“I have never seen a ghost, so I cannot categorically say that those ghosts are drawn badly. I have seen a couch.” –A Concerned Reader

“Okay, it’s Bill Clinton who calls the head of ICE — in this current political environment — and saves the day. Surely that’s the most unbelievable plot point… [reads today’s strip] ‘Montoni’s Pizza is great pizza.’ Nope, wrong again.” –Little Guy

“Damn, Funky is one cold-hearted businessman. Initially upset to see the goons who tried deporting his friend, his mood brightens the instant he hears they want to place an order.” –Bill L

“I was kind of hoping than the jazz fest was being held on the other side of the fence and Stokes would end up impaled on a clarinet.” –Guillermo el chiclero

“I assume the reason why Rex never cut his own hair is he has the same shiny, impermeable hair helmet as a lego minifig, and it’s pretty hard to style those. He did once try on the ponytail hair with the blue and purple streaks, though, when he was feeling adventurous.” –Rita Lake

“It doesn’t bother anybody else that Dapper Dude’s car is at least somewhat sentient??! Those are stars of pain… STARS OF PAIN, PEOPLE!” –Janis and company

“There ain’t no parts ’round these parts. Not fer machines an’ not fer the sick folk who jus’ need a new liver. What did you say yer blood type was, again?” –Lionheart

“It depends, Billy. How much do you love Big Brother?” –Rita Lake

“Deus ex Crown Victoria” –Big Ted

“Tell it to the hand that’s about to touch everyone’s groceries, attached to the person who felt sick last night.” –A Concerned Reader

“He went from suffering ill consequences due to drug dealing, to suffering ill consequences due to drug use, to suffering ill consequences without even enjoying money or drugs! Truly Tommy’s journey is a blessing — for us, not him.” –Ettorre

“It’s LSD 0: the only all-purpose cleaner on the market that guarantees that there is absolutely no LSD in their product. Why aren’t those other cleaners making that claim, huh? Makes you think.” –pugfuggly

“I have discovered puns, mother. The next thirty years of me living under your roof is going to be a living hell, mother. Crayoffs. CRAYOFFS, MOTHER!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“So Dennis is mature enough to understand and engage in fairly sophisticated wordplay, but not mature enough to stop literally writing on the walls? He’s not just a menace, he’s a menace savant!” –Ringo Beaumont III

“There’s no candy but Dagwood brought a pumpkin bucket, presumably because the party might drag on and he might need to relieve himself at some point.” –nescio

“Annie? There’s something you want to tell me, I can see it in your horrible empty white sockets. I mean, your eyes. I can see it in your eyes. Those are eyes. I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget.” –made of wince

“Did not expect this from a strip I mostly associate with ‘eaten alive by rats,’ but Dick Tracy aced the Bechdel Test today: three (3) women characters, with names, talking about something other than a man. Okay, the ‘vampire killer’ did turn out to be a man, but it’s the Brown sisters who are mentioned by name — and the Professor was perhaps more machine than man anyway, although this argument bodes ill for people with dentures.” –Skedastic

“There’s a whole vampire plot, Brenda Starr constantly sparkles in direct sunlight for some reason … can a Dick Tracy/Twilight crossover be far behind? Imagine the look on Dick’s face as the premise is explained to him, right before he opens fire.” –Dan

“’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’ would be a fitting anthem to The Lockhorns — you get the gist immediately but then it goes on longer than anyone would want.” –jenna

“My favorite image is Dolly holding the carrot in front of Bil as he plays horse. She is not getting any of the fun of the ride, but damnit, she is committed to the role play. ‘Come on, Daddy. Neigh for me! Neigh … for … me!’” –Joe Momma

“It’s almost as though Mommy can see Daddy’s rainy-day fantasy, and she shuts it down toot-sweet: ‘Bil, let me be perfectly clear as to why I married you: so you can fix shit.’” –Carsick Yankee

“See, the joke is that Big Daddy Keane doesn’t enjoy spending time with his kids. And who could blame him?” –Ace

“All the Daddy images are great, but my favorite is him carrying that trashcan by ignoring the handles and placing his hands in positions that give him excellent odds of a major spill. Talk about passive-aggressive revenge for the death of his rainy-day dream.” –Poteet

“No really, it’s two babies worth of fat: Marvin has been eating babies.” –pugfuggly

“‘Tell me which magazine NEEDS me.’ Oh, Mark, sweet Mark. You’ve lived in a salaried bubble too long.” –Living on Video

“Whenever a figure calls to you from the all-concealing shadows, Tommy, go to them! They’re probably made of candy!” –Victor Von

“‘Why the heck is Bean’s End all sold out of respirators?!’ wonders Crankshaft, blissfully unaware of a variety of current events.” –RexDartEskimoPi, on Twitter

“Congrats to our bird-man for keeping his first-generation flat-screen TV working for 20 years. Bad news looks just a little bit softer in 480p.” –BigTed

“This whole country is a Panic Room, in the sense that Kristen Stewart is in it.” –Ettorre

“We all deal with the adversity of modern life in different ways. Some, like Tommy, consider slipping back into comforting addictions. Others, like the Perfessor, succumb to madness. Crankshaft? Oh, he’s just gaslighting his own daughter for laughs. Business as usual, in other words.” –Doctor Moreau

“‘Sarah done something bad.’ Rex Morgan turned into Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury so quickly.” –Voshkod

“Normally I hate the Romantic Misunderstanding thing, but Tommy and Brandy are such absolute idiots that I welcome the ensuing confusion and refusal to clear things up with a simple conversation.” –TheDiva

