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Without further ado, I cast this week’s top comment into the night:

“Why would you steal a computer from the library, anyway? Is Weirdly conducting a study on the pornography preferences of the homeless?” –commodorejohn

And the very funny runners up!

“Gee, what supervillain could be mastering me like a puppet? Let’s check Jane’s Book of Evil!” –yellojkt

“The one I’m looking for is — James Carville?!” –Red Greenback

“Pluggers don’t know what a print is. They call it a ‘pitcher’.” –StrangeRover

“I believe the secret to Lureen’s success with the principal is that she’s a contortionist. Puttin’ your arms behind yur back and grabbin’ yur elbows presents those saggy hillbilly boobs in a whole new way. I just tried doing that and hurt myself. Luckily for the lazy men in town, all the lady parts seem to be about 5 inches apart on these women.” –LUJBEM FEJF

“Rejected sentiments Dr. Mike really wanted to put on the card with Jenna’s flowers: ‘Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ Someone killed my uncle which made my father run off in search of his killer and I felt abandoned and unworthy of love but then we finally reconnected thanks to Mary Worth’s timely intervention and I moved Dad into my place and then he died peacefully in his sleep/ But I still want to sleep with you.'” –Old School Allie Cat

“We sincerely hope Miss Magee has a date for the Senior Prom so she can wear her ‘ravishing’ new dress.” –Fashion Police

“Once a foster kid turns 18, it’s not illegal to tape him showering!” –Jesse C

“I appreciate the fact that of all the synonyms for ‘beautiful’ Margo could have chosen to characterize herself, she selected the one most evocative of savage violence.” –Violet

“I’m not stalking, Mrs. DeGroot. Our whole universe is crammed into these three panels. There are no other routes! Where the fuck am I supposed to go? Tell me that, huh?” –cheech wizard

“A3G artist Frank Bolle is a competent comic artist. He was the go-to guy at Golden Key Comics back in the day. Still, he’s probably pissed that he has to draw clavicles and sternomastoids in his old age.” –Reed Hover of Dallas Texas

“Nobody puts Lu Ann in a corner, now that she looks like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing.” –True Fable

“Hey, Margie, guess what? I put the grandkids in the strip today! Did they see it? Well, show ’em the damn paper! Yeah, I’ll wait … whaddya mean, where? Tell ’em to quit crying! They’re right THERE, dammit, standing next to Dennis. Huh? DENNIS! He’s the goddamned kid in the middle, with the cowlick … ahh, put her on. Hey, honey, look! You’re standing next to DENNIS! DENNIS THE MENACE! You know, the funny strip Gampy draws? Yeah, that’s YOU — see? Aw, quit crying. For Christ’s sake. Put Mommy back on the phone.” –Dancing Bear

“Those months and months and actually YEARS of practice-drawing new hairstyles for the 3G girls have finally paid off, like so many Marlboro Miles.” –Tommy

“SHOWS WHAT I KNOW ABOUT SOCIAL SERVICES! HEY KAZ! WHILE WE’RE DISCUSSING SENSITIVE STUDENT INFORMATION IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OFFICE, GUESS WHO JUST GOT AN ABORTION AND HAD TO QUIT THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD!” –Krazy Kat

“As far as crowd-pleasing retorts go, ‘That’s what HE implied!’ isn’t quite in the same league as ‘That’s what SHE said!'” –Chyron HR

“‘Maybe someone at the urologist’s office isn’t a fan of the mayor’s!’ Uhm, the mayor’s what, exactly?” –Dood

“On the downside, I apparently know the name of Luann’s dog without having to look it up, which makes me feel dead inside.” –Windier E. Megatons

“Has anyone else noticed that, as Lu Ann has taken on Tommie’s hair color, she’s started to take on the characteristics of Tommie herself, i.e. she’s become a passive, vaguely depressed non-entity? It’s like she’s been bitten by a radioactive Tommie.” –Joe Blevins

“Slylock may think he is clever, pointing out facts about mammalian biology, but he has overlooked the fact that the ‘Bovine Bully’s’ dangerous metaphysical point about free will threatens to bring the entire judicial system to a crashing halt. ‘You can’t hold Cassandra Cat’s decision to seduce the bank guard, bludgeon him to death with a mallet, and steal millions of dollars from the safe against her. It was an uncontrollable result of her dharma!'” –Nekrotzar

“Psst, Cayla! Tell Les it’s a result of hair cancer! Then he’ll be all yours!” –Mooncattie

