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Hey guys! Here’s today’s comment of the week — a week that, I think it goes without saying, progressed from Monday through Friday in the ordinary sequence that we all know and love!

“Isn’t a key premise of Dennis the Menace that Mr. Wilson would have a quiet, idyllic suburban life, if not for his rambunctious neighbor? Well, Dennis is right next to him, sitting quietly as Mr. Wilson stares out at his own lawn. What exactly is spurring this stony contempt for the hurly-burly of modern life? Did somebody give Joey a cell phone or something? Is Mr. Wilson shooting that brutal look at Joey as he just sits calmly on the lawn playing Minecraft? Because fuck you, Joey. [sips coffee] Fuck you.” –Dan

And here are the runners up! Obviously none of the ones about Friday’s comics were posted several days ago. Like, how would that even work?

“I was curious enough about today’s pop-philosophical quote to look up ‘Javan’ on the internet. Apparently he’s a poet who went by his middle name and had some books published in the ’80s, but still isn’t famous enough to have his own Wikipedia mention (unlike, say, Welsh rugby player Javan Sebastian, English ‘footballer’ Javan Vidal, or Javan, the character on the 2011 version of ThunderCats whose kin was afflicted with a plague). Sometimes I wonder if the Mary Worth folks are just browsing BrainyQuotes.com every Sunday, but then I think to myself, ‘Yes, of course they are.’” –BigTed

“Since Mindy is an antiques dealer in what is purportedly the 21st century, it seems like she’d have done some business with online auction sites herself. I don’t really think she’d need to ask Buck how they work, unless mansplaining is part of their foreplay.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“The Sofia Vegara/Danny DeVito sexy cosplay you ordered is both sexier and more disturbing than you dreamed.” –Andrew DevilHorns, on Twitter

“I love the look on the barber’s face that seems to suggest that the kid is asking for some rare extravagance that those who can afford it might have in their homes, but in a barber shop? No way! Especially not if after this is over your mom hands me another 50¢ piece and no tip. Sure, by 1980, when we’re all taking weekend vacations to the Moon and the safe cigarette has been perfected, there might be TV sets in every business and every room of the house, but until those 30 years pass, let’s deal with the present day as it is, shall we?” –Larry McAwful

“That bikini color, a cross between mauve and beige, does absolutely nothing for Fabiana. Her attraction to Wilbur makes a lot more sense if she has absolutely no taste, and even more sense if it turns out she’s blind.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“If it’s on the internet, it’s true. Sorry kid. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to read about this one strange trick to lose weight.” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

“Coach, I have four questions: How should I prepare my hashbrowns? What does the Prom Committee do? Should I rent or own a timepiece? Can you help me deliver this refrigerator to the Johnson’s?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“There’s a sad subtext in today’s RMMD, in which the vibrant, fresh-faced youngster looks upon his doughy, deskbound dad and can’t help but think, ‘So THAT’s what I’m going to look like in 25 years.’ His plaintive ‘What’s the deal, dad?’ may be overtly about comix forgery, but beneath is an existential question about faulty genes and the anti-Darwinian course of civilized human evolution.” –jvwalt

“One more week of Rex Morgan, M.D. strips about this and I am going to buy art forgeries out of spite.” –Ettorre

“I’m not so sure I like this North American Air Command, a place where grizzled, hardworking, mustached men can have their work — and, by extension, their very sanity — questioned by weak, callow, non-mustached men. Tell me, Captain Peachfuzz, have you ever field stripped a rifle blindfolded? Been forced to shoot a beloved family dog? Broken a woman’s heart? That’s what I thought. So why don’t you go back to playing hopscotch and leave the bogey spotting to the men?” –Joe Blevins

“Cut! There’s a goddamn mic in the panel two shot! Is that your boom mic, Bruce? Is it? You’re fired. Get the hell out. And you two. Look, Blondie, you just got a nice gift from an old man you made happy. Maybe try happy as an emotion? Not joy, but wistful happiness? Is that in your goddamn repertoire? And you, Noseboy, does the script say ‘jealousy?’ Does it say ‘greed?’ It does not. It says ‘joshing,’ do you know what that means? You’re happy for a friend — you have friends, right, Nostril? You’re being buddy-buddy, not green-eyed monster. Christ, who writes this crap anyway? OK, someone get me a coffee and a danish, and let’s start this over. Take 65, and go!” –Voshkod

“If you’re going after the fleeing, unarmed blonde, while leaving the heavily-armed psychopath to your partner, maybe you’re not the one who needs to be shouting ‘Cover me!’” –Pozzo

“This Sunday’s Mark Trail will cover the importance of posture and standing upright to prevent lower back injury as you hunt and track the Most Dangerous Game of all.” –Dread

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Let’s jump right into this week’s COTW, y’all!

“Who’s eating arepas & bandeja paisa?/ And thinks this chica quiere bailar?/ Who’s gonna be a drug lord’s hostage?/ Everyone knows it’s Wilbur! [To the tune of The Association’s ‘Windy,’ of course.]” –Janna, on Twitter

The runners up are also hilarious!

