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Josh puts the “long” in “long-winded”

Shoe, 9/21/11

Here’s the thing about jokes of the form “you put the X in Y,” where X represents one or more syllables in Y: the humor only works if the X makes up a part of Y even though the two words are not related semantically. For instance, if your significant other had travelled into orbit as part of the U.S. space program, it would be funny if, after admiring their attractive backside, you said, “Baby, you put the ‘ass’ in ‘astronaut.’” However, if you were dating an Olympic champion, you shouldn’t say, “Baby, you put the ‘win’ in ‘winner,’” as that would sound very, very stupid. “Crank,” in the sense of an eccentric, obsessive person, is actually derived from “cranky,” so the level of wordplay here is pretty disappointing to say the least.

(OK, I admit that I launched into that etymological and linguistic lecture entirely because I’m particularly proud of the “you put the ‘ass’ in ‘astronaut’” joke I thought up.)

Anyway, I do enjoy the cranky old Biz character in Shoe despite the fact that he’s being linguistically ill-used here. I particularly like the fact that he’s angrily berating Roz for always serving him tasteless tasteless food, and yet he nevertheless comes to Roz’s to eat all the time. Isn’t there some other bird-restaurant where the bird-people of Shoe eat? I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of snooty place where they serve fancy bird-French food. Maybe Biz can’t afford it, on his bird-Social Security.

Spider-Man, 9/21/11

So, just to keep you up to date, Peter Parker is insisting that, because a bunch of sick kids are expecting Spider-Man to visit them at the hospital, he must go to the hospital, even though the police are after him and also know that he’s planning to visit the hospital. Because if there’s one thing those sick kids want to see, it’s their hero getting arrested.

Apartment 3-G, 9/21/11

Ruby has heard you complaining about how her hair is dumb, and has responded by dying it Manic Panic red! That … that’s what you wanted, right?

288 responses to “Josh puts the “long” in “long-winded””

  1. nescio
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Shoe: This puts the “sucks” in “This Shoe comic sucks.”

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    Carry On Doctors:

    Blondie — Special guest appearance by Neil Patrick Harris as “Doogie Howser, M.D.”

    Marmaduke — Phil Hitler tries to ignore the penile implant his hellhound received from Dr. Nick Riviera.

    Beetle Bailey — After being mauled by Sarge’s dog, Gizmo gets a full face transplant… courtesy of Drs. Howard, Fine and Howard.

    Dick Tracy — Fortunately, a 133-year-old Chief Brandon will make a full recovery with the help of his primary physician… Dr. Marcus Welby.

    To Be Continued…

  3. gleeb
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Baldo: Papi knows that college tuition for his little know-it-all will cripple him financially.

    ‘shaft: Yes, even as a disembodied spirit, you’ll still suffer from dementia. Batiuk is such a whimsical writer.

    Gas: Maybe someone stole the washer/dryer and we can go through that again.

    Fuzzy: You know what would be funny irritating? Making a series of fish-based puns, day after day, for over a week.

    Grand Avenue: A principled call for more involuntary euthanasia.

    Screw the Poor! Comix: The generous financial assistance of Abbey and Sam is available only to those who don’t need it.

  4. Écureuil Écumant
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    MW: I hope that’s a Triffid coming to strangle Gina in panel 2. That’s the only ray of hope left in this plot. She’s even worn Mary out.

  5. Écureuil Écumant
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    Judge Bunco: May I be vindicated in my belief that Sam’s about to be played by a playa, and that the “Motor Molasses” will heat up and thin out about ten miles down the road, and the rods’ll start knocking.

  6. Sock
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    The other problem with the “joke” is structural.

    If the first part emphasizes the first syllable, then the response should be on the first not the last syllable.

    ba da boom

    Thank you. I will be here all week. Ask your waiters about the surf-n-turf specials.

  7. nescio
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    Today’s B.C. opens up a can of mysteries that I will be thinking about all day. First, the revelation that the characters are 50. I’m guessing Cute Chick was sterile and no one wanted to mate with Fat Broad, so that’s why there are no children. We are viewing a prehistoric community in its dying stages. Second, I’m trying to figure what they were eating. They eat the dinosaurs? (I don’t know how palatable dinosaurs are compared to turtles, apteryxes, eatanters, etc. The turkey only shows up in November.) Third, what exactly is the “playing”? Are they separately play acting, or is it some kind of organized game? Fourth, I’ve never seen anyone’s knee almost touch the ground when they’re running. Fifth, I’m going to stop now because I can do this all day.

  8. Terry in Maryland
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    MW: Just for variety’s sake, Bobby should turn out to be a womanizing jerk who barely remembers her, leaving Mary to deal with the results of an unsuccessful meddle.

    MT: Mark Trail. Least responsible pet owner EVER. As for the Mountie and his crazy mother, we’re moving into Children of the Corn territory here.

    Phantom: Yeah, yeah, the big hero wrestler is the police chief. So, is Stripey going to help him to break up crime within the wrestling world? Or perhaps are they going out crime fighting together, both wearing their spandex. The drama will be whether Stripey rats the Chief’s secret identity out to his son.

    Doonesbury: So, Doonesbury spends last week dribbling out unsourced or semi-sourced gossip about Sarah Palin, helping Joe McGinnis to actually generate sympathy for a truly reprehensible woman. This week, he seems to be highlighting McGinnis’ own behavior in screwing over the authors’ of a competiting book about Palin (one that was actually well referenced and not second or third hand gossip). Gary Trudeau seems to want it both ways. Help McGinnis out, then in the next strip try to obscurely skewer him.

  9. Mark B
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    The joke’s on Sam, as uncle Barney has already signed over the bus to his creditors. While u.B. is heading to the border with his cash, Repo Man is going to be taking the Road Queen for a ride. [insert Black Flag guitar riff here]

  10. Effluvius Erratus
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    There’s something so delightfully existentialist about Peter’s spider-sense going off as he ponders quitting his spider-gig, as if it’s warning him that the price of freedom includes the consequences of one’s decisions.

  11. Anonymous
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Look at how much overacting Peter is doing.

    “Yes, honey. I may have to…*sniff* hang *sniff* up my webs for good!”

    Peter’s been waiting for the right time, the right opportunity, to retire so that he can spend more time watching TV. He just has to make Mary Jane buy it. Ironically, if he puts more effort into this one thing than he has into the rest of his life, he’ll barely ever have to move a muscle again.

  12. ZananIV
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#11): Don’t make yourself anonymous next time. Love, your future self.

  13. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    on the webcomic front, Mermaid on the Hudson goes all Pibgorny today.

    Frazz: deep, man.

    GF: I laughed. I tried not to, but I LOL’d. (literally, so please don’t hit me, Rat.)

    SB: o good, Rat will be busy here instead.

    Lio: says something about the banality of evil in today’s society. or just goes for a cheap joke.

    Zits: lovely panel 1. You can’t really use a calculator for calculus, iirc.

    MT: if the frog is the size of the cabin, that fish must be a Musketherium.

    SF: and you thought A3G was awkward!

  14. He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Once again, Peter’s Spidey-Sense detects the potential end of his career, but not bricks or pipes. I’m thinking these lines represent less “Spider-Sense” and more “his desire to have one less reason to leave the couch”.

  15. sully
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    The lump may “hang up his webs for good”? Please, god, let it be so!

  16. UncleJeff
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Terry @ 8: “Gary Trudeau seems to want it both ways. Help McGinnis out, then in the next strip try to obscurely skewer him.”

    Isn’t that what we used to call “fair and balanced”?

  17. Chareth Cutestory
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: He may have to hang up the webs for good, but I have a feeling he’ll still find a way to cause himself frequent blunt force trauma to the head.

  18. yellojkt
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    My son’s favorite shirt is “I put the ‘laughter’ in ‘slaughter’.” I hope it’s not his Columbine tribute.

  19. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Archie: All the freshmen, in unison, all in the same Tex Avery cartoon character’s voice: “Wull… I’ve been sick!”

    JP: Lowballing a desperate small businessman. Is it any wonder I love you Drivers!

    6C: It must be around 1997!

  20. bats :[
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    @Terry in Maryland (#8): Mark is a great pet owner…just some things test his limits.

  21. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . when he’s good with his tool.

  22. Squeak
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    I’m with you, sick kids! I want to see Spiderman arrested, too.

  23. Christopher
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    “Baby, you put the ‘ass’ in ‘astronaut” is very funny, but it raises the question: should proctologists actually be called “astronauts”, and, if so, would hemorrhoids then be “asteroids”?

  24. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Juggs Parker: Looks like Sam, when faced with the choice to be fair to a man in dire financial straights or to take advantage of him, chooses the latter. Even though this is just mad money he’s spending because “we’re already rich!” Next week, we’ll see Sophie flirt with a boy by writing down her monetary offer on a piece of paper and handing it to him.

    MT: “He’ll be back soon, that is if he’s not eaten by the fucking enormous fish outside. Say, how did you manage to evade Fishenstein on your way here, anyway?”

    SF: I admit, I’m going to be peeved if Sally is written as being happy or accepting of this relationship. While Ralph was played for humor, he was always 100% sociopath. No decent person would be happy that her little sister, screwed up as she is, was marrying a man who has probably buried a couple of people in shallow graves over the years.

  25. seismic-2
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#13): (Zits) Actually, as I understand it, most high schools today in fact require their calculus students to own and use graphing calculators. Of course, being a Plugger, when I studied calculus we all still brought our slide rules to class, but nowdays the kids use these machines that draw vectors and curves, just so that they can figure out the optimal routes to use to cut across your lawn on their way to school, damn them.

  26. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    Crank: The simple act of reading this comic made me lose my mind a long time ago!

  27. Scott Bot
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MW – Oh, please, please, please let Bobby’s first words to Gina be ‘Who are you again?’