“Am I the only one who wants Vin to get his own strip (or just take over this one)? I for one would love to read about the ongoing adventures of ‘a well-spoken gentleman of the street with a knack for quoting proverbs and surrounding himself with interesting people whose lives reflect the daily concerns of society’ (to paraphrase King Features’ summary of Mary Worth).” –Effluvius Erratus

“What do you do when you’re 38 years into writing a comic strip about a baby and you’re utterly out of ideas for defecation-based jokes? Maybe you look around the room for inspiration until you spy a goldfish bowl and think, ‘I bet those fish are miserable and hate both their lives and each other.’” –Joe Blevins

“The way he’s got that thing pointed at Tommy’s mouth, it looks more like a spoon to me. ‘Come on, Tommy, open the hangar… and in comes the airplane! Mmmm!’” –Peanut Gallery

“His killing people and taking their blood might gain him some awed respect among the other prisoners, provided they never see a picture of him looking like some sad bipedal catfish.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“The chaotic state of the Lockhorns’ marriage is reflected by the chaotic arrangement of their living-room furniture: Loretta’s chair points away from her visitor so that she stares blankly into the hallway, and the visitor’s chair, only a few inches away, offers their company a disturbingly close-up view of Loretta’s inner ear. It’s not as if they are unaware of these shortcomings: on the wall in the hall, the framed picture is… a completely blank rectangle. A simple yet beautiful, unmarred, Platonic ideal of geometric perfection. Yes, clearly they have goals of a finer, esthetically pleasingly life to which they aspire, yet here they are. You’re the Lockhorns, guys. Deal with it. (Leroy clearly has.)” –seismic-2

“You know Sairy is half-assing it because her picture’s not on the sign, costing her the crucial illiterate vote.” –Bill L

“If it were up to Leroy… meh, nothing is up to Leroy, or me either. We’re sea-level Sisyphuses, just rolling our respective boulders around, aimlessly.” –Just John

“I think it’s great how Hagar is getting a piggy-back ride up that ladder — and how jazzed that guy is to give him a piggy-back ride. That kind of loyalty and devotion really shows what great jarl Hagar’s been for his warband.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“Yeah, nothing like dried-out, 5,600-year-old linen on the ol’ butthole.” –Pozzo

“So many people overlook the simple cost-cutting benefits you get from having your home overrun by nightmarish monsters. Why buy paper towels when the werewolf in your kitchen is covered with fur and dries off in minutes? Why waste money on a two-hole punch when you’ve got a vampire in your home office? Why spend hundreds on air conditioning when the spine-chilling appearance of a vengeful ghost is just one closing-of-an-ajar-bathroom-mirror-cabinet away?” –jroggs

“Imagine being completely unfamiliar with the strip, and you saw it for the first time today. You’d have questions: Is the mummy the dogs’ owner? Is it Mother Goose? Why does the yellow dog hate his mother/owner/roommate so much? Why can you see the wall through the gaps in the bandages? I mean, even with context this is like a fever dream.” –made of wince

“To paraphrase Freud, ‘Sometimes the large, long barrel of a tank gun drawn at thigh level is just a long barrel of a tank gun drawn at thigh level.’ And ‘Sarge’s bedroom eye is just … I take it back. It’s a penis. The barrel of the gun is a huge phallic image. The whole thing is an overly homoerotic fantasy. There, I said it.’” –Joe Momma

“I, for one, am here for Mark Trail as a man out of time who speaks mainly in tortured retro slang. ‘If the snake is blue, twenty-three skiddoo! If there’s a cobra on your patio, beat feet, daddy-o! If the rattling gets louder, you’d better take a powder!’” –Doctor Moreau

“Oh, you’re using your made-up names. I’m Funky Winkerbean, then.” –Chyron HR

“Really loving the generic NEWS paper that just seems to have pictures and text placed haphazardly across the front page. I guess the publisher realized that their core audience is most used to reading the obituaries section and decided to use that same format for the rest of the paper.” –pugfuggly

“Ha ha, pluggers still read newsprint. That’s the intended joke, right?” –Just John

“Her phone is broken! Then we need to get over to the detention facility ASAP! Without access to AT&T’s nation-wide 5G network — which even works at Guantanamo Bay! — she’ll be bored out of her mind for the next twenty to thirty years! Without access to the Google App Store, she’ll never be able to download Angry Birds and Netflix, to while away the eternal hours before release or death! [Today’s Funky Winkerbean was sponsored by AT&T, the nationwide network, Google, which knows what you’re going to ask, and the year 2020.]” –Voshkod

“Pluggers talk like a Prohibition-era showgirl for some reason.” –TheDiva

“One of these days Pluggers is going to do some sort of comic where the punchline is going to be ‘a plugger’s Discord server runs usenet and IRC’ or ‘a plugger doesn’t need a massive-multiplayer online game as long as they can still telnet to their Mud’ and then I’m going to be very sad.” –vince

“Otis is asking his Dad for help because no-one has burned a CD since well before he was born.” –Rosstifer

“I picture the writer holding a tech dictionary from 2002 that his daughter got for him last year for a quarter at the library book sale, leafing through it and musing, ‘I need a verb here … that looks like one … okay, now for some nouns…’” –Tom T.

“Another person plugger in the tontine must’ve died. The last one still living gets that phone book.” –Joe Blevins

“Obviously Amy divorced him because he’s a real lightweight.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Ah! If I had a dollar for every time I casually reached for the decanter of wine as my wife made a demand and pounded her fist on the table, I’d have… well, I’d be divorced, actually. ” –Skeptical1