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There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I need to get to before I present the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Margo is every bit as awe-inspiring and terrifying as all that. Bitch makes me bathroom, what can I say?” –Uncle Lumpy

And the runners-up! Pretty amusing, wouldn’t you say?

“I sure can relate to Ziggy today. Ha! Not really. I didn’t even bother to read it. Do they still publish it?” –PeteMoss

“Margo hates it when her roommates forget the rules. Rule 1: Every conversation in the apartment must be about Margo. Rule 2: Only Margo may initiate conversation. Rule 3: No one may look at Margo at any time!!” –AmazingThor

“So Marvin’s last name is Miller? Sadly, this is the most interesting thing I’ve ever read in Marvin.” –Amanda M

“‘Business to attend to?’ Sure, Margo. Your outfit tells us you are sneaking away to attend Maude-Con 2009, where you are determined to win the costume contest. Say hi to Conrad Bain for us.” –Joe Blevins

“Wow, I really like Cinderella Tommie. And I wouldn’t have thought there was any modifier I could use for ‘Tommie’ that would make that statement true, with the possible exception of ‘zombie.'” –Violet

“Tube-of-toothpaste-cosplay is a special act that should only be practiced within the confines of holy matrimony.” –Dale K.

“Lu Ann calls from South Dakota and asks, ‘So, Tommie, whatcha doin’?’ while twirling the phone cord around her finger. Tommie says ‘Cleaning’ and Lu Ann goes, ‘Cleaning?’ and Tommie says ‘Yeah’ and Lu Ann says ‘Wow! Sounds like fun!’ and then Margo comes back because she forgot her skis and she’s all, like, ‘What the HELL are you doing on the phone? I told you to CLEAN!’ and Tommie mutters ‘Bye, gotta go’ and hangs up. Lu Ann continues to hold the dead phone to her ear saying ‘Hello? HELLO?’ for the next week and a half. The last panel is just a big cloud of dust with a bunch of stars and Margo fists and 3-D words zooming out of it saying stuff like ‘BAM!’ ‘BIFF!’ ‘POW!’ and ‘ZOKKO!'” –mojo

“I sense a hillbilly Belly Laffs series brewing for next week. Tomorrow: Another Diff’rence ’tween Gals an’ Fellers: Pull their pants down.” –Rusty

“Maybe Mr. Wilson is shrinking because every time he sees Dennis, a little part of him dies inside. Oh, wait, that’s me.” –Zeeba Neighba

“‘Last piece, Cayla?’ ‘No, thanks. There’s something unpleasant about the greasy sheen on it. Not unlike your forehead, if I’m being honest.'” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Apparently Kani hasn’t advanced far enough in his training to earn his diapers yet, so maybe he’ll be spared the trauma of returning to Mawitaan for a few more days. I recommend that he wear the diapers when he gets home, because the hysterical laughter they’ll inspire in local toughs will give him a few extra minutes to make his getaway.” –Poteet

“Montoni’s: We’re not satisfied until you’re not satisfied.” –thehollis

“‘I know the owner and can get us a good booth’ — nobody talks like that, first of all, except cartoon characters whose sentence length is dictated by the size of their speech bubbles; second and more important, it’s a PIZZA PLACE. A ‘good booth’ is one whose eating surface has been wiped down with a damp rag at least once in the last twelve hours.” –Mollie

“Phantom delivers with sexy, sexy muscular man-bodi … OH SHIT THEY’RE CHILDREN MUST GO VOMIT” –jaybrrd

“Two over-muscled pre-teens, one of them in a waist-high side-slit diaper, are boxing under the watchful eye of a purple-latex-clad guy in a mask. This doesn’t so much say The Phantom to me as Jack Chick Tract About Castro Street.” –Patrick

“You know, Montoni’s weird rules are strangely reminiscent of the strip itself: Come for the teen pregnancy, suicide attempts, alcoholism, cancer, and mime deaths, stay because you have no choice in the matter.” –zooby

“The cruise line is broke and the crew’s on strike. What’s next, pirates? Or will several of the male crew, including that one who works on deck 5 with the hungry eyes and lean brown thighs and the one from the dining room with the dark wavy hair and easy dimpled smile, catch me in the men’s sauna and hold me down, forcing me to satiate their bottomless lust repeatedly, violating me in unspeakable ways until we all collapse in a sweaty pile on the floor. I’m sorry June, what were you saying? Oh, right, free cruise. By the way, you missed a spot below the knee when you were shaving your right leg. Well, I’m off to the sauna.” –Cranky

