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Let us waste no time in sending you off into your weekend, COTW-style!

“Dawn Weston got dumped by e-mail? Is this 1998? The modern young person dumps a mate by pinning pics of dead flowers, rotting fish, and a lolcat saying ‘It’s over!’ to their Pinterist page.” –Ed Dravecky

The runners up — also extremely hilarious!

“To investigate this crime thoroughly, Mark will need to go to both Gene’s fishing camp and to the victim’s as well. But maybe he was actually shot by yet a third rival? Better check out all the fishing camps, throughout the entire northern part of the state! Of course, to alleviate suspicion of what he’s doing there, Mark will have to go undercover by actually renting a boat and going fishing, at each site. Boy, won’t Mark have some great tales to share with Rusty when he gets home!” –seismic-2

“It appears that Gene is about to give Mark a noogie and Mark is trying to give Gene a reach around wedgie. This is the way guys greet one another. In prison.” –LoFoMoFo

“So right after ‘Get Up, Stand Up’, the radio starts to play Marley’s ‘Smoke Two Joints’. Snuffy keeps the funky dance, miming smoking a huge doobie. Because that’s totally in character, right? If this strip isn’t an insane drug vision, I’ve been reading it wrong for four decades.” –Hogenmogen

“Yes, now that Gina’s ponytail is finally going to disappear (please please), Nina’s collar will replace it in my nightmares.” –Poteet

“I do hope that Bobby and Gina have Mary back for each life decision they make to heap adulation on her again and again. ‘I know that many of you think that this new upstairs bathroom was made possible by Home Designs Ltd, but really it was Mary Worth! She made it all possible! Let us toast to her and that small pewter dish of soaps shaped like a scallop shell!'” –geekwhisperer

“It’s not Dawn. Wilbur’s toilet finally has had enough.” –imperturbe

“I suspect Dawn finally discovered Wilbur’s secret folder filled with a myriad of sandwich-related pornography.” –sporknpork

“It seems the Bum Boat’s ‘senior menu’ simply consists of putting a regular menu item in a blender, for ease of gumming and digesting.” –Perky Bird

“Oh, God … NO! Local trout have achieved the power of jet propulsion and will soon take over the world! Within minutes, they will be flying through every restaurant in the city … unless they already are.” –Spyglass

“I married your father because of his excellent hearing. But to answer your actual question, I’ve had about seven hundred cocks inside me.” –Doctor Handsome

“Did anyone notice there’s a number on the door behind Wilbur? ‘310.’ It’s pretty obvious Wilbur is inside his apartment, standing in Dawn’s bedroom door. So why would he have numbered doors in his house? Some kind of bizarre organization scheme. He has it catalogued in a ledger. ‘Room 310. Empty mayonnaise jars. Room 311: Bathroom.'” –Cloudbuster

“A good way to honor your mom’s sacrifice is to live your life to the fullest. Or, you could do the direct opposite: whine about death and spend time with Tommie.” –S. Stout

“Yes! I understand! You killed your mother, I killed my mother, Margo killed her mother! You think you’re the only one who killed their mother! Quit whining!” –Terrapin

“I like how Thel is standing about thirty feet away from her brood (including a toddler), her attention steadily focused elsewhere as the throngs of humanity surge around them, as if daring danger-strangers to just come and grab a brace of stubby-limbed malaprop-spewing munchkins on the way from Panda Express to Banana Republic. Maybe next time she can smuggle a sign out of the Kompound saying ‘FREE CHILDRUN PLEAZ TAKE 4,’ and bring it to the parking lot at Candy-Dispensing-White-Van-Drivers-Con ’12.” –fillmoreeast

“Can we talk about how great the expressions on the Keane kids are? They look so world-weary and callous as a result of their hopes and dreams never being fulfilled. Even when in agreement about their mother (who they all resent now), they cannot seem to snap out of their mass depression for even a moment. Wes Anderson, if you’re looking to revive The Royal Tenenbaums in a different format, look no further.” –Irrischano

“I love the generic travel agency in the background of this very obvious re-run strip. What is that store next to it, I wonder? A one-hour photo? A video rental store? A newspaper publisher?” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Raymond Chandler at the ashram: What do you call a murder mystery made with a cup of humor, a dash of romance, and a sprig of mysticism, then rolled in chick-lit and sprinkled with some hot stuff? Just Stab Me In The Eye.

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OK, well, now I feel kind of bad about my feud with Crock, if such a thing can properly ever have been said to exist, because it appears that Crock is closing up shop, and for … actually pretty heartfelt reasons. Strip creator Bill Rechin died last year, and, in that bizarre tradition that applies to the newspaper comics world and no other industry in America, his son Kevin took over the strip. Except that working on his father’s strip, instead of making him feel closer to his father as it might for others in his position, made him feel the loss all the more keenly. So instead of continuing, he’s closing it down; the last Crock strip will run on May 20. I want to offer my condolences to Mr. Rechin, and I hope he finds some peace from the move.

Anyway, now it is time for your COTW!