  28. Maggie the Cat
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Who’s the kooky old bag down the hall from 3G? She looks like she wandered off the set of The Match Game.

  29. Dennis Jimenez
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Shoe – OK, two words – Dictation & Country.

    S-M – So, there’s a lot to ponder today, but I’m putting my noggin to trying to figure out what these pictures are in the background of frame one – I’m going with The Last Supper after the third jug of wine for the first one and the Day After They Drove the Golden Spike at Promitory Point, when nobody really gave a hoot about it anymore, for the second.

    A3G – So Minnie Pearl is actually a full sized Ruby – Sugar is Shinola and engaged means undertaking a level of social intercourse – see, I’m starting to figure out the nuances of this strip….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  30. Not Just Any Dipstick
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    MT: That ‘frog’ looks very much like a body, wearing a hat. Making that fish bigger than most orca’s. Way bigger.

    MW: When did that diner get to be 20 feet from booth to counter? Why do we need to see the back side of some random dude who’s feet don’t reach the floor?

  31. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#2): Carry On Doctors, Part Deux:

    Monty — Dr. Montahue is the worst kind of A/V nerd… an “alien vivisectionist”!

    Momma/Scary Gary — Marylou has no neck and Travis has no body… where’s Dr. Frankenstein when you need him?

  32. Little Guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    Josh, Spidey: Good snark, Josh. Wish I though of tha — heyyyyy, now……:

  33. Ryu Serpentine
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    Love is… getting drilled

    ok not that good, but so obvious

  34. Lorne
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    So Spider-Man has fully bought into the Mexican Soap Opera school of dramatics.

  35. Rixter
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    MW: Who was ever so boring as Gina? Even Mary is at a low-meddle point – just sipping her coffee and muttering the Worth-equivalent of “whatever.” She won’t even spin out one of her platitudes.

    And it’s Wednesday, isn’t it? Monday Gina announced that Bobby would be in Santa Royale in two days, and by my reckoning that would be today – Wednesday! Wouldn’t Bobby and his teammates have been busting up tables in bars and whoring around Santa Royale Tuesday night? So what day is it in Worthworld?

    I’m not sure even soccer is the appropriately slow-paced sport for this interminable storyline – what sport drags on for days and days without a score?

    MT: This storyline is greatly improved whenever the dogs take center stage. Of course, Princess will have the answer to McQueen’s dilemma. I wait in eager anticipation of tomorrow’s update.

    And I’m glad to see McQueen is wearing proper trousers. (And speaking of fashion accessories, I wonder if McQueen is wearing a “bird band” somewhere on his person. Nah, probably not standard-issue.)

    A3G: Well, now her hair is “ruby” today. But the white bows are a bad accessory. And why doesn’t Margo ever dye her hair?

  36. Chyron HR
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    A3G – “I’m happy… and engaged. Those little pills Dr. P gave me sure did the trick!”

  37. nescio
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:37 am [Reply]

    @Christopher (#23): Proctologists should be called Astrologists, especially when taking care of gullible assh*les.

  38. Écureuil Écumant
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Poses the alluring possibility that it will reprise MT, with the wrong line cast off and Rex tearing the transom out of his new playtoy.

  39. TheDiva
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    SM: AGAIN? Sheesh, Peter’s threatened to retire more times than Brett Farve and Barbra Streisand put together.

    9CL: …Get help, Brooke. I mean it.

    C’shaft: Heh-heh, nothing like a good Alzheimer’s joke!

    FW: Welcome to the Funkyverse, where you can’t even cheat your way to success.

    Luann: Perhaps what’s more annoying than Rosa’s rigidly traditional “the boy needs to ask the girl out and never the other way around” stance is that she’s passively-aggressively manipulating Gunther into doing what she wants. Not that Gunther doesn’t need all the manipulating he can find to get to this point, but still, ask him out yourself if you’re interested instead of playing games. God, I want to smack everyone in this strip so much.

    MT: Does anyone else see a giant fish about to swallow the drowned body of Maddie from Funky Winkerbean in panel three? Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking…

    Marvin: Ha-ha, nothing like a good delayed child development joke!

    MW: I hope so, Gina, because what Bobby’s “doing” right now are a few lines of coke with the call girl he just picked up.

  40. S. Stout
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Peter’s spider-sense is going off sensing all the readers jumping with joy simultaneously.

    A3G:I like how “happy” and “engaged” have been presented as mutually exclusive events.

    Luann: Dolphin’s Tale? Really? I didn’t know Rosa was 7.

  41. Illustrator Steve
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    MT: “Forget about looking for that mangy mutt of mine, Johnny. Just LOOK out the window at that GIGANTIC fish out there in the blue lagoon chasing that funny looking frog, whoops, sorry Johnny.

    Why, that huge old fish must be as big as a whale!

    GET THE FISHIN’ POLES JOHNNY! We got some more fishin’ to do. Yep, we’re gonna catch us some good eatin’ fer supper.
    Why, that big fish could be big enough to feed this entire small quiet valley for a month! Then I”LL be the one who is very popular with the community rather than that know-it-all Sgt. McQueen with his fancy parade uniform he even wears when he takes out the trash!”

  42. Dobie
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    You put the “mudge” in “Comics Curmudgeon”.

  43. Cloudbuster
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#y85): “Childhood cancer is bad.”

    Do not be surprised if, one day, you see that student running for President.

  44. Dood
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: All too easy.

  45. Dood
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Holy crap, did that guy pick a bad time to go scuba diving or what?

  46. Weaselboy
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    My favorite “you put the X in Y” joke is from The Simpsons: “Springfield Christian School – We put the fun in fundamentalist dogma.”

  47. UncleJeff
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    That’s not a “kooky old bag”….that’s Mother Nature from the old margarinie commercials (“It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!”)

  48. Esther Blodgett
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#40): Hey, now. I plan on seeing Dolphin’s Tale. Us old folks can’t get enough of Morgan Freeman’s freckles.

  49. UncleJeff
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    MT: Mark has already caught and mounted that monster muskie’s brother.
    He’s up at the Freshwater Fishing Museum in Hayward, Wisconsin.
    In fact, he IS the Freshwater Fishing Museum in Hayward, Wisconsin.
    (wishing I knew how to put up a photo as an attachment)

  50. LUJBEM FEJF
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    Spidey- I remember cutting up a fresh jalapeno once and then thoughtlessly rubbing my eye. My face felt the same way as Peter’s. Ouch. But I was cooking for the kids, so it was all worth it.

  51. Dood
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#49): Isn’t Hayward also famous for the lumberjack festival? “Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sport…”

  52. Esther Blodgett
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    MT: Ooooooh, barracuda.

    S-M: Pete, the kids called. They say they’re good. Feel free to stay away from the hospital at this or any other time.

    HotC: I hadn’t heard about the Jawas blinking, but yeah, that’s just wrong.

    S4th: Minor quibble. I specifically looked at Jackie’s left hand yesterday because I thought this might be coming. She wasn’t wearing a ring. I don’t get to call shenanigans on Ces very often, so naturally I feel all Comic Book Guy-smug over this catch.

  53. Eric W
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Maybe it’s because I’m happy…and engaged. Oh my, the toxic cloud of ennui I’m emitting seems to have interacted with your hair dye…were you going for “oxygen-depleted blood”?

  54. Scott Bot
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    S-M – ‘I have to go to the hospital! Those kids need me! The hospital supplied a recliner and HD TV and everything, so I can visit the kids and watch my stories at the same time.’

    @Esther Blodgett (#52): If you get that Heart song going through my head, I swear…

  55. Alex Blaze
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    I love how Biz and Roz are just scowling at each other as they trade insults. Presumably this started before the first panel and will end after the second, because you don’t go to Roz’s diner for the food, you go to bask in the owner’s confused rage that you still eat her food.

    Roz’s Diner, putting the “rant” in “restaurant” since 1941. (That’s better than the other one I thought of: Roz puts the “easy” in “greasy spoon.”)

  56. pugfuggly
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    A SM: Hmmm….another interesting insight into the mechanics of the ‘Spidey Sense’. While half the time it can’t be bothered to notify our hero of a pipe-wielding villain behind him, it can recognize a profoundly stupid stupid idea like this one. I’m starting to think that ‘Spidey Sense’ is nothing more than ‘Common Sense’, except that Peter’s brain is too lazy to explain itself in complete thoughts, and simply tingles slightly when it notices something that might interrupt its usual supply of daytime TV and Cheetos.

    A3G Hands off, Ruby: she’s engaged now…..

  57. Jeroen Krabbe
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    MW – Just give it up Gina. Bobby is gay and Mary needs a sedative to escape your whiny drivel.

    APT3G – What’s with Ruby’s hair ? and Do wee really give a crap that Luann had deluded herself into being happy when she was given a shotgun proposal.

    Judge Parker – Would be nice to see the RV park blow up.

    RMMD – He should have looped the rope around her neck and pulled .

    MT – Last time I’m going to bother with this boring ass strip. Yank it already and advise the cartoonist that he indeed does need to quit his day job of writing crap for comics.
    .
    Luann – ZZZ. Same ol crap different day – Gunther and his whiny ass drivel ,Knute’s surfer dude demeanor and lame ass comments ,lather rinse repeat. Get back to Tiffany hopefully getting dropped on her ass when she finds out that she has been cast as slave bitch #2.

  58. Lenoxus
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    Re: Josh on Shoe. OMG, I’ve always had precisely that peeve, and not just with these but all varieties of wordplay.

    At the very least, the etymological connection between the played-upon words shouldn’t be staring you in the face. For example, few people know that every single meaning of the word “check” comes from the use the the term in chess, so it’s probably acceptable to make a pun about how a chess king buried in shredded-up cheques (I’m not British but that spelling helps disambiguate) would be “in check”.

