess it’s just everyone being on Charterstone time. Like later this week Iris will tell Mary that Tommy went for a late dinner and Mary will be all ‘what, like 4:30?’” –Violet

“I’m slayed, Ma! Slayed like a dragon of love! That’s like a Game of Thrones thing, right? I’m so young and topical!” –pugfuggly

“I’m glad that we have have 68 years of history behind Beetle Bailey, with unique characters like Gizmo, Plato, Sarge, Cookie, Zero, Killer, or even Beetle himself, all so that the punchline could be delivered by, uh. That guy. The generic C-shape with the tumorous c-shapes extruding from his face.” –Bunivasal

“At this rate Iris’ neck is going to be four feet long by Wednesday’s strip, her bottle-blonde locks cascading down acres of increasingly serpentine larynx. Tommy looks on, struggling to remember if he’s relapsed or if the devil has finally come for him.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Do archeologists still wear pith helmets? I thought there was a mass shift to fedoras in the 1980s.” –Zla’od

“‘How does LIDAR work, Professor Carter?’ Rusty asked. A sly grin played across his face since he knew this so-called ‘scholar’, being a humanities grad, couldn’t even explain that light can be both wave and particle, let alone understand a micropulse system utilizing intermittent bursts of energy to image objects.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Bill and Ted’s Reasonably Functional Radar-Like Equipment’ –Applemask

“When I have a child, I plan to always put his or her name in quotation marks as well.” –Here Come the Judge

“Thel regrets having not dug Billy’s grave a little deeper.” –Tom the Sailor Man

“I actually genuinely like the smile on Roy’s face in his one panel. My man’s gonna talk a half-hour off from his hell family, and he’s gonna spend it doing what he loves: straight poopin’. Happy Father’s Day, Roy.” –Dan

“An hour later they bust the door down to find Roy long dead. Tragic, of course, but at least there’s one less to compete for toilet time.” –WLP

“‘Uh-oh‘ is right, Snuffy! It looks like your family members have finally figured out that you’re a worthless sponge who contributes nothing of value to the family. If I were you’d, I’d grab your trusty squirrel gun and head for … well, not the hills because you’re already in the hills. But a less convenient part of the hills.” –Joe Blevins

“Of course, even steam will set off a smoke alarm, in my experience. Um, should I have my smoke alarm checked? You know, for all the sex I hope to have, someday.” –Duke of Earl Grey

“Killer is an ifriti, a spirit of smoke and fire. Excite his passions and look out! He may engulf you in the inferno of his love.” –Bunivasal

“Police helicopters circling over Los Angeles: ‘Once again, that name is spelled M-A-H-L-E-R. This is your last warning…’” –Lorne

“I don’t want to start a war here, but I am anti-excessive sauce and proud of it. Fast food dining should be between one sauce packet and one 10-piece nuggets. Polysaucy ruins families. Don’t dunk that chicken if one sauce cup ain’t fillin’. Eat ’em dry or don’t even try.” –jroggs

“Look Rusty, if Mark knew you were going to enjoy your vacation he never would have loaded you onto a jet-black food truck and driven deep into the jungles of Central America.” –Escape Zeppelin

“I understand the hipster chick wearing sunglasses at a Rocky Horror screening after midnight, but what’s the EMT’s excuse? ‘The victim appears to be DOA,’ he says, as he fumbles with his hands to pack a still-breathing person into a body bag.” –BigTed

“Haha the joke’s on Dr. Dog-man, who wasted 12+ years of his life on higher education in order to acquire the elite skills necessary to diagnose and advise his patients. Cat-man has absolutely no intention of changing his diet, lifestyle, or boxers, probably. He’s just fine, thank you very much, sitting there cross-eyedly waiting for a Vicodin prescription that he will spend Friday filling and then selling to his nephew alley-cat, hopefully in enough time to get rhino-man’s TV out of hock so they can watch the game on Saturday. (Note to self: submit caption: ‘Pluggers have long been known to take a knee during the national anthem’ for illustration: cat-man kneels in front of ancient fuzzy T.V. screen to fiddle with rabbit-ear antennas while rhino-man slumps to the floor from the sofa, hat in hand, patriotic but lightheaded due to repeated plasma donations.)” –Hopester

“I wonder how Thel manages to keep from wincing when her children monumentally stupid things. Maybe the key is distraction, like holding on to a piping hot cookie pan with your bare hands.” –pugfuggly

“Man, I wonder what Crock was asking about that he looks so smug after a drifter living in a cave read him the first hit from Google.” –Bunivasal

“‘You were able to answer all of Crock’s questions, wise sage. Is that from years of study with great scholars?‘ ‘Nah. The little twerp mostly asked about guerilla warfare and killing sycophantic underlings. I gave him a copy of the Small Wars Manual and the complete works of Agatha Christie. You’ll be burning villages to save them in no time. Well, someone will. Not you, exactly. Uh, you’re OK with the taste of bitter almonds, right?’” –Voshkod

