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For Better Or For Worse, 5/1/07

Actually, I’m pretty sure I can’t say it any better than I did on the previous metapost: AAAAHHHH NOOOO THE MUSTACHE NOOOO.

The dialog in the first couple of panels is a little hard to parse, but it seems to be implying that Elizabeth is a bridesmaid, yes? That’s nice, considering that Shawna-Marie last appeared in the strip more than two years ago (at which time I quite gratuitously called her a “Québécois hillbilly”), and then appeared only as a vehicle to talk shit about the Mustache’s wife.

I also like the quote marks around “cream.” That way we know she’s really saying “slut.”

Archie, 5/1/07

Ah, Archie-Laugh-Generating-Joke-Unit 3000, someday you’ll pass that Turing test! But today is not that day, my bleeping mechanical friend. Obviously, the teacher’s gist is not hard to follow, but apparently the ALGJU 3000 was given some kind of upper limit to the number of words to its punchline, since the joke has been compacted into a sentence no human would ever utter.

It’s a good thing the word balloon was kept small, though, as otherwise we wouldn’t be treated to that vast expanse of empty wall.

Gil Thorp, 5/1/07

Surely Clambake’s “home remedy” will involve some ungodly country-style poultice made out of cornstarch and crawdad juice, but I’d love to see him say, “Here’s my home remedy: get the ball over the damn plate, kids. Now go get Clambake some whiskey.”

Judge Parker, 5/1/07

Here’s my new nickname for Cedric: He’s the butler who shared too much. Cedric, I know you’re all young and hip and a “new generation of domestic servant” or whatever, but the whole point of being a butler is that you completely fade into the background. No sign of your personality should be evident to those for whom you buttle (note: “buttle” is an actual verb). If you must have a sex life, it should revolve around service to your employer, as Groves’ does. At no point should a simple heavily-armed back alley rescue-and-extraction devolve into an animated description of your various kinks and/or fears about mortality. With this kind of attitude, you’re going to remain a temp forever.

And now, a couple of jokes about Cedric’s freaky-looking right hand in panel three.

Joke one: I’d be worried about growing old too if the arthritis in my hand were as bad as Cedric’s!

Joke two: In panel three, Cedric is flashing the sign of his gang, the “Cradle Robbers.”

Mark Trail, 5/1/07

Poor Rusty doesn’t understand that he’ll never be able to go anywhere with Mark. That’s why there’s the electric fence around the cabin: so that nobody in the outside world will accidentally look upon his hideous, misshapen face.

Marvin, 5/1/07

You know what would be funnier? If this joke were used in Momma!

See, Momma is often about an old woman and the old men who try to woo her and …

OK, you know what? That was probably over the line. I apologize. Carry on.

420 responses to “FOOBOCALYPSE: DAY ONE”

  1. Galactic Emperor Chennux®™©
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]



  2. Pozzo
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    Actually, the “Marvin” joke would work just fine in “The Middletons,” too. Ahh, old folks…

  3. Galactic Emperor Chennux®™©
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]


  4. Trotzenbonnie
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Teacher: Nice try, Archie. But reaching the doorway isn’t the same as baseball.

    Archie: Is it farther to Chicago than by bus?

  5. Herro!
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Is it just me, or do Candace and Shawna-Marie have the same hairstyle (only now, Candace’s is red)? I’m so confused.

    I do, however, echo Josh’s sentiments: “AAAAHHHH NOOOO THE MUSTACHE NOOOO”

  6. Pozzo
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Also, would a “Judge Parker” first-timer look at today’s strip and say, “If Clark Kent had to rescue Spiderman’s wife, wouldn’t it have been easier if he had switched to his Superman costume first?”

  7. Johnny Q
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL: Think Rusty is the abandoned bastard child of Alfred E. Neuman?

  8. lull89
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Anyone want to tell me why Liz’s eyes blink on the FOOB website? It’s like her souless dead eyes become a little more real, and you belive the devil is on the way.

  9. willethompson
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:09 am [Reply] from the last thread now that Josh has the appropriate JP strip up...

    JP: “You like them young, don’t you Cedric?” Cedric, my friend, that is the sound of Abbey’s thighs creaking open. Abbey is flashing back to the time when she was wearing a flimsy burnoose and fingering a glass of Chateau Lafitte, waving a sign that said “I’M A WENDY’S BURGER – HOT AND JUICY!” between her knees only to hear her sham of a lawyer husband say that he needed to ‘attend to his briefs’ and HE WASN’T USING DOUBLE ENTENDERE!

    I hear the sound of a grudge fuck on the horizon. “So, you like ‘em young, eh? Do the young ones know how to do this?” Abbey will ask as she slurps a coat hanger into her mouth and three seconds later spits out a Slinky.

    You’re a big boy, Cedric, you need the firm flanks of an experienced equestrienne who will let YOU wear the spurs. Aunt Rachel can show you where she keeps the bridle. And don’t think Abbey didn’t notice your shibari skills in binding the punks. Just whisper ‘ligottage’ to Abbey – she knows THAT much French.

  10. brogonzo
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    The Archie Joke-Generating Computer 3000 didn’t really do a great job with Arch’s line in panel one, either… “The only way I can make it safe is if I slide!”

    I’m pretty sure nobody’s ever said that before, either.

    Also, I’m sure it’s been pointed out already, but the AJGC-3000 needs to learn some new punctuation. All it can use at the moment to indicate the end of a sentence is exclamation points and question marks.

  11. Chupper
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    I like to think that somewhere out there in comicsland, even Scaduto is yelling “AAAAHHHH NOOOO THE MUSTACHE NOOOO OH, YEAH-H-H—!!”

  12. willethompson
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    …and if the bride will be “in cream,” I guess that means she’s already been “creamed in.”

    Sorrysorrysorry, but it was RIGHT THERE!

  13. Zerelda
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    Longtime lurker here. As long as the eventual melding of Lizardbreath and Pornstache was simply an twinkle in Lynn Johnston’s oddly blinking eyes, I have been content to hold my tongue and engage in quiet personal prayer. (please, no, please, please, no) But now that the ball has been set in motion by, no, not Meddling Ellie, not Last-Train-to-Boredom John, but Liz herself, who thinks there is still something to “find out” about Anthony. (As if the basement child-cage didn’t tell her all she needs to know.) I must now speak out. But words fail me. So I must simply repeat what Josh has so elegantly stated. AAAAHHHH NOOOO THE MUSTACHE NOOOO

  14. Trotzenbonnie
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    If having big hands means a man is packing a kilo of kielbasa in his pants, then Cedric’s withered claw screams ‘Slim Jim’!

  15. Perky Bird
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    If FOOB and Rusty’s hideous face scare even the mighty Chennux, perhaps the Emperor could combine both images with his dreaded magmacannon and create a truly horrible weapon no force in the universe could withstand!

  16. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Good catch, Josh.

    “Cream” in quotes is the bride’s magazine equivalent of “luckily, the bride and groom are only distant relatives.”

    Oh, if only this Quel Horrorbilly wedding would end with the groom suckerpunching Anthony and Liz getting it on with some Quebecois relative of the bride in the back of his ’77 Monte Carlo.

    Nothing – NOTHING! – says white trash wedding like all of the bridesmaids wearing “different pastel colors.” When they go out on the dancefloor at the reception for the obligatory “Devil with the Blue Dress” mashup, it’s going to look like seven 5-gallon tubs of sherbet with White Rain bouffants melted together into a writhing pool of excess. And Anthony will be sporting his pleasure right there for all to see.

  17. Johnny
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Re: the Archie punchline — I actually thought it was too verbose rather than clumsily short. Wouldn’t a simple “Nice try, Archie!” have gotten the message across? (Or, to oversell the lame joke in Archie fashion, “Nice try, Archie, but you’re out!”) And as an added bonus, it would sound like an actual human sentence.

  18. Meander
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    #9 — that is probably the ultimate comment. For anything. Ever.

  19. Camster
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Dingo, your last paragraph gets my vote for COTW.

  20. TybeeDawg
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    FOOB: The bride will be in “cream?” I didn’t know they were touring again. Is April’s band opening?

    MT: Sorry, gap-toothed little boy, you are doomed to stay in the Lost Forest forever, feeding the animals and watching out for giant skunks for all eternity.

  21. Chupper
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    It appears that as of yesterday, BC started running old strips. The following paragraph is posted at, which officially says they won’t be letting the strip end gracefully.

    “To our editors and readers: I’m sure you’ve heard the sad news about Johnny Hart’s passing. We are all mourning his loss. Johnny created two of the most successful comic strips in history, and it was important to him that B.C. and The Wizard of Id continue after his death. Regarding the strips, nothing will change. The Hart family has been involved for years, and both strips will continue without interruption. At this time, newspapers and websites have received the dailies through April 28, 2007, and for the Sundays through May 20, 2007, for both B.C. and The Wizard of Id. In tribute to Johnny, his family will be selecting six weeks of their favorite B.C. strips to honor his memory. These tribute strips for the dailies will run between April 30-June 9, 2007, and the Sundays between May 27-July 1, 2007. After those six weeks, B.C. will continue on its regular schedule. The Wizard of Id, by Parker and Hart, will continue without interruption. Please feel free to contact Creators Syndicate if you have any questions. “

  22. Lunch Lady
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    Wait a cotton pickin’ minute: Didn’t CANDACE also go to school with Liz and Anthony and Shawna-Marie?

  23. Anonymous
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    FOOB: I just can’t get too worked up here. Liz has for some time looked like the recipient of an icepick to the frontal lobe. Maybe she did, while her idiot father was doing a root canal. At any rate, she’s about vapid enough to be right for the ‘stache-man.

    Marvin: Don’t worry, Josh. I thought the same thing. And it was Tom Armstrong who brought up diapers as a form of pair-bonding, so where exactly is the line?

  24. Dave H
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    That FOOB flashback of Shawna-Marie’s last appearance was to a January 2005 post that only generated 18 mainly grouchy comments. Today you’ll probably get 200 or more mainly grouchy comments. I’m beginning to suspect this so-called “Josh” is really a shill for Lynn Johnson and this website is secretly dedicated to steering more people into the hellish FOOBverse.

  25. Lynngineering
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: Those of us already working away in the yesterthread on Teusday’s signal of the Foobpacolypse have done the C.C. Foobian primal scream. Only April remains to resolve for Michael in his coma, and she isn’t going down without a fight. It’s between April and Michael, each has to do what needs to be done: coma 4 evah.

    MT: The boy.. is he supposed to look like a cross between Mark and Cherry, if Cherry had actually been having an affair with a deranged chipmunk?

  26. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    #23 was me. I cleaned out all the cookies and junk from Explorer because it was, and we mean, getting slo-o-ow. But then when I responded to this post, whaaa? Suddenly AFKAB is just plain ol’ anonymous, oh yeah-h-h-h.

  27. GotFuzzy
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    I don’t even have the energy to vent at the Rise of the Lovepocalypse. It will happen. LJ has decreed it so. We are but pawns in her game. But I’m on record as saying I don’t like it.

    So, Rusty’s right profile features the WAPSy nose and helmet hair that any mid-market news anchor would be proud to have. His left profile is a fright-wigged Chucky doll. And somehow when you put ‘em together you get, ummmmm, a Shrinky-Dink Andy Griffith?

    And we see why Archie would never survive in the rough and tumble world of (DT)GT. He should know that it’s faster if you run through the base rather than slide. Unless the teacher was waiting at the door to slap a tag on him, he should have just turned on the afterburners. Ol’ Clambake can enlighten him.

  28. brogonzo
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Rusty: “Maybe I can take pictures for you!”
    Mark: “You might be on to something there, Rusty… but I was thinking that when I get back from my skunk-tracking adventure, you could maybe be in some pictures for me. It’s a good thing you don’t have any next-of-kin to notify!”

  29. mere cog in the machine
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Rusty is an excellent approximation of what the more aggressive, domineering hillbilly/rapist from ‘Deliverence’ may have looked like as a boy. He’ll “take care” of Cherry, alright…….Looks like we got us a sow instead of a hog! Sooooeeeeeeee!

  30. Mr. Coffee Nerves
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    I think the Archie scripts are the product of writers fired from the old “Superfriends” show.

    “I’ve only got a second to stop the Riddler before he sprouts a half-chub in his tights from looking at Wonder Woman! I better not set myself on fire AND FAST”

    And Dingo, I hope Lynn didn’t read your comment, because she’ll be suing you for pre-plagiarism of her wedding extravaganza.

  31. gnome de blog
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    I have yet to understand why Elizabeth deserves better than Anthony’s mindless adoration. She escaped the compound and came back, apparently of her own free will. She’s a loser. The Moustache is her destiny.

  32. Motorposus
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Have you ever been flipping through National Geographic and been taken by surprise by a super-magnified image of a spider’s bristly, fanged visage? My encounter with Rusty in today’s comics was a lot like that. I kind of hate to make that comparison, though, because spiders are very useful creatures.

  33. Rebochan
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Cream. Also known as “hussy white.”

  34. Red
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    GT: Does it say something about me that “home remedy,” to me, sounds like they’ll be throwing “strikes” right over “the plate” everyday at “practice” while Clambake critiques their “technique” with a “firm hand”?

    I think it does. Goddamn Gil Thorp.

  35. mattt
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    FOOB- Aw, c’mon, folks. We all knew this was coming. Liz and the ‘Stache will get married right before Lynn transistions the strip to its frozen-in-time state and we’ll get to see them raise his little girl 4Eva. At least until the strip becomes about the talking dog.

    And we all know that every comic strip eventually becomes about a talking dog.

    MT- So, does Rusty grow up to become Batman’s nemesis Two-Face? I mean, look at the profiles in the first two panels. They’re clearly not the same guy.

    And the kid in the last panel is just little Laura Ingalls with a K. D. Lang haircut and a dye job.

  36. NotThatGuy
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]


    In other observations, Cedric has allowed his hand to get too close to the kryptonite, foiling Clark Kent’s attempt to mask his secret identity and temp job.

  37. Chris
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Lost Forest must be in West Virginia, because Rusty doesn’t need a “teethbrush”, he needs a “toothbrush”, and floss is strictly redundant.

    Pore lil’ boy gots hisself only one big toof, with a cleft right under his nose.

  38. Jobiska
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: Today’s strip really bugs me.

    No, not for the generally assumed reason. I don’t really care that much whether or not Liz and Anthony get together. (I know, sacrilege).

    It’s for two reasons:

    A) if Liz and Anthony and Shawna-Marie “all went to school together,” why didn’t Shawna-Marie INVITE Anthony? Sure, brides often have only a limited number of invitations…but then why give Liz an open “and guest” invitation, especially if she’s a bridesmaid and has duties to attend to anyway and will be artificially “paired up” with a groomsman? Does Shawna-Marie read this site and thereby hate Anthony as much as most of you all do? If so, how will she feel when he shows up anyway as Liz’s guest?

    B) I thought I recalled that Liz also knew Candace from school, although they first started to be friendly in college. So why the exposition (except for the obvious reason–to clue the reader in?) I went to double check on the FBOFW site. “Candace and Liz went to grade school together but weren’t close friends until they ended up as roommates in college. ” Okay, so, hmm…maybe Shawna-Marie is a high school friend instead. But no, the website also lists her as a grade school friend. Plus…unless there’s a strange coincidence, Candace is in town for the wedding. So Shawna-Marie must like Candace enough to invite her, even though she doesn’t have the added shared history of college like Liz does. (Was Liz the only intolerant one in grade school? I seem to recall her almost disliking Candace then, or at least being really turned off by her wild ways–and wasn’t she quite taken aback when she found she was Candace’s assigned roommate? Was Shawna-Marie more open-minded? Or has Liz become the glue in the Shawna-Marie/Candace relationship and they’ve all gotten closer despite physical and temporal distance? Other than through Liz, when would S-M have even had the chance to see Candace since their not-too-close relationship in grade school?).

    So anyway…if Shawna-Marie knows and likes Candace well enough to invite her…why does Candace need the exposition that L, A, and S-M were all in school together, and, again, why hasn’t S-M already invited Anthony, who did not engender dislike in grade/high school the way Candace did, and who has the added benefit of living in town like S-M and now Liz do? (Has she seen Anthony’s basement or something?)

    I would be a lot happier if Candace’s words in the fourth panel were not “What about Paul?” but “Duh, I know that, I was there, remember!?”

  39. DaveyK
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    It’s odd that Clambake and Coach Thorp are talking about baseball, since the players behind them do not appear to be throwing or catching baseballs as it is commonly understood by human beings. If I had to guess, I would say they are either playing lacrosse with really short crosse or Jai Alai with webbed cesta.

  40. lylebot
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    The ALGJU 3000 is in the Uncanny Valley.

  41. MrP
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    Oh god Rusty’s metamorphosing into Alfred E. Neuman! Run! Run for the hillllls!

    Seriously, that’d be an awesome plot line. Things go as normally, but suddenly, Rusty’s become Alfred E. Neuman, and from there on, it’s the Mark Trail version of Kafka’s The Metamorphosis. It all ends with Rusty dying from the apple buried in his back. Yes.

  42. Plasma
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:35 am [Reply]

    I’ve been trying to figure out what the eventual grim fate will be for this priceless collection of comix in Funky Winkerbean. Obviously, it will be destroyed before it can bring any joy, or this wouldn’t be FW. The question is, how? My first thought would be a fire (in which that old lady and the young chick would inevitably perish, but that’s probably too little suffering for an FW character). But then, is it possible, I wondered, that the magazines could somehow catch cancer? Mark my words, if there is a way for dead paper and ink to catch cancer, FW will find it.

  43. Gabe
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    Josh hit nearly every comic I thought he would, plus JP.

    But no mention of the disturbing PBS and BB? Comedy Gold!

  44. Justafoob
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Liz is such a snot.

    The bride will be in “cream”. You know, she put out before she was married. What a slut. She was known as the town pump.

    When I wed Granthony, I will be in a shimmering WHITE gown. The only cream that will be at the altar will the bit of cream doughnut stuck to Granthoy’s ‘stace.

    Geez, Liz, if you had even gone to third base with some of your dates, you might be on the path to happiness not on the train tracks to boredom with dear, sweet, Granthony.

  45. Paperback Rifler
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    For Better or Far Worse, aka (THTI)FOOB: Ah, so Liz finally gives voice to her heretofore unspoken yearnings for that sweet, forbidden Pornstache love. It kind of makes Funky Winkerbean‘s relentless cancer talk seem cheerily palatable by comparison, doesn’t it?

    (re: “Pornstache love,” there’s probably a “Muskrat Love” parody in there somewhere, but it’s quite beyond me. Or maybe a “Radar Love” parody that is also beyond me. Feh!)