    But so many fail that rule. When I was a kid, I once read a jokebook with the following attempted pun: “What do computer couples argue about? Who has to take out the trash.” Come on! Real-world trash is exactly why it’s called that in computerland! You may as well substitute, say, “Scottish couples” and “Scottish trash” or what have you (although that might have more people scratching heir heads, since “Scottish trash” isn’t exactly a phrase.)

  59. Scott Bot
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Alex Blaze (#55): How about ‘Roz puts the “poon” in “greasy spoon?”‘

  60. Gene S.
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Shoe – I think you misunderstood Josh,

    Crank = His feathered penis
    Cranky = Her avian vagina

    You’re welcome.

  61. David Ellis Dickerson
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    Biz: “…and you put the ‘whiz’ in ‘cuisine’–not that you’re an exceptionally skilled wizard at food preparation, but in the sense of pee.”

  62. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    ponylol that is NSFBG.

    this one is fontastic.

    if BrookeMacE drew BC, it might look something like this.

    ikkle tiger haz a fierce! (and a kewt).

    and here you thought that the other Pippa was a cutie! (The Daily Puppy)

    corgsqui brainmush.

  63. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    …put the “ass” in “astronaut.”
    Now you did it, Josh. Batiuk will read this and use it in his strip only it will be Les glancing at the fanny of a sexy cancer victim saying, “You sure put the ‘can’ in ‘cancer!’”

  64. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    Q: What did the animal rights activist say to the hunter who kills critters to make luxury coats?

    A: “You put the ‘fur’ in ‘furshlugginer’!”

  65. Mr. Magoo
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    S-M: What kind of hospital invites a wanted criminal to visit sick children?

  66. Écureuil Écumant
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#52) on SF: “I specifically looked at Jackie’s left hand yesterday because I thought this might be coming. She wasn’t wearing a ring.”

    Those cigar bands do tend to fall right off feminine fingers.

  67. Écureuil Écumant
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Magoo (#65): Spidey, sure. But they might not turn down DB Cooper if he just dropped in.

  68. Mary Worthless
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:50 am [Reply]

    I cannot wait for the match between the New York Blazes and the Santa Royale Clauses to end.

    Bobby is going to be surrounded by gorgeous female fans wanting his attention, having their programs and breasts signed, telling him where they can hook up sonthey can blow him. . .

    Then he will look, see the frump from the diner, run over, and sweep her off her feet.

    Mary will love her roll being the GILF (Grandma I . . .)

  69. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#66): I wonder how many of those cigar bands have fallen off of Ted’s fingers?

  70. twg
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Ugh, they’re called LINES when you’re on a boat. And yes, you do throw lines at whoever is on the dock, and it takes some skill to both throw and catch them well, so suck it tiny weird person.

    MW: Okay, let me get this straight.

    Fact: The mob is after Gina’s family.
    Fact: Bobby Black is now “famous,” and one of New York’s most eligible bachelors.

    Theory: There are some members of the mafia who might be inclined to watch some soccer and/or follow the lives of the local players. So if Gina meets cute with Bobby as will no doubt be the idiotic wrap-up of this plotline three months down the road, will she then go back with him to New York and make it into the news as well? If this happens, will someone in the mob not recognize her in the society pages and put a hit out on her? Is Mary TRYING to get Gina killed? If so, I suddenly like Mary A LOT more.

  71. wossname
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    MT – What does it matter, really, whether Andy comes home, considering that in just seconds, the giant muskelunge is going to swallow the cabin along with the giant frog?

    Mutts – Awwwwww! That’s as sweet as queek’s puppy pictures!

    GT – Now, I am no football expert, and reading GT is certainly not turning me into one, but in panel 2, did Marty not tell us they we going for a field goal? Why, then, in panel 3 is Wildcat McBossyman complaining that they’re going to pass?

    @Poteet (#Y310): Re Paul’s inevitable death: I love @zerowolf (#Y313)’s idea of squished by a falling piano, but I think since we’ve been shown at great length what a family-oriented family the Linskis are, it will have to be family-related. Crushed in a family phone booth-stuffing contest? Kicked in the head during the potato sack race at the picnic? Poisoned by Aunt Gert’s deviled eggs? Caught in the crossfire when Mom and Dad decide to shoot it out?

  72. Écureuil Écumant
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#69): Cigar bands? Oh, I rather suspect Ted still “rolls his own”.

  73. Ingeld
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    Will somebody just think of the children!

    Sadly, children or young adults for that matter don’t read newspapers or comic strips.

  74. twg
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Gene S. (#60): Actually most songbirds reproduce by means of the cloacal kiss, where they touch their everything holes together. If you’re horrified by this concept now, imagine how I felt when I learned this in Bio class at 14.

  75. A Woman of a Certain Age
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    @Christopher (#23): @nescio (#37): I believe that proctologists are generallly known in the trade as “rear admirals.”

  76. Scott Bot
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @twg (#70): I need to find a way to slip the phrase ‘suck it, tiny weird person’ into my daily conversations.

  77. Tom the Sailor Man
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    But the question remains – Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?

  78. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @A Woman of a Certain Age (#75): Except in the Navy where there are real real admirals. In the Navy they’re called “head doctors.”

  79. seismic-2
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#52): I too was looking for Jackie’s ring, after last week’s “Preview”. However, the way I figure it, Jackie was taking the opposite approach from Lu Ann in A3G, who has been using her sparkler to announce her engagement just as soon as she walks into the room. Jackie probably had the ring in her pocket, and then after the “hellos” she put it onto her finger when Ralph announced that they had big news. Jackie knew that if she been wearing the ring when she walked in, then before she and Ralph could break the news, Ted would immediately spot the ring and start asking about it, such as whether it can decode messages, or whether a “Flash” uniform pops out of it, or whether she has the Green Lantern battery back in the car, etc.

  80. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    @Tom the Sailor Man (#77): Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?

  81. Arabella
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Drat! They remembered the life jackets.

    Pluggers: apparently missed the story on the evening news about the “Grandparents scam.”

  82. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    True Fable put the goat in the goat-de-boat de-boat.

    just sayin’.

  83. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#82):
    And you put the squee in the cute da cute de cute

  84. Arabella
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    FW: Forgive me, but today’s strip did bring a slight smile. There was almost a joke there. And has anyone else noticed the ghost of Michael Jackson in panel 2?

  85. Red Greenback
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    And you put the “HO” in “SHOE”.
    ….All seriousness aside, this headline topic puts me in mind of an old Steve Martin? -(I think it was Steve Martin-acting all sanctimonious) – bit about Hugh Hefner that went something more or less like: “His good friends call him ‘Hef’, but I, being one of his closest friends, am allowed to call him ‘Ner’.”

  86. Chip Whittle
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Great, Batiuk’s found a way to put senile dementia into overtime. Plus he’s drawing Alzheimer-ridden ghosts tormenting the living.

    Dennis the Menace: “We’re playing Tag, Dennis…not tackle! So stop sitting against the tree where you couldn’t tag or tickle someone if they tripped over your shoes for whatever caption this artwork originally ran with! ”

    Edge City: Having failed to starve Len and Abby, the restaurant turns to poison, and still can’t get it right. It must be run by Len and Abby.

    Funky Winkerbean: A-ha! And by catching Pre-Death Female Unit #2 turning in one of his old papers, Les Moore will be able to realize revenge against the teacher who years ago gave him a C- on that same essay! Only he won’t because he’s better than that! But he will add the note, “That’s not how LISA would plagiarise.”

    Mandrake: “A small piece of paper! Or a packet of poison! The Mob is trying to rub out Gina already, but Mandrake grabbed the wrong cup!”

    Why is the Moon from “A Trip To The Moon” wearing a bow tie and asking if something’s wrong?

    Mark Trail: Everybody’s all worked up about some banded geese and nobody’s paying attention to the Loch Ness Monster right there?

    Mother Goose and Grimm: OK, if that’s Kora’s kangaroo son in there, based on that high heel’s size, he’s dating a squirrel. I’m not judging, I’m just saying, way too small for a woman ‘roo.

    Zippy the Pinhead: Well, that fourth panel should out-do whatever McEldowney worked up today for burning my eyes. I’m wrong, of course. But I can hope.

  87. forgot
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    is it just me or is peter parker already in handcuffs?or just practicing?

  88. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#83): *does happy little dance*

  89. Not Just Any Dipstick
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#39): Ya just have to read first (see #30).

  90. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#86): nothing rong with dating squirrels. Check out Peaches and Cream for details. Or ask Hammy.

    [*]

  91. mollificent
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#71): I got a huge grin out of today’s Mutts too. My cat does that all the time. It’s like “Don’t worry, I’m still here.” (Or else, “You’re still here, right? Right? OK.” :)

  92. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#y223): Yea, I was into CX as well back in the 80′s. My personal favorite DisAd was “Abortion results in global nuclear war”, where abortion was the natural result of increased pesticide regulation.

    Of course, on affirmative I always put in a sandbag point where one of my minor sources of funding was from “government bake sales”. Let the negative attack that point all hour long, and have them miss the really important points of the debate.

    @HAMMEY THE SQUIRREL! (#y285): LES NESMAN of WKRP: “A giant lizard is hitting the east coast. It is the biggest lizard to hit since 1977.

    JOHNNY FEVER: Les, the “B” on the teletype is broken again.

    @Elk Meadow (#y320): THIS IS CETI ALPHA V!!!!!!

  93. Morndew
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Been gone for a while, and now all confused. (no, not about MW storyline…that hasn’t changed at all) but what is going on with the Cronicles comics page? Not only is my fav page gone, but today there are no links for PBS and a few others. What’s the deal? Does anyone know? Is it just ME???

