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Without any ado whatsoever: your week’s top comment:

“Yeah, white nose syndrome. Shame there’s no cure for it, because after all that time I spent in the caves, I think I caught it. Yup, straight-up zoonotic infection. Maybe I shouldn’t have Eskimo-kissed all those bats, I dunno. Anyway, long story short, my nose is covered with white fungus, I can’t sleep, I’m losing weight even though I’m eating more bugs, and my sonar is all screwed up.” –Voshkod

And your hilarious runners up!

“I like his Archie Andrews beach body.” –Lisa Evans, on Facebook

“‘A simple device making him master of the city’s rooftops!’ promises the lead-in, only to follow it with a story about Spidey using them underground. I feel like this whole episode is intended to be product-placement, and in typical Spidey fashion, they screw it up.” –Briane Pagel

“I think that Spider-Man’s NEXT! box is a reference to the OT proverb, ‘Go to the ant, thou sluggard…’ Is the NEXT! box now quoting scripture to mock Spidey’s laziness? Forget super villains, now the Bible is attacking Spider-Man.” –Stefano

“‘Man, it’d sure be conspicuous if I tackled that thief! Everyone would know I’m Spiderman then! I better do something normal instead, like ejaculate web goo all over the ground to trip him up. Nobody would find that noteworthy in the slightest.’ The sad thing is, Peter may well be right. I’ve been on the New York subway.” –David Schraub

“You just know they take up the top three floors of the building, and one of them is nothing but a giant lazy river for the staff.” –Chuck Baudelaire, on Twitter

“Realistic enough for arm hair, whimsical enough for computer-generated shading: everyone set your laff-o-meter for ‘debilitating stroke.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“‘It was too subtle, wasn’t it. Hang on.’ (adds T to sign, ‘PYM ANNTEX’)” –Dan

“Ma Keane wore a mesh bikini to the kiddie pool, and big dark sunglasses to hide her tears and the crow’s feet that makeup barely cover anymore. She stands on the edge of the pool with a beach towel that was chic and in fashion when she bought it four pregnancies ago, but now bears the memories of baby puke, doggie accidents, and a leaky roof that left an orange outline on the bedroom ceiling and a rough spot on the towel from mopping up the water. A mesh bikini is her way of defiantly screaming back into the void, daring it to come for her, terrified that it will. She just wants her youth back, Josh. That’s all. Just for one day. Let her have this.” –Matt Algren, on Facebook

“Dagwood’s weirdest and scariest body modification is forever and always his haircut.” –nescio

“You! Halt!! It appears you dropped your passport!!! Here you go!!!! Enjoy your day!!!!! Every time I talk I add an exclamation!!!!!! I don’t know why my wife stays married to me!!!!!!!” –Chareth Cutestory

“Halt! No musical numbers allowed!” –Dragon of Life

“The retractable disco ball was an expensive addition to the lab and Ant-Man will be damned if it is used for anything less than an office party.” –Kevin on Earth

“What a great night’s sleep! I even woke up!” –Ettore

“Les looks sad and sympathetic on the outside, but inwardly he’s already trying to come up with a title for his new traged-ography. ‘Let’s see… The Silence of the Bulls? …Slow Decline on the 50 Yard Line? …Almost As Sad As Lisa (But Not Quite)?’” –pugfuggly

“Everyone is rolling their eyes at all of this, but I, for one, welcome this development. In fact, I’d like to see more cast members come down with untreatable, progressive, and most of all painful — to themselves and/or the people around them — conditions such as Bull apparently suffers from. Funky can learn that he didn’t quit in time and that his liver is shutting down! Comic Book John can learn that over the years he has inhaled fatal quantities of carcinogenic ink! Les can learn that he has a muscular disease that causes his face to twist into a rictus at the proper stimulus, and that will progress until a mere bad pun threatens to make his entire head twist off of his body!” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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UPDATE: Holy cow, against all expectations, I sold out of these! Thanks so much, guys — books will ship out later this week. If you’re looking to buy non-damaged, non-discounted versions, try here or here, or, if you love the Amazonian behemoth, here.

Hi all! If you read my exhaustive breakdown of how much I made and spent on my Kickstarted novel, you might’ve noticed I mentioned that some of the hardcover books arrived from the printer damaged. The defects were enough that TopatoCo didn’t feel comfortable selling them, but are also fairly minor. Here’s one of the damaged books:

The defect is a split in the material of the cover at the top left — here’s a close up:

While sub-optimal, this split doesn’t seem to be causing the book to come apart or anything like that. And so, for those of you who saw the Kickstarter and said “Enh,” and then saw the book for sale and still said “Enh,” I’m offering these slightly damaged hardcovers at steep discounts! Instead of the $25 plus shipping you’d pay retail, you can get these for a mere $9, plus $3.09 shipping and handling, while supplies last! Click the link below to buy — you’ll go through PayPal, but you don’t need a PayPal account to purchase the book, just a credit card.