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen any attempt by the General to eat solid food, unless a cocktail olive has been inadvertently consumed at some point.” –Rusty

“The second panel of Mark Trail looks like an old banner of the labour movement. What does it signify, the Popular Front of archaeologists and zoologists?” –Ettorre

“I think today’s Mark Trail is the clearest evidence yet that the recent emergence of ‘Suave Rusty’ has been an act of actual and deliberate transformation, and that it requires every ounce of Rusty’s concentration to maintain his handsome form. He really doesn’t want to scare off this potential lady-friend, but the prospect of exploring nearby ruins for skeletons or arrowheads or whatever is overwhelming him. The cracks in the facade are showing big time in panel three. You can actually see him trying and failing to maintain form. He’s about to be exposed for what he is, and heaven help the witnesses.” –livingonvideo

“Why not be picky? Iowans already suffer floods, blizzards, tornadoes, dust storms, and locusts. Why not give them something to restore their spirit and boost Iowa pride? Demand they show some Iowa grit, and go for having the world’s largest frying pan!! They’ll thank you for it.” –Paula Gehringer, on Facebook

“I was going to comment about how Peter crawling up the building and forcing open a window to ‘sneak a peek‘ made it sound like he was trying to peep on some woman, but then I realized it was far more likely that his TV simply broke, and that he was hoping a bedridden patient would be tuned into The Price Is Right.” –JJ48

“Look, if staring at metal strawberries is the price we pay for remaining in this strip without having to interact with any of the other characters, then prepare to be kitsched out of your mind!” –Le Chein D’Amour

“Have the Harwoods visited the Morgans’ house yet, to see the world’s longest wrap-around sofa?” –seismic-2

“We joke about Spidey doing stupid stuff, but he’s never done anything half as idiotic as a flying jump kick straight out of the 14th floor window of a hospital.” –Schroduck

“Freda’s, as we can tell from the monochromatic stock, only sells astronaut food purchased in bulk back in the ’70s when NASA scaled back its manned space program. I’m giddy with the prospect of Tommy’s new addiction to freeze-dried meatloaf and Tang.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

” Question: Your partner is dangling precariously over a dangerous ravine on the remains of a rope bridge — what do you do? Answer: Throw a rock at him! Question: You don’t like your partner very much, do you? Answer: Nope!” –BigTed

“Spider-Man again exercises his true superpower: mouthing off to people who are in a position to kill him.” –matt w

“This is why artwork matters in comics. I can’t tell if the dog is holding a normal pistol, a phone with an ‘app’ that turns it into a pistol, or a phone set to post all those closeted dogs’ Grindr interactions directly to Facebook and there’s just incidental shadowing behind the phone that looks like a pistol barrel.” –jroggs

“The whole premise of The Addams Family is that despite rejecting societal norms the Addams are a kind and supporting family bound together by love and mutual respect. I guess what I’m getting at is that Bird Senator has my vote in November.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Hey buddy, if parading around in a crimson-red crushed velvet jumpsuit doesn’t get you looked at, I don’t know if anything’s gonna work.” –Dennis Jimenez

“I see Thel’s human form is breaking down. Instead of maintaining a skin-like façade between nose and chin, her mouth flows freely in a soup of flesh-like gel that’s just beginning to ooze from her head. Sam is wise to look away.” –Voshkod

“Spider-Man 101 is apparently not a physics course, as, given the weight and momentum of Peter Parker, his angle and distance from the building, and length of the web he just shot onto the wall, Spider-Man is about to swing back and go crashing through that hospital window.” –Tristan Olson

“The fact that a mid-afterlife is possible suggests that the afterlife has a midpoint, and thus doesn’t go on forever. I can’t determine whether this brings on anxiety, since it means I’ll have to face another death at some point after my first one, or possibly blessed relief from the crushing, oppressive tedium of eternity. Maybe tomorrow’s Rhymes With Orange will address this. I hope it does. I don’t want to have to resort to prayer.” –Larry McAwful

“Tune in tomorrow, when Slim’s package is returned to sender for insufficient postage.” –Pozzo

“Oh gracious, how I used to masturbate over those comic books! Heh heh. Good times.” –Alter Ego

“Though Earl ribbed her for ‘slumming,’ Henrietta had made some good friends by venturing outside her privileged existence. Yet as she struggled with the heavy boxes, she wondered whether it had been wise to befriend so many of the ladies in the Tyson plant.” –Herr Ausländischer Vögel

“Gotta be tough when you have a three-panel strip, but your joke only really takes two, cuz then you’re stuck with an extra one and all you can do is take that zany premise back to reality by having a character say something like ‘No, actually that funny thing that you said is not feasible, so let’s just move on.’” –pugfuggly

“The Amazing Spider-Man Euphemisms, ranked: 5. The Hard Way 4. How Hard 3. Stan Lee/Larry Lieber 2. FWIP 1. Wasting Jimmy Woo” –pastordan