“No, no Rusty, the drug guys aren’t in jail. They’re still tied up to that tree where we left them. Have you ever dealt with the federal government? No, they won’t be in jail for two or three weeks, assuming they survive that long.” –cheech wizard

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Dying in childbirth? Honey, what decade do you come from? Update that subscription to W magazine, sister! It’s all about surviving childbirth so you can micromanage your child’s life these days!” –C. Sandy Cyst

“It all makes sense now. Every edition of Crock is addressed to one specific person and/or grudge, and is a complete mystery to everybody else.” –lorne

“Congratulations if you just googled ‘ABORBS’ to figure out if it was a real world. We’re equally idiotic!” –Chareth Cutestory

“Today on Reruns of Archie: that memorable storyline when the cast was turned into a swarm of buzzing bees! Here we see them abandoned by their queen and left to wander, bereft of purpose! Tomorrow: Jughead attempts to sting Coach Cleats!” –Black Drazon

“Look at the grin on Crankshaft’s granddaughter’s face, one of the biggest and most genuine in the history of the Funkyverse, as she gleefully and grattuitously forces him do something he really, really hates.” –Nekrotzar

“Miss Grundy’s all like, ‘Hey, you kids! Turn off those dildos!'” –Doctor Handsome

“The Riverdale ever-buzzing hive mind has been chastised by Miss Grundy, and for a moment, its seven lobes share a flickering of guilt. It leaves the building, lockstep, in unison, unhappiness creasing its seven brows. Then, the node of id, the Jughead, resumes its customary disdainful smirk. Soon, each unit mirrors it, and spoken simultaneously from seven mouths is the final decision: The fall of man.” –bunivasal

“That bus is perhaps the single greatest thing I’ve seen yet in Gil Thorp. I hope we’re treated to more storyline transitions inspired by the clip art options available in Microsoft Word 97.” –sporknpork

“I like that really shitty-looking ponytails are now an acceptable hairstyle for brides.” –Vulvarine

“There is no one on the other end of the phone. Mark is desperate to get out of the long-promised fishing trip with Rusty, so he is pretending to have an incoming call, and shouting to make sure Rusty will hear him from the next room. ‘WHAT? YOU SAY YOUR FATHER IS ACCUSED OF MURDER! AND THE PRESIDENT SAID THAT ONLY MARK TRAIL CAN HELP? BUT I PROMISED RUSTY I WOULD TAKE HIM FISHING! WHAT? THE PRESIDENT SAID THAT I HAVE TO COME THERE RIGHT NOW, OR HE WILL INVADE IRAN? I CAN’T HAVE THAT ON MY CONSCIENCE! RUSTY WILL UNDERSTAND … WON’T HE?” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“How can that lawman resist giving up all the answers? Mark has totally thrashed him in their ‘leaning furthest forward whilst exclaiming’ competition!” –Adam

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Robert Dugoni: Murder One: Grisham and Scott Turow fans should add Dugoni to their list of must-reads. Buy it now for just $1.99!

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Early COTWs for you today because, like all right-thinking people within a 100-mile radius of Baltimore, I will be spending most of the day at the Maryland Film Festival. I expect to see you there, if you’re cool. But the rest of you can enjoy this comment of the week!

“And while we are on our way to the wedding across town, you will all be padlocked in this room. As the ceremony is taking place this building will be set on fire. Thank you all, we couldn’t have asked for a better wedding present!” –Nekrotzar

And the very funny runners up!

“The best detail in Mary Worth is how the taxi just has CAB written on the side, like it’s a generic brand taxi for people too cheap to spring for the brand name taxis with their seatbelts and trained drivers.” –Citric

“The sounds of Lois fapping her dirty rug outdoors while Irma ‘airs’ out Thirsty with a broom handle could be the premise of worst erotica slash fix ever.” –Sciencegiant

“I guess ‘estate’ sounds classier than ‘an abandoned ChiChis.'” –John C Fremont

“I am hoping, hoping hoping that the ‘big announcement’ turns out to be a hard-sell pitch for time-share condos in the Florida Keys.” –Yr Obt Servt

“Mr Blake is so bored by Tommie’s presence that he can’t actually even bring himself to look at her. ‘Nina is asleep, Tommie. And if I ever run out of the Zopiclone tablets I’ve become dependent upon since my wife’s death, I’ll be sure to give you a call, and you can bore me out of consciousness, too. Now I’m just going to stare fixedly at the wall behind you in an effort to shut out your prattling inanities.'” –Higgs Boatswain

“This yammering jagwagon’s ad-lib doesn’t even make any damn sense. He’s just saying a bunch of words in a vaguely wisecrack-y cadence. ‘Your hand? Hold it over your heart, and pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of My Penis! That was gold, right?! Improv!'” –Doctor Handsome

“Good boy, Andy … that’s enough, fellow! I don’t want to spend hours cleaning that hippie’s Brylcreem out of your claws.” –Fats Pinto

“The artists and color monkeys over at Spider-Man can’t seem to settle on a look for Hardy Laurel. Is his hair blonde or brown? Is he young or middle-aged? Is his scarf red or green? It’s like watching Bewitched if they kept changing Darrins in every shot.” –Mcbain

“It wasn’t a kiss and we weren’t drunk! I was just trying to take over his body by sucking what little remains of his soul from his body after weakening his defenses with alcohol. Actually okay I was pretty drunk too.” –Tophat

“Bobby and Gina seem to associate mainly with live studio audience members who know how to ‘gasp,’ ‘oooo,’ and ‘aaaaaw’ in unison at the appropriate time. Take special note of the two gentlemen in panel one who are looking to get in front of the camera themselves with their patented synchronized fist pumps.” –pugfuggly

“The second panel of Blondie is just a sampling of how it went down. ‘Ha! Ha! Couch zucchini! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Couch zucchini! Couch zucchini! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah! Couch zucchini! Ha! Ha!’ They were there for hours.” –Flamedrake

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Do you want to go to the moon?: Three lucky young winners will spend 172 hours on the moon at lunar base DARLAH 2. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime!

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