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Click the banner to contribute to the Comics Curmudgeon. Details here.

As regular readers know, I host fundraisers once or twice a year to support the time, effort, and talent Josh puts into the Comics Curmudgeon. There’s even more to support this time around — behind the scenes, Josh and his IT Department Adam Norwood are upgrading, tuning, and expanding the site to:

• Redesign it for improved readability and efficiency, especially on mobile devices
• Accommodate feedback and recommendations from last month’s Reader Survey
• Review commenting functions and improve them where possible
• Add unspecified but potentially exciting new features!

Please help out with a generous contribution. Even if you haven’t contributed before, consider sending an amount proportional to the enjoyment Josh’s work brings into your life — I bet it’s a lot! If it turns out to be $25 or more, you’ll receive a stylish and practical Comics Curmudgeon tote bag in addition to Josh’s personal and effusive thanks:

Contribute however you like:

• By credit card or PayPal — Click the banner at the top of the page and follow the instructions on the secure PayPal site.
• By mail — Email uncle.lumpy@comcast.net; I’ll reply with an address for your generous check, money order, or in-kind contribution.
• NEW Patreon sponsorship — If you’d prefer to support all of Josh’s artistic/comedic efforts on a “set it and forget it” recurring basis, visit his new Patreon page for complete details of this new option. A pledge of just $2 per month qualifies you for a CC tote bag.

Full details, terms, and conditions are here.

The banners at the top of the page are selected automatically on a kinda-random basis. If you’d prefer to browse through a directory instead of wearing out your Refresh finger, you can find one here, along with 500+ banners going back to 2008. I’ve wasted hundreds of hours on these — join me!

And thank you, generous readers!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hey guys! I’m taking the next week or so off, so you’ll be the capable hands of Uncle Lumpy, starting tomorrow and running through Sunday the 23rd. As usual, he loves you all too much and too equally to favor just one of your witty japes, so this week’s top comment will stand for a couple of weeks:

“We newspaper colourists get a lot of stick, but damn it, today I’m going to show what I can do! Look at the rich, fiery show of the autumnal Appalachians, with every leaf a unique shimmering blend of golds and reds and… [notices panel 2] SCREW IT, THEY’RE ALL GOING TO BE MUD BROWN” –Schroduck

These runners up are also hilarious!

“Is Dagwood having a midlife crisis? Cookie’s bride price would usually come from the owner of a luxury restaurant.” –Philip Moon, on Twitter

“I’m fascinated by this insight into mermaid developmental biology. I would have guessed that a merbaby would look a lot like a human baby in size and shape except for a fish tail. Instead, we see that the merbaby looks like a miniature adult. To hell with the zookeeper — sell the merbaby to a good research laboratory.” –Poteet

“Sam has been a consistent delight through this. I cherish his look of irritation in that first panel after the logo. ‘Abbey! Abbey, please, this is suede! Suede! The calves who died for this jacket were specifically chosen for their cuteness! Can you comprehend that?’” –Joe Blevins

“I like how elderly Rep. Bellowsworth looks like a perfectly-preserved dowager from the 1920s, while her millennial assistant sports shades, a Beiber haircut and is named ‘Selfy’. Just nice to know that the writer holds anyone who isn’t their exact age in deep contempt.” –pugfuggly

“CRT television? Check. Kerosene lamp? Check. Corded phone? Che– Waaait a minute! It’s touch-tone, not rotary!? Poser!” –Peanut gallery

“At the inquest, Sarge swore he didn’t realize that they had removed the lone branch sticking out of the cliff, and since everyone stopped giving a damn about Beetle Bailey 50 years ago, no charges were brought.” –Dread

“I don’t have my books handy, so could someone tell me which Philip K. Dick drug it is that Tommy’s been taking in lieu of Vicodin that’s making him younger (seeming) but will likely have horrendous consequences for the space-time continuum? Slow Death? Can-D? JJ-180? Anyway, I look forward to Tommy’s paranoid breakdown and eventual violent outburst at the pool party as he tries to tear off Mary’s ‘mask’ and — to everyone’s horror — succeeds.” –Effluvius Erratus

“Hello and welcome to Solving Crossword Puzzles 101. Look to your left. Look to your right. Look at 48 Across, ‘French Poe-litician.’” –Aphthakid

“I was wondering why the whole shoe-shining conversation would cause Daisy to look so excited/concerned. Then I realized that she’s in the middle of an existential crisis. ‘Wait a second! Shouldn’t there be a chair next to Dagwood’s, facing in a different direction. Are no comic strip tropes sacred anymore?’” –Pozzo

“Going against Hollywood trends, this modern reboot of De Sica’s Shoeshine is much less gritty.” –Ettore

“Regarding the Lunarian menace, the Constitution only applies to people (persons) — not to aliens. So I think we can safely revoke the ‘citizenship’ of these aliens and send them off to Area 51 for dissection … I mean study. See Alf v. United States, 185 U.S. 592, 595 (Secret Docket 1990); see also United States v. Mork, 134 U.S. 823, 824 (Secret Docket, 1982); In re One Extraterrestrial Being, 134 U.S. 777, 791 (Secret Docket, 1982).” –Voshkod

