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Hi kids! For reasons that will become clear very shortly, I am posting the comments of the week early this week. Fortunately, even in a shorter week there were plenty of larfs to go around. This week’s winner:

“So Rachel is dying. From the look of these people, I bet she has cancer of the hair.” –Charly Hoarse

And, of course, the runners up:

“There haven’t been that many white people in Vietnam since the Tet Offensive.” –yellojkt

“Greta has on a lovely dropped-waist dress from the 1920s today, and apparently an undershirt instead of a bra. She makes Mary look like Carmen Electra.” –Squid Countess

“In the hands of lesser artists, a Viking Warrior would be a totally different character than a cubicle dweller, but Walker and Browne are able to uncover the deeper truth that unites all men: We are all, regardless of race or creed, overweight and inattentive towards our wives.” –Christopher

“In that panel, Mary’s the yellowest person in Vietnam.” –The Mighty Sam

“”Onion” is always written with double quotation marks; it adds to his street credibility.” –Rusty

“Children: They’re just like monkeys, only they know how to lie.” –Rhekarid

“I don’t think we can rule out the possibility that there was a second thrower in the Family Circus case. I know the evidence seems stacked against Jeffy, but we don’t actually see the projectile being thrown. We all know Billy and Dolly’s murderous feelings toward their overbearing, vile mother, as well as their effeminate, worthless father. This could just be the first step in their master plan of framing Jeffy for their mother’s brain damage and then waiting for their father’s inevitable death by autoerotic asphyxiation. Naturally, PJ will be sold on the black market. But I’m just thinking out loud really.” –Scottius

“Funky Winkerbean: Why not just draw one long panel, write ‘MOROSE’ in big, bold letters, and reprint it every day forever.” –Mibbitmaker

“Man, I’ve got to get out of this office job. The most sexually suggestive thing I saw all day was from Judge Parker.” –Joeypants

“I hope Spider-man starts juggling those two guys. Except that’d be interesting, so he won’t.” –Black Card

“Mary Worth and Dick Tracy are locked in a dead heat for Most Panels Consumed Without Significant Plot Advancement — but extra points to Dick Tracy for Most Innovative Use of Ellipses.” –Coffeeclash

“In the mall parking lot the other day, I noticed some parking spots reserved for expectant mothers, next to the handicapped spots. I asked my wife, ‘What if you’re handicapped AND pregnant?’ Then the answer came to me: you’re a character in Funky Winkerbean.” –Pozzo

“Well, the cancer helps explain why Aunt Rachel looks so terrible, I guess. I had assumed that the artist had serious hatred for old women, most of whom do not look like decaying potatoes with hair.” –Poteet

“Dear God, if Dr. Cory is drowning in hot Vietnamese nurses and that’s why nobody wants Mary in there, I’ll start believing in you again. I’ll go to church and everything.” –Citric

“What’s disturbing about 9 Chickweed Lane is that back when it was in my paper Amos was this geeky kid with a crush on the girl. Now he’s a geeky man who has, at least according to Wikipedia, two women and one man with the hots for him. To understand how disturbing that is, imagine if Brad not only had Toni Daytona dump Dirk for him, but then T.J. made a pass at him the day after he had a threesome with Toni and her hot, Brazilian best friend that I just made up since there are no other adult women in this strip other than the mom and that old woman they bought the house from. Come to think of it, could we make that happen?” — reader-who-posts

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Hey kids! Do you know where mom hides the good scissors? Are you waiting for the day when you’ll graduate from adorable malapropisms and overactive imaginary scenarios into full-on murder? Why not announce it to the world — in t-shirt form?

Yes, merchandise displaying the excellent graphic above, which was created by faithful reader Wille Thompson, is available for purchase at CafePress. As usual, I’ve put a few starter shirts in the store, but if you’d like to see this logo on some other product — shirts, hoodies, mugs, what have you — just e-mail me and let me know.

Also! Another fab blog for your delectation! Plugwatch 200X is another in the ever-growing roster of Blogs That Focus On One Comic Every Day. Blogger JLR takes every day’s Pluggers and transforms it into a little mini-short-story that brings the longing and loss of the cartoon out of the subtext and into the forefront. It’s as if you crossed Pluggers and Funky Winkerbean and put the result into textual form. I just discovered this blog this week, but it hasn’t been updated since November; however, there was a brief notice posted earlier this month that the blogger was struck by personal tragedy. Still, said blogger says that more are coming soon, and even if not, the archives are great.

