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The shameful secret from the past

Ziggy, 8/23/07

Ziggy always looks depressed, but he’s got a particularly traumatized expression on his weird, mushy face today. He’s sitting in that chair with a death grip on his little hat and a thousand-mile stare like he’s just received some terrible, terrible news. I’m not exactly sure what product or service brings one to the “Family Tree Genealogy” store/office/otherwise featureless room where a guy sits behind a desk; presumably you pay them money and they look up the same stuff on the Internet that you could have found for free in ten minutes if you weren’t a moron. Anyway, getting back to the mysterious little drama here, obviously Ziggy’s just been given some terrible news about his family, though I’d be hard-pressed to come up with what exactly a genealogist could say that would get you as worked up as our lovable loser is here. “Hmm, now where did I put your file … ah, here it is, Ziggy Hitler! Well, I have some interesting news about those European relatives…”

Apropos of nothing except that it’s simultaneously funny and horrifying, faithful reader Dub Not Dubya sent me this picture of a blobfish, which really more accurately should be called a Ziggyfish.

Spider-Man, 8/23/07

So, after robbing a bank, the Shocker is literally just standing around patiently surrounded by piles of money, waiting for the press to arrive, putting his fists on his hips so as to look as confidently villainous as he can once the cameras capture him. Of course, the press consists of erstwhile lovers J. Jonah Jameson and whatshername, the Romulan chick who now has a crush on Spider-Man; any supervillany is sure to be outshone by their squabbling. The only way Spider-Man can find out about all this is if he does the one thing most ingrained in his nature, but which he has sworn not to do: turn on the television. I think it’s safe to say that Spider-Man has finally given up and embraced camp.

Luann, 8/23/07

Oh, I do not like the look on TJ’s face in panel three. It’s one of discomfort, just starting to edge into outright pain. Is there a sharp, broken spring burrowing into someplace tender? Has Brad not actually sat in the chair? Did he make TJ his first test subject in an act of passive-aggressive revenge for the years the Teej has spent undermining his life?

Actually, now that I look at it again, it could just be flat-out rage. If there’s one thing TJ hates, it’s uncomfortable chairs. Don’t you dare offer him anything less than cushy … if you know what’s good for you.

For Better Or For Worse, 8/23/07

Desperate to make Elizabeth stop talking about Anthony — as any decent, normal person would be — Candace finally just changes the subject to herself in panel four.

The whole “Thérèse is an awful bitch” storyline is somewhat undermined by the fact that Anthony does, in fact, look like a fool in panel two. Nice jams, dude! Was 2003 the equivalent of 1988 in metric Canadian years?

342 responses to “The shameful secret from the past”

  1. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:17 pm [Reply]

    Hey, I killed the other thread! Finally! I felt like … like… well, I don’t actually watch the Friday 13th movies, so I don’t know any of the characters in them. But I felt like one of those guys who just can’t kill something.

    Anyway. See you tomorrow!

  2. alamo
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    hey spidey — i am with you on this!!

  3. Dan Someone
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    The Shocker appears to have forgotten where he parked his getaway car. Or perhaps where he keeps his keys in that fishnet unitard thingy.

  4. Kathy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    So I notice that Cathy has jumped on the I-phone bandwagon. It just took them a week to come out with where they were heading. Now Irving’s lost Blackberry is being replaced with the fabulous I-Phone.

  5. Jeremy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    Whos with what?

    That Blobfish Ziggy is FREAKING THE CRAP OUT OF ME!

    I couldn’t wait to get away from it, and kept scrolling.

  6. Derelict
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Basically, Granthony is the most bland, boring bag of oatmeal imagineable. Which makes him perfect for Liz since she has come to the realization that, since you only have one life on this Earth, you should strive to be both as bored and as boring as possible. Given Candace’s reaction, it look like Liz is on the road to success.

  7. alamo
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    now as i was saying from yesterthread –

    alamo says:

    August 23rd, 2007 at 9:45 pm

    Baby Blues — does this make rmmd a penivore?

  8. LTBF
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    It was obviously Anthony’s Patterson-like table manners that won Liz’s heart.

    Is that John in the background at the sandwich shop with the Pac-Man face?

  9. Jym
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    =v= Brad’s been hanging around the Foobs too much, what with his “‘er” ‘n’ all. Meanwhile, Anthony in panel two is dressed sorta like Brad, back in the day. Hey, he may be a fool, but he’s not a combination fool+boob!

  10. andreavis
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: lemme get this straight– Therese gets Granthony to grow a moustache so he doesn’t look twelve; stop dressing like he’s going to the beach; and to eat food without cramming it in his muppet piehole? Liz owes her BIG for breaking that dipshit in for her. Therese is my new hero!

  11. Chris Willie Williams
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    (Potentially) funny typographical note: The odd D’Nealian curlicues on the bottom-right sides of all the Us throughout the Spider-Man strip made some of them look like Hs to me on first glance. Lots of it wound up unintelligible, but the obtuse insult “He just looks like a guy in a padded shit to me!” made me giggle. It sounds like a punchline from a typically dated Jay Leno routine about that diaper astronaut translated into Dutch, Japanese, Judge Parker pseudo-French, and back again.

  12. LTBF
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    Why is Shmisa sitting next to Candace? I’d be getting as far away as possible before she stretched me out like Silly Putty again.

  13. alamo
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    foobville follies – this strip has morphed from the mundane and completely bland and worthless to the totally irrelevant and futile.

    isn’t this strip suppose to end sometime? do we have a happy date set yet?

    i found this on the official site:

    Take Our Survey
    Do you keep FBorFW clippings?

    Yep; on the fridge
    In my scrapbook / baby book
    In the office
    Somewhere else
    I save them up and mail them to someone

    i like the somewhere else — “the loo for those magic moments when i am out of charmin.”

  14. scan
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    J. Jonah Jameson got some “Jazz Hands” action in panel three

  15. brownsfan
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    The FOOB comic will wrap up with THE WEDDING; totally bland, boring suits and ties, all of the past characters present, completely vanilla toasts from Mike, John…..aghhhhhhhhhhhh

  16. Siduri
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    As far as ball-busting goes, “cut your sandwich in half” is pretty tame. Therese could have said, “You disgust me, espece de cochon! Your table manners are not fit for the brothel in which you were conceived!”

    Notice, too, how the food items in Antoinette’s hands are both rather phallic. I imagine the first draft called for AntonLeVey to be holding a wienerschnitzel, and for Therese to mash it with a copy of the Feminine Mystique.

  17. Herro!
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    Once again, Shiimsa is the most adorable/interesting thing in this strip. Candace is a close second, and Therese (accent mark accent mark), well, Therese (accent mark accent mark) is on a whole other plane.

  18. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    I really appreciate the Dorothy Parker links last thread. She was a very special lady.

    I wanted to name my daughter Dorothy since it’s so literary:

    Dorothy Parker
    Dorothy Sayres
    Dorothy and Toto…

  19. scan
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    So Liz’s flashbacks involve reading the thoughts of another woman?

  20. Lou Shumaker
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    If Blanthony had half a gonad, he would have told Therese where to stuff her suggestions (in a kindly, loving manner of course) and saved his marriage.

    Relationships are built on compromises, not letting your partner run roughshod over you.

    Instead, he showed himself to be completely whipped, which makes him acceptable marriage material amongst the Patterspawns.

  21. Calvin
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    16: “As far as ball-busting goes, “cut your sandwich in half” is pretty tame. Therese could have said, “You disgust me, espece de cochon! Your table manners are not fit for the brothel in which you were conceived!””

    That’s awesome! It would be even better if I knew what “espece de cochon” meant! Can anyone help me?

  22. migellito
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Nice… JJJ not only thinks he’s Dick Tracy, in the last panel he looks just like him.

  23. IdleDandy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    “Cochon” is pig!

    Hey, it’s been 14 years since I had a French class. I’m very proud of remembering that.

  24. Mack
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:48 pm [Reply]

    Hmm. After much consideration, I’ve decided I’d rather make out with the blobfish than the De-Mustached Wonder. Actually, there was very little consideration necessary, which is kind of sad.

  25. Eats Shoots And Leaves
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:50 pm [Reply]

    Ok, everyone hated and made fun of the moustache, but the lip fuzz that Therese bestowed upon Analthony the only thing that made his character remotely interesting or visually distinguishable from Mike, John and Elly. Besides it’s not like she wanted him to give up his family and home in a Northern village or give up his career flying helicopters. Hah, it’d take a REAL bitch to ask something like that.

  26. Lou Shumaker
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    Oh, and TJ’s reaction is entirely due to Brad passive-aggressively dropping a depth charge of a fart into the foam rubber. It’s gonna take three washings to get the stink of Taco Bell Cheeze-Whiz enchiladas out of his Mr. Roger’s-inspired highwaters.

  27. Beauregard Bugleboy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:53 pm [Reply]

    Is Liz trying to speak blank verse? Why does she pronounce “stopped” as a two-syllable word?

  28. GG
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:54 pm [Reply]

    Whoa, Candace got piercings AND a tattoo that can apparently be easily covered by a t-shirt and pants?! She’s hardcore to the maxxx! Just like Anthony with his rad anti-fashion shorts, man!

  29. mem
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy has obviously just learned that he is the malformed product of his crazed father’s plan to marry his own daughters and found the purest dynasty man has ever known, like Klaus Kinski in Aguirre, the Wrath of God.

    …too obscure for an introductory comment?

  30. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    Gott in Himmel! Ze fish! It is uncanny!

  31. Skulking on the Outskirts
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    5, Jeremy–I agree. When that…that…thing came up on my screen, I involuntarily recoiled about a foot back. Creeeeepy. And the resemblance to Ziggy was….disturbing. I’ve just recently started to follow Ziggy, because it keeps being brought up here, but I may have to give it up now. Brrrrrr.

  32. wocket
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. Piercings and one single tattoo? Wild, man. Absolutely wild.

  33. Uncle Lumpy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:57 pm [Reply]

    #32 wocket –

    Yeah, but it was both ears!

  34. Lynngineering
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy: Josh the damn fish is …sublime. Scrolling down on todays page after yesterdays thread, is sort of the CC equivalent of the end of “La Dolce Vita” where the revelers (here finished with a Greek myth thread as well) are walking along the beach and come across a big, dead sting-ray that the sea has regurgitated for them to contemplate – bam! in your face like. Not unlike the cat who brings home a “trophy” catch, or at least the head, and leaves it at the front door of the house for the owner to discover, a subtle reminder that all their “domestication” is still unable to fully supress their wild heritage, as animals: speaking of which, what is Ziggy? I mean, Ziggy is to Monster as ….

    speaking of which: Anthony

    FBOFW: Still nothing posted for Friday that I found, but I wanted to repeat how much Anthony looks like Michael’s brother, a wish-fulfillment of some incest in the family as well. We got Anthony’s shape shifting face and now the same is being done to “fill in” the gaping holes of his backstory, via the leitmotif of neurotic eating habits. IN general, all this “He was so uninhibited and free until SHE came in” could be applied directly to what Michael thinks of himself, in a world before DEE came in and stuck him with that family….After all who could forget his wonderful outburst about his family that never got him in trouble, nor a second thought. Had Thé Othér Mothér been given the same script as Michael, she would have been condemned as a witch.

    Waiting for the morning post to go on.

  35. migellito
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    For Worse : Oh my gods!! Anthony IS Anton LeVey.. or possibly LRon Hubbard… same difference really.

    Ziggy : I’m now puzzling over just what the genealogist’s remark means. Is he saying Ziggy has no hope of reproducing, so his family tree only goes back through time? Is he saying he was completely unable to find any trace of ancestors for Ziggy, so his family tree has to begin with him? It all turns on what he means by ‘up.’

    On an interesting side note, my mom once told my mother in law she was a genealogist. My mother in law thought she meant gynecologist. Hilarity ensued… but only for me and my wife.

  36. Sly Robbie
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: The horror! Therese tried to get Anthony to stop eating with his hands, and to discover what a fork and knife are for. She would make him take out the garbage. She even insisted Anthony take off his muddy shoes before treading on the new carpet. Mon dieu! Good thing he will soon be joined to a Patterson woman who will NEVER nag him about anything whatsoever.

  37. joe
    August 23rd, 2007 at 10:59 pm [Reply]

    dude, you missed 2 obvious ass jokes. Well, setups for the butt jokes are in there…. you would have to find the actual jokes.
    1) You can’t call a villain The Shocker by name, then use the word “Butt” 2 panels later. “Shocker” and “Butt” shouldn’t even appear on the same printed page.
    2) From the look on TJ’s face, I would say that he has one of those many chair-accessories up his Wazoo

  38. LTBF
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    If all he can grow is a lame mustauche, Anthony is no Patterson. John and Mike have heavy growths of beards overnight.

  39. F.
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    Clearly, Ziggy found out that said fish is actually his ancestor.

  40. TK
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    Only nerds eat bananas, while wearing shorts and a t-shirt and a worried expression. Only FOOLS eat bananas without a ‘stache to catch those banana strings that come off.

  41. True Fable
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    My dear Lynnie J,

    Your ability to leave yourself wide open, both figureatively and literally speaking, could stun a charging Patterson. I am therefore forced to take the high road and not go for the easy snark. I’m not certain if you can appreciate the sacrifice but I will acquiesce and do so.

    Ah, but that is ALL I will agree to, my adipose pet. Lips that touch whine will never touch mine, or so the tired old chestnut goes. I’m sure you’ll find a way to work it into an incredibly convoluted Sunday strip just so it can appear in the last panel. You’re so predictable, so tub-thumpingly smug, my little blackened corn smut, and that is the key to the problem ‘twixt you and me.

    The Fable needs imagination; the Fable desires edginess; most valued of all, your little Truman demands firmness, rounded and shapely and pinchable.