“I think ‘Love Fire’ is the name of Dick’s latest poem, which, judging by his turtleneck, Dick is set to perform down at Jumpin’ Joe’s Java and Jazz. Of course, it’s all a cover so’s he can beat up Beatniks.” –Comrade Denny

“ANSWER: Being a wild animal cruelly forced to wear clothes and kept in a cage, Shylock barked pitifully and scrabbled at the bars. When the Count said ‘choose wisely,’ and pushed the cookie between the bars, the ravenous fox yipped and devoured the cookie in one bite. ‘Well played,’ said Weirdly, as his demented henchman opened the other cookie, which of course had ‘no freedom’ inside it. As Weirdly unlocked the cage, Shylock ran around and around inside it, dislodging the deerstalker cap, which had never been that firmly perched on his tiny fox head to begin with.” –Marion Delgado

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CsOTW momentarily, but first, a couple of notes. I don’t usually read the Sunday Archie because I can’t be bothered to hunt out the non-King Features comics on Sunday, but apparently last month’s in-strip AJGLU-3000 reference was not to be the last, as this panel demonstrates:

Oh vain AJGLU-3000! You try to convince us that you are a sleek, modern laptop, when we all know you look something like this:

Also! You have just one more day left to vote in the 2008 Worthy Awards, put together by faithful reader Wanders! Help reward and punish the best and worst Mary Worth comics of 2008!

And now, your comment of the week!

“I will never get tired of the kerchiefs on all of Lu Ann’s relatives. I can only assume that they dress alike just in case they accidentally get separated in a crowd.” –Sheila Sternwell

And the runners-up! SUPER FUNNY!

“‘I know what Eric wants … but I dread the very thought of it!’ What, does he want to get on top?” –Pozzo

“The joke in Barney Google — about how nobody at a book-club meeting has actually read the book — has already been made by every more upscale comic strip in existence. The only things that make this one different are the parts you don’t see: Instead of sipping white wine, they’re passing around a jug of corn whiskey marked with three X’s — and instead of a book recommended by Oprah, they’re reading a novelization of The Beverly Hillbillies carved into a slab of wood with a pocket knife.” –BigTed

“I like Old Mary better than New Mary. She’s slightly pudgier and doesn’t look as if she’s about to suck her nose right back into the nasal cavity, then swallow it.” –Angry Kem

“I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on in these so-called cliffhangers: Margo is deeply shaken by a message referencing a conversation Eric had with a friend in which he asserted that Margo’s roommates really should be invited to the wedding; Rana has not seen the cheerleading notice (which by the way merely announces that the entire squad has contracted cheerleading cancer), she just read Pluggers; and Patty really didn’t have a problem in the first place, she was just supposed to keep Cherry occupied while the police searched for Rusty’s body. Meanwhile, in today’s Mary Worth, ‘Frank Griffin continues to explain his behavior’ may be the most self-aware narration box I’ve ever seen.” –Violet

“I can’t believe it took four people to write an hour-long Snuffy Smith film. I’d like to examine those timesheets carefully.” –Joe Blevins

“Lots of folks have been wondering where the hell Rusty is, lately. What do you think that old man is serving on that platter? Pancakes?” –LITTLE A. WITH THE CRYSTAL BALL WHO HAS NEVER WON THE LOTTERY

“Cherry’s eyes are flesh colored. WHAT th’??!! Actually, almost everything in panel two is flesh colored. The walls, the curtains, the pancakes. The picture. Doc’s hair. Their flesh. EWWWW.” –Lisa

“Something has gone horribly — and I mean Gil Thorp-level horribly — wrong with Rex’s cheekbones.” –Master Softheart

“By the way, what color is that drape? Pinkish flesh colored drapes SCREAM bachelor … or serial killer with a penchant for skinning his victims for lampshades, pancakes, drapes, etc.” –OKStan

“Whatever, you do, man-bird behind the counter, do not answer the wizard bird’s question — because then he will know all the answers to all of life’s riddles — you are our last line of defense against this fiend acquiring this keystone of information that will make him all knowing — and therefore all powerful — in short, he will become a GOD — a wrathful, angry, escaped-mental-patient GOD. Save us — withhold all your knowledge of trans-dimensional automobile related ordinances!” –Bobdog of the Jungle Patrol, Not an Elephant