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Due to my crazy schedule I probably won’t be doing the Sunday comics till Monday sometime (and what happened to the Houston Chronicle? Now I have to read them on paper like a chump!) but I didn’t want to deny you all your Monday morning comment of the week satisfaction! Let’s start off with this week’s winner:

“Whoever draws Mary Worth is obviously woefully unfamiliar with drawing non-whites OR non-olds. I can’t tell if the bellboy is Asian or Vincent Price.” –Rhekarid

There were an unusually large amount of runners up, but that’s what happens when you have such a bevy of funny folks making comments:

“Yar, mateys, we set sail at dawn for the Main. We shall fire a broadside into the fort and take the town. Avast, and ye shall be swimming in old women’s purses ere dusk! Wheat pennies! Heart medication! Striped candy! ‘Twill buy many a wench in Tortuga! Ar!” –IdolsofMud

“I contend that B.C.’s repetition of the boomerang joke, thus ‘bringing it back around’ is exactly the sort of multi-tiered meta-comic that forces the viewer to readjust his perceptions of — wait a second, is that a rock with a pedal on it being pushed by a caveman?! Man, screw that guy.” –Plumberduck

“Peace Village is Mary Worth’s Mtigwaki. It’s a place where white people go to feel noble helping darker-skinned folk, but once there they just obsess over their sad failed romantic lives.” –yellojkt

“Of course Max takes every opportunity to grab some willing and quite literal tail. He’s a bite-sized rodent sidekicking an always-hungry carnivore. Life is short. And if this strip is a fair indicator of his uselessness, it’s gonna get even shorter.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Melody is Max’s sister. If he hasn’t figured out yet how city streets are numbered, he sure isn’t going to able to figure out how to get into a tiny mouse vagina.” –King Folderol

“I’ll just say this once: You know what Marvin fills his diaper with? Other Marvin strips. That’s what Marvin fills his diaper with.” –Marion Delgado

“The reason Miss Buxley has never exposed her irises like that before is because they basically appear to be giant bay windows overlooking the barren wasteland of her terrified soul.” –PD

“Jesse stole Liz’s harmonica because he wanted something to remember her by. And because the elders won’t let them take scalps anymore.” –cheech wizard

“Is ‘snow fly’ some kind of slang term for a desert made with chocolate chip cookies? Because that’s the only way I could see this being a joke. Otherwise it’s more a series of mundane events.” –Christopher

“When I saw (DT)GT, I was horror-struck by that freak in the last panel — and as a regular reader, I’ve seen plenty of questionable characters. It’s like the head of a sixty-year-old man pasted to the smaller body of a different sixty-year-old.” –gh

“Dinkle is just another broken hero for Batiuk to drag through the funky streets of the Tragic Kingdom; just another meat piñata in this Carnival of Souls, just another Cupie Doll hanging on a rusty hook in Satan’s ringtoss on the 24-hour boardwalk that rims the ninth circle of Hell.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“A few days ago in Pearls Before Swine, they complained that there was no food on the plates because Pastis couldn’t draw food. By that logic, Mary Worth should not have gone to Vietnam and Gil Thorp should not contain people.” –Deanbooth

“Every time I see the word ‘plugger,’ I just think of the age-old question: ‘You pluggin’, or ruggin’?’ (i.e., ‘Are you using a tampon or a sanitary pad during your period?’) I assume all Pluggers are pluggin’, regardless of sex or age.” –Harold

“Why is Beetle walking around with his towel around his neck, lettin’ it all hang out? That’s all well and good at the local bathhouse, but it’s really not the way I would imagine the military. Actually, I take that back — that’s exactly how I imagine the military.” –Alex Blase

“You know you’re a plugger if you’re a horrible man-beast, as if a part of some horrible scientific experiment gone completely awry! Also if you don’t care for computers.” –Raznor

“I like to think Tommie will spend her time alone engaging in a long, luxurious and ultimately unsatisfying weekend of masturbation.” –Tracer Bullet

“Pluggers keeps smiling even though their arteries are choked with gristle and their heart rate is about 475 beats per minute and the plant is about to close because robots are smarter than they are.” –Trotzenbonnie

“Marmaduke: The funny thing I saw was how the guy on the left is bent over in that ‘Oh God, here we go again’ sort of way, and then while remembering all the times he’s been forcibly sodomized by Marmaduke regrets not having thought of the poodle angle before now.” –Sunny Mel Blatherscythe

“It took Josh this long to become bored with Mark Trail? The strip that set the world land speed record for boring?” –Derelict

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