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Your comments of the week coming shortly, of course, but let us not forget two important things you can wisely spend your money on, today:

• Santa vs. Dracula, an upcoming graphic novel from Ed Power and Melissa DeJesus, creators of My Cage. Pre-order and help make this happen!
• [Citation Needed], the book, the best of Wikipedia’s worst writing, co-compiled and joked up by yours truly! Available in paperback and Kindle form!

And now, your comment of the week:

“I like how Toby is clearly just waking up once Mary finishes her non-Cameron-themed story and says Toby’s name. ‘SNRX- huh? Wha? What about me? What?'” –Snuggs

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Margo is being literal, of course — she left Queen Bee immobilized as prey for the brood of spiders who worship her as a dark goddess.” –NoahSnark

“The Crankshaft timeline is 20 years in the past and he’s telling the kids to just wait until they’re older, then they’ll understand financial woes. I’m sure now that they’re buried under student loans and assorted debt, they really chuckle at that poor man’s clever Halloween ‘joke.’ #OccupyCrankshaft” –Chareth Cutestory

“Well, that’s it. She won’t be able to ever leave her 3G cohorts (according to her contract with the strip) now. Too sad. Well, whatever it takes to keep dimwit from a cult, I guess.” –Mibbitmaker

“It does warm the cockles of my heart to see Mark still rocking the pink button-up, though. Everyone knows that mauve is the new khaki, Mark, and don’t let no one tell you any different (by punching them in the mouth before they can get the words out.)” –stopdropreload

“‘Gas bomb–exploded right under my feet’? I believe it’s traditional to blame the dog, Peter.” –Chyron HR

“If Mary Worth had paid attention to Sgt. Jim of the Railroad Police in last Sunday’s Crime Stoppers, she’d have xeroxed copies of everything in her wallet! Then everything would be jake.” –Nehemiah Scudder

“I literally did not notice the purse-stealing in Mary Worth. I am so used to ignoring the impeccably bland backgrounds and frustrating perspective that I completely missed that. Also, to give them their due, I honestly am shocked to see Mary Worth SHOWING instead of TELLING. I would’ve expected it to go like this: ‘Toby, how are — this thug is stealing my purse!’ ‘Mary, that man is getting away with your purse!’ ‘Police! He took my purse!!'” –Margaret

“Hey, did I mention I have a hot one-armed wife and her first husband wasn’t really dead but came back all messed up in the head after being held captive for like a decade overseas? Yeah … but let me defend video games to a kid who already agrees with me. We all have to fight our own battles. Mine is against the PMRC, circa 1990. By the way, kid, what’s with the facial hair? I thought you were like 10?” –smacky

“Oh boy! A whole Mary Worth plot line centred around identity theft, with Mary’s identity getting stolen!!! Presumably our time-travelling thieves from yesterday will head immediately to the Diner to cash in all of Mary’s ‘Frequent Pie-er’ points and tell the sad waitress there to give up on love.” –pugfuggly

“I got very excited the first time I read through today’s Mark Trail, because I thought we were finally getting what we’ve all waited so long for: a storyline that deals with Joe Biden’s infamous ‘lost years’. Sadly, it seems Mark Trail is not yet brave enough to take on the issue directly, and is engaged in a weak attempt to mask it by calling its Biden character ‘Mother McQueen.’ You’re not fooling anyone Elrod!” –Justinian

“Just to be clear: I’m not bothered by the bear being named Honey because it subverts traditional gender roles; it just seems to imply that the old lady’s fucking that bear.” –Doctor Handsome

“The money — all of it — belongs to Abbey. The house, the big honkin’ bus/RV, the stables you are allowed to clean, all of it. Abbey’s. If anybody is allowed to buy a pricey guitar to lure a teenaged boy into sex, it is Abbey.” –Snowshoecat

“They want to protect the animals’ valley? Then why do their actions run exactly counter to this desired outcome? If you don’t want to reveal there is gold in the valley, how about not forging gold bands from gold from the valley and sticking them on the legs of migratory birds? Maybe that would better accomplish that goal? For example: I lock my bike at the train station in a somewhat dubious part of town. I do not walk around hanging up flyers saying, ‘Cool mountain bike locked at train station! The frame is full of cocaine and scratch tickets!'” –geekwhisperer

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Magic on the Line: Not your average heroine! Allie Beckstrom has always played by the rules, but when dark magic and death begin to spread across Portland she must break free — even if it means putting her abilities and life on the line…

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Good evening everybody! Your COTW in a moment, but first two items of interest! First of all, I know many of you fondly remember the now-cancelled My Cage strip. Well, the two creative minds behind, Ed Power and Melissa DeJesus, are cooking up a new project: a graphic novel called Santa vs. Dracula! It’s about, well, pretty much what you’d think, based on the title. You can help them get it off the ground by pre-ordering through Kickstarter! Click the link to see some sample pages. You know you want it!