    Beetle Bailey: Wow. Sarge just dismembered Beetle right there in front of the base Chaplain. It’s as if this strip has been guest-scripted by Quentin Tarantino, minus the snappy dialogue and the striking visuals.

    Mark Trail: It’s a good thing that Rusty didn’t offer to take pictures yesterday when Mark and Cherry were getting their LoFo freak on. The result would have been a photographic mess with inflexible torsos and stiffly awkward limbs sticking out all over the place, sort of like if you disrobed a Barbie doll and a Ken doll and smacked them together.

  46. Jobiska
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    #22: Ha, Lunchlady, You took one sentence to say what I said in about a hundred!

  47. MrP
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    And speaking of creepy plotlines, someone’s eventually going to discover that Clambake was the guy behind (Insert great baseball star dude here)’s success, and he’s been dead for exactly thirteen years! It’s not all that far-fetched, given the evil artist ghost hallucinating in Apartment 13.

  48. Bob
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Rusty: The resultant product when William H. Macy man-raped Beaver Cleaver.

  49. ElSanto
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Eh heh. I was looking through the comments from that FBOFW flashback link, and they truly are a sight to behold. Dry, confrontational, and really comics-obsessive. Josh’s (I think that’s who “Curmudgeon” is, anyway) comment summed it up the best: “wow, this is one of the weirdest, un-funny comments section yet.”

  50. wazzu62
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Rusty – “Maybe I can take pictures for you!”

    Mark – “Not today Rusty. Here’s some rope, now be a good boy and go floss your tooth.”

  51. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    #42, to be just a little on the pedantic side, the comics collection is in “Crankshaft”, not Funky Winkerbean Prime. This basically means that whatever tragedy befalls will be served with a side of old man sarcasm.

  52. velouria73
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    MT: Does anyone else just feel sad when they see Rusty? With his glass-eyed stare and cleft-palette teeth, well, I can hardly look at him without wanting to sponsor him through Save the Children. Come on, Jack Elrod! Why must Mark get all the good looks?!

  53. teenchy
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    All the “bride in cream” comments remind me of the episode of the cartoon The Critic in which Jay’s sister Margo is being fitted for a debutante ball gown. Margo’s tailor assumes her gown will be white, but asks her anyway; Margo replies “yes….but not the gloves” (or something to that effect).

  54. velouria73
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    oh, forgot to mention: FOOB letters are up! If you want to vomit, go read Mike’s.

  55. Admiral Crunch
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    Rusty: What, me worry?

  56. AirForbes
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    (DT)GT: Yep, there’s a home remedy for all those walks – stop playing baseball with that damn Ping-Pong ball!

  57. Jeanne
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    Repost from previous thread:
    From this month’s installment of Foobiture, here is a direct quote from Mike’s letter:
    “Every character, every event, every turn of phrase is generated by “the gift”. Sometimes, I can’t quite access the magic that drives the urge to write and at other times, it takes over.”
    “The gift?????” Who the hell does this clown think he is? Better yet, who does Lynn think SHE is? The dreck that they exhibited as a sample of his writing could have won the Bulwer-Lytton fiction award . Snoopy’s ” It was a dark and stormy night” ranks right up there with Ulysses as compared with Mike’s “Little house on the Tundra”

  58. Sigivald
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Those jokes would be a lot funnier if he wasn’t simply holding the gear-shift knob.

    It’s actually pretty well-rendered.

  59. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    From April’s letter:
    Right now, I’m having fun. Mike’s taken me out a couple of times – we go to the high school down the street after class is over, and we practice parking and turning and getting over the speed bumps without scraping the bottom of the car.
    That’s just wrong. April honey, if Gewald finds out that you’ve been “practicing” “parking” with your thirty-ish older brother, even he’s going to lose interest.

  60. jules
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    MT: Rusty is morphing into “Alfred E. Neuman”! I’m surprised by this, though in retrospect I can see that his gruesome gap-toothed grin qualifies as foreshadowing.

    Off to read the FOOB letters! If you don’t hear from me again, it’s because my head exploded. Avenge my death, friends.

  61. queek
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    PBS: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! I love it.

    Lio: if there is a MT Sunday strip about platypus anytime soon, we can only assume that Lio wrote it.

    A&J: awwwwwwwww

    Frazz: bumbersailing, coming soon to The XGames.

    Candorville: obviously Darren Bell saw what would become todays FOOB in time to write that monologue.

    SF: that is SO a Calvinball reference.

  62. Lynngineering
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW: From Michael’s monthly letter – excerpts with commentary:

    MP “My head is firmly wedged inside novel number two.”
    Comment: Is that what you call your ass?

    MP: “It feels good to be back within the comfortable confines of a world of my own creation. I’m in control.”
    Comment: Michael, if you can hear me: you are delusional, since that fateful fire, in a coma fantasy.

    MP:”Every character, every event, every turn of phrase is generated by “the gift”.”
    Comment: No, it seems that way, you’re just urinating alot in the hospital bed.

  63. AhClem
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    Repost from yesterthread, sort of:

    The first line in Mike’s letter reads, “My head is firmly wedged inside novel number two.

    If you remove the word “novel”, it becomes the first truly accurate self-description Mike has ever uttered.

  64. Frank Drackman
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    HAHA “LONG-BALL FESTIVAL”!!! thats almost as good as “Sausage-Fest”

  65. AhClem
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    Twisted minds think alike, Lynngineering.

  66. Marked Trail
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Is Rusty some sort of cloning experiment gone bad? I am no artist, but I think that if someone gave me cash to do a strip, I would keep the characters looking somewhat similar from panel one to panel three.

    Either that or the artwork was outsourced to a third rate Indian clipart joint and they had the artists there keep guessing what a short boy, with blue shirt, black hair, and two twoofs would look like and sent it to Elrod as clip art.

  67. Jill Smith
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    JP: Actually Cedric appears to be slamming the butlermobile into high gear as he smirks that he’s afraid of “growing old.”

    Manual transmission, fear of loss of sexual potency, and younger women: it’s the official midlife crisis anvil.

  68. Iris
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    Joke 3: Cedric is really five hundred years old, and has been sucking the youth out of his string of young wives to keep himself ageless, Dorian Gray style. The shriveling of his right hand is foreshadowing that Neddy’s next on the list.

  69. Lynngineering
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    #65 – Those letters just ask for it:

    MP: “I’m 23. Having fought with my father for the last time…”

    MP: “Outside of the world I’m creating (the one in which I live),
    comment: Your life-draining coma fantasy

    MP:” there’s another life-changing event taking place. We’re preparing to buy a house. If all goes well, it will be my parents’ house.”
    comment:….say no more.

    Michael…Michael.. and FINALLY:

    MP: “I don’t know where Leonard Driscoll came from. He is the young man whose life I’m about to change forever.”
    Comment: Michael, you overheard the TV in your hospital room, recall? Leonard Driscoll was acting in his one 1976 movie. The title? Oh, just “RIDING WITH DEATH”

  70. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Not only is the girl better drawn than anyone else in Marvin, Marvin himself somehow became better drawn just by being around her.

    She completes him.

  71. AirForbes
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Around here, having the bridesmaids in different shades of pastel means one thing – “we’re broke”. The bridesmaids dig into the back of their closets and re-wear dresses from previous weddings they were in. I’ll bet the bride is in “cream” because she’s wearing her bridesmaid dress from her sister’s wedding.

    This color scheme is nicely complimented by guys in borrowed suits and a ceremony/reception held at the local motel conference room, with a bunch of freshly washed pick-up trucks parked outside.

    Otherwise, I’ve never seen people go out and buy dresses to make a pastel rainbow. Maybe Shawna-Marie is going for a spring theme by dressing her bridesmaids up like giant easter eggs.

  72. stinky pete
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    An RGB Haiku

    Red Greenback is back
    Give your head five or six whacks
    With a barky stick

  73. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    These snippets posted from the Foob letters are mind-blowing in their ridiculousness. I’d read them myself, but I’m afraid my sanity would not hold up under such crushing pressure. Reading Michael’s letter would be like opening the Necronomicon and finding an illustration of Cthulhu gazing dreamily into a mirror.

  74. willethompson
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    (imagine an AM radio DJ voice, circa 1979…)

    It’s 28 after the hour at KBBL, Home of the All-Schlock Six-pack. We’re counting down the hours until the pending Lizzy/Anthony nuptuals, so this one goes out to #45 Paperback Rifler, a golden oldie from a few yesterthreads back, Moustache Love, to the tune of ‘Muskrat Love… ‘

    Warren, dumbass, trilobite!
    Had the chance to do her right.
    Fear of Flying?
    I ain’t lying….

    Warren dirtbag, Warren fool!
    Coulda made her into a Warren tool!
    Coulda boffed her
    In the freakin’ ‘copter

    But hoping to taste her sweet mango
    He told her he’d set up this tango
    And Lizzie hates him ‘cause he’s a slug
    Looks like
    Moustache Loooooove

    (the next verse requires very little change – it’s as if The Captain and Tenille were the Nostradamae of FOOB…)

    Nibbling back bacon, chewing on cheese
    Anthony says to Lizzie honey, would you please be my missus?
    And she say yes
    With her kisses…

    And now he’s tickling her fancy
    Rubbing her toes
    Chained in the basement, now anything goes
    As they wriggle, and Lizzie starts to struggle

    Now she’s stocked and she’s locked in his cages
    Subject to his impotent rages
    Screaming to the heavens above
    Looks like
    Moustache Loooooove

    La da da da da …

  75. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    In retrospect Archie utilized skills from the wrong sport. I’d love nothing more than to see how Professor Von Smartassenheimer handles a Pancake block or a hip check.

    Gil Thorp – Sooner or later Clambakes luck is going to run out. Kind of like when him, Jimmy “Mojo Hand” Thomas and “Frogman” Walker ‘accidently’ suffocated that hooker in Toledo back in ’48.

    Judge Parker – I have to agree about Cedric’s gnarly hand. Gloves Cedric!!! Put on your gloves you out of uniform charlatan!!! Nobody wants to taste one of your hideous hand hairs in the salmon mousse…A Butler without gloves is like a male porstar without a P- err…prominent moustache.

    For better or worser still-
    Speaking of which, one can never underestimate the Rasputic like pull of the ‘Stache. Boy-I-didn’t-see-this coming(sigh)…

    Mark Trail – No Rusty, taking wildlife pictures are much,much different then the ones Mark and Cherry have you take for them back in the bunkhouse of degradation.

    Marvin – Oh, little miss I’m certain that Basketball announcer Marv Albert could convince you otherwise.

  76. fizzy logic
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Rusty is guest starring in Bliss today also. He’s a busy boy.

  77. .Doc
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    Well, here we go. Liz and Granthony will have a great time at the wedding, do some serious daing, and ultimately, Gran will pop the Q to Liz. Liz will say yes. Then, all FOOBheck will break loose. As soon as Thérèse gets wind of this, she will be suddenly inclined to sue Gran for custody of their child, or want Gran back as her old man, or some combination of either or both, just to keep The Moustache out of Liz’s life. Anyway, it’s hard to predict how it will happen, but someow Thérèse (I had to cut/paste the first one in order to avoid the hassle of creating the accented “e’s” again!) will get back in the picture.

    I’m just wondering if Liz will be married before April is. The way things are going, I have my doubts.

  78. Chupper
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Rusty is clearly the younger brother of Gap-Toothed Starey ‘Hoooo!’ Guy from FOOB.

  79. turingbot
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one rendered dyslexic by Gil Thorp’s weird stretched-out font? Every panel is another disturbing visual cognition experiment – the italics doubly so – and I come away dizzy and ready for juice and a nap.

  80. AAckTPPth
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    So why, when I read Foob today, was my first instinct to rush over to CC and see what others were snarking about on this final Foobian story line?

    [Margo] I need a life.

  81. Crankenstank
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    “Dumping” is clearly what’s going on in those diapers. Currently struggling with potty-training a tot, I can sympathize with the internal struggle between having an unbreakable bond with another human being and feeling like one can no longer, literally, put up with all their shit.

  82. GypsyMoth
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    I think Archie needs some of Clambake’s Home Remedy. Maybe then, he’ll make it to class on time.

  83. Shea
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    This is why the comics aren’t reality: In real life, the minute Liz married Anthony, Thèrése would appear on the scene and take custody of the baby, making a really ugly scene while she did, not because she wants the kid, but because she hates Liz that much. But no, we’ll have a happy little mustacioed family. I would advise all Canadian readers to dump all stock in Gilette, it’s facial hair season up north.

  84. fizzy logic
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Lynn says that she can’t draw shoes very well, but day after day we have evidence that she doesn’t draw hair very well either. Candace’s hair style has to be one of the loudest screams for intervention that I’ve ever seen. At least she’ll fit in with the rest of the reality cast of “What Not To Wear” at Shawna-Marie’s wedding.

  85. Kiesha
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    You know who else has a relationship based on diapers? Astronauts.

  86. fizzy logic
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    #84 – my post – OK, ignore that mixed metaphor – you know what I meant. And hairstyle is one word.

    #74 – wille – nauseating content notwithstanding, excellent job!

  87. Teem
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Everything I wanted to say has been said. Now that’s not hard because I am a laconic Canadian semi-lurker.
    But that Rusty is scary ugly. MT himself is not that ugly–so what in the world did Cherry breed with to produce that horrible, mishapen child-beast thing?
    Is Lost Forest in fact the Island of Dr Moreau?
    Hooey that child is albino inbred banjo-picking hillbilly ugly.
    I will now retreat to the shadows once more and try to get some work done.

  88. andreavis
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    #74-williethompson–brilliant! I have fond memories of watching “The Captain and Tennille” show as a kid, but that song drove me insane. Thanks for improving it 1000%.

    Archie: I don’t object to the extra long 2nd panel; it’s a great excuse to show Archie’s fine, fine ass. He needs to learn a thing or two about sliding Pete Rose style, though. Anyone got Clambake on speed-dial?

  89. Jeanne
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Air Forbes,
    Not to make to fine a point, but back in MY day (read 1975), “rainbow” weddings were not just re-dos. I had a lovely (read 1975) wedding with three attendants wearing, respectively, lilac, peach and mint green matching, homemade, striped cotton gowns, to go with my white-on-white cotton, store-bought (Casual Corner) country dress. Also, the groomsmen wore RENTED brown tuxes, and the wedding was outside at my sisters farm, with the pickups parked by the barn.
    So, you see, we didn’t dig in our closets and rewear our dresses, we had new stuff, it was just cheap.

  90. willethompson
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    STOP IT! I’ve laughspit out TWO Diet Cokes and the people at the Apple Store won’t replace my keyboards anymore! Dingo, Trotz, rebochan, Lynngineering, AhClem, Jill Smith, commodorejohn, DAMMIT!

  91. Brent
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Actually Cedric is playing with his stick shift. No actually he is. Of course it might be his subtle way of indicating to the ladies that he wants them to play with his other stick shift. You can see Abbey eying it in panels one and two.

    FOOB: Cream – one way to tell the world that you peed on a stick and the result wasn’t what you were praying for. Also known as the wedding dress you buy after getting your birth control from Deana’s pharmacy.

    And while we’re at it, Liz not The Mustache. I don’t care if your deep dark secret is that he’s the first guy you made the beast with two backs with, anything is better than being with him. Explore your inner Lesbian; make Candace and her boyfriend your “friends with benefits;” enter a convent even if you aren’t Catholic; move to Nevada and explore the exciting career possibilities of legal prostitution…or professional poker whichever you’re better at. But don’t marry, sleep with – or even snog Anthony (unless of course cunnilingus from a guy with a mustache is a real turn on for you).

  92. All Margo-ed Up
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: I used to rail against the whole pairing of Liz and Granthony, but then realized the error of my ways. Aw hell, if you can fall in love with a pornstache wearing creep who puts his kid in a kennel in the basement, you kinda deserve the life LJ is forcing on you.

  93. calico
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    #16 – Dingo, do you think they’ll have a “Dollar Dance” as well?
    Actually, this pastel thingy sounds more like VT or upstate NY than Quebec. Aiiiyyyeeee.

  94. Cornwhacker
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    A couple of weeks ago I actually met Craig Boldman, the man who works the ALGJU 3000! Alas, I didn’t recognize his name at the time, and he neglected to mention that particular facet of his cartooning career. However, the mutual acquaintance who introduced us later told me who Mr. Boldman was, and mentioned that he once observed him during the Archie-Laugh-Generating process. Apparently Craig storyboards Archie panel by panel on individual Post-It sheets. Then he pieces random panels together until he comes up with a (semi-) coherent joke. Seriously.

    (back inside the comments after a month’s absence. Hi all! Glad to see some of the same old names.)

  95. Girl Friday
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    I had to emerge from 6 months of lurking to point out that this is the most culturally relevant Marvin ever to be produced. It’s clearly a thinly-veiled allusion to the astronaut who drove across the country in an adult diaper with the apparent intention of offing her rival. The little girl in Marvin is sending a message to all astronauts: diapers and sex do not go together like a horse and carriage — more like pastels and “cream.”

    Thanks for all the laughs, Josh and others. Back to lurking.

  96. Lynngineering
    May 1st, 2007 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW: Mike’s wife-unit, the DeeBot’s monthly letter:

    - on April:
    “We’ve even talked about sort of “adopting” her. But, there may actually be custody legalities involved in doing that, so she may just come for extended visits.”


  97. Clambake
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Archie, you keep pulling your head like that, you will never make it to class on time.

  98. Trotzenbonnie
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    #90 – wille
    Sorry. The Snark-O-Matic is stuck on HIGH.

    BTW – My M!B!S! pre-ordered products were waiting for me when I returned from the South Carolina, land o’ Plugger gh. I can’t wait to squeeze the girls into my t-shirt so I can wow all the cowboys at Texas Roadhouse Friday night. Count me as another of your very satisfied customers. Thank you, gracias and merci beaucoup!

    #93 – calico
    Cotton candy chiffon with big white picture hats the size of Saturn’s rings are definitely upstate New York but Vermonters don pastel flannel and earflap hats for their nuptials. And get ready for some sizzling guy-on-guy action in Montpelier when the DeeJay plays “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”.

  99. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    #93 Calico: You must’ve spent time in north-central Illinois. Yes, our weddings STILL have the dollar dance. Plus, the chicken dance.

    OMGosh, I can see it now. Anthony walks Liz to the door, takes her pastel-gloved hand in his, kisses her pouty collagen-injected mouth, and runs one of his gnarled fingers over her taffeta-infused pastel-covered breasts and says, “When I saw you crouched on the floor with your hands making beak chirping gestures… it gave me thoughts.”

