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It’s the first Friday of the month, and you know what that means: come to the Clubhouse in Los Feliz in Los Angeles for The Internet Read Aloud, America’s favorite live comedy show about the internet!

Tell Facebook that you’re coming, when will then legally obligate you to come to the show!

But until then, please enjoy your comment … of the week:

“Today’s Beetle Bailey was supposed to just be a picture of all the main characters with a message on top saying ‘Celebrating our troops.’ Then, at the last second, the writer found out that Memorial Day is about remembering dead military personnel, not honoring living ones, so they had to hastily change course to make a strip about the characters murdering each other.” –likeagrapefruit

Your runners up are also very funny!

“I’ll say this for Marvin: at least its brand of ‘I regret having a child’ comedy doesn’t make you want to call an intervention.” –Schroduck

“Masked vigilantes, incompetent cops, villains who take a liking to their nicknames. This is how you get Gotham. Are we ready for this swerve in the Rex Morgan story?” –Gerry Quinn

“Uptown mall/ Checking price tags right out in the hall/ Listening to the woes of neighbor friend/ Her loveless marriage problems never end” –Dan

“From ‘Women Be Shopping’ to ‘Women Be Shopping With Their Own Money’: Small steps feminism in the legacy strip Hi and Lois” –Ettorre

“Working at a bank? Doesn’t it seem like Cinnamon Knight’s job description should be ‘Breakfast Cereal Mascot?’” –Pozzo

“I’m hoping that the ‘bank’ the Cinnamon Knight works for is actually some completely unregulated fly-by-night cryptocurrency thing, and of course the missing assets are all NFTs based on jpegs of old (and messily dead) Dick Tracy villains. It still wouldn’t make any sense, but at least it would be a reality-based doesn’t-make-any-sense.” –Dmsilev

“Hell yeah, there’s no better way to deliver data on a network security breach than a single sheet of paper. Envelope’s just gonna have a drawing of guy in a stripey shirt and domino mask using a computer. Not even a very good one. Tracy’s going to nod seriously and say ‘Better get the boys in the cyber crime bureau on this one.’” –Dan

“Jingle Bells/ Pluggers smell/ Because they wear Depends/ Gotta stick/ This stamp real quick/ To pretend like I have friends” –Ace

“Her buddy sitting there thinks ‘At least she’ll take attention away from the fact that I wore slipper socks into a bar.’” –Hibbleton

“You know what? I like this one. The idea of a sarcastic mermaid hanging out at a seaside bar, passive-aggressively haranguing humans about their mistreatment of the ocean is actually pretty funny. ‘Boy theses fries are something, aren’t they? I haven’t seen this much oil since Deepwater Horizon! No but seriously folks, I’m just doing some harmless trolling, unlike the kind you do at my house! Ha ha, but really, my sister died in a fishing net…’” –pugfuggly

“Won’t Dawn be surprised when Jared’s friend talks him into going to the exact same club? I admit my premise is flawed, because Jared has no friends.” –taig

“The worst part of this date is Malcolm thinks Morbius is a Marvel movie.” –Uncle Lumpy

“It’s the small touches that make a comic strip stand out. I enjoy knowing that the guy in the last panel is a fan of that classic 60s garage rock band, Exclamation Mark and the Hysterians.” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Want to meet up ahead of time to pregame, if you know what I mean?’ ‘Giant bowl of salad and a glass of water? Hell yeah.’” –Daisy Bateman, on Twitter

“Can he, though? He spent approximately two and a half minutes with you, and I guarantee that for two of those minutes he was not listening to a thing you were saying. ‘Uh huh, uh huh, shoulder hurts, got it.’ [thinking] ‘Can my daughter make any more money from drawing… dogs? It was dogs, right? People like dogs.’” –els

“Sarge flipping a guys car is the last piece of the puzzle for me. Clearly Camp Swampy was some sort of military research base, Sarge is a failed super soldier project; instead of an invincible Adonis with super strength, they made a slovenly rage monster with super strength. Obviously they can’t just let him out into into the real world so they keep the camp open and fill it with all the washouts the military has to offer. The whole charade is a giant enclosure for the US Government’s failed Frankenstein. This also explains the talking dog.” — BananaSam

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Summer’s coming, folks, and you know what that means … time to head down to the beach and enjoy your laptop, and also head to the Clubhouse in Los Feliz one week from tonight for The Internet Read Aloud, America’s favorite live comedy show about the internet!

Here’s the Facebook event, please come and enjoy the japery!

