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It’s the first Friday of the month, everyone, and you know what that means: my live comedy variety show, The Internet Read Aloud, is happening Los Angeles tonight!

That’s a murderer’s row of comics, two of whom are out of town visitors who you probably won’t get to see in LA again, so why not build your weekend around this show? Here is the Facebook event, to remind you!

The first Friday of the month is of course a Friday, and you know what that means: it’s time for your comment of the week!

“I can’t get past the difference in art style between Blondie and Beetle Bailey. Just look at the way Dagwood’s hand clasps Sarge’s crude meat mitten. I can’t help but think Blondie’s world is one where the security of the United States is defended by horrifying golems of flesh, cruel mockeries of humanity, grown in a facility by the government. ‘We sure do live in the right neighborhood,’ says Dagwood, ‘here our suburban idyll is maintained by the constant patrol of Neighborhood Sarges, their oversized eyes and ears all-seeing and all-hearing. Those unfortunates in the lower Districts must fend for themselves against the Wasteland Marauders and mutant gangs.’” –BananaSam

Your runners up are also very funny!

“But, this being a legacy strip, we have to get an arbitrary golf reference in.” –Pozzo

“NOT MENACING: ‘And that’s the story of David and Goliath.’ MENACING: ‘And that’s the story of David and Saul.’” –Chyron HR

“If Crankshaft takes place a decade in the past, the only drones the average person was familiar with back then were million-dollar military Predators, which gives me hope that at some point a Hellfire missile is going to flatten Crank. Perhaps that’s why the explosions finally stopped.” –Schroduck

“Pluggers have been worried for decades that Chuck McCann may be able to peek at them through their medicine cabinets, but their real worry is that he’ll press them to actually use deodorant.” –nescio

“The only thing that makes me happier than the knowledge of Ed Crankshaft’s impending demise is the fact that nobody, not even his daughter or step-daughter, wanted to attend Les’ Memorial Day cookout. Only Cayla is there out of wifely obligation, and even she’s waiting until Les slips into a food coma so she can sneak away to Chippendale’s special military-themed evening.” –TheDiva

“Is Silas policing Granny Creeps’ SNAP benefit choices? Is that what’s happening here?” –Matt Algren, on Facebook

“Silas will kick himself later when he finds out what a newt is, and realizes he has a whole barrel of them labeled ‘stew lizards.’” –Doctor Handsome

“Is LA a ‘sanctuary city’? Asking for a friend.” –Kevin on Earth

“I find that flesh-colored thing on the post of Silas’ General Store to be unnerving. Is it an ear? A face, waiting for its desperate, bloody owner to buy it back at a steep markup? That would be ‘need.’” –Hogenmogen

“Mary: ‘I want to take a solo unicycle ride, a vehicle built for one. Along the Camino del Solo. By myself. Because even best friends need time apart.’ Toby: ‘Awesome! I’ll pick you up at eight.’” –AlixA

“Now that we see how low the railing is on the side of the ship, can we do anything other than wonder who will eventually fall (or be pushed) over it? My money’s on Esme, whose lit cigarette and romantic schemes will both be snuffed out in the crushing pressure of the deepest ocean.” –BigTed

“W-who … who are you looking at, Trixie? What’s with that ‘Dr. Evil’-esque hand gesture, where you’re coyly pointing to the corner of your mouth? Do you … do you know we can read your thoughts? Is this whole thing planned? FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHAT ARE YOU?” –Joe Blevins

“They call this ‘frog kissin’’ in Hootin’ Holler, on account it’s fancy.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gormé, on Facebook

“For having the good sense to walk out on these four idiots, Aunt Anna has just become the strip’s first real hero.” –seismic-2

“Sure, it’s a tad subtle for a typical Mary Worth plot, but Toby’s ‘kidding, not kidding’ passive/aggressive summation of the state of her marriage to Ian surely ranks somewhere near the top in meddling opportunities delivered to Mary on a silver platter. Now she can ruminate through the botanical garden of Cozumel or the trinket shops in Miguel on where her particular skills are needed most: helping Toby recover the memories of years of abuse and oppression at the diabolical hands of Ian or helping the Hoosiers cope with Derek’s insidious addiction to nicotine and the women who use it. It should be a fun year.” –GDBenz

“That’s a picture of Daddy in his larval stage, before he shed his cocoon and grew an adult body. Kept the same head, though.” –Steve S

“Goddammit Les, how are you smirking even when you’re experiencing what’s supposed to be a moment of genuine, unbridled joy?” –Ekudamram

“A polo shirt with a tie? Jesus, Les, what’s next — a flip phone in a holster on your belt? Oh.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Luckily, Niki can escape this scene by using the horizontal lines shaved into his hair to blend in with the lockers.” –Drew Funk

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Hey all! Hope you enjoy rolling into your three-day weekend, which I’m sure you’ve already got planned out and such! If you haven’t made any plans for next weekend — and why should you, to be honest, why bother planning so far in advance, life is ephemeral — you should consider coming to my monthly Internet comedy show in Los Angeles!

