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Y’ALL! You are aware that I am the HOST of a MONTHLY LIVE COMEDY SHOW in SUNNY LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, are you not? If you’re not familiar with this event, it’s calle The Internet Read Aloud, and it features hilarious people making hilarious jokes, about and derived from … the Internet! Plus me! I tell jokes too! Anyway, you should come to tonight’s show, it’ll be off the chain, plus it’ll be over by 9 so you can go home and get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

More information is here, on the Facebook!

Anyhoo, now is the time when we all enjoy the comment of the week!

“Pluggers know better than to patronize any business whose name includes ‘State Farm’. That’s Communism, and, from what they can tell from the nightly news, Communist countries don’t even HAVE coupons.” –Here come the Judge

Along with the runners up! They’re very funny!

“Something, something, Gallop poll.” –A Concerned Reader

“Slylock Fox: NCIS” –Uncle Lumpy

“It’s a good thing that Animaltopia hasn’t yet evolved to the point of recreating the more sophisticated aspects of human supply-chain management. ‘Does Slylock take the container labeled UDS2345923 or UXDE452345?’” –Dmsilev

“In other news, Rusty calls ‘Mom’ a soulless, dead-eyed woman whose very existence has been reduced to (literally) feeding Mark’s strange sexual appetites. Flapjacks. I’m talking about flapjacks. Don’t think for a moment that Rusty hasn’t noticed and is taking mental notes about his adopted mother/gimp/cook-figure.” –pastordan

“‘I still can’t choose a career path! Please, liberate me from the burden of free will!’ ‘Well, you are writing to the right person.’” –Ettorre

“It was near twenty years since Wilson had left his life as a mob hitman but the trade that had served him so well was about to end this menace to his sanity. The gun nestled gently in the fake cast. The target close at hand. For the first time in years, Mr. Wilson felt alive.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Maybe that look on his face is because he realizes that no-one likes him enough to have a memorial run when he dies.” –Maltmash3r

“Peter Parker looks mad. If he finds those no-good punks who want to desecrate Ancestral Pueblo petroglyphs by adding a new one, he’ll tear them a new one with the proportional new-one-tearing ability of a spider.” –Schroduck

“In straight up medical terms, he’s got a funky on his bean.” –Dood

“I’d say that this is a perfect chance to talk about life after death, but I don’t want to ‘floss-ifize.’ Get it? Flo-aaAAAAAHHH–[has soul harvested]” –pugfuggly

“Pluggers go to the doctor constantly, yet they’re still unfamiliar with the routine.” –TheDiva

“‘Expect the second on the next day at the same hour. The third upon the next day when the last stroke of twelve has ceased to vibrate.’ ‘I’m afraid the office is closed at noon for lunch. Can the third spirit show up at, say, 1:15?’ ‘Uh, yes, that’ll do.’ ‘OK! Here’s an appointment card. Don’t forget to floss!’” –Voshkod

“He looks like he just found a buyer for both his kidneys.” –Brian Byrne, on Twitter

“That mass that showed up on your scan was nothing more than a harmless water-filled cyst. At first I thought it must be your brain scan, ha ha ha ha! No, but seriously, you have cancer.” –Mikey

“Not only a closeup of the Phantom’s ass, but the vivid onomatopoeic FOOMP! of flatulence so foul it can incapacitate a man.” –Steve S

“‘Yes, like a leaf barely clinging to a branch Bumstead is literally dying right in front of us. Not even he could sleep in that position so he’s obviously having a heart attack or some sort of seizure but after all these years I just can’t bring myself to care. Instead his mortality has inspired lyricism in me. Like Wallace Stevens the humdrum of office work causes me to conceive of poetry as a world on a table. Well,’ Mr. Dithers removed his glasses and thoughtfully cleaned them. ‘Someone should probably call a doctor.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Dithers’ poetry needs some analysis. First line, images of icing and cake, like a birthday cake, a celebration of life. Next line is dismal death. If I remember collegiate English lit class, that’s either shitty poetry or ‘juxtaposition.’ (Pro tip: just using the word ‘juxtaposition’ gives you an automatic B at minimum.)” –Hogenmogen

