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Hey guys, it’s the first Friday of the month, and you (hopefully?) know what that means by now: if you’re in Los Angeles, you are required by law to come see The Internet Read Aloud, a Internet-derived live comedy show I host, tonight!

The show, the performers in it: it’s good, and we’re good. Come on out!

And with that sordid promotion of my brand out of the way, I present to you: your comment of the week!

“I like to think that the Spirit is holding the cover for one of those tortilla warmer things that they have in Mexican restaurants. It also pleases me to think that his agenda for the day goes something like this: 1. Crimefighting 2. Fajitas 3. More crimefighting” –Alex

And your extremely hilarious runners up!

“Ed’s there to have his hat surgically removed. I see they managed to get the red windbreaker off, probably with the assistance of a male nurse.” –Rusty

“This whole thing would seem classier if it were in black-and-white and Hagar and Helga spoke in stiffly-translated Swedish. Max von Sydow and Liv Ullmann are both still around, right? ‘Cleanliness is an option available to the least of us.’ ‘Indeed. It might be preferable to keep company with swine.’ [meaningful silence]” –Joe Blevins

“I was just thinking about wolves! And also vampires, fanciful creatures that arise by night to feast on the blood of the living, preferring the youthful as a way of extending their own immortality. [Sips coffee] So … where is Rusty?” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Boy, Thirsty there sure has a nice desk and padded chair and a big ol’ window facing the street. Is he Executive VP for Slacking Off or Removing the Last Shred of Hope and Cheer from Employees?” –Pinchers von Shellington IV

“I honestly wonder what a ‘diet’ might be in the context of Hootin’ Holler. Is that when you switch from hog’s fat to rendered squirrel paste on your toast? (And by toast I mean acorn-meal patty).” –pugfuggly

“The image of the Phantom giving birth to Orson Wells is going to haunt me for a while. I assume the man-infant’s first words involved Paul Masson wine.” –Voshkod

“Uh-oh — looks like there’s going to be a primary-colored hat mix-up in Dick Tracy. Chaos will ensue.” –Pozzo

“This is a good place for a product placement. ‘She’s popping Oxycodone like Tic Tacs. And she’s popping Tic Tacs like Oxycodone, because they are so good and refreshing!'” –Ettore

“Subject does not notice or does not care that many kitchen objects are simply floating in empty space. Instead appears to be simply content to interact with miniature dog archetype within the VR ether realm. No discernible value from continued mind harvesting at this point. Suggest termination and incineration as per protocols.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Today, the cast of Mark Trail demonstrates different ways to mishandle an offer in improv after someone in the audience yells ‘bear!’” –Steve S

“It’s 11:00 AM EST. How many times have you dropped the phrase ‘A bear isn’t going to help that at all!’ into conversation so far today?” –seismic-2

“In my memory, the Phantom universally deals with crises in a cool, collected manner even when dishing out brutal justice with gun and fist. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen him mad, not to mention flame-demon-conjuring hate-drool-producing universe-warping fury. Does he not know there are a lot of tools now that make brand-promotion and content sharing much simpler, especially across multiple platforms?” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Is that the giant Owl Shrine from Bohemian Grove, secret club of the rich and powerful? If Mark, Cherry, and Rusty run Bohemian Grove, that goes a long way to explaining why the world is so fucked up.” –nescio

“I’m here for you, Tommy. Because I’m your mom and we live in the same house. Actually, it would be hard to avoid talking with each other since we’re the only ones living there. Don’t thank me — I’m glad to do it!” –But What Do I Know?

“Les printing out the single sentence he wrote so far instead of just showing the screen strikes me as an incredibly sarcastic and passive-aggressive way to respond to being asked to show your work.” –Noel

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardback, paperback, or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Hello all! Do you enjoy funny comments? Well, enjoy this one, which is your top comment of the week, as selected … by me!

“‘I’ve got a lot of living left to do!’ says Horrible Hank as he steps off the plane, falls from the ramp to the tarmac, and breaks his neck, just the way he wrote it in ‘One-Way Ticket to the Pearly Gates,’ Horrible Hank’s Tales to Depress, issue #38.” –seismic-2

These runners up are also extremely hilarious!