  100. mere cog in the machine
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    Like many of us at this delightful site, certain comics annoy me more than others. Some, at times, actively piss me off, like FBOFW, especially when it is palpably imbued with Lynn Johnston’s megalomaniacal, mother-smothered wordview. But for sheer aggravation bordering on contempt, nothing beats ol’ ‘Funky Winkerbean’. Here’s a strip that started thirty years ago as a pale imitation of Archie and was no doubt seen by its mentally constipated creator as “hip” and “with-it”. It existed, ostensibly, as a humor strip for the next twenty years, though I defy anyone to show me one frigging segment in those entire two decades that was even remotely funny. Marching band in the rain? Not funny. Les climbing the rope in gym class? Not funny. Playing frozen pizzas on the stereo? Again, not fucking funny.
    Belatedy realizing his own pathetic, increasing marginalization with the popularity of actually good strips like ‘The Far Side’, ‘Arnold’, and ‘Calvin and Hobbes’, Batiuk made the only move he could: A desperate, poorly executed leap into relavancy. He no longer had to make exhausting, fruitless attempts at humor on a daily basis. His characters could now just do, you know, like, regular stuff. Working. Dating. Buying into small businesses. Becoming civil servants. He was obviously influenced by the soul-selling success of that Canadien succubus, but difficult as it is for me to admit, he never even approached her level of skill at generating interest in his dull, insipid cast of nobodies.
    Faced once again with the magnitude of his own folly, he planned a second escape: A calculated, cynical descent into tragedy. So here we are at Funky Mark III, amid the cluttered comicscape of lost limbs, child abuse, alcoholism, cancer, and intolerance of a new and braver Westview.
    And you know what, Batiuk? It still fucking blows.

  101. Douglas E. Iannucci
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    But it’s true: the “joke” in Marvin would indeed be funnier (which is saying practically nothing) if used instead in Momma. Mostly because in Momma, the characters would actually be saying the dialogue, instead of thinking it out in word balloons. How are the two toddlers in Marvin supposed to know what each other is saying if they are only thinking out the dialogue (as the thought balloons suggest they are doing)? Mental telepathy? I don’t get it.

  102. Hogen Mogen
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Archie should get some baseball advice from Clambake.

  103. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    For those of you who missed it in the thread a few back: Who should Vera hit?

    Yes, part of me realizes that it should be “Whom should Vera hit?” but I made this late last night and the mavens of English had left for the day.

  104. Josh
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    #49 ElSanto — Actually “Curmudgeon” on that old thread is not me. I don’t even recall anyone posting under than name elseswhere.

    #58 Sigilvald/#67 Jill Smith — Ye gods, you’re right, I completely missed the gearshift. You know what though? As usual, I like my version better.


  105. calico
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    #68 – Cedric is actually Groves in transmogrified disguise. Groves’ “replacement” is of his own making and control. Bwahahahaa!

  106. MarkTrailFanClubMember
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Your electric fence theory would explain why Rusty’s hair suddenly looks fried in the second panel.

  107. Power Forward
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me or is Archie wearing a baseball “cap” last used by an actual baseball player approximately 110 years ago? Or are all the hip kids today ditching that gangster sideways thing and rocking it Christy Mathewson style?

  108. TurtleBoy
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    JP: I think Cedric’s misshapen right hand is the work of guest artist Dick Locher of Dick Tracy fame. Locher’s pretty well known for being utterly incapable of drawing a realistic hand.

  109. O’Fogeyette
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Yay! Welcome back, Red!

    14 Trotzenbonnie: LOL! COTW!

    And Josh: I was trying really hard to avoid the worst of today’s comics based on what everyone else has said so far, but I had to read your delicious snarking, and now I know what they were talking about.

    MT: OMG. It’s even worse than I expected from previous comments.

    DTGT: This couldn’t possibly ever be worse than anything anybody ever said, so it’s pretty much business as usual. Now that I’m regularly reading this strip, I’m more than ever convinced not just that it’s really about aliens trying to adapt to earth ways, but that the writer/artist is a primitive form of life without opposable thumbs.

  110. juggernaut
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    Cedric is showing how he’d carry Neddy like a six-pack of Busch.

  111. TB Tabby
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    21: They’re hand-picking their favorite strips to rerun…and look at the one they picked today. It’s going to be a painful six weeks.

  112. Hogen Mogen
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    On Foob: Yes, we all knew it was coming over a year and a half ago. Woo hoo, yay Lynn Johnson, really keeping us in suspense. The only suspense we’ve had for years now was “Will Lynn really be so lame to have Paul cheat on Liz after she already ran that story line with Eric cheating on Liz?” And the answer was an unabashed “Yes, I guess Lynn is that lame.” But that’s not the point of this post.

    I wanted to point out how utterly hopeless and despondent Liz looks in the final panel, as if she has tried to run from fate, tried to shack up with other men, and yet by strange circumstances is continuously redirected to The Moustache. The stars are in alignment and Liz cannot avoid her kharma. Sort of like the Final Destination of the dating world.

  113. Yitzchok
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail: I am quite sure that there are three different children represented in this strip, all of whom happen to be wearing the same shirt:

    Rusty I, the conservative, obedient one.

    Rusty II, the wild-haired dreamer.

    Rusty III, whose ability to grow sideburns at age ten was achieved in a devil’s pact – hence the receding hairline and graying temples.

  114. Groo
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    MT: Rusty’s mishapen noggin confirms what I feared about MT’s hand reaching for Cherry’s nose in yesterday’s strip. Cherry likes asphyxiation. Looks like they did a little too much while Rusty was in the womb.

  115. Smash97
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    I thought LJ put cream in quotes so we stupid readers wouldn’t think the bride was actually floating in cream. Tasty!

  116. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    #96 – Oh my God, that was serious? I mean, it makes sense, the Third would be shuffled off onto the younger generation to perform perpetual babysitting and get into squabbles with D-4NN4 while St. Michael sits in the attic wedging his head into his ass new novel, leaving Papa Foob free to play with his trains and Elly free to…do whatever the hell she does besides act as Author Avatar, I just totally didn’t expect an offhand and horribly stupid suggestion from a couple weeks ago to resurface as actual foreshadowing.

    I know, I know, it was silly of me.

  117. Anonymous
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    I was thinking drenched in semen.

  118. Gabe
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    114: Rusty was adopted.

    Great name you have, though.

  119. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Seriously. Has Gil Thorpe *ever* coached a winning team? In any sport? Ever!? I doubt the man’s even won a game of Toss-Across.

  120. Alan
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Thanks Josh! It turns out that cheerily singing “AAAAHHHH NOOOO THE MUSTACHE NOOOO” to the tune of “Green Grow The Rushes, Oh” makes FBFW much easier to stomach.

  121. MossMoses
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    118. Rusty was adopted from the Circus Freak Rescue League. He was a border baby who was abused by the bearded lady before being rescued by Mark Trail. One punch sent her beard flying.

  122. queek
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    119, yes he has. For quite a while, the Mudlarks would win a championship in one sport or another pretty much every year. He seems to be in a bit of a slump recently.

  123. kingklash
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    First, the Prime Rib takes the place of unbaptized babies in Limbo, now Liz iz using old times as an excuse to take ‘Stache to a wedding. Why does Lynn hate the world so? If I go stand outside, you think the Great and Terrible Warlord Chennux, The Beweaponed and Mighty, would use a particle beam to put me out of my misery?

  124. treedweller
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    111 TB

    I’m with you. I’ve actually been looking forward to this day, in a must-view-the-car-wreck sort of way. I know there was a time when BC seemed sharp and funny, and was hoping to be reminded of that time. I can’t say I’m surprised to see this late-in-Hart’s-life dreck, though. Otherwise, we might notice how lame the “new,” family-produced strips will be.

  125. sally
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Everyone has already said everything there is to be said about the awfulness that is Liz ending up with Anthony after her parents nagged her into his arms, so let me just mention the awfulness of her decision to “try to find out” if there is some pathetic excuse for a spark by INVITING HIM TO A WEDDING. Worst possible place in the world to “find out if anything is there”.

    Not to mention a WEDDING WHERE SHE WILL BE SURROUNDED BY HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS. I know I already said any wedding would be the “worst” but in fact this scenario is even worse than worst.

    Since they live in the same town and could go out on a frickin’ date any time she felt like it, why on earth would she choose to “find out” there? Is the wedding meant to be “cover” so he won’t twig that she might be interested, even though he’s been begging her to go out with him since about a year before his divorce? Is it a cover for LJ’s complete lack of imagination in plotting because it would be so cool/romantic/UTTERLY CLICHE if these two old friends realized they were meant for each other at a wedding?

    Oh wait…..

  126. Sean
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    Rusty should be able to go along as soon as the encephalitis clears up. I think MT might have a shunt in his first aid kit.

  127. Uncle Lumpy
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: I gotta say, I think the moustache is a feint.

    If Anthony shows up at a party (maybe the wedding) clean-shaven, Liz can get all, “. . . oh, Anthony . . . you’re so . . . handsome!” Then we enjoy a trip down Treacle Trail with flashbacks to their putative early courtship.

    By drawing fire to the ‘stache, Johnston protects Anthony from substantive attack — the way French women make up to draw attention to a flaw and enhance their beauty thereby. Maybe Johnston learned it from Thérèse.

  128. Cornwhacker
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    I’m just waiting for Anthony to do Liz wrong, like all men ultimately do, so she can deck him so hard the ‘stache flies clean off, Mark Trail-style.

  129. Pelagius
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    Hope you’ll excuse the blog whoring, but I’ve remixed yesterday’s and today’s MT into a more fitting storyline here.

  130. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    #127 – It’s like the mousey, quiet scientist-girl in an action movie who, halfway through, lets down her hair, whips off her glasses, and transforms into a drop-dead gorgeous bad-ass gunslinger or somesuch. Flinging away his glasses and tearing off his mustache in a single pull, Anthony suddenly goes from Clark Kent to Superman! It’s like a makeover would suddenly not make him the World’s Most Loserly Stalker.

  131. Mogalike
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    What I’ve been trying to figure out for a little over a week now: Where is this 9 Chickweed Lane arc going?

  132. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Err, “would suddenly make him not.”

  133. Weaselboy
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    I thought it was time to find out…if his mustache tickles

  134. Sugardoots
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    In other FOOB news…
    (From AP today):

    Student suspended for “relieving himself” in class
    POSTED: 1:17 p.m. EDT, May 1, 2007

    SACRAMENTO, California (AP) — School officials on Monday suspended a 14-year-old boy who said he had to urinate in a bottle after his science teacher refused to let him use the restroom. The teacher was being transferred to another school.
    “I can’t believe they don’t believe me,” student Michael Patterson said in a telephone interview after he was given the five-day suspension. “I have no reason to lie. What I said happened, happened.”
    The suspension notice said he was barred from class until May 8 for “relieving himself in the classroom, which caused a school disruption.”
    Patterson said he went into a corner of the classroom on Tuesday and urinated into an empty Gatorade bottle after his teacher repeatedly refused to give him a pass to use the restroom and threatened to have him suspended if he left the classroom.
    “He said, ‘Do what you got to do,”‘ Patterson said. “I said, ‘I’ve got a bottle’ and he said, ‘Go in the corner.’ So I just handled my business.” …

  135. Paperback Rifler
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    74. Wow, wille; that’s totally awesome! And a little scary. Particulary if you decide that the word “fancy” in the phrase “And now he’s tickling her fancy” is code for “vagina.” Anyway, I guess that it just goes to show you that sometimes two wrongs (i.e., Foob and “Muskrat Love”) really do make a right (i.e., awesome song parody).

    And I have to agree with #112 Hogen Mogen that Liz in that last panel has the look of a condemned man about to walk the Green Mile; or perhaps the look of a horror movie character who has just realized that the only remaining course of action is to confront the hideous, life-draining monster in its lair (or in this case, basement).

  136. Melkar
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Chex Mix! Stop taking my name in vain, medammit!

  137. John Robie
    May 1st, 2007 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    #35 – I’m sure you’re right on the FOOB front, that it’ll get frozen immediately after the joining of Lizard and ‘Stache, but imagine the alterantive, where time will freeze about 2 weeks before the wedding, leaving Liz in a permanent state of wedding planning hell. Thrill as her DJ pulls out at the last minute! Marvel as Liz picks florist after florist! . . .

    Also, I’m pretty new to the comments section, is it safe to say that all of the “Mustache Ride” angles have been covered?

    Yeah, I thought so.

  138. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    Pelagius, if this were the 1850s and I prone to wearing crinolines, you would have made me drop my fan.

  139. Marked Trail
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    Today, Bill Bixby will be playing the role of Rusty.

    Don’t get Rusty angry.

    You wouldn’t like him when he is angry.

    Makes him ginormous and green.

  140. Galactic Emperor Chennux®™©
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:08 pm [Reply]





    A – N – N – O – NNNNN!





  141. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    #137 – In other words, Cathy.

  142. Chan
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    Liz, for heaven’s sake! The man has a helicopter! A helicopter! Do you seriously think used Yugos can compete?

  143. Smitty Smedlap
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    I always wondered what happened to Dondi. Thanks to panel three of MT, now I know.

  144. AAckTPPth
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    This is the second pairing of childhood fiends as a couple. Michael had a grade school crush on Deanna, and re-met after a car wreck. Blandthony and Liz re-met after the car wreck of The Moustache’s marriage. The only hope for Gerald is to die in a fiery car wreck.

    The Foob Plot-o-Matic 1000 is definitely on its last legs.

    I love Anthony’s entry in Wikipedia: “Anthony is known by readers for his bland personality and large obtrusive mustache”. Which one of you Curmudgeons put that there? And what can we add to it to make it even more accurate? Heh, heh, heh.

  145. Mogalike
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    #38, Jobiska: I believe it’s an infodump.

  146. andreavis
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    #125 sally: right on, sister. I’ve never been a bridesmaid (only a bride, hah hah) but it seems like there’s a lot Liz will have to do during the multi-hued yawnfest “cream” wedding.

    There’s standing up during the ceremony, boatloads of pictures, receiving lines, dining on the dais with the couple, dancing with the matchy groomsman– by the time she gets around to even talking to Porn’stache, she’ll be too pooped to pop.

    Why not just date the loser tomorrow? Find out he’s lame right here and now. Like a Band-Aid(tm), rip it off quick and be done! Maybe she wants him to suffer, or something. Too bad we will, too.

  147. left of the pyle
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    Dressmaker: We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know. Do you deserve to wear virginial white? Because if you don’t, you’ll have to wear an off white, what we call a “hussy white”. So which will it be? White white?

    Margo Sherman: Yes… um, except for the gloves.

  148. AAckTPPth
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    144 Well, I don’t love it, but I am vaguely amused by it.

  149. Hysterical Woman
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    134: At first I thought it meant the kid masturbated in public, but that’s what the Foob Mike Patterson does.

  150. fizzy logic
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    Liz, here’s a thought: You’re going to the wedding as a bridesmaid. That’s a perfect excuse for not having a date. You’ll have other things to do, and it won’t be obvious that you are by yourself when you are standing at the front of the church to support the bride and groom, as it is THEIR DAY. Ahem.

    Perhaps, just perhaps, you’ll meet someone new at the wedding. Someone you’ve never met before. A Quebequois hillbilly cousin, or someone who has moved to the area in, say, the last two or three years, who has some new stories to tell.

    Perhaps you’ll spend your time talking to someone’s grandmother and actually enjoy yourself that way. Life, believe it or not, is not all about dating and marrying and producing offspring, no matter what your mother might be telling you (and your hormonal sister, and your unsufferable ass of a brother). It’s about finding happiness, and you, my glum friend, seem to have it in short supply.

    Why don’t you just take a break from trying to find Mr. Right for a while and take a vacation or something? Have a little fun why don’t you? Just stay away from the folks at Funky Cancerbean if you decide to get away for a while.

  151. Trotzenbonnie
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    Mr. Smitty Smedlap, I read Dondi. I knew Dondi. Dondi was an imaginary boyfriend of mine. Smedlap, Rusty is no adorable little Italian war orphan named Dondi!

  152. Justafoob
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Don’t listen to Chan #142 Liz.

    Helicopters are a passing fancy.

    Cinnamon Rolls are for LIFE!

  153. Susie Derkins
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    FOOB–I clicked the link to “Shawna-Marie’s” last appearance, and in that strip “Shawna-Marie” appears to BE Candace. Same hairstyle, same haircolor (when Candace dyed it). Also of note: In one panel of the 2005 strip, when Liz is addressing “Shawna-Marie,” the unnamed friend’s dress color has changed from green to red. You can tell that it’s the same friend from the butch haircut and the choker around her neck.

    So why does Candace look just like “Shawna-Marie?” Identity crisis? Twins? (But then I’d expect Candace to be in the wedding.) Or Lynn not giving a Margo?

    Oh well. “Shawna-Marie” is just a deus-ex-machina anyway…

  154. Dennis Jimenez
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    Marvin – Dumping and diapers – that’s comedy gold, baby.

  155. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    If FOOB ends with a beautiful Christmas wedding, it’ll be just like one of my favorite manga, Love Hina. Except Naru and Keitaro got married in spring… and FOOB isn’t set in a Japanese hot springs resort… and Liz and Anthony aren’t college students… and there’s no cute flying turtle mascot… and no lesbian overtones… and all the Foobians are unlikeable… and none of the women are attractive… and instead of swords, there are trains. Oh, plus, I hate FOOB.

  156. Weaselboy
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    Panel one of FBOFW looks like an homage to Edward Hopper’s “Nighthawks.” In a couple of years, I’ll bet we’ll be seeing Anthony holding a pitchfork with Elizabeth next to him for Johnston’s tribute to “American Gothic.”

  157. Little Guy
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    GT: Love that Triple-Play Nazi Salute.

    FOOB and Rusty’s face makes GE Chennux’s spellcheck to self-meklar itself. This Lovepocalyse scares me:

    JP: Angela *is* Therese! Plus, “Eduardo Barreto” is Spanish for AAAAHHHH NOOOO THE MUSTACHE NOOOO!

  158. Lurker
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    When did Marvin stop being shaped like a horse turd? Is our little boy –aged what 25?– growing up?

  159. Chubby Haggis
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    Where I come from, the punch at a wedding reception is often the same color as the bridesmaid’s dresses. That’s real class. , especially when the reception is in the basement of the Baptist church, with no possibility of getting a real drink.

  160. Anon
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    In #154 # Dennis Jimenez says

    Marvin – Dumping and diapers – that’s comedy gold, baby.

    Black gold.

    Texas lemonade.