    Don’t be sad, my precious little hard ribbon candy in the M&M bowl of life. I’m sure you once had all those things, back when your comic was funny and surprising and glurg-free. But like your stories, I can no longer suspend my disbelief enough to take you into my tender embrace and play with you until every fiber of your wrinkled, pasty-white being screams “O Canada!”

    And please, do not grow a moustache on my account, sweet buffalo chip. The Fable doesn’t take moustache rides; you must have me confused with Michael Patterson! That is an insult my soul cannot bear. I… I am wounded beyond belief!

    And you said you loved me! LIES!

    Suffer, bitch. Your saggy arms with never know these Fabled charms.

    Truman A. Fable
    cut to the quick!

  42. Sly Robbie
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

    ZIGGY: What the genealogist is saying is that there is a centuries-old breeding program to create a prescient superhuman — and male equivalent to a Bene Gesserit — called the Kwisatz Haderach. And then there are the genetic mistakes, where the breeding has gone in the other direction, hence the mutated, barely-recognizable-as-human blob that is Ziggy.

  43. Rhekarid
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:08 pm [Reply]

    At least the blobfish has something that Ziggy will never have: human eyes. Deep, soulful, terrifying human eyes.

  44. sally
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:09 pm [Reply]

    “My borther kept me informed about Anthony. . . .”

    Um — How exactly did Michael know Therese’s thoughts? And why? Unless she was unloading during the afterglow of their adulterous encounters, seems a little unlikely, no?

    Hey — maybe Mike is Francie’s real father! That would be tres cool.

  45. Irishman
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    The Shocker is clearly pulling a good portion of his one-piece out of the crack of his ass in the first panel.

  46. Lobsterchicky
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    Is anyone else at all worried that The Shocker stole his suit from Lady Miss Kier in the “Groove is in the Heart” video? If he busts out the slide whistle I’m going to suspect he’s been watching “RetroJams” on Channel 19 on Friday nights.

  47. Red Greenback
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    #14 scan- J. Jonah Jameson is doing the “reverse SOW” , or the “Huge Vagina” gesture, I daresay.

  48. gattican
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    Since family trees usually go “down” through time, it seems to me that the genealogist is telling ziggy he’ll never have kids…not that that’s really a genealogist’s job. But I guess if I met ziggy I’d probably be unable to refrain from telling him the same thing.

  49. Rainbird
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    #16 GG But she did used to look more intense, so what Liz is saying, is wrong.

    I can’t find a picture of how her friend used to look, as I don’t think the archives go back quite that far, but here is where she got the idea for the lists for a mate.

  50. Cedar
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    I can’t be the only one who remembers myriad strips in which Elly shrieks and hollers over John’s godawful choice of clothing, generally considering of some type of plaid pant. I assumed being demanding about your husband’s clothing choices was something Liz was all to eager to do when she got married.

    I love that one of the complaints is that Anthony ate like a pig, considering Tuesday’s strip of Liz grossly stuffing her face while talking to Candace. Silly Therese! Doesn’t she realize that eating sloppily makes you a down to earth, humble person?

  51. Rainbird
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:17 pm [Reply]

    Opps, meant #28, for GG. This is what I get for not writing things down as I read.

  52. Trotzenbonnie
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    #47 – Red
    Thanks for clearing that up. I thought he was just crushing the cameraman’s head.

  53. Dingo
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    Okay, I don’t know if they’ll include it but I wrote on Lynn’s coffee klatch and ended my comments with “Go Thérèse!”

    I dare the bitch to print it.

  54. beergoggles
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    foob: elizabeth trust her brother–the writer? i smell the unreliable narrator –
    i can picture it now -
    “you’re marrying up with anthony over what i wrote? I was just developing a character for my next epic… i needed some blank idiot to project my pathetic live on… dee was yanking my chain about being with the kids, acting professional… that jerk was screwing some fat waitress behind his wife’s back…”

  55. Rusty
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    Therese married a boy, and made him a man. But, you can’t change people, so it’s back to being an adolescent geek.

    Liz will never make him cut the grinder in half. (It’s a grinder here in CT, in Canada what do they call a submarine sandwich? Back bacon on a long roll?).

    Luann: Yeah, watch out for the rage of an argyle-vest wearing poofta like TJ.

  56. bats :[
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:29 pm [Reply]

    29. mem: nope, the Aguirre reference works for me.
    (A great movie…but then any movie with monkeys is a great movie…)

    41. TF: not only is LJ ribbon candy in the M&Ms bowl of life — she’s dusty ribbon candy. No one actually eats the stuff, but it’s too peculiar to just throw away.

  57. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    Somewhere, Candace’s mother is smiling. “Heh – she thought I couldn’t change her – yet here she is telling that festering pile of inanity Elizabeth that every time I tried to, she’d go get yet another piercing or tattoo. Silly thing – but she should be grateful. After all, my massive investments in Amalgamated Tattoo Inks, PierceCo Surgical-Grade Steel, and Dumbass ‘Neo-Primitive’ Pointy Things, Inc. has made me rich – and paid for her education… Just keep on telling yourself you won’t do anything your mom suggests, honey…”

  58. LTBF
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    Now we learn it was all the accent mars’ mother who is to blame. Just like Deanna, Shawna-Marie and Candace, everyone’s mother is an evil, controlling bitch. Except for Elly, of course.

    Only an idiot would buy a house from a friend. Example A, John Patterson. Buying a house from your boss is equally stupid.

  59. Jana C.H.
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    Shiimsa, being a Mtig kitty, plans to abandon Liz the way Liz ran out on her Mtig boyfriend and students. She’s checking out Candace as a possible new meal ticket.

    Jana C.H.
    Curiosity was framed. Ignorance killed the cat.

  60. Trilobite
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    What Liz’s retelling of Anthony’s memories of Therese’s actions leaves out is that Therese didn’t really mind that Anthony looked like a fool. It’s not like she said that out loud, after all (and unlike Liz, she is certainly bright enough to know that no one can actually hear her thoughts and therefore does not waste her time merely thinking things she ought to be saying).

    No, I think Therese was just making an observation, as part of her scientific study of the Canadian Superdweeb. She probably kept a notebook full of her collected data, in which every day contains the notes “looks like a fool” and “is still embarrassed yet visibly aroused when he eats a banana.”

  61. NotThatGuy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    Foob: I’m liking Thèrése more and more in this look back at her marriage to Anthony. What I’m not understanding is how Candace can possibly think she “took Anthony for all she could get!”

    I mean, she left him the moustache, didn’t she?

  62. AmandaTheGreat
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    …So if she and Anthony are such great friends, then why did her brother “keep her informed”? Ah, the intricate webs of deception and mistrust that spice up life in Milborough.

  63. Francis
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    The hell? Is the Shocker waiting for a taxi, or what? Seriously, this is like the first rule of robbing a bank: if you didn’t bring your own vehicle, don’t steal more than you can carry.

  64. True Fable
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    I really don’t know why Liz is so smug in panel 5. Talk about not changing! – Liz is copying her mother in every way – hair bun, big ass, self-pity, demanding instant and everlasting love & gratitude, granny glasses, spiritless breasts, a future of marrying a complete dolt and cranking out shitty little brats who only think of themselves.

    Mgtikitokitikitoki was your chance to change and you blew it, Liz. Fuck you and your smugness.

  65. NotThatGuy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    #56 Bats :[, we had a cat who would jump up on the table and pee in the crystal bowl on the ribbon candy. I always assumed this is why no one ever eats the stuff.

  66. King Folderol
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy – “Family Tree Genealogy” is a pretty redundant name for a business, doncha think? What’s next in the world of Ziggy, a store called “Anal Enemas” or “Vaginal Dildos”?

    Spidey -Why is the cameraman afraid of getting a close-up of The Shocker? Does his expertise in cameras provide him with knowledge of the arcane art of video recording that I don’t have? Can the Shocker actually get closer to the cameraman simply because he’s hit the zoom button?

  67. Trilobite
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    Man, I keep going back to look at that blobfish; what I really can’t get over is how much funnier it is than Ziggy!

    If I had a blobfish (and a good set of gloves), I’d totally be using it as a puppet and making little movies with it. In terms of raw entertainment value, I’ll take a blobfish over a stack of Ziggy compilations every single time.

  68. LTBF
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    Anthony said when accent marks left she let him have the house and Suiggly C. What exactly did she take?

    I’m going to take the unpopular syand of defending Anthony. When he told Liz to “wait for him”, I don’t think he was planning adultry. He knew his wife was fooling around and was waiting for the right time to dump her.

    Of course, he didn’t have the guts to kick her butt to the curb, so he had to wait for her to move out.

  69. Moxonan
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    “He looks like a fool today.”

    I think we can drop a word.

  70. NotThatGuy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    Also, count me in as another blobfish fan.

  71. NotThatGuy
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    MW: Get a load o’ Drew’s Kafka-esque Romance Dissolver! Go Drew!

  72. True Fable
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    #68 LTBF – What did Therese take? Evidently all taste, eloquence, decorum, sense and gentility. Not that the Pattersons would notice or care.

  73. Siduri
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    “Espece de chochon” (there should be an accent grave on the second E) means “species of pig”. Kind of how we’d call someone “you pig”, not just “pig”.

  74. BigTed
    August 23rd, 2007 at 11:59 pm [Reply]

    For an English teacher, Elizabeth sure isn’t very good at interpreting obvious symbolism. “He looks like a fool today,” Thérèse thinks as Anthony holds an erect banana. “Honey, you should cut that in half!!” she cries as he handles a long, sturdy sandwich.

    Clearly, Thérèse is looking to cut something down of Anthony’s down to size, and it isn’t his lunch.

  75. True Fable
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:01 am [Reply]

    I think I’m going to wander off and work on another Mark Trail fanfic. The one was downright handy in terms of breaking the boredom of waiting for a serial strip to move forward.

  76. BigTed
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    … Or maybe she’s not so worried about Anthony’s own equipment, but that he seems so interested in stuffing bananas and long sandwiches into his mouth.

  77. Eleusis
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    I find the whole ‘Let’s Slander Thérèse’ debacle as horrifying as the next person, but I must admit that if she did indeed force Anthony to grow that heinous moustache, she deserves a bit of tarring and feathering.

  78. True Fable
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    (WT)DT OMG, Friday’s Panel Two is the BEST!!

  79. Frank Parsnip
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    Ziggyfish: Ewww….

    MT: Homer is an “old fool” for many reasons — the others at least have construction helmets ca. 1938 but Homer’s cloth-cap noggin-protecting gear dates from the 1890s at least.

    MW: Panel two’s dark shading on Dr. Drew looks like he was drawn by Dan Clowes. I honestly wish Dan would take over this strip and make the people both more pimply and more sweaty.

    MF: Time for a cross-over between Mallard Fillmore and Mark Trail — perhaps we can all learn something about duck abortion through this. However, looking at the recent stream of anti-teacher comics I find some of “facts” asserted a bit dumb and flat wrong. Our educational system is not perfect, but neither was it in the past — there might be romantic notions about how those old school marms taught the “three Rs” so well, but those were also days when blacks couldn’t sip at the same water fountain as whites. Fine and well to have romantic notions but to spend a week railing on teachers seems a bit much.


    Dr. Lemony McYellowhair: “You must’ve heard through the hospital grapevine about my horrible divorce last year … How she left me chained to the front porch with nothing on me but a pair of handcuffs and a rubber ball in my mouth? Well, that plus she jammed a great big latex… ”

    Tommie: “Yes, I heard all about it.”

    Dr. LMY: “And how I was out there for a full week while Chinese tourists threw coins at me and prodded me with sticks to get me to move…”

    Tommie: “Yes…”

    Dr. LMY: “Well, if you go to dinner with me I promise not to talk about some of the other things that Therese did to me when she left me for some simpering milquetoast Canadian.”

    Blondie: Time for Dagwood’s boss to act on that shaving impulse. I want to know if the antennae bleed when cut.

    RMMD: Rex Morgan’s hands-free mobile phone setup requires him to speak into the back seat of his car while he drives? Mightly inconvenient.

  80. Dingo
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:32 am [Reply]

    Okay, folks. I feel I can finally report some good news. I sent out an email to most people I know asking them to be in Grant Park on Tuesday and… one of the people who responded was my old boss at Columbia College (Chicago). She asked if I had a day job yet and offered me the opportunity of teaching a course in Photoshop and Illustrator this coming semester. It won’t pay much but it’ll allow me to have something academic on my resume after the infamous Waubonsee Community College where I was shown the door for expecting my students to actually do work. The course meets one day a week on Monday afternoon. That means that I could work freelance jobs like the one I just had at McDonald’s corporate HQ or continue with my product demonstrations. I don’t have to take the job at Wal*Mart!!! This will pay about two-thirds the amount per week in three hours instead of forty. But, for you academics out there, when I apply for my doctorate I can have more teaching on my resume and CV instead of Wal*Mart’s photo department. No benefits but I’m happy with the scenario.

    To quote Maggie Smith, “I think sexual intercourse is in order.”

  81. Dingo
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:34 am [Reply]

    After reading today’s FOOB, all I can say to Liz Patterson is that a few years ago, a young couple got married of a purity and a nobility scum like you just can’t comprehend. And now, thanks to you, they’re finished. Revel in the mud, you swine.

  82. Proteus
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:36 am [Reply]

    June Morgan: Note To Self. Sweetie, you’ve been through at least three hellacious days, including a car bombing and waiting in line at the DMV. Don’t you think its time to change into a clean shirt?

  83. Dingo
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    Okay, I know that I’m alone in admitting this but… I would so do Luann’s brother, Brad. He’s the Rolf of the strip. Hell, he’s the Rolf of many strips. If he delivered a newspaper to Rose is Rose, she’d have him in the bedroom as Lucky Pierre so fast he wouldn’t know what hit ‘im until the lube was halfway dried.

  84. Lynngineering
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    Michael keeping Liz up to date on Anthony

    Liz to Michael “did u hear anything new about Anthony?”