“A ‘Now is the winter of our discontent’ reading would have fit well with Dithers’s whole… well. Y’know. [waves hand up and down] All that.” –Dan

“The freckle-faced kid has a lot in common with Gil. They both love spinning elaborate theories about Aaron, but the people closest to them don’t seem to care. Hopefully, by the end of this storyline, Gil and Alfalfa will meet up and exchange notes. ‘Remember Career Day in 6th grade?’ ‘Like it was yesterday. Continue.’” –Joe Blevins

And I must give a huge thanks to all the extremely kind people who signed up to be a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter, put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! I’m taking a moratorium on ad buys because we’re still tweaking the ad slots, but look for exciting ways you can advertise on this site come 2017!

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Welp, it’s Friday, so that means it’s COTW time y’all!

“The robin’s grotesquely distorted size was yet more disorienting when I thought those cats were cows, which confusion was abetted and compounded by the entirely disproportionate house in the background and the overall cracked-out composition. Also it’s January, which is like very much not spring. I guess what I’m trying to say is I really miss Apartment 3-G.” –Violet

It’s also hilarious runner up time!

“I honestly would have expected a plugger’s bucket list to be, well, a list of buckets.” –Dmsilev

“Q: Why is Wilbur’s face distorted so that it occupies nearly the full width of the laptop display? A: It’s a Mercator projection, and he’s near the south pole.” –A Concerned Reader

“Dennis’s hipster ensemble really sells that he intends to mooch off society for his entire life.” –Jon Bennett, on Facebook

“As healthy as a horse. You’ve seen The Godfather, right, Rex? Remember how healthy that horse was? Yeah. We understand each other now.” –Voshkod

“Since I’m up an hour earlier than I wanted to be, as a result of having to catch a live squirrel not much smaller than my cats, which nonetheless one of them managed to haul into my bathroom, I have to say I think Josh is underestimating the both the courage and stupidity of cats.” –Duke of Earl Grey

“‘And we’re going to leave the store without paying for these Freezy Bombs.’ ‘As long as we respect them? Absolutely.'” –Super Luigi 64

“By the way, ‘Freezy Bomb’ is Gil Thorp street lingo for a Slurpee laced with powerful hallucinogens.” –Steve S

“Aaron’s mom looks like she’s struggling to remember who’s who and what’s going on in this strip. Finally, a character I can relate to!” –pugfuggy

“Pop quiz, hotshot. Your idiot spouse has just received two backhanded compliments in a row and is just dumb enough to take them as regular compliments. How many seconds do you wait before destroying him? One? Five?” –Joe Blevins

“I love that you diagnosed Aaron’s mom with the vapors! Perhaps we can see her lavishly drawn fainting couch… er wait, this is Milford, so it is likely a Bauhaus-ian metal-framed vinyl loveseat.” –Skeltometer

“That’s funny. But seriously, the ukulele is just a hobby. Anyway, did you know the medical industry in Nashville is estimated to be more than six times larger than the music industry? That’s why I’m headed there to see a specialist about my grotesquely misshapen thumb.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“They should get matching tattoos of Mary Worth. We should all get matching tattoos of Mary Worth!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“What’s the matter about showing the Phantom’s face on a stamp? It will still be a mystery, it’s not like anyone is using stamps anymore. Speaking of which, they could also show his face in the comics page.” –Ettorre

“Hey boss, we got two more security clearance requests here. Should I do any cursory work to look into these guys’ past, or, you know, look at their faces even? Or should I just go ahead and rubber stamp them? Rubber stamp them? Okay then.” –The Penultimate Silent Panel

“The Brush and the other feller with much less impressive facial hair (the Toothbrush? The Mascara Applicator?) represent Dick Tracy’s most terrifying villains yet — as their uniforms make clear, their mission is none other than the abolition of the Thai constitution and the restoration of the absolute monarchy of Siam. Will Tracy be able to defeat them, or will he decide, actually, that’s just the sort of thing he could get behind?” –Schroduck

“I admire the precision of Brush’s gloating. How many scheming bad guys would take the time to say they were going to come away with ‘$1.25 million?’ Most would just say ‘a ton of money’ and leave it at that. Tomorrow, we can look forward to Brush calculating the tax implications of his heist.” –Randy

And I must give a huge thanks to all the extremely kind people who signed up to be a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter, put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! I’m taking a moratorium on ad buys because we’re still tweaking the ad slots, but look for exciting ways you can advertise on this site come 2017!