  161. AppleGirl
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    (THTI)FOOB – Candace summed it up brilliantly, with her throwaway line: “I’m glad I’m not in the wedding party.”

  162. AhClem
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    #16, 99 Dingo -
    Oh, man. I don’t know what you’re smoking today, but I want some. Most of my co-workers have donned rain ponchos to protect themselves from the spray of food and drink periodically emanating from my work area.

    Regarding the “cream” wedding dress, my local paint store has several shades of cream. A few of them are named “Roadside Ivory”, “Baby-shit brown” and “Muskrat Semen.”

  163. Poteet
    May 1st, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    Foob — It’s all been said by so many of you (BWAHAHA!) Thanks for reminding me that the Foobocalypse will produce truly glorious snarking.

    As for Michael, his latest letter makes Queen of Diamonds look like Medb in TAIN BO CUAILNGE. And I see that Michael’s “dislikes” include “guys who don’t wash, writers who can’t write.” Take it away, Dingo!

  164. O’Fogeyette
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    I don’t read the FOOB monthly letters, so maybe I’m missing something, but just to give Lynn and Liz the benefit of the doubt for a moment: isn’t it at least possible that Angsthony has a magnificent … er…. skxcritort and knows how to use it?

  165. Superfecta
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Surely this whole Granthony thing could be best resolved by having him get together with April, now that she’s getting a little more ‘roadside.’ Who knows what she’ll do after a few drinks? At least she’d be saving her sister.

  166. Lynngineering
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    #164 – O’Fogeyette: Sure, I agree – uh, “skxcritort” means mustache right?

  167. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    JP- It just occured to me…All that hair on the back of Cedric’s hand..He’s a freaking Werewolf.

    Run Neddy Run!!! Loup Garou!

  168. Johnny Bacardi
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    That sound you heard this morning? That was millions of FOOB watchers groaning all at once after reading that last panel…

  169. Ellie M.
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:10 pm [Reply]


    Am I the only one who thinks that Liz & Anthony DESERVE each other?!

  170. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    #164 – Actually, like a previous speculation of mine on the anatomy of Scadutoites, I don’t think Anthony has a “skxcritort.” Maybe he has an actual skxcritort; I think that like Wilbur Whateley, he’s not human below the waist. Maybe he too is the spawn of an Elder God and a human, which would explain a lot, but I’m pretty sure that if Liz actually ever were to remove his pants (ha, yeah right, like that’ll never happen,) she’d find some hideous tentacular mass that just barely manages to retain the shape of a human lower body when stuffed into a pair of cinnamon-crumb-covered slacks.

  171. Justafoob
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    If Liz & Granthony don’t wind up with each other, they have just doubled the pain and agony from two separate marriages that will go nowhere and the two of them would wind up in a Motel 5.5 (Motel 6 in Canada) when they are 55 years old trying to rekindle something.

    Let Liz and Granthony be as one.

  172. Perky Bird
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    #163 Poteet–
    Oh my Heavens, I just read Michael’s “dislikes” on his little page, and you weren’t kidding that one really is “guys who don’t wash”! Who the HELL lists that? Especially a GUY, for cryin’ out loud! It’s not exactly a defining trait you think of listing when you want people to know more about yourself, is it now? I bet most of us don’t like “guys who don’t wash”, but we don’t feel the need to have to point that out to people we meet. I mean, all this reveals is that you probably won’t find him hanging out in soup kitchens or biker bars.
    It would have been more interesting if one of his “LIKES” had been “guys who don’t wash.”
    OK, guess I should stop ranting now, and just go take a nap.

  173. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    159. Iv’e been there quite a few times myself!! Thanks for the flashback…

  174. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    119, 122-

    Looks like the games passed ol’ Thorp by, It’d be better for the kids to replace him with a younger more ambitious coach. Viva El Clambake!!!!

  175. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    Also, #169, no, you’re not, it’s just that the fact that both parties are fully deserving doesn’t make it any less repugnant. What we’re objecting to is Lynn’s not-so-”sub” subtext, from which we learn that not only are women only granted happiness by marriage, it also only comes from marriage with a childhood friend. Someone’s blog post, I think it was the Narbonic author’s, made the point that this is because the Childhood Friend is the ultimate “nice boy,” someone the parents know is totally safe (i.e. he will never break her hymen, even afetr the wedding) because they’ve known him as long as their daughter has. That’s what we really dislike about this whole affair.

  176. Maughta
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    Everyone should take note of this person’s name. ‘Nuf said.

    SACRAMENTO, California (AP) — School officials on Monday suspended a 14-year-old boy who said he had to urinate in a bottle after his science teacher refused to let him use the restroom. The teacher was being transferred to another school.

    “I can’t believe they don’t believe me,” student Michael Patterson said in a telephone interview after he was given the five-day suspension. “I have no reason to lie. What I said happened, happened.”

  177. Professor Fate
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Mark trail: oy that is one scary looking kid – like generations of inbreeding combined with chemicals in the water couldn’t give us that face.

    FOOB: said it other thread but still “the horror , the horror” and to quote MST3K “by the stubbing of my thumb – something stupid this way comes”
    I have to say Lynn may be the worst plotter in the history of western letters – to watch the glaicer of endlessly forshadowed dumb crush all before it is depressing a deeply profound way.

    meantime all i can see is Ganthony sitting in his basemet playhouse wearing his gimp suit saying soon my precious soon to a picture of Liz.

  178. Otter
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    You know, I had never even heard of TDIET until I stumbled across the Curmudgeon. Now I read it every day.

    Even today.

    Thank you, Josh. You prick.

  179. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    Dammit Proffessor, you made me chortle and snort while holding back a guffaw..Not only am I getting concerned looks from co-workers, but I’m stuck with that horrifying Granthony image in my skull for the rest of the day!!!

  180. MonkeyHawk
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    Okay, Mitzi,

    Off with the maARGOboxcARSAturn t-shirt for a brief memo to Chennux. (You really fill that out nicely, Mitz).

    Dear Chenny….

    You might tone down the magmacannon threats until you get it out of pawn. We got the report from the planet FLIKSTRON-9 that a little extablishment (to wit: KLIXIBOWITZ’ LOANS – JEWELRY – WEAPONS) took in a “very used” magmacannon from a large lizard-like creature in return for “…about the price of a bottle of Johnny Walker Chartruse next door at the planetary WINES-LIQUORS.”

    Buck up, Chenny. Pay the taxes due to Universal Overlord Floyd and you’ll be well on your way back.

    Sincerely, etc, etc. Copy to the Curmudgeons.

    You can put your shirt back on, Mitzi.

    Wait a minute!!!

    Okay. Now.

  181. Canaduck
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    teenchy says:
    All the “bride in cream” comments remind me of the episode of the cartoon The Critic in which Jay’s sister Margo is being fitted for a debutante ball gown. Margo’s tailor assumes her gown will be white, but asks her anyway; Margo replies “yes….but not the gloves” (or something to that effect).

    I love that you referenced this. That’s all.

  182. ms. supercomputer
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I’m a long-time reader who’s never commented, but some of the comments here demanded it – someone in For Better or For Worse had a *child cage* in their basement? Seriously? Do any of you have links to this because, um, obviously I am a comics masochist who needs a fresh source of horror.

  183. The Management
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    I have to say that I first read Clambake’s line in panel two as “A few too many wanks, coach?” I figured that his “home remedy” was only a thinly veiled overture towards baking-hot gay sex. As it has everyday since I have discovered its existance, GT has disappointed me.

  184. willethompson
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    Y’know what would be a good T-shirt and cup? THIS would make a good T-shirt and cup.

    I think the mustache having a certain train cowcatcher undertone works, don’t you think? Or don’t you?

  185. Josh
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    #182 ms supercomputer–

    Behold the CaineCage!


  186. Ferd Berfel
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    She did it. The clueless, tone-deaf, idiot actually did it. The shoe has dropped. The balloon has gone up. The volcano is rumbling. The tsunami is coming. She did it.

    Everyone who reads her strip has been against it ever since she ‘revealed’ the possibility it her typical ham-handed manner. On sites like this one, people scream about it. On sites full of Foob-lovers, no one wants to see it. Other cartoonists have even mentioned it in their strips. None of that matters though.

    No one much likes Liz and no one wants to see any of her ‘boyfriends’ stuck with her, but everyone loathes Granthony and no one wants to see Liz stuck with him. None of this matters either.

    She’s going to do it anyway no matter what. She’s completely ignoring years of grumbling on the subject from Foob-haters, Foob-lovers, and syncophants alike. She going to do it because she’s a completely clueless, tone-deaf, blinker wearing, ass-hatted, moron.

    She could have taken the strip out on a high. She could have proved she was more than just a formulaic hack mining the predictable antics of her own pathetic life and her own pathetic family for a quick buck in the funny pages. She could have been someone. She could have been a contender, instead of just a bum. Instead, she went ahead and did it.

    She’s going to do it no matter what everyone says. And that’s why we should all be happy her strip is nearing it’s well deserved end.

    This strip no longer deserves our collective interest…

    …unless you’re the type that slows down to ogle at accidents on the freeway.

  187. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    blatantly ripped off from ‘Food, Glorious Food’ from Oliver, a musical loved by large women with cats and thin gay men with cat lithographs throughout the world

    Is it worth the waiting for?
    She’s still the saint. Sis? Roadside whore.
    All Lynn ever feeds us is gru…el!
    Ev’ry day we say our prayer –
    Will Anth’ny soon smell dairy air?
    Still we get the same old gru…el!
    There is not a single thought
    Lynn Johnston can’t be told what’s ought
    Though we beg, in sorrow, and pledge
    To continue our reading if she’ll hedge
    There’s nothing to stop us from getting a thrill
    When we all close our eyes and imag…ine

    Foob, glorious foob!
    Taken off the pages!
    Treating us like boobs –
    Lynn causes such rages!
    Why can’t the syndicate see
    What simply she’s doing?
    She jumped the shark years ago –
    On us, she’s just poohing!

    Foob, glorious foob!
    We’re anxious for closure.
    Though Lynn finds us rude –
    Please! No more exposure.
    To Michael and his young brood.
    Place in boat without Evinrude!
    Let the young ones eat him for food.
    Foob, glorious foob, glorious foob, glorious foob!

    Foob, glorious foob!
    Why is Lizabeth saintly?
    She’s shacked up with crude
    Boys you won’t call “dainty”
    Filling her with casual lies
    Poking holes into her cream pie
    Howard Erk was just Anth’ny’s spy!
    Foob, glorious foob!

    Foob, glorious foob!
    What caused this behavior?
    April’s not a prude
    Who will be her savior?
    Dad’s off with his model train
    Mom acts like she’s in Bahrain
    Gerald’s at the door again!
    Foob, glorious foob!

  188. Buck Ripsnort
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Is there a line of wedding dress colors, from Virgin White to Roadside Red? I’d like to see the color wheel on that. My ex –a guy named Bob — got married in White, and we all got a big laugh out of that.

  189. Wellsey
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Okay. TDIET was just crazy today. I know, it’s always crazy, but this struck me as especially crazy. It’s about how kids are so different today with their own slang like “Babee” and getting pizza at the mall with friends and naming an old jalopy pickup. Because that’s what kid’s do these days! The only thing really crazy is the dad’s smiling reaction to her daughter telling the boyfriend, “Let’s do it!” If it wasn’t for that, I’d swear the mail had lost this letter to TDIET for the past 60 years.

  190. Squawk
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    “The bride will be in cream” is just about the hottest thing I’ve ever read in FOOB. It just has so many awesome connotations.

  191. ghost of farley
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    (THTI)FOOB: You’d think a teacher like Liz would remember that, on a multiple choice test you always have to consider “None of the above.”

  192. Buck Ripsnort
    May 1st, 2007 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    Say what you will about Cedric, but he reminded me of all my teenage P.G. Wodehouse fantasies, later reinforced by Fry and Laurie’s Wooster & Jeeves series. Carry on, Jeeves!

  193. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    Squawk or someone else: Please rewrite the lyrics to “His name is Mr. Snow” from Carousel replacing them with “The bride will be in ‘cream.’”

    something, something, Burt Ward

    It almost writes itself!

  194. Inna Funk-y
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    Just read FBOFW and thought I’d come in here to hear the chorus of screams. Right on schedule guys!
    Hey- know what I noticed? Rusty looks like the guy on the cover of MAD magazine! Wait- someone said that already. But you know, he also looks a little bit like the Beaver! – no, someone said that too.
    You know what has my stomach tied in knots? The eventual fate of those comic books as they cross over from Crankshaft to FW. Oh wait- d’oh!
    I give up. Anyone here read Brenda Starr?

  195. Dactyl
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    This must be what’s it like to watch someone being devoured by fire ants. Slow, painful, mustache-wearing, vaguely sociopathic fire ants.

  196. Lynngineering
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    #193 Dingo: “something, something, Burt Ward” LOL, the possibilities are rich.

  197. Dactyl
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    Dammit, “what it’s” like.

  198. Wellsey
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and yes, wedding dresses do come in cream, beige, off-white, silver and other words that basically mean the same thing. Because 1. most everyone looks better in almost white than pure white and if white has the connotation of purity then, 2. most everyone qualifies for “cream”.

  199. AppleGirl
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    (THTI)FOOB – Wouldn’t it be great if Lynn had a huge joke on us all, and showed Granthony acting all drunk and gross at the wedding? And the groomsman that Liz gets paired up with turns out to be a dreamy guy that Liz falls for instead?

  200. MossMoses
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    181. I may need to extricate my mind from the gutter but bride in cream reminds me of Lizardbreath as spoojrag in a bukake cream pie.

  201. Plinko Commie
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    If the bride was REALLY pure, wouldn’t she be nekkid?

  202. doug rogers
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:14 pm [Reply]

    I just figured out Gil Thorp. It’s radio with pictures.

  203. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    I knew the bride when she’d mustache ride the droll!

  204. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    The term for a female Québecois hillbilly is une habitante. Les habitants are the hillbillies of the rural Québec region, and “Habs,” the nickname for the Montréal Canadiens was derived from this.

  205. MossMoses
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    204. Chet, how do you know so much about Quebec? I thought you lived in Lost Forest.

  206. Buck Ripsnort
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    This has probably been mentioned as often as Captain Aldoroo, but if Mark Trail punches anyone w/ facial hair, how long until he punches Pornstache?

  207. Airish
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    Shawna-Marie is une Hillbilly Québécoise, not Québécois hillbilly. And she will probably serve poutine at the reception.

  208. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    #206 – Oh man. Mark punches the moustache right off Pornstache’s face.

    Then Lio picks it up and combs his hair with it.

  209. Allie Cat
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    #164 – O’F – I am officially now using Angsthony to refer to the mustached one. Wonderful!

    #187 – Dingo – thank you for reading my mind and coming up with a parody for this song – I don’t have the “mad skillz” to do it, but I’ve been thinking about it for a week.

    Cranky Winkershaft – I smell CROSSOVER! Eric, the kid who is cataloging the comic books is actually a Funky also-ran who is known as Mooch. So it’s only a matter of days until we see these two words collide.

    Thing is, John, the comic book store guy, is probably broke after the unfortunate flood of his basement store.

    His store moved to Montoni’s basement (free of charge) some years ago when he couldn’t make payments on the store next door due to a downfall in business as a result of the post 9/11 economy.

    And on a personal note, I’m flying out of the country for ten days tomorrow afternoon, which means I’ll be missing out on the Love Trainwreck that is Lizardmess and Angstony – I’ll have to catch up when I get back.

    Also – Luann – please tell me that cocktease Tiffany isn’t going to try to deflower Brad. For that, I am glad I’ll be out of the country.

    Do they have For Better or For Worse in Germany and Italy? And even if they do, will the concierge be willing to translate it for me?

  210. Mountain Mama
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    #37–Yes, indeedy, LoFo mus’ for shore be in Wes’ Virginny! You gots to ride 50 miles on a mule to get to any kind of fancy doctor ’round here! They keep sayin’ they’re goin’ to widen the road so’s the wagon kin fit, but I don’t reckon that’ll happen any time soon!

    Do I sound bitter?
    Mountain “native West Virginian and proud of it” Mama

  211. willethompson
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:40 pm [Reply]

  212. AirForbes
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    #89 Jeanne –

    After some diligent research over lunch, I found out that the assorted colors approach to bridesmaid dresses is called a “color run” (margo quote alert) and is in fashion right now. More information on wedding fashion trends can be found on the Internet!

    I was making fun of my podunk roots, but I’d much rather go to that kind of wedding – it’s usually more fun. I have a cousin whose reception was held in the (newly built) machine shed on her parents farm, which was awesome.

    My sister’s best friend got married in 1976 and my sister was maid of honor. Her dress was red and white striped checks – just like a picnic tablecloth. We still get out the picture from time to time to gaze in awe at it.

  213. Flipper
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    Wellsey (#189) – I think the double chins of the dad in TDIET make it only look like he’s smiling. He’s really in a stunned-silent stupor. But in a few years, both mom & dad will be all smiles as they try to convince daughter Babee that her childhood sweetheart Luggo is the man she should marry. After he grows a big moustache and gets divorced, of course.

  214. under_score
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    184 wille: Am I really the first one to say, hell yes, that would be an awesome shirt? Because, hell yes, it would be an awesome shirt. LMAO!

    199 AppleGirl: The probability of occurance for that kind of originality from (THTI)FOOB 99.99% (resigned sigh of boredom)

  215. under_score
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    Did you know that greater than and less than signs completely screw up an otherwise coherent post?

    The probability of occurance of the kind of interesting scenario as suggested by AppleGirl…less than 1%

    The probability of occurance for the anvil o’love klonking Granthony and Liz at the wedding…greater than 99.99%

    Danged tags!

  216. fizzy logic
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    I’m a little disappointed that I’m too old for Cedric.

    Disappointed in him or me, I’m not sure. Oh well, we had a lot of obstacles to overcome anyway, with him being fictional and all. And Canadian.

  217. Trotzenbonnie
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    #156 – Weaselboy
    I thought the first panel of FBOFW was an homage to the diner shot in Seinfeld and in a few years the Liz and Anthony union will turn into an homage to Roseanne.
    Yeah. I’m a dreamer.

    Now I have to scroll back to read the rest of the comments. Looks like there’s some good snarking and Dingo is on fire!

  218. Blondie
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    I expect Clambake’s “home remedy” to be somehow both obscene and pretty boring. “A few too many walks coach?… it sounds odd coach, but there’s a sort of home remedy for that…” Actually, it’s pretty obscene already.

