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OK, folks, this is something I’ve done every once in a while, but it’s been a while, so I might as well do it again! Have you ever read this site and thought to yourself, “The gentleman who writes this, he is clever and talented! I wonder if he would be willing to generate humorous material for my own enterprise, in exchange for money?” Well, the answer is: probably! Send me email at bio at jfruh dot com and I’m sure we can come to an equitable arrangement! (This note is going out to all readers but especially you kids at the Onion AV Club … yes, I have noticed your flirting with the very nice links; let’s talk, shall we?)

But perhaps you just read that previous paragraph and thought, “Oh, darn it, I have no budget for humorists! Worse still, I have this technical material that needs a good editing, and am eager to find someone to do so on a freelance basis!” Well, here too I am your man. Read my resume to see if we’ll be a good fit! (Hint: We will be.)

With that bit of self-promotion out of the way, I now have an item or two before we get all COTWy. First comes this pic, sent from faithful reader Doug, who notes that “Marmaduke has gone beyond middle America to ensnare hotel residents in York, England”:

I find it particularly funny that this used to be a four-star hotel but has since been demoted. Jeez, a few dozen guests get devoured in their beds and the ratings people really come down hard on you.

Also of potential interest is this collection of cartoon titles rendered as death metal logos, because why not. Thanks to faithful reader Black Dracula for the tip.

And now, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Wolverine is going to watch a Broadway show instead of getting plastered in Hell’s Kitchen and clawing up some gang members. Note to Spider-Man writers: He’s not actually Hugh Jackman.” –150

And the hilarious runners-up!

“MW: The Rodgers and Hammerstein line makes sense if you note the sarcastic grin on Mary’s face plus the way she’s gesturing to the two slices of white bread.” –Peter Hillock

“Crankshaft’s All-American Burger Marinade: One package of Beano, mixed in a half-pint of the tears of frustration from family members who have to endure you. Add 1/2 cup of vinegar, a vat of bile, a quart of bitters, and a cup of sour milk. Stir well, then dump the whole thing all over everyone’s hopes for just one family holiday that isn’t ruined by your angry, soul-crushing hatefulness.” –Bob Loblaw

“What in the name of all that is holy is that thing clinging to the top of Martin Magee’s head? By no universally accepted definition could it even come close to being called ‘hair’. I suggested a wad of hot buttered yak wool, but perhaps a live weasel or a dead polecat is glued to his bald pate. Maybe his toupee is cut from a bathroom shag carpet, or faux fur, created from the upholstery of an abandoned ’79 Camero low rider. Whatever it is, I’m amazed Margo hasn’t pulled it off his head in a fit of pique and shame. The only ugly Margo tolerates is her own diva fits.” –Islamorada Girl

“Marvin should be used in sex ed classes across the US.” –Carly

“Somewhere exactly between 9 Chickweed Lane and Luann is a set of comic characters with a healthy sex life.” –Mibbitmaker

“Mary Worth for some reason is resorting to Brooklyn Italian Hand Signals. Her hand is clearly referring to the heft of Delilah’s husband’s testicles: ‘What about THIS? If all else fails, what about THIS?'” –Jimmy

“From lumpy schlub to Duran Duran member in three days. How does your ‘theory’ of evolution explain that, huh?” –Chyron HR

“I like to think of those three speech balloons in the last Mark Trail panel as three unrelated statements from three different people in three separate buildings, a snapshot of the mundane moment right before Squirrelmageddon descended.” –Steve S

“The past few days of MW have sent me to the Internets twice in a desperate effort to find a good descriptor for the dialogue. I haven’t succeeded. What I want is a pungent adjective that means ‘stilted and also insane.'” –Poteet

“Billy has obviously either invented an invisible chair, or he’s doing some sort of complicated glute exercise, either of which is more productive than carrying a newspaper around and gesturing vaguely.” –imjaredlookout

“‘Sorry if we insulted just your intelligence.’ Really? That’s it? Damn. I was hoping more for a Lynn Johnson-esque ‘And so, Ed was taken home to his maker by the M-80 — not immediately, of course, but after months of painful operations, skin grafts, and experimental treatments. Pam and Jeff continued to find unhappiness in every minuscule and trivial aspect of life; Max eventually took up smoking at the age of 63; Mindy realized her dream as a pole-dancing librarian during her sophomore year at Kent State. Thanks so much to my readers — it has been an honor to bring slow, unrelenting death and suffering to your breakfast table for the past years. Beginning next week, I will re-draw the entire strip from start to finish with updated suffering scenarios reflecting the current knowledge base of horrible, horrible diseases.'” –blammers66