“The artist failed to give a tonal differentiation between the under-nose and over-food sections of Cayla’s upper lip, which, combined with her new ‘do, makes her nearly indistinguishable from Bob Marley. Nearly, as reggae actually makes audiences happy, and we can’t have that in this strip.” –cj

“Mrs. DeGroot may dislike Dirk now, but how long can that last when they share the goal of making sure Brad and Toni never have sex? I see an alliance forming.” –Larry Fine

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Is this the first ever COTW post written on a moving bus somewhere on the New Jersey Turnpike, thanks to Bolt Bus’s free Wi-Fi? POSSIBLY! Anyway, enjoy your somewhat truncated (all pre-weekend getaway, sorry) comments of the week! First, your #1 comment:

“At least Lonnie died doing what he loved: nothing.” –Rhekarid

And your runners up! Also hilarious!

“I think I see the Keane parents’ plan here. They fill the pool with water every day, but each day they inch it closer to the wild expanse that is the backyard. With luck the children might someday become lost on the way back. Dolly seems to have caught on, but poor Jeffy will go on drinking his ‘water’ until it’s far too late. At night, the wolves will come.” –TheTJ

“Phantom: What sort of totalitarian police state doesn’t have standing orders to shoot through a human shield? Not any sort of totalitarian police state I’d care to infiltrate, that’s for sure.” –Greenman Lefey

“The look of pure loathing on Dolly’s face adds an extra level of pathos. ‘Insult the taste of MY urine, will you?'” –Rootboy

“It appears Dr. Mike is jumping right into his plan to dispose of his father’s body — namely, eating it by the fistful.” –Reedzilla

“Take a look at Hubby’s itty-witty hand. She probably has no reason to fear any attempt at violence, except him possibly using his huge head as a club.” –Poteet

“Of course Jamarr is ditching practice, because he fears a quarterback who is nothing but a disembodied head held up by the massive hands of some unseen fiend. Gil should be wondering about the other boys, who seem more than enthusiastic about joining in the unspeakable rituals of this coven masquerading as a ‘huddle.'” –Lawyerbob

“Coachy McFacialhair may appear emotionally stable as he disdainfully intones that Jamarr has a cold (or so he says), but look closer. His grin is frozen in a Jokeresque rictus and his eyes are practically popping out of his head. That toy telephone is going to shatter into a million pieces when he crushes it in his giant meatpaw.” –LaurenM

“Do not let that bear fool you. It is not ‘half-tamed,’ it’s just biding its time. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.” –Smokehouse

“I’m not up on the cost of elaborate chain link fences and a Noah’s Ark-worth of wild animals so you could host a big game hunt for your voting buddies, but wouldn’t it be cheaper to just write a news release announcing your plans to run for governor, and maybe having some signs printed and buying some air time on the Lost Forest Network?” –Dood

“If Frank eventually ends up hunting Mark Trail for sport, he can count on my vote!” –Digger

“So young Jamarr will be found out, and sat out for the first two games of the season due to his ‘cold,’ and the team will get properly stomped on and then fall just short of making the playdowns because of their star player’s laziness? Well, these are all good life lessons, I guess, something to think about five years from now when he’s making $10 million a year with the Jets.” –Mooncattie

As ever, big thanks go out to everyone who put some cash in my tip jar! And, while there are no advertisers to thank this week, there have been some exciting updates to our advertising offerings, so please check those out!

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OK, your COTW in a moment, but first, thanks to many faithful readers for alerting me to the existence of the Jersey Circus, which, yes, it’s pretty much exactly what you think it is.

Also! Confidential to elitist iPad users! If you read this site on your elitist iPad, you have probably noticed to this point that by default you will be directed to the mobile version of the site, which isn’t really ideal. With the help of the talented Dalton Rooney, I think I’ve been able to fix this; if you are still getting redirected to the mobile site, go to Settings -> Safari and clear your cache. Let me know if you still have troubles, or if you are using another device of some sort that shouldn’t be defaulting to the mobile site but is anyway!

And now: your comment of the week.

“This is Pluggers’ sad attempt to be informative. ‘Hey, did you know the light bulb was invented by Edison? No, I don’t remember what his first name was. What am I, some sort of libraryman?'” –Byeynyn

And your hilarious runners up!