“Cody’d better watch it, man. Lu Ann is not the innocent little prairie flower she once was. I imagine in any extended exchange, Lu Ann will soon be showing her true, Big-City Sophisticate colors: ‘So, what do you do for fun around these parts nowadays? Hey, SLOW DOWN, pal! My LAST boyfriend was a DRUG FIEND who got SHOT DOWN in a JUNKIE BRAWL! I like what you’ve done with your neckerchief — it’s awesomely kicky! STEP OFF OR I SHIV YOU, DOOD!! Dad’ll be home any time now. YOU GOTTA FIX? MOMMA NEEDS TO SPARKLE!!!’” –mojo

“I love how in Apartment 3-G, characters are defined by an accessory and vaguely different hair colour. ‘A cowboy, huh? We’ll put him in a Paul Lynde neckerchief and call it a day!'” –Phoebe

“Lu Ann’s words say she’s getting used to being home alone. Her expression says she’s getting used to drawing the carving knife across the sharpening steel — slowly, methodically, purposefully, hour after hour, as the light in the kitchen passes imperceptibly from late-afternoon gold through twilight blue to pitch black.” –Spunde

“Speaking as a hardy Midwesterner, I can tell you that there is precious little dignity to be found here. Unless by ‘dignity’ you mean ‘Outback Steakhouse,’ and by ‘too much’ you mean ‘one on every corner.’ In that case, yes, we have that.” –Meanwhile

“I’m an East Coast guy so cannot say for sure, but I think the fact that all men in South Dakota apparently wear bandanas around their necks would make me want to choke many of them, with their own fine neckwear.” –AMSTERDANG

“With Frank and Lynn’s embrace, Mary’s meddling will be complete, a singularity will open up between them to swallow the whole earth, leaving only Mary’s giant, undying head slowly revolving around the Sun, gazing unblinkingly outward into the deeps of space, unceasingly searching the stars for other civilizations whose petty (dare I say, ‘human’?) faults can only be corrected through absolute annihilation.” –Comrade Denny

“I don’t really think that’s an ‘Aha!’ gesture. It looks more like Billy is programming an invisible microwave. He’s reliving that glorious moment earlier this day when he heated up his soup.” –Laura c

“Billy’s got that look on his face that shows that, at long last, he understands. He gets it! He reaches! Yes, he’s finally figured out which end of that pencil to use. There’s no stopping him now. Watch out for Billy, world!” –Muffaroo

“Also, I see that the vomit-worthy tendency of the FC kids to use ‘adorable’ malapropisms has spread to their parents. Maybe they all have brain damage. I mean … uh … ‘rain cabbage.’ HA HA HA” –Canaduck

“Next up, Sophie presents a dry cleaning bill for $100 and brings some ‘special’ brownies for the cheerleading squad. Hilarity then ensues, esp. when they try to form a human pyramid.” –Calico

“Jeffy CAN SO go to college! Probably as a cadaver, or maybe a security guard.” –trey le parc

“See? Lu Ann’s so boring, we’ve returned to New York, where Tommie’s date was so boring it was skipped altogether. Apartment 3-G: where you never have to see a thing.” –True Fable

I must also give a huge thanks to those who put money in my tip jar! And our advertisers are the greatest:

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For reasons that I cannot explain, terrible hillbilly stereotype Snuffy Smith and his kin have been popping up more frequently than usual here of late. Thus, I suppose it’s appropriate to preface this week’s COTW with a couple of interesting bits of Snuffiana from readers. First up is the title sequence from the (hopefully short-lived) Snuffy Smith animated cartoon, in which the title character lets loose a series of squawks that will haunt your dreams:

When you hear “Aw Aw AWWW” in your head over and over again for the next six to eight weeks, you can thank faithful reader Muffaroo.

Since surely that’s only whetted your appetite for all things Snuffy, I now present to you, thanks to faithful reader Jeff and the good folks at Archive.org, the first Snuffy Smith full-length film, 1942’s Private Snuffy Smith, in which our hero joins the army to defeat the forces of Fascism and make the world safe for democracy escape the revenuers.

Even the comely she-rustic in the first scene couldn’t get me through more than five minutes of this, but perhaps you’ll have more stamina. Sadly, Archive.org has not archived this film’s sequel, the awesomely titled Hillbilly Blitzkrieg.

Also, in non-Snuffy Smith news, faithful reader Proco was kind enough to send some scans from The Comics: An Illustrated History of Comic Strip Art, a 1974 book he picked up at a used book sale. Please enjoy this 1959 strip, in which Mary Worth smugly enjoys the debasement of her defeated enemy Connie, only to stiffen in shock when the woman tries to touch her.

