Post Content

Sorry to be a bit behind on the CsOTW this week … and you’ll have to wait a few more moments too because I have a few Items Of Interest to share:

First, faithful reader Gilgameshuggah sent me an old Mad magazine article featuring many classic comics artists … it’s too big to legibly reproduce on the blog, but click here for the full-sized graphic.

Next, thrill to the latest and greatest installment of Protectors of the Earth: Weekend Edition!

And, finally, perhaps you’ll enjoy this article from the Newark Star-Ledger about one young man’s unhealthy obsessions with Slylock Fox.

And now, without further ado … the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“‘Fast and easy’ is his motto? Does it appear in Latin on the Confey family crest, with fleurs-de-lis surrounding a stupid little mustache?” –Windier E. Megatons

And the funny runners-up:

“Mary Worth has relatives? I sort of just assumed she was spawned at the creation of the universe to serve as a counterpoint to God.” –Black Drazon

“If I am traveling in India and a 5 year old walks up to me with a 5 foot long cigarette, lights it, sets it on the ground, and proceeds to stare at me with soulless, beady eyes, I can assure you I will be menaced right back to the nearest embassy.” –sak

“Today’s [JP] episode could use one of those helpful narration boxes: Sam and Randy sit on the stairs and chat! Sam is the one on the left!” –Mooncattie

“‘I’ll get on the web and see if I can pin down this bug!’ sez Rex Morgan, M.D, ‘and by web I mean Second Officer Guido Tomas, and by bug I mean his hot sweaty man self, and by pin down well, I mean, pin down. I’m done here. Where’s the web?'” –Bootsy

“The only way to really tell if that is Judge Parker is to keep reading and see how long those three minutes take. My guess is halfway into the Johnson administration.” –Aging Hipster

“Martin seems supremely uncomfortable in that last panel. Should have gone for a better fitting human-suit, man.” –Ben

“That can not be Margo’s father. He has no horns, no tail, no glowing eyes, and isn’t covered in the blood of children. I would have accepted any one of those as proof of paternity for Margo, but I won’t accept looking vaguely like Clark Kent and claiming to ‘love’ Margo, because we all know that only Margo is capable of loving Margo.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Could there ever be such a thing as too many tears, if one lived in the Keane household?” –Donald the Anarchist

“And unpop that collar, young lady! I didn’t raise you, but if I had, you can rest assured it would have been with an ounce of fashion se–what? Electric blue suit? I don’t know, some guy in the hallway told me I had to wear this color, or I wouldn’t be allowed to appear in your apartment.” –Lithros

“I know we’re supposed to suspend reality to appreciate the light-hearted humor in the comics, but the stack of wood next to Marmaduke’s doghouse is just too ridiculous. A dog with gastronomical tendencies such as his would obviously heat his house by burning the bones of his human victims.” –The Dead Acorn

“Well, of course they’re going to adopt — Ken has had some problems with his ‘business’. Frustrating problems.” –Mike Kelly

“I see Josh’s relationship with Mark Trail, the strip, going along a similar path as that of Patty and Ken’s. Sure, the strip has abused Josh’s morals through its outdated chauvinist ideas, but pretty soon there’s going to be a day where Mark’s punching a dude with muttonchops as a moose makes a threatening proclamation in the middle panel, and Josh’ll just sniff and quietly mutter ‘Oh Mark — I could never stay mad at you.’ I’m not sure what the baby the two will adopt together is. I’d … I’d rather not go there.” –DigitalGonzo

“I have suffered agonies of shame in the past year or so over the extent to which I have allowed Luann to manipulate my facile curiosity. I have grudgingly permitted myself to speculate on how the children at the library would react to Luann’s slutty witch costume. I have resentfully checked in to witness Toni’s response to Brad’s nudist resort invitation. I am even a little annoyed that I still don’t know whether Elwood actually is a multimillionaire. But today I have found some measure of redemption in the fact that apparently no power of man or god can compel me to give the remotest suggestion of a shit about TJ.” –Violet

“Ken had some problems in his business and he was taking them out on Patty … surely a screaming child swaddled in dirty diapers will becalm him!” –Dagger

“Those of you who want to hold Jack Elrod’s balls to the fire may find some comfort in the knowledge that Mark has beat you to it, in panel 2.” –seismic-2

“There hasn’t been a smirk or pun in Crankshaft in over two weeks … who knew death could be this enjoyable?” –Hammertime