“My brain cannot reconcile a world in which Beyonce and the girls of Apartment 3G coexist. It’s like when Mark Trail pulls out a cell phone and you fear for the structural coherence of his universe.” –Jake Morgendorffer

“Is Mark’s ass ready for the responsibility of caring for a wild animal? And who’s going to bathe the deer and check him for ticks — you, Mark’s ass? I have my doubts.” –Walker of Dog

“So the Keane’s family vacation is now into its fourth (?) week. I think it’s time Bil told the kids the truth — that the house got foreclosed and he sold his nipples to afford the gas and tolls to the beach. From now on they’ll follow the seasons up and down America’s beaches, living off of sandcrabs and scavenged quarters.” –A Seedy Looking Gentleman Carrying A Large Bag

“The first thing I noticed was Mark Trail’s voice bubble butt (haha … get it?), but then I saw the hideously crooked, apparently four inch nose on ol’ Stepfather in panel one, certainly meaning he’s had a few run-ins with Mark before. And this bodes well for a good strong one-two KAPOW in the next few days’ strips!!! Distract them with the talking anus! Rebreak his nose!” –Wilbur

“I think I know why Mark Trail enjoys spending so much time alone in the woods. Has there ever been an instance when the statement ‘Why are you here, Trail?’ wasn’t wholly appropriate? You could use that phrase to replace any dialogue ever spoken to Mark and it would make perfect sense.” –survivor

“Unless Lucky is a contortionist, Beth is actually riding him like a pony. Out of context, that sounds slightly dirty, but not once you know the context is Mark Trail.” –AndyL

“Remember, Big Daddy Keane, if he doesn’t float, he’s not a witch.” –Master Softheart

“Sorry, Lonnie, but your son hangs out with Mary Worth. He hasn’t really turned out that great.” –Alison

“Man, I am really digging hat-guy in Gil Thorp there. He’s just so happy to be here. He came to party, and damned if he’s not going to, youth golf or no youth golf. He and Andrew Gregory can have an off-panel party to celebrate being the only interesting people to ever appear in Gil Thorp, and also to celebrate never having to appear in it again.” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

“This plotline is running out of twists. The only thing that could take this plot in a new wacky direction is that Dr. Mike and his dad are actually in an abandoned Sharper Image store with a tropical wallpaper motif, and pops is sitting on a massage chair. I can’t explain the sweating though.” –Government Cheese

“The scene in Pluggers makes ‘going green’ look like an inoperable prostate disease.” –NoahSnark

“I think the search for Richie’s killer will go a little better now, since those two have finally developed their mutant superpowers.” –Rumon

“Are you going to beat me up too, Kitty? Well, please stick to the face and stomach. Kat really did a number on my kidneys.” –Snuggs

“In a strip as formulaic as Mark Trail, there is no reason to use a foreshadowing device. We already know how this will end. Frank might as well have said: ‘I hope in 21 to 24 days from now I don’t get caught operating my illegal hunting grounds, have large beads of sweat running down my brow while trying to explain things to my family, try to escape, get punched in the face, and end up being lectured by Mark Trail while a Forest Ranger stands in the background with his hands on his hips.'” –Thomas B.

“A true plugger would never call directory assistance for a number, since it would cost money.” –Rachel

“Can’t Mike get married and have kids and be an alcoholic too? Why limit himself?” –greghousesgf

“In the last panel, Cayla finally realizes she’s really competing with Susan for honorable mention in the Les’ Lifemate Beauty Pageant. She’s always known that the first woman in Les’ life is his dead wife (whether in ghost or book form) and second goes to Summer, but now she knows that third place goes to the Funkyverse’s conquering bitch mistress: Pizza.” –Sassback

“‘What do you think about holding my book launch party here at Montoni’s?’ ‘That crappy drivel? Sure. Why hold it anywhere good?'”–TruthOfAngels

“It’s good to see the Mudlarks are keeping up with their crucifixion drills.” –Patrick

“Today is the first day of school in districts all around the country. It is therefore particularly malicious of our nation’s comics writers to try to pump up the parent anxiety like a three-panel NBC Dateline episode. Will my first grader be safe riding the school bus? Will my freshman football player be shielded from ritual bukake hazing? No, says the comics page. No they will not.” –Guy Neeto

“I’d say Margo’s makeover is complete. Those lovely raven tresses and that smock give her sort of a ‘Veronica Lodge meets the Bride of Frankenstein’ vibe I find irresistible.” –Joe Blevins

“A group of adorable schoolchildren are about to die in a horrible school bus accident! And Crankshaft had nothing to do with it! I know, I don’t believe it either! That’s why the police are already combing his place, give it time.” –Black Drazon

As ever, big thanks go out to everyone who put some cash in my tip jar! And, while there are no advertisers to thank this week, there have been some exciting updates to our advertising offerings, so please check those out!