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Hello everyone! Do not forget, the Internet Read Aloud, America’s favorite live comedy show about the Internet, is COMING BACK, in just a week!

There’s still time to buy your plane tickets for this once-in-a-lifetime once-a-month event! Here’s the Facebook event, if you’re interested! We used to have the show at 8 but now it’s at 7, so be sure to come at 7 if you come!

And no matter what your show-attending status, please enjoy this week’s top comment!

“My mom says looking at her Chico’s catalog while jerking off is a waste of time. Also, I have serious Mommy Issues — will you swaddle me?” –Old School Allie Cat

The runners up? Also very funny!

“As I was saying, we’re not going to make an offer. Mr. Thorson here has very kindly agreed to beat the shit out of you.” –Peanut Gallery

“The only pleasure I get from this is when Dustin’s dad eyes his phone warily in panel one, as if to say, ‘Oh, god, who could this possibly be? It’s not Dustin, is it?’ Considering Dustin’s employment history, it actually might be.” –Joe Blevins

“Dithers is ruining the spirit of Presidents’ Day! He should be selling mattresses!” –Ettorre

“This is what happens when your stock mid-20th century sitcom trope (‘women and furs, amirite?’) has a head-on collision with the grim reality of your central conceit (‘Helga would already have tons of furs, because it’s below freezing and pitch dark for half the year’).” –TheDiva

“Just how long is that notebook and how far down does that picture go? Could this be what Toby is referring to with ‘negative space?’” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“I like the range of expressions we’re seeing here, from bored to mildly concerned, with the exception of Ed who looks absolutely freaked out. ‘This must be bad. Nobody invites me to shit!’” –pugfuggly

“I was going to make a crack about how Madison is the girl in the front row, and then I was going to make a crack about how ‘Madison’ is probably an old person name by now and Pranit should hit on someone his own age, and then I looked it up and the popularity of ‘Madison’ peaked in 2005 and is absolutely age-appropriate for the girl in the front row and Pranit should totally be hitting on Madisons. I am willing to put much more work into this than into following the actual plot of Gil Thorp.” –matt w

“Pranit! Hey, Pranit! You sit up straight and listen well when I tell you about the heroism and vision of Francisco Solano Lopez, you hear me? He was South America’s Napoleon!” –jroggs

“You would think everyplace in Centerville would have learned to keep their doors locked by now to ward off premature Crankshaft.” –nescio

“‘The rose has you thinking of Daisy Dugan. But his name is Daisy, not Rose.’ God damn this is why Tracy gets paid the big bucks. Sit back and watch a master detective at work, folks.” –Dan

“‘My mother thinks my movie watching and frisbee playing are a waste of time,’ said Cal, adding, ‘She really wants me to focus on my art.’ At that point his story began to fall apart.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Why am I telling you this? You kidding me? I’m supposed to tell you this stuff, numb nuts. Why else would I be here? What kinda dope are you on, and if you have any left, can I get me some?” –made of wince

“How to get all the excitement of a courtroom drama without actually having to draw a courtroom.” –Oversized Garden Ornament

“Snitches get stitches, y’know. Fortunately, Rex is a doctor, so at least they’ll be sterile.” –Pozzo

“Five years’ worth of single-use shampoo tubes would require at least 1000 motel visits, you know. (What, you think a plugger showers every day?) And the average motel costs at least $45 per night … actually we don’t have to do the rest of the math. We already see exactly what it means to be a plugger — to be so economically comfortable as to be able to spend years of your life on the road and sleeping in motels, yet feeling so economically vulnerable you take comfort in and define your own identity by the hoarding of dozens of dollars worth of free hygiene products.” –Amelie Wikström

“It may seem odd that Dolly is explaining this to non-verbal PJ but she’s just rehearsing her TED talk.” –Hibbleton

“That look on ‘Miss Sarah’s’ face says it all. She found this guy, blackmailed him into coming forward, and is making goddam sure he delivers. What, you think she’s going to let her dick of a father handle this when her Kitty Cop merchandising deals are at risk?” –Lawyerbob

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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FOLKS!!! With the receding of Omicron, our beloved janky LA theater the Clubhouse is reopening for real and the Internet Read Aloud is COMING BACK, in just two weeks!

