“For all that Mary talks Wilbur up, she would flounder in a heartbeat if someone suggested that she just date Wilbur herself. ‘Oh, he’s … charming in his own endearing, quirky way but not that I would. I have standards … I mean, I’m loyal to Jack … John … J-Jeff … the doctor.” –Needless_Exposition

“Grandpa longs for the days when gorillas were seen masturbating and not heard.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Nancy may be a villain, but she’s still a Rex Morgan villain and she knows the importance of doing her job as slowly and ineffectively as possible.” –TheDiva

“Enjoying the truly demented economics of buying cheap wine by the barrel, then decanting it into a bottle, but then still pricing it by the barrel. The real comedy here is the terrible restaurant management.” –Schroduck

“DID YOU KNOW: Microsoft PowerPoint was released 34 yea– no, you know what, we don’t even have to get this detailed. DID YOU KNOW: The 21st century has been underway for over two decades, at least a quarter of Lillian’s life, if not closer to a third.” –Dan

“Look, I can accept that Maggot and Grossie have no chins. I can accept that Grossie’s mouth somehow magically exists on the outside of her face covering. I can even accept that the chin-privileged waiters don’t remark on these things out of some sense of etiquette. But if you’re going to introduce wine into the equation, I need to see Maggot tipping the top of his head back like a trash can lid, I need to see Grossie pouring the contents of her glass into the moving target at the center of her chest, and I need to see the waiters running off into the desert, where they’d rather die of heatstroke and dehydration than witness such horrors ever again.” –Doctor Moreau

“Hi and Lois: Putting the ‘app’ in ‘appetite’ since … I dunno … today, I guess.” –Pozzo

“Once again, players from the football team are standing on the cafeteria tables and yelling nonsense about their personal lives. Milford High School must be a surreal place for the students who don’t participate in Gil’s authoritarian sports regime.” –jroggs

“‘Jay Walker, eh? Guilty. Death by exsanguination out at Split Tooth Rock. Lordy, appeasin’ the blood thirst of the ol’ gods sure got easier after we set up this fake court and just sacrifice every minor offender.’ ‘Exsangen-wha’, yer honor?’ ‘Bleedin’ out, Smif. Yer guilty too, of disrespectin’ the court. Out to Split Tooth with ya.’” –Voshkod

“You know how many leg lifts it takes to get butt muscles to get that Easter Island chin look? A lot.” –Jerp+Jump

“Just look at Curtis’s dad’s expression in the final panel. That is the look of a man who has seen some shit. Ghost shit. All over the bathroom. Thank god he finally persuaded that damn ghost to flush the toilet after its unholy acts of defecation, he thinks wearily to himself.” –glitchcraft

“The secretary is fresh from the agency, so she hasn’t learned to say things like, ‘Lam it, it’s the fuzz!’ yet.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Sure, you can ‘be yourself‘ around Wilbur — I mean, who gives a shit what Wilbur thinks?” –Deacon Blues

“I can’t believe that Roz — jaded, seen-it-all Roz — would be truly shocked by this feeble punchline. So my head canon is that she does this sarcastically whenever her customers crack wise.” –Joe Blevins

“Loretta doesn’t need Twitter when she has access to internet’s premiere platform for long-form essays: YouTube. Just imagining a page full of videos with titles like ‘My husband sucks (and I have the receipts!)’, each over 3 hours long.” –pugfuggly

“The Red Shirt’s stance in the Lockhorns is the best thing that comic has had in a while. He looks not only angry at the Lockhorns but at the reader as well.” –BeckoningChasm

“Wilbur is a ‘diamond in the rough’ in the sense that dealing with him involves immense human suffering, and his value is overinflated.” –TheDiva

“Huntin’? Nope, been hikin’! Haw haw! But in all seriousness, it looks like we ain’t eatin’ today.” –jroggs

“Sarge, you liar, you said you had to ‘go yell at Beetle,’ but then all you did was dully answer a question and then, a few panels later, ask for a progress report. I can excuse the attempted murder of one of your soldiers, but lying to a dog? Unacceptable!” –Joe Blevins

“So …. Angus is the strongest baby in the world? From now on I’m going to interpret his ba’s as ‘I could kill you,’ ‘I could so kill you,’ and ‘Your whimsical observations would not prevent me from killing you.’” –jenna

“I think it’s probably worth noting that this poor, beaten Viking not only offers Hagar sage advice about the future, but also appears to be wearing the same outfit. Is he perhaps receiving a dire vision of things to come? This may or may not be supported by how this other Viking does not appear in the first panel, and in fact seems to surprise Hagar with his response. I say maybe because regular human interaction does seem to be lost on Walker-Browne most of the time.” –Manjack

“The moral: Neither hypnosis or psychology will help you if your offensive line sucks.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Mary mixes up another batch of ‘Meddlin’ Muffins’ as she cooks up the next plot development in Wilbur’s relationship with Estelle. She sets the oven for 550 degrees and the timer for seven hours. ‘I do believe they will be badly burnt,’ she breathes with a smile.” –Charterstoned