But for now, please enjoy this comment of the week:

“[2 hours later] Wait a minute … she’s getting a pillow? At the zoo?” –Kevin On Earth

And these runners up are very funny as well!

“Honestly Billy, you should just be happy that dad corrected your grammar and didn’t comment on the inanity of what you said. ‘Funner than school’? Wow, bravo, thanks for sharing your insights.” –pugfuggly

“Oh, I remember now! The train ran over me and I was killed. Next thing I knew, I was here. But is this Heaven or Hell?’ ‘We seem pretty comfortable. But maybe what’s Heaven for us is Hell for somebody else.’ [looks directly at audience]” –Peanut Gallery

“God, the Hateachothers have such a miserable relationship — having friends over, going golfing together, sharing an embrace under the stars, dining at a trendy gastropub, sitting and reading together! No wonder they need to regularly seek assistance from a marriage counselor!” –Harold

“Thank god for that sign. Otherwise, this would just be a dog grinning slyly as he watches a baby take a shit.” –Joe Blevins

“As Mary hits her control, the monitor switches from the tepid smooching of Ian and Toby to the mild hand-holding of Dawn and Jared. ‘It’s early,’ she thinks. ‘The real action won’t start till dusk.’” –Hibbleton

“Summer is a great time to be in love. It is the only time of the eons when the female desires companionship. The male of the species approaches the female. She lays her eggs. He fertilizes them. She devours his head, then leaves the nest to resume her life. In Fall, the larva hatch. What? Why you do look at me strangely with your eyeballs of gel? Is this not how mating works in your dimension?” –Dread

“Not sure what the hair’s about, but I’m thinking either ‘lacking a strong male authority figure in her life, Dawn is pursuing guys who remind her not of her dad but of Mary Worth,’ or ‘Jared killed Laura Palmer.’” –Dan

“Give a hoot? Don’t compute.” –nescio

“I’m picturing someone flipping through a zoology picture book and just laughing at page after page. Then they go to a zoo to see some real live jokes, and the next thing you know they’re doing a confessional YouTube video with poop in their hair going ‘I don’t think baboons are jokes anymore.’ And that’s how Jared knows such people really exist.” –Amelie Wikström

“Mary Worth is clearly attempting to get on the NFT bandwagon. Get your Dispirited Baboons here, only $200,000!” –Anonymous

“To be fair, 25¢ for one scoop, 60¢ for two scoops and 75¢ for three scoops is an insane pricing structure, and after taking account of the cone, one scoop is clearly the best value proposition here.” –WaitedForGodot

“[buries face in hands] [leans elbows on desk] [sighs heavily] Guys, look, I just… frozen TV dinners come in single-serve boxes with, like various ‘dishes’ in a little segmented tray. Okay? That’s just how they’re made. They’re not in a box of, I’m gonna say, ice cream cones that you then return to the freezer with, I’m gonna say, the ketchup and mustard you inexplicably keep in there. And once they’re heated, they don’t look like, I’m gonna say, oatmeal with raisins. It’s just… nothing about this works; you know that, right?” –els

“Given this is 2022, either Mr Wilson is an immortal being whose immortality stuck to old age — explaining why he is always so pissed off — or his parents were beatniks/hippies who raised him without television. Both options would actually be interesting, so neither is the case.” –Ettorre

“‘We have two more bodies at the Cougar Encounter, gonna need some tranq darts and a clean-up crew.’ ‘Christ, what is wrong with people? We put up signs warning them that they’ll encounter a cougar and they still walk right on in. I don’t know what more we can do!’” –Voshkod

“For us it’s two panels of facts about zoo animals nobody asked for. For Dawn it’s been two years of running monologue that has not stopped for one moment, day or night. Two years of ‘Did you know ketchup is alternatively spelled catsup and was superseded as world’s most popular condiment by salsa? The actual name for what you call hashtag is octotroph, you know. Guess how many nerve endings there are in the average clitoris — 8,000!’ At this point, an 80 year old hunchback in a tube top could ride by on a unicycle and Dawn would think, ‘Why not him?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“The nice thing about that guy is that he has a really tiny mouth, so tiny that it looks like it’s painful whenever he has to open it. So he probably eats nothing but broth, which is cheap and even Dawn can heat up. He’s not just silent, he’s economical. Win-win for Dawn.” –BeckoningChasm

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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The comment of the week? It’s coming sooner than you think.

