“Rex knows the obligations of his profession compel him to ask medical questions and receive answers from the aging husk of flesh before him, but goddamnit it doesn’t mean he’s obliged to LIKE it.” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“Sorry, but I don’t buy any of this. I can’t believe that the pirates would be so casual about a treasure map they’d just been studying. I can’t believe that Hagar would literally run home to tell his family he loves them. I can’t believe that his family would take him at face value, let alone be so enthusiastic about this. Most of all, I can’t believe Hagar’s vocabulary includes both ‘extraordinary’ and ‘incalculable.’” –Joe Blevins

“Look, buddy, walking around with that baby is already a perfectly good gimmick for picking up chicks. Adding an extra element to the scam is like putting a hat on a hat.” –BigTed

“On the one hand, the writer has given him the sort of unlikely pile-up of letters that a person who has never met a Polish person is likely to make up. On the other hand, ‘Tildy Bobrowski’ is the kind of super-charged zaniness Aunt Tildy is destined for, especially when she comes back to freeload again next year, after ol’ Andrzej here is dead.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Ah, Rex Morgan: the strip with a narration box that tells you exactly what’s going to happen, and then shows you that thing, regardless of how pointless or dull it might be. Never change.” –pugfuggly

“Given the grotesque Gasoline Alley aesthetic, I guess looking being a regular schlub is like the real world equivalent of being Pierce Brosnan.” –toxic

“The question isn’t whether Rex will violate HIPAA to tell Aunt Tildy all about Andrezjsfn’s personal history in an attempt to hook them up and get her out of his hair — of course he’s going to do that — but whether he’ll wait until the end of the day or cancel all his afternoon appointments at the last minute.” –TheDiva

“‘REMIND HIM WHAT I SAID ABOUT NO FOSSILIZED RECORD OF YETI OR YETI LIKE CREATURE EXISTING!!!’ [Takes out sign-off sheet. Puts initials in ‘2:30am’ box]” –Foodar

“Wilbur said ‘firsthand’ and ‘hard on’ in relation to long distance relationships to tell Hugo to get used to a lot of masturbation, but Hugo doesn’t speak English well enough to pick up the subtleties and will probably just cheat on Dawn.” –nescio

“Into Thick Air, a story of madness and tragedy in the Himalayas, will be the book that makes Mark famous. I mean, more famous. So famous that people who aren’t poachers and bass kidnappers will recognize him.” –Voshkod

“Times have been tough for Sam, without any clients in his new office. He has resorted to attaching a severed arm on top of his desk with the palm up, so that visitors can just drop cash into it without having to endure the annoyance of actually talking to Sam.” –seismic-2

“His stump speech will just be waving his paperback book in the air and asking if ‘you know who I am?’” –Rusty

“Dawn’s latest heartbreak comes when she realizes that she isn’t video-chatting with Hugo but, rather, watching a poorly dubbed anime on YouTube.” –Her Father, John Darling

“Long-distance relationships are always hard, but it must be especially rough with Hugo imprisoned in the Phantom Zone.” –Dan

“Look deep into your heart. It is a sex joke. You know this. No, don’t resist. Let the truth wash over you like a wave.” –pastordan

“Fire hydrant? Otto is imagining a trashcan to dispose of the bloodied and bruised body of the faux-patriarchal tyrant known as ‘Sarge,’ colored red as a means of communicating with his fellow comrades. Step two: fashion hammer and sickle out of his retrieved bones.” –Irrischano

“Look, I don’t mean to downplay Otto’s obviously abusive relationship with the Sarge, but if he can stand on his hind legs and tie the necktie on his uniform, he can probably just use the latrine.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“One the one hand, the comics desperately need new blood. On the other hand, I don’t immediately know every character in Daddy Daze‘s foibles. Does the baby poop like Marvin? Does the dad have a crappy office job with a controlling and incompetent general/owner? I need to have somehow learned all this by osmosis decades ago because I do not read the comics page to LEARN things.” –toxic

“So the Keane ancestors are demigods? Be very afraid.” –Tonio

“Later, all the snow falling dissipates the cloud, and Dolly and Jeffy are crushed by the heavy weather control machine.” –nescio

“‘On second thought, we don’t want a wake-up call.’ ‘I am going to give you one anyway: your horrible marriage is not an imposition, you are both comfortable in it because you enjoy the masochism tango and you fear that the real obstacle to your happiness is not your partner, but your horrible personality.’” –Ettorre

“Ok, let me understand this correctly: A hot young rich guy who totally worships you, regardless of your advanced age and deteriorating body, and insists on telling you so. Who suggests a doctor visit because he’s so concerned? Who accompanies you to said doctor’s appointment? Who cheerfully picks up your pharmacy order after dropping you off for your nap? Who happily functions as your personal meals-on-wheels service and shares/enjoys your medically-proscribed limited diet with you? This is not just a continuity strip, people. This has fully crossed the line into nursing home pornography.” –Hopester

“Speaking a someone with Celiac disease, there is no medical condition on earth, whether it be hypothyroidism, a concussion, or a psychotic break with reality, that would induce a person to say that any type of gluten-free sandwich is ‘really good.’” –Marcus Theory

“The women will be especially mad when they see that ‘BINGO TONITE‘ sign and find that it points to a tiny fortress with no way for them to get inside unless they want to climb through that window one at a time. Seriously, this building is such an architectural impossibility, the fact that Crock and Captain Poulet somehow managed to get to the roof constitutes a ‘moral victory’ in and of itself.” –Joe Blevins

“But how does robbing payrolls emulate a freedom fighter battling a totalitarian regime inspired by the backmasking panic of the early 1980’s?’ ‘…Look, can we just skip to the part where you become my futuristic robo-bride?’” –TheDiva

“Ugghh. Is he gonna force her watch that video? If he combines it with Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart,’ she may not make it. I know I didn’t.” –Mikey

“Isn’t determining if you want to speak to someone before you answer the phone just hilarious? Sorry, I meant ‘screening calls’. Isn’t determining if you want to speak to someone before you answer the phone just screening calls?” –JJ48

“Iris lost about 40 pounds overnight. I’m thinking it’s less love and more cocaine and enemas that agree with her.” –Where’s Rocky?

