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Oh, I should never do contests! Not because they aren’t awesome, obviously, but because I hate judging. Why can’t everyone be a winner? Oh, right, because I promised the winner a free item from my CafePress store, what, am I made of promotional items? No, I am not. So I will have to pick! But first, everyone’s at least enough of a winner to get featured here!

Let’s start with the amazing panel itself!

And then recap our earlier entries. There’s Nate and Hani:

Dr. Jeff Corey and Lucy Van Pelt:

Mibbitmaker:

And Ricky Lee:

And now the newer entries! First up, faithful readers bourbon babe, unbuckled and wossname engage in some gender neutral casting and face calisthenics. bats :[ dug up (GET IT BECAUSE HE’S DEAD) a picture of Foster.

Faithful reader pugfuggly believes that Rex Morgan is the candidate who will give America what it really wants:

Faithful reader Indiana Joanna is going for a solo closeup Juneface:

Faithful lurker Audrey offered a couple glimpses of Rex and June as sock puppet monkeys, which turns out to be remarkably appropriate.

Faithful reader Adam did double duty and pulled both faces himself!

And finally, faithful reader langostino didn’t modify the images at all, but did have some fun with the dialogue.

Agh, this is really hard, but I pick … bourbon babe, unbuckled and wossname! There is just something about their meticulous costuming that gets to me. I will be in touch vis-a-vis your prize, I promise, but trust me when I say that you are all winners, to me! bourbon babe and wossname just win slightly more.

And after all that excitement, we still need your comment of the week!

“Due to an unfortunate autocorrect, the newspaper comic team mistakenly created a trans-media crossover promotion storyline for Spiderman: Turn Off The Duck.” –TC

And your runners up, very funny!

“Holy cow, today’s Rex Morgan is fantastic, in the category of ‘Semi-unexpected violence in a newspaper comic strip’. It tops Mark Trail punching out a cop in December 2009 because of two things: an incredulous audience, and boobs. Well, I guess that would be three things.” –ZZalapski

“So they have one copy of the contract, and they’re going to mail it. Put it in a mailbox and go fishing. Is this movie contract for Goldiggers of 1935?” –Downpuppy

Mary Worth: “What a small world we live in! I also use ‘My good friend Giorgio’ as a code phrase for cocaine.” –btown

“How is it that Rex Morgan now has more violent action than Spider-Man? Of course, backing away from a fight and muttering ‘Uh, ladies, let’s keep it civil!’ is exactly how Spidey would have handled this situation.” –Big Ted

“This gum wrapper was found near the murder scene … it’s the type of gum people chew when they’re trying to quit smoking! It is also completely inadmissible as evidence because I removed it from the crime scene and have been carrying it crumpled in my pocket all day! And it is the only known piece of evidence connecting you to the crime! Ha! So I guess I have you right where I want you, person who has been trying to quit smoking!” –Cloudbuster

“So Wilbur’s inner monologue sounds suspiciously like inane romantic comedy movie trailer narration, which leads me to believe he’s planning an Eat, Pray, Love adventure for Dawn, except he does away with all that Eastern New Age crap and goes straight towards the ‘eat’ part.” –sporknpork

“Wilbur made the call his local Jimmy John’s franchisee long prayed would never come. Yes, Giorgio had gotten rich supplying Wilbur’s special sandwich needs, but at a terrible price: a promise that someday his only son would woo and wed Dawn Weston. Life, he realized, is brutal.” –Ed Dravecky

“There’s a sick, giddy excitement to this MW Italian jaunt — just how badly will the fashion be drawn in a land where I can vouch that even the astrophysicists are chic? Misshapen and baggy? No collars / waistlines seen in fashion for decades? Uniform blobs of mauve??” –CanuckDownSouth

“Actually, it looks to me like some random guy in an aisle seat is imagining Peter Parker thinking a reaction to Clown-9’s entrance. The real Peter Parker is not so easily distracted from passive entertainment.” –nescio

“Local litterbug framed for murder by — DUN DUN DUHHH — the wind!! I’m no defense lawyer, but if your sole evidence is something that can be carried by a stiff breeze we might not have an open & shut case.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Technical question: I know that we watch for facial hair on MT characters, with Mike Harris Bush Pilot having none on his chin and being blonde and square-jawed, leaving his alliance in question (much like the also blonde Mounty McQueen). But those eyebrows? Should I be looking at them more as a ‘forestasche’? Signed, Confused.” –Anonymous