    Michael: “mmm…don’t know… Yeah I guess…”

    Liz: “Like, does she manipulate him, I mean, it just looks like that, does she?”

    Michael: “huh? who? oh- Anthony, yeah, sure…”

    Liz: “I know he never would have changed that way he dressed up so casual before, that has got to be her taking over. Did he say anything about what a bitch she is?”

    Michael: “wha…? you still asking about whatshisname. Yes, sure, whatever!”

    Liz: “And that mustache – he never needed a mustache, it looks stupid. Did he mention anything about growing it – everyone says its her – it has got to be her right?”

    Michael: “who? Or FOR GODS SAKE Liz shut up, you’re distracting me from work on my novels. These characters back stories dont write themselves!”

  85. mumbles
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    FOOB: It looks like Granthony’s digging a shallow grave in the first panel. No doubt for that whore-shrew who dares, DARES, to want to live in the city. The CITY, people!

    He bought Gordon’s house? Seriously this is the most incestuous group of friends, ever.

    And shame on Candace. Here I was thinking she was the readership’s stand-in. Et tu, Candace?

    And I agree with posters (e.g. Beergoggles) who question why Liz is relying on Michael’s account. When the story turns to Granthony letting Therese freeze in the snow and running off with a handsome artist, then yes, we’ll know she’s being misled.

    As for (DT)GT, I’ve seen “Colombo” episodes that were longer than this storyline. I give those guys credit. Kaz solved that mystery in the time it took Dr. Cory to make it to first base in Mary Worth.

  86. Albuqwirkymom
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Please join the Foobiverse for a moment of silence for the loss of Candace O’Hallaran, the last remaining voice of sensibility and reason in the strip.

    And the ziggyfish is creepy. Ew.

  87. Trilobite
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    Friday’s comics aren’t fit to wrap a blobfish in, really:

    A3G: Tommie heard something about them having dinner and him not talking, and she’s so thrilled by the thought that she’s almost showing an emotion other than “dull confusion”! Even if Dr. Joe literally meant “I’m not going to say a single word to you throughout the entire meal,” it’d still be the hottest date she’s ever had.

    Dick Tracy: I love how both Dick Tracy and Agent O’Brien react to the news that they were tricked by the Russian agents in the car behind them — by immediately making fists. “We’ve been duped! Let’s punch them!”

    Gil Thorp: I guess today’s comic shows us all why Shakespeare never wrote a line about the fury of a drummer scorned. Ooh, don’t cross Cliff, or he’ll write disparaging notes to you and then whine ineffectually! I think Cliff actually shrinks as he gets angrier — he’s like the Anti-Hulk. It’s a good thing Coach Kaz was there to team up with the Giant Disembodied Hand and hold him back!

    Mary Worth: Oh, Drew…you’ve lived how many years in Santa Royale, and you still think that ANYONE there can “get the hint”? I defy you to name a single person in the entire history of this comic who has ever figured something out without having it spelled out in explicit detail by some meddling old biddy. Oh, wait…what am I thinking? Of course Drew doesn’t realize that no one in this comic is capable of understanding subtle hints…he’d need Mary to explain that to him.

    I’m just worried about the strip I know is coming, the one after Dawn goes to Mary to discuss how sad she is about Drew being so distant, and after Vera goes to Mary to gloat about how she’s having wild monkey sex with Drew: when Mary realizes that she set this entire stupid love triangle in motion and is the only person who knows the whole story, the sheer force of her meddlegasm will probably crack the Earth’s crust like an eggshell and kill us all.

  88. Trilobite
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    #87 — Before the lit majors jump all over me, yeah, I know (well, I know now, anyway) that William Congreve wrote the “hell hath no fury” line, not Shakespeare.

    I apologize the misattribution: I know the last thing anyone needs when trying to read Gil Thorp is more confusion.

  89. Poteet
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    MW — I think it is TOTALLY KEWL the way Drew in the second panel looks just like the loonytunes father in the final scenes of the Stephen-King-approved TV miniseries version of THE SHINING, which I, being at one time slightly obsessed with THE SHINING, watched every single minute of, even though I know that the movie, which I watched three times, is considered definitive, although King himself wasn’t so crazy about it. Of course in the miniseries, the facial shading is actually blood, eww, but in terms of a fundamentally shaky grip on reality, methinks Drew and Daddy Torrence aren’t really that far apart. (And I”ve recovered now, thanks.) (Pretty much.) (And I usually can’t deal with horror movies at all, so why this one utterly fascinated me, I don’t know.)

  90. Trilobite
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:57 am [Reply]

    #88 — I even apologize for the misattribution!

    (jeez, first the Shakespeare gaffe, now a typo…I’m putting my keyboard away before I do any more damage.)

  91. Poteet
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    # 89 — Okay, so I taped the miniseries and watched it twice. Big deal.

  92. Poteet
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    # 91 — Okay, so in total I watched the movie four times and the miniseries three times, but there’s still nothing wrong with me, really.

  93. Old Bean
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    Blobfish will tell us what to do!

    Friday FBOFW: Panel three’s my favourite, where Thérèse, shell-shocked after hearing Liz’s smug, ‘caring’, Psych-101 character-assassination voice-over, is soothed by a gentle duet from her loving parents. ‘Ah, ma cherie, don’t let this Anthony, these Pattersons destroy your spirit. They fear the bird uncaged. Sit down, my sweet. Your papa and I shall sing for you like we did when you were young.’

    Hey, wasn’t Liz a fracking English teacher? ‘Being an only child, I think she did many things for their sake.’ Misplaced modifier much? Not to mention: butt-ugly, unnaturally-constructed sentence much? I fear for Canada’s youth. k thnx bye

  94. Helena Handbasket
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    #29, Mem: I actually think we’re looking at an “Arthur Jermyn” scenario where Ziggy has discovered that his grandfather married a blob fish, and he’s the result.

    Also, I go away for a week and come back to something like 10,000 posts to catch up on; don’t you people sleep?!

  95. Poteet
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    # 92 — All play and no sleep makes Poteet a dull sheep. All play and no sleep makes Poteet a dull sheep. G’night all.

  96. Dub Not Dubya
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    More information on the blobfish can be found on the Internet, specifically on the site where I found the picture:

    The link is called 25 Worlds Weirdest Animals. Some of them are kind of cute and might be antidotes for those squicked out by the blobfish. Others are just weird looking, like the site says. The blobfish is way down the page.

  97. rich
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    Ziggy: Most likely, the genealogist has uncovered the fact that the Zigster was conceived in a misguided lab experiment and had no relatives. (Note the absence of the human qualities the other man possesses — a normal nose, hair, ears…)

    Thus, his family tree can’t be traced backward. The only way for it to go is forward — “up.” And the final look of horror on Ziggy’s face just shows him realizing, once again, that no woman on earth is ever, ever going to reproduce with him.

  98. Frank Parsnip
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    Jugs Parker: Where’s the quid pro quo in Flattop McMullet guaranteeing the price of Caeser’s investment? McMullet wants Caeser involved in the winery so badly that he’s willing to make promises to Caesar about the price that other people are willing to sell their stock for? What for? WTF? WWJD? (what would jugsparker do?)

    Busty Duncan must have had a great time drafting up that “Letter of Intent”.

    Busty (drafting aloud): “Hmmm… Flattop McMullet (hereinafter ‘party of the first part’) promises to try to get Sam to sell out his shares to Caesar (heinafter ‘party of the best part’) at an extra low price that disregards the flow of information in an efficient market or even the flow of information between the party of the first part and Sophie when the party of the first part gets miffed about Sophie’s statements on ‘global warming’ myth. If party of the first part cannot trick Sam or another minority shareholder into selling out his shares at an artifically low price, then the party of the first part promises to guarantee to sell off his own shares to party of the best part at that discounted rate.”

    Flattop: What do I get out of it?

    Busty: Well, basically if you can’t help Caeser buy the shares cheaply from somebody else then you get the privilege of selling yours to him at that discounted rate.

    Flattop: Where do I sign?

  99. Virginia
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    First off-and I apologize if someone has mentioned this and I’m merely stating the obvious-but no lie, when I glanced at it, I was all, Who is this manly chick? Oh it’s TJ, sorry, I meant feminine man. Please open your eyes asshat.

    Everytime I reached the lowest circle of hell, FOOB takes me one level deeper.

  100. Frank Parsnip
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:38 am [Reply]


    TJ: “Well, ya got accessories up my wazoo, but the chair itself? Totally uncomfortable.”

    Brad: “Yeah, well, let me hit this switch…”

    TJ: “OOooooooooo….autolube is good.”

  101. IdleDandy
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:40 am [Reply]

    You know you’ve been reading CC if… you read Funky Winkerbean and it has nothing to do with cancer, which somehow makes it… less funny. That’s twisted, right?

    Instead FW brings back lovely memories of band camp. Of course, my band was not exactly large nor prestigious. We won our competition at Disney World because we were the only band there that weekend in our class. Don’t think we wouldn’t have proudly shown off the First Place trophy if we hadn’t left it on the bus.

    The point of this flashback to my years swinging my flute side to side during the lengthy rest in the middle of “Louie Louie”? I marched for two years in Dinkle shoes. Only today, when I read FW’s mention of Harry Dinkle (and then hit Google) did I learn the origin of the name.

    Now I’m worried; do you think the shoes are also made of cancer?

  102. Prouster
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    When you’re a pantsless freak with a nose the size of a dinner plate, chances are you were raised in an institution somewhere. Ziggy is clearly trying to find his real parents, in the desperate hope that someone, anyone, out there might love him. He’s just been told that they died at their home near Chernobyl shorty after his mom gave birth and just before the Soviets evacuated the entire region.

  103. IdleDandy
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:50 am [Reply]

    One Big Happy: Ruthie is actually insane. This is more than a little disturbing. She’s actually a paranoid schizophrenic, or maybe bipolar. I remember reading a NY Times Endpaper thingy (the back of the Magazine) many years ago that examined the effects of psychiatric drugs on comic strips. Calvin takes Thorazine and throws Hobbes in the trash. Cathy takes Xanax and doesn’t freak out about swimsuits. Charlie Brown takes Prozac and doesn’t get upset about Lucy and the football. It seems like there was a fourth. Maybe Dennis the Menace on Ritalin?

    Anyhow, I think Ruthie needs lithium.

    On a related note, the OBH at the Chron is different from the one on Yahoo, which is different from the one at Three different strips on one day. Very weird.

  104. Donald The Anarchist
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    Ziggy Obviously Ziggy has gone to those masters of genea logy, the Mormons, who regret to inform him that there is a blood curse on his lineage that makes the ones on black people and Indians look like walks in the park. No eternal salvation for Ziggy; luckily the genetic horror stops with him.

    BTW, a Mormon girl who was trying to convince me to attend her church informed me that there are three Mormon heavens, and apparently in one of them, people are more like fish than anything else, so it all ties together. (She also told me that Satan himself had made a direct attempt to keep her from becoming a Latter-Day Saint, so I can’t vouch for how reliable a witness she was…)

    S-M Why do I get the idea this is gonna end up like the South Park where all the main characters ook askance at the main storyline and say,”I think it’s best if I don’t get involved.” (It’s the one w/ Christopher Reeve and Jimmy and Timmy joining the Crips.)

    LuAnn Poor TJ. Only 19 and already has hemorrhoids. Guess that WASN’T the easiest twenty bucks he ever made…

    FOOB That Candace is a rebel and she’ll never be any good. I’m almost melancholy to think that a girl telling me she got her clit pierced nowadays doesn’t elicit much more than a yawn. I’ll still gladly LOOK, but it’s not especially shocking. Personally, I thing the damn things get in the way more than anything else, but that’s just me…

  105. ChristyNell
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:30 am [Reply]

    Friday’s FOOB: I don’t know about you guys, but those images of sad, sad Therese gazing in shock at her bland suburban life, remembering how she once promised herself she would never end up like this, are yanking my heartstrings like crazy. Apparently, before she married Anthony, she lived in London. London! Poor girl.

  106. Eaquae Legit
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    MW: I finally realised tonight that Dawn and Vera were two different people. Maybe I should start reading the strip itself instead of just what gets posted here.

  107. IdleDandy
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:04 am [Reply]

    104. Interesting you mention the Mormons and geneaology. My dad has been doing extensive, largely successful research on his family tree for a few years. However, a major complication when he began was that my grandmother’s maiden name was the maiden name of one of Joseph Smith’s wives. Big mess.

    My dad also found that random ancestors of ours have been posthumously baptized as Mormons, which of course is the entire point of their geneaology obsession. If I put any stock in posthumous baptism I would be very offended by that. I would love to go to those websites and write, “Ha ha! I just baptized them back to Anglican/Methodist/Presbyterian/Quaker/whatever they were…” And then my ancestors would get yanked out of the Celestial Kingdom and sent down to the lower level heaven, where they could finally get a decent cup of coffee after all these years.

    (Disclaimer: I have several Mormon friends. I have general respect for the religion, but if anyone tries to convert me after I’m dead, I’m going to come back and haunt them but good.)

  108. athena
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:12 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: I too taught my first husband how to dress himself so that I wasn’t embarrassed to be seen in public with him (he wore a Three Stooges t-shirt and black polyester pants with sneakers–’nuff said). I taught him not to talk with his mouth full and not to grab food off serving plates with his hands. And now his second wife probably says I “took him for everything he had”, which would have been easy, as he didn’t have anything to take. Yes, I am Therese!

    MW: What is that schmutz on Dr. Cory the Younger’s face: the Black Smudge of Guilt?

  109. Spotted HØrse
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:20 am [Reply]

    Hey howdy, ‘mudges True Fable, Squid Countess, SecretMargo, Big Sims, and others who weighed in on Batiuk’s craphead topic a couple of threads ago.