“It’s Tuesday of Thanksgiving week. Things will have to move pretty fast, especially for a comic strip, but there’s still enough time for Wilbur to get swept up when an unnamed federal agency storms Pets R Us for blatantly violating the trademark of a failing-but-still-extant toy chain. If he’s disappeared somewhere deep in a black-site detention center at an undisclosed location by Thursday, we will all truly have plenty to be thankful for.” –Doctor Moreau

“Is this what it will be like if I still have my wits and I end up living with a person with Alzheimer’s? No, I absolutely refuse to do such ludicrously unnatural expository dialogue. If they don’t remember who I am, I’ll just tell them I’m the UPS guy or something.” –Peanut Gallery

“Good thing we’re doing the ‘right’ thing and exploiting our young daughter’s skills to a corporation instead! Now there’s a group that’s known for respecting artistic talent in an ethical fashion!” –2+2=7

“At some point you’ve made enough muffins.” –Professor Well Actually

“Bow tie-wearing thug with a dame in a cabaret, boss in a gimp suit using ridiculous code names to talk about coworkers, owl-like bodyguard outside the door with a bullwhip, and all I can think is that most ridiculous thing in this strip is the idea that you can send texts in bold.” –pastordan

“Heavy-lidded expression? Baking? California? I’m not sure if I’m more disappointed in Mary Worth for getting involved with pot or in pot for getting involved with Mary Worth.” –Irrischana

“Harry has bodies in the basement! But they’re frozen turkeys! Human bodies would be tastier.” –Ettorre

“A comic strip called Funky Winkerbean has to remind you who or what a ‘Funky Winkerbean’ actually is, and now there’s no room for a joke.” –Rosstifer

“Absolutely dying for this plot to end with the revelation that yes, fish were too great a responsibility for Wilbur. He needed to sprinkle flakes in water once a day and occasionally clean a glass box, and wound up just shouting at them that his girlfriend left him, do you understand, no it’s always about you and your problems, god even these fish don’t like me. ‘A diamond in the rough,’ Mary chuckles as Wilbur dangles fish #2 over the toilet.” –Dan

“‘The Dinkles host a super-spreader event’ is not a plotline I expected to see here but is one I am very much looking forward to. Get closer, everyone! Talk right into each other’s mouths!” –pugfuggly

“From very recent experience, I can tell you that you can cook a meal or you can stand around introducing people, but you can’t do both.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Wilbur’s quest for existential and romantic fulfillment takes a merry turn as he lugs the aquarium down to the ocean in hopes of attracting a mermaid.” –Daisy

“I’m actually mad at how inaccurate the darndest thing in Family Circus is. Little kids think all grownups are impossibly old! Dolly should be looking at some purple-haired waif with thirty piercings and telling Thel that she’ll finally have someone her own age to play with!” –matt w

“Dennis is helping clean the table! The only thing less menacing is if he had expressed interest in playing pinochle!” –Ettorre

“What’s wrong with the cook? Why didn’t he simply wish himself into a better universe, or simply out of existence? Or unwrite Crock entirely? Is he newspaper comics’ greatest monster, or does that honor belong to whoever named Boner’s Ark?” –Victor Von

“Leroy and Loretta are no younger in that picture than they are now. Are they (relative) newlyweds? It takes normal couples a good twenty years to work up to that state of mutual bile. Guess they’re over-achievers, in that respect. Congratulations?” –Pozzo

“Loretta made sure to put their wedding photo up near a framed image of the state where it took place, so Leroy will always be reminded of local alimony laws.” –BigTed

“You know what, I think the Dad has a point. If I went to a vinyl-bench diner with old timey apron wearing waitresses I would also expect a full plate to compensate for the food being the cheapest ingredients prepared by the least talented cooks. I mean, that’s kind of the deal, right?” –Jerp+Jump

“Wilbur’s idea of an apology: ‘No, shut up! I’m talking now! You listen!’” –Inspector Gotcha

“To ‘zero in on’ something means to aim at it, so this new character development sort of makes sense if you assume the Beetle Bailey writers know nothing about the character other than the name, which … seems pretty plausible, actually?” –Jack Brounstein

“Pluggers check every day to see if they can still read dates on coins. ‘Yep … 1955. Or maybe 1956. Whatever … if I can still see something, it means I’m not dead. Yet.’” –Pozzo

“That blonde woman is absolutely threatening to murder Lillian in the last panel and I’m here for it. If characters are going to die in Crankshaft then at least have them bludgeoned to death with a lighting tripod.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“You’ve heard of cringe comedy, but now it’s time for cringe tragedy — OH, WILBUR. — starting this January only on HOBOMax.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“The couple across the street are hipsters, not hippies. No one else would insist on using a fifty-year-old antique baby carriage.” –Tom T.

“The stoned ‘Dude?’ at the end of Blondie completely kills the timing of the punchline, but it suggests that the only place stocking Thanksgiving jelly beans is a weed dispensary which, you know, makes sense.” –Schroduck

“See if you can find all the choking hazard toys scattered on the floor, and then realize why PJ is ‘sleeping.’” –Rusty

“That’s ‘duderino’ to you, young man! I’ll brook no insolence from petty clerks, even at a store that apparently has an HTML formatting error for a name.” –Peanut Gallery