“Wilbur is a ‘diamond in the rough’ in the sense that dealing with him involves immense human suffering, and his value is overinflated.” –TheDiva

“Huntin’? Nope, been hikin’! Haw haw! But in all seriousness, it looks like we ain’t eatin’ today.” –jroggs

“Sarge, you liar, you said you had to ‘go yell at Beetle,’ but then all you did was dully answer a question and then, a few panels later, ask for a progress report. I can excuse the attempted murder of one of your soldiers, but lying to a dog? Unacceptable!” –Joe Blevins

“So …. Angus is the strongest baby in the world? From now on I’m going to interpret his ba’s as ‘I could kill you,’ ‘I could so kill you,’ and ‘Your whimsical observations would not prevent me from killing you.’” –jenna

“I think it’s probably worth noting that this poor, beaten Viking not only offers Hagar sage advice about the future, but also appears to be wearing the same outfit. Is he perhaps receiving a dire vision of things to come? This may or may not be supported by how this other Viking does not appear in the first panel, and in fact seems to surprise Hagar with his response. I say maybe because regular human interaction does seem to be lost on Walker-Browne most of the time.” –Manjack

“The moral: Neither hypnosis or psychology will help you if your offensive line sucks.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Mary mixes up another batch of ‘Meddlin’ Muffins’ as she cooks up the next plot development in Wilbur’s relationship with Estelle. She sets the oven for 550 degrees and the timer for seven hours. ‘I do believe they will be badly burnt,’ she breathes with a smile.” –Charterstoned

“It’s Tuesday of Thanksgiving week. Things will have to move pretty fast, especially for a comic strip, but there’s still enough time for Wilbur to get swept up when an unnamed federal agency storms Pets R Us for blatantly violating the trademark of a failing-but-still-extant toy chain. If he’s disappeared somewhere deep in a black-site detention center at an undisclosed location by Thursday, we will all truly have plenty to be thankful for.” –Doctor Moreau

“Is this what it will be like if I still have my wits and I end up living with a person with Alzheimer’s? No, I absolutely refuse to do such ludicrously unnatural expository dialogue. If they don’t remember who I am, I’ll just tell them I’m the UPS guy or something.” –Peanut Gallery

“Good thing we’re doing the ‘right’ thing and exploiting our young daughter’s skills to a corporation instead! Now there’s a group that’s known for respecting artistic talent in an ethical fashion!” –2+2=7

“At some point you’ve made enough muffins.” –Professor Well Actually

“Bow tie-wearing thug with a dame in a cabaret, boss in a gimp suit using ridiculous code names to talk about coworkers, owl-like bodyguard outside the door with a bullwhip, and all I can think is that most ridiculous thing in this strip is the idea that you can send texts in bold.” –pastordan

“Heavy-lidded expression? Baking? California? I’m not sure if I’m more disappointed in Mary Worth for getting involved with pot or in pot for getting involved with Mary Worth.” –Irrischana

“Harry has bodies in the basement! But they’re frozen turkeys! Human bodies would be tastier.” –Ettorre

“A comic strip called Funky Winkerbean has to remind you who or what a ‘Funky Winkerbean’ actually is, and now there’s no room for a joke.” –Rosstifer

“Absolutely dying for this plot to end with the revelation that yes, fish were too great a responsibility for Wilbur. He needed to sprinkle flakes in water once a day and occasionally clean a glass box, and wound up just shouting at them that his girlfriend left him, do you understand, no it’s always about you and your problems, god even these fish don’t like me. ‘A diamond in the rough,’ Mary chuckles as Wilbur dangles fish #2 over the toilet.” –Dan

“‘The Dinkles host a super-spreader event’ is not a plotline I expected to see here but is one I am very much looking forward to. Get closer, everyone! Talk right into each other’s mouths!” –pugfuggly

“From very recent experience, I can tell you that you can cook a meal or you can stand around introducing people, but you can’t do both.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Wilbur’s quest for existential and romantic fulfillment takes a merry turn as he lugs the aquarium down to the ocean in hopes of attracting a mermaid.” –Daisy

“I’m actually mad at how inaccurate the darndest thing in Family Circus is. Little kids think all grownups are impossibly old! Dolly should be looking at some purple-haired waif with thirty piercings and telling Thel that she’ll finally have someone her own age to play with!” –matt w

“Dennis is helping clean the table! The only thing less menacing is if he had expressed interest in playing pinochle!” –Ettorre

“What’s wrong with the cook? Why didn’t he simply wish himself into a better universe, or simply out of existence? Or unwrite Crock entirely? Is he newspaper comics’ greatest monster, or does that honor belong to whoever named Boner’s Ark?” –Victor Von

“Leroy and Loretta are no younger in that picture than they are now. Are they (relative) newlyweds? It takes normal couples a good twenty years to work up to that state of mutual bile. Guess they’re over-achievers, in that respect. Congratulations?” –Pozzo

“Loretta made sure to put their wedding photo up near a framed image of the state where it took place, so Leroy will always be reminded of local alimony laws.” –BigTed

“You know what, I think the Dad has a point. If I went to a vinyl-bench diner with old timey apron wearing waitresses I would also expect a full plate to compensate for the food being the cheapest ingredients prepared by the least talented cooks. I mean, that’s kind of the deal, right?” –Jerp+Jump

“Wilbur’s idea of an apology: ‘No, shut up! I’m talking now! You listen!’” –Inspector Gotcha