“What’s the angle here? Shady Shrew sinks his boat to collect the insurance money which, by definition, is only just going to offset the price of the boat that he totaled to perpetuate the scheme. It’s not a failing upholstery business, just sell the boat if you need the cash, man. Unless there’s something more here … pretty intense to send all the evidence to the bottom of the ocean, somebody’s going to have to make a long and hazardous dive to investigate, maybe a nosy fox who’s been a thorn in your side for too long. You know as well as anyone that the gifts of this new era of animal dominion haven’t been evenly distributed and nobody has it worse that the fish. Great big brains like the rest of us but they still live like beasts, cowering naked in the mud. Wouldn’t be hard to find a desperate shark who’s willing to take a payday just for doing what comes naturally, one last time.” –BananaSam

The runners up are also hilarious!

“I’m actually kind of delighted to see the grade-school-level kitty and woof-woof drawings Toby has taught the students in her art class to create. Is it possible that Helen was the only decent educator at Santa Royale Community College? Now that she’s leaving, Cal and Maddie will learn even less than before — though they’ll be free to continue their blossoming romance as they graduate into the supermarket shelf-stocking and checkout-clerking industries, which we all know can be fine careers for this town’s less-prepared couples. And if they ever want to learn about, say, Camus, they can do so by reading the newspaper’s comics page!” –BigTed

“The photographer doesn’t get it! On Instagram, you send the same picture to all your followers! Personalized pictures for each follower is OnlyFans. And OnlyFans in the Funkyverse is just pictures of a chemo machine.” –Ettorre

“It’s a safe bet that the worst strips from a given franchise are the ones that originate with the author either overhearing or just imagining a perfect setup for a punchline and then rushing to grab their felt tip™ and commit the joke to paper. ‘Haha that kid said gram but what if the person he said it to thought he meant grandma! That’s comedy gold!!! Gold! And what’s up with Ovaltine? Looks more like Roundtine to me iykwim, aittyd!’” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“It’s fustratin’ howz I works so hard, wif the moonshinin’ an’ chicken nabbin’ an’ suchlike, but I got nuffin t’show fur’t cuz Loweezy spends all th’ money on brazeers.” –Violet

“So, what exactly is Dagwood’s schedule where he is clearly ready for work and outside at Elmo’s bus stop? Has Dagwood already flattened the mailman? Does he go back to bed to set up that gag?” –Kevin on Earth

“Is Snuffy canonically a glutton? He’s lazy, uneducated, a miser, an irresponsible gambler, and a miscreant, sure, but I don’t think he’s really been characterized as having a big appetite. It’s not looking good if the writers of this strip weren’t able to get to #8 on their countdown without having to pilfer traits from Dagwood Bumstead.” –jroggs

“I really like how Henry’s ‘friend’ looks like he’s primed and ready to burst out of the house in a huff, but decided to restrain himself for just a minute to hear what Dennis had to say. ‘Is this one of those kids who says the darndest things? I’ll wait to hear the punchline and then I’m so outta here!’” –pugfuggly

“Absolutely believe that Ian’s takeaway from all this is that he has a rare gift, and must pursue a carREER… in the THEAtre! That is the one and only lesson he’s learned. Wouldn’t even swear he remembers who Cal and Helen are.” –Dan

“Gil has totally bought into the idea that a blind person’s other senses make up for his loss of sight as he speaks in a normal voice to someone, as far as pictured here, who is no longer on the field.” –Hibbleton

“Feeling very cheated that we aren’t getting Leroy’s side of the conversation here. ‘So, it’s like a ledger, but made of blocks. And, uh, you put the blocks in a chain and … each block has an ape on it. And you can’t funge the ape, because it’s already chained up. But you need to pay for the gas to mine the ape, you see, so it can go to the metaverse. And that’s why … no, let me start over, I forgot that you can use multiple slurp juices on a single ape.’” –Schroduck

“Last week it was sloppy Joe sweaters, today it’s Bitcoin. We may be completely off track on the great Lockhorns generation debate. I’m hesitant to even acknowledge it, but … we may need to consider the possibility that Loretta and Leroy are ageless demigods, living among humankind as some kind of punishment, either for their sins or for ours.” –Austria

“Alexander was just off put by the sound of trillions of souls screaming in agony that escaped through his father’s clenched teeth.” –Dread

“Office Worker With Hair and a Normal Waist: ‘I’ll trade ya for this urine specimen!’” —
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Is there a hole in the seat of his pants for his tail to fit through? Uh oh, now I’m wondering if any of these birds have buttocks. Welp, I knew this day would come someday. [EJECTS BRAIN]” –made of wince

“‘Toby, have I ever told you that I would do anything for you?’ ‘…no?’ ‘Phew!’” –matt w

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!