  219. willethompson
    May 1st, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    What a day of snark. My sides ache from laughing. So, in repayment for Josh getting it rolling (despite technical difficulties or Chennux or whatever), I respond with the song to be played during Shawna-Marie’s first dance with the groom, to the tune of Phil Collins’ Groovy Kind Of Love! Hit it, four-piece wedding band at the Foobville Elks Club!

    It’s a kind of wedding Hell, the bridesmaids in pastel,
    The bride ain’t feeling well, her belly has a swell,
    Her daddy has a gun to keep the groom from run-ning
    That’s the way they do things in Quebec…
    He didn’t pull it out, prior to the spout, so
    The bride will be in creeeeeam…

    It’s a way to say, that in a subtle way,
    Our sweet and blushing bride has gone a bit roadside,
    You know mistakes were made, there shoulda been a rain-coat
    I’m sure a naked penis was involved…
    He didn’t pull it out, prior to the spout, so
    The bride will be in creeeeeam…

    Staring at their asses, there’s a guy with glasses,
    A kinda creepy feller with a soundproof cellar
    Anth’ny looks at Liz, and you can hear the jiz-zim
    Pumping from his active Cowper’s gland
    Soon she’ll be hogtied and on a mustache ride
    In his basement, filled with creeeeeam…

  220. Allie Cat
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – My take on the “cream” comment is that Liz is poking a little fun at the bride, who is taking herself too seriously.

    Having been a bride fairly recently, I was astonished to find that most dresses come in multiple shades of white – there’s candelight, oyster, ivory, white, off-white, off-ivory, cream, champagne, pearl, clambake – you name it.

    My dress, I believe, was “candlelight” – it looked white to me, but what do I know?

    My take is that Liz, bitter and beaten down, doesn’t give a rat’s boxcar what color Shawna-Marie’s dress is, but that she’s been told the bride will be wearing “cream” (insert rolling eyes) and mockingly passes this info along to Candace.

    As for the different colored pastels, I don’t care what the trend is, I’m against it. I also don’t like the “same color, different styles” look.

  221. Moon Mullins
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    The true sign that the Lovepocalypse is on us is 200+ posts to this thread in just a few hours.

    There’s an old Peanuts when little Sally is newly born, and it is crazy at the Brown house. Snoopy thought balloons, “And in all the commotion, no one has remembered to feed the dog.” In all today’s commotion, no one has noticed that in today’s Mary Worth, Mary is using garden shears and trimming some plants outside.

    But wait! Mary lives in a condo complex, and I don’t believe she is their gardener. Mary is vandalizing the common grounds of Charterstone! When security sees what she is doing, the police will no doubt be called.

    When they hear her feeble excuses, the police will put her on an involuntary psychiatric hold and drag her off to the local loony bin.


  222. bootsybooks
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    My rule as a wedding guest is to leave as soon as the women kick off their shoes and commence linedancing in their stockinged feet.

    Jesus tapdancing Christ! That is so wrong!

  223. jules
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    Ugh. I’m back from the Foobletters. My head didn’t explode, but I’ll never forgive Ms. Johnston for putting the phrase “there are fourteen crew members down with the trots” in my brain.

  224. Blondie
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    And in recent news Blondie seems to have gone blind, or alternately Dagwood is completely insane and is hallucinating what he sees on the t.v. screen. His family must constantly humor him, plunging them all into a Funky Winkerbean-style emotional decay. Soon, the Bumsteads will be sitting in a padded cell in straight jackets.
    Personally I prefer the second option.

  225. Poteet
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    # 164 — O’F, an interesting notion, and the person we need to ask is Terese. Of course she’s probably off in the Bahamas somewhere with her new lover, still celebrating her escape from The Basement.

    # 172 — Perky Bird (I like your name), several previous quotes from Michael on this site have made me think “oh, surely he didn’t say THAT.” And then I visit the Foobsite and find out he did. Gaah! Much as I fear and avoid (DT)GT, at least Clambake doesn’t write a letter every month.

  226. Michael
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    To: Dev
    From: Test
    Re: Punchline routine in ALGJU 3K

    Two bugs:
    First, it didn’t dereference the [Baseball] pointer. It’s supposed to look it up in the DB and come back with “sliding into third base”.

    Second, for v2.3, once we get the parser routine, we need to make at least the one for the demo funny. Try “My classroom isn’t 2nd base, Andrews. I hear you can’t get there, either.”


  227. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    I happened to ask a Canadian about the Habs one time, whilst on a portage in Lost Forest as we were being feasted upon by blackflies and passing gas.

  228. Trotzenbonnie
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    So Michael P. doesn’t like unwashed guys. How does he feel about dirty girls? A whiff of clambake is o.k. but the smell of whitewalls and Fritos is bad?
    And Anthony has a daughter so I’m thinking he’s probably built like a Ken doll – which is probably all poor Liz could handle anyway.

    Wille – I want to see the AAAAHNO collection going down the runway at Fashion Week to the tune of the Foobville Wedding Song! Fantabulous!

    O’Fo – I am officially changing my name to Angsthony. Brilliant.

    And Dingo–Thanks for the workout. I laughed so hard that I now have a six-pack.

  229. Mack
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    I think the vague lines around Liz are supposed to suggest window glass, but they do add a nice saintly light of inner radiance and purity, also.

  230. Trotzenbonnie
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    #223 – Jules
    “There are fourteen crew members down with the trots”
    Johnston, you friggin bitch! Can’t a girl have some privacy?!

  231. Mumbles
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    On the bright side maybe Apwil (an’ Gerald) will babysit Francoise during the wedding. At least SOMEONE will get some hot action that night…..

    I’m wracking my brain what a good Canadian wedding song would be. “Tom Sawyer”? “Promiscuous Girl”? “Snowbird”? Shatner’s “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”?

  232. Ellie M.
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    Foobocalypse?! Oh come on guys, the Lizthony wedding will be such fun! Francie can be the flower girl and Mike can be the bridesmaid, and the wedding cake can be a humongous cinnamon bun. Best of all, if Liz wears “cream” then we’ll finally know for sure that she went “roadside” with Eric!

  233. jake!
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    Cedric looks too much like Bruce Wayne in the last panel. Clearly the ‘billionaire playboy’ alter ego drew too much attention, so the Batman had to calm it down a little. A good word from Alfred and next thing you know he’s all set up as a ‘butler’ who mysteriously appears when people are in danger.

    I assume he’s reaching for the hidden thruster ignition in that final panel, racing to drop his newest lady love at the local Batcave before the Penguin can snatch her to further his nefarious bird-crime related goals.

  234. Wellsey
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    And what was the inconsiderate jerk of a doctor in FW today? Sure it was a lame joke, but did you really need to say that out loud?? That’s what thought balloons are for! Lousy doctor! Of all the incompetent…

  235. Poteet
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    Foob — I finished all the monthly letters and have almost recovered. What’s with the basements? Liz is going to live in a basement, John is talking about a basement suite for April, and we all know about Anthony’s setup. Deanna’s mental state seems to be deteriorating — she talks about “adopting” April and is concerned about legal custody issues. (Is she planning to bump off Ellie and John, and if so, who could blame her?) And apparently Dixie is supposed to be a Sheltie. I’ve seen Shelties, Dixie, and (cover your doggie ears) they are a lot better looking than you.

    And of course Michael is all-out googoo batshit insane. His affair with Sheilagh was bad enough, but now he’s enamored with “Leonard.” And his profile makes me wonder how much he likes guys who DO wash. He says he doesn’t like “writers who can’t write,” but I suppose suicide is too much to hope for.

  236. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    #231 – “Look for the girl…with the ‘Stache in her eyes…and she’s gone! Gone! Gone! gone! gone!

  237. Poteet
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    # 230 — BWAHAHA! Good one, Trotzenbonnie.

    # 231 — Mumbles, in honor of Michael’s new putrid prose, maybe they’ll choose “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.”

  238. willethompson
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    Poteet! Like this?

    The (train)Wreck of the Frigid Miss Lizzy

    The legend lives on from Mtigwaki on down
    Of the ice queen that they call Frigid Lizzie…
    Her hips, they all say, have an equestrian sway
    Putting Maple Leaf men in a tizzy…

    She’s about as much fun as a date with a nun,
    I guess I don’t see the attraction.
    She’ll smile and tease, make you say pretty please,
    But you ain’t getting no satisfaction.

    Her boyfriends, it’s known, have a yen to go roam
    ‘bout a month after getting to know her..
    She might let you touch her Ontarian tush
    But, trust me, you won’t get no further.

    The natives were told that she would uphold
    Her contract to be their schoolteacher.
    She tried for a year, then said “I’m outta here!”
    And then she departed by ‘copter.

    The lure, we did see, of the RCMP
    Didn’t keep her in town like they counted.
    So when she said “adieu!” to the cop, you just knew
    Paul would find other ways to stay Mounted.

    Warren, you foob, keep your eyes off her boob!
    That’s the quickest route to perdition!
    Keep your joystick in hand, get the copter to land,
    Push her out and take off in one motion!

    So the Moustache’s fate is to be her soul mate,
    The poll in The Star will confirm it.
    But Anthony, you ass, take care what you ask
    For you know that you surely will get it!

    Or not…

    (whiny guitar fades out…)

  239. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    #237 – You did not just diss that song.

    Well, okay, I admit, the phrasing is kind of stilted and unnatural, but it sure doesn’t have Canadian farm girls abused by their fathers and other assorted products of a deluded mind.

    You know, I wonder if Michael gets visits from some horrid deceased writer when he’s up in the atic?

  240. teenchy
    May 1st, 2007 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    #147: Thanks for the exact Margo Sherman quote (see #53).

  241. Islamorada Girl
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    JP: Can’t y’all see? Cedric is working it like a claw!

    And I want the ‘Stache Shirt. In a range of pastels, please, Wille.

  242. Dean Booth (Tyler Bid Page)
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    Poor Rusty just wants to be loved by Mark: Rusty’s Lament (SFW).

    One last reminder: The current Tyler bid is $50. Bidding closes at midnight tonight.

  243. Len
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    Wille, if you do produce a line of ‘Stache mugs and tee shirts, you’ve GOT to send on to Lynne Johnston.

    I could not stop chuckling…

  244. exelizabeth
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth today: Vera inexplicably comes to Mary to discuss to problems of her past, Mary, with barely contained glee, leaps to her rickety feet, garden sheers in hand.

    Tomorrow: Mary trips on a root and goes flying, stabbing Vera in the chest and breaking a hip in the process. After a 2-6 year long trial, Mary gets to take her meddling to the pen.

    *fingers crossed*

  245. Tonstant Weader
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    Oh, fuck me. So basically, by For Better or for Worse law, everyone must marry and spend all eternity with their first twu wuv? Somewhere in Canada, a man who sat next to Lynn Johnson in the first grade is very, very scared.

  246. MossMoses
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    221. MM, actually, according to the chat Professor Ian Cameron and Mary Worth had in the hallway, the Charterstone bylaws do allow for individuals gardening on the common property but only if it is for positive, heartwarming purposes.

  247. Vince M.
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    I’m hearing the echoing choruses of “AAAAHHHH NOOOO” as it was screamed by Beavis.

  248. Len
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    Rusty looks a little dopey because he couldn’t sleep last night. The noises from Mark and Cherry’s bed in the corner kept him awake. If he had the nerve, he would’ve told Mark, “Hey, Dude! I think you were a little rough on the Beaver last night.” Lucky beaver…

    But the photos he took will make him some extra spending money.

  249. ghost of farley
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    It’s too bad that the nearest high school to LoFo isn’t in Milford … Rusty would feel right at home with the aliens kids there.

  250. seth
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    all i’m saying is… can this be a coincidence?

  251. O’Fogeyette
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    Allie Cat–have a great time abroad!

    Everyone else–how come everyone is going on vacation all of a sudden? Isn’t it SUMMER that’s vacation time?

    And Wille –how do you do parodies so quickly? Did you make a deal with the devil, perhaps? I’m still working on one I started over a month ago. By the time I finish, Michael will have died and the coma dream will be over.

  252. EmmaWoodhouse
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Does anyone else find it appropriate that the Foobpocalypse begins on May Day?

    Arise, Lizardbreath! You have nothing to fear but the ‘Stache!

  253. O’Fogeyette
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:47 pm [Reply]

    gh and others who were supportive during Google’s illness: I just found a site where I can upload pictures for sharing. So… here’s Google. This is not only SFW, it’s not even a joke. Just a picture, which I didn’t take, of my Googly.

  254. Dean Booth (Tyler Bid Page)
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    #253. Beautiful cat, O’F.

  255. fizzy logic
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:55 pm [Reply]

    #253 – O’Fogeyette – It’s Google! Thanks for sharing a picture of him. He’s so exotic looking! It’s funny how you form a mental picture – in my mind he looked more like my domestic tabby, only black. He posed nicely, too.

  256. WithoutaK
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    Something’s really been bothering me about A3G (aside from the usual, I mean) and I just put my finger on it. The theory that a gas leak is causing Lu Ann to hallucinate means this Albert Pinkham Ryder is really her subconscious. So it’s her subconscious that continually refuses to let her open a window.

    Clearly the poor thing is suicidal, which is actually shocking. We know she’s a loser and could therefore buy that she may feel suicidal but she (for whatever reason) thinks she’s got it goin’ on and thus shouldn’t be feeling this way. Now if it were Tommie in this scenario…

  257. WithoutaK
    May 1st, 2007 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    PS- O’F: Google is a beaut. Black cats have always been my favorite but I’ve never had one because my parents hate them and my brother is allergic. Curses upon them!

  258. Fried Froid w/ Squid
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:02 pm [Reply]

    #94 – Cornwacker

    Looks like Nancy’s taken over the ALGJU 3000 for today.

  259. Mr. O’Malley
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    219 A Groovy Kind of Love—wasn’t that Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders?

    I say that with more confidence since an elderly white-haired Wayne Fontana just sang it on my local PBS station last night. If your local PBS station hasn’t started pledging yet, beware of the Geriatric Return of the British Invasion Bands not Containing Most of the Original Members.

    That song is also the punchline (if it can be dignified by that term) of a joke that was popular when I was in high school. “What do you call using a corduroy condom?”

  260. Weasel Boy
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

    #219 and #238: Willethompson, you are on fire! Awesome stuff!

  261. Red Greenback
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    Red Greenbaby got back!!!…(I’m trying to re-acclimate with some sorta damn snark here). Winkerbeania as I understand it is a land of disease, despair, gabloits on the tookis, etc. Anyhoo, that’s pretty much the Cliff Notes of what I been going thru lately.

    I haven’t been able to come up with any decent snarkin’ in the interim because you guys have been absolutely stellar! My shit would have come across like:
    RMMD: sucks
    JP: suques
    MT: sucks locally/sucks globally
    Marm: really big sucky suckness…and so on.

    Anyhoo2-You folks have helped me through a very trying time. (That and seeing Stephen Hawking floating in zero g)

  262. Motorposus
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    #220 Allie Cat: I don’t mind bridesmaids in “same color different styles”, unless the bride has chosen an array of hideous novelty looks. It’s just hard for people with different body types to look good in the same cut.

    However, I’m in complete agreement with you on the “rainbow of pastel shades” concept. It’s too “collect all six”. You should never do this to your friends.

  263. Weasel Boy
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    #259: Phil Collins covered the Mindbenders’ “Groovy Kind of Love” in 1988. That reminds me of one of my favorite American Idol audition moments, when a young lady said that she would be singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” by Beyonce.

  264. Red Greenback
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:18 pm [Reply]

    Oh yeah, and my Margo! Boxcar! Saturn! cup! Thanks wille! (The tapered body is a plus, my Lenoesque chin doesn’t even touch it!)

  265. Motorposus
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:21 pm [Reply]

    #250 seth: Damn that’s uncanny!

  266. Air Forbes
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    Mike’s letter: “there are fourteen crew members down with the trots”

    Hey, I thought Mike’s character was the cook…this can’t be just a coincidence.

  267. O’Fogeyette
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:27 pm [Reply]

    Thanks to all who praised Google. Full disclosure: the photo was taken before I bought him. He’s a purebred, and had been owned by several people before me. The photo was taken by a professional, I think for a cat show.

    He looks the same now, just a little bit longer. He’s the longest cat I ever saw, though rather small overall (nine pounds).

    Shutting down now for the night. Happy snarking till coffee time!

  268. The Eleusinian
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:33 pm [Reply]

    Why on EARTH would anyone dress their bridesmaids in different colors? Unless it was something like ‘you wear blue, you wear purple’ and then alternate, that would be all right. But a rainbow of pastel colored bridesmaids is like being slapped in the face with a hideous taffeta kaleidoscope.

  269. reader-who-posts
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    GT: “Listen to ol’ Clambake here, I’m going to help you with all those walks. First, take off your clothes…”

    FBOFW: After all the time spent by curmudgeons trying to figure out how Johnston will maneuver Liz back into the arms of Granthony, she just has Liz announce that she ought to check him out? I feel robbed!

    BB: This is the way I’ve always pictured how Beetle Bailey would end – with Beetle’s horrific murder at Sarge’s hands. Too bad it’s not the end…

    Phantom: Ghost-who-walks likes to narrate his own life – Old Jungle Saying

    Pluggers: Pluggers’ cars don’t meet basic emissions standards.

    MW: Who the hell gardens at an condominium complex? Isn’t that why she’s paying maintenance fees? Mary can’t even stop meddling with the landscapers.

  270. Red Greenback
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:53 pm [Reply]

    I have a junior high yearbook photo and I look a hella lot like Rusty. (how do I link? I’m sure some o’ the ‘mudges may enjoy seeing it)…BTW, I’m a handsome middle aged man now.

  271. Dean Booth (Tyler Bid Page)
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    No time to read today’s snark yet — looking forward to it later on.

    For now, here’s my take on the Foobocalypse: Liz Discovers Her Destiny (SFW).

    P.S. Welcome back, Red.

  272. Anonymous
    May 1st, 2007 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    Red, c’mon figure it out and link so we can do a compare and contrast, Rusty to …hmm who’s a handsome middle aged man in the comics? Not PaterPere, not Chinbeard, Ted Forth is not old enough and TOO pretty…Are there any H.M.A.M in the comics?

  273. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:01 pm [Reply]

    Dean – let me be the first to say well done.

  274. vkbceb
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW: I just read a couple of the monthly letters. I don’t even have a funny comment to make, I’m just horrified.They are so offensively pretentious, I want something bad to happen to Lynn Johnston.

  275. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:02 pm [Reply]

    (Someone ought to print that one out and mail it to Lynn.)

  276. Nina
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:07 pm [Reply]

    O’F Google is beautiful! My cat Thomas weighed in at 26 pounds. He was a big cat! My two teacup chihuahua’s weigh 5.4 pounds together.