“I can think of about 30 daily comics that should always end with the line, ‘Sorry if we just insulted your intelligence.'” –survivor

“With Wolverine’s enhanced senses he should be able to tell Spider-Man is really Peter Parker by his scent. That is, if Wolverine has ever met Peter. Maybe Spiderman is worried that Wolverine will pick up his scent on MJ. ‘Sniff, sniff. Say, that actress smells of TV Guide and anxiety! Maybe she’s married to Spider-Man!'” –The Great Kazoo

“Waitaminute — Nora was married to Tim, and now her new boyfriend is named Tom? Do Shulock and Bolle think that the fact that all the guys look alike isn’t confusing enough on its own?” –AirForbes

“Mrs. Wilson looks awfully sly there. If she just pinned the blame for her fecal incontinence on Dennis, my respect for her now reaches almost as high as my suicidal tendencies due to thinking of this.” –Dragon of Life

“As usual, we can feel sorriest for PJ; carrying a miniature American flag the day after July 4 suggests that he is turning to patriotism as a substitute for the love his bullying, violent family won’t give him. At least he’ll have a weapon with which to defend himself against the ant attacks.” –Jaime Weinman

“Peter Parker is obviously off his nut, asking for double the fee for his photos while J. Jonah Jameson and Robbie have to share a single chair.” –Patrick

“J. Jonah Jameson is totally getting ripped off — by the time those double-priced still photos appear in his old-time newsy-paper, a high-def video of the entire fight will have been running on TMZ for more than a day. (For that matter, Doctor Octopus was probably live-tweeting the whole thing with one of his free arms.)” –BigTed

“Woo, Gil Thorp on Twitter! Hold onto your hats, folks, ’cause the #sexting hash tag just got a whole lot less interesting.” –Rachel K

“I remember when I first read a soap opera strip and asked myself ‘What, are they taking out the interesting parts on purpose?’ And now, today, Judge Parker comes and says once and for all that ‘Yes. Yes we are.'” –Black Drazon

“Cherry is going to a PTA meeting? We all know that Rusty is an autodidact in the School of Dumb Choices and Duck Photography.’ –buckyswife

“I have to say I find it strange that Gil Thorp, the strip that never introduced a character too peripheral to have a first and last name, uniform number, on-field position, and batting average, opts to leave out all the nonessential consonants in the word ‘knock.’ I suppose they just ran out of room, what with Gil’s monstrous paws and all.” –Mollie

“What I deduced from today’s fashion faux pas is that Mary’s powers, like those of the Green Lantern, are driven by her willpower and are ineffective against the colour yellow.” –Jilliterate

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

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Your comments of the week momentarily, but first, a few items to amuse you! Occasionally, people all across America find horrifying things in their closets, like Ziggy posters. In times gone by, they probably would have just burned them in the dead of night, but now they mail them to me instead. Take, for instance, this gem from faithful reader firebus, who did in fact find it in his closet (he claims to “only have a very vague idea of how it got there”):

While the content of the cartoon portion of this image is not worthy of much comment (though I am not entirely pleased by the addition of “…in the name of love” to Ziggy’s STOP sign), I admit to being fascinated/puzzled/angered by the caption/title/whatever at the top of the thing, “Ziggy’s® Character Matters.” Are we to understand that it’s Ziggy’s character that matters, or that Ziggy has laid claimed to the phrase, and the concept that underlies it? Was there a whole series of “Character Matters” posters, each of which took a controversial stand like this one, which dares to say that those of good character would not allow adorable kittens to be run over by a truck? Did the Ziggy juggernaut’s failure to trademark the “Character Matters” phrase result in a sad plethora of political candidates deploying it as their campaign slogans?

Anyway, after spending some time contemplating all this, I burned it in the dead of night.

Also! Thanks to faithful reader name in the comments who linked to this awesome story about the filming of the Marmaduke movie in Vancouver. Seems the auteurs behind this film (already being spoken of as “The Citizen Kane of cartoon dog movies”) set up a kennel for their animal actors near some pricey condos, whose residents did not appreciate the constant barking, and who quickly discovered that the film crew had not secured any sort of permit. There was no talk of anybody being devoured by the canines, which says to me that this will be yet another film that shies away from the raw intensity of its source material.