“I just realized that Mary must be about to unveil her new gluten-free muffin recipe. No one escapes that easily, Iris!” –Peanut Gallery

“‘To make you stronger‘ says Odin, not wanting to admit his son was right, the lightning and thunder take a lot of practice to control and no he should not be borrowing them.” –pachoo

“I’m really hoping that Leroy hasn’t been fired, he’s just been demoted to scaring pigeons away on the roof. Just imagine it; 8 hours a day, outside, in all weather conditions, shooting pigeons away, getting covered in bird shit, still wearing a full suit and tie because there’s no goddamn way he’s telling Loretta this just so she can have something else to mock him with. The daily dry cleaning is costing more than his paycheck, but fuck her, she’s never gonna have this to hold over him.” –Rosstifer

“A third eye? No son of mine will grow a third eye. We’re Innsmouth folks, born and inbred, and you’ll grow scales and gills like your grandfather and your great-grandfather, and you’ll swim down to Devil’s Reef some moonless night to mate with a flounder. Third eye … what do you think your mother was, a shoggoth?” –Voshkod

“Today Leroy Lockhorn ascends to face God. He is unfazed.” –Lee Sherman

“‘Global warming is of course a laugh riot, but do you know what else is comic gold? An outbreak of a new virus. Absolutely no way this joke will come across badly when it appears in papers a month from now!’ –the writer of Arctic Circle, some time in December probably” –Schroduck

“That recycled DTM joke has been in the archives for decades waiting on a Tonight Show host with the proper length name to fill the space where ‘Johnny Carson’ appeared forty years ago when this first ran in print. They just couldn’t make ‘Jay Leno’ fit the blanks and ‘Conan O’Brien’ came and went without the art team noticing.” –KrisTM

“The real menace in today’s panel is hiding in plain sight: ungrounded electrical outlets. Mr. Wilson should sleep easier next door, content with the knowledge that his young nemesis is simply one power surge away from a fried videogame system or (god of schadenfreude willing) burning to death in a house fire.” –Mighty Sean Young

“Looking forward to ten years from now, when none of us will remember a time that the strip was not called [small, perfunctory lettering] Rex Morgan and [large colorful logotype] GOOD OL’ AUNT TILDY.” –Old Man Muffaroo

“If there’s one thing this nurse and doctor can’t stand, it’s having uncomfortable conversations.” –BigTed

“A Woman, politely: ‘This is fun!’ Mason: ‘Actually, we’re here for business!’ Mason: [does something bizarre] A Woman, politely: ‘That’s how Mason does business.’ Mason: ‘Actually, it’s also fun!’” –Aaron

“I just wanted to see them before … you know … before the Morgan genes kick in at puberty and turn them into stunning but emotionless robots.” –pugfuggly

“Characters in Mary Worth must always share laughs. They are rare in that world, rare and fleeting. Taking a whole one for yourself would be the ultimate act of greed.” –Everything Is Better with Monkeys

“Looks like Crankshaft will have to give Keesterman a swirly or two until he remembers who it is makes the terrible wordplay around here.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Of course Cayla is not jealous that her husband had sex with another woman decades before they were married. She just recoils in horror every time she thinks about Les having sex. Even with her. Especially with her. This makes her the most relatable character.” –Ettorre

“Women be shopping, and men be … dying slowly of chronic diseases, I guess.” –TheDiva

“What I like about the characters in Snuffy Smith is their overwhelming enthusiasm for just about everything. I can’t remember what my reaction was when I first learned about direct deposit, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to yell, ‘Handy-dandy!!’” –Joe Blevins

“But seriously, folks: the pissier Rex gets, the more I love the strip. May his house be ever filled with pets and old people.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“In a world of birds, I would think newspapers are prized. After all, you need a lot of newsprint to line the floor of your house, because you birds have cloacae and can’t really regulate your excretion. Yeah, that’s right. For all the times we’ve seen the Perfessor [sic] in his chair, you have to assume he’s sitting on a pile of crap so huge that the United States could claim it under the Guano Islands Act.” –Voshkod

“Almost 67 years ago, on March 1, 1953, Charles Schultz published a Peanuts comic about how Kids Today had never seen a rocking chair. Just in case you wondered if Dennis the Menace was keeping up with the times.” –matt w

“‘Marcell Irby controls the glass.’ OK, so maybe it’s not the greatest super-power ever, but at least maybe it will enable him to enclose his enemies in a terrarium of some sort, and it certainly beats ‘Peter Parker controls the sofa.’” –seismic-2

“I barely noticed Marvin in today’s Marvin. More of this, please.” –nescio

“This is pretty funny. Leather rules? Imagine making anything out of a material that can’t stand being constantly soiled! What kind of life would someone have, do you think, to be able to enjoy something like that? [sobs gently]” –pachoo