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Hey y’all! Today is the first Friday of the month, and you know what that means: it’s time for my monthly live comedy show in LA, the Internet Read Aloud!

This week’s topics include marriage, hair and hair substitutes, stuffed animals, and inscrutable celebrity communiques. Don’t miss it! Here’s the Facebook event!

And now: your comment of the week.

“Teach me? The fool. It is HE who will learn something… about buying term life insurance!” –Lorne Hanks, on Facebook

And your runners up!

“If we’re going to go to an all ‘bantering inside offices‘ format for Mark Trail, can we at least have some of the signature elements of the strip? Maybe a close-up of a fax machine and a potted fern as the discussions take place off in the distance? Or an intern gathering leftover bagels from an executive meeting to store for winter under the speech bubbles?” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Based on his red cheeks, half lidded gaze, and that he’s lecturing to no one, Hi has been pursuing the happiness pretty hard.” –Alan

“Hi, you can’t fool me with this All-American schtick. I see your Swiss cheese, French bread, and, uh, Enemy-of-the-People cake.” –matt w

“I love that Mary refers to Derek and Esme’s near-affair as a ‘friendship.’ As if those two were just the best of buddies, swapping stories and collecting fireflies in old mayonnaise jars. Mary is the queen of polite euphemisms that are somehow more cutting than just saying the real thing.” –Joe Blevins

“…and make things right between you [hands Derek a 10×10 glossy of him and Katie, but with the eyes scratched out] Whoops, let me try again. [hands Derek a picture of Dr. Jeff] Oh, pardon me. I don’t know who that is. [fumbles in her purse, a length of rope falls out, she spills several unlabelled bottles of pills on the floor. A petrified human finger tumbles away and rolls across the floor of the photo gallery. Mary makes a vague attempt to stop it, but then just waves her hand.] Oh, well. Hey! Ships passing in the night. Small world, me and the Worthies released a folk album of that exact title in 1974.” –Jack Loves Comics

“There are two possibilities. One, Shady Shrew will be very disappointed when he meets up with his fence later today. Two, that’s the recipe taped to the cabinet.” –A Concerned Reader

“With that damned detective and his annoying sidekick snooping around her kitchen, Holly Hippo had to think fast. He’s here about the peaches. He must be on to the laetrile ring. She silently cursed Stoolie Shark for breaking so soon. Last time I get involved with someone named ‘Stoolie,’ she thought wanly. Explain away the peaches. ‘My recipe for peach pie just got stolen!’ she suddenly blurted out. ‘I need it for the contest tonight. It was on a piece of paper from that pad!’ The fox looked up at her with hooded eyes. He pulled a pencil out of his pocket and reached for the blank scratchpad. Why doesn’t he speak? Why doesn’t he ever speak? Holly shrieked in her head. With a helpful yet vulpine grin, he began to run the graphite over the blank page. First in horror, then in numbness, Holly watched the entire laetrile ring appear on the page. Names, dates, location of the farm outside of Juarez. When the little mouse slipped on the cuffs, she didn’t even try to stop him.” –Voshkod

“Holly Hippo is of course a reference to Saint Augustine of Hippo, the true Holy Hippo. The theft of the recipe is a reference to the theft of the pears in the Confessions. Slylock is a reference to the thirst of knowledge for God. The Animalapocalypse is a reference to the sack of Rome and the fall of the Roman empire. The little time left is a reference to the urgency of conversion. Max is Max.” –Ettorre

“Who was Toby’s dance partner at the disco? Entertainer Escobar? Mary will put that photo she’s clutching to very good use, once they get back to Charterstone.” –seismic-2

“Is this some kind of executive power move to asset dominance over your underlings? ‘Keep talking, Leslie, don’t stop until I tell you. Here are some topics: walruses! bran muffins! the Louisiana purchase!’” –pugfuggly

“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into an amusement-park executive. In his struggle to escape he was only able to project a single hand through his new chest, which allowed him to maintain a tenuous hold on reality. His quest for sanity led only to horrified looks as his quest disturbed the placid reality of others.” –Droopy Says

“Two weeks from now: ‘Lesley, I’m your friend as well as your attorney, so I have to be honest and tell you that this would be the weirdest sexual-harassment lawsuit ever.’” –Poteet

“Out of context, the last two panels of Mark Trail make it look like Lesley is giving her boss a very disinterested handjob. Even in context, I’m not sure that isn’t happening.” –Harold

“I’m loving how intent the Blondie artists seem to be to demonstrate how behind the times they are. I mean, what’s in that glass cabinet? A portable DVD player, a pair of VHS camcorders, a Palm Pilot, and what looks like a disposable film camera. The BlackBerry attached to a watch-strap might actually be the most high-tech thing in that shop.” –Schroduck

“I’m more worried about why Dagwood wants to buy a Geiger counter than anything else. There are safer ways to heat your sandwiches up, I promise.” –Drew Funk

“Time marches on in the world of bird journalism as the Perfesser replaces his trusty Smith Corona with a modern day laptop computer. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have any grandchildren who might explain to him how, with Microsoft Word, he can now edit his articles in-program, and doesn’t have to print out every single lousy draft.” –livingonvideo