That’s a murderer’s row of comics, two of whom are out of town visitors who you probably won’t get to see in LA again, so why not build your weekend around this show? Here is the Facebook event, to remind you!

But until then, laugh it up with this week’s comment of the week:

“Pluggers pride themselves on their work ethic, unless it’s ‘women’s work.’” –TheDiva

This week’s runners up will also amuse you!

“That‘s the most emotion a plugger has felt in years.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gormé, on Facebook

“Derek Hoosier and Loweezy Smith feel very differently about their spouses being locked in a room with a toilet.” –A Concerned Reader

“Meanwhile, Toby is relaxing back on the nice, comfy ship and thinking, ‘Maybe if I worry hard enough, no one will realize that I’m not actually helping!’” –BigTed

“Wilford Brimley can’t believe it’s come to this. You better believe Brian Dennehy can afford all the cereal bowls he damn wants.” –Shoe Substitutes

“[blows smoke rings] [smoke rings form letters, É-S-M-E] [smoke letters wind their way down to Derek’s nose]” –Dan

“‘Tape head cleaner‘ is often sold as a legal inhalable substitute for amyl nitrate poppers. That’s not a joke but it sure makes today’s FW funnier.” –nescio

“This strip brings up an interesting point: what ‘time and place‘ is it taking place in, exactly? Certainly not this one, seeing as they’re using the awkward phrase ‘girlfriend abuser’, as if the pitcher is grinding up his girlfriends and snorting them.” –pugfuggly

“Panel two‘s a keeper. I’d advise Gil Thorp to use it every time they just want to abandon a dull storyline (like, say, this current one) and move on to something else entirely. Notice how the woman stares directly into our eyes, hypnotizing us. ‘In another time and place,’ she says. ‘Yes,’ we slowly respond. ‘In another time and place.’” –Joe Blevins

“‘I’ve got the warrant ready to go, partner.‘ In the glorious days of the old Dick Tracy, ‘the warrant’ was the name Dick Tracy gave to his baton, because it was the thing a suspect would see when he protested about his rights.” –Ettore

“Things got very ugly! I mean, like, 70s ugly! You do NOT want to see how they dressed for arguments!” –Brian Olson

“Pest control? Yes, that’s just what I want! Do you have some poison to kill pests that are about, oh, 70 pounds each and … Oh, did I say ‘each?’ Ha ha ha, what I meant of course was about 70 pounds in all! I need enough poison to kill 70 pounds of pests total! But can I buy two bags of it?” –seismic-2

“Ignoring the caption, I’m just going to pretend that I’m reading a furry-fied version of Lord of the Rings, and this is the scene right before Dog-Bilbo gives the ring to Bear-Gandalf.” –DimensionalOtter

“Maybe ‘tax audit‘ is shorthand for ‘taxidermy audit,’ the thought of which certainly ought to freeze Cosmo’s cloaca.” –Dood

“The image of a razor scraping along a bird’s beak is horrifying, but at least it keeps me from thinking about Dolly’s skin stretching.” –Pozzo

“Like their counterparts in New York, L.A. cops in this strip scratch the base of their skulls when faced with an ethical dilemma like ‘We’re supposed to guard Mrs. Parker, but Mrs. Parker says she’ll vouch.’ If only a corporation like 7-11 or Popeyes would sponsor ‘National Med-Blue-La Oblongata Day,’ urging everyone in law enforcement across the land to take five minutes to massage their thinkin’ parts, they could probably clear a lot of crimes and stop a lot of abuse.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“What would playing the Spidey card constitute in this case? I picture Peter ducking into the bathroom and emerging two minutes later in costume, loudly saying ‘Hey, I just bumped into Peter Parker in there because we’re two different people, and by the way you should totally let Mole Man go!’” –Steve S

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Oh hey, it’s Friday so that means it’s time for your COTW!

“Want a tip for another story? Try asking the most obvious question that anyone would think of in a particular situation. You know that suspicious fire down on Main St.? Ask the fire chief how it started! Remember last month’s mayoral election? Find out who won!” –Nekrotzar

Also time for the hilarious runners up!