  94. Dood
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Judge Parker: Go to the bank? That’s like work. I thought all Sam had to do was break out the portable rainbow and produce a pot-o’-gold to pay for the Road Queen.

  95. Government Cheese
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    Luann: I don’t know about this, Ms. Rosa has forced a date on Gunter by backing him into a corner. So he is whipped even before the date? This does not bode well. Also, he jizzed his pants again.

  96. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#94): Abby is secretly Rainbow Dash?!?

    o.

    different rainbows.

    nm.

  97. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Sherman’s Lagoon: I guess they haven’t noticed that Charlie Sheen is back on his meds (Thank God).

  98. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @twg (#70): I’m with you up to the “society page.” I’d expect the New York Post to put it on their celebrity “Guess who hooked up with a buttaface?” page.

    @twg (#74): You’ve just explained Mark Trail’s problems in the bedroom: Cherry doesn’t have a cloaca.

    @Morndew (#93): Ever since TDIET died, the comics page has been circling the drain. A week or so ago The Chron changed its web page software to something sucky new that got rid of all the reasons to go there.

  99. Apeman
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Magoo (#65): He wasn’t a criminal when he was invited, right? So the real question is: why didn’t the hospital rescind the invitation? “Well, the police are after him right now. Do you think he should still come?” “Yeah, why not? Wouldn’t you trust your children around a wanted criminal who won’t allow anyone to know who he really is?”

  100. wossname
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Morndew (#93): It’s not just you. Quite a few Mudges (me included) have replaced the sputtering Chron page with http://darkgate.net/comic/ which lets you build your own page. (Just bookmark it after you’ve chosen the ones you want.)

  101. JupiterPluvius
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    Well, thank whatever gods may be that SOMEBODY at A3G is finally trying to distinguish between the million dough-faced blondes by making one of them a dough-faced redhead. The bows were not enough for me to tell the difference between Ruby and the upstairs neighbor and the other dough-faced postmenopausal blonde (somebody’s mom?)

  102. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    That look of astonished surprise Lizz has on her face? She must be looking at me in my t-back thong. I get that look a lot.

  103. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    for Austria. *gigglez*

  104. Artie
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    My love life puts the “quit” in “unrequited”.

  105. Ned Ryerson
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    Abby Spencer put the tits in huge set of tits.
    Spider-Man put the shithead in incredibly ineffective shithead.
    Mary Worth put the boring in tedious boring old biddie.
    Gina put the ponytail is that’s the dumbest fucking ponytail I’ve ever seen in my life.

    I put the stupid in stupidly running a gag further into the ground that everybody else already shanked into yesterday’s roast beef.

  106. JupiterPluvius
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Magoo (#65): Because of the recession, the foundations that used to provide trips to Disneyland and paragliding and what-not to terminally ill kids had to cut back. So their more affordable solution is an endless parade of public enemies and other blights on the landscape in order to make the kids welcome the coming embrace of sweet, sweet death.

    This week, Spider-Man; next week, Bill O’Reilly; the week after that, Céline Dion and Kenny G in concert.

  107. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Ted, Sally can’t say anything right now. Her dick just fell off.

    Aaaand the missing last panel of Apartment 3-G: Ruby’s thought bubbling “Engaged to a Mr. Coffee I’ll bet. What a dimbulb!”

  108. nerowolfgal
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    MT – Andy the dog runs off. Andy the dog comes back home. Does Andy the dog then give Mark a detailed report of his itinerary?

    “And then I followed Princess to a cabin where an old lady put me in a pen because somehow my seeing her is going to give YOU the information that she is the crazy bird-banding lady (which is not illegal at all) and that means thousands of tourists are going to swamp the town and now her son (the Mountie) is going to do something stupid to cover up the fact that I saw his mother and she confessed to me (a dog) that she is the bird-banding crazy lady. Oh, and a giant fish is going to eat you.

    And if Andy DOESN’T tell Mark all this, Mark would probably just assume that Andy had been wandering around in the woods eating deer poop.

  109. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @JupiterPluvius (#106): Céline Dion and Kenny G in concert? And then they send in the clowns to complete this descent into the fifth circle of hades.

  110. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#102): And would she still say, “the perp?”

  111. Scott Bot
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @JupiterPluvius (#106): in order to make the kids welcome the coming embrace of sweet, sweet death.

    Wow, I never knew Spider-Man was set in Westview.

  112. Anonymous
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Today’s Spider-Man is hilarious when you pretend he’s trying to talk about the internet.

  113. Morndew
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#100):
    Thank you soooo very much :) I thought I was going crazy, and when I complained to my friends and family, they told me to get a life lol. (don’t hit me either Rat!!)

  114. Little Guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#86), Mandrake: Bowties are cool.

  115. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#110): In ecstasy Lizz has lost verbal coherence. I get that a lot, too.

  116. MapDark
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    MW : OH MAH GAWD! GINA! SHUT UP! The chances of Bobby even remembering you and , God forbid , still loving you are pretty much LESS likely than Michele bachmann being mentally sane! So geez, Do what you were supposed to do in the first place when you were put under FBI protection , MAKE YOURSELF A NEW LIFE!

    I know it’s just a comic , but Gina’s completely MENTAL ramblings are intellectually insulting!

    I mean even Mary Worth looks bored as hell listening to you going non-stop about Bobby , Bobby bobby.

  117. Uncle Lumpy
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @JupiterPluvius (#106), @Baka Gaijin (#109):

    “Hey, kids, bundle up — we’re all going to see Cirque du Soleil!

  118. Crankenstank
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    You can take the radioactive boy out of the spider suit, but you can’t take the radioactive spider out of the boy. How Peter manages to forget that he’s a mutant always amazes me.

  119. Arabella
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#117): Followed by “Riverdance”

  120. Red Greenback
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#117): Extravadanza!

  121. Marc
    September 21st, 2011 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    A3G- Maybe it’s just me but it looks an awful lot like LuAnn is lustily going in hard for a makeout session with the hideous pink haired hag in panel one.

    Luann- This has the potential to be as bad if not worse than Brad/Toni, Knute/Goth Bitch, Luann/Quill/Mini Elvis/Aaron Hill/Bernice’s army guy brother/the homeless guy under the bridge. This strip has expanded my capacity for hate by about 30x what it used to be.

    Mary Worth- Of all the unrealistic things about this story line the most improbable one is that a soccer player in North America not named David Beckham is that famous with what I assume will be hordes of adoring fans.

  122. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

  123. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#117): And then kids, we’ll see Andrew Dice Clay nursery rhymes!

  124. Walker of Dog
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    DT: What a shame, now that Brandon’s books are finally in the black.

    MT: Rusty, look out! Oh, my mistake, it’s just a giant frog.

    RMMD: Buck up, Sarah – the first mate gets to ignite the oil slick!

    A3G: Does anyone else have a sudden craving for pink lemonade?

    S-M: Peter misspoke. He meant to say, “I may hang up my webs – for Halloween! Wouldn’t they look spooky above the apartment doorway? You know, for the kids!”

  125. Pop Goes the Weasel
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    Anybody else notice that for the last 6 months or so, Gasoline Alley has been topping Batuik Inc. on the” life is an endless parade of misery” front?
    Except with nobody dying [literally, I think Walt is about 115 years old now],
    and self righteous smirking replaced with bug-eyed horror at life’s little inconveniences.

  126. JupiterPluvius
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#121): David Beckham or Thierry Henry, but yeah.

  127. seismic-2
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    How did the hospital arrange for Spidey to make an appearance there? Does he have an agent? What other bookings does the agent arrange – nursing homes and prisons? Does Spidey do autograph shows, and if so, then why is he always griping about having no income? OK, he does autograph shows, and no one buys any. That makes sense.

  128. Mark B.
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    I think it would have been more hilarious of Gina’s former crush had joined Blue Man Group. And then their reunion would have been awkward, since Gina would have a hard time figuring out which one was Bobby.

  129. Snuggs
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    “Good God, Peter! You’re face is transforming into your Spider-Man mask and shooting bolts of electricity all over the room!! I’m sorry, what were you saying? You’re giving up superheroing yet again? Yeah, okay.”

  130. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#127): He’s got a web site.

    *runs and ducks*

  131. Liam
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    Love Is-She’s got something else that needs to be drilled.

    MT-While we wait for Andy I can try out your rod again.

  132. Readem and Laf
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    MT RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT’S THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON!

  133. Dobe G
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @Terry in Maryland (#8): My thought was that Trudeau is trying to show that he’s not spreading poorly-sourced gossip to damage a political opponent, he’s satirizing that process. Not all that convincing to me, but YMMV.

  134. Terry in Maryland
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#16):

    @UncleJeff In this case, more of playing both sides of the street.

  135. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#123): “Hickory, Dickery, Dock. . . . “

  136. Chip Whittle
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Bliss: Look, let’s not get into a big row about who tried to kill who with a tennis racquet, OK?

    Flo and Friends: Remember, old people, that pesky Internet is just a convenient, ever-present, ever-patient way to keep in contact with friends and loved ones! You don’t need it because you’re old!

    Ginger Meggs: Is it nitpicking to point out the blackboard problems don’t have any “1″ which could be carried, or any denominator that “1″ could be added to?

    Inspector Danger’s Crime Quiz: Hang on! I read that Agatha Christie mystery too, and the suspect with the travel brochures just bought them for cheap fantasy getaways. I’m more suspicious of that so-called author writing on a manual typewriter in 2011. If he’s not Ray Bradbury he’s affecting a pose.

    Joe Vanilla: Hey, I worked at that office once.

    Kit ‘N’ Carlyle really captures how crazy cats will go for their wheat bread.

    Who keeps wheat bread in a ceramic jar?

  137. Dood
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:29 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: What’s this about Spidey hanging up his webs? How will he reach for the remote (thwip!)?