Finally, here is a thing I wrote, about how sometimes the workplace doesn’t have to be a living hell! Perhaps you will enjoy it?

And now, ladies and gents, your comment of the week!

“Wait, Margo only noticed cows in the street from her hotel room window? How did she get to the hotel without seeing them? By transporter beam? Blindfolded? Being so completely self-absorbed that she was oblivious to the world around her? Oh, okay.” –BRWombat

And your runners up! Very funny!

“A great day for Trail, as we begin with a view of their hive home. Then, we move to a preview of what it’s like to kiss Mark. Finally, we see Mark’s great reaction: ‘She’s attacking me with her face!'” –migellito

“Isn’t that the guy from Monopoly, without his hat? The recession hit him surprisingly hard.” –Jaime Weinman

“The best we can say for Margo’s turquoise turtleneck is that it is alliterative.” –Fashion Police

“Re: Mark and Cherry’s liplock: there is a direct correlation between ‘how unsexy a kiss is’ and ‘how long a conversation you can hold while performing said kiss.'” –Francis

“I’m worried about what will happen to Carpool Denizen #3 if Archie can’t get that car started and Jughead uses up all his cellphone minutes trading lame banter with Rich Uncle Pennybags. They’ll have to eat … and soon. Jughead’s appetite is, as we all know, enormous. ‘Okay, to make it fair, we won’t eat anybody who has his own digest-sized comic available at supermarket checkout lines everywhere! Oh, sorry, new guy … you lose again. Maybe you shoulda tried wearing a funny hat or having a catchprase or something.'” –Joe Blevins

“Luann: In keeping with federal law, Quill the Australian is required to say ‘fair dinkum’ at least once while he appears in the comic strip. Furthermore, Evans is required to include the term ‘G’Day’ to avoid a hefty fine. Source: Foster’s Unlimited Comic Koalas Act of 1987.” –Harry Pothead

“Mark and Cherry spend an intimate moment with Cherry attempting a kiss, and Mark stubbornly maintains his ‘romantic grimace.’ They are then crushed to death by the flopping of a monstrous fish. I think they would have wanted to go out that way.” –sak

“I think all comic strips should adopt today’s Judge Parker format of having the punchline be ‘Surprise! We’ve used a giant hydraulic press to flatten your face into a giant rectangle!’ I’d pay to see that happen in Dennis The Menace.” –Kibo

“I don’t buy this ‘reformed’ shtick of Weirdley’s at all. He’s probably just a ghost that has taken his form. He took Slylock and Max back to the very first Christmas to show them what the holiday spirit is truly about. When that plesiosaur gave his favorite icthyosaur to the tyrannosaur, it changed Slylock forever. He vowed to stop being so greedy and payed for Miniscule Max’s ADD treatment in full. Either that, or Weirdly is trying to set up some ridiculous alibi for when he’ll attempt to steal an orange from a fruit stand. It’s possible that this will also involve ghosts.” –It’s time to pay the price

“I think Count Weirdley’s time travel experiment has disrupted the timeline. When the trio return to the 21st century, they will find a horrible world dominated by humans instead of numerous species of talking, shoeless animals. All three freaks will eventually be killed and dissected by the authorities or angry teenage furries.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“I thought the text box in Slylock Fox was somehow leading up to telling us Count Weirdly was responsible for the death of the dinosaurs. ‘Weirdly insists an asteroid blocked out the sunlight, but Slylock thinks differently. What evidence is there to suggest Weirdly is lying?'” –Chromium

“The most exciting thing about this Mary Worth story line is that Mary didn’t savagely beat Delilah to death yesterday when she failed to use a coaster for her beverage.” –Sheila Sternwell

“Bumblers! Nothing can overcome my agility! Now prepare to die from my Octo-fart!” –sully

“What kind of employment do Archie and Jughead have that requires them to dig random holes? Could it be that they are actually working for the gopher?” –the good ship thetis

“I can see why Elton John might want to attach four mechanical arms to his body. Imagine his range on the piano! But why’s Spiderman after him?” –Duke of Earl Grey

