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Hi and Lois, 2/14/05

When I read this installment of Hi and Lois in the newspaper, I thought that there could be no greater horror than the sight of Hi making what appear to be “bedroom eyes” at Lois. Then I downloaded the colorized version of the comic, only to be confronted with inky blackness of the heart-shaped candy box that Hi has purchased, which I presume signifies some sort of S&M relationship between the two of them. I’d cry “But what about the children?” except that I’m reasonably sure that no children actually read Hi and Lois.

Trying to avert my mind away from the vision of Hi and Lois in fetish gear, I note that I’m not the only person with a home-based business who’s sometimes still wearing a robe when their partner comes home from the office. Of course, in Lois’ case, it just makes it all the easier to quickly change into … damn it, that didn’t work.

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Mary Worth, 2/13/05

Now, I know what you’ve been thinking: “Apartment 3-G and Mark Trail are all well and good, but what really packs ’em in the seats is Mary Worth. So where’s she been, huh?” Well, while Mark’s been battling sharks and drug runners, and Apartment 3-G has been all pregnant high schoolers and white slavery, exactly nothing of any even remote interest has been happening in the excruciating slow-motion romance of Anna and Dr. Brian. After something like ten weeks of cow eyes and Richard Bach quotes, at the beginning of February things finally seemed to be looking up when Brian’s high-powered lawyer ex-wife declared her intention to win his love back by any means necessary. However, her efforts fizzled in less than a week (which in Mary Worth chronology is an increment of time so brief that it can only be measured by the most precise atomic clocks) when Brian reminded her that they got divorced because they didn’t get along and had different interests. I’m glad she’s not my lawyer. (“And isn’t true that you lied about seeing my client at the crime scene?” “Objection, your honor!” “Oh, never mind, he’s guilty anyway.”) Then, as Dr. Brian said his final good-bye to his ex, they engaged in a brief, post-marital hug, which Anna spied; this raised the spectre of that least exciting of romantic complications, the Big Misunderstanding. However, after another brief week, Anna had bought her beau’s explanation, and horrid, treacly bliss was restored. Unless Brian’s ex is lurking back at his place with a gun, it looks like smooth sailing until the wedding, which should take place sometime in 2009.

A couple of artistic notes: We all know about Anna’s chameleon-like nature, but the woman in the rightmost panel in the second row is not the same woman who’s in the other panels of this strip. That version of Anna seems to be thinking: “The collagen injections into my lips didn’t go so well, but I’m not sure how to react.” Meanwhile, “happy” isn’t how I would describe the good doctor’s expression in the leftmost panel of the bottom row. I believe the word that Anna is looking for is “smug.”

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I’m guessing that there are a lot of you who often read this site and think to yourselves, “Gosh, I’d love to kick a buck or two Josh’s way,” but you haven’t purchased any of the Comics Curmudgeon store items because:

1. You think they’re poorly designed or in bad taste.
2. Your religion considers the logos to be “graven images.”
3. You’re not going to be a walking billboard for some jerk on the Web, man.

Well, fear not: now you can just send me your money directly and get nothing in return! I know, it sounds to good to be true. The only catch is that you need to set up a PayPal account to do so, which you know you’ve all already done so that you can buy antique Hummel figurines on eBay and what not. Just click on the donate link on the sidebar.

Of course, if you have purchased some Comics Curmudgeon stuff, I again urge you to photograph yourself using it, so you too can be world famous like Dalton here. And speaking of Dalton, I urge any of you who are troubled by any questions whatsoever to pose them to Dalton on his exciting new Website, askmeanything.org.