“Because if Margo sees as much as a single olive on her pizza, millions upon millions will die.” –Lolsworth

“I wonder how much of the weirdnesses on the comics page are, like the AGLU3000, shoutouts to some other blog or even less penetrable in-group. Maybe Rusty’s memory card is a sidesplitting in-joke from some usenet forum, and the bizarre dialogue in Mary Worth is all made up of anagrams of conversations on FurryMUCK.” –Aviatrix

“A3G’s go-to gag: ‘Ha ha, Tommie’s spirit is broken again!’ Seriously, look how despondent she is. You just want to … well, not give her a hug … or … not … console her slightly, or … you … ha ha, Tommie’s spirit is broken again!” –Dragon of Life

“Oh, by the way, if it weren’t dead already, the word ‘ginormous’ is now officially dead as a slang expression by virtue of being used by an A3G character. Perhaps this strip serves as ginormous’s funeral, which is why Tommie is wearing her ceremonial white Snuggie.” –Joe Blevins

“Dust
Vacuum
Mop
Clean
Bathroom
Olives
Die Unloved” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“These ‘drawn from life’ characters like Gertie and the cook here creep me out. It’s because I imagine myself dying, then waking up as a character in Gasoline Alley. To avert this horror, I have arranged to be buried alive.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I’m also pretty sure the current Mary Worth no longer qualifies as an ‘unfolding tragedy.’ That Valentino mustache, his horrible cover story, all the clumsy ‘I’m broke’ screw ups … Ted is desperately trying to warn her that he’s about to rob her. Yet Adrian ignores all these obvious calls for help and instead brags about the size of her bank account. Clearly, she’s an enabler. I just hope she has the decency to apologize to Ted when he gets gored by a maddened, vengeful deer in the aftermath.” –Strangefate

“Tommie’s greeting (‘Joe?’) indicates that she is as confused by all the bland lookalike men in her life as we are.” –gnemec

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

Post Content

COTW coming shortly, but first there are a number of exciting items to cover! I hope you will find them to be of interest.

First off, John Hall was the first of several faithful readers to send me a link to this amazing LA Times comics page from 1959. (I can’t actually seem to find the blog post or whatever this is actually used in on the LA Times site, but will add a link if someone points it out to me. UPDATE: Here ya go.) The whole thing is great, obviously, but here are a few of our favorite strips particularly worth noting:

Sadly, the preserved page was from one of the few days in which Dick Tracy did not depict a scene of gruesome carnage (though we apparently just missed a public drowning). Still, panel two should draw your attention, as Popsie appears to be weeping so violently that her inhumanly long tongue is dangling out. Perhaps she’s about to vomit?

Here’s Mary Worth, accosting a comical foreigner! My guess is that she shanghaied wealthy Cousin Constance, forced her to rewrite her will to make Mary the sole beneficiary, and then did away with her, explaining the condo-centered life of monied ease she has today.

This is Judge Parker. You wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t told you, because there are no tits in it.

Also! Many, many faithful readers pointed me to two interesting items. The first is Ombudsmen, a series in the PvP Webcomic that spoofs Watchmen with newspaper comic strip characters. It is funny! Also, in another sign that the end times approacheth, some Hollywood executives (who were almost certainly high, on drugs) have decreed that Marmaduke: The Movie should exist. I right now am personally volunteering to write the screenplay for this. In my vision, the film ends in the ultimate battle to the death between Marmaduke, with all his demonic powers in full force, and his owner, who has at last been revealed to be Hitler, kept alive by dark magic. There won’t be a dry eye (or pair of pants) in the house.

And, finally, faithful reader Orange Cactus sends this photo from a cybercafe in Mumbai. “Apparently Dennis is now outsourcing his non-menacing to India,” he notes. (Of course, Dennis has been on his extremely non-menacing public health kick in the US for years.)

Oh, hey, and what’s this post about? Comment of the week, innit?

“‘I heard the CIA job didn’t pan out, so she moved back here!’ ‘That’s what she said!’ has to be the worst construction of the ‘That’s what she said’ joke in recorded history.” –fancycwabs

And the hilarious runners up!