“His rule for surviving prison seems to be: Say every last thought that comes into your head. There are no exceptions to this rule.” –Joe Blevins

“Of course, when your mom and I were young and we used to have threesomes, that was the original ‘Dagwood sandwich.’ True story! Wait, son, come back — this is your ‘birds and bees and sandwiches’ talk. Don’t you want to hear where I hid the salami? No, you can’t call Child Protective Services about this — you’re, like, 83!” –BigTed

“That looks like an outtake from a trial-run Seinfeld newspaper strip from 1996.” –the phantom king, on Twitter

“And by ‘the holidays,’ I mean Christmas. Because let’s face it, Halloween is Satanic and Thanksgiving is a colonialist charade.” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Even you have to admit, Dad, that God is quite an artist,’ Pam said, standing in front of a solid azure background decorated with lazy cross-hatching.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“You know, while people make a big deal about Mark Trail’s fist of justice, one cannot underestimate his ability to bore people to death.” –Dood

“Welp, you referred to Mark as ‘Trail.’ Get ready for a vortex of fists, Baldy.” –Kevin On Earth

“If Rick Soto wants to be a dreamy pop singer, he’s gonna need some fine tuning on that nose.” –Rusty

“Although, to be honest, ‘scheme to defraud the customer out of $100’ is probably the most common way the Blondie core reader demographic acquires apps.” –Brian M

“I’m really sorry that we don’t get to see the image of Rick Soto singing earnestly into a spoon in the middle of what looks like the observation deck at the CN tower, I guess?” –pugfuggly

“The stripes on Judge Parker (Senior)’s head are just so perfect. He looks like a tube of Aquafresh toothpaste. You just want to squeeze him until all his hair extrudes, black and white stripes, a majestic zebra mane. And then just keep squeezing him until he shuts up and goes away forever.” –Voshkod

“I can almost believe in the pairing of Fabianna and Wilbur, but I cannot accept the inattention to detail. Forthwith: a) Fabianna has ‘jiggle’ lines drawn around all the body parts that can possibly jiggle except for her breasts and b) it’s totally unrealistic for Wilbur NOT to be looking at her breasts (especially when she has thrown her head back (in ecstacy?) and he would not have to worry about her noticing he is looking at her breasts). If I can’t believe in Fabianna’s breasts, what can I believe in?” –The Mighty Captain E

“Cayla wears number 143 because that’s her place on Les’s list of priorities.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Choose wisely, Jeffy. ‘Son of Barfy’ would be a ridiculous serial killer name. You want headlines you won’t be embarrassed to paste in your scrapbook.” –Charles Nelson,Really!

“You gotta admit, that’s a lot of headflesh between Jeffy’s frontal cortex and his hands, so it’s understandable that some signals might get a little backed up.” –Vulcan With a Mullet

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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LOS ANGELES PEOPLE! Come to The Clubhouse in Los Feliz tonight to enjoy the live comedy show I produce and perform in, The Internet Read Aloud! You will in no way regret it! Here’s the Facebook event.

ALL PEOPLE EVERYWHERE! Please enjoy your comment of the week!

“Once a plugger forms a mental image of Miss Kitty nude, nothing else will satisfy his carnal needs.” –Left Nut

Please also enjoy your hilarious runners up!

“I call bullshit. No way does that family have books that thick.” –Ruth McIlhenny, on Facebook

“Yeah, I don’t blame you for not wanting to go back to your house. It’s a dump compared this palace I’ve got here. We have horses, Rand, actual goddamned horses. What’ve you got? A CRT television and a pile of decapitated teddy bears? Sad. Anyway, you were saying something about your … wife, I think it was? Continue.” –Joe Blevins

“Actually, if Wilbur’s finding love in Colombia, then I can only hope this means he’s wandered into one of Gabriel García Márquez’s magical realist masterpieces. Fingers crossed he either indulges in a series of surreal and deeply taboo sexual trysts that metaphorically symbolize neo-colonialism in South America, or gets cholera.” –Schroduck

“Iris reminds me of what it was like to be young and in love, when I was so nervous about calling my special someone on the phone that I, too, would bite chunks out of a cylinder of frozen concentrated orange juice to calm myself.” –DaveInPgh

“Today’s strip would actually be funny if it turned out it’s taking place when Marvin is, say, 15.” –BigTed

“Thank goodness they skipped all the boring stuff where Wilbur went to an exotic foreign location, met a fascinating person, and fell in love with her. All we want to see is him breaking the news to Iris over Skype.” –Peanut Gallery

“You’re right, I’m deteriorating quickly! Good thing I brought an army of goons. It will ease my passing to watch them tear your limbs off and consume them in front of you as you lay screaming. ” –Hogen the Mogen

“I think writing the promotional banner in Lisa’s own blood (which Les keeps in a jar on his mantel) is a little over the top.” –Tom the Sailor Man

“So, anyway, this is the first yard work Leroy’s done in months, so the threesome’s going to have to wait.” –RogerBW

“Good ol’ South Nakota U.” –Theresa C., on Twitter

“‘Did you wash your hands before dinner, Ditto?’ ‘Yes, and I can prove it. [Empties white bag full of severed hands on the dinner table.] See, mother! See how all my hands glisten as if covered in the morning dew? I spent hours washing them, cleaning gently under the fingernails, just so you could see how clean my hands are! At least, those hands. These hands, these accursed hands at the ends of my arms, are so soiled with brutality that they’ll never come clean. [Scene from Quentin Tarantino’s MacDitto]’” –Voshkod

“The bald guy is taking this whole thing pretty hard. I think we are actually seeing a superhero origin story unfold. Soon, he will become ‘The Authenticator’ and dedicate his life to stopping counterfeiters. By ‘soon,’ I mean August 2019.” –Drew Funk

“‘What sort of person would try to cheat folks by selling forgeries, anyhow?’ Oh, oh, I know this one! The answer’s ‘forgers’, right? Pick me, teacher, pick me!” –Just John

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.