Prepare your body and soul now for great live comedy about the internet! Here’s the Facebook event, if you’re interested! We used to have the show at 8 but now it’s at 7, so be sure to come at 7 if you come!

And no matter what your show-attending status, please enjoy this week’s top comment!

“Imagine the shock of taking a job as a community college adjunct when your whole image of teaching is a husband who’s so firmly tenured he can get away with that beard. Sorry you won’t be engaging the head of your department in a war of words through the correspondence section of a philology journal while your TA handles the class load, Toby. Here’s your two grand, though.” –Dan

Your runners up: also very funny!

“Mister Wilson had his epiphany at a Catholic Church, obviously, and it happened right after Vatican II, when the priest switched to a vulgate mass and he could no longer get in a quality nap.” –Rex_Thrillho, on Twitter

“Trooper Megan should not be encouraging the creation of more Pied-Noirs. That way lies the fall of the Fourth Republic. Stop thinking tactically, Megan, and start thinking strategically!” –Voshkod

“Researching the Crock mystery (reading the strip’s Wikipedia page to try to figure out why it still appears) I found the claim that Crock’s fort is found in Toon Lagoon in the Islands of Adventure at the Universal Studios theme park. What do the kids think of this? It’s like if Disney World included a shout-out to my great-grandfather’s third-favorite brand of macassar oil.” –matt w

“‘Wait — what if our audience doesn’t immediately realize that’s Cookie and Alexander and just think a different artist is drawing Blondie and Dagwood? We need something to identify them as teenagers!’ ‘How about if I put some of those iPodPad thingies in their hands? That should do the trick.’ ‘Brilliant! And it shows we’re still on the cutting edge!’” –Pozzo

“Thanks honey! Even though we are somewhat different in age, you’ve always been supportive of me during our 12-year marriage that we have spent living here in Charterstone. Is that enough exposition? Can we move on the the story now?” –pugfuggly

“In the 1930s there were readers who furiously shipped Nina and Skeenix as much as any modern YA protagonists, but they are now all dead and left without a trace on AO3. Sic transit gloria mundi.” –Ettorre

“Hell yeah hyped for the Barney Google & Snuffy Smith Vs Unbeatable Squirrel Girl multimedia crossover event. Gotta read every newspaper but also buy like fifteen different random ongoing comic book series to have any idea what’s going on with anything. By Sunday Jughaid’s gonna be brandishing the Infinity Gauntlet with Man-Thing and Devil Dinosaur lunging at him and if you didn’t read Howard The Duck vol 8 issues 1-4 you’ll be totally lost.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“Yesterday, we learned that this young lady didn’t have Mason, her mentor, in her phone contacts. Today we learn that she doesn’t have an agent.” –Rusty

“‘You’re up’ for an Oscar nomination! By which I mean, your name appeared in the credits for a feature-length movie publicly screened on film for paid admission for at least seven days in Los Angeles County during the awards year!” –Uncle Lumpy

“I don’t understand this sequence of events. Did Dolly leave art class, swing by Whitney’s place, bring Whitney to the house, escort her twenty feet into the kitchen without closing the door, and then make this announcement to someone, I’m assuming one of her parents (who knows, could be the dog, Grandpa’s ghost, a lamp, etc.) completely unprompted? Now what? Does she turn Whitney around and frog-march her smug, bathroomier-than-thou ass right back through the open door? (I’m so mad about the open door. Are the Keanes heating and/or air-conditioning the whole neighborhood?)” –els

“Funky Winkerbean has the advantage of making its readers feel like industry insiders, because anyone can look at today’s strip and go, ‘Wait, I KNOW that’s not how that works!’” –TheDiva

“‘The learning never stops.’ ‘It sure doesn’t! Why, since we’ve been married I’ve learned what an insufferable pompous bore you are and just last week I learned what a community property state was.’” –But What Do I Know?