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Hey there! Would like a COTW? Of course you would! Here, enjoy:

“This is Molly, my girlfriend from Tilden! We met while we were both trying to get our hair to do this thing it’s doing.” –Ukulele Ike

And enjoy your runners up as well:

“…of PHONE CANCER.” –Applemask

“Slylock Fox encourages children to develop their reasoning and mental faculties. Max thinks that books are only good for sitting on.” –Ettorre

“We’re not properly appreciating the Funkiness here. This is an obvious three-panel joke; take panels 2, 5, and 7 and you have the misunderstanding, the overreaction, the ‘punchline,’ boom. Batiuk runs it on a Sunday so we can have five panels of Funky’s panicked despair and life-threatening driving on the ice. It’s like if you took every classic Peanuts and inserted four panels of Charlie Brown wordlessly crying.” –matt w

“He was probably afraid she cracked her head open on their recently installed stainless steel driveway.” –Super Luigi 64

“As much as the animals can emulate humanity’s clothes, writing and institutions, they still haven’t mastered the finer point of subjects like medicine. Internal injuries? Bandage to the head! Diabetic shock? Bandage to the head! Irrational distrust of the animal medical establishment? Bandage. To. The. Head.” –pugfuggly

“Isn’t this really the quintessential Spider-Man strip? A bottle episode where three popular Marvel characters, two of them supposed superheroes, bicker over who has to drive a car, nowhere near the action or even any interesting scenery.” –Steve S

“How did the dog crack his head due to a subway stopping short,? Does he mean that took a tumble while riding the subway when the brakes were applied too quickly? If so, does he regret having adopted the precarious upright nature of a biped?” –Rev Tardigrade

“‘Can you imagine a great artist like Monet having to cater to a bunch of idiot tourists? To my mind, there’s nothing quite as contemptible as a tourist. They’re the lowest form of life on earth. That being said, let’s continue with this tour.’” –Joe Blevins

“Under old artistic regime, Harlan looked like the sort of guy who’d explain the ‘facts of life’ in a grainy 70s filmstrip. Now, he looks like a Catalan bullfighter enjoying an evening off in la discoteca. Not sure which version I prefer, honestly.” –Schroduck

“The only thing that could make panel one even more perfect would be if one half of Harlan’s mustache were dangling in front of him, its glue loosened from sweating.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Why are you dating some hot guy instead of my dad? Okay, never mind, question withdrawn.” –Chyron HR

“Dawn’s entire outfit, from the off-black colors to the lite-bondage choker and studded leather wristband, suggests that for some reason they still have a Twilight collection in the juniors’ department at Kohl’s. Of course, when you’ve lived at Charterstone, you know all about emotional vampirism.” –BigTed

“Oh, that M. Night Shyamalan! He’s still got it.” –Aphthakid

“My joke was going to be based on how this plotline about everyone getting tired was also making me tired, but I scrapped that idea because I don’t want anyone to mistakenly think I’m feeling sympathetic towards any of these characters.” –Chareth Cutestory

“A tip for Buck: People normally just pay after they receive a product or service. You don’t have to convince the service provider that money is useful.” –A Concerned Reader

“Fortunately, Mark won’t be able to see the horrible comments as his UNIVAC doesn’t have internet access.” –Andrew

“Look how grim Mark looks when he brings up the Internet. He’s found a problem he can’t solve by punching someone in the face, and it is shaking his identity to the core.” –Drew Funk

And I must give a huge thanks to all the extremely kind people who signed up to be a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter, put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! I’m taking a moratorium on ad buys because we’re still tweaking the ad slots, but look for exciting ways you can advertise on this site come 2017!