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It is I trust a shared opinion here, no matter where you fall on the merits of the Spider-Man franchise as a whole, that the Spider-Man newspaper comic strip is in fact almost unspeakably lame. There are occasional laments about the low state to which it has fallen; however, faithful reader Eden, who was helping clean out some junk from her parents’ house, uncovered evidence that it has ever been thus, if by “ever” you mean “since at least 1978, the date of this newspaper she found.”

So many wonderful things here, including but not limited to the following:

• Peter Parker’s massive, Neaderthal-style brow ridge
• Peter Parker only fights crime so as to get laid
• Crypto-right-wing undertones (“liberation” — clearly code for “sinister commie terrorism”)
• The idea that the plotting of left-wing terrorist groups on campus might constitute “ripped from the headlines” drama in 1978

Tana is clearly a member of the terrorist group — no doubt its full name is the “Stereotypical Mysterious Gypsy Women Liberation Front.”

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Happy Sunday, all! Probably won’t get to the Sunday comics until Monday, but here’s this week’s COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I vote we just call Anthony ‘The Asshole.’ Good luck removing THAT, Johnston.” –TB Tabby

And the runners-up, always funny:

“Mark and Sammy in a plane to fuck/ Pelted by Ubiqui-duck/ First comes stiffness/ But just trust us/ Soon you’ll see Mark’s fists of justice!” –Proteus

“I fully expect Mark to climb out onto a wing and deliver a RHO’J to the offending duck while shouting ‘You broke a friend of mine’s airplane windscreen!'” –AhClem

“Reeky Rat is my new hero. He walks around in stained shirts, he cooks outside and leaves the bones lying around, he lets a chicken sleep on his roof and a snake lair in the dead tree outside his home, he uses paper towels as stationery, he doesn’t want overbreeding rabbits moving into his trailer park, he sneers because of his station in life, and, best of all, he lies to dickheaded vulpine detectives. What’s not to love?” –Squawk

“I never thought I’d say this but Granthony looks better to me with the pornstache. It hid the quiet desperation better.” –mumbles

MW: “There’s a life lesson here about forgiveness (and a fashion lesson about purple clothing avoidance).” –MossMoses

“Is anyone else made slightly uncomfortable by the liberal use of the term ‘personal moments?’ I’m not sure that’s how I would describe a wedding. It sounds more like a cross between ‘not so fresh feeling’ and a story you would send into Penthouse. ‘Shawna-Marie and Dawn and I always wondered who would be the first to lose their virginity. Little did we know there was a personal moment to be shared in our future…'” –evie oh oh

“This bag-twisting dog, sad to say/ Fell victim to plugger foul play/ His kangaroo wife/ Finally ended his life/ By twisting his neck the same way!” –Keg of Curd

“The Queen finally came up in Momma’s Netflix queue. Way to stay current, Mel.” –yellojkt

“Why is Dilton breaking into Moose’s day with this entirely pointless bit of biological trivia? Is it his awkward way of flirting?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Wow. This lack of ‘stache has completely changed the way I feel about Granthony. He’s a real Manthony now. Rrrrowr! C’mere, Tiger! You and your clean-shaven face just make me want to … bone that other guy who is still way better looking than you.” –zooby

“MW: Vera got promoted before I did. I’m going to go shoot myself now.” –gkl

“Julia is A-OK with me. So what if she’s short? At least she isn’t sporting the roughly two miles of neck that Liz has in the final panel.” — Mack

“Hell yeah, I’m for Team Julia because she’s the mistress of subtle insult (panel 4): ‘Look Liz, I’ve had your Dad — IN MY MOUTH!'” –McManx

“Hugh should bear in mind that Heather is now technically both his mother and his nanny, and she would be entirely within her rights to take him over her knee. Then again, maybe that is exactly what he has in mind.” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

“Oh geez, Angstony is in full thought balloon mode. SHE CAN’T HEAR YOU.” –True Fable