  138. Readem and Laf
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    MT “Now what do I do?”

    Stop scratching your head and talking to your imaginary cell phone. Put your hand by your waist. That thing strapped to your hip? It’s called a gun. Remember what they taught you before they gave you a uniform and you wandered into this forsaken place? Before you started talking to yourself? You remember, right?

  139. Bootsy
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @twg (#70):

    “so suck it tiny weird person” made me guffaw. Thanks, twg!

  140. TheDiva
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @S. Stout (#40): Dolphin’s Tale? Really? I didn’t know Rosa was 7.

    I’m guessing the same radically conservative upbringing that forbids Rosa from (directly) asking a boy out on a date also bars her from seeing movies with a PG-13 rating or higher. The fact that she is somewhere around 15-16 years old is of no consequense.

  141. Scott Bot
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#140): Actually, I’m just wondering if it’s because Twilight – Breaking Dawn hasn’t come out yet. Gunther seems the type to be easily dragged to that.

  142. Chip Whittle
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Nest Heads: Those young kids and their In-ter-net are so silly, sending a joke by e-mail as a quicker way than reading it aloud, and then not wanting to read it aloud because that takes too long! Ho ho.

    Pibgorn: Oh, good, so naked blue succubus wasn’t dead, except she kept getting killed, and being brought back to life to be killed some more, just like how they couldn’t die that started off this story.

    Reply All: No question it’s easier to draw a comic strip if the characters can hide off-panel, but is it really fair to the cartooning arts?

    Rose is Rose: Gotta admit, it takes a unique set of personalities to be hypnotized by a bowling ball. I thought it just happened to Pluggers.

  143. commodorejohn
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Strawberry Shortcake, pretty little miss wacky old bat…

    A.D. – Fifty!?

    Crankshaft – Well, if nothing else, a plunge into straight-out psychological horror is a nice change of pace from repressive existential dread. Still, for sheer horror value it’s got nothing on the revelation that Lisa dwells in Les’s eyes while he’s having sex with other, non-dead women.

    DT – They probably shot him for naming his store “Lawn Order.”

    JP – All together now: “CHRIST, WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

    Love Is… – a good drilling.

    Luann – Look at her dead eyes. They haven’t even gone yet and she’s already realized this is a lost cause. (Also, for a movie about a bionic dolphin, Dolphin Tale sounds a lot like “Free Willy for the 2010s.”)

    MT – Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

    MW – If you need me, I’ll be under the bed, hiding from the CRAZY EYES.

    OBH – “But not necessarily in that order!” is what really makes this.

    PBS – So do the Welsh find jokes about the Welsh language as funny as the rest of us do?

    Popeye – Oh God dammit.

    RMMD – Wait, I thought all the insinuations were that Rex had a history with Lenore? Now she went after Niki in the meantime? Cripes, for an old lady she moves fast. Well, in Rex Morgan time, that is.

    SF – She’s catatonic, Ted. Better get the hand truck.

  144. seismic-2
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    The bigger question is why Rosa is interested in Gunther at all. Is her family poor, and does she need someone to make clothes for them? Or is she operating under the mistaken belief that Gunther’s “Bookworm” costume is anatomically representative of its wearer?

  145. I. M. A. Weisenheimer
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    Still another problem with the Shoe joke: Biz’s plate is loaded with food, hardly putting the “less” in “tasteless.

  146. Bitter Scribe
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#25): Not only do they require it, but, from what I’ve been told (no kids myself), those damn graphing calcs can be hard to find and cost a fortune.

    Apparently there are smartphone apps that do the same thing, but most schools don’t let kids use (or even possess) phones during school hours.l

  147. Anonymous
    September 21st, 2011 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    Love is… Getting an idea for some very special new attachments for that electric drill.

  148. Carly
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    Maybe…maybe Ruby decided she needed to put the Ruby in Ruby? Okay, that doesn’t really work as word play, either. But it would explain the hair.

  149. Esther Blodgett
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#63): And then he’ll waggle his eyebrows and smirk. I think I just died a little.

  150. Qoheleth
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    Rose is Rose: “As you gaze into the gazing globe, so does the gazing globe gaze into you.” — Nietzsche

  151. Lamb Cannon
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    i didn’t realize ziggy’s creator worked at the same place as R. Crumb (American Greetings in Cleveland OH)

    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/21/arts/tom-wilson-cartoonist-behind-ziggy-dies-at-80.html?hpw

  152. commodorejohn
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#147): Reminds me of an incident with an electric turkey knife that showed up in the news some years ago…protip, padding a powered cutting surface just means a delay before the horrible mutilation.

  153. Peanut Gallery
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    JP – “Let’s go the bank!” Is that some sort of anime-talk?

    RMMD – Nice color-changing shirt, Niki. I hope it’s washable.

    SFx – Bonus! Spot the six differences from the last time that elephant came around!

  154. Little Guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    JP: I don’t see why they need to go to the bank. Abbey dancing topless for 30 minutes should cover the pricetag.

  155. Scott Bot
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    R is R – ‘Oh, my God! That bowling ball! It’s my wife!!!

  156. Dood
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: Margo rocks the bun, but Ruby rocks the ribbons.

  157. Dood
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#154): Abbey puts the pence in Spencer.

  158. Red Stripe
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    A3G: It’s not Ruby’s change in hair-color that upsets me. It’s the seemingly indiscriminate hanging of tampons off of it that I find unsettling.

    Shoe: Tasteless indicates no taste. The joke implies something less than tasteless, which is improbable. How can you have less than nothing in this case. Unless Roz’s food is made of anti-matter or something.

  159. Chyron HR
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#143): Popeye – Oh God dammit.

    What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever heard of a…

    (puts on sunglasses)

    Shaggy dog story?

    YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

  160. Peanut Gallery
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#13):

    MT: if the frog is the size of the cabin, that fish must be a Musketherium.

    No, that’s actually a teensy log cabin.

  161. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    Shoe: They’re quoting from one of Cole Porter’s failed numbers, aren’t thay?

    S-M: Don’t worry, folks. Peter always talks about hanging up his webs for good when fall TV season rolls around.

    A3G: You have no idea how glad I am that the funnies aren’t audio. Ruby is about to let out a squeal that would break every glass in a fully stocked tavern.

    JP: So yeah, the obscenely wealthy Spencers are going to score their latest victory by lowballing a near-bankrupt RV salesman. Up till now, I’m guessing that all Judge Parker fanfiction involved Abbey locked in a sauna with Gloria or the book publicist chick. From now on I think more of it will be about her and Sam burning in hell.

    9CL: I’m a little rusty on my Old Testament, but I believe making dick jokes about the Allmighty will get you turned into a pillar of salt.

    Marvin: How about you say “yes” to potty-training before you start throwing stones, Marvin?

    MW: Gina, Bobby’s parents have reason to be proud of him. His high school soccer coach has reason to be proud of him. Arguably, the wife or girlfriend he may have has reason to be proud of him. Not sure the pride justification extends to his puppy-lovestruck cyberstalker.

    H&J: Bentley is really pushing for the comeback of leisure suits. He must have invested in a factory somewhere.

    C-Shaft: “This is the sensible v-neck sweater I forged in life.”

    DT: I have to admit, getting off two rounds after you’ve been shot in the back is pretty badass.

    S4th: Called it. Okay, so it was telegraphed to Kingdom Come, but I’ll still brag on it.

    H-Cliff: “So I figure showing her chunks of my homework in mouse shit will give me a passable excuse.”

    EC: Okay, I’ve gotten bad restaurant service. We’ve all gotten bad restaurant service. None of us asked to relive the experience for two weeks.

    DtM: The only position for women in the Menace Revolution is prone.

  162. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Lamb Cannon (#151): Has there ever been a Ziggy/Mr Natural crossover? That would be a sight for the ages.

  163. Anonymous
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#38):

    and Rex tearing the transom out of his new playtoy.

    Yikes! Which part of Niki is the transom?

  164. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#160): goes well with pancakes!

  165. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#163): “transom: one of the beams running athwart the ship’s hull at the fashion timbers or the surface that forms the flat back panel of a stern of a vesselNikki

  166. Red Greenback
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    Apparently Roz keeps the food in her stomach too long before regurgitating it.

  167. Oregonian
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    @Dobie (#42): Marmaduke puts the “cur” in “Comics Curmudgeon.”

  168. Pseudo3D
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    Here’s ANOTHER Mary Worth prediction: Bobby will turn out to be the mobster’s son all along!

  169. Peanut Gallery
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @Lamb Cannon (#151): Better yet, according to this, Wilson was Crumb’s boss and told him to make his drawings “less grotesque”!

  170. Neigedens
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Ruby’s hair…amazes me, to be honest. Maybe Halloween has come early in A3G-land (AND WHY NOT) and she’s dressed up like some sort of Mormon Raggedy Ann character.

  171. Peanut Gallery
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#162): Probably something like this, with Ziggy in place of Flakey Foont.

  172. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#163): The garage.

  173. Chip Whittle
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Good news, everyone. R.J.Carter of “The Trades” interviewed Tom Batiuk, so we get some insight into what’s coming up for the Greater Failburg Metropolitan Region.

    Among the highlights:

    * The girls’ basketball team competes for the State Championship.
    * A same-sex couple wants to attend the prom.
    * Les Moore and Lisa Successor Unit #1 will go rock climbing.
    * Funky and Crankshaft are going to team up again, where “he’s got a caregiver, he’s in a wheelchair,” but Batiuk doesn’t say whether it’s Funky or Cranky.
    * Mercifully we’re going to see some backstory to how Les got where he was after Time Warp II.
    * Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft have been optioned by Hollywood for movies that look like they’ll never get made.

  174. Uncle Lumpy
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#161):

    … the obscenely wealthy Spencers are going to score their latest victory by lowballing a near-bankrupt RV salesman.

