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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/24/16

I can’t stop laughing at “I’m an English governess and I know how babies are made.” “They’re made by s-e-x, June! P in V! Only English governesses are privy to this knowledge, while the rest of you lot believe your myths about the stork or the cabbage patch or what have you!” Or maybe this relates to June’s implication in the final panel; as an English governess, Heather knows that aristocratic British men can sire bastard children with their servants, but the wives of the wealthy can never do the same, no matter how badly they want to. What June is telling her is that it’s a new world now. Why, even British princesses have equal rights to inherit the throne as their brothers. Go for it, Heather. Jordan is waiting for you.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/24/16

I assumed that the newspaper clue was not the crossword barely visible at bottom right, but the paper sitting out on the chair at left, which Max had created with a laptop and some desktop publishing software that was also locked in the closet with him. Surely — surely! — Max’s disappearance would not be front page news. Definitely not banner headline front news. Definitely not cleverly composed photo front page news. Inside pages of local section, at best.

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Crankshaft, 12/23/15

YESSSSSS, CRANKSHAFT IS REALIZING THAT NOBODY LIKES HIM AND EVERYONE WANTS HIM DEAD

ENHANCE

ENHANCE

YESSSS THAT’S THE STUFF

Slylock Fox, 12/23/15

Hmm, I wonder what the answer to these fox-trivia questions are? Let’s take a look and OH MY GOD, INVERT AND ENHANCE

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

Mary Worth, 12/23/15

Haha, while Olive’s parents are off having animalistic sex, Mary will be busy turning Olive into a good Christian! It’s the perfect crime!

Wizard of Id, 12/23/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because those held captive in Id’s dungeons are forced to eat the dismembered remains of their fellow prisoners, like something out of the most nightmarish of horror movies, except this is a comic strip that runs in newspapers that aren’t allowed to print swear words or pictures of women’s nipples!

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Beetle Bailey, 11/29/15

Usually Saturday is the day Beetle Bailey sets aside for strips about the Halftracks’ awful, loveless marriage, but you have to really give the creative team kudos for using the full scope of a Sunday strip to hammer home how truly hellish this relationship is. My favorite part is the topical shift as we move from the second to the third tier of panels: sure, the General’s marriage is explicitly acknowledged as a prison, but his supposed hobby, the sort of thing one usually engages in for enjoyment, is also a punishment. The only solution is to numb the body and mind with alcohol! Anyway, I know there’s a lot of awful things happening in the world right now, but I honestly think this strip should be in the running for The Grimmest Shit In The Newspaper Today.

Panels from Slylock Fox, 11/29/15

In the top panel, the abruptly Awoken animals are using their newfound sapience to try to come to an understanding with the humans, to create a new, balanced form of existence in which all species can live in harmony. In the bottom panel, the animals are merely establishing an insincere truce under which they will gather their strength for the inevitable violent uprising that will wipe humanity from the planet. I don’t really think the other five differences matter all that much.

Judge Parker, 11/29/15

Years ago, back when Sophie was prepubescent weirdo savant rather than an alpha-cheerleader mean girl, she cheerfully admitted to spying on Neddy while she was doing “that tongue thing” with some now long-forgotten boy. Voyeuristically keeping tabs on Neddy’s sex life is a Spencer-Driver family value, is what I’m trying to say.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/29/15

Long story short, Cayla, the answer to your initial question is “not well.”