    A family mini-crisis took me offline for a couple of days, and also even in the best of times I am a slow groper and sifter of ideas, so often I don’t post even about the stuff that makes me think the most. But… just wanted to say that I appreciate the heartfelt sharing and searching that everyone did on that thread. Great work, interesting insights everybody, and y’all were totally right about Batiuk playing with the issue just to rile us. He just dropped the issue to get back into wacky Depression era oldster financial larfs such as shoe-boxes full of “pass-books”, mattresses full of “green-backs”.

    Oh, well, more cute mommy duckies, Mule! Hope to see you all snarking this weekend!

  110. Spotted HØrse
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:22 am [Reply]

    Oh, and one more thing: Therese at the piano in panel 3 = “Heart and Soul” over and over and over and over. Well, it would impress the crap out of Anthony!

  111. Mibbitmaker
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:23 am [Reply]


    S-M: I dunno, Shocker. I don’t think even you (choke-koff-koff-gag!!) could move those two’s giant, inflated egos! You’re padded toast.

    FC: Get your windshield wipers ready, people!!

    A3G: Tommie first rejected Gary for Mr. Mean Director, later suddenly found Gary desirable — now she’s thrilled at JOE asking her out, ready to reject Gar’ again. And I thought cinematic Olive Oyl was portrayed as cruelly fickle!

  112. Frank Parsnip
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:26 am [Reply]

    GT: Panel 1′s disembodied hand on Ben Franklin is the biggest one yet — a rough measurement based on its proportions leaves me thinking he’s got at least 10″ of fingers hanging there. According to the fish and game authorities, that’s a keeper.

    We know it’s a disembodied hand because he didn’t whip it out to start smacking Kaz around a-la Michel Gondry’s Foo Fighters “Everlong” video.

    If it had actually been his real hand then he could’ve out-Paganinied Paganini, out-Van-Haled Eddie and out-aced Liberace with fingers like that if he had moved to a different instrument. But now he’s going to be the Pete Best of this story instead of the Phil Collins…

  113. Baka Gaijin
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:42 am [Reply]

    83 Trilobite: I’m wearing “protection” in preparation for Mary’s meddlegasm. Damn, that’s a great word. Meddlegasm, meddleGASM, MEDDLEGASM!

  114. Hobbes Fan
    August 24th, 2007 at 4:24 am [Reply]

    Sorry if this has already been brought up, but does anyone else get the feeling that the point of this week’s FOOB is that ol’ Lynn’s trying to sell us on Anthony really, really badly, moreso than usual? I imagine by Saturday we’ll once again hear of how he courageously saved Liz from an attacker while he was stalking her from afar…aww, what a guy. I can’t wait for when Flashback FOOB starts, so we can then relive all fourteen wonderful panels of Asslips again and again.

    Liz’s Olive Oyl-esque swooning over Asslips reminds me of something in psychology called (if I’m remembering it correctly) the “drama triangle,” in which one has a conflict with someone and then falls in love with the person who helps them out of it. And at the same time, this phenomenon most definitely applies to Asslips, as it was Liz who helped him out of his relationship with Erica Kane there. Regardless of the perspective, the theory behind it is that it is a very unhealthy basis for any kind of romantic relationship, as the person isn’t really in love more than they are just grateful that someone saved them.

    And if FOOB has a mantra, it’s that nobody changes…EVER.

  115. TB Tabby
    August 24th, 2007 at 5:10 am [Reply]

    #96: Ah, geez, Dub…I was going to post this link. It even has a squid!

  116. Tracer Bullet
    August 24th, 2007 at 5:39 am [Reply]

    Every time Batiuk stops talking about cancer, I miss the cancer. Is that because I know that at some, admittedly unknowable and undoubtedly far off, point in the future the cancer strips have to end while he’s been doing band camp stories for damn near 30 years? Is it because he’s just so terrible at everything else that his ham-fisted and mawkish treatment of a fatal disese seems competent by comparison? Or is it just that my standards for entertainment have fallen through the floor? Funky Winkerbean has turned me into an existentialist.

  117. Sheilagh
    August 24th, 2007 at 5:55 am [Reply]

    This subtext in FOOB is creeping me out. “You can’t change people” — no one can ever learn table manners, establish boundaries with their parents, grow up, get over their high school sweetheart, or any damn thing. No, we’re all irremediably whoever we were at 12.

    Christ, what a load.

  118. Sheilagh
    August 24th, 2007 at 5:58 am [Reply]

    105, ChristyNell: Isn’t “London” in this context a smallish city in Ontario?

  119. Scherzo
    August 24th, 2007 at 6:03 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn Disturbing – Confusing – Somebody get me a thesaurus…
    9CL When I opened up my Chron page, 9CL was on top, as usual. I had just noted the booklet floating down to Francis and Dianne from the heavens when all of a sudden a book-shaped graphic fluttered in from the upper left of the screen. MCELDOWNEY HAS LEARNED TO ADD ANIMATIONS!?!!! No, just the Macy’s ad. Mac doesn’t have that much power in the universe yet. But the strip is funnier if you think that their “message from heaven” is actually from Macy’s.
    Archie Panel two. Wrong, wrong, wrong facial expression on Chuck. Can’t that durn machine get it right?
    Blondie I wish Dithers would shave Dag’s head.
    Cathy Sign of the End of the World: Cathy is on-point and funny today. Whodda thunk it?
    Crankshaft Oh, now they’re ganging up on her!
    Doonsbury When I was in art school, one of our assignments was to select a panel from a comic and do a Roy Lictenstein type of painting. I chose Asterix clobbering a Roman soldier three times his size ( “Excusez-moi!” BAF!). What does this have to do with this morning’s Doonsbury? I think I ought to assign myself to enlarge panel three to about 4 feet tall. “OK! Be like that. Death to you both!” “You too.”
    F Minus Ah, the ever-popular native Saturday Night Fever dance!
    Marmaduke will be going up in Vet offices across the country…
    MW Enter Drew the Cad!
    Non Sequitor will be going up in breakrooms and cubicle walls across the country, but will soon be ripped off by Upper Management.
    Pardon my Planet One of the most distubing things I’ve seen lately. Except for Pibgorn. Maybe that’s what Dru is doing to the Prof in Pigborn?
    Peanuts OK, Everyone — all together — Awwwwwwwwww
    Rose is Rose Alert! Jimbo finally has an appropriate reaction to Clem!

  120. man behind the curtain
    August 24th, 2007 at 6:04 am [Reply]

    FBOW — Enogh already. We get it. She’s no Mother Therese.

  121. Pozzo
    August 24th, 2007 at 6:10 am [Reply]

    Or else TJ, taking criticism to a new level, is taking a dump.

    And are you sure that’s a hat Ziggy is so despondently crushing between his moist, flabby hands? I can’t think of what else it could be, but I also can’t picture a hat that would fit on that globe he calls a head. I, myself, know the pain of not being able to easily find a hat that fits. At size 7 3/4, there isn’t a ballcap made that will fit me, at least among those given out for free at company picnics and the like. Yet even I can look at Ziggy and say, “Whoa, get a load of the melonhead!” Thank you Ziggy, for making me feel good about myself — again.

  122. Scherzo
    August 24th, 2007 at 6:11 am [Reply]

    BTW, a Mormon girl who was trying to convince me to attend her church informed me that there are three Mormon heavens, and apparently in one of them, people are more like fish than anything else, so it all ties together. (She also told me that Satan himself had made a direct attempt to keep her from becoming a Latter-Day Saint, so I can’t vouch for how reliable a witness she was…)

    And this is why Mormans aren’t considered part of mainstream Christianity…

  123. Tracer Bullet
    August 24th, 2007 at 6:28 am [Reply]

    “my little blackened corn smut”

    I have no idea what that means but I’m going to use it in every conversation I have from now on.

  124. TB Tabby
    August 24th, 2007 at 6:31 am [Reply]

    A3G: Oh no! Bespectacled, divorced, boring guys are becoming the new standard for love interests on the comics page! JOHNSTON, YOU MONSTER!

  125. willethompson
    August 24th, 2007 at 6:50 am [Reply]

    JP: “It wasn’t a contract – it was more like a letter of intent.” A letter of intent? In this case (guaranteeing the sale price of stock that isn’t mine), isn’t a ‘letter of intent’ about as legally binding as paper mache handcuffs? It’s like a prospect saying he’s gonna go to State U fer sure! Or calling no-punchbacks on a Punchbuggy! Man, I wish I had an all-purpose letter of intent for social situations…

    “Gee, thanks, Brenda, for agreeing to provide me with oral arousal! I know other guys have made this promise before, but as you can see, I’ve signed a letter of intent! Now if you’ll just initial the highlighted spaces while I remove my pants, we can proceed!”

    RMMD: If Rex is such a crusader for things like universal health insurance and prostate cancer screenings, shouldn’t he be aware that driving while talking on a cellphone offers the same chance of an accident as driving with a blood alcohol measurement of 0.10? Not only that, he’s looking BACKWARD!! That’s what the MIRROR is for, REX! TURN YOUR ASS AROUND!!!

  126. Uncle Lumpy
    August 24th, 2007 at 6:59 am [Reply]

    Contract shenanigans in Judge Parker make as much sense as boardroom shenanigans in Rex Morgan. I wish these people were real so I could bilk them.

  127. Klipper
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:05 am [Reply]



    So fair and foul a day I have not seen.

    The other guy:

    How far is’t call’d to this beach? What are these
    So heart-shaped and bubbly in their breasts and bottoms
    That look not like the inhabitants o’ the earth,
    and yet are on’t?

  128. ChristyNell
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:06 am [Reply]

    118: Huh, I wondered if there was a London in Canada. It could be, Sheilagh, but I prefer to imagine her jetting off to England on a regular basis. It increases Anthony’s loser status.

  129. Galactic Emperor Chennux®™©
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:06 am [Reply]






  130. Tommy Smarts
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    Pozzo #121 — That floppy looking thing Ziggy is holding so closely is one of its offspring, a Ziggyfish, which he will set free if only the geneology people can explain what it is and why his home is now full of them.

  131. j
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:09 am [Reply]


    The blobfish (Psychrolutes marcidus) is a fish that inhabits the deep waters off the coasts of Australia and Tasmania. Due to the inaccessibility of its habitat, it is rarely seen by humans.

    Blobfish are found at depths where the pressure is several dozens of times higher than at sea level, which would likely make gas bladders inefficient. To remain buoyant, the flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water; this allows the fish to float above the sea floor without expending energy on swimming. The relative lack of muscle is not a disadvantage as it primarily swallows edible matter that floats by in front it.

    Can a school of rabid blobfishes please end the misery of FOOB?

  132. Whippersnapper
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:17 am [Reply]

    Foob: The speed with which I went from cheering Candace on in panel 2 to despising her in panel 4 nearly knocked me out of my chair. Meanwhile, Therese’s character lays on the floor, gasping “Et tu, Candace?” Sorry babe, she’s friends with a Pattersaint. Even if she looked good for a while there, you had to know this was coming.

  133. Dr. Mad
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:19 am [Reply]

    FOOB Fri. makes me want to bite somebody – Candace says, ‘So finally Therese just took Anthony for all he was worth.” Now how do they figure that? He kept the house, the furniture, the kid, no mention of payments to the ex, so what did Therese take away from him? Her identity, sanity and self-esteem, sure, but I don’t think that’s what TurkeyJerky [AKA Lynn] means. No matter how often Lynn tells us that Therese is a grasping bitch and Asshatthony a long-suffering innocent I DO NOT BELIEVE IT! She thought of asshat as a dance partner, he wanted more and no matter how often she said he couldn’t have it he hung around and whined -sorta like Lynn w/ Sir Fable -but since T. doesn’t have the fortitude of True Fable, she caved and married the schlumpf. He captured her not the other way. The whole demonize Therese thing is just designed to provide both asshat and liz -who resembles Elly more each day -with the semblance of a personality. Remember Lynn -people can’t change! “Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself….” Sir A. Conan Doyle

  134. Krazy Kat
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:19 am [Reply]

    I’m beginning to like Thérèse more and more!! She’s a dancer, a musician, beautiful (in a French-Canadian sort of way) and she knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. Anthony had his chance to hitch his wagon to a star but he was happier wallowing in his self pity, pining away for the mudlump that is Elizabeth.
    If this is meant to make us feel pity for Anthony, it fails, I don’t even pity the bland, lifeless existence ahead of him.
    Thérèse is probably at a gallery opening in NYC tonight, dancing till three, sipping Crystal, dating a playwright and getting into heated arguments with Chistopher Hitchins. Anthony is calling Gordon to let his know his third quarter is finally reconciled and then touching up the paint on the garage before an early bed.
    Who do you admire more?

  135. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    Not much to snark upon… sorry, grammarmeisters, not much upon which to snark today. But…

    (WT)DT: How did Ivan Squintsky the Russian goon manage to throttle the CIA driver, toss him out the passenger door, and get control of the car from the BACK seat, all without swerving, crashing or even visibly slowing the car? Is Gretchen driving by remote with her chip?

  136. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    A3G: Does this mean that if she doesn’t go to dinner with him, he will talk about his divorce?

  137. man behind the curtain
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:28 am [Reply]

    MW — Don’t worry Dr. Drew. As soon as Dawn sees those black splotches on your face you won’t have to break up with er. of course, vera might not be too fond of it either.

    A3G — Divorced, Used goods. I’m sorry but there will be no sloppy seconds for our girl Tommie. This relationship is doomed.

    RMMD — Panel 1, I love the well-positioned blouse burst over June’s left breast.

  138. dreadedcandiru2
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    #132, #133, #134. Here’s the really sickening part of this whole deal: Therese’s parents were on Assthony’s side during her marriage. Not only does she have the slimy little buttmunch trying his damnedest to turn her into Elizabeyotch, she’s got Maman et Papa telling her that waithout a home and a kid, she’s strictly from Nowheresville. I’ll bet that they were siding Creepola in the dee-vorce to such an extent that she gave up everything she put into the marriage just to be able to talk to them.

  139. Little Guy
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    FOOB “Her mom desparately wanted grandchildren, and her dad kept saying that a house was a good investment.” Why is Liz bringing up her folks into this?

