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Mary Worth, 5/16/05

You know, up until today, I would have described Mary Worth in many ways — as a self-important old biddy, as an evil, controlling harpy, as a kicky accessorizer with a cravat — but now I see her in another light: as simply pathetic. In a smug attempt to prove that she’s not an Alpo-eating alcoholic shut-in like Fay Begler, Mary summons up the ghostly shades of: Professor Cameron and his blonde trophy wife, who haven’t featured in the strip’s storylines in years, and combover king Wilbur and his wayward daughter Dawn. That constitutes her great fortune? Mary, allow me to be the first to break the news to you: just because the cruel gods that are Giella and Moy force them to live in your apartment complex and they don’t immediately flee when you start offering them your unsolicited advice doesn’t mean that they’re your friends. And you may be placing a bemused Dr. Jeff among your pantheon of well-wishers, but if I were you, I’d watch my back on this little boat trip, lest you end up in a Birdie-and-Barracuda-style watery grave.

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Beetle Bailey, 5/15/05

Here’s what offends me about today’s Beetle Bailey: the joke is not only par-for-the-BB-course lame, but could have very easily been made into a daily strip (just take panels three, four, five, and eight) without reducing the meager humor content at all. C’mon, Walker (Walkers?): while you were idling on the links, Bill Watterson was fighting tooth and nail to get you extra non-fungible Sunday space! The least you can do is take advantage of it. Since Beetle Bailey has a well-known affection for single-panel strips that presumably take less time to draw, you’d think the strip could at least offer mega-panel Sunday editions that would allow more loving detail to be lavished on Miss Buxley’s breasts.

Here’s what doesn’t offend me about today’s Beetle Bailey: the idea that Sgt. Snorkel is going to be disappeared into to some Abu Ghraib-style hole, locked in a cage, forced to wear a dog collar, and interrogated by military intelligence until he begs for mercy. That’s just good clean fun. Go easy with the glow-sticks, boys!

I do have to say that the center panel reminds me that I like the shoes in Beetle Bailey. It’s like the Keep On Truckin’ Guy joined the army and moderated his stride a bit. Also, General Halftrack’s over-the-phone thought balloon joins Mary Worth’s earlier soundless sound in the annals of cartoon oddity:

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Yes, it’s that time again, everybody: time to reveal what kinds of sickos and perverts are out there plugging their filthy and baffling search terms into Google and other, lesser, search engines. The latest crop included: “past mother’s day foxtrot comics -dance -suicide -waltz” (because you sure don’t want any alarming dance-related results), “can god bring you back from the dead to have super powers” (he only did it once, I’m sorry to say), “funny things to put on a gravestone,” “when bc was funny” (I suppose there must have been a time), “hilarious comics about adultery” (is there any other kind?), “angry fat kid rapping” (Brent really seems more befuddled than angry to me), “hair styles of the rich and filthy rich,” and “how to tell if you have high cheekbones” (“Step 1: Get a mirror”). Also, someone sent me a secret message via the search engines: “how are you today josh? read any good comics?” Very well, thanks, but no, I haven’t today.