“Nessie?? Peyronie’s Disease is a tragic and stigmatizing condition that affects as many as 1 in 11 men! It is NOT something to make light of! Get me Scott and Borgmann’s contact info! Time to cancel these MFers so hard that they’ll WISH they’d only said ‘sucks’ in 2008.” –Dunkelcopter

“Very nice, Brenda! Good job tracing over anime clip art. You gave it an exquisite ‘royalty-free’ quality.” –2+2=7

“I’m not saying Toby is flirting with Cal, but if she were, ‘I really like the way you use negative space’ is the kind of stilted, stupid language she’d use.” –nescio

“If you’re using a wheelbarrow as a walker, why would you be carrying an unnecessarily heavy load of lumber and bricks? Apparently you’re a plugger if you’ve moved to earthquake-prone Calabria and a wheelbarrow full of rubble is your ‘villa.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Which gendered celebration are you looking forward to in the next few days: romantic love or American-style gridiron football? Remember, you can choose only one! But fortunately, we can all enjoy this comment of the week:

“‘Time away?’ I recognize that euphemism. They decided to tell everyone Wilbur was in prison, didn’t they? It’s less embarrassing than the truth.” –Peanut Gallery

And these runners up as well!

“Is the ‘Winter Olympics’ reference topical or coincidental? I mean, he could just as easily have said, ‘I feel like Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush,’ which would pass for topical to Blondie’s readership.” –Pozzo

“I don’t know why today’s strip prompted me to think about this, but when Dagwood’s body is autopsied his stomach contents are really going to cause a kerfuffle in the coroner world.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Crankshaft died while praying, so he won’t go to hell. As a last act of spite, he won’t grant us any satisfaction.” –Ettore_Costa, on Twitter

“Hagar is hopeful because he’s finally discovered that he can have a Box Of Arrows delivered directly to the battlefield. Lucky Eddie knows this is just the beginning of a hyper-capitalistic frenzy that will separate the Vikings into a struggling mass of low-paid gig workers and a tiny exploitative elite who will profit from sending them on increasingly dangerous raiding expeditions.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Wilbur!’ should be the only line of dialogue permitted in Mary Worth from now on.” –Nigel Richardson, on Facebook

“It’s okay, Joey, cry it out. But make it quick. All these bodies aren’t going to hide themselves.” –jroggs

“You’re a plugger if your only cruising option is an extremely-low-traffic public bathroom.” –Roto13

“Mary has gotten to the point in her gaslighting where she’s now producing a cloud of methane around her at all times and we can already see the effect it has on Ian. He should be caber tossing Wilbur out of his apartment and reclaiming everything that mayonnaise fingered wiener touched but instead he’s placidly smiling at him with the look of a man who is both watching an amusing news story and wishing for death.” –Needless_Exposition

“Some say it’s a miracle? SOME SAY IT’S A MIRACLE? The very demons of Hell saved your life, Wilbur.” –Professor Well Actually

“I’m convinced today’s episode is a cruel and elaborate pantomime put on by Toby, holding her phone just offscreen, to whom the other characters are glancing to see if they’re getting their lines right. Wilbur’s going to be a TikTok sensation, but not for the reasons he thinks.” –pastordan

“Crazy that the Blondie comic we know today is the retooled version meant to be more relatable in the wake of the Great Depression. Nothing says ‘man of the people’ like a dipshit in a bowtie saying, ‘Are you guys psyched for the big game?’ then cutting off your response with a demand to serve him food.” –Dan

“Ever thought how boring this job would be if we didn’t give the Mitchells a smaller table every time they come in?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Cressida? Honestly, not one of the Bard’s best works. None of the Problem Plays are standouts, to be sure, but the genre confusion in Troilus and Cressida is so extreme as to render the play unenjoyable, no matter what Joyce Carol Oats says. Honestly, I’m surprised the drama club is planning to stage it at all. Oh, you meant Cressa? She’s out in the garage having trouble dividing six by two.” –Voshkod

“A few minutes later Rex walks out of the exam room. ‘Nope. That guy wasn’t funny at all.’” –Liam

“Intruigued by those hand gestures June is making. ‘Yep, just snip him, spank him and send him on his way. TGIF, ammirite?’” –pugfuggly

“The delivery of the line ‘I guess birthdays have a drawback,’ as if this has literally never occurred to Toby before, puts her at about 25, tops.” –T Campbell

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!