“Dirty’s back! And I love the way he wears his eyepatch strap at a rakish, if logically impossible, angle. Unless he’s holding it on with electrical tape, which is even more stupendous.” –Pat Ferruzza, on Facebook

“It doesn’t really matter what Gen. Halftrack says, since the interviewer isn’t recording their talk and is barely even taking notes. I’m guessing he’s not really a reporter anyway, but a guy from the Army Psychological Division whose only real job is to check a box saying ‘Crazy’ or ‘Not Crazy.’” –BigTed

“Wait ’til your father hears about this! I’m going to talk to him right … OH DEAR CHRIST HIS FACE! WHERE IS HIS FACE?” –Joe Blevins

“Ha ha, who does Alice think she’s kidding with that ‘OMG?’ I mean come on, given Dennis’s age, she’d probably be… [counts mentally] …oh. Mid-thirties. If not younger. [stares out at the horizon] [walks silently into the ocean]” –Dan

“It’s not surprising that events in this strip occur out of time sequence. With the regular trips Alice takes to 1952 to buy Dennis his clothes and to get her hair done, that’s got to put a lot of strain on the space/time continuum. Something’s bound to break sooner or later.” –Larry McAwful

“Leave it to Marvin to envision a future survival scenario where he uses his own urine to rehydrate his freeze dried urine into some kind of Super Urine. Is this strip originally from Germany?” –Mikey

“I’m trying to figure out the original caption by reading the expressions. PJ is almost levitating with excitement, Dolly is smirking like Les Moore, Jeffy is not only smirking but has his arms folded in defiance, as if to say ‘Here’s something we know you’ll hate but you can’t do anything about,’ and Thel’s expression of dismay is weary enough that we know she’s been through this before. I think it’s ‘Daddy’s man-trap caught another heathen! Will you help us bury it when we’re done?’” –matt w

“Yeah, with these new flat screen TVs you can place them at any random angle near your chair. You don’t have to look straight at them to enjoy viewing goodness. I often let CSI: Wherever reruns waft gently over my profile of an evening, and I never have to worry about eye strain or radiation burns.” –made of wince

“WAY TO DISTRACT HIM, BUDDY! I’LL SHOOT SOME WEBBING! OH NO, HE DODGED IT! HOW DOES HE ANTICIPATE MY EVERY MOVE?!?!” –pugfuggly

“And if the beholder has hair growing out of his eyeballs, well, God help us all.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Big product placement for TEK™ luggage, the preferred luggage of thieves!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“He died doing something he loved: inconveniencing stewardesses.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Today’s strip is a setup for an exciting new plotline: Junior is disappointed that the old man can’t hold his liquor and passes out after three, maybe four gin and tonics. Wait, did I say ‘exciting’? Sorry, I temporarily forgot what that word meant.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“OK, so there’s a dog-woman (and I’m being kind here) with cat-eye glasses, rockin’ the Flintstone jewelry, all knockers-up, just waiting for some other abomination of nature to come along and Plugger. Is that it, Amy R. of Dallas, Texas? Is that it?” –Deacon Blues

“That sort of looks like an eagle, or maybe a griffin, on Dirty’s fake passport. Still, there should be no problem since it’s signed by King Leopold himself.” –Downpuppy

“Coach Kaz seems to be stuck in a Benjamin Button kind of situation, aging backwards in fashion sense. A decade ago he wore open-collar polo shirts and gelled his hair up into a terrible spiky Smash Mouth do. Now he’s rocking the Flock of Seagulls look with a sideburns and free-flowing mullet. Looking forward to the Coach rediscovering bell-bottoms soon.” –Schroduck

“‘What is your purpose for traveling to America, Mister … Smith?’ ‘Spores! I’m being driven by a parasitic fungus to climb to the top of the Empire State Building and then my head’s going to explode and I’ll release this cargo of spores across New York City and … Sport. I mean sport.’” –Voshkod

“I think the cruelest interpretation of FW, within reason, would be that the cop is completely genuine about loving the pizza, and is now writing the ticket with sorrow in his heart because he can’t mitigate the ticket even for the owner of the restaurant he enjoys. So, because of what Funky said, EVERYONE in this situation suffers in some way. Pretty much exactly on-brand, then.” –Enlong

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardback, paperback, or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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NO HYPE NO SETUP JUST COMMENT OF THE WEEK:

“I like to think Gil spent the entire visit to Aaron’s mom just staring wordlessly at her until she confessed. ‘Coach Thorp! Is Aaron in some kind of trouble? Does it have to do with drugs? Or did they discover how he throws games to make our secret payoffs to the mob via an underground Mudlark gambling ring? Is that what this is about?’” –Drew Funk

The runners up? Also hilarious.