“If this limo doesn’t take a detour through a cactus patch and a rake depository, I will be deeply disappointed.” –TheDiva

“‘Jacky’ is one of those low-rent limo drivers, with a broken down car that burns a quart of oil every three miles (see last panel) but a cheerful, ‘The more the merrier’ demeanor that makes up for it. It’s a grueling, barely-break-even living, a cycle that will only be broken when he starts investing in whatever that glue is that holds the Mole Man’s hat on.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Since I can’t imagine they have any concept of recycling, Hootin’ Holler Redemption Center must be Lukey’s underground moonshine scheme, where they pour distilled barley liquor into used bottles to hide it from revenooers under the mistaken belief that Prohibition is still going strong. The word ‘redemption’ is of course used very ironically.” –Schroduck

“John Pascoe couldn’t speak. Ted Pearse was homeless. Cully Vale killed his best friend. Barry Bader’s dad killed Boo Radley. Aaron Aagard didn’t eat for weeks while his mom was on a bender. Scott Fowler believed his dead brother was reincarnated as a lucky peacock. Andrew Gregory was raising his siblings while Marty Moon posed as his dad for child services. Bill Ritter cut his leg off with a chainsaw. Molly Kinsella took pictures of herself in a homemade cardboard bikini which got sent around the school by Shep Trumbo. Cody Exner was dealing drugs. Gil Thorp burns down the town every year. And yet, with all this tragedy flying around, the only thing the Milford Trumpet ever cared about was Tyler Jay clubbing himself. Good luck with that scoop, Anonymous Tipster.” –Drew Funk

“Crankshaft accurately portrays generational attitudes toward golf. Very old dude: Super excited. Moderately old dude: Restrained enthusiasm. Stubbly-chinned young dude: Bemused bewilderment.” –Reginald Lansing

“It’s kind of sad that Facebook will ban breastfeeding pics but will allow these ‘MowFap’ communities to keep trading their filth on their platform.” –pugfuggly

“That’s not the real Bubba Watson. The REAL Bubba Watson is left-handed and would never doff his cap with his right hand. Let’s tear off this mask and see who the Crankshaft Ringer REALLY is! Oh. Oh God. It really was Bubba Watson.” –victor

“Blah blah Crankshaft golf story real life golfer DONG HAT” –BrutusJ

“Rex and June have definitely never fooled around. Even their children were conceived and delivered at a tasteful distance.” –Steve S

“Loretta and Leroy go to Dr. Blog, AKA literally this website. What, you seriously thought a newspaper comic author would be aware of any other blogs? The H, if you’re wondering, stands for ‘Hella,’ which the syndicate specifically requested be put in the strip more often because it is a ‘cool fresh word’ that will ‘get the teens excited about our product.’ I don’t make these things up, I just report them.” –Ben Ferber

“I’ve always wondered why these kids look bored as hell in half of the strips, but then I realized a life of spouting out ‘adorable’ darndest things can drive the strongest of wills to ennui-induced despair.” –Noel

“Famous pro-golfer slumming it with Ed? Sure, why not. Ed knows how to operate a computer? Sorry, not buying it.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Arthur sighed as the drunk left. This was not the Summer Lands he had expected when the Lady in the Lake took him, dying, from the battlefield at Camlann. He picked up a dirty rag to wipe down the countertop and cursed, once again, that he had ever drawn the sword from the stone.” –Voshkod

“Crankshaft and Lockhorns today illustrate a sort of anti-Bechdel test: there is only one woman in the narrative, and she exists only via male dialogue and only as an object of mockery. I call it the ‘take my wife, please, test,’ or, alternatively, the ‘asshole test.’” –a.

“If this Mark Trail storyline completely forgets the kidnapping angle and just devolves into eighteen weeks of these three characters discussing hair care, I will give the syndicate two hundred dollars.” –Applemask

“Derek breaks into a full sprinter’s crouch in order to cover the 10 yards to the bathroom door, ending up doing a face plant onto the sidewalk when he has to screech to a halt upon reaching said door. Knocked unconscious, he lies motionless on the ground while Katie continues screaming. Mary looks around sheepishly, verifies that nobody else is watching, then meanders back to the ship, idly whistling the theme song from Leave it to Beaver.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Here, we see both kinds of bodies available to men in the Blondieverse. Dag’s coworker is sporting Model B, aka the Julius Dithers/Lou the Counterman special. It features two skinny, stumpy legs buckling underneath the weight of a plump, teardrop-shaped torso. Dag himself prefers Model A, with its incredibly generous thighs. Trust me, when you’re sitting down with an oversized deli tray, you’ll appreciate having that extra-long lap.” –Joe Blevins

“Playing the long game here. Once Derek is put in a Haitian prison for breaking into a woman’s washroom, Katie will soon find it uneconomical to keep visiting — not like Esmé, whose cruise ship stops there regularly. Just give it a few months (assuming extreme longevity is discovered so you can).” –pachoo

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.