“We will drop these fire escapes on ourselves, sue the construction company for damages and use the money to buy ghillie suits!” –Zootyr

“Let’s make sure the police don’t notice us! I know, I’ll partially destroy a building! That’s inconspicuous!” –lumaca morente

“So brave of Cindy to take a stand on something that happened sixty years ago. I bet she’s in favor of Brown v. Board of Education too! Crazy!” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

“This plugger will only eat the pluggeriest potato-chip flavor of all: plain. Sour Cream and Onion is for liberals; Salt and Vinegar is for Europeans; and Barbecue is such a travesty of the true American cuisine that he won’t even speak its name.” –BigTed

“It’s Henry Mitchell’s heart surgery scars that prompt questions about his age. Naturally having a son like Dennis prompts regular cardiac arrests.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Dennis distracting everyone from a drowning beachgoer frantically waving for help with ‘my dad is so old’ jokes: Menace level: Extreme.” –Dread

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

Post Content

Hey y’all! Today is the last Friday of the month, and you know what that means: that next Friday is the first Friday of the month, and that means it’s time for my monthly live comedy show in LA, the Internet Read Aloud!

This week’s topics include marriage, hair and hair substitutes, stuffed animals, and inscrutable celebrity communiques. Don’t miss it! Here’s the Facebook event!

And now: your comment of the week.

“Dad, I’m holding court here! I’m preparing to pronounce myself guilty! Guilty of loving this totally adorable teddy bear!” –Dood

And your hilarious runners up!

“The Mitchells sit down with Dennis to watch one of those very non-child-friendly Real Housewives shows. That’s how desperate they are for him to stop emulating those damned 1950s Westerns.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Wish I ever felt the kind of bliss Neddy’s getting from that salad.” –Abbey Spencer Raises An Eyebrow

“What the hell is this? Key party bingo?” –Lisa Evans, on Facebook

“DEREK! HELLO! DON’T YOU IGNORE ME! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR PERFECTLY WELL! YOU’RE JUST GIVING ME MEDDLING MATERIAL! DON’T MAKE ME INVENT AN ENTIRELY NEW FORM OF HEARING AID, BECAUSE SO HELP ME GOD!” –Applemask

“Ever notice how the Wilsons look nearly identical, like the same person in two different outfits? I’m wondering if ‘Mrs’ Wilson is noticing for the first time that there’s only one person in her wedding photos and is this strip is about to take a horror-movie twist.” –pugfuggly

“Mad props to Mary for getting the timing just right (’cause you know she’s omnipotent and has witnessed everything that’s happened). She knew that she would worm her way into Derek and Katie’s relationship eventually, but she didn’t want to spoil it by jumping in too soon. ‘Non-smoking non-drama? Oh, that’s just the warm-up. Ship’s entertainer making googly eyes at a husband in front of the wife? No, not yet. Same entertainer locks said wife in a bathroom at port? Patience, dear. Cat-fight on a rain-slicked deck that nearly ends in manslaughter? I know what you’re thinking, but it’s still too soon. Husband staring blankly at a wall of photographs? Now. NOW! DEREK! HELLO!’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Wine? How depraved!” –Dale Kohler, on Facebook

“Wait. The bank robbers bring their own soundtrack? And it’s ‘Tubthumping’? And they’re in costume? Are we sure they’re the bad guys?” –Janna, on Twitter

“Everyone knows that step one in a successful bank robbery is to loudly announce your name.” –Andrew

“I will be so disappointed when this storyline ends without a threesome between Derek, Abbey, and Mary. Or any threesome at all. It’s a cruise, there should be threesomes.” –Ekudamram

“The odd thing is, he’s going to see his optometrist (but he’s hoping to get lucky).” –Pozzo

“It all started with my craving to smoke … and escalated from there … now I’m looking at pictures of my fellow passengers to see which one might have the largest pituitary gland. Nicotine just doesn’t cut it anymore, know what I mean?” –Voshkod

“I like to think that as Mary says this she’s using her powers to become a roiling mass of ears and then shoulders, like a playful spirit.” –Jack Loves Comics

“Mark’s Water-World boat/automobile/airplane/island explosion apparently left poor Mr. Elvgren nearly deaf, and now people have to holler at him from only three feet away. It’s no wonder that he regularly grills his employees to make sure that none of them have had any further contact with Mark!” –seismic-2

“Humanity almost went extinct after the I Read It On The Internet Act of 2030, while cow scientists used human smallpox to develop a vaccine against cowpox. Natural selection, I call it!” –Ettore

“These panels take place in Slylock’s imagination. Residents of New Earth never realized that taking on humanoid bodies would also cause them to be vulnerable to infections that had never threatened animals before. Now the forest-dwellers are all dangerously ill, with nothing to help them but Count Weirdly’s ineffective ‘medicinal herbs.’ And the great fox detective himself is lost in a fever dream, living inside a utopian neighborhood his brain has constructed from a vague understanding of the past and an ancient copy of The Saturday Evening Post he found long ago in the smoldering ruins of a public library.” –BigTed

“CIA: ‘Here, show us on this teddy bear where you would want April to touch you if she was aliv– ummm … I mean if she was here. And alive. Not dissolving in a vat underne… I’ve said too much.’” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“You’re also a plugger if you wear a wicker jacket as part of a bizarre folk remedy meant to ward off liberals, the evil spirits that inhabit modern technology, and the plague.” –Escape Zeppelin

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

Post Content

Your top comment: now!