“It is so sad that Ted only has two Facebook friends. He used to have three. But then his wife died. Did you hear about his wife dying? He’s mentioned it a few times.” –Sunny Paris

“Even pluggers suffering from debilitating OCD are horrendously dull.” –Patrick

“He’s seriously injured! And look, the deer also dyed him a uniform shade of bright blue before it left! It may seem cruel to do that, but it’s nature’s way. I see it already coated you, Patty. Kind of stings, doesn’t it? You know, poachers kill tens of deer every year to sell their blueing glands to Chinese apothecaries.” –ouranosaurus

“Ashley! Watch out for that vampire going after your wrist in the hospital! The only thing worse than life in Milford is eternal unlife in Milford!” –Lithros

“Yes, every plugger must struggle with the three C’s: cholesterol, constipation, and crushing despair.” –Joe Blevins

“Recent structural changes to strips like FOOB and Winkerbean have me musing on the advantages of jumping Hi and Lois back or ahead a decade. Chip could be a new employee at Foofram Industries, working at a soul-stripping non-job at the desk next to Dad, with his long hair long since chopped to corporate-approved length and middle-aged bald patch well on the way. Dot and Ditto could be strung-out lookalikes, mooning for quarters down at the bus station for their next fix. Trixie would be ten-and-a-half, still in diapers, still unable to speak a word, forgotten by the rest of the family, continuing to mutter on internally about some damm Sunbeam. And Lois would be lounging around all day amongst bottles of Plovdiv, giggling insanely about recent parties that never actually happened. As for resetting the strip back ten years, it would at least eliminate the irritating younger characters.” –Mooncattie

“I don’t know what creeps me out more about this particular Gil Thorp entry: The old man pretending to be a trainer so he can reach up Ashley’s trunks to make sure her knee is OK, or the floating head that seems to be haunting Ashley’s bedside, hoping to have finally found a suitable body donor.” –Terry Loves Cricket

“Beetle Bailey may be guilty of a lot of stuff, including the crudest of racial caricature and casual misogyny, but there’s one thing you can’t accuse it of: relevance.” –teddytoad

“The reason that Alice got that error message is that she mis-typed her password. There’s only one e in infanticide.” –seismic-2

“No wonder the computer crashes … there’s no steering wheel. Also, you stink of gin and desperation. More importantly, 90% of the things we do, the stuff we own, and the clothes we wear would indicate that we still live in the fifties, so I can’t image that you would really understand how to use a computer. I don’t get them either, to be honest, but at least I have the excuse of being a five year old. I’m going to go sit in the corner now, because clearly expressing my opinion or showing any individuality is a punishable offense in the house. Do you know why I hang around with an ass like Mr. Wilson? Because at least he knows how to express an emotion, you cold witch. Menace out!” –PoeWar

“I think it is obvious that Patty is insane and Ken actually died as a result of his dealings with his antlered nemesis. Battered-Patty has now brought him back in the only way she can: by painting his two-dimensional face and shoulders onto the pillow.” –diddly

“The only thing that tastes worse than castor oil is cod liver oil. Or maybe the sour essence of defeat that every plugger must sample.” –Islamorada Girl

“So, what laxatives might other comic characters use? I figure Mark Trail eats grasses and ferns until things clear up.” –Brick Bradford

“That second panel of Mary Worth with the ‘Fragile … vulnerable … young…’ is one of the creepiest things ever. I think it’s his facial non-expression. I can’t help but imagine it being followed with a truly vile slurping sound as he licks his lips.” –Danel

“Haha, Ed! Just keep that suit on. You’ll save the undertaker the trouble of dressing you when it’s your turn.” –Harold

“You can’t blame me for being reluctant to let go! You know I hate it when people are happy; that’s what first attracted me to you.” –Alan’s Addiction

“In four out of seven panels, Lois’ eyes have seized open to a degree that can only be explained by a mescaline binge. I think she’s freaking out. ‘Who are all these kids? Why are they all screaming? Holy @#%#, one’s an alien! Must … escape.'” –David Schraub

“The real gold in Mary Worth today is panel four. Dr. Jeff voices an independent thought and he immediately shrinks coweringly as his eyes flash to his right to look for the blow he’s been conditioned to expect.” –Edgy DC

“Clearly there is only one way this Mary Worth plotline can end: with Ted cheating on Adrian, followed by her running back to the arms of her childhood sweetheart Anthony in a pairing heartily endorsed by her just-a-bit-too-controlling father. Wait, what?” –Windier E. Megatons

“Patty and Ken: Here’s to your future horrible half-ungulate, half sapien spawn. May it be the glue that keeps your abusive forest home together forever — or at least in shamed silence that none shall ever speak of or illustrate again.” –Lettuce

“My first thought was that April is, of course, still in the CIA. My second thought was, I wonder what’s for lunch? Then I wandered around for a little while thinking about bears and how it would be nice to see one again in Mark Trail.” –Bootsy

