Archive for December, 2005

OK, so I was planning on pounding out comics entries until the bitter end of the week, but it turns out that I can’t. So, this will be the last entry of 2005. We’re departing for our various wacky Christmukkah journeys tomorrow and won’t be back for a while, so this will have to sustain you until January 2. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Morons in berets … on parade!

Other than that, I got nothin’, comics-wise.

I do, however, have something that I’ve been planning for a while that you might enjoy: Josh’s blog-n-alternative-comics roundup! First, the blogs. Unlike many bloggers, I don’t have a “blogroll” of favorite links in my left-hand column. This is because my left-hand column is already too damn cluttered, plus I think I’m better than everyone else. But for those of you who are interested, here are some blogs that I read regularly and that anyone who’s anyone should also read:

• First off are blogs by three of your fellow Curmudgeon readers and commentors. There’s Subdivided We Stand by Smitty Smedlap, possibly the only man in America more obsessed with Mary Worth than I am; Foma* by yellojkt, who keeps it real in the E.C. and goes into a lot of depth on the FBOFW front; and The Conical Glass by loudfan, whose brilliant Mary Worth/Black Eyed Peas “My Humps” mashup I somehow managed to neglect to link to.
• Then of course there’s Drink At Work, whose awesomeness you should already be familiar with, though you should reacquaint yourself with it frequently.
• Waiter Rant is an excellent blog written by an anonymous waiter at a fairly fancy bistro in New York. Find out everything you wanted to know about just how badly — and, sometimes, how well — people treat their fellow human beings when they think they’re in a position of power over them. You’ll never order dinner the same way again.
• Mini Proportions is a blog written by a friend of mine who goes by the name of “Little G.” She has recently taken on the life of a lesbian ex-pat hausfrau in Vancouver (well, the lesbian part isn’t recent, but you get the idea). With lots of time on her hands, she blogs about the absurdities of being an American north of the border. One thing you’ll learn is that Canadians really don’t like it if you don’t finish your food.
• Mlik.org is the online home of our friend Dalton. He’s recently taken to promoting a nonexistent New Age band called “Star Magick,” so I’m starting to get a little worried.

And then, of course, there’s comics. My schtick here is all about the newspaper funnies, but there’s a bevy of comics I read online that you won’t see in the daily news:

• Alien Loves Predator is about an Alien and a Predator that are roommates in New York City. They live with Jesus for a while too. It’s hard to explain much beyond that, but it’s frickin’ hilarious.
• With a sprawling cast of well-developed storylines, more than a dozen continuing storylines at any given moment, and plenty of justified left-wing anger, Dykes To Watch Out For is everything Doonesbury wants to be but hasn’t been in years.
• I’ve linked to Spamusement! Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines! before, but it’s worth repeating. New ones haven’t been updated for a while, but you owe it to yourself to surf through the tear-inducingly funny archives. My personal favorites include: identify brontosaurus crockery shabby taunt, I was always embarassed, but not now, When will you start dating again, Who cares if it hurts, An Email From God!, But I’d like to, Women change your life, I sure wish you weren’t so silly, If you die tonight, what happens to your family tomorrow, and ha ha ha your penis is so small Elijah :).
• Can a comic be funny even if it includes the exact same art every day with only the dialogue changed? It can if it’s Dinosaur Comics! Again, hard to explain, but go through the archives. You will not regret it!

So that’s it for me for 2005! It’s been a swell year, and I hope you and yours have a happy end-of-year celebration of your choice. See you in 2006!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/20/05

Wow, how much do I not find the current Rex Morgan, M.D. storyline interesting? A lot. I find it a lot not interesting. I’m not even going to bother summarizing Scrap Iron Jack’s boring quest for a good poker game, which seems to have occupied the last umpteen weeks. I do have to say that our one-eyed vet’s sweaty brow and vibrating head don’t really match up with what I understand to be the typical symptoms of compulsive gambling. He’s looking for Texas Hold ‘Em, not smack. Unless this is about the painkiller subplot that was dropped like a hot potato towards the beginning of this tedious slog, I’m unimpressed.