    Someone tell LJ that this is making Therese sympathetic for having the typical non-Patterson parents Demanding Parents From Hell. This’ll make her throw the baby out into the snow.

    GA: I’m waiting for Slim to start stalking Shaq and Michael Jordan. That is all.

  140. j
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:34 am [Reply]

  141. ChristianPinko
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Ziggy – Maybe Ziggy is horrified because he’s learned that he’s related to the fish. Isn’t there an H. P. Lovecraft story about a town of people who interbred with a race of sea monsters?

    FOOB – Therese agreed to bear a child just to please her parents, eh? Hmmm, who else in FOOB lets her parents dictate her life . . . marries the boy that Mom has been pushing on her for years . . . man, it’s on the tip of my tongue, it’s some girl with a big butt, hair in a bun, sloppy eater . . .

    willethompson (#125) – I think that calling no-punchbacks on a Punchbuggy is in fact legally binding. You should call Harvey Richards, Lawyer for Children, if you want to check this.

  142. Girl Randolf
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    I really thought it couldn’t get worse. I thought I had seen it hit rock-bottom. I was wrong. I might actually have to stop reading this strip if Johnston doesn’t shut up already.

    Liz deserves Anthony. She’s just as sexist as he is. What would Mizz Jones say? She’d probably skin Liz alive. I hope Dear Elizabeth spends the next 20 years having child after child for Anthony until her body is so slack and raw that she hates herself, Granthony, her mother and anyone who ever uttered the phrase “Anthony is stable and reliable”.

    What the hell did Theresa take from Anthony? Her designer handbag and shoe collection? Her dignity? Anthony still has the house and seems to be doing ok. His child looks fed and well dressed. It is possible his horrible clothing indicates that he HAS to buy his clothing at the local Sally-Ann. But I doubt it. Besides poverty is no excuse for not being able to tie your tie properly.

    Theresa didn’t take the kid. She didn’t take his moustache with her. Just what did she take Lynn? I don’t imagine Anthony was or is worth much – either literarily or metaphorically. Scratch that. He probably has life insurance so IS worth something dead.

    Under Ontario Law, Theresa is ENTITLED to include the marital home as a part of her property in the accounting of their stuff. (I won’t go into the intricacies of the system.) So she’s basically entitled to half of the house.

    Since Theresa was so interested in her career advancement, she probably contributed to the mortgage and any extras. So that was HER money she was taking back anyway.

    And I assume she pays child support since here we have a pretty good system that deducts it right off your pay if you have an ordinary job with an ordinary pay cheque. (ie, you’re not self employed or freelancer).

    Screw you Lynn! Take your shit and bury it in a hole out back like polite people who crap in public. There should be an obligatory poop and scoop rule for comics.

  143. willethompson
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:44 am [Reply]

    MW “I can’t tell Dawn I’m breaking up with her! As I become less available to her, she’ll get the hint! It’s easier this way, really! To avoid an ugly scene, this is the best way!”

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HOHOHOHOHO! HAHAHA! Whoooooo! Uff! (whew) Man, Dr. Cory, you made me spit my kidneys out! Guys, have you EVER known a situation where this plan ACTUALLY WORKED and didn’t somehow result in a screaming confrontation, crying/cursing phone calls at 3 am, your car getting vandalized, a botched suicide or a pet bunny getting boiled?

    Let me read that again!

    “Can’t tell Dawn…” (snort) “…She’ll get the hint…” (mmpph!) “…This is the best…” bwaWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, he is soooooo funny! And so Margoed.

  144. Uncle Lumpy
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    #140 J Re: FOOB on CBC –

    Nice article; thanks for the link.

    Y’know, Lynn really seems like a pretty decent person. Sure let the comic slide, though.

  145. alamo
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    dr. mad — it doesn’t matter if any of the foobville follies story line each day makes any sense just so there is a “punch” line that is cutesy.

    i hope you can prescribe something for this stomach ache this strip continues to give me.

    also the way i see it, therese is the big winner in all of this ‘cuz she doesn’t have to live in this strip any more. free at last!! i wonder if that was part of the divorce settlement?

  146. StrangeRover
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    Spidey: Misprint in pannel two. Reads “But he looks dangerous” should read “But he looks ridiculous

  147. Howard Erk
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    You know you are a Plugger when you keep posting inane comments just hoping to get noticed by a blogger to get comment of the week.

  148. Tabby
    August 24th, 2007 at 7:57 am [Reply]

    Corn smut is a fungus that grows on young corn – usually sweet corn or popcorn. It is considered a bad thing, although it’s edible, too. It is kinda icky looking, greyish blackish and with a blobish kind of shape. Seems to be the theme for the day here, blobs & fungi.

    P.S. Somebody please put that poor fish back in deep water!

  149. AeroSquid
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    Hah HA! Ziggy is sad ’cause he’s one step above the evolutionary chain from a Proto-Zig.

  150. Tweeks_Coffee
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    #104 – Donald The Anarchist: re South Park: The episode you’re referring to there is Krazy Kripples from season 3. it would be, but Spider-Man is bound to turn on the TV eventually (probably right in the middle of some act with MJ) and immediately go slinging into action.

    Archie: Q) What took the most time to draw in this strip? A) Betty’s ovular left boob in the third panel.
    ‘Shaft: Personally, I think tomorrow’s inevitable forcible hearing-aiding could be a good strip.
    DT: If you’re going to throw a guy out of a moving car, you should have some panache. Nothing like a good old high speed chase right outside the Capital building.
    EC: This is just another in the list of reasons why I hate theme parks and roller coasters in particular.
    FC: Are they supposed to moving here? It looks to me like they’re just stopped in traffic which would make this, mostly, a non-issue.
    GA: How is no one at all interested by the fact that a giant meteorite just fell to the Earth? Never mind the fact that it should have left an enormous crater, but just seeing that alone should be rather interesting.
    GT: So the Gail martin arc comes to a screeching halt. Why on earth are Kaz and Kelly sitting so freaking close to the windshield though? I’m pretty sure she had to turn her head just so she wouldn’t have her nose pressed against it.
    MT: Where did the guy in the last panel come from? We see Buck, some guy with black hair and a mustache and a sandy-haired fella, but no clean-shaven black haired guy. Most likely it’s the same guy in the first and third panels. However, upon realizing that animals were in danger and the fact that they’re in LoFo area he quickly shaved his mustache in an attempt to avoid the RHoJ.
    MW: Speaking of ugly scenes… what the hell happened to your face, Dr. Drew?
    RMMD: So what is Rex looking at, exactly? Is June actually in a cavernous room that Rex is driving around?
    S-M: I like to think that The Shocker is actually cursing the public transportation system in the last panel. His bus is late again, thus ruining his carefully laid plans. This, combined with yesterday’s of him standing around and reworked dialogue, could make for a rather interesting story: The Shocker vs. Public Transportation. Well, at least as interesting as any arc ion S-M.

  151. Tweeks_Coffee
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    #150 – me: Sorry, I meant Season 7, not 3.

  152. teenchy
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:16 am [Reply]

    ## 93, 114, others I’m sure I’ve missed: Add only children — or at least one only child — to the groups of people Lynn has pissed off. I can assure you we don’t live our lives solely for the sake of our parents. However, we often do bear the sole burden (if you think it so and yes, based on reading this strip, I think she thinks it so) of helping our parents in their last years. None of the Foobspawn are only children, yet they seem to be living their entire lives in varying degrees for their parents’ sake.

    That doesn’t square with the seeming implication (at least to me) that, in the Foobiverse, in order not to live your life for your parents’ sake, you mustn’t be an only child. Wow, Lynn, what a nice way to set us up for icky Lizardthonian sex and another sloppy, Muppet-mouthed grandfoob! “We must have a child for Accent Grave Jr.’s sake! After all, we don’t want her to become an evil only child like her birth mother.”

    Maybe it’s just me seeing it this way, because the use of only-child stereotypes raise my hackles. I also haven’t had my meds and only one cup of coffee thus far this morning.

  153. Anonymous
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    Very creepy Ziggy fish.

    MW – Ah, Dr. Drew bears the mark of the cad, in panel two. Good luck scoring with Vera now.

    RMMD – Jez – between June’s epilepsy inducing blouse, and the rollercoaster frame angles, I’m gonna puke. Puke – that’s a funny word.

    TDIET – No time for a lap dance for you tonight, Fignewt. Perhaps Buck Naked will be dancing again next time.

    JP – Back to Jugs McRusty again, please.

    FC – You are entering Hell – next comedy service 2525.

  154. Uncle Lumpy
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    #145 alamo –

    it doesn’t matter if any of the foobville follies story line each day makes any sense just so there is a “punch” line that is cutesy

    FOOB’s “punch” lines remind me of this exchange between Ben Stiller’s “Mr. Furious” and Wes Studi’s enigmatic “The Sphinx” from 1999′s Mystery Men:

    Mr. Furious: Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? “If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up. If you want to go left, you have to go right.” It’s…
    The Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master your rage…
    Mr. Furious: …your rage will become your master? That’s what you were going to say. Right? Right?
    The Sphinx: Not . . . necessarily.

    Worthwhile movie, BTW. Janeane Garofolo, still cute, just on the cusp of shrill.

  155. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:25 am [Reply]


    Ziggy: Did Tom 2 make a bet with his friends that he could publish a Ziggy with no comprehensible joke at all? “The weather brought to you by the news.” Huh? squared.

    Momma: Momma works her husband into an early grave. Their son Francis “grows up” to be an unhygienic layabout. Ain’t Karma a bitch?

    BB: Killer makes a subtle dig at Derle.

    H&L: That settles it. Trixie is the smart one in the Flagston household.

    MT: The boss won’t care. As of this weekend it’s wabbit season, not duck season.

    MW: This has been another presentation of “OMG! Dr Drew is such a guy!”

    TDIET: All Scaduto had to do was change “leather bar” to the more ambiguous “club” and Presto! Suitable for family papers.

    Luann: “Good enough to eat, amigo.”

    GT: Come on Kaz. We all know it was the alien claw that kicked Cliff out. By the way, Cliff, next time write the damn lyrics down and get ‘em notarized.

    A3G: I like Dr Kelly’s strategy of promising to keep his mouth shut. “And if you come home with me, I promise not to tell you about my toenail fungus.”

    DT: The best thing here is the way Dimitri makes the dead driver do a curlicue in the air before landing. That Tommy John surgery really paid off!

  156. Anonymous
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    # 77 Eleusis: How can we believe anything spewed by the Patterfoob circle about Accent Marks? Blanthony is undoubtedly using the prevailing current feelings of anti-Accent Marksism to deny his horrible choice in facial hair. If his wife had any influence on him in this regard, she would have had him grow a goatee (accent mark) and then only for a year or two as goatees (accent mark) have a limited fashion viability. Why didn’t she make him go with an assymetrical hair cut? Highlights? Full body loofah? There are many other things that Accent Marks could have done to infringe on Blanthony’s alleged manhood. The moustache’s story doesn’t make sense – which fits right in to the rest of this strip.

  157. Calico
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Are we certain that that Blobfish thingy isn’t really just a midnight picture of Elly, flapping and grabbing a (large) midnight snack?

    I see she’s turned 152 this week. Bonne Anniversaire, tater nose!

  158. Calico
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    #140 – “Q: In an early interview on the CBC’s The Fifth Estate, you admitted that you were so anxious after you signed your initial 20-year contract with Universal Press Syndicate, that you returned to your hotel room and almost threw up. Well it’s almost three decades [and two contracts] later and you’re on the verge of retiring. How do you feel now?”

    I don’t know how Lynn feels at this time, but rest assured we are the ones doing the vomiting now.

  159. Professor Fate
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    FOOB: As others have said just what the hell did Therese take from his blandness? He has the house, he has the kid, he never seems short of money (he has awful taste but that is his affair). So what did she take? I’m sure Lynn with her dark and evil heart will have Therese show up before the wedding broke and on drugs smoking wearing black (the color of people who live in the CITY! The horror) with deep sunk eyes and a skull tatoo on her shoulder (where people can see it!) saying that she now realizes her life in the city was nothing but a vain attempt not to have a hollow meaningless suburban life and now she is ready to be the bland one’s lifetime partner.

    Or some such – Lynn isn’t going to let us imagine that Therese is happy out there in the – city.
    And didn’t pornstache also push (or whine) about a kid?

    It’s amazing to see how low this strip has sunk.

    Thinking about how low it can sink only makes one thirsty for gin and it’s way too early.

    Gil Thorp: People have gotten co-writing credits for less you know.

  160. Allie Cat
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Candace – why hast thou forsaken us? We thought you loooooved us.

    You know, my Mom and Dad are really jonesing for some grandbabies, but that’s too margoing bad! We’re not ready, we may never be ready. Thankfully, I’m not an only child or I might have to lie back and take it!

    MW – I hope Dawn doesn’t take this new development well. I hope that she pulls an Aldo. Drew – rule number six of Dating Law – don’t try to date two women who live in the same condommunity – it’s a small, small world – and with Mary around, there ARE NO SECRETS!

  161. Gagott68
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:41 am [Reply]

    # 134 Krazy Kat:

    Either lifestyle is fine as long as the person is actually happy living it. The Moustache’ in classic Patterson fashion could only focus on the negatives and the lost love of Elizabeth which he should have put to rest before getting married and spawning a basement cage dweller.

    But as far as the vehement Johnston hatred, come on people. Get a life. It’s her freaking comic. She can do with it what she wants. In fact, if she did take a more rational approach to the story arc, where would you sling your snarks?

  162. Uncle Lumpy
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    #159 Prof. F. –

    . . . she now realizes her life in the city was nothing but a vain attempt not to have a hollow meaningless suburban life and now she is ready to be the bland one’s lifetime partner

    Yup — thus validating Anthony’s marriageability without any need to, y’know, show us any marriageable qualities, or require any (shudder) action on Liz’s part.