“The way that Grandmother’s China was bolded means it is a family heirloom from the 9th century court of Charlemagne. Please let Nikki drop a piece by ‘accident.’” –hogenmogen

“It takes serious dedication to your craft to have your palm of your throwing hand tattooed with the number 7 even if you’re not planning on trying out for the team. ‘Every time I throw a pass, I’m thinking it’s going for seven. I’m serious about this. Are you serious, Kevin? Well, are you?’” –Travesty of Justice

“Plugger men are henpecked — literally! (Because they never get to do what they want, and also because they’re married to chickens.)” –BigTed

“I’m thinking how freakin’ cool would it be to have Ant-Man and Spider-Man salt and pepper shakers? It definitely would one-up the Morgans and their four sets of dinnerware.” –Dood

“If Sarge really wants to experience the full effects of Miss Buxley’s perfume, he should adopt Beetle’s strategy of using his hat to permanently obscure his vision. Everyone knows that when you lose one sense, your other senses become sexier.” –K.M.

“Whatever you do, don’t think about the fact that Beetle just had sex with a woman he’s never even called by her first name.” –Steve S.

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history and the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hey all! I have another article I wrote that I think is pretty fun, if you like True Tales of Corporate Chaos: “How to keep IT security together in a company that’s gone bankrupt.” Corporate failure involves a lot of drama, it turns out!

But maybe your idea of fun leans less towards “articles about IT” and more towards “live comedy that involves the Internet?” Well, if you’re in the LA area, good news: tonight my monthly show of Internet jokes is at its new great time (Friday at 8 pm) and same great place (The Clubhouse in Los Feliz, which has plenty of free parking and is close to the Metro Red Line). And it’s free! Get in on it!

Here’s the Facebook event!

Oh, what’s that? Your actual idea of fun is the comment of the week? Well, I’ve got one of those for you too, and it’s great:

“Well, Spidey, I know here we are shrunk to few inches and encased in polymers by Egghead, a scientist who loves technology, but it’s nice to see that Hank is tied up to an old kitchen chair with some hemp rope. Egghead still appreciates the classics.” –Joe Momma

The runners up are also very funny!

“The many punches to the head Sarge has given him over the years have rendered Beetle practically deaf. The sound of mid-century artillery is as a lullaby to him.” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

“Pluggers is funnier if you assume that he’s just desperate to see the football scores while the font-page headline he’s looking at says, ‘FRANCE DECLARES WAR ON PORTUGAL’ or ‘PRESIDENT INDICTED.'” –Doctor Handsome

“Perfect, I bought a million dollar mansion so you can hang out in a 3′ x 5′ crawlspace. Well, the dog is getting you room.” –pugfuggly

“I was going to make a joke about Dog Plugger using the little blue pill to alleviate his elbow pain for ‘sex’ but I didn’t want to visualize a hunched over geriatric dog masturbating to racy chicken pictures but then it happened anyway.” –Mikey

“You’re a plugger if you explain your jokes even though they’re built on what you believe to be universally recognizable stereotypes … because your audience has a high incidence of old age dementia.” –Amake

“Sarah Morgan knows that you start small. She’s studied these things. Hitler tried to start a coup from a beer hall. Genghis and Attila started in tents. This little space, the cupboard beneath the stairs, from here she would start her empire. ‘I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space,’ she whispers, before putting her child’s mask back on. ‘Mom! Dad! Check this out!’ As her simpering father croons some soft words, she considers what she would carve into the walls of this haven: ‘The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.'” –Voshkod

“I assume tomorrow’s Judge Parker will pan over to a dramatic reveal of Sophie in a swivel chair. ‘And Sophie Spencer does not tolerate incompetence!’ [trap door button] Why? Fuck if I know, but Judge Parker characters are all two panels of character development from billionaire super villain at any given time, so why not.” –Dan

“Panel two finally gives us some classic Judge Parker T&A. That’s ‘tears and ass,’ naturally.” –Joe Blevins

“Having shrunk your enemies down to ltty-bitty size for some reason that has to do with being Ant-Man’s nemesis, some fixation with ltty-bitty people, there are several fine ways to kill them. Squoosh them with your thumb. Putting a glass over them and watching them run out all the air might be fun. For god’s sake, man, there’s a magnifying glass right there, and two bugs: do the math! But, no, Egghead has decided that the way to handle this would be to make little rectangular molds, get some kind of epoxy that does not need to be heated to skin-searing temperatures, and put them on the table to talk to them. All to show off the fact that he has neato ‘magnifying goggles.’ There’s still hope that he might flick their heads off with his fingernail, but frankly, that hope is dimming.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“That doctor is obviously new to the Dick Tracy universe. Not only does he not appear to have a pun-based name commenting on some personal disfigurement, he has also neglected to frame his diagnoses in a turn of phrase that acknowledges his patient’s pun-name. ‘Coffee is cooling off in the OR … but he isn’t iced yet!’ See! How hard is that? And this man somehow got a medical degree.” –Doug Wykstra

“I wonder what’s going on over at the Daily Bugle right now, especially since its owner has been more preoccupied lately with keeping three separate men tied up in his hideout. I guess he’s just really good at delegating.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Were the documents properly notarized? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!” –The Cranky Tank, on Twitter

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.