Anyway, the only reason I find this comic worthy of mention is the coif on our fetching bartender here (you probably can’t read it in this low-res graphic no matter how much you stare at her ample bosom, but her name tag indicates that she’s “Iris”). It’s shiny. Very, very shiny. Why is it shiny? How is it shiny? Is the answer to either question related to her daring decision to wear black lipstick to work? It’s the answers to these questions that Rex Morgan, M.D. should be tracking down, but Iris will no doubt be long forgotten by the time Jack gets to his first Gamblers Anonymous meeting sometime in 2009.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/19/05

OK, let’s leave aside the fact that Hagar and Lucky Eddie are Odin-revering pagans and wouldn’t care about this so-called “Christmas” anyway. They could still have themselves a rockin’ solstice party on their boat. A little yule-log worship, a lot of mead, and then some savage pillaging of northern France, burning scores of villages to the ground, killing the men and enslaving the women and children. Should be a hoot!

Mainly, this comic struck me because it’s further proof that major comics artists are stealing my thoughts. Think I’m a paranoid loon? Well, read this article in today’s Baltimore Sun and then decide for yourself. But if you want to see a picture of me in my robe, or of a faithful reader of this blog wearing a lampshade for a hat, you’ll have to go out and lay your hands on a physical copy of the paper. (It’s not too late, Baltimore-area folks!)

Update: Hmm, since last I looked, they’ve added pictures to the online story, so save your 50 cents. (You’re really not going to understand what I’m talking about without looking at it now, so click the link, I beg of you.)

Family Circus, 12/18/05

There’s all sorts of interesting things to say theologically about Sunday’s Family Circus, like about how different manifestations of God fulfill different needs within the human soul, or how monotheistic religions gradually develop an array of more accessible intercessor figures, and blah blah blah. Mostly what I want to point out about this comic is HOLY CRAP GOD’S THRONE IS FRICKIN’ SWEET. Seriously, I want one of those in my house in front of the TV. Though it doesn’t look all that comfortable, seeing as He appears to not be sitting on His Throne so much as standing in His Celestial Witness Box. But still, it’s pimped out. I could do with the mobs of pygmy-sized seraphim singing my praises, too, while I just lean back with my palms extended soaking it all up.

Several people wrote to me claiming that the blinged-out golden G at the top of this piece of omnipotent furniture indicates that God Almighty is a Green Bay Packers fan. Bite your tongue! Green Bay may be one of the oldest teams in the NFL, but God, and presumably His Throne, have existed since before time began, so a certain midwestern football team should just consider itself lucky that it hasn’t heard from the divine legal department regarding trademark infringement. However, the fact that this particular initial adorns the Heavenly Chair confirms what we here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. have known for years, which is that God speaks English.

Note that God’s radiance is very similar to Margo’s. The theological implications of that are frankly way too disturbing for me to dwell on.

Apartment 3-G, 12/17/05

Now, I was already planning on commenting on today’s Apartment 3-G after reading it in glorious black and white in today’s paper, as God intended. Mostly, I wanted to express my admiration for the awesome glowing radiance around Margo, which is no doubt accompanied by a choir-of-angels-style Ahhhhhhhh, and additionally draw attention to her kinda scrawny legs. But when I logged on to see the strip online, I was stunned and amazed to learn that the King Features coloring gnomes could in fact lower the quality of their work. I mean, look at this hatchet job. Tommie’s hair is now Carrot Top orange; Margo doesn’t just have flesh-colored lips, but flesh-colored eyes; and, most egregiously, her knee-high leopard-print hooker boots are now inexplicably blue. Yeesh.

I like the phrase “blots her lipstick with a fresh hundred-dollar bill.” As opposed to, you know, a old, crumpled one, which wouldn’t cost as much. “Barbara! This hundred dollar bill is Series 2001! Get me one with the current Treasury Secretary’s signature on it immediately!” I also like the fact that Tommie is looking to the left at nothing in particular in panel two. It’s as if she got halfway into yet another self-aggrandizing Margo drama moment and just lost interest.

Judge Parker, 12/16/05

So apparently Harvard Law School will let you buy one of their sweatshirts even if you haven’t taken the class on sexual harassment law.

(I know, I know: with all that sexy eye-gouging talk the other day, she was just asking for it.)