“Cherry is really making an effort here. She knows that there’s nothing more romantic to her husband than a dead-eyed recitation of nature facts in monotone.” –AndyL

“Zak: portrait of a man thinking ‘I don’t understand what’s going on here, but I don’t understand a lot of things, so she’s probably right.’” –Horace Broon

“Iris: ‘You belong with your friends. Not me. Because I’m your enemy. Watch your fucking back.’ Zak: ‘You watch it first.’ Iris: [ogles, regrets decision]” –Craig!

“The Halftracks know that they’re almost obligated to have sex with each other after this. Their expressions tell you all you need to know about how they view the prospect.” –TheDiva

“Meanwhile, back in Seattle, an alarm sounds. A terrified flunky slinks into Bezos’ office with a clipping from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. ‘Sir … Alexa’s been featured in a comic.’ ‘That’s great! Trudeau make a joke about us? Maybe Pastis did an Alexa pun, or Bucky Cat got in a fight with her?’ Slowly, the flunky passes over the copy of Pluggers. A distant scream as a senior vice president leaps to his death. ‘Shut it down,’ Bezos says heavily, ‘shut down the entire Alexa line. It’s over.'” –Voshkod

“Slylock thinks Shady Shrew is lying because there’s no way that grotesquely swollen bear paw would fit in the mailbox. Neither would Shady Shrew’s stubby arms, of course, but somebody’s gotta take the fall. ‘Another crime cleverly foisted on someone else,’ thinks Max.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“It’s easier to imagine a plugger carrying on a conversation with a much-beloved hockey puck, the one found in the parking lot of the Ice-o-rama in the winter of ’89.” –Dood

“‘Wait, isn’t there an easier way for a conscious and perfectly lucid person to rehydrate, other than going to the hospital and and having glucose solution infused through a needle in my arm?’ ‘No.’” –BigTed

“I’m not sure the DMV has the power to reverse Funky’s excommunication. Only the Pope himself can declare Funky and his constant misery compatible with the existence of a loving god.” –Schroduck

“Karen Moy has succeeded in summarizing the human condition. ‘I just did something random, and now I’m sad. What can I do to fix this? Short of reversing course on my random decision, of course.’ Kudos, Karen.” –John, just John

“I keep a post it note at my desk to remind me that Les isn’t Funky and I encourage all to do the same.” –Trophy Boy, on Twitter

“I always knew that Mary was a harvester of human sorrow, but it seems especially cruel to make Iris collect her own tears in that cup.” –pugfuggly

“Wait, Sophie’s kidnapper took her because she thought the Spencers have too much money and they don’t deserve it? I hope everyone who reads this blog has an alibi!” –A Hero Twice a Month

“Jeffy, if you’re going to do the Little Rascals ‘three kids in an overcoat‘ routine, you’re going to need two frie– [long exhale] Look, ask Billy and Dolly.” –Dan

“According to Wikipedia, Moe Howard broke three ribs while filming Pardon My Scotch (though you may know the scene from Dizzy Detectives, where it was reused): he was standing on a platform, a table, that Curly sawed through with a power saw. The article states that, like a real trouper, ‘[Moe] was able to pull himself up and deliver a double slap to Larry and Curly before fainting.’ The point is, putting a rib girdle on the Sentry shows an amazing dedication to historical accuracy.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Bosses are the worst. Especially when they twitch awake on the floor behind you, then rise up at a 90 degree angle like a vampire out of the coffin just so they can start making comments about what you’re doing.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Just because pluggers cannot learn modern slang, it does not mean they live in the past! For example, once they thought that cats and dogs living together was a sign of of the apocalypse. Now they know that segregation is NOT cool!” –Ettore Costa

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.