  277. alamo
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    foobville — oh i rue the disparaging comments once slung by i at poor anthony. were he to know the future and hie hence the other way as speedily as his lower limbs might transport him to safe refuge. ah the carnage that lies ahead. rather than he keep lizard in the playhouse in his basement the tables will soon be turned on him and he will soon be an emasculated casing of his former self when he sired little what-ever-her-name-is. never again will the arrows in his quiver be unsheathed; never shall they find a suitable target again. they shall wither on his vine. turn back anthony, old chap before it is too late! your fate should be better than this.

  278. True Fable
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    All this great snarking and song parodies and ripping good Foob hate; oh my!

    My snarkmeter got busted so I’m giving it a day or two.

    O’Fogeyette: beautiful kitty cat! and I bow to your penning the name “Angstony”. Gold, pure gold.

    #74 and 219 willethompson: If I could sing right now, I would warble your verses with pride.

    #187 Dingo: I guess I’m going to have to go to Blockbusters or some music site online because I know I’ve heard that song but I don’t know how it goes. Doesn’t matter; the words are great however they are presented!

  279. bats
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]



    (but it would make for an interesting wedding reception)

  280. MonkeyHawk
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    #277 –

    Good lord! Alamo is channeling Michael’s new book!

  281. Red Greenback
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:44 pm [Reply]

  282. Old Bean
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    Last night I woke up screaming ‘Mark Trail YOU BASTARD!’

    I know I should let it go, but the whole Dan and Sally thing is still eating at me. I mean, the last time one of my old fishing buddies pulled off an elaborate fake drowning insurance scam, I just smiled at the boat hook and wished my friend the best. Despite his facial hair. Who knew I was supposed to punch his beard off and destroy his life?

    Mr Trail, you’re a better man than I am. Or a monster.


  283. Harry Paratestes
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    MT: Rusty is a poster boy for abortion on demand, and also for state-sponsored eugenics programs.

  284. bats
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    Just discovered that LJ is on her second marriage…at least if one has to marry one’s first twu wuv, there’s a chance that one can improve upon it in a few years.

    No, wait, if Anthony hooks up with Liz, that blows that theory all to hell…

  285. Harry Paratestes
    May 1st, 2007 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    (DT)GT: Milford is so backward that their shortstops think it’s cool to do ‘Saturday Night Fever’ disco moves in the outfield, as seen in panel 2. Next week Clambake will spell out ‘Y-M-C-A’ from the dugout.

  286. Islamorada Girl
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:01 pm [Reply]

    Here are some lovely choices for the bridal party in the inevitable welding of Lizthony:

    I know many of you can do even better to design (and execute, with a handgun) some really stylish and tasteful Habitante schmataz for our blushing bride and her friends. Do you have the courage, the yards of apple green tulle and the purple polyester taffeta to try? Dingo? Wille? Dean? Anyone? Go for it!
    Poteet? Chennux?

  287. Poteet
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    # 238 — BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m laughing so hard I’m in pain. Thank you, wille!

    # 239 — Commodorejohn, I was not dissing the song, of which I am very fond. I suggested that song because of Michael’s new nautical novel, which is horridly described in his new monthly letter. He’s off the prairie farm kick — this time around, he’s torturing us with shipboard themes ranging from cookery to “Mayan royalty,” and the protagonist is some dweeb named Leonard. And unfortunately, I bet Leonard’s ship won’t sink.

  288. Justafoob
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    You know when The Wedding happens, Josh better alert his blog provider.

    If he don’t man, the server is going down baby……

  289. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    #287 – I see.

    He could have an insertion character from FOOB life and call it The Anthony Caine Mutiny.

    But of course it won’t be nearly that interesting.

  290. commodorejohn
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    God, did I just suggest that a Mike novel with Anthony in it would be interesting? What the hell was I thinking?

  291. Aardy
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    “You know you’re a plugger when the only thing you have in common with your significant other is your diaper brand.”

  292. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    #231: How about “Takin’ Care of Business” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive?

    #202: You are correct: “Gil Thorp” (a/k/a “(DT)GT”) is radio with pictures – if by “pictures” we mean cubistic distortions of 1950s cartoon archetypes as rendered by palsied hebephrenics bearing pens of random line-weights in their drooling mouths, and if by “radio” we mean the sounds that result when a hyperactive eight-year-old punches the car radio buttons repeatedly while driving between two major urban areas such that the signals of stations broadcasting on nearby frequencies overlap one another.

    Also re impending Foobocalypse: When you actually think about it, it’s very strange to imagine that the ideal marital partner is a childhood friend. I mean, “Oh look…remember when little Johnny from next door used to play with our precious Melody in that little wading pool with the ducks on it in our backyard, back in the 1980s? Just think – tonight his engorged penis will be splashing man-juice all over her pretty pink sugar walls!”

    Oh, sorry: how American of me. Apparently, in LJ’s world, Canadians reproduce without need of any of that nasty, unpleasant sex stuff. I imagine it’s part of their national health care. “Care for an infant with that allergy medicine, Mrs. Mulroney? They’re two-for-one this week only – and hey, I’m not supposed to, but since you’re a regular I’ll let you have the 10% off coupon too!”

  293. Islamorada Girl
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:23 pm [Reply]

    I will never, ever look at the Foob letters again, especially Michael “The Hack” Patterson. That bit about windjammers just got to me.
    Schooners hauled cargo back and forth between South America and the American South. Schooners, you landlubber, schooners! I know because my sainted granddaddy sailed lumber back and forth between Baltimore and ports south for 40 years. You little shit, you also hate Elvis? Now, you die with the Electric Blue Flaming Sword of Justice thrust into your chest. No one hates Elvis and lives while I wear the Electric Blue Bustier!

  294. Poteet
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    # 286 — Islamorada Girl, I have no talent for tulle or graphics, but that website is SUBLIME. Thank you, thank you. The Klingon wedding is especially wonderful.

    # 289 — HAR! Good one, commodorejohn.

  295. Poteet
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    # 293 — Islamorada Girl, three cheers for your Flaming Sword of Justice. I notice he also hates “editors who can’t edit.” By that, I assume he means editors who don’t recognize his overwhelming genius.

  296. Spotted HØrse
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    #192 Buck Ripsnort:
    Hey, rootin’ tootin’ name!

    If you’re a fan of Stephen Fry’s Jeeves, you may want to Google the Talking Alarm Clock. It features the sonorous mellifluous tones of Stephen Fry offering encouragement to face the day.

  297. Spotted HØrse
    May 1st, 2007 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    #292 Gadge:

    Also re impending Foobocalypse: When you actually think about it, it’s very strange to imagine that the ideal marital partner is a childhood friend… “…Just think – tonight his engorged penis will be splashing man-juice all over her pretty pink sugar walls!”

    Nicely done, Gadge! There’s just something kinda eew-wy about Liz’s “I-thought-it-was-time-to-find-out if Granthony is just a friend.” I mean, if there was ANYTHING, don’t you think, Liz, that you’d have a glimmer by now?

    LIZ… you foobish twit… do you need some sort of divining rod or Magic 8-Ball to tell if you’re aroused?

    …you really have no clue, do you, Liz?

  298. Spotted HØrse
    May 1st, 2007 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    #292 Gadge:
    And thanks. I now have a very graphic representation of the Blandthony load seared into my brain. You neutered my neurons.

  299. Red Greenback
    May 1st, 2007 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    Hart is a concept
    By which we measure
    Our pain
    I’ll say it again
    Scaduto’s a concept
    By which we measure
    Our pain

    I don’t believe in Crankshaft
    I don’t believe inTracy
    I don’t believe in Parker
    I don’t believe in Morgan
    I don’t believe inHagar
    I don’t believe in Johnston
    I don’t believe in Flagston
    I don’t believe in Curtis
    I don’t believe in Marvin
    I don’t believe in Zits
    I don’t believe in Ziggy
    I don’t believe in Worth
    I don’t believe in Chinbeard
    I don’t believe in Wilbur
    I don’t believe in Beetle
    I just believe in me
    Chennux and me
    And also Peggy

    The dream is over
    What can I say?
    The dream is over
    I was the Naysayer
    But now I’m undead
    I was Slylock
    But now I’m Red
    And so dear friends
    Something that rhymes with “Red”
    The dream is over

  300. Anonymous
    May 1st, 2007 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Is it just me, or has Lynn drawn Liz in panel #4 to look a bit like Shannon? AAAAHHHH……………. NOOOO…………….. THE………………. MUSTACHE……………….. NOOOO.

  301. andreavis
    May 1st, 2007 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    #253 O’F — Google sure is a cutie! To quote in the style of Cute Overload , “the ears! they keeel me!”

    In re. bridesmaid dresses: I had my two attendants wear the “same color different style” look, because I thought they should get to buy dresses they might want to wear again. I draw the line at the same style/different color thingie though– looks too much like a technicolor yawn to me.

  302. Allie Cat
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    301 et al – in re: bridesmaid dresses – I didn’t do the same color different styles because I busted a gut to find a universally flattering dress – not easy, since I had a size 2 and a size 16. Don’t get me started on the color – since I had a redhead, I couldn’t go with anything in the pink or red family, and as my best friend is an olive skinned Italian, that also sank my battleship in the green family.

    I really wanted my colors to be sangria and margarita (with me in “cream”), but that just didn’t happen. And as punishment for their stubborn pigmentation, my ‘maids were forced into strapless topaz blue chiffon gowns – they all looked great, they photographed beautifully and I think they all hated the dress.

    Mission accomplished.

  303. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    Where oh where oh where do I sign up to be a member of BIRD STRIKE COMMITTEE USA? It sounds so fucking cool! I see myself out on the tarmac with a 9-Iron acting nonchalant (like some gay boulevardier out for a stroll) and then, once I’m upon a grouping of Canada Geese or Snow Geese — BAM! like Anthony into Liz’ honeypot — out comes the club and the bird strike commences. Is there a hat that goes with it? I am, you see, a hat man.

    Man, that’d put me in “cream.”

  304. anthus
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    First April, then Marvin and Darrin, now Abbey. Looks like the only kid in Comicsland who hasn’t gone roadside yet is, ironically, Hillary Forth. Perhaps she’s so disgusted by Ted and Sally’s constant non-stop fuckathon gentle flirtation that she vowed to stay a virgin until they’re both dead. Also that way she won’t have to wear “cream” at her wedding.

  305. CrabbyGenes
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    The Wednesday FOOB-strip, just up: Is there HOPE?? After all?? Nah…couldn’t happen. The inevitable is still on its way. This is just a little detour.

    I have to take those horrible monthly letters in small doses. So far I have managed to get through only Michael’s (thought I’d read what is probably the worst one first.) Now I would like to punch Michael in the nose. Or Lynn Johnston. Or both.

  306. Dingo
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    So, I’ve begun looking at Washington Post comics after 11PM because the next day is available thanks to Eastern time zone. I now know that Von is Vera’s brother and not some DoubleMint Mishap at the CIA headquarters. My bet is that when Mama and Papa Shields died, Von tricked Vera into allowing his fraternity to host a party on the premises and, by morning light, all of the porcelain swans had been absconded by his buddies. Either that or Von took the beaded shawl that Aunt Tessie had said would be Vera’s upon her death.

    If anyone looks at Von and Vera and begins thinking of Angelina Jolie and her brother at the Academy Awards, shame on you. Shame.

  307. bobbaloo (aka bob byrd)
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:25 pm [Reply]

    may 2nd A3G…so Luann’s eyes and lips are both flesh colored, proving she’s a fembot in meltdown….but then she’s got an adam’s apple, so I guess she’s a himbot, not a fembot

  308. RoskoP
    May 1st, 2007 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW: Maybe they could take a page out Adam Sandler’s “The Wedding Singer”. April and Co. are slated to play at big Sis’s wedding to the ‘Stache. Liz, feeling trapped in a loveless engagement, breaks free by running off with the wedding band’s lead singer–in this case, Eva. Except that Liz has a much wider butt than Drew Barrymore ever will.

    MT: Goofus complains when he is left behind on a road trip.
    Gallant promises to look after Cherry while Mark is gone. Oh yeah, and that feed the animals thing.

  309. King Folderol
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    FBOFW – Lizzie’s downward eyes in panel 4 nicely seem to express regret and “none of your damn business” all at once. Lynn gets some rare credit from me.

    Archie – If Archie scraping his stomach and genitalia on the hard school floors is supposed to be the joke, then I’m not laughing. My stomach hurts, but not from any side-splitting laughter type noises.

    GT (DT) – I might have mentioned this before, but Clambake looks to me like a cross between Gandhi and the creepy old dude from Family Guy.

    JP – I don’t care how cool you think you are Cedric with your bad ass attitude, your young girlfriend, and your pecs that last till Tuesday…no one who wears a bow tie is all that cool.

    MT – Ick. Rusty looks worse than ever! When did radiation start seeping into The Lost Forest, and why does it affect only Mark and Cherry’s brains but also affect poor Rusty’s looks?

  310. Poteet
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    I was never a bridesmaid. In my youth, I felt a wee bit deprived, but the Ugly Dress site has ended that feeling forever. I love the Ugly Dress site. Thank you again, Islamorada Girl.

  311. Dingo
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:12 am [Reply]

    Hooray! Anthony is taking someone else to the wedding!!! Maybe she (or he?) can help him adjust those pants and tie so that they fit right.

  312. frigg
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:13 am [Reply]


    Holy crap! I can’t read ‘em all, so if someone else noticed and posted, I apologize.

    Did you folks notice how Archie looks not-so-cute in panel 1, then suddenly has a really sorta-(sorry, Mom, for noticing)-kinda-cute butt in panel 2?

    I guess I’m officially gay now, but that butt is pretty RAD! I would consider inserting my now-officially-gay (human) member into that forever-gay (black-ink-drawing) bottom/hiney/rear-end.. Sexy!

    By “member,”, which I said earlier, I mean “dinger,” if ya know what I mean. By “dinger,” which I just mentioned, I mean “pecker.” By “pecker,” which I just said, I mean “schlong.” By “schlong” I mean…ahhh heck…lotsa meanings.


  313. Poteet
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    # 253 — O’F, Google has beautiful eyes. They remind me of the eyes of my black kitty. Thanks for posting!

  314. SecretMargo
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    Did anyone else notice, looking back at that old Shawna-Marie strip, that not only did nameless choker girl switch dress colours panel to panel, but Shawna herself switched ethnicities?

    Check it out:

    Does this shed any more light on the “cream” remark?

  315. Trilobite
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    #311 — Don’t be so quick to celebrate, Dingo; we all know where this is going. Mr. Pornstache will make creepy goo-goo eyes at Liz all throughout the wedding, treating his own date like crap. But that’ll be okay, because she’s probably just an escort he rented for the evening anyway — thanks, Canada, for your relaxed attitude towards prostitution! — and while that would be an immediate sign that ALL MEN ARE SCUM if it was done by any other guy in her life, Liz will giggle and find it incredibly flattering.

    After the wedding, they will hook up, she’ll catch the mommy bug after a few days babysitting in his basement (along with Legionnaires’ disease and a bad case of manacle-rash), and the rest of the dreary inevitability will play out as expected.

    There is no escape. There is no hope. There is only Blandthony. That vague smell of cinnamon may as well be a whiff of brimstone, because only hell awaits us.

  316. Jack Parsons
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    Just a little reward to those who read this far:
    More Aunt Fritzi!

  317. Poteet
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    # 314 — Wow. Thanks, SecretMargo. Now that’s what I call a Lynnian tan.

  318. Spotted HØrse
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    #315 Trilobite: I agree that in the Foobverse, there can be only one. Granthony’s date is a red herring. Literally.

  319. Poteet
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    DT — No, Dick, a body didn’t fall into the funnel. A live person fell into the funnel. You’ve seen so many live people turned into corpses, often with your assistance, that these fine distinctions may escape you. But if the body is still breathing, it’s alive. Make a note of that for your next Crimestopper tip.

  320. fborfwlover
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    Come to my low-tech site and enjoy dedicated fborfw love/hate. It’s filled with inside jokes and every ism in the book.

  321. Jameson
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    C’mon… you know Anthony’s date is going to turn out to be his kid.

  322. Poteet
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    Foob — The final Warren Dump still has to take place to make room for Pornstache, so maybe Warren will end up at Shawna-Marie’s wedding also. I’m going to wear a puce satin number with puffy sleeves and a big yellow sash, and I’ll carry a lorgnette. See you there!

  323. Jobrill
    May 2nd, 2007 at 1:03 am [Reply]


    Strangely enough, I dislike Love Hina for the same Reason I dislike the Liz/Granthony storyline: Keitaro/Liz is forced into marriage with the person he/she is SUPPOSED to Marry to fulfill the author’s fantasies, rather than someone they SHOULD marry, if they should, indeed, marry at all. >_>

  324. kippetje2000
    May 2nd, 2007 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    Who’s there?
    Granthany who?

  325. SecretMargo
    May 2nd, 2007 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    321, Jameson: I concur. Unless it’s … Lawrence? He does seem to have a thing for the more, um, unassuming and mustachioed :

    Lynn, can’t you let any of your characters get with a dude that doesn’t look like a variation on John? Is that really your idea of virile manhood? Lawrence is a total CILF! Why must he be dragged into your twisted fetish for pasty dudes with the sex appeal of filing cabinets? And of course, more pressingly: why must Liz?

    Speaking of virile manhood, though: check out Vexed Morgan, MD in panel 2, savoring his revenge — a dish best served cold . . . and sticky. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: Rex, you petty, petty bitch. You’ve never been more beautiful.

  326. Mrs. Erin Hill
    May 2nd, 2007 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    Liz even let the bun down – only to be denied.

    And what about this dialogue…

    “Anthony, this is a lovely office!” Was I the only one who read this to be “Anthony, this is a LONELY office!”

    “And to what do I owe the honor of this most welcome visit?” To borrow from Grey’s: Seriously? Seriously? Is this how Canadians talk??

    Jameson #321- Totally his kid. Lame.

  327. Spotted HØrse
    May 2nd, 2007 at 2:03 am [Reply]

    #316 Jack Parsons: Thanks for the Aunt Fritzi experience. I feel fresh.

  328. MonkeyHawk
    May 2nd, 2007 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    Ah, c’mon.

    Lizardbreath will become enamored with whomever she’s paired up with in the wedding party, Angsthony will ache for a week, and who do you think will catch the bride’s bouquet? Yup, little Blandthony-Spawn (whatever her name is) who’ll be brought to the wedding as the “…and guest” from the invitation.