“Once again, FOOB moves with all the grace and subtlety of a Panzer divison.” –Islamorada Girl

“Today’s Gil Thorp is a sterling example of why I love Gil Thorp to pieces. Taken on its own, it’s completely insane. Taken in context, it gets even worse.” –Barry

“RMMD: Pulse-pounding unlikeable-people-arguing-with-each-other action!” –commodorejohn

“This TDIET could be the start of a sister strip called They’ll Do Time.” –Rosette

“Tommie’s gesture in panel three is nothing short of awesome. It seems to say ‘No! I simply cannot speak to you right now. I have spent all day squeezing out this tiny, moist, sign of compassion … and you WILL look at it now. Look at the tear, bitch!’ It’s like the ‘talk to the hand gesture,’ but with the self-absorption dial turned up to 11.” –roscoe

And let’s hear it for our sponsors, hooray!

• Autumn Lake: Good ol’ fashioned webcomickry from faithful reader Mooncity! A comic like Mom used to make.
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• Joe’s Pub, NYC, presents ROFL!: The World’s First Internet Gong Show on Friday June 22nd! Featuring the Comics Curmudgeon, Josh Fruhlinger! (That’s me, y’all!) Plus Rocketboom’s Andrew Baron, Elisabeth Vincentelli of Time Out NY, Michelle Collins VH1’s Best Week Ever, and more!
• Day Watch: Featuring the cinematic vision of cutting-edge director/writer Timur Bekmambetov, this is the second installment of a trilogy based on the best-selling sci-fi novels of Sergei Lukyanenko.

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Hey kids! As usual, a few things of potential interest to all of you have accumulated in my inbox, to be presented for your delectation on this fine Saturday.

First off, Happy Bloomsday, everyone! Today is the day to celebrate James Joyce and his novel Ulysses (more information can, of course, be found you-know-where). In honor of Bloomsday a few years ago, faithful reader Nate created an awesome Mary Worth/Molly Bloom mashup; here’s an excerpt:

Sorry I can’t make it much bigger; but you can see the whole much-more-legible thing here.

Secondly! You may have seen the ad in the sidebar for News Free Comics! This is as an intriguing project that I feel deserves your attention. Essentially, it serves as a print syndicator of mainstream but lesser-known newspaper comics. It was originally conceived of as a locally distributed free paper in the creator’s hometown, but not enough advertising could be lined up; now he’s trying a subscription model. Would you pay for newspaper comics on paper, as God intended, delivered to your door, for only $18 a year? If so, check it out!

And, finally, there’s still ROFL!, that comedy show I’m doing in NYC in less than week…

Yes, if you live in New York, or are going to be there on June 22, and you can handle a show that starts at 11:30 p.m. (which you really ought to be able to do … after all, New York is the “city that never sleeps,” or, as my wife calls it, the “city that stays up really late and then sleeps in the next day”), then you need to come, obviously. This will be my first venture into live comedy-style entertainment, so you’ll get to witness either my discovery of my svengali-like power to mold an audience into putty, which I will use in my rise to fame and glory, or my total on-stage meltdown. Either way, you won’t want to miss it! And tickets are only $12!

The show will actually be a single-elimination Gong Show-style comedy deathmatch. My competitors include:

• Cintra Wilson of Salon and Dregublog
• Joe Garden of The Onion (the voice of Jim Anchower and Jackie Harvey), Vote Joe Garden!, and Monkeywire
• Michelle Collins of You Can’t Make It Up and VH1’s Best Week Ever
• Andrew Baron, co-creator and producer of Rocketboom
• Marisa Olson, artist/editor/curator of Rhizome.org and Nasty Nets
• Stu VanAirsdale of The Reeler
• Charles Broskoski of Supercentral

My victory over or defeat at the hands of these illustrious persons will be entirely determined by audience hooting, so buy tickets now, for pete’s sake!