“I sure hope Peter doesn’t have to change into Spider-Man here. It’s not like he knows how to re-tie that tie.” –Doctor Handsome

“No, Margo, I mean ‘home wrecker’ literally. Every time you’re around, doors, windows and walls rearrange themselves into a Picasso-esque tangled nightmare.” –Hogenmogen

“‘Did you fall in love with someone new and want to run away or something?’ Wilbur’s editor said sternly, making that firm testicle-cupping gesture they both knew so well. ‘Did you think I’d sit idly by while you tart around? You are married to ME, Wilbur.'” –damanoid

“I would probably want to learn to walk too, if my parents had painted the floor a dark glossy black. Prolonged contact with that thing is probably bad for you somehow.” –Holly Folly

“Why assume that Dennis is using his own teeth? There are at least two other kids in the neighborhood.” –Derrick Schneider

“Wilbur was about to tell the editor about a young journalist student intern that could fill in for him. But then the room became as black as sackcloth and Mary Worth peered through the hole from which she would soon emerge.” –survivor

“Two months? I believe we’re forgetting the real victim here: Giorgio.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Raymond Chandler at the ashram: What do you call a murder mystery made with a cup of humor, a dash of romance, and a sprig of mysticism, then rolled in chick-lit and sprinkled with some hot stuff? Just Stab Me In The Eye.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Hello all! It being the first of the month, it is my day to remind you that, if you enjoy using and/or following jokesters on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, or Google+, why, you can follow me on any of those services, merely by clicking the appropriate links previously in this sentece! I post mostly the same things to all of these sites (links to updates to this blog, links to things I write elsewhere, announcements about projects, links to things I think are funny, dumb jokes) so probably just pick the one you like best. Or pick none at all! The choice is yours.

And now, your anti-social comment of the week!

“In the time it’s taking Sam and Avery to blather about getting ready for a fly-fishing trip, entire species of fish have evolved, risen to dominate their ecosystems, and died out again. Meanwhile, Sophie’s learned two guitar chords and Abbey has found a new way to jut.” –Amy Stephenson

And your runners up! Very funny!

“‘Wilbur tries to comfort Dawn.’ That is the saddest thing I’ve ever read.” –lorne

“After a week or so of strips listing all the specs of Sam’s new fishing rod, I fully expect to learn secondhand that a recurring character has died off-panel in the meantime. Details will be sketchy at best.” –Doctor Handsome

“At this point (yes, now) I’m really wondering who the demographic for Judge Parker is, outside of Los Mudges. I get it that it’s supposed to be escapist richy-rich fantasy, but really, it’s like having Dynasty served up 3 sentences per day. I wonder if someone is lounging around in a villa somewhere saying, ‘Jeeves, read me today’s Judge Parker if you’d be so kind.'” –Santa Royale With Cheese

“Today we see that Mark is slowly paddling a canoe by himself up to Mike Harris’s isolated cabin all alone in the deep woods, so that he can confront Mr. Harris, a once chain-smoking but now nervous, irritable killer who has framed someone else for his crime, a scheme that can be undone only by evidence that Mark alone has in his possession. And Mike Harris has of course already proven himself to be a deadly shot at long range, so a lone canoeist all exposed in the middle of the river would be an almost trivial target. This story arc is encouraging, so far!!!” –seismic-2

“Please, please, please let us be heading toward a JP/MT crossover! It’s a square-jawed asexual fish-off! Widow Chavez turns out to be an assassin and winds up in a shotgun duel with the unknowingly deadly Peaches! Air to air combat between Avery and Harris! Don’t deny me, old-school comics, I need this.” –geekwhisperer

“Maybe Judge Parker could be given over completely to a tie-in with a new Home Not Shopping Channel. The channel would feature products that no viewer could possibly afford. There would be no call-in number for orders. Viewers would see Peaches and other models endlessly displaying high-end luxury goods, and a parade of wealthy guest stars would drop by to affect a mein of smug indifference while the host gave them the merchandise for free.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“I think we’re in for a Phantom of the Opera-type story here. Except instead of a phantom, it will be a clown, and instead of an opera, it will be a really bad play.” –Weaselboy