Also! You have of course already been made aware of [Citation Needed], the exciting new compilation of the best of Wikipedia’s worst writing by Conor Lastowka and myself. But perhaps you are thinking “Feh, I only purchase goods and services that are endorsed by John Hodgman and/or Rob Bricken of Topless Robot fame.” Well, get your wallet, my friend.

And now, your comment of the week!

“Mountie McQueen is just following strict Canadian law enforcement protocol. He jumps out from behind a tree and shouts ‘Surprise!’ It’s kind of their version of Miranda rights.” –geekwhisperer

And the runners up … very funny!

“Since there are no trees in sight, where exactly did that beaver get those branches? Unless it’s actually chewing on moose bones — in which case this scenario is far more horrifying than anyone imagined.” –BigTed

“I love the befuddled expressions on Jughaid and Snuffy. It’s like one of them is going to break the silence by saying ‘What we gon’ say when we git our pichure tooken?'” –Red Greenback

“‘Really? Aren’t you younger than Daddy?’ ‘Yes, dear, but I’m his trophy wife. You, on the other hand, aren’t anybody’s trophy anything, unless there’s an award for worst outcome of finding the condom box empty.'” –seismic-2

“You can tell Rick works in the music industry — what with his powder-blue Members Only jacket and regular boy’s haircut, he’s practically 50 Cent’s twin!” –Patrick

“As we all know, when it comes to songwriting, quantity is what matters. Tommie doesn’t wonder whether her songs are insipid, predictable, tuneless variations on the theme of hoping the right man with a neckerchief comes along someday, or how will she be able to know her true love if his hair is the same color as another man’s; she wonders whether she’s written enough of them. And Rick’s like, ‘…yeah, sure, let’s go with that. Not enough songs.'” –Yahtzee

“I find it makes a considerable difference to assume that whenever Mary has a hand in a relationship, either by giving advice or by directly involving herself without warrant, she dictates that the couple refrain from any sexual activities until she alone has given the go-ahead. It would explain all of the facial expressions anyways.” –R Felix

“Judge Parker: I thought you guys said Sophie was in junior high? Why can Derek drive? Why do I kind of think he’s cute JUST KIDDING LALALA I DIDN’T SAY THAT” –twg

“Oh, right, like Mary Worth goes to that diner for the pie and not for the emotionally crippled staff.” –Lolsworth

“Chip has downloaded the ‘Grammatically incorrect past-tense verb’ app, the ultimate in parental-annoyance technology. ‘BROUGHT, you ignorant son of a bitch!’ is all Hi will be able to think for the next three weeks.” –Doctor Handsome

“I worry about Bobby and Gina growing old together, though. If they can’t see over the steering wheel NOW, what hope do they have of driving off into the sunset when they’re eighty? Too small for cars, too fragile for skateboards: it’s a disaster waiting to happen.” –Krazy Kat

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Many of you may be aware of [Citation Needed], a Tumblr blog showcasing Wikipedia’s worst writing, of which I am one of the two curators (i.e., one of the two guys who finds and posts hilariously bad Wikipedia writing and/or sorts through reader submissions of same). Probably you have been long thinking “I love this Tumblr but I wish it were available in book form, so that I could have it in my bathroom and/or give it to my friends who hate the Internet, and also it should include jokes written by Josh and RiffTrax writer-genius/National High Five Day impresario Conor Lastowka.” Well, my friend, today is your lucky day, and by “today” I mean “today and all subsequent days,” because this book now exists and can be purchased, now and into the indefinite future.

Yes, my friends, this book is now available for purchase at Amazon, in physical or Kindle form! We’ve already rocketed up to 16,506 on the Amazon best-seller list; help us break into quadruple digits! You can also download the first 50 pages of the book in PDF form, if you’re the “try before you buy” type.

Faithful longtime readers, I urge you to help a brother out vis-a-vis this book! Obviously it would be great if you bought it for every single person on your gift list this Chriskwaanzukkah; but, even better, if you have a blog or Twitter or radio show or something that would reach nerds who would enjoy this book, please let those nerds know about it! We are happy to talk with you/write about our love for Wiki-whimsy, at length. Also, if you know of (or, better, own or work at!) a cute little store in your hometown that sells jokey books like this, let me know about it so we can try to pitch them on adding [Citation Needed] to their holiday lineup. (Urban Outfitters, too. Do you know who it is who does the buying for gifty books at Urban Outfitters? That’d be brilliant.)

All [Citation Needed]-related correspondence can be sent to info@citationneededbook.com. Thank you for your time and attention! We now return you to your regularly scheduled comics mocking. Ha ha, Mary Worth, amiright?