“Slylock’s official-looking ‘Warrant,’ when examined more closely, consists of nothing more than the lyrics to ‘Cherry Pie’ transcribed in a clumsy scrawl with crude, cringe-inducing illustrations to match. That’s the only explanation I can imagine for the expression on Koppy’s face.” –One-Eyed Wolfdog

As ever, tip jar contributors are the real heroes of the week! And our advertisers are none too shabby either:

• United State of Tara: One woman. Multiple personalities. All new episode Sunday at 10:00 pm, or watch it on demand anytime, on Showtime. Click to view extended scenes now!

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Post Content

OK, your comments of the week are coming shortly, but first, I do want to draw your attention to one particular comment:

“I wish Ted Confey was a bit less active on Facebook: ‘Ted is having dinner with a bunch of suckers’ ‘Ted is now engaged’ ‘Ted is taking out his checkbook’ … and so on.” –Frank Parsnip

“Ha ha,” you may have thought when you read it, “How very whimsical and droll, the idea that this anachronistic character in an anachronistic comic strip would be using a cutting-edge social networking site!” Well, the jokes on you! If you are a Facebook user, you can now add Ted to your Friends list, and cruise for desperate lonely doctors on the Fans of Santa Royale group. I am overjoyed to pass this information on to you, but I swear I am only the conduit of information — I created neither of these fine bits of Facebook awesome! (While you’re getting all Facebookish, though, why not join the Readers of the Comics Curmudgeon?)

Also! Faithful reader gnome de blog wants you to offer your expert opinion on the The Oregonian’s comics survey! I ask you to vote as your conscience dictates, knowing that this will result in a better outcome than if only the unwashed masses participated. Survey ends on 3/3, so act now!

Also also! Faithful reader Greg sent me this lovely Lichtensteinized version of Margo, which I share with all of you:

And now … this week’s COMMENT OF THE WEEK! You’ll see that Ted Confey has fully mastered the Internet: not only has he gotten on Facebook, but he’s apparently posting comments on this blog?

“Did I tell you about my dead wife Lydia who is dead? Whose death was in no way suspicious or under unusual circumstances? Did I tell you with the mood lighting?” –Ted Confey

And the runners up! Very funny!

“We’ve seen Mark’s magnificent fists o’ justice pummel a wide variety of things over the years (except girls, because Mark can’t stand the thought of touching them).” –Alan’s Addiction

“JP for the last four days: Randy: ‘So you’re back in town?’ April: ‘Like the way this dress shows off the curvature of my butt?’ Randy: ‘So what happened?’ April: ‘Are my big tits making you hot?’ Randy: ‘So, no more CIA?’ April: ‘I’ll take this dress off if you like.’ Randy: ‘So, did you get a new job?’ April: ‘DAMN IT! FUCK ME ALREADY!'” –SF_Reader

“Mark’s behavior here is no less than shocking. He actually says ‘Yeah’ instead of ‘Yes.’ By Lost Forest standards, that’s a profanity. Can’t believe he dropped a Y-bomb. What’s next? Chewing gum?” –Joe Blevins

“Wow. First I got to see Minnie Driver and Hilary Swank in person today, now the creator of Ziggy is coming to Ann Arbor! I think I died and went to purgatory.” –scruffylove

“So where do the Judge Parker ladies shop for clothes, anyway? Sherwin-Williams?” –blueberrygrrrl

“Happy memories of Santa Royale? I guess that means being an adult-faced kid and milling around at Charterstone pool parties … nestling in Chin-Beard’s big furry belly on a deck chair, all warm and safe…” –T. Chicana

“That peanut butter wasn’t chunky going down, was it, Jeffy.” –AeroSquid

“I think the only reason Adrian’s remark ‘Happy memories that will be expanded’ sounds so awkward is that she didn’t follow it up with ‘end communication’ as one would normally expect.” –Violet

“All the comments in today’s dramatic DT chase scene end with periods. Whereas most of the dialogue in MW’s boring dinner over the past few days have ended with exclamation points. Of course the DT comments are all from insane people muttering to themselves, but still.” –Poteet