“‘Endings have to be earned,’ Les says, distracting her with pithy faux-wisdom as he leans in to rip her earring off with his teeth and swallow it. I’m … not really certain I entirely understand FW any more.” –Dragon of Life

“Today’s Family Circus magnifies Billy’s growing sense of existential ennui, as he begins to question the unseen social forces that shape behavior: If our notions of how an eight-year-old ‘should’ act are nothing more than a combination of traditional inherited behavior types and social conditioning from his immediate environment, then whence comes the moral authority of society to impose these values on Billy? Who can really say what the proper way to act is for someone his age? Billy will have a long time to ponder these questions as he spends the next two weeks hunched over in the dark of the Keane house’s rat-infested crawlspace.” –Doug Wykstra

“Oh, evil Billy! You knocked over a houseplant, thereby spilling a little bit of dirt on the floor! Worse, you did it by playing! Don’t you know that boys your age should be toiling in an athletic-shoe sweatshop by now? Well, don’t worry, you’ll find out all about it soon enough.” –BigTed

“There is something deeply upsetting and altogether creepy about the look that Cayla gives Les in the last panel of today’s strip. I’m guessing that Batuik was trying to draw an expression that communicated ‘lovingly supportive and patient, yet appealingly seductive at the same time,’ but it came out more like, ‘calmly, but hungrily appraising the subject’s weight gain before harvest.'” –Alan’s Addiction

“The whole cloth diaper thing isn’t that unusual, at least with the folks I know. However, it’s usually something practiced by eco-conscious hippie types, with big concerns about the fate of humanity, etc. I wouldn’t think Marvin’s parents fit the bill, though, considering they doomed humanity when they failed to mercy-kill Marvin on his first day out of the womb.” –Jilliterate

“If I was PJ, I would be more worried about Dolly’s fat little fist, probably R rated for graphic violence.” –The Restless Mouse

“The plugger may feel stimulated after ingesting the bran flakes. But he will immediately become depressed upon realizing that his dining room table is a desk next to a refrigerator.” –survivor

“Mary’s pose in panel two was cribbed from one of those ‘hip’ late ’80s PSAs — you know, the ones that had systemically arhythmic people rapping about stuff like checking your smoke detector regularly. Delilah’s pose in the same panel was cribbed from a poster found in an orthopedic surgeon’s waiting room, entitled ‘Your Right Elbow: Things You Shouldn’t Make It Do.'” –One-eyed Wolfdog

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Your COTW momentarily, but first, I must once again point you in the direction of blog post from Margaret Shulock, writer for Apartment 3-G. Not only is Shulock the mind behind the A3G storylines and one of the six chicks of Six Chix, she’s also, as this post revealed, one of the writers for Snuffy Smith! Mind-bogglingly, this blog post shows that Snuffyisms sometimes start drifting into the A3G world, and, in this follow-up comment, reveals that she knows all too well how terrifying Margo Magee is. (Thanks to faithful reader Greg for the tip!)

Ahem! And with that, here is your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Is there some reason why Daddy Keane spends his week off standing around at home, wearing a coat and tie, yelling at his spouse? Maybe I’m misunderstanding. Maybe Billy doesn’t mean ‘off’ as in ‘off work,’ but as in ‘do these leftovers smell a bit off?'” –wagmore barkless

And the amusing runners-up!

“Kudos to Mr. Woody Wilson for this delightfully silly story. However, he missed a wonderful opportunity. With better timing, Godiva could have made her entrance at cheerleader tryouts riding a horse, just like her namesake. We wouldn’t have to cringe at her ill-fitting capri pants.” –Fashion Police

“‘Let’s not grow old’? Sorry, Garfield’s schtick grew old some time during the Reagan administration.” –sully

“Why is Shannon such an apparently angry child? Because she’s drawn poorly? Because the ‘fun afternoon’ cousin Toni promised is ‘visiting’ with a banged-up invalid? Because Brad doesn’t have cable?” –bats :[

“The theme of this week’s Family Circus is the Keanes’ inevitable decline into homelessness. Tuesday was the revelation of the empty bank account. Wednesday, Daddy is kicking snack machines in order to get free groceries. By Friday, the Keanes will be living in their car, with Jeffy firmly locked in the trunk.” –Elizabeth Helena

“In today’s Wild Kingdom of Suburbia, the mother soothes her daughter’s nerves by picking the nits out of her hair. This is a gesture of affection between primates and not at all creepy.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