    Game, set, match.

  163. willethompson
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    MW: You KNOW that this is how it will end up (SFW)…

  164. AtomicDog
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    FOOB – Therese must be the first woman in history to actually ask a man to grow facial hair.

  165. Perky Bird
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    #145 alamo: The only cure for you is to read Mark Trail and look for more cute mommy duckies! More cute mommy duckies, Mule!

    Mary Worth: Looks like Dr. Drew is gently cradling his new little pet clam in panel one today. Good thing he got that little fellow, ’cause once Vera and Dawn discover what a two-timing dog Dr. Drew is, that’ll be the only “clam” he’ll be getting, if ya know what I mean! (OMG, did I just say that?!)

  166. Pelagius
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    I have mixed feelings about Therese. On one hand, I hate Liz and Anthony with such a passion that anyone who has caused them pain is a friend of mine.

    On the other hand, I had a friend who moved to Paris and got caught up in a serious relationship with a French girl who pretty much made him miserable 99% of the time. She and her friends would mock him for his lack of fashion sense, table manners, trouble with nuances of the French language and culture. The sex must have been fantastique since he stuck with it for nearly three years.

  167. ChefMike
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    In today’s Funky Winkerbean, Tom Batiuk explores the idea that the English language is arbitrary. Either that or he never learned that the opposite of Omnipotent is impotent Prefixes don’t work that way, Tom! To his credit though, without that stupid grammar mistake there would be no humor. This comic has been missing the Funny lately, even the unintentional.

  168. Laska
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    Granthony dresses like my 4 year old, only doesn’t rock it like he does.

  169. DarkSir
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Friday’s Slylock Fox: Silly Weber, ALL Skater Boys are alike.

  170. TB Tabby
    August 24th, 2007 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    #161: Yeah, god forbid we should be allowed to express dislike for something. And if the comics were better, we’d simply be able to enjoy them in a non-ironic fashion, which is always preferable.

  171. Uncle Lumpy
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:01 am [Reply]

  172. Edgy DC
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    There’s no redeeming direction For Better or for Worse can go in, is there?

    “What I hate about it is how it zigs. Watch how it zigs. Oh, it zagged! Even worse!”

    That’s where satire dies.

  173. narthan
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    The shorts are a little over the top, but I don’t think that’s the real problem. Actually this comic touches on a divisive controversy here in the states. Anthony is opening that banana from the [i]non-stem end.[/i] Personally I think it’s a totally fine way of opening a banana, but I dare you to suggest it to someone. People get really pissed off.

  174. fishmorgjp
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Hey, it’s Blobfish, the classic James Bond villain — no wait, that’s Blofeld, oops.

    Say, maybe the FOOBsters could eat up a few plates of breaded, deep-fried blobfish instead of giant cheeseburgers and tuna casserole! With mayo-and-lard dipping sauce! Yub yub!

  175. Little A.
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Maybe Anthony got those underpants or shorts or whatever the hell he is wearing while he is eating his banana in Amsterdam on his honeymoon or on a vacation : those vertical x’s are part of the coat of arms of the city. I am sure that Lynne put this in the drawing on purpose to demonstrate that before he settled down Anthony travelled all over the place, sowing some wild rice, or something.

    Just demonstrates again that Lynne is much cleverer and intellectual than we give her credit for and that we have to pay close attention to every single detail in every panel if we want to obtain the full meaning of this strip and appreciate it to the fullest.

    GA: Naturally a meteorite crushes a truck every day in this town, no sense in calling the police or the newspapers or interupting the basketball game. Ho hum.

  176. Calico
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    #171 – Is this where Elly learned how to parent?

    See, I’m not snarking on Lynnie, just her alter ego.

    Those pictures give “roadside” a totally new meaning!
    Or, this poor mother quack has been trying to learn from Mallard Fillmore.

  177. Mr. Coffee Nerves
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    FOOB: “So finally Therese just took Anthony for all he was worth.”

    As so many other CC’ers have mentioned, he got the house, full custody of the child and mustache removal rights.

    What DID she get? His vintage Jams? His Hamilton Bulldogs foam finger? The thousands of porn DVDs from the “Hot Buns with Back Bacon” series?

  178. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:12 am [Reply]


    Wait a minute!

    Tommie had a bad divorce last year?

    When the Margo did that happen? Were Margo’s and LuAnne’s stories so exciting that all of us missed it? Tommie’s not that boring! (is she?)

  179. dreadedcandiru2
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    #53. Glad to see you made it on to the blog today. It’s good to see that the people on the LiveJournal aren’t having all the fun.

  180. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Congratulations, Dingo. I remember reading about the Waubonsee experience, and I’m glad you’re putting it behind you. And we’ve seen your Photoshop magic, so some students are in for a treat.

  181. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    FOOB: What a bunch of babbling buffoonery!

    Oh yes, it’s not just Therese’s fault, but her horrid parents too.

    Mom: “Squeeze out the babies, dear! Give me grandchildren! Make your mother happy! Give me grandchildren, dammit, or I’ll kill myself! Oui oui, I shall kill myself and drink American beer if I don’t have a grandchild within the next year!”

    Dad: “Buy a house in the suburbs, sweetie! It’s a good investment! If you don’t have a bland husband, a house and a baby, your life is meaningless! Oui oui, You don’t want to be a meaningless nobody all your life, do you, my little mon-ami?”

    Pastythony: “Oh come on, my sweet, delicate, fragile little turtledove! Let’s have a baby and I’ll buy Gordon’s house! Then you’ll be happy!”

    To Elizabeth: Yeah, right, Liz. Therese’s parents are controlling and demanding. Therese makes most of her decisions based on what her parents want. Well, you know all about THAT, don’t you, you little miss hairbrained-hairbun-blubberbutt?? The more I see of that pathetic piece of pissing crap that your life in FBOFW has become, it’s clear to me that you deserve to be with Angsthony forever and ever. You had a chance to be different, a chance to have a real life in Mtigwaki, but you blew it over stupid, lame, immature childish fantasies about childhood sweethearts. To hell with you, Loserbreath. I’ve had it with you. You only have to make one more fatal mistake to fuck up your life forever…..that mistake being marraige with Mr. Asshat. You’re on the fast-track to ruin, and what’s more, I don’t care anymore. You deserve it. You’re currently making your own bed, and when it’s finished, when Mr. Toadstool has you 9-months pregneant (10 months after the birth of your first child and 20 months after you’re married), barefoot and strapped down in the kitchen, when your life revolves around shitty diapers, colorful plastic baby toys, 3 AM baby-tit-suckings, drool and spit-up, when you realize that all you have to look forward to is seeing Blandthony serving up Cream of Wheat and walking around eating bananas, foot-long hoagies and looking like an idiot, when you wake up one morning and realize that you’re trapped and there’s no way out, because Dullthony has you in his clutches with the full support of your smelly, shrill, screeching, brooding, fat-assed slob of a mother, and your assclown, no-talent dumb-luck doofus dolt of a brother, and your browbeat, cinnamon-bun chomping loser of a father, when you realize that you’ve got all this mess, all of your own making, when you finally, finally, finally, realize what an insufferable moron you’ve been acting like since high-school, you’ll simply have to lay in it. You’ll be finished.

    Lizzardbreath, you truly do deserve to be with Assthony and endure the malaise and misery that will come with it. He will suck the life out of you, your enegy, your spirit, your passion, your sense of adventure, and all your youthful dreams. Within two years after marrying him, you will spit out two kids, and you will have aged 20 years. Then, your transformation into your Grendel-mommy will be complete…….you already have the hair-bun, fat ass, droopy-tits, slobbish table manners and granny-glasses. Soon you will buy a house right across the street from your tarantula-mommy, you’ll perfect your shrillness, your screechiness, your skankiness, your B.O., and finally grow that potatoe (with apologies to Dan Quayle) nose, then you’ll be all set. Then you’ll wear the crown of the Patterfoob Matron. You’ll watch with disgust as your pasty, toadstool hubby plays with his trains right alongside your father, the role-model for Angsthony, with your rugrats rolling in the mud with Mushbrain Michael’s litter of snotty, bratty, horrid-looking spawn. You wanted to “marry a guy like dad”, now you’re going to get your wish.

    Candace…..screw you, skank. Some “friend” you are. I had a lot of respect for you, but you just torpedoed yourself. You say that Therese took Blandthony for as much as she could, huh……let’s see………Mr. Asslips kept the house and baby, at Therese’s request. Seems to me, the only things she took with her were her dignity, sanity, and the chance at a decent future without daily doses of dullness, degradation and drudgery.

    Blobfish: It does look like Ziggy. But I think it should be called “Anthonyfish” instead. It just seems more appropriate.

  182. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Oh Countess!. Check out Paranha Club today.

  183. One-Armed Bandit
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Re: FOOB “You can’t change people.”

    Not true, Lynn. I used to enjoy reading your comic strip, but then you went and ruined the dynamics and changed me into someone who loathes and contempts it. Maybe, in a way, we changed each other. Growth sucks.

  184. Meanwhile
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: I feel reasonably confident in asserting that no bank in the world actually transports money in big cloth sacks with dollar signs on. I would even go so far as to say that no one even makes such bags, outside the prop departments of cheesy vaudeville-style dinner theaters.

    What really happened at the bank:

    SHOCKER: This is a hold-up! Hand over all the cash and no one gets hurt!

    BANK MANAGER: (Eying The Shocker’s attire and noting his overall clueless demeanor) Oh, heavens. We don’t want anyone getting hurt. (Winking at the teller) You heard the man, Sylvia. Better hand over all our bags of “money”!

    TELLER: (Eying The Shocker’s vibration gloves) Okay, Mr. Shocker, sir. I’ll set these bags on my lap one at a time, and you pick them up. But you should probably have those gloves turned on when you do — you know, just to make sure I don’t try any funny business!

    SHOCKER: Now this is the kind of cooperation I like! Why can’t all my heists go this smoothly?

  185. True Fable
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    #181 Joe – That is some fine grade-A snarkin’ rant you’ve got there. I salute you, sir!

  186. fishmorgjp
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Want to see a Ziggy robot? The body isn’t dumpy and squat enough, but the head is pretty close:

    Ziggy Bot

  187. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:27 am [Reply]


    Dingo, you are sooo lucky. I used to be a techincan for the company that makes those one-hour photo machines. Being a sex slave to Michael Patterson is a better job than that!

  188. T. Chicana
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    #89 Poteet: At the end of a MW/Shining movie, it would zoom in on an old black and white group photo of Chartershone from the 1920s, and it would show Mary in the center! “You’ve always been the meddler here.”

  189. Fightin Vague Shape
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    MW: Dr. Drew has developed a Rorshach test on his face. I see an obnoxious, sanctimonious, repulsive twit, but I’m not sure if that’s the inkblot or the face or the strip in general.

    FW: Before I started reading this strip, I thought band camp was less serious than terminal cancer. Thank you for realigning my priorities.

    MT: So the duck is warning Homer that he’s going to be fired if he saves her. Do mallards typically have a death wish? And what’s Mark’s policy on rescuing animals that want to die?

    TDIET: Hey, Annoyia. Why are you so worried about where your husband’s at? He’s just told you, he’s going to be at the damn club.

    Also: The bartender’s outfit looks awfully familiar. Oh yeah, the “club” is actually the Regal Beagle from Three’s Company. I hope this ends in a pie fight caused because somebody’s not sure if Fignewt’s gay or not.

    Pluggers: A plugger doesn’t know the difference between a road and a sidewalk.

    GT: A snippet from Gail Martin’s next hit: “Fifty Ways to Maim Your Drummer.”

    Drill a hole in his head, Fred.
    Just claw out his eye, Sly.
    Slice off his prick, Dick.
    Do it violently.

    GA: Slim’s either sweating out his mouth or drooling out his eye. Clovia needs to bring out her tranquilizer gun, now. (And by “tranquilizer gun,” I don’t mean her freaky eyes or her boobs, I mean “tranquilizer gun.”)

  190. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    # 187

    I meant that being Michael Patterson’s sex slave is better than working at a Wal-Mart photo lab. (which is better than working a a K-Mart photo lab)

  191. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    ****** You’re not going to believe this:

    Crazy Sexy Cancer

    Has Batick started a trend? brrrrr….

  192. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    #185 True Fable:

    Thanks for the Kudos. I’m feeling especially snarkish today.

    Reading FOOB has shown me that it is possible to barf up twinkies that I ate when I was in the third grade.

    I enjoy reading Lynn’s attempts to get into your pants and the subsequent shooting-down she gets! Brilliant.

  193. Lame Name
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    9CL: God reads tabloids.

  194. Sylphi
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    If Anthony is so horrible at relationships that he can’t even handle a conversation about dinner etiquette, I fear for how he’s going to manage negotiating the complexities of a step-parent relationship between Liz and his daughter.

    Also, Liz, don’t put your hand in your pocket while washing dishes! Your hand is wet and soapy and now linty!

  195. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:51 am [Reply]



  196. Calico
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    #181 – as Eric the C would say, “Sweet!”

  197. MrP
    August 24th, 2007 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    The Shocker is clearly new to this supervillain business, and hasn’t really thought things through. As Jameson and his sexual-tension competitor sneak up with cameras, he’s just trying to figure out what the hell he’s going to do next. “Okay, so I’ve got this huge pile of money, and I just vibrated and/or scared off anyone whom I could’ve threatened to cart them away. What to do, what to do…”

    Thank goodness miss Jonah-is-trying-to-steal-MY-story has a nice, spacious TV van, right? So now The Shocker is going to kidnap the TV chick and her team, and Jonah is going to give chase while saying that Spider-Man is a crook for not even trying to save people from The Shocker (or maybe Spider-Man IS The Shocker!), while ol’ Spidey is at home with his TV off, constantly being about to make sweet sweet love to MJ but never actually making sweet sweet love to her.