“To ‘zero in on’ something means to aim at it, so this new character development sort of makes sense if you assume the Beetle Bailey writers know nothing about the character other than the name, which … seems pretty plausible, actually?” –Jack Brounstein

“Pluggers check every day to see if they can still read dates on coins. ‘Yep … 1955. Or maybe 1956. Whatever … if I can still see something, it means I’m not dead. Yet.’” –Pozzo

“That blonde woman is absolutely threatening to murder Lillian in the last panel and I’m here for it. If characters are going to die in Crankshaft then at least have them bludgeoned to death with a lighting tripod.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“You’ve heard of cringe comedy, but now it’s time for cringe tragedy — OH, WILBUR. — starting this January only on HOBOMax.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“The couple across the street are hipsters, not hippies. No one else would insist on using a fifty-year-old antique baby carriage.” –Tom T.

“The stoned ‘Dude?’ at the end of Blondie completely kills the timing of the punchline, but it suggests that the only place stocking Thanksgiving jelly beans is a weed dispensary which, you know, makes sense.” –Schroduck

“See if you can find all the choking hazard toys scattered on the floor, and then realize why PJ is ‘sleeping.’” –Rusty

“That’s ‘duderino’ to you, young man! I’ll brook no insolence from petty clerks, even at a store that apparently has an HTML formatting error for a name.” –Peanut Gallery

“Much like the newspaper comics industry itself, today’s Barney Google and Snuffy Smith Present Spark Plug’s Grandson … Li’l Sparky® takes place in a universe obsessed with recycled intellectual property. It’s the Barney Google and Snuffy Smith Present Spark Plug’s Grandson … Li’l Sparky® Comics Universe or the glue factory for you, boys, there is no in between.” –pastordan

“‘…And you won’t need a drink to do it!’ Has Mary ever even seen a Karaoke bar?” –Rosstifer

“Quick, Max! To the Slylock-mobile! You know, the lavender ATV I bought with taxpayer money! No, I don’t know where your special derby with the chin strap is! Next time, be like me and use bobby pins. They work, Max.” –Joe Blevins

“Wilbur [at staff pitch meeting]: ‘Picture it: The INCELebration of Wilbur: I Shouldn’t Be Single … But I Am!‘ [quivering jazzhands]” –2+2=7

“Ever seen a woman who’s had one too many shots of mustard gas to the face and a 3-year case of trench foot? Ha-chi-mama! Also, terrible shell shock, just … terrible.”–pugfuggly

“So, how many human skeletons in the next display, do you figure?” –nescio

“The use of boldface in Mary Worth is not always good or sensible; sometimes you wind up with weird emphasis like ‘People seem to have a good time here’ that makes Mary sound like a cop trying to figure out who’s carrying. But sometimes you get Wilbur angrily spitting out the phrase, ‘Yes, I see people who are happy’ and you can hear all the bitterness and misery heaped on one word, and it’s all worth it.” –Dan

“Today’s Mary Worth alone is far more exciting than a year of Rex Morgan. Hell, I’ll put my neck on the line and say the final panel is more exciting than two years of Rex Morgan, today’s fantastic ‘reading a note card’ action included.” –georgiabob

“‘Blue skies.’ Our old code for ‘all’s clear.’ Strange. ‘Clear sailing’… right, that means he wishes me well in the future. That’s nice. Wait, what’s this? ‘Many happy years to you and your bride?’ There’s a large force of enemy irregular troops bearing down on my left and right flanks?! Oh no!” –jroggs

“Sam’s going to take his service revolver down to the printing plant and see if he can’t get this supply chain thing figured out.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“No, I’m fine, Sam. Thanks. I’m so happy, I couldn’t eat a thing! I just got an email saying that my order of Volume Six of Derby Dugan: The Geebus Years has just been delivered to my place. They say it’s been discontinued, and I got the very last one. I can’t wait to go home and read it on the toilet!” –made of wince

“You should show these strips if anyone not terminally online asks you to explain ‘subtweeting.’” –Ettorre

“Babies always come from the same place, Dolly. Lowered standards, too much booze, cowardly complacency, and finally fear of dying unloved and alone. Anyway, Mommy’s going to work on phase two of the process again.” –Voshkod

“My wife notes that Estelle is on a date with a man who may have access to tranquilizer darts, should Wilbur get too out of hand.” –richard8

“I’m not one for kink-shaming but I didn’t really need to know that Darryl is into erotic semaphore.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Thus began the world’s first and only karaoke-based protection order. Wilbur is forbidden to sing within 1,000 feet of of schools, daycares, or basically anybody else.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Once could be just chance, but the fact Wilbur followed the falsetto-heavy ‘Cry Me a River’ with the high-pitched ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’ makes me think that actually he just has an extremely high, whiny voice. Update your headcanons accordingly.” –Schroduck

“You’ve gotta give Beetle Bailey props for playing the long game. Lulling readers into a false sense of security with a week of insipid and inane ‘gags’ only to drop a straight-up porn reference at the end of the week? That’s a baller move, son! ‘Welcome to the weekend, bitches!’ Respect.” –Doctor Moreau

“I appreciate that in Beetle Bailey’s army a male soldier can read a book called ‘Summer Romance’ without being immediately piled on by the rest of the camp. He should at least get a wet willy though for how this ‘smart’ guy is just sitting there holding the book backwards.” –Tabby Lavalamp