On “sexting” in Gil Thorp: “Maybe there’s a more appropriate term better suited to this plot. PG-thirteening? Textitlating? Annoying?” –PeteMoss

“Now look, you two, we all know the human body is an eldritch, terrifying thing, but as gym teachers I figure you two are the closest I have on staff to understanding it. Please deal with the charges of mild nudity that have been brought to my attention while I sit here learning new portmanteaus from the Internet. ” –Black Drazon

“Add ‘unusually strong wrists’ to Delilah’s list of accomplishments (right under: ‘is prodigy’). I’ve never seen anyone hold an entire galvanized bucket full of the severed fingers of children at quite that angle.” –Jeremiah

“If we want to talk about felonies, does Dr. Pearl know that two of her coaches are knowingly attempting to give the entire baseball team hyperthermia?” –Alan’s Addiction

“That first panel in Gil Thorp is so full of despair. Letter-M t-shirt guy sits next to a girl crying into her giant ravioli. Maybe it’s because they only have mucilage to drink.” –Patrick

“‘Where’s Town Park Beach?’ ‘Down behind Town Park Beach Hill, just follow Town Park Beach Road.’ ‘Ah, next to Town Park Beach Park!’ Well, at least they’re concrete. Herb and Jamaal would call them all ‘Noun Noun Noun Noun’.” –5-Sigma Freud

“Finally, headway has been made for a Family Circus-themed video game. ‘Bil Keane’s Pro Skater’ is slated to hit shelves December 14, 2009. I’ve got a lawn chair and a blanket, ready to camp out on the sidewalk along my nearest Best Buy. Black dashed line Easter Egg, bitches!” –Thorzul

“Meanwhile Lu Ann is, predictably, baffled and terrified by the phone’s evil magic. ‘When are you coming home, baby?’ [Crickets.] ‘But, I AM home … Ruby?!? Is that you? Where’s Tommie? How’d you get in the little box with TOMMIE?!'” –boojum

“In the first pic, ‘Daddy’s’ actually surprised at the news of his cuckoldry; in the second, he’s grown accustomed to it. ‘Yes, that’s your mother’s cult leader, alright.'” –Rock Ripsnort

“It’s kind of sad that Billy (age 7) has a better grasp on actual human body proportions than either his dad or his creator. Maybe years of sneaking peeks at daddy’s secret magazines and a house with no mirrors (or ‘devil glass’) has actually taught him an artistic skill, which shall be beaten out of him once the pastor is summoned.” –walty

“My God, Crankshaft is the most likable character in this strip! I wish I could jump into the strip and do something really offensive on their kitchen floor. You wanna act horrified? I’ll give ya something to be horrified about!” –Donald the Anarchist

“What’s a ‘tramp stamp’? Does it have something to do with ‘sexting’? Did Time or Newsweek happen to write about this?” –teddytoad

“I love how the Hitler family is too afraid of Maramduke to clean up the growing pile of picnic baskets, despite the potential attention of the police. Perhaps they hope a SWAT team will finally take down the beast. They are wrong.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“The artists at Mary Worth must own dogs. The expression she wears, the angle of her head when she asks Delilah what’s stopping her, is identical to that of a basset hound who walks in on a couple having sex.” –NoahSnark

“I’m constantly amazed that anyone in Funky Winkerbean would name their child something as upbeat as Summer when there are far bleaker and more depressing seasons available.” –Carrie

“Wow, Mary Worth. Way to jump right into someone’s personal business. ‘Larry and I wanted to have children of our own.’ ‘What’s stopping you? ARE YOU BARREN?'” –Mdgoldrush1984

“I can’t ask him to stop … but I can make him, by stabbing him with this eating utensil.” –Carly

“I must figure out how to enlarge that second panel with Mary’s face and print it out so I can put it on my fridge. I can feel the pounds dropping off now.” –Poteet

“So, Delilah’s favorite dish is ‘chunks.’ Toby prefers briquettes, while Jeff likes slabs. Put them together, and you’ve got the combo meal at the Olive Garden in Hell.” –gkl

“Beetle Bailey gives us a whole strip full of punching/eating puns, yet there’s not a single mention of the ‘knuckle sandwich.’ What have these guys been doing all these years, if not memorizing the language of vicious beatings?” –BigTed

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.