    Oh, plenty of blame to go around here: it’s a cash transaction Uncle Barney won’t report to either his creditors or the IRS, and the Spencers won’t pay sales tax. We don’t yet know how they’re going to fudge the inventory discrepancy and title transfer, but hey, it’s only September.

    In other news, Josh puts the win in “long-winded.”

  175. Crankenstank
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    I’m waiting to see what my fellow doppelnomer, Cranky, has to say about this, but having had the nickname The Crank for about 30 years now I am not happy about showing up in “Shoe”. But I guess that should be expected with a nickname like that, eh?

    “Crank”, btw, was once synonymous with “over the top enthusiast” but has been replaced by the even more watered down “fan” (once short for “fanatic”). I liked the old days, guldurnit. Which I would, being a crank.

  176. wossname
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#174): Batiuk puts the DEAD in “long-windead.”

  177. SF_Reader
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Gene S. (#60): Best explanation yet.
    So Josh, do the British have arstronauts?

  178. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#27): I just figured it out. Bobby Black actually is a hitman for the NY mob. His spot on the Blazes simply provides him a cover for traveling the country and erasing former childhood crushes who ratted out made guys. In mob circles, he’s known as “Bobby the Flopper.”

  179. SF_Reader
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Crankenstank (#175): “Crank” is what we used to call Methamphetamine back in high school.

  180. lynn
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    Chip Whittle, #173,
    “we get some insight into what’s coming up for the Greater Failburg Metropolitan Region. Among the highlights…

    “Highlights” is sarcasm, right?

  181. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#41): And meanwhile, back at LoFo, the ravaged body of Rusty lies unseen and uncared for under the collapsed ruins of the fishing dock that Mark neglected to repair. Huzzah!

  182. Not Worth It
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    @Red Stripe (#158): I thought the joke in “Shoe” was that she serves “less” food. As in, “The food was terribly tasteless!” “Yes, and such small portions!”

  183. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 21st, 2011 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#174):

    Oh, plenty of blame to go around here: it’s a cash transaction Uncle Barney won’t report to either his creditors or the IRS, and the Spencers won’t pay sales tax.

    I guess that’s true, but I have a feeling that if Unka Barney had turned out to be aboveboard, they’d have trolled around until they found a dealer who was more shady and desperate.

  184. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Mary Worthless (#68): I thought they were the Santa Royale With Cheeses.

  185. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — Rex introduces Lenore Foster to Foster Woods, and the rich widow is immediately smitten with the charming (when he wants to be) writer. After fostering (ahem) a relationship with Foster, Lenore agrees to pay for the latter’s liver transplant.

    It’s a win/win situation for Rex since the underworked doctor gets to perform a real operation for a change* and he’s no longer expected to grant sexual favors to an elderly nympho.** It’s a win/win/win situation for Foster since he gets a new lease on life (yum… fresh liver!), a new rich wife (Lenore!) and his old wife (Mabel!) is no longer around to torment him***.

    *Operating on his daughter’s dolls doesn’t count!

    **Dream on, Sexy Rexy… she’s a nymphomaniac!

    ***Lenore hires hitman/surgeon/soccer player Dr. Robert “Bobby” Black to harvest Mabel’s liver… her lungs… her heart…

  186. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#184): Or the Santa Royale Salmon Squares.

  187. Comcis Fan
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    MW: Is it my imagination or is Mary actually drinking a cup of STFU?

  188. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

  189. Comcis Fan
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#188): Silly Teen Flingstory Upchuck

  190. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @nerowolfgal (#108): I would think what Mark hears Andy saying is the inverse of that classic Far Side strip:
    “Woof woof woof woof Mark woof woof woof woof Mark woof woof woof.”
    I think that’s how Mark hears any conversation. Kelly also.

  191. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    3G – “She’s young! She’s engaged! She uses LUX!”

    AD – Is this an important anniversary for the strip? Congratulations on fifty years, guys, some of which I still have to say were among the best years comic strips have had. I know some folks here don’t believe it, but the first three years (and more, even) of BC were frickin’ genius, and the last couple of years haven’t been too bad either.

    Baby – I decided at some age that I should be interested in models. I had a 1936 Ford model and a U-505, and was in the process of slowly maybe putting them together on the little table in my room. They gradually became part of the decor until one day Dad needed to stand on the table to fix something, shoving everything off the table in the process. I think that was pretty much it for me and model building.

  192. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    Bizarro – Does this strip exist in more than one format, or did it change to landscape format like most strips?

    Blondie – So, did having his face and name in today’s strip improve Thomas Austin’s business any? Inquiring minds.

    Drabble – By contrast, my cat helped direct my attention to a little squirrel in the house, and we seem to have made it go out the front door, so she’s a hero cat again.

  193. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    Pardon – Those light blue background characters… that guilloutine… oh, crap, the azure masses from Apartment 3G have risen up! Now I wish I’d been nicer.

    @Rixter (#35): I’m not sure even soccer is the appropriately slow-paced sport for this interminable storyline – what sport drags on for days and days without a score?
    Dance marathon!

    love is… the biggest tool in your little box. Ohhhh, yeahhh.

  194. AhClem
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#161):

    EC: Okay, I’ve gotten bad restaurant service. We’ve all gotten bad restaurant service. None of us asked to relive the experience for two weeks.

    Don’t worry — once this story line is finally over, we’ll be treated to six weeks of complaining how you never seem to have the right change for the parking meter, followed by a three-month rant about how the line you stand in at a supermarket is ALWAYS the slowest one. Cutting-edge humor for sure.

  195. Gene S.
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @twg (#74): Very good. Maybe they’ll do that in Shoe

  196. ArchieNemesis
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @Rixter (#35):

    What sport drags on for days and days without a score?

    Cricket would be the perfect sport for Mary Worth. Games of cricket can last 3 to 5 days.
    Each day consists of about 6 hours of actual play, with breaks for lunch and tea.

  197. Gene S.
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#177): Thank you. When you think of crank jokes, think of Gene…..

  198. Scott Bot
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Rixter (#35): what sport drags on for days and days without a score?

    Well, an NFL game with two minutes left to play seems that way, especially if both teams have time outs left.

    (spoken like a true non-sports fan)

  199. commodorejohn
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#191): I’ll concur. I have a couple early B.C. collections, and they are just great. Same goes for Hägar the Horrible, back when it had a concept and stuck with it and hadn’t run it dry, it was pretty damn funny.

  200. ArchieNemesis
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#173): Reading your preview of Tom Batuik’s upcoming plotlines made my
    snark-sense start tingling. I imagined jagged lines radiating from half my face.

  201. Chip Whittle
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    @lynn (#180):

    Chip Whittle, #173,
    “we get some insight into what’s coming up for the Greater Failburg Metropolitan Region. Among the highlights…

    “Highlights” is sarcasm, right?

    You’re telling me you aren’t looking forward to Tom Batiuk trying to write a story about the ongoing movement to treat gay people as if they were people, and the mountain-sized droppings of ham which will result, and the stunned looks on the faces of every Mudgeon, real or imagined, in reaction? Highlights I say and highlights I mean.

  202. Little Guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:48 pm [Reply]

    @Rixter (#35):

    I’m not sure even soccer is the appropriately slow-paced sport for this interminable storyline – what sport drags on for days and days without a score?

    Last two minutes of basketball, with 30-second timeouts, full timeouts, and fouls to give.

  203. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#84): I don’t know about Funky, but I would like to know why Ghostly Michael Jackson is featured in all three panels of today’s Repuke All.

  204. Little Guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#173):

    * The girls’ basketball team competes for the State Championship.
    - Les’ prodigy stubs her toe, gets toe cancer, and all the teams default in deferrence.

    * A same-sex couple wants to attend the prom.
    - Because same-sex couples at proms prevent cancer.

    * Les Moore and Lisa Successor Unit #1 will go rock climbing.
    - “ROCK CLIMBING!” /TomServo

    * Funky and Crankshaft are going to team up again, where “he’s got a caregiver, he’s in a wheelchair,” but Batiuk doesn’t say whether it’s Funky or Cranky.
    - It’s Batiuk himself. What a twist!

    * Mercifully we’re going to see some backstory to how Les got where he was after Time Warp II.
    - I hope an astronaut shoot him. Or Buzz Aldrin kicks his ass.

    * Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft have been optioned by Hollywood for movies that look like they’ll never get made.
    - “Cancer… IN IMax 3D!!!”

  205. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#173): I thought the Final Destination series was an adaptation of Funky. What with all the Death and dismemberment and what have you.

  206. Arabella
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#204): “because same sex couples at proms prevent cancer”
    also teen pregnancy.

  207. This Guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#173): Ah-ha, so the real explanation emerges about why Les spent all that time getting his panties in a twist about those Hollywood parasites getting their horrifying sucker-mouths all over his precious True Art. Look, Tom, art therapy is a fine and valid thing, I’m sure, but it’s customary not to syndicate it.

  208. Mark
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    That was a long-winded post. You put the “eon” in Curmudgeon.

  209. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

  210. littlestevie
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    Drawing Abbey, puts the wood in Woody Wilson.

  211. Shrug
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    y337: “it means you hit the tibia of the dangling skeleton instead of going between his legs and into the door on hole 3.”

    Is that what you crazy kids are calling it these days?

  212. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#85): That actually came from Saturday Night Live, when Hefner hosted in 1977. It was in a Playboy Club sketch where a middle aged surburban couple played by John Belushi and Gilda Radner (I forget the character names, they were regular characters) were there. Belushi’s character insisted on calling Hefner “Ner” instead of “Hef”.

  213. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2011 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    Oversnarpologies, if necessary.

    Baka Gaijin put the “ow” in “clown”.