“Xenarthra also includes sloths. Maybe the armadilloid will see our lackadaisical hero as more kin than food.” –Perky Bird

Your runners up: here!

“Hi got stuck in a dead-end job complete with a private window office in a downtown corporate center. By this point in his life he had always assumed he’d be perched atop a throne made from his enemy’s skulls watching the flames consume their civilization like broken up palates in a backyard firepit. Alas.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Behind Holly’s shoulder, a member of the audience is apparently congratulating the actress who plays L’il Mama by … rubbing her scalp? Is this a strange tradition at this hippy-dippy performing arts school, or is it a weird way that folks in this community have of displaying affection? Or are we finally getting to the real medical drama in this story arc, which is an infestation of head lice? I have no idea what is going on here, other than that it is more interesting than the relationship between Niki and Kelly, of course.” –seismic-2

“Happy Coddle Hi’s Fragile Male Ego Day!” –TheDiva

“[Cut to Derek, mouth stuffed with cigarettes like a hole plugged with pipecleaners, obstinately playing the slots in the casino on deck 4 while the moon menaces him romantically through a porthole]” –Jack Loves Comics

“The proper response to this question in the Funkyverse is ‘I have cancer.'” –Harold Jenkins, on Facebook

“I’ll forgive Spidey for his lack of knowledge on mammalia (though the ‘man’ part of ‘Spiderman’ belongs to this class). He should know just from occupational trivia that class insecta is distinctly different than class arachnid, though they both belong to phylum arthropoda. True, that’s a mouthful for a witty riposte when some villain calls him a ‘bug’, but he should know the difference. Doc Oc: ‘I’ll crush you like the bug you are!’ Spidey: ‘You’re a doctor, but did you know… [10 minutes later] See, octopuses are in class cephalopoda in phylum mollusca. It goes kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus species. But you’re right, it is considered rude to use the plural octopi.’” –Hogen the Mogen

“I don’t follow their continuity reboots that closely anymore, so I had no idea the most recent one merged Westview into the DC Universe. No wonder everyone hated it so much!” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Bravo to Hi for learning that first world problems require first world passive-aggressiveness.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Hi and Lois also nods to contemporary life by making its office environment a bleak, featureless purgatory. Well, back to writing marketing copy!” –Steve S

“We’ve secretly replaced Esme’s cigarette with a road flare. Let’s see if she notices!” –Dmsilev

“What does Hi have against picnics? Does he think organizing one shouldn’t be part of his job as Business-Suited Laptop Guy? Did Yogi Bear hit on Lois the last time they vacationed at Jellystone Park? Whatever the reason for Hi’s downward spiral, by the time he puts this event together two months from now, I think we can expect the bug juice to be heavily spiked with Smirnoff.” –BigTed

“Now we see what happens without the Thin Grey Line of Mary’s meddling — a quick and ugly reversion to the state of nature. I know you’re on vacation, Mary (and it’s after 8:30 pm), but won’t you please give pithy advice about something that’s none of your business just this one time?” –Adam Menendez

“I don’t know what Chicken Lady’s problem is. That’s a normal-size cup of coffee; he is a dog.” –Dog

“This is quite the twist. Will locked-in-bathroom wife now be locked-in-brig wife? Where the currency is, ironically, cigarettes?” –Janna, on Twitter

“Considering how pro-cruise this storyline was at the outset, I anticipate a speedy rescue of Esme and much exposition by Mary about how really really really safe sea travel is and how hardly anyone takes cruises to kill themselves or their spouses or their spouses’ lovers.” –Lorne

“Yep, since it’s raining there’s no way for them to kill us n[is repeatedly stabbed]” –pugfuggly

“For pity’s sake, Poulet, now is your chance. The Legion has fallen, the fort’s aflame, the Front de Libération Nationale forces are upon you. Go out like a man, pull out your pistol, aim low, and smear Crock’s brains across the sand. Then, and only then, can you go to your God like a soldier.” –Voshkod

“So, you see, Cherry, ‘dead end‘ is sort of a pun — a play on words, if you will — because the driver of the truck died. That’s why I said it.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Oh, okay. Now, I get why Mary is so thrilled about cruises. In addition to the food, activities, and ports of call, there’s also the incredible God-like power you feel as you hold another human’s life in your hands.” –Dread

“KATIE: Folks, we’ve had a lot of fun here today, but you know what’s not fun? [turns cap backwards, straddles chair] Murdering women for adultery.” –Dan

“What? No description of how the cliffs were formed through centuries of erosion? And are they limestone? Sandstone? Dammit, man, I need details! Details!” –Joe Blevins

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.