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Apartment 3-G, 2/24/08

Too often, drunks get bad raps in the comics, and, for that matter, in life in general. But in panel three of today’s Apartment 3-G, Alan shows his serious side, exhibiting the grim determination needed to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible, and blot out whatever ill-defined pain he’s trying to blot out. He’s showing that no matter what obstacles he’ll have to overcome in the process, he’s going to drink the hell out that booze, and he will get blasted, as God as his witness, and he’ll never … be sober … again!

Funky Winkerbean, 2/23/08

Speaking of drunks, I’m pleased that all pretense of Funky Winkerbean title character Funky Winkerbean being sympathetic are finally being cast aside. I look forward to future installments in which we see the dark secrets behind Montoni’s successful rise to nationwide megachain: slave labor conditions, pizzas preassembeled in factories in Laos then frozen in liquid nitrogen for shipment overseas, and “pepperoni” made out of God knows what, intercut with scenes of Funky lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills.

Shoe, 2/24/08

Ha! It’s funny because … oh, wait, did I say “funny”? I meant “vile beyond description.”

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Hi and Lois and Shoe, 2/18/08

On the day on which we officially celebrate the birth of George Washington, and our many car dealers celebrate other, lesser, presidents, two comics have decided to honor America’s 43 chief executives by highlighting what they do best: running up huge deficits that scar our children emotionally. (Yes, I know, they have help from Congress on this, but Congress doesn’t have a holiday — a fairly puzzling development, when you think about the fact that Congress is in charge of voting holidays into existence.) Ditto Flagston has been rendered sleepless with terror in the face of the huge spending spree going on that places him and the rest of his cohort billions of dollars into debt before they even reach voting age; meanwhile, young Skyler Fishhawk is merely prematurely cynical when confronted with the abdication of governmental responsibility. Which outcome is more troubling?

Ziggy, 2/18/08

From day to day, Ziggy panels end up at various and seemingly random locations on a sliding scale of realism. On some days, we’re confronted with scenarios that might almost occur in real life, as Ziggy bickers with surly diner chefs or admonishes his pets; others seem more symbolic and dream-like, with our pantsless eponymous hero demanding self-aware automatons or confronting philosophical vending machines. Today’s installment is particularly trippy: are we to understand that the aphorism hanging over our bald, dwarfish protagonist is spray-painted on the blank expanse of wall that he’s standing in front of? Or is it something spoken aloud, but not contained in a word balloon because it’s the booming voice of our omnipresent creator? The stark shadow trailing behind Ziggy’s feet hints at the latter, as it would seem to indicate that he’s facing into some sort of blinding divine radiance. It’s kind of sad, but at the same time kind of unsurprising, that Ziggy’s God would speak in bland cliches.

Non Sequitur, 2/18/08

Non Sequitur no doubt prides itself on being the crankiest and most cynical strip around by an order of magnitude, so it’s kind of sad that today’s entry could be reworked without too much effort into a Pluggers installment.

Marvin, 2/18/08

Marvin takes a moment away from its cavalcade of hilarious ass jokes to remind you that having a child will destroy your sex life. Ha ha, so hilarious! I like that dad is holding a mug labelled “DAD”, as if to emphasize that he’s made the transition from vibrant, sexual being to exhausted, zombie-like baby minder. I’d say the heavy-lidded look of suicidal depression on the characters’ faces is another nice touch, but that’s pretty much what everyone in Marvin looks like all the time.

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Marmaduke, 2/2/08

In the aftermath of the assassination of Julius Caesar, the great orator Cicero became the most important figure in the Roman Senate; after a brief period of political truce, he began a series of increasingly bitter public speeches against Marc Antony, Caesar’s political heir. While these speeches — the so-called Philippics — are regarded as masterpieces of oratory, they also goaded Antony so much that the fragile political peace that held in Rome collapsed; in the ensuing brief but nasty civil war, Cicero was captured and killed by one of Antony’s soldiers. His severed head and hands were displayed in the Roman forum, but legend has it that first Antony’s wife Fulvia berated his head and pricked his tongue with needles as revenge against the invective he had hurled against her husband.

This is a roundabout way of wondering why the hell we can see Marmaduke’s owner’s legs under the table but not Marmaduke’s. My guess is that the family has finally risen up against the tyrannical monster that has ruled their life for so long, and that the matriarch can now say everything she ever wanted to say while he was alive to his enormous, lifeless, detached skull.

Shoe, 2/2/08

I’m guessing Skyler is less than keen to hear about the young, vigorous body you once had, Perfesser. In fact, seeing as I’ve always pegged him as being somewhere in the 10 to 13 range, he probably is less than keen to get bedtime stories from you at all. However old he is, it’s good to see in panel three that he’s already mastered that heavy lidded, life-has-crushed me look that his uncle presents so regularly.

Since we only hear the beginning of this story, the mystery of what happened to Cosmo’s 28-inch waist will probably remain ever mysterious; I wonder if his reluctance to get out of his chair and actually walk to the child’s bedside to read his bedtime story is contributing factor to the loss of his slender middle or a result of the same.

Wizard of Id, 2/2/08

Earlier this week, the Wizard of Id did a particularly egregious variation on its long-running “torture is hilarious” theme, but for some reason I found that less troubling than this strip, in which it’s posited that the best way to end poverty is to physically assault poor people. We can see the unconscious (or possibly lifeless) body of the medieval hobo in the background of panel three, so obviously our brave hero hasn’t taken things to the logical conclusion and eaten him.

Luann, 2/2/08

Well, sure, dad, but you could be terrified and then crushed, which could cause permanent paralysis. Honestly, this is basic first aid that Brad should have learned in his fireman’s training.