    Once the whole thing is over, Jonah and kidnapped TV chick become a couple again, joined in their hate for Spider-Man, who failed them in their most dire hour. Spidey vows to never stop watching TV because of this, but now the Spidey-hate is all over both of the biggest channels! Oh noes!

  198. The Atheist
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    El Santo – yesterdaythread. Actually, I began working for the church in social services and migrated to the top of the Church hierarchy. Not the top since I’m a chick but pretty close. I can get on board with the commitment to education, serving the poor, providing servies to the elderly, housing initiatives etc. I agree with the mission of the church to provide for those less fortunate; it’s the omnipotent deity I have an issue with.

    So there really isn’t much of a problem since having been raised Catholic, I’m familiar with the whole sit-stand-kneel protocol of mass when I have to go for state occasions.

    The Jesuits, bless their hearts, teach critical thinking, which is what made me an atheist.

  199. Dingo
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    MHBH #187: The phrase Sex Slave of Michael Patterson is just itching to be made into the title of a 1950s-style pulp fiction novel.

  200. T. Chicana
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Ohh, so maybe the crotchety mom in the strip couldn’t hear when her home healthcare worker was calling her a pig, a fat-ass, butter-butt, old beeyotch, etc. The sassy healthcare worker was probably just testing the old bat’s hearing. Riiiiight…

  201. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:08 am [Reply]

  202. Anonymous
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    OMG! I’m an only child! I’m guaranteed to turn into Therese!


  203. Dicky
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    181, Joe:

    Mom: “Squeeze out the babies, dear! Give me grandchildren! Make your mother happy! Give me grandchildren, dammit, or I’ll kill myself! Oui oui, I shall kill myself and drink American beer if I don’t have a grandchild within the next year!”

    You almost made me spit cranberry juice all over my monitor. I would love some Canadian beer right now.

    Zits: Flaming chihuahuas makes me think of Jack from Will and Grace. That, and how to crossover Pierce to Brad and TJ’s relationship.

  204. Lynngineering
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: Ah yes, “don’t try and change people, take them as they are”…. That assumes they, then you, and then everyone in contact has agreed “who they are”. So on the one hand, no one needs the whole psychoanalysis thing, when there’s always the common sense of Mom…. except, wait, isn’t that WHY the psychoanalysis exists : ) I kid I kid, or I should say, I Michael, I Michael…

  205. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:21 am [Reply]


    On a 8-lane road in the middle of nowhere, why would there be traffic backed up both directions?

  206. T. Chicana
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    181: Whoa! Bravo on that rant! Wonderful adjectives. And I think I’m going to start using “Pastythony” if that’s okay with you!

  207. Gagott68
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    # 170 TB Tabby: Express your dislike of the strip all you like. There is something to be said for loving to hate something. But the personal attacks on the writer sometimes go overboard.

  208. Girl Reporter
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    Tee-hee! Somebody put some of that novelty face powder that turns black on contact with skin in that compact Dr. Drew just finished using in panel 1. Boy is he gonna be embarassed when he finally sees himself in a mirror! I can’t wait to see the reactions other people have when they pass him in he hall. I hope nobody tells him!

  209. Tangent
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    FOOB — Candace says, ‘So finally Therese just took Anthony for all he was worth.”

    That’s precisely Candace’s point. Therese DID take everything of Anthony’s she considered of worth — nothing.

    [Now how do they figure that? He kept the house, the furniture, the kid, no mention of payments to the ex, so what did Therese take away from him?]

  210. Anonymous
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    150. Tweek’s Coffee: that second panel in MW shows a lovely footprint of the last woman Dr. Luv jilted. No doubt this is why he’s proceeding with much more caution this time…

  211. Non Compost Mentos
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    I hate to admit that I even read this strip, but thanks to some wiseass who mentioned it on CC, I got into the habit of reading Yenny, largely because I’m fascinated with the title character’s freakishly huge feet. Yeah, the feet, that’s it. So anyway, apparently they’re all supposed to be in modelling school. But what the hell are these girls supposed to be wearing here? Prototype costumes for anime astronaut/maid/sexbots? Someone help me out here. These outfits are to clothes what Gil Thorp is to the laws of physics.

  212. Gagott68
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    # 181 Joe: A fine example of attacking the characters without an unnecessary direct assault on the writer. If by attacking her work the writer is wounded collaterally…that’s ok.

  213. Paperback Rifler
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    189. Fightin Vague Shape: I hope you don’t mind if I post the rest of the song, which, from what I heard of the bootleg demo, goes a little something like this:

    “The problem is with these pissy notes,” she said to me.
    “Find out who wrote them, and I’ll pay a trifling fee.”
    I hope that this will end up in a punching spree;
    There must be
    Fifty ways to maim your drummer.
    Fifty ways to maim your drummer.

    I said, “I am not a professional P.I.;
    “And I think you only hired me for punching one drunk guy;
    “But I’ll look into it . . . and you’ll find out by and by
    “There must be
    “Fifty ways to maim your drummer.
    “Fifty ways to maim your drummer.”

    Drill a hole in his head, Fred.
    Just claw out his eye, Sly.
    Slice off his prick, Dick.
    Do it violently.
    Go for the kill, Phil;
    You can get all medieval —
    Just bust up his feet, Pete;
    And he’ll be dead meat.

    She said, “It grieves me to receive notes harrassing;
    “After all, who isn’t fond of the ‘rock and roll Carole King?’
    “And wait a minute now — Are those pearl earrings?
    “And are there fifty ways?”

    I said, “I’ll bully all the members of your band.
    “Maybe then the guilty party will mess up and tip his hand.
    “And when that happens, then you’ll be free to punch him in the glands.”
    There must be
    Fifty ways to maim your drummer.
    Fifty ways to maim your drummer.

    Drill a hole in his head, Fred.
    Just claw out his eye, Sly.
    Slice off his prick, Dick.
    Do it violently.
    Go for the kill, Phil;
    You can get all medieval —
    Just bust up his feet, Pete;
    And he’ll be dead meat.

  214. dbp
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    New theory: Thérøsê was in love in the past with a mustache-toting, kid-having, stylish-pajama-wearing man who always cut his sandwiches in half before eating them. Unfortunately for her, that man was married to a wife who was increasingly concerned about his mental health and asked Thërësé to tail him. All this led to a deadly fall from the CN Tower for the man.

    Next revelations: Anthony becomes obsessed with a painting of Carlotta MacKenzie. Therese took Anthony shopping for the exact clothes the dead man wore. And the two met not at a dance in college, but when she fished him out of Hudson Bay.

  215. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    #53 Dingo: The FOOB-fest printed your letter! Excellent!

    “I can’t believe that you did it but, over the last few days, you’ve actually made me appreciate the character of Therese MORE. She’s successful, hoped to make her husband into an ADULT to be with her, realized that Liz Patterson was a tramp trying to upset her marriage and acted upon it, and in general makes me wish that your strip was about her instead of these people egging on their daughter to marry the milquetoast that she met in grade school. Dingo”

  216. gh
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    Master Soft Heart would buy the blobfish a nice beret.

  217. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    #206 T. Chicana: Fine by me. Snark on!

  218. Girl Reporter
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    #198 The Athiest

    I heard, somewhere, that it’s lonely at the top. Do you find that to be true?

  219. Anonymous
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    209 – My guess is under CAN law, Therese is stuck making substancial child support payments to Granthony based on her big city high earning potential.

    Yeah, poor Granthony – she really took him for a ride.

  220. bats :[
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Argh! I think Mr. bats was “helping” my computer last night, and my name setting pooped out (yes, the Anonymous in this thread steps forward).

    Little A., good call on Asshathony’s souvenir of Amsterdam undies. Those are the arms of the city emblazoned on them. OTOH, I don’t think he’s even capable of sowing wild rice. Maybe wild Rice-a-roni.

    MW: Dr. Luv valiantly tries to hail the U.S.S. Enterprise and get beamed up before the ferocious Jilted Woman of Charterstone appears, with her cortege of assorted old fogeys and stuffy academicians! We all know what the fate of the clueless Aldo was…

  221. The Divine O’F
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    Whew! Just finished skimming yesterthread, no time for this one yet, let alone the comics, except to remark that the Blobfish reminds me of a guy I used to play bridge with.

    Just gotta say:

    Yesterthread Kate: LOL. Mr. O’F would want me to watch him do ANYthing if he thought I was doing it wrong. He has in fact asked me to watch him flush the toiler and then watches me do it to be sure I understood. It’s an odd thing; I believe he has been surrounded by incompetents most of his life, or thinks he has (we are still newlyweds–going on five years). But just as your husband makes you happy, he makes me happy. Only I think yours is funnier.

    Yesterthread MonkeyHawk–your synopses are great!

  222. andreavis
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    #142 & #181 Girl Randolf and Joe– excellent rants!

    #162 Uncle L.– I absolutely agree with your conclusion. It makes Anthony seem a little like God; he only exists through the perception of other people. The good news about that is, if those people stop believing in Anthony, he will poof out of existence in a cinnamon-scented wisp of smoke.

  223. shMerker
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Obviously The Shocker’s crippling self doubt has stopped him from ever getting his driver’s license and keeps him from acquiring a car by any means, legal or illegal. (“What if someone catches me hotwiring their car?”, “What if I can’t get it started?”, “What if I get scared by the big inflatable gorilla?”) So he’s just waiting for the bus.

    My other theory is that he just wants the world to know that he really did just rob a bank. I think successfully getting all of that cash out of a bank could be a big ego boost. He’s probably so excited by all this that he still hasn’t realized that he doesn’t have any kind of getaway planned.

    I think it’ll be great if the Hitler trips and accidentally gets killed by the shocker, who will then realize that he has bettered the world by killing this man, but will not be able to shake from his mind the thought that perhaps this man did not really deserve death. While he’s still questioning his motives, the cameraman will enjoy a donut, catch a movie, and then call the police and have them arrest the shocker before he gets away. Then MJ and Peter will celebrate how Spiderman saved the day.

  224. Gagott68
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    SM: “Follow me! We need a good shot of THE SHOCKER!”

    So apparently it’s been taken into the local dialect to over-pronounce THE SHOCKER whenever one says, “THE SHOCKER”. Would Mark Trail also italicize it too?

  225. Bootsy
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Trotz and Big Sims, I’ve been here but so much snarking goes on I can but read and laff and laff some more (and harbor a secret shameful yet tingly love for the Roopville Kid).

    Work has been making me work; the Foobiverse has pissed me off so much that I find it hard to even sneer at them. OK, one little snark…

    MW: Is it Ash Wednesday? Dr. Drew looks like the victim of an overenthusiastic priest with a heavy hand in the snuff jar ashes depository.

  226. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Plugger continuing education = court ordered driving class.

    When that comes straight from the horse’s mouth, boy… How do you even begin snarking?

  227. Gagott68
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    MT: Ha, another enemy of the enviroment with facial hair appears so he too can meet with the RHO’J. Only Anthony’s Therese-inspired moustache could survive such an on-slaught. Well, maybe Sam Elliott’s moustache could too.

  228. bats :[
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    211. NCM: Yenny’s better drawn than Gil Thorpe, though (wow, there’s a newsflash!). I will occasionally get into a Yenny-readin’ mode, but I stopped doing it on a regular basis…I think it makes more sense, such as it is, to read a bunch of strips all at once, kind of like saving two weeks’ worth of Pibgorn.

    213. PR: we have another winner! Paul Simon (the musician, not the Congressman) would be proud!

    More Foobery: Even though Therese did the cuckoo-thing and left da baby boid in another clueless bird’s nest, what are the rights of her parents (Squiggly C’s grandparents) for visitation? If it’s the case where they were pressuring her for a grandbrat and she delivered, certainly Lizardbreath is going to have to gird her ample loins and deal with them (ominous cello music…).
    Joe’s snark rocks hard!!!

  229. gh
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:04 am [Reply]


    So . . . Dimitri, when asked for the frequency [14Kh?] to the chip that he knows is implanted in his erstwhile cohort Gretchen, actually gives them correct frequency? He couldn’t have said 9Kh? And he’s surprised when “they’re on to us?” I’ve decided everyone in (WT)DT is suffering from dementia, with the possible exception of the Baron.

  230. M. Iscariot
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:05 am [Reply]

    #89 – I used to read a lot of Stephen King, but The Shining was the only one I couldn’t read at bedtime. I needed to be sitting in light, preferably in the middle of my college cafeteria surrounded by tons of people who, although they did not know me, could potentially save me from rampaging bushes.

    Just so you know it’s not just you that story influences in weird ways. :)

  231. Sam Elliott's Moustache
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    I could take a Mark Trail right hook. Of course, I only fight on the side of justice and all things right so Mark and I are allies and only engage in friendly sparring under Coach Thorp’s watchful eye (naturally at crotch level).

  232. Girl Randolf
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Sorry about my above venting… I guess my feminism is showing.

  233. Kate
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    #80, Dingo — WOO. HOO. YEAH to getting more academic stuff on there. That’s great.

  234. Uncle Lumpy
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    #232 GR –

    Sorry about my above venting


    Let’s take a few minutes to get clear on the whole “curmudgeon” concept here, girl!

  235. proctorial
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    For anyone who’s kept up on the FBOFW storyline, as I sadly have….remember when it was Candace who STOLE Anthony right out from under Liz in high school? Presumably they’re beyond all that, now that they’re ‘mature’. But Liz should have thrown that back at her…it’s about time there was some hair pulling between these two ‘friends’…

  236. Anonymous
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    I thought they met when they were stuck together as roomies at University?

  237. Gal Friday
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    (DT)GT: Sob, Ben Franklin, we hardly knew ye–and you’re gone! But why didn’t we get to see Kaz throw him out?!!!

  238. True Fable
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    It doesn’t look like the FBOFW site is ever going to print any correspondence from “Truman F.” >:-D *waves* Hi, minions! You’re not about to give so much as a comma to this rat bastard, are you? That’s fine, I understand completely. The truth hurts no matter how carefully it’s worded.