“Back then, Santa Royale was a commune. The only free-standing structure was the co-op, where they sold hand-washed dill pickles and shampoo made from goat’s milk and ground-up pig’s hooves. Oh, how my hair shone. I lived in a lean-to with my mother Terra and my father Gallahad. We would bathe in a small pond shaped like the upper half of a walrus. We called it ‘Upper Half of a Walrus Pond’, but I don’t think the name stuck. There were these green and purple berries that grew in the wild. Whenever we ate them the sun seemed brighter, the grass seemed greener, and we could speak to each other telepathically. Oh how I miss those times. Imagine what it was like to come back here and find it all paved over and commercialized. It was like a small part of me died. That, on top of the death of my wife, has sent me into a spiral of despair that you can only imagine. I cannot wait to leave here and never return, but first, I want to bone your daughter.” –PoeWar

“Because that is what Dick Tracy is all about: Needless but entertaining violence, and lots of squinting.” –True Fable

“The Santa Royale fan club? Could that be the least interesting reveal in comics history? I’m now imagining an Internet where such websites actually exist. Wikipedia has been pared down to only U.S. History-related articles. There’s no porn, no YouTube — just Ask Jeeves, Tetris, a few pictures of baby animals, and fan club websites of beachside communities. And those websites are all on Geocities.” –rachel

“I think we all know that Ted is going to turn out to be a con artist or a murderer or something heinous, but Adrian is still doing better in the relationship department than her dad, whose girlfriend turned out to be Mary Worth.” –Whippersnapper

“I wish there was a iPhone app or Flash program or something titled ‘Too Soon?’ Then I could type in: ‘Jokes About Children Contracting Deadly Salmonella From Peanut Butter’ and it would say, ‘Nope, not too soon’ and then I could make a joke about Jeffy.” –Lettuce

“Will someone please introduce muted tones into Santa Royale, so that not every dinner table ends up looking like a ‘Hungry-Hungry Hippos’ board?” –teddytoad

“OH. NO! THAT’S BUCKY ASEXUALLY REPRODUCING HIMSELF!” –Dr. Robotnik

“The ‘fan club site’ was a last-ditch effort on the part of the Santa Royale Times-Post-Union-Chronicle to compete with Craigslist before being driven out of business completely, along with the rest of the newspaper industry. And like Craigslist itself, it quickly became overrun with desperate personals, gay sex ads, and financial scams, which is why it was the perfect meeting place for this nice young couple.” –BigTed

“Let’s see … Patty is married to Ken. She wants children but must settle for keeping a wild animal in the house. The one love in her life has been shot at by her husband. The only people she believes she can go to for help are Cherry and Mark Trail. Oh, did I mention she’s married to Ken? Given all that, expecting any other facial configuration other than ‘sustained, distorted rictus of horror’ would be unreasonable.” –buckyswife

“Dick Tracy has begun to speak exclusively in zen koans. ‘Tracy! Maud R. Err is making a getaway in that blimp!’ ‘Brew your tea in a bowl.'” –Abner Cadaver

“If Margo had been raised as the daughter of a housemaid, maybe she wouldn’t need Tommie to clean the damn apartment for her.” –seismic-2

“Hey Luann — Zits called, it wants its schtick back. Return to your boatloads of unresolved sexual ten … sion … um. Zits, can we talk time-share, maybe?” –Dragon of Life

“Yea … the reason this crown somehow got on my pet dog is that he takes himself too seriously … not that I’m in the middle of a fantasy of being married to a rich and suave dog-faced prince … DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!!!” –Ptychozoon

“Speaking of people being killed or mutilated, Dick Tracy once again proves that talking into a cellphone is more grotesque than any villain’s fiery death.” –Steve S

“‘My late wife Lydia was all I wanted to know about love’? In what universe is that a conversational sentence? But I do like its equivocal nature — ‘after her, no way was I going to return to the living hell of human emotions! Besides, kissing messes up my mustache!'” –Sister Sestina

“Dr. Jeff is just thrilled someone’s going to the trouble to con him out of his money, rather than brow-beating and humiliating him into submission, as he’s used to.” –late2theparty

“For the rest of the comic, Adrian and Mary are sitting across the table from one another, but their heads are awfully close in the first throwaway panel. I can only conclude that Mary has crawled across the table in order to tell Adrian what a blessing it is that she’s found an internet lover. *shudder*” –Patrick

“Killer’s toothbrush looks like it has about four bristles in it. C’mon, dude! You can’t be a playa with a mouthful of rotting stumps.” –Pozzo

“‘As for me, meeting Adrian made me believe I could live again!’ As I suspected, Ted is a zombie and will shortly be feasting on Adrian’s brains.” –TruthOfAngels

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.