“You all laugh now, but Clown-9 may be to Spider-Man what the Joker is to Batman. They are already direct opposites; Clown-9 is getting dressed and planning his day, while Spider-Man is laying on the couch watching TV naked.” –S. Stout

“What drugs are they doing over there at Marvel to allow a character resembling a 1950s-one-shot-joke-criminal-from-Batman be introduced as the main protagonist in a 2012 daily Spider-Man comic no one but the people reading this site care about? Because I want some! Don’t those one-step-above-an-intern colorists have any idea how much continuity-arguing and plot-line complications they’re creating for fanboys and comic nerds for the next millennium? I look forward to the day, 30 years from now, when some Frank Miller/Neil Gaiman-esque dreamer grittily reboots this villain in a graphic novel where Hardy Laurel eats the faces off his victims and wears their skin onstage, taking hostages and forcing them to watch his ‘comedic acting’ until they don’t laugh enough, at which point he electrocutes them. Wherein, once again, Spider-Man will merely mope.” –OhMyGod76

“I’m only slightly embarassed to admit that I went through the Mary Worth archives to confirm that Dawn has said ‘Life is brutal’ verbatim on three separate occasions. While not qualified to really offer an opinion, I’d say she’s pretty much out of her gourd.” –Tim

“Shudder to think what it would be like to see Wilbur shutting a door with that determined look on his face, then saunter his way across the room to grab you. I have never felt more empathy for a telephone than the one we see in panel two.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Hello, Quiznos Subs and Sandwiches … no, I will not read the menu to you over the phone. And this is your last warning about this, Mr. Weston.” –pugfuggly

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Terrified: Her nightmare is only beginning! New York Times bestselling author Kevin O’Brien’s riveting new serial killer thriller takes readers into the mind of a terrifying stalker — who is unrelenting, unstoppable, and absolutely vicious.
• Raymond Chandler at the ashram: What do you call a murder mystery made with a cup of humor, a dash of romance, and a sprig of mysticism, then rolled in chick-lit and sprinkled with some hot stuff? Just Stab Me In The Eye.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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You guys, I am very disappointed at the paucity of entries for the Hilariously Overwrought Rex and June Facial Expression Lookalike Contest! It’s possible that the Saturday of a holiday weekend isn’t the best possible time to post such a contest, but heck, I can’t control when Rex Morgan puts up its most hilarious panels. Anyway, assuming that you were all too busy grilling to get swept up in Overwrought Facial Expression theater, here’s a quick recap: imitate this panel (Rex and June at minimum, add Iris and Mabel if you want to up the degree of difficulty) and win eternal glory AND one item of your choice from the CafePress store.

While most of you have misplaced priorities and spent the weekend “spending time with your family” or “honoring those who died in America’s wars” instead of dressing up like cartoon characters and making funny faces, we did get a few entries. First up are the husband-and-wife team of faithful readers Nate and Hani. Nate is really pushing the envelope in terms of facial expression safety, and I like it! They also used advanced technology to actually insert themselves into a cartoon world.

Faithful readers Dr. Jeff Corey and Lucy Van Pelt (not their actual names) also used Photoshoppery to add to the verisimilitude of their entry, or at least I hope they did, because otherwise they’ve either crashed someone’s funeral or ruined a funeral service for one of their own loved ones:

Faithful reader Mibbitmaker swapped in characters from his Pop Culture Kids comic, who are imagining being someone else pretending to be someone else … well, it made my head hurt just a little.

And, finally, faithful reader Ricky Lee provides the three-way soap opera crossover I’ve always dreamed of:

So there’s your competition. CAN YOU DO BETTER?

ALSO, TOTALLY UNRELATED NOTE: I know that many of you are, like me, fans of Richard Thompson’s strip Cul De Sac. You probably know that Thompson has been stricken by Parkinson’s Disease, though he’s continuing with his great work. A bunch of other artists, including many names you’ll know, have banded together as Team Cul De Sac, have created their own takes on the strip’s characters, and are auctioning them off to raise money for Parkinson’s research. Check ’em out!