And, finally, remember that you still have a few more hours to vote in the 2008 Weblog Awards! Don’t forget to vote for me for Best Humor Blog, Medium Large for Best Comic Strip, and the The Bilerco Project for LGBT blog.

And now, with all that out of the way: the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Do you think Mark even knows that he’s married? Maybe he’s holding out hope that Cherry, like most of the other visitors in his home, will eventually regain her strength and find her way back to her natural habitat. That look in the last panel seems to say ‘Oh, no! That one’s still here! And her scent is beginning to attract others of her species.'” –One-Eyed Wolfdog

And the runners up:

“So the moral of this years Curtis Kwanzaa fable is ‘if you don’t want to vomit three-eyed frogs, be sure to feed cheese to the tree stump.’ It’s like Aesop, if he’d suffered a catastrophic head wound and developed aphasia.” –fillmoreeast

“A chair with a purse perched atop it screams ‘Bachelor’ to Margo? That may explain why she’s still unmarried. And I don’t mean because furniture shouts at her, although that’s also not a bad explanation for a lot of things about Margo.” –DaveyK

“At least today’s The Phantom shows us how to aggressively hold a flashlight at someone/thing.” –kelsey

Spider-Man: “No Electro! Don’t Electrocute me! And no, Murdero! Don’t Murder me! But as for you, Fellatio…” –lettuce

“Oh, Harry. These kids are in Funky Winkerbean. They know they’re not invulnerable to anything.” –Just Me

“Man, that Frank Griffin sure doesn’t give a lot, does he? The absolute farthest he is willing to go is ‘I didn’t want Greg to die.’ ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Lynn. I didn’t necessarily specifically wish for your only friend to die horribly per se. I would have been perfectly content to see him, say, imprisoned or shot into space.'” –Violet

“I do have to applaud Moy for making Frank such a cartoonishly horrible person that we cheer for Mary and her meddling, life-wrecking ways. That’s art, man.” –Zaq

“Reference to Hootin’ Holler + reference to Mark and bestiality + owl’s knowing look = Kruegeresque nightmares lasting well into the spring.” –Patrick

“Sam Driver, the Deepak Chopra of total emotional insensitivity, is giving us a master class in numbness right there in panel 3. ‘Yeah, yeah … face, knife … uh-huh … sounds rough … Say, is there a Jamba Juice around here?'” –Joe Blevins

“Say what you will about Judge Parker, but the artist has perfectly captured every detail of an attractive-looking Scottsdale condo building. Does the tourist board know about this? Nice digs, hot policewomen, Sam Driver leaving town…” –BigTed

“What? Mark Trail isn’t written and directed by David Lynch? Then what’s with the weird perspective, the improbable plot twists, the lack of coherent narrative, the leeringly evil mustachioed villains, the wooden and emotionally castrated protagonist, the goofy old men proffering incomprehensible wisdom, the talking animals, and the inscrutable floating Jack Elrod ball? Oh — and the misshapen, lumpen-headed children!?!” –Comrade Denny

“I still think Patty has pubic lice. And if she thinks Mark and Cherry will be any help, she’s crazy. They are both hairless below the neckline, and their blood is pale green and fatal to inverts. That’s why Mark never has to worry about ticks.” –Poteet

“If that box contains a Tiffany engagement ring, it’s the biggest one known to man. Hopefully Eric will hire a sherpa to accompany Margo everywhere and support her bejeweled hand.” –left of the pyle

“Tess’s geometric earlobes match her planar mono-tooth. If I weren’t a real person, I’d totally date her. She’s the most perfect creature ever to escape from 2-dimensional Euclidean space.” –Squid Vicious

“I don’t follow Mark Trail except when it’s posted here, so I may have missed something, but what the hell happened to that kid who looked like Howdy Doody: The Dark Side? Rusty, I think his name was. Did he just wander off into the woods and die? Did Andy eat him? Did our hero chalk it up to natural selection because the kid’s hair wasn’t glossy and rigid enough for the standards of the Lost Forest?” –Calvinball Forever!

“I’ve recently noticed that Curtis’s dad ends all his responses with the word ‘hoot’. It makes me inexplicably angry. LOL.” –Ginger Yellow

“Even more lovable than the baby blue smocks is the featureless subway car and the utterly blank station sign. It’s as if to say, ‘Downtown 4 Express Train to Nowhere, Nowhere At All. Much like all of your careers. And your acrid marriage, Leroy.'” –teddytoad

“I think Lois’ meeting is with the local community theater group … judging from her hat, she’s playing the role of ‘Nipple #2.'” –thehollis

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