    I have utter contempt for people who bring children to grown-up events. The only socially acceptable way to deal with a 2-year-old slapping food on the plate is to say, even condescendingly, “How cute,” when all you want to do is throttle the parents for being so cheap or over-protective of their progeny they must bring a pre-housebroken critter into a place where adults might aspire to a little enjoyment.

    I live in a jursidiction where they still have Smoking and Non-Smoking sections in restaurants. When they ask my preference I tell them, “Anyplace away from children.” Some look shocked for a moment but they and all of the others eventually nod knowingly and direct me to an appropriate table.

    Forget the parfait bridesmaid dresses, forget the cream-colord bridal gown, forget who Lizardbreath takes to the wedding. We’re all expected to be charmed when Angsthony’s evil spawn catches the bouquet.

    Strong letter to follow.

  329. skulking on the outskirts
    May 2nd, 2007 at 2:19 am [Reply]

    Okay, just got back from reading Michael Dweeberson’s monthly letter, and the subsequent ten minutes spent worshipping the porcelain god. I have only two words: PRE-FUCKING-TENTIOUS SHIT. There, I feel slightly better now.
    Moving on- Wille, # 238-that was awesome! And fast! How do you do that?
    Seth, #250-she looks familar, who is she?
    O’F, # 253-I like your cat, and I like your cat’s dramatic ears, but seriously, he looks like he could take flight in a stiff breeze.
    Dingo, # 306-Angelina Jolie has a brother?
    And anybody at all–what is (THTI)FBOFW?

  330. Trilobite
    May 2nd, 2007 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    The Horror That Is FBOFW, I believe.

  331. Trilobite
    May 2nd, 2007 at 2:43 am [Reply]

    Breathe (To Your Certain Doom), as performed by LuAnn 3G
    (brazenly thieved from the musical “Hair”)

    Welcome, studio vapors,
    Hello, phantom molestor
    The air, the air is everywhere
    Breathe deep, while you sleep, breathe deep

    Bless you, Margo and Tommie,
    Save me — unless you’re too busy,
    Albert Ryder is in the air
    Breathe deep, while you sleep, breathe deep

    Cataclysmic, ectoplasm
    Tommie’s looking for orgasm
    Vapor and fume as I paint to my doom
    Breathe ghostly toxic perfume
    Painting to my certain doom

    Welcome, Albert P. Ryder,
    Hello, events hypoxic
    The air, the air is everywhere
    Breathe deep, while you sleep, breathe deep

  332. AppleGirl
    May 2nd, 2007 at 3:03 am [Reply]

    299 – Red Greenback, the dream is over?

  333. Jym
    May 2nd, 2007 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    =311= The 2-May-2007 Foob (Dingo): I am assuming that Anthony’s “date” will turn out to be his daughter.

  334. AppleGirl
    May 2nd, 2007 at 3:17 am [Reply]

    O’Fogeyette, I luv your cat Google . He is a special breed, with those amazing ears. Quite outstanding. I have a black cat, too. Mine is an alley cat who walked into my house 12 years ago and just stayed.

    Islamorada Girl, I was laughing so hard at the ugly dresses. The Klingon wedding, the donut cake… and of course in the shoe section: the snowman slippers: WTF? Hilarious!

    Poteet, I haven’t decided what to wear to Shana Marie’s wedding. At first I was thinking I’d just wear my old “cream” wedding dress, but your puce number with the puffy sleeves makes me want to put a little more effort into it.

  335. Moon Mullins
    May 2nd, 2007 at 3:24 am [Reply]

    316 Jack Parsons: Yes, Aunt Fritzi truly has it going on. But can’t you just drool in anticipation of her meeting up in adventurous friction with the magmacannons of The Librarian?

    p.s. note to many posters recently: I have the lamest pet peeve still pestering from my editing days, so my apologies, but — you cannot be “enamored with” something, you are “enamored of” something. Think of using “enamored” in the same way you would use the word “fond”, and you will always be correct.

    Of course, this will probably bring out that recent deconstructionist poster to slam me, who says that English “belongs to everyone” so you can write whatever you damn well please.

  336. Christopher
    May 2nd, 2007 at 3:30 am [Reply]

    FOOB: “Could the guy who made a pass at me during my rapist’s trial possibly be interested? I only hope I can figure it out!”

    Jesus, I don’t see how Anthony could be more obviously interested unless he just went up to Liz and said “Wanna fuck?”

    Wake up, Liz.

  337. Cajetas
    May 2nd, 2007 at 3:31 am [Reply]

    How come everybody is worried about Liz inevitable destiny with the Moustache while nobody has paid attention to how today we saw Beetle Baileys mangled and butchered corpse. Take another look

  338. Islamorada Girl
    May 2nd, 2007 at 5:37 am [Reply]

    I’m with y’all! If Granthony’s “wedding date” isn’t Widdle Francie, I’ll eat a bug. You can see this moment of Splenda cuteness coming from across the continent.

    PS. Michael Patterson must die.

  339. compass rose
    May 2nd, 2007 at 5:48 am [Reply]

    #321 Jameson – You called it, and you are SO right.
    Anthony and daughter on the dancefloor – Awwwww. Elizabeth, watching, will fall in love with him all over again. Awwwww.
    I feel queasy.

  340. AppleGirl
    May 2nd, 2007 at 6:15 am [Reply]

    (THTI)FOOB – Yeah, you guys are probably right about Anthony bringing his daughter. But wouldn’t it be great if he brought some nasty girlfriend and he got real drunk and obnoxious? Grabbing her butt, getting up there and singing with the band, and falling on the dancefloor? Hey, I’m not in denial of the Foobocalypse. Just: a girl can dream, right?

  341. Abbey the Wonderdog
    May 2nd, 2007 at 6:30 am [Reply]

    By the way, you are sitting in a pile of moldy, week old ice cream that my daughter spilled last week.

    Sigh, I guess this will lead to a trip to the dry cleaners to stall for time.

    The ol’ “No tickee not shirtee” stall for time dodge….


  342. willethompson
    May 2nd, 2007 at 6:35 am [Reply]

    Turnng away from the tranwreck that is FOOB:

    JP: Just where are they driving? Has Paris been evacuated? Have zombies taken over? The undead are in their boxes of native earth waiting for PM drive time to clear out? Cedric has the posture of a man who has just parked the cruise control at 180 kmh and has Mannheim Steamroller playing softly under the wind noise as he declaims about a butler’s love for underage poontang and it’s Doraingreyish properties for delaying aging.

    RMMD: “Yeah, that my daughter’s ice cream. Horrific, isn’t it? You Brits probably have a funny name or it like ‘splunge’ or ‘treacledrip,” but yeah, she likes those weird flavors. Whoda thought that Ben&Jerry would come up with one called ‘Chunky Vomit?’

  343. Motorposus
    May 2nd, 2007 at 6:40 am [Reply]

    #329: That’s Amy Sedaris in “Strangers With Candy”

  344. stinky pete
    May 2nd, 2007 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: Clambake’s coming to the Bucket!

    PBS: Interspecies garage cleaning!

    MT: “It’s good to see you. Mark.”

    Man, the comix are just a cesspool of filth and vice today.

    Speaking of GT, does teenager-of-indeterminate-gender in panels 1&3 have one leg a lot shorter than the other? Or is he just bending over backwards? And is there any way we can turn that last sentence into a euphemism for a sexual technique?

  345. Allie Cat
    May 2nd, 2007 at 6:57 am [Reply]

    Foob – My first thought was that it’s his kid – who else could it be?

    If it’s not his kid, I’m going to be PISSED because we’re going to have to play more cat and mouse games until Angsthony and Lizardmess end up together 4-eva.

    Because we know that’s going to happen.

    My question is – do we see the wedding before the great “Time Freeze” or does Liz stay a perpetually engaged gal, thus ensuring that Anthony never gets laid again?

  346. Len
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:08 am [Reply]

    #314 — Shawna-marie, like Warren, is an Afro-Canadian who has inexplicably “lightened up.” Michael Jackson is funding a study of the phenomenon.

    Cue “4-ever and Eva” to cover a rendition of “A Whiter Shade of Pale.”

  347. Mr. Coffee Nerves
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:10 am [Reply]

    Unseen Panel Six of Foob:
    “I think you might actually know him, Liz…his name is Warren and he’s a helicopter pilot.”
    “Her name is Shaaaa-nonn adn she’s this really ‘special’ girl.”

  348. Allie Cat
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:17 am [Reply]

    More Deconstructing Foob:

    One, Liz is turning into a real Margo with the quotes- “cream” yesterday; today “escort”. Go ahead and admit it, Liz – we, the readers are “screwed”.

    Two – Anthony says he’s *invited* someone else – while we’re all pretty sure it’s his kid, I like how ambiguous this is – he could say he’s bringing someone or he’s asked someone, or even call the someone his date – I think Lynn is toying with us.

    Do we really think Anthony went down to the basement, opened Francoise’s cell and said “Would you do me the honour of being my plus one at the nuptuals of Shawna-Marie and her beloved?”

    Come the hell on! Then again, maybe that’s exactly what he did.

  349. smacky
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    If there are two adult women on this planet that would consider Anthony a viable partner for ANYTHING other than the victim of a snuff film… well, that would surprise me quite a bit.

  350. Sheilagh
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:24 am [Reply]

    Can someone help me with today’s Get Fuzzy? I don’t get it.

  351. AhClem
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:29 am [Reply]

    Move over, June! Rat is going to clean Pig’s garage. (Ew).

    I’ll bet Pastis is lurking on this site.

  352. Buck Ripsnort
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    MW5/2: Another incest storyline? DAMMIT WHAT IS WRONG W/ THESE PEOPLE?

  353. calico
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:31 am [Reply]

    #340 – heh, just like Fredo and his “girlfriend” at the beginning of Godfather 2.
    (Eerie Solo Trumpet starts to play in background)

    RM – “And, oh, yeah, my dog Abby had a little er, accident, shall we say, in the front passenger seat the other day, after licking up the extra spilled ice cream.”

  354. Trilobite
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    See, I was thinking panel six was more along the lines of “I can’t tell her I’m going with someone else: I booked her in advance and already paid her for the whole night, and she doesn’t give refunds.”

    After all, this sad sack of crap has been pining after his high school sweetheart for years and years. He has the kind of loser-stink clinging to him that makes women instinctively find excuses to get the hell away from him and his creepy pornstache. He is, put simply, unlovable by any human being…which is probably why the Pattersons adore him so. He ain’t going to be getting a real honest-to-god non-inflatable date of the non-hooker variety.

    Sadly, until everyone else jumped on the “he’ll take his daughter” bandwagon, that idea hadn’t even occurred to me. Now it seems as obvious and painfully unavoidable as the rest of this disaster, of course.

  355. smacky
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    #342, Willie, “…a butler’s love for underage poontang and it’s Doraingreyish properties for delaying aging” is probably the loveliest thing I will hear (read) all day.

    How can Abbey go home now that she knows the butler will be boinking Neddy (in the backseat of the Bently!) before the plane leaves the ground?

  356. Tex LeBeauf
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    I believe that cream signifies that the bride is, like so many good girls, no longer qualified to wear white, but remains nonetheless a Virgin in Front. Like Liz, probably.

  357. commodorejohn
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    FOOB – There’s those goddamn bee-sting lips again.
    Anthony has invited another girl; (wait, doesn’t this mean he’s Male Scum? C’mon, Lynn, is it too much to ask for a little consistency? Oh wait, silly me. Never mind.) Oh no, shock, faint, what shall she do? Besides going with another friend (on a theoretical level, she does have male friends who aren’t suitors, right? No, probably not, I suppose,) which Wouldn’t Be Right.

  358. man behind the curtain
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    FBOW — Maybe Granthony is bringing Candace to the wedding. And since Shawna-Marie is from Quebec and Unlce Phil lives in Montreal, the hoseophonium will also be making a wedding-day appearance.

  359. Len
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Marvin and Sienna are communicating telepathically. Didn’t we all have telepathy as a skill before we became verbal?

    I always preferred the notion presented in the old “Sugar and Spike” comic books. Rug rats spoke a universally understood form of baby talk to each other. A typical example: “Glxx sptzl glaaa!” Interspersed with poorly understood nuggets of Adult language. Example: “I sowwy,” which means “the cat did it.”

    (No offense meant to Google. Those ears! Those EARS!)

  360. andreavis
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:49 am [Reply]

    #350 Sheilagh: the The Petronas Towers

    I think Satchel has challenged the contractor kitty’s manhood… you know how those fellas are always comparing the size of their “construction” [/fingerquotin' Margo]

  361. insolenttomato
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    #325 SecretMargo: THAT’S Lawrence’s partner? Lawrence!Partner looks like he’s about twenty years older than CILFey Lawrence! I’d think he was Lawrence’s sugar daddy but for the fact that LJ claims “they met at school.” Is every reasonably attractive 20-something in the FOOBiverse destined to spend the rest of their lives eternally paired with a prematurely aging soulmate?

    A sidebar on wedding dress colour; evidently the white dress=virginity/chastity is a modern concept. During the Victorian Age, wearing a brand new white dress became en vogue because it was a conspicuous way for the bride’s family to display their wealth by purchasing a brand new gown that easily shows every single speck of dirt that lands on it. “Look at us! We can afford to spring for a new dress that can only feasibly be worn once! In your face, impoverished factory worker!” The tradition stuck, and ultimately the concept of virginity was attached to it. Before then, brides just wore whichever dress in their closet was the best. Although in Rome, some brides wore white to signify happiness.

    More information on bridal gowns can be found on the series o’ tubes.

  362. Justafoob
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:56 am [Reply]


    Granthony invited Therese.

    It is going to result in who does Granthony choose: the chaste, heroine Liz


    the Slut…..

    I think the hand writing is on the wall….

  363. dreadedcandiru2
    May 2nd, 2007 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Foob #328. I gotta agree with you there, MonkeyHawk. Blandthony seems like the sort of jackass who trots his kid every-fucking-where. Whenever I hear George Carlin’s rant about single fathers who act like they’re King of Big Fucking Deal Mountain, guess whose ugly mug pops up in my head? We’re all supposed to gush over some yowling brat because her Dad is too stunned to hire a damn sitter.

  364. Sheilagh
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    Sorry, andreavis, I’m still clueless. I’d grasped that it was something architectural. And?

    BTW, isn’t Liz about due for another “date” with Lawrence? He specializes in covering up for gals who can’t get a REAL date…

  365. commodorejohn
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    #340 – I’m dreaming of that possibility too, but I know it’s not going to happen because Anthony is the One who can control the Lynntrix (he can stop criticisms with a mere wave of his hand.) Jameson might be right with the “bring-your-daughter to a wedding” thing, though it’s going to be a little awkward when little Francoise starts asking the other kids there what their cages are like.

    On a side note, I agree with everyone who says that bringing a kid to a wedding is a bad idea, because that happened to me a lot as a kid. I was pretty good about it; I didn’t raise hell like some kids, I just filled up on rolls and after-dinner mints and then tore around the church looking for anything that wasn’t astonishingly boring. It’s no more fun for the kids than it is for the adults; why bother?

  366. mere cog in the machine
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    If Lynn Johnston really wanted to make it intriguing she’d have Anthony invite April. April could show up on his arm, all tarted up, drink too much and grind scandalously on the dance floor with him and any other male guest who likes young Canadien trim.
    Ok, I need to stop and take a shower now.

  367. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:21 am [Reply]


    Agnes: It’s funny because it’s true.

    RMMD: Wow, Rex is driving this guy up the wall. He’s really got Avery thinking that he’s a dunce. What a good actor he turned out to be. ‘Cause this is an act, right? Good God, please tell me this is an act!

    BB: Why does Miss Buxley have to get a permission slip from… so… confused.

    Edge City: The mother could calm her baby down just by nursing him. In fact she could make about half the restaurant pretty happy that way.

    S-M: Spidey really is off his game. He hasn’t made fun of Kordok’s mullet once. Is that a component of his spider-sense?

    (DT)GT: Clambake is coming to the bucket. Really it was inevitable.

    MW: Any bets on which V-sibling drives off a cliff in 3 months?

    TDIET: This is the kind of complaint you make when you’ve already lost your job. Someone’s got a lot more time to share his brilliance with Al Scaduto.

    FC: Jeffy is laughing because he just realized he’s about the same weight as 60 bottles of malt liquor.

    Phantom: “Haha, suckers! This boy’s going into the shoe business, and I’ve got a goldmine of cheap labor.”

  368. Widdle Jeffy
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    My god, Jeffy, you are over 14000 grams.

    Put down that Ho-Ho.

    We are going to nip this fat child problem in the bud.

    You are on bread and water from now on….now get back to your cell.

  369. TurtleBoy
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    Hey everyone! Today’s MT features star of stage and screen, dapper character actor Harold Gould!

  370. TurtleBoy
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:30 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: what in the hell is a giant chicken gonna do with thumbtacks? Wouldn’t wingtacks be easier to work with?

  371. Dennis Jimenez
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    FBoFW – Hey Blanthony – I think the mgr. at Denny’s wears his tie even shorter.

    MT – I’m sick of all these bird strikes, too. Can’t we just hire some bird scabs?

    RMMD – Ha Ha – Hugh got Rex’s cream on his butt.

    FC – Assume the position, Jeffy.

  372. Dennis Jimenez
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    370 – I can’t tell if it’s a rooster or a hen, but perhaps some wingnuts would be useful.

  373. Josh (not THE Josh)
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    I just read Michael’s May letter. It is awful, of course. Here’s the first paragraph:

    My head is firmly wedged inside novel number two. It feels good to be back within the comfortable confines of a world of my own creation. I’m in control. Every character, every event, every turn of phrase is generated by “the gift”. Sometimes, I can’t quite access the magic that drives the urge to write and at other times, it takes over. Again, I’ve been swept back into the past. It’s 1874, I’m 23. Having fought with my father for the last time, I signed on to a windjammer – one of the large cargo sailing vessels that carried goods between South America and the Southern United States. Having no skills other than short order cooks (learned in my parents’ dockside restaurant in Galveston), I was put to work in the kitchen of the S.M.S. Princess Aleksandra Janiak, a worn, iron-hulled “maiden” that ferried everything from sugarcane to guano across the Caribbean Seas.

    The question is this: what will he name this sophomore effort?! I hope the people here might offer their suggestions. (I also hope that Michael might get a few sledgehammers to the front and back covers while his head is wedged inside that novel – christ, what a terrible writer “Michael” is.)

  374. TurtleBoy
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    FC HOLY CRAP! Jeffy weights 8,467,950,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atomic mass units! Jesus, kid, lay off!

  375. Justafoob
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    A title for Mike’s novel, hmmmm:

    Moby’s Dick

    Masturbater and Commander

    A Man Without a Plot Device


    The Granthony Caine Mutiny

    Mutiny with some Bounty Paper Towels


    the possibilities are endless…

    Josh should run a contest……

  376. Josh
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    #373 Fellow Josh-

    I can’t stand to read the FOOB letters, so I’m glad when others excerpt the high points here. I’d just like to point out that “short order cooks” isn’t a skill per se, but rather a plural noun. (“Having no skills other than short order cooks…”) But since no one is allowed to edit Mikey’s brilliant prose, we’ll just have to put up with these kinds of errors.


  377. O’Fogeyette
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Google thanks you all for your continuing praise. Like all cats, he expects to be worshipped.

    286 Islamorada Girl: Your hilarious link took me back to my young adulthood, when I used to meet my friends in the Times Square subway station to go to Mets games. We always met outside the Ugly Shirt Shop just inside the 41st Street entrance. It had another name, but one look in the window at the shirts displayed, and you knew you were at the right place!

    362 Justafoob: I read your post as “I think the handwringing is on the wall,” and decided that is just as apt.

    Small children at weddings are a no-no unless they are specifically invited. I lost a lifelong friend at my wedding over that very issue.

  378. blueberry
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    #373: I vote for “Sugarcane to Guano.”

  379. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    #350 – Sheilagh – Get Fuzzy is not the “punchline at the end” sort of strip. There’s an esoteric undercurrent of absurdity and snappy reparte that, mixed with the various character quirks and running plot line, results in a a comedic cornucopia, a humorous stew or a fruit salad of funny. It’s probably not an easily accessible jocularity for the masses, though, I must admit.

    Mocking on the pronounciation of “di-n’t” isn’t something that will be warmly greeted by those who use that pronounciation.


    Funky has surpassed all previously known depths to which a comic can sink before it hits the infinite bottom of depression. The unseen fourth panel is Les chiming in with his sad take on life, too. “I, on the other hand, will go to a job that I hate to teach unwilling students that I detest daily lessons that they will never use and will so quickly forget. Sigh. My day will go to waste as well, and after many such soulless days, such will be my wife – er – life. Oops. Sorry. Oh, great, now you’re crying.” Comedy gold, folks. Don’t touch that dial.

    GT: Is it just me, or is this pitcher guy always leaning backwards at a 45 degree angle? I also like the way his shadow is going to whomp him upside the head with a baseball bat in panel 1.

    JP: I could have sworn that car was black.

    Mallard: Al Sharpton doesn’t speak for Democrats, doesn’t speak for the left, doesn’t speak for the black community, and has never been elected for anything. Why don’t you mock on Pat Roberston? He’s got the same credentials and the same chronic diarhea of the mouth condition.

    MT: Another day, another talking crotch alert. Not safe for kids.

    Spidey: Shoot him. Just shoot him. I’m waiting. Go ahead, Kordok, just SHOOT HIM ALREADY!

    TDIET: One day, there will be a development in communication technology that will allow someone to be contacted even when they are not at home. There can be a simple device that permits one way signals, to alert the carrier that someone is attempting to reach him or her. This invention will be called the “pager”. Greater technology will one day be applied to this field, resulting in a two way voice communication from a remote location. This will be called the “cellular telephone”. I’m still waiting for that day. Maybe by then we’ll have flying cars, too.

  380. Smokin Grassroots
    May 2nd, 2007 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Is Fred Bassett’s mom about to commit suicide today?

  381. Justafoob
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    You must be smokin grassroots today. Unless Fred Bassett is a Plugger, that ain’t his mom.

    Owner, yes.

    Mom, no.

    Unless she wuvs her widdle cutsey wootsy bassety wassety houndy soooooo much she calls her self mommy.

    Then she goes and grabs the Jif so she can see if Fred is into incest…..

  382. blueberry
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    FBoFW: This strip should run in the science fiction section because no aspect of the Foobian world ever would or could (not to mention should) exist in anything approximating the real world, or even Canada.

    I am hoping against all odds that Anthony’s wedding date turns out to be not his adorable little child but Laurence. Please please please?

    In closing, I just want to point out that someone who wears a dark blue tunic, maroon slacks and a white purse deserves someone wearing a burnt orange shirt and short red tie.

  383. TurtleBoy
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    #379 Hogen Mogen, re: Get Fuzzy: Hmmm…I have to admit that I’ve actually found the last few years of Get Fuzzy to be tired and forced. What used to be “snappy repartée” is more often than not just bland lead-up to lame puns (not FW- or Foob-lame, but nothing like Conley used to create). His “character quirks” are inconstant, and the boundaries of his characters are often violated for the sake of expediting a particularly bad pun. (For example, Satchel, supposedly naïve and not-so-bright, will every now and then inexplicably draw on knowledge or sophistication he’d never have, simply in order to help Rob in a clever dis of Bucky.)

    Don’t get me wrong, the strip is still good (one of the best mainstream strips out there), but it’s a gray shadow of its former self.

  384. Howard Erk
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Careful TurtleBoy, you may be beaten up and tossed in the street for promoting heresy here. GF is untouchable.

  385. Dingo
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    CLASSIFIEDS: Wntd. Unattached F for date to wedding. Must be semi-pretty. High school clssmts will be in party. Must show moved on. If successful, will shower you in cream. Call ‘STACHE at (202) 393-2100.

  386. TurtleBoy
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    #384 Howard Erk: hey, though I said what I said, I’ve gotta say too that I’ve got nothing but the deepest respect for Darby Conley and Trudeau and Watterson and the handful of others who are able to turn out years of quality product. It’s a hard [Margo]in’ job, as any reader of Josh’s site can attest to instantly.

    Just sayin’, is all.

    For the record, I’ve also come out on this site on the side of Al Scaduto; I think the guy’s got a lot of class that’s often overlooked.

  387. Spoony Bard
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    So I was out of town for several days scouting for apartments and meeting the faculty at my new Grad School and didn’t have time to read the comics. As of this morning I had not read a single strip in 5 days, and I decided I wouldn’t read any back-strips. I would just read what the Chron(ic) posted for today and create my own backstories to fill in the gaps and create hilarious snark for all to enjoy. That was the plan. That plan failed. I am honestly not lost in the least.

    FOOB – Still the Batan Death March of the comics page.
    JP – Yep, still rollin’ with Cedric.
    RM – Dammit, why did I even assume there would be advancement.
    MT – The hell? Weren’t these two talking about airports before I left?
    MW – Well, Von’s her brother. Hm. Didn’t take too long to get that info out here. Half credit.

    Nothing has changed, nothing! I’m not lost and I’m not confused. I mean, I’m confused by Gil Thorp, but that could be for any number of reasons unrelated to chronology. As an aside, someone doesn’t like Clambake? How can you not like Clambake?!? You best get with CB (Clambizzle?).

    I would, however, like to draw attention to A3G. Seems that Luann is still alive and not a bloating, undiscovered corpse. The reference to “the final hour” leads me to believe that she doesn’t have long. Given that she has one hour left this means that Margo has about a month and a half to get there and save Luann; she will not. If this strip were written by the Gil Thorp people Luann would’ve died before finishing the thought that produced that sentence.

    With that, I’m back.

  388. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    Foob: I was thinking on yesterday’s (5/1) strip. Warren is dismissed as “just a friend”, but he was Liz’s date at Michael’s self-indulgent Love-Me-Fest, she did say she would date Warren again, and she did expect Warren to take her out, except work got in the way (damn that man for placing his only source of income above Liz’s subdued, ambiguous, lackluster signals of reciprocal affection! Don’t men get it? It’s all about mmeeeeee!).

    About Blandthony, on the other hand, Liz said that it was “time to find out”. Find out what? Find out if he’s just a friend, too? Haven’t you said that Blandthony is “just a friend” about a thousand times to parents, friends, siblings? Now you want to know if you’ve been lying all this time? Hasn’t there been scores of opportunities to “find out” before? Including but not limited to when you actually dated him?

    When evil people die, and they don’t believe in hell, they get sent to the vacous morass of Liz’s brain, where the terrain is eternally changing, but never for the better.

  389. Brendan
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    FBoFW: Anyone want to make a bet on Anthony’s date?

    I’m going to say “Dennis.”

  390. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    MW: Oh yes, after weeks and weeks of this vague rage, Vera finally cracks and spills the beans to Mary – and adds a thought balloon, as is her nature. Mary wrestles with the consequences of getting involved in a bitter family dispute.

    “Should I? Shouldn’t I?” Mary thinks. “She’s coming to me for advice… but it’s such a thorny issue…. Ha ha! Of course I’ll meddle!” she quickly concludes. “It’s what I do!”

  391. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    #385 – Dingo – you forgot to add “willing to pay top dollar!”

  392. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    A3G: In a surprising twist of events, Luann will open a window, stop hallucinating on paint fumes, and thusly prove that she didn’t need to be saved after all, and also prove an Occam’s Razor corollary that in A3G the lamest plot scenario is the most likely.

  393. holli
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    And NOW mustache-freak can’t go as her ‘escort’, and Lizard will see that she wanted him all along and she’ll have to ‘chase’ him (the quote marks really saying that is sucks).
    MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT -margo- STOP!!!!

  394. Sheilagh
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Hogen Mogen, that still didn’t help. Yes, I’m familiar with the GF brand of humor. But I still don’t get this particular strip! I don’t understand why the hard-hat cat is given pause by Satchel’s remark. I don’t understand why he then says to Bucky “Oh no you di-n’t.” (Yes, I get the part about ragging on di-n’t — but di-n’t WHAT?) Sorry to be thick, but I just don’t get it. Please, someone, explain! Words of one syllable will be fine.

  395. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    #373: The bill – for the doc to reinsert my spleen into my body, which I vomited out upon reading that excerpt from Michael’s letter – is forthcoming.

    Also: one of his characters transports guano? Sometimes I think LJ is completely in on the joke, just seeing how shamelessly treacle-laden and gawdawful she can make the strip while her desperate fans continue to slurp it up.

  396. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    #383 – Turtle – I haven’t read GF for very long, maybe a year or two. Thus, I’m not in that “not-as-good-as-they-used-to-be” component. I’m in the fan base that the not-as-good-as-they-used-to-be group looks at and says “If people like that like it, then they must have sold out to the uneducated masses.”

  397. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    I previously questioned if the JP car was black, or, as depicted today, red. Turns out it was red the whole time, but it seems to have gained a trunk that didn’t exist before, when it was the world’s only Mercedes hatchback.

    Today the problem has been rectified.

  398. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    But Cedric’s tie has changed from black to red.

  399. Justafoob
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    If FBOFW were the real world, and I use that term loosely, Granthony would have found another woman by now.

    Therese dumped him like a ton of bricks and Liz was such a cock tease that he would give up on her.

    He found an overweight, 50 yo, divorcee’ (Lovey Saltzman perhaps,hmmmmmm) to fill in the void.

    He pounds her every night but fantasizes that it is Liz he is in but knows that will never cum to pass.

  400. Mumbles
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    #389: I’m in. How about the sweet blossom who may be recently widowed from a vicious cigar fire, Mrs. Kelporth? “Bang bang bang” indeed. She strikes me as a broad who will smoke Parliaments all day at the table and call Anthony “Lover” just like in the old film noirs.

    Eva? Sure she’s supposed to be underage but in every strip she seems to be drawn like Cicely Tyson in her Miles Davis days.

  401. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    There! I wasn’t dreaming. The car really was black. Whew. Now I can sleep at night.

  402. willethompson
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    #398 Hogen Mogen – Actually, Cedric was driving the rare Mercedes/Citroen prototype and swapped it back for the CLK550 for the trip down the Autobahn or wherever he is, because he’s not driving in Paris (see #342).

  403. Perky Bird
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    FOOB–Maybe Lynn is about to do a crossover strip. Anthony’s wedding date will actually be good ol’ “Clambake”, who he met one lonely night at The Bucket, and with whom he shared a malt, a cheesburger, and many long, slow forkballs and split-fingers.

  404. gh
    May 2nd, 2007 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Back at “work” after a day and a half at home. What’d I miss? Oh. 400 comments. Actually I tried to post yesterday, but the spam filter got my comment, so I just rode the crest of this ever-climbing wave of snark.

    O’Fogeyette — Look at Google! The very definition of sleek. This is why it’s important to read all those comments even when faced with a 300+ backlog. To think I might have missed that.

    willethompson — Yeah, how do you do that? It’s like you’ve got a folder full of songs just ready to go!

    Everyone else — Absolutely brilliant.

    And with that, a new thread.

  405. Superfecta
    May 2nd, 2007 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    #346 – So I’m not crazy and Warren was indeed briefly black and is not now? That’s certainly how it seemed to me. Having been prompted by the comments here to read the monthly letters, can we hope that Michael is secretly Anthony’s date (being that he’s writing that homoerotic novel about sailors)?

    Shawna-marie, like Warren, is an Afro-Canadian who has inexplicably “lightened up.” Michael Jackson is funding a study of the phenomenon.

  406. commodorejohn
    May 2nd, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    #373 – I think it’s terribly appropriate that the freighter carried bat shit.

    God, the more I read the excerpts of the letters that people post here, the more I realize that FOOB could not exist without the intervention of some evil supernatural entity.

  407. Hogen Mogen
    May 2nd, 2007 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    #335 – Oh, I love a chick in a tight fitting shirt that says “I’m adventurous”. Aside from that, the joke sucks. Sluggo is way too young for her and drawn in a different style. Aside from the age and artistic incompatability, “Yes, Ma’am, I’d like to read up on the history of those non-friction brakes, please.”

  408. Jeff
    May 2nd, 2007 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Am I the only one who can see what LJ has in store for us with the upcoming wedding? It doesn’t matter who Anthony brings, because Liz will be there with Warrren, who will be revealed as some kind of man-whore, leaving Anthony there to pick up the pieces just as Liz catches the bouquet.

    Jeez, people…

  409. mav
    May 2nd, 2007 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    I think the idea in GF is that Satchel was impugning the credentials of “Stank Lloyd Wrong”, the Ar-Cat-ect. Like most of Bucky’s friends, he has delusions of grandeur, as the previous day’s strip indicates. So dismissing his work as “it’s not the Petronas Towers”, while obviously true, would still be taken as an insult. Particularly as this character is obviously a feline caricature of Frank Lloyd Wright, whose ego knew no bounds.

    And while I am not a long-time reader of the strip, I like Satchel’s occasional moments of insight. I can’t say whether they’re true to the character as historically written, but the idiot savant is a tried and true comic character. The incongruous nature of such comments is part of the humor. Consider Satchel the Cliff Clavin of the comic pages.

  410. whoamItoday?
    May 2nd, 2007 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    re: multi-pastel bridesmaids my mom had her red-haired sister, her italian best friend, and a blond girl. I was horrified when I was in high school and my mom honestly could not recall the blond girls name. looked through her yearbook to figure it out, finally decided maybe she was just the girlfriend of one of my dad’s 3 groomsmen. I know, usually you have to find enough groomsmen to complement all of the many, important, special, sisters, girl cousins and best friends of the bride, but in this case, my dad had his brother and two cousins and the 4 of them were too close to leave out of each others weddings. anyway, mom had them in the same dress, but in the pastel best suited to each girls coloring.

    I’ve been married twice, with nary a bridesmaid in sight. For my first, my bridesmaid was a Filopino immigrant, and she called me the day before to say what with the current political upheaval and that her dad had gone to college with Ferdinand, the CIA was demanding her entire family appear at the nearest immigration office pronto, so she couldn’t make it to my wedding. Second time around, our families were just too scattered and broke and we couldn’t manage to find a time when everyone could afford the airfare and be able to get the time off work / school. My two best girlfriends were too different, one was a crunchy-granola hippie chicke and the other a serious southern belle preppie. I had planned on going the same color, dress of your preference route because there was no way anything else would have worked. but in the end, hubby and I went to the JOP and have lived quite happily ever after.

    I hope my girls just elope.

  411. whoamItoday?
    May 2nd, 2007 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    oh, and rats, NOW a new thread starts…

  412. ChefMike
    May 2nd, 2007 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Since Michael is so keen on “becoming” his characters, and the novel could easily take the rest of the year to be written, maybe when the regular Foob storyline quits and the hybrid takes over Michael can remain frozen in his novel, forever trapped in the 19th century (we can only hope)
    TDIET: I’ve never worked as a salaried employee for anything, so I an only speak as an hourly wage drone; but when you’re sick, isn’t it your responsibility (no matter how much money you make) to call whoever’s responsible for you being in your place doing whatever work you do and informing them you’re not well? (even if you’re just skipping out on work) In most places I’ve worked if you pulled off a no-call-no-show you wouldn’t likely have a job the next day.
    Marvin: I often wonder why this comic still exists (though the same could be said for many other comics) but really what do you do with a character that remains frozen in toddler stage when all the obvious baby jokes have long since dried up? put him in adult situations, of course. Marvin has a girlfriend, and instead of a high school ring or engagement ring, he’s exchanged TEETHING rings, ooh that’s comedy gold, I tellya.

  413. Mr. Soy Boy
    May 2nd, 2007 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    The approach of the Foobacolypse was as funny as it was ineluctable. Resistance to the gravitational pull of the ‘stache is futile. The end times are indeed near.

    At least Billy is a bit jejeune about it

  414. Albtraum
    May 2nd, 2007 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    This was the one time when the abbreviation “an’” would have been perfect in For Better… for once, a place where a human being might say “an’”… and they didn’t use it.

    Instead she says “HE AND I AND SHAWNA-MARIE”.

    Sigh. I give up.

  415. Portia
    May 3rd, 2007 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    Judge Parker:

    I am currently in France. The cars portrayed in this strip are twice as wide and three times as long as real French cars.

  416. Phil
    May 4th, 2007 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    Dammit, “buttle” is NOT a word! You made me look, though.

  417. Poteet
    May 4th, 2007 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    # 416 — Phil, I googled “buttle definition” and found a site that said “buttle” means “to serve as a butler.” Was someone just funnin’ me?

  418. JNoble
    May 6th, 2007 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    MT: Ahhh, Rusty. Rusty, Rusty, Rusty. All that youthful energy and intrigue into the wild crazy world that is Mark Trail will be for naught after you get viciously eaten by a crazed bear.

    Archie: Is it me, or does the way his hair is drawn look more like the tread mark of a tire?

    Marvin: Somewhere Chris Hanson from Dateline has to make an appearance: “And how old did Sienna say she was?…”
    Seriously, this strip has NEVER been funny. Our local paper dropped it a little while back and I didn’t even notice until recently.

  419. Agro
    May 6th, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Who could possibly have a problem with a kid as cute as lil’ Earnest Borgnine?

  420. Applied Behavior Dog Handbook Training
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