    Or possibly the clowns did it themselves…

  214. commodorejohn
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#207): Oh, as if we didn’t already know. It’s easy to determine: anything that is just generally sad (cancer before Tom Batiuk had it, hearing loss, arm loss) is basic misery fodder to power the daily soul-grind in the Funkyverse; it’s only the stuff that happens to him personally that is True Heart-Wrenching Tragedy.

  215. Joshua
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    @Terry in Maryland (#8): What’s the competing book about Palin you are referring to?

    Also, why is the woman from the publisher in Doonesbury so mad at Roland Hedley? Within the context of the strip, Roland didn’t reveal any of the “juicy” content of the book in his tweets. If the woman is mad at him for anything, it should be for making the book sound boring, but that hasn’t come up in their conversation.

  216. Liam
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:03 pm [Reply]

    Archie-In the Archie Universe they discriminate by height.

    Dennis the Menace-Ah Dennis is growing up. When he gets older they will call what he has done rape.

    Sally Forth-Congratulations. You have done a lot better than Sally. I mean just look at the guy she married. He is lost in his own little world most of the time.

    JP-Uncle Barney is so down on his luck that he will accept any amount for the Road Queen.

  217. Chance
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    Other things to say to brainy inamoratas:

    You put the “cause” in “cosmonaut.”

    You put the “sigh” in “scientist.”

    You put the “fizz” in “physicist.”

    You put the “bi” in “biologist.” (May not apply)

  218. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#204): And ROCK CLIMBING is the precursor to
    DEEEEEEEEEEEP HURRRRRRRRTINNNNNNNG!
    (God, I hope TommyBoy isn’t having a sequence of a sand storm!)

    Yeah… rock climbing in FW. Nothing can go hideously wrong there or anything…!
    Alright, who’s going to lose an arm this time?

  219. Shrug
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    “I’m not sure even soccer is the appropriately slow-paced sport for this interminable storyline – what sport drags on for days and days without a score?”

    There’s the world-wide Olympic Hide and Seek game depicted by MONTY PYTHON…

  220. Liam
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    Spider-man-But he must go. He owes it to the kids to let them see their favorite hero arrested by the cops.

  221. Joe Blevins
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:20 pm [Reply]

    (today’s zomby) AND HOT STORM WINDOW ACTION!

  222. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#219): “what sport drags on for days and days without a score?”
    There’s Gunther asking out Rosa in Luann. Hell, that applies to any boy-girl relationship in Luann.

  223. Shrug
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:24 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#76):

    “I need to find a way to slip the phrase ‘suck it, tiny weird person’ into my daily conversations.”

    Ever since I saw it in CUL DE SAC a few days ago, I’ve been trying to find a way to use “Daddy needs a new anvil.”

  224. A Woman of a Certain Age
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    JP: A classic conundrum — who is the scammer and who is the scammee? Best outcome: everyone gets snookered.

  225. Liam
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    FW-Buying a paper off the Internet that is so last decade.

    Gasoline Alley-You know you are staying at a bad motel when you are happy that someone breaking into your house will get you out of the motel.

    Popeye-I remember something like this from “Fantasia”. If I remember right the brooms that Mickey chopped up did not regenerate and make smaller brooms so the hairs from the shaved Spong won’t regenerate and make smaller Spongs.

  226. Poteet
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#71): I truly love all those ideas, plus the piano-squish. I was already looking forward to Paul’s demise, but the element of anticipatory glee has now been added. YAY! Paul’s gonna be killed by family values!

  227. This Guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#214): Fair point. That could be used to prognosticate future “plot” “developments” in FW if any of us could be arsed to read more about Tommy’s gripping life.

  228. Liam
    September 21st, 2011 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    MW-Judging by her expression even Mary is getting bored with this storyline. Can’t we do a story where we show my smug disdain for modern technology.

  229. Caspar
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    I think you misunderstood Shoe’s pun, Josh–Roz seems to be implying that Biz is actually addicted to (or perhaps dealing) crank meth.

  230. SF_Reader
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:07 pm [Reply]

    @littlestevie (#210): Good one!
    And Niki puts the organ in Rex Morgan.

  231. Liam
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    JP-Listen you’re a desperate man. Your business is on the verge of going under. You have no choice whatsoever but to take whatever I offer. Consider yourself lucky that we don’t take the keys from you and run you down with the Road Queen.

  232. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#223): How about:

    “Hey, Brooke McEldowney, this fantasy shtick is getting tiresome! I know you need to pile on something with all the subtlety of Wiley Miller, but move on, already! Daddy needs a new anvil!”

  233. Pseudo3D
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#173):

    * The girls’ basketball team competes for the State Championship.
    They will probably lose. If they win, the smug smirking will probably kill us.

    * A same-sex couple wants to attend the prom.
    Expect a heavy-handed preachy lesson, and walls and walls of text. No exceptions!

    * Les Moore and Lisa Successor Unit #1 will go rock climbing.
    Cayla will hopefully be killed somehow.

    * Funky and Crankshaft are going to team up again, where “he’s got a caregiver, he’s in a wheelchair,” but Batiuk doesn’t say whether it’s Funky or Cranky.
    Sure, let’s harm our titular character even more! He’s bitter, but he’s not Les.

    * Mercifully we’re going to see some backstory to how Les got where he was after Time Warp II.
    Well, always nice to have snarking material.

    * Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft have been optioned by Hollywood for movies that look like they’ll never get made.
    Yes, because Batiuk, like Les, fretted about they’ll ruin everything.

  234. Red Greenback
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#212): Aha! That’s the one. I dare say my recollections of the late 70′s were somewhat smoky.
    “you put the X in Y,” Cont: Karen Moy, you put the stalk in Kelrast.

  235. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#230): Maybe not COTW, but close enough to ride the float.

  236. Arabella
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    JP: Has there been any verification that the Road Queen will actually run? Or is it all “home” and no “motor?”

  237. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#236): “All ‘home’ and no ‘motor’.” That actually sounds like a description of Sam.

    By the way, off the comix topic, R.E.M. announced today that they’ve split up. That makes me feel a little sad, and a lot old.

  238. Seth
    September 21st, 2011 at 7:57 pm [Reply]

    That joke works if you think of “crank” as a euphemism for “penis” (as in, “yank my crank”).

  239. Poteet
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — Good gravy, what’s going on with the hand of that alleged child?? I hope the freakish crease in her palm means her life will be really short, as in “she falls overboard, hits her head on a large rock, and dies immediately.”

  240. Hank
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#173), @Little Guy (#204): I can only envision what happened when Hollywood tried to option a Funky Winkerbean movie: Some hapless studio executive, who fondly remembered a whimsical comic strip about two high school misfits and a candy obsessed band director, thought he was buying a family or teen comedy. Batuik immediately started hounding him day and night about how that was the “inferior” work of a child, not the “writer” he is today, and insisted it be a Oscar-worthy drama about alcoholism and cancer. The exec would receive ten emails a day with “production notes” suggesting various casting ideas (Tom Hanks as Funky, Robert Downey Jr as Les, Halle Berry as Cayla and Julia Roberts as dead Lisa). Eventually, the studio paid Batuik to go away, which he took as both a victory for “art” and proof that the philistines will ruin his writing if given half a chance.

  241. greghousesgf
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#59): why do I hear Niles Crane’s voice in my head saying this?

  242. jnoble
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:55 pm [Reply]

    Dennis The Future Abusive Spouse Menace: You know, if I didn’t hold myself to a certain level of decorum on this fine webpage, I could offer a really rude offensive just plain wrong caption(s) for today’s panel based on the look on his face and her prone postion. But I won’t.

  243. Hank
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#237): R.E.M. announced today that they’ve split up. That makes me feel a little sad, and a lot old. For me, at least, R.E.M. ceased to exist when Bill Berry left in 1997 and the band turned from a muscular sounding rock group into some sort of sonic wallpaper for Stipe to moan in front of.

  244. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#240): Surely you meant to say Brad Pitt as Les and Tom Sizemore as Funky?

  245. Elk Meadow
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Magoo (#65):

    Excellent point. Volunteers who work with/visit children have to go through background checks.

  246. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @Hank (#243): For some reason, the latter part of this post puts me in mind of Morrissey.

  247. Elk Meadow
    September 21st, 2011 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#86):

    Dennis the Menace: “We’re playing Tag, Dennis…not tackle!

    Ah, but that’s Gina he tackled. And he likes Gina. He likes her a lot.

  248. Elk Meadow
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    Found this poem by W. B. Yeats. Thought it appropriate for the comic’s most despised English teacher:

    Aedh Laments the Loss of Love


    Pale brows, still hands and dim hair,
    I had a beautiful friend
    And dreamed that the old despair
    Would end in love in the end:
    She looked in my heart one day
    And saw your image was there;
    She has gone weeping away.

    Of course, Cayla isn’t pale, but what with the changes Tom Batiuk keeps making, she probably will be in a month.

  249. Kevin
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    I believe Ruby meant to say, “Whomever you’ve been doing”. And yes, it definitely agrees with Luann.

  250. Mr. O'Malley
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    @Elk Meadow (#248):

    She who had brought great Hector down
    And put all Troy to wreck.

  251. True Fable
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:44 pm [Reply]

    Mary Wrath “I love him no matter what he’s doing! It just so happens he’s a popular futbol player and not a gun-toting drug-running head of some cartel, that’s all! Because in my fantasy, he’d be a leader and not some penny-ante foot soldier!It’s no surprise I have a reason to be proud of him even though it’s no reflection on me whatsoever! Men want him, and women want to be like him! That’s my Bobby!”

  252. HAMMEY THE SQUIRREL!
    September 21st, 2011 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#90):
    OOO!! SQUIRREL DATING!!! ASK ME! ASK ME!! ASK ME!!!

    don't ask

  253. The Gringo Kid
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#250):
    Helen
    hell on wheels
    ain’t nobody else gonna
    know the way she feels

  254. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#213): If I were to go near them, yes, I’d put the “ow” in “clown.”