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Hi all! Your COTW in a moment, but first: my biweekly live comedy show in Los Angeles, which skipped a biweek, is back, next Thursday! We have many great comics, making jokes about the Internet we all know and love. This week we have some TERRIBLE ’80s FANFIC FOR YOU, among other things!

It’s at The Clubhouse in Los Feliz, 1607 N Vermont Street, at 7 pm on Thursday 8/25! Here’s the Facebook event, if you like Facebook events!

OK, and now it is time for this week’s top comment!

“Marty Moon’s reporting doesn’t generally leave the arena of high school sports recaps, but he just happened to overhear things while he was being arraigned for indecent exposure.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

The runners up are also hilarious!

“I appreciate Tommy continuing his proper grammar usage, as a drug-induced haze is no excuse for using the colloquial ‘good enough.'” –Ruth McIlhenny Gorme, on Facebook

“I honestly though for a second that he said ‘plead drinking to OUI’, as if he was asking if putting in his plea in French might convince the judge that drunk driving was some kind of cultural expression.” –pugfuggly

“I’ll just note that whereas Otto has a proper grasp on how to use his eating utensils and shows true delight at his meal, the Perfesser just shovels his plate of mashed-up glop into his face like a five-year-old.” –Ekudamram

“Of course Otto doesn’t eat ordinary dog food! He eats thick, lumpy tubes of mystery meat and drinks water from a wine glass, just like a regular person!” –BigTed

“Beetle: ‘Where’s his bag of biscuits?’ [six hours later] Cookie: ‘Hey asshole! Remember that thing you said to someone else six hours ago that I wasn’t around to hear? Well guess what, fucker…'” –Junebizzle

“The look on that keyboardist’s face is tragic, like it all came crashing in on him at once. ‘Wait, were we playing for a baby? The fuck are we doing here, Chip?! Why’s that load on the drums got a sailor’s hat on? Why do you look like you’re taking a break from scrubbing the floors? Where are the keys on my keyboard?! WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, CHIP?!'” –Dan

“WARNING: Side effects of painkillers and camping may include partial amnesia and/or loss of object permanence.” –Steve S

“But seriously, boys, you called in Trixie Flagston. That’s good. That means you’re serious about this thing. Okay, let’s talk image. You. Keyboard guy. The red mohawk, the sleeveless skull T-shirt, the John Lennon specs … I’m confused. Help me out. What year is this? Moving on. Chip. My brother. Flesh of my flesh. The striped shirt, jeans, hair in your eyes. You got sort of a Cobain thing going on. I like it. But what the hell is that on your head? A bandanna? You look like our mother when she runs that terrifying vacuum cleaner. Lose it. Drummer. Dear god, I don’t even know what to say here. You’re so wrong, it’s right. Don’t change a thing.” –Joe Blevins

“The kid’s a jerk. The dad’s a murderer. The mom is probably, hmm second thought, is definitely a witch. At the very least we should exile them, but my hope is that we can have some special guests at the season’s kickoff bonfire this year.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Who needs a shirt when you’ve got the warm embrace of a Schedule II controlled substance to keep you company?” –L. Chezzlewick, on Twitter

“Note that Dennis and Mrs Arroyo are eating the exact same thing (green leaves and … black blobs), so the reading of the comic depends on what those blobs are. It’s either ‘That’s funny, she seems normal to me. It’s you carnivorous flesh-guzzlers who are the freaks! You’re the ones who should be labelled and called out!’ or ‘That’s funny, she seems normal to me, given that she’s been happily chowing down on meatballs for the last ten minutes.’ Either one would go a long way to explain the looks of horror on everyone’s faces, which look more like they’ve just heard a barrage of racial slurs than another cutesy darn’dest thing.” –Schroduck

“Looks like the staff at Crock have finally gotten around to reading Alistair Horne’s A Savage War in Peace, about the Algerian revolt against French rule. I’m looking forward to future installments of Crock covering the Battle of Algiers, the Fall of the Fourth Republic, and the riots in Paris, culminating in a week-long series in which Crock is put on trial for his attempted coup against Charles De Gaulle. Finally, we’ll get to see that firing squad in action! They’ll have to aim pretty low, though — Crock’s a short guy.” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.