  239. Colinski
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    SM: Get ready for some more vibratin’!

    Also, I don’t read this strip except on this site, but from my years as a pre-teen Marvel comics nerd I seem to be certain that J. Jonah Jameson was the publisher of a newspaper only. Why does he have a cameraman with him holding a television camera? When did J.J.J. make a foray into broadcast journalism?

  240. Quäsenbo Pan
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    #83 Dingo, RE: Luann: You’re not alone, but you are brave in admitting it. Just as long as I never glimpsed Brad’s disturbing bullet-head in profile…

  241. Jym
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    =v= Fööb: We seem to have consensus here: Thërëse rocks, and she rocks hard. That’s why I’m inspired to use umlauts on her name. Party on, dudes, and Be excellent to each other.

  242. cheech wizard
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    (DT) GT – Ben Franklin wants royalties? Oh, I get it – the insulting notes are actually from his lawyer.

  243. Colinski
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Liz, on the other hand, prefers Anthony looking like a kid.

  244. El Santo
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp: Are you telling me Kaz actually prevented us from seeing the mighty Gail Punch? Curse you, Kaz, curse you! Gail’s fury is such that her mighty fist is said to fracture the Multi-verse.

    Either that, or I’m thinking Superboy Prime. Same difference.

  245. Lame Name
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    193 (Me)

    I realized my first comment (before I had to run off to a meeting) was three words, just like the game we were playing last night. I’m going to try to do that with the rest of my comments today.

    9CL: God reads tabloids.
    A3G: No kvetching? Dreamy!
    Archie: Jughead looks stupid!
    B Blues: Elly’s other rationale.
    Blondie: No more cowlicks!
    Crock: Children read this?
    Curtis: Baby Blues’ joke.
    DtM: Dog is menace.
    DT: More somersaults, mule!
    Diesel Sweeties: Donut chicken? Foobish.
    FC: Car IS stopped.
    FOOB: Accent’s parents: Pattersons?
    GA: Slim … must … kill!
    GT: Claw is back!
    H&J: Herb is bipolar.
    JP: Document not binding.*
    Angry duck: Complaint is fake. **
    MT: Wrong career, dude.
    Big dog: Dogs can’t read.
    MW: Aaagh! Evil shading!
    (alternative: Drew is passive-aggressive.)
    RMMD: Boobs are back.
    (alternative: Tiny steering wheel.)
    S4th: Pirates? Good question.
    Zits: Pierce is contortionist.

    *See Wikipedia entry on letter of intent. If a strip about lawyers incorrectly tries to use the idea that a letter of intent is legally binding, does that count as shenanigans?
    ** Due to the delay in mail service, let alone the lapse of time between when a comic is drawn and when it is printed, a response could not possibly have been received by MF’s artist in time for inclusion in the next day’s strip. Which leads me to another three words: Why pretend, asshole?

  246. Dingo
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:51 am [Reply]


    I made Lynn Johnston’s koffee klatch with my Therese comment:

    I can’t believe that you did it but, over the last few days, you’ve actually made me appreciate the character of Therese MORE. She’s successful, hoped to make her husband into an ADULT to be with her, realized that Liz Patterson was a tramp trying to upset her marriage and acted upon it, and in general makes me wish that your strip was about her instead of these people egging on their daughter to marry the milquetoast that she met in grade school.


    Interestingly, I ended my comments with “Go Therese!” and they omitted it.

  247. El Santo
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    #198 — Thanks, TA. For the record, I’m not Catholic, but I’m all about helping the needy, too. I went to a school taught by the Basilian fathers, and I have great respect for that group since — unlike other Christian denominations — they have no problem with pushing you on a path of thinking that may eventually lead you to doubt your faith.

  248. ralph
    August 24th, 2007 at 11:57 am [Reply]

    80, Dingo, wow, after sending out the resumes all over, it’s an e-mail about a song contest that lands a great job? I hope you win the contest, too! And congrats for making it into Coffee Talk. Do you want to share a lottery ticket?

  249. Perky Bird
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    #216 gh:

    Master Soft Heart wouldn’t want to hurt the blobfish’s sense of self-worth by calling him a blobfish. He’d call it a “structurally-challenged” fish.

  250. Big Sims, The Good Natured Roadblock
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    #29 mem
    Welcome aboard as we travel the river of uncharted comics snark. References to Aguirre, the Wrath of God is about par for the course around here. I love that movie.

    #225 Hi Bootsy, you’ll have to share the Roopville Kid, he’s too dreamy to keep all yourself…

  251. Hot to Trotsky
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    I’m glad to finally see a blobfish. I’ve always thought that Ziggy was getting “the Innsmouth look.” Now I am sure; I have to go rescue him. There will be no asylum for him like there was for my cousin. Glories await us below!

  252. Dingo
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    Perhaps Michael Patterson’s next novella should be Lolanthony featuring the character of Elizabeth Elizabeth, a woman who fancies men with the adult trappings of reproductive organs but the sexuality of a prepubescent youth.

    Watch out, Therese, there’s a car in the road!

  253. Major Hoople\'s Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    Apt 3 Gee:

    # 178:

    Oops… Doc Bland had the divorce. My bad.

  254. Tweeks_Coffee
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    #246 – Dingo: Excellent work, sir! You’ve infiltrated the FOOB sanctum. Complete with no glurge and primary username. Also; congrats and good luck with your new job.

    Looks like there’s quite a few people on the Coffee Talk that’re pointing out all of the flaws in the Therese blaming.

  255. benro
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    #213 – Throw a few La La La’s in there and it will be perfect

    MF – Isn’t there this conservative obsession about personal responsibility? So why is he saying you should blame your teacher if you can’t read?

  256. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    At least the blobfish has something that Ziggy will never have: human eyes. Deep, soulful, terrifying human eyes.

    Neither does he have pants.

    Link from Rhekarid

  257. Squid Countess
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    #103 IdleDandy - I’m sure you know this, but bipolar is not a synonym for “insane. ”

    Dingo – Many, many, many congrats on the chance to teach another class. And many, many congrats on the park contest. I have vacationed in Salzburg and Vienna. Salzburg is beautiful and romantic, filled with spectacular views, fantastic pastries and coffee, and friendly people; it’s one of my favorite places I’ve ever been. We did not take the Sound of Music tour per se; we went to the salt mines in Bavaria. (Really fun! You wear a leather butt-apron and slide down slides.) But every tour includes Sound of Music info, it turns out. I saw, and photographed, the I-am-sixteen-you-are-seventeen-gazeebo, the waterfront where they all fall out of the canoe, and the trees that all the children were hanging from when the captain and the baroness drove by. And no one in my life cares, really. But I like them. Good luck to you!

  258. cheech wizard
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    246 – Yow! Dingo, that may be the most phenomenal thing I have ever seen here. Better to have that than all the TDIETs and New Yorker cartoon captions in the world, I’d say. Congratulations!

    P.S. Better do a page capture before Lynn and Co. have their first cup of coffee and yank it.

  259. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Here’s The Definitive List of Alternative Names for Anthony (please add any I may have missed):

    Mr. Mustache
    Mr. Pornstache
    Mr. Milquetoast
    Mr. Cold Cream of Wheat
    Mr. Wheat Germ

    Any I missed?

  260. Tukla in Iowa
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    I wasn’t ready FOOB back when Anthony was married, but these flashbacks make me think Therese was *awesome*.

  261. Calvin
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    203. Yeah, flaming chihuahuas. Of course he doesn’t want to be too obvious about his spiritual journey; finding out who he really is. Look at Jeremy rolling his eyes; he knows the truth.

    Pierce is gay. Sorry, D’ijon (or however you spell it).

  262. man behind the curtain
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    FBOW — On the one hand you can admire Therese for deciding to leave her daughter with the person who would be the best parent.
    On the other hand ANTHONY???

  263. Anythingbutwork
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    When you think about it, it’s a heck of an achievement for Lynn Johnston to have so many people posting enraged comments, day in and day out, about her characters and their word balloons. I mean, if the comic had simply become lame and boring, like Cathy, it would be ignored, and if it were ridiculous like Mary Worth (or Gil Thorp, or Archie, or…) the postings here would just be funny. Heck, the artist who created “Piss Christ” could only dream of having so many viewers shaking with rage– then hanging on the edge of their seats for the next day’s offering!

    That said,

    MT: A huge building project has to stop in its tracks because of a duck’s nest the size of a sofa cushion? Is this going to be a one-room shopping mall?

    And nature-lovers Mark, Rusty and Homer are blithely unconcerned about the nesting animals NOT out in the open that will die horrible deaths when the bulldozers shred however-many acres of forest and field. Out of sight, out of (crunch!) mind, I guess.

    I’m just glad habitat destruction isn’t an issue. Jeez, doesn’t Elrod think about these things?

    Phew! I feel better now.

  264. John
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    GT: The really sad thing about this plotline is that Cliff’s claims probably have a good deal of merit. If he contributed in any way during the creative development phase of a piece of intellectual property, then unless he has waived his rights, Gail is legally obligated to come to an agreement with him before accepting royalties. Additionally, if she didn’t disclose his contributions to the recording company, she has opened herself up to a breach of contract.

    Given the apparent amount of time that has elapsed since the release of the recordings in question, though, Cliff would have had to have had a good explanation for his failure to pursue his claims earlier. Still, it’s not unprecedented for courts to award damages in this type situation, even long after the fact.

    As Cliff would have known, if he’d thought to hire a high school assistant coach of his own.

  265. John
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    Your line on FOOB beginning “Was 2003 . . . ? gave me a good laugh on an otherwise stressful day. And I love the banana in panel two there, as well. My French teacher would have slammed his fist on the table and yelled >

    Thanks for all you do and write!

  266. kristi_poet
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Foob: Let’s look on the bright side…apparantly marriages of high school sweethearts result in higher homicide rates than other marriages.

  267. Dingo
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    We can laugh at Cliff and his ya-yas versus la-las but isn’t that what got Christopher Cross an Oscar for Best Song with Arthur’s Theme? Supposedly, his contribution was “when you got caught between the moon and New York City.” Crikey, Meryl Streep had to schlep across Brooklyn and Poland to earn hers!

    Cliff deserves more than a van. He deserves a van with… an eight-track tape player!

  268. T. Chicana
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    So…wait, who stole Pastythony from Liz in high school? I don’t think the foobsite archives go back that far…

  269. Squid Countess
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    #246, 258 – I agree that it’s totally cool that they posted Dingo’s letter. Sometimes, though, I can picture the smug, deluded Lynn-is-all-glorious true believers printing anti-Lynn letters as kind of a “joke” – like, “Ha! Look at this one! Pro-Therese! Liz is a tramp! What a nut! I bet this guy also believes aliens have stolen all his furniture and replaced it with exact replicas and the CIA is communicating with his dog! Bwahahaha! God, the crazies out there. We should let other people see this one. Let’s post it.”

  270. True Fable
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    #225 Bootsy – Ah, but the Roopville Kid is not worthy to be so much as your erstwhile bootblack, my dear one! But if the position’s available, I can work wonders when I kneel. ;-)

    The thermometer claims it is on 87 degrees outside, but having just waded through traffic in a van (a VAN!) that decided to ignore the quaint notion of air conditioning this summer, it felt like 105. The humidity is barely fit for lungfish and the humanity in Greater Metropolitan Roopville can’t drive worth a boxcarload of quink.

    I’ve got to go soak and sleep a while, see you cool cats and kittens later.

  271. Albuqwirkymom
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Foob: Conga Rats to everyone who got the Cawfee Tawk letter published.

    The only hope I have for salvaging this strip is for Elly to wake up in bed with Bob Newhart.

    “Honey, you won’t believe the dream I just had.”

  272. Renee J
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    MW: Here’s to hoping Dawn becomes the next Aldo!

  273. Albuqwirkymom
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    #259 – Stacheless
    The Creep Formerly Known As Pornstache
    and of course, Lizthony

  274. SmartPeopleOnIce
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    FW I thought the opposite of “omnipotent” was “idempotent” (heh heh, little joke for the math nerds joining us today. Yeah, I don’t get it either).

    But I kid band director lady.

    That gal’s all right.

    Veal! Waitress! Red Greenback!

    PS: What? No more than a scant titter for the talking duck in MT? I smell a J.F.W.U. here.

  275. June Morgan's Larger Breast
    August 24th, 2007 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    # 80 Dingo– You darling, darling man, congratulations! No Walmart AND I’m sure that addition will make all the difference. Good luck at the sing-off! (and I like how you celebrate…)

  276. Lame Name
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    I have really enjoyed everyone’s FOOB rants today — and I do mean everyone. I don’t have much to add to them except to say that it makes me sick that Therese’s dreams of living in the big city and getting established in her career before or instead of becoming a mother were selfishly crushed by her husband. And she’s the one that gets called selfish.

  277. Squid Countess
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

  278. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]


    Sorry Calvin:

    Pierce (a great pun name) is not gay, he’s into Punk / Goth culture. Further information can be found on a different page on your browser.

  279. Bitter Scribe
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Has any real bank, ever, at any time, used bags with dollar signs on them?

  280. Brown-eyed Girl
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    I am annoyed by the revisionism going on in FOOB. I’ve been told a story, and now the author is changing that story. It’s ironic, but I think Lynn is paying too much attention to reader comments. Why else spend so much time and energy explaining the damn mustache?

    Today’s strip, particularly Candace’s closing quip, angers me. My brother stayed in the town where we grew up, bought a house from a family friend, sent his children to the same church school we attended, and still socializes with people he went to grade school with. I moved to the big city (actually, several big cities) for a successful career and miscellaneous adventures. My brother found strength and comfort in the familiar, while I found it stifling. The choices weren’t right or wrong, just different. Yet Lynn has characterized the same choices in her characters as good on one hand and selfish on the other.

    The Liz/Anthony romance depresses me. No matter how much Lynn keeps explaining, it