  255. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    HAMMEY, you put the “!” in “HAMMEY THE SQUIRREL!”

    (a compliment, of course)

  256. Just some guy
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    Here’s how I would come back:
    Oh yeah, Roz?
    You put the bitch in bitch.

  257. AhClem
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:24 pm [Reply]

    Abbey puts the “pies” in “sweaterpuppies.”

    OK, that’s all I’ve got.

  258. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    @SF_Reader (#177): They’re called The Arstrocrats in the UK!

    @Chip Whittle (#86): [Re: Mandrake] “Why is the Moon from “A Trip To The Moon” wearing a bow tie and asking if something’s wrong?”

    I thought that was supposed to be Joe the Bartender, one of Jackie Gleason’s recurring TV characters. (“To the moon, Mandrake!”)

  259. Artist formerly known as Ben
    September 21st, 2011 at 10:39 pm [Reply]

    @AhClem (#194): $25 gets you a seat, but you’ll only need THE EDGE!

  260. Pseudo3D
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#233): To expand on my predictions, the prom storyline will probably involve the entire school being homophobic strawmen except the two gay (wo)men in question. Eventually, there will be a long-winded speech by one or both of them (or a sympathetic teacher), with the entire school accepting them.

    Call me back next summer and tell me I’m at least mostly right.

  261. FOOBed again
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#260): Yes, and probably Les will be the only teacher who supports them, or one of the only ones.

  262. Z
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    I knew a nice girl in High School who dyed her hair like Ruby here. It never quite went back to the blond it was before and no one ever really stopped making jokes about her behind her back after that. Not sure where I was going with this story, other than: High School kids suck but Ruby should really have more sense than a poor 16 year old by her age.

  263. Frank Lee Meidere
    September 21st, 2011 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    @The Gringo Kid (#237): Not as old as if you still think of REM as a new group.

  264. Elk Meadow
    September 22nd, 2011 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    Spiderman has the soup of the day. And he’s not eating at Roz’s.

  265. Elk Meadow
    September 22nd, 2011 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    Ah, gee, Gina. We all know it’s going to be you and Bobby or you and Drew. One’s a soccer player on a traveling team, with groupies; Drew is currently single and a doctor. Which one will allow you to have coffee with Mary for the indeterminable future? You two could be the next Toni and Ian if you go with Drew.

  266. commodorejohn
    September 22nd, 2011 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    DTM – Dennis puts the “ass” in “menace.”

  267. Elk Meadow
    September 22nd, 2011 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    In the New Adventures of Queen Victoria, she can sit back and enjoy the circus debates, as she doesn’t have to live with the consequences. However, Brewster Rockit is having its own pre-election debates– “Kill All Humans” could be on a bumper sticker tomorrow.

  268. Droopy Says
    September 22nd, 2011 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#173): * Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft have been optioned by Hollywood for movies that look like they’ll never get made.

    If someone hasn’t already said it, “This explains Les’s whining about the option.” If we’re lucky we won’t see a repeat.

    The Amusing Spiderman: Parker, quit whining and get to the hospital. The children are waiting. And some of them are orphans. Orphans, Parker, orphans! With big puppy eyes filled with tears! Hurry! The littlest orphan has crawled on a ledge and only you can rescue him! You’ll be a hero, the SWAT team will go “D’awww!” and decide not to arrest you after all, and best of all, you’ll have thwarted the Big Boss’s plan without trying. What could be better for you than not trying?

    Judge Parker: I hate it when something makes me laugh this hard, because everyone looks at me and goes “What’s wrong? Is it asthma? Are you having a stroke? Should I call 9-1-1?” For Cthulhu’s sake, no bank in America is going to do this! “Why, yes, we just happen to have hundreds of thousands of dollars in unmarked bills on hand, and an old suitcase to hold it all, and no, we won’t report this cash transaction to the SEC, IRS, DHS or any other government agency no matter what the law requires or how suspicious it looks, in fact our entire staff will risk prison time over this because gosh darn it, people like you!”

    EffYou Wankerbeat: Some people are natural-born writers. Then there’s Batiuk.

    Mock Trail: Before he leaves, Pepe le Pew writes a note and puts it in a pouch on Trail’s collar.

    Hi & Lois: Takes a week’s worth of a Luann plot and squeezes all the obnoxiousness into two panels.

    Family Circus: “Rats!” Bil Keane said. “Billy is already too independent to take over the strip, but Jeffy is still young and impressionable!”

  269. Dobe G
    September 22nd, 2011 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean, the movie, featuring Jim Carrey as Masky McDeath.

  270. Dr. Weird
    September 22nd, 2011 at 2:47 am [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#233):

    The gay couple will also be characters invented for the storyline, never referenced before and never seen again. Though I suppose that could apply to some of the new generation characters too, who vanish for months or years at a time.

  271. Yr Obt Servt
    September 22nd, 2011 at 3:18 am [Reply]

    Thorax ingested
    Much bong fruit, seems the baby
    Won’t be born, ever

  272. Mr. O'Malley
    September 22nd, 2011 at 4:22 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#268): I don’t think any bank in town is going to say no to the Drivers, unless they want the SEC to start looking into the little matter of those foreclosures…

    As I suspected … they will even throw in a free suitcase.

    MW: I guess if all the other customers are plants, Gina is free to sit around yakking with Mary all day. As long as she waters the rest before she goes off her shift. The economy of Santa Royale never ceases to amaze me.

    MT: Has Andy left a steaming pile of something behind, or is it just the art?

    The second panel reminds me of when some people in San Francisco tried to change all the local laws to replace “pet owner” with “animal guardian” or something like that. Too bad they didn’t think of “animal friend”.

    WB Yeats on FW:
    We, who seven years ago
    Talked of honour and of truth,
    Shriek with pleasure if we show
    The weasel’s twist, the weasel’s tooth.

    (THOUGHTS UPON THE PRESENT STATE OF THE WORLD)

    (Thanks to ElkMeadow for the idea)

  273. Mary Worthless
    September 22nd, 2011 at 5:36 am [Reply]

    Forgettable? Gina? Never! One never forgets their first “ponytail”.

    Sweet? bwa ha ha ha ha ha

    Now be a dear and fetch me another cup of coffee and a beige piece of pie.

  274. John C Fremont
    September 22nd, 2011 at 6:22 am [Reply]

    FC – I laughed. Great Caesar’s ghost, I laughed. I plan to check in to Calmwood Mental Hospital with Ned Flanders after breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you know.

  275. Écureuil Écumant
    September 22nd, 2011 at 6:32 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#274) on FC: Yes, breakfast is the most important meal and that’s why I’m surprised at the lack of response to Wednesday’s FC.

    I just want to tell Thel and the rest of the world that “candy and scrambled eggs” may not go well together, but this Reese’s Cup cheese omelet I’m fixin’ takes breakfast to a whole new level.

  276. Droopy Says
    September 22nd, 2011 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    @Dr. Weird (#270): When FW introduces the gay high-school characters, you can be sure they’ll reappear. Nobody escapes Westview!

  277. Little Guy
    September 22nd, 2011 at 6:51 am [Reply]

    Curtis: …and Greg Wilkins speeds by Peter Parker and Ted Forth for the title of “Married Eunich of the Comics”.

    JP: Suave guy… jubbly wife….. cash, no questions…. are we sure these are the good guys?

    Then again, I just thought of Sam & Abbey in a remake of “Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry”. Excuse while I clean up…..

  278. gleeb
    September 22nd, 2011 at 6:57 am [Reply]

    Dick: The chief thinks he’s in plain clothes. Man should be in a straightjacket.

  279. A Woman of a Certain Age
    September 22nd, 2011 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: Now wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute here! I’m neither a grandparent nor a Plugger, but I always tie my shoes in double knots. BECAUSE THEY STAY TIED BETTER THAT WAY! Sheesh! I need some more coffeee.

  280. A Woman of a Certain Age
    September 22nd, 2011 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    @A Woman of a Certain Age (#279): uh, that should be “coffee” (picked a bad day to switch to decaf)

  281. Terry in Maryland
    September 22nd, 2011 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    @Joshua (#215):

    The competing book (Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin) was written by Frank Bailey, Palin’s former right hand man, along with a couple of bloggers from Alaska. He used his own experiences with emails and other documents to basically tell the behind the scenes story of her governorship and the campaign. The book was finished and sent to publishers, one of whom happened to be McGinnis’ publisher…who gave the book to Joe McGinnis. McGinnis sent the book all over creation, the juicy bits were discussed on TV and in print, then publishers didn’t want to touch the book saying that there was no new info in it. I think I have the details right. Here’s the full story, written by Bailey and the Alaskan bloggers:
    http://www.themudflats.net/category/blind-allegiance-to-sarah-palin-the-book/

  282. Steve McCroskey
    September 22nd, 2011 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    @A Woman of a Certain Age (#280): And I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

  283. John Christensen
    September 22nd, 2011 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    JP – Tomorrow’s news will feature a tragic fire that destroyed a near-bankrupt RV sales lot, and the disappearance of the owner as he runs away from his creditors with a huge suitcase of cash.

  284. Notebooked
    September 22nd, 2011 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    How would anyone ever manage to put the X in Y? There’s just…no X in Y. Shouldn’t it be ‘X in XY’? Or maybe I’m bad at math.

  285. Widdle Jeffy
    September 22nd, 2011 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    Jeffy, putting the eff in fuckhead since 1960,

  286. T.J.
    September 26th, 2011 at 6:09 am [Reply]

    I hate the word “ass,” but I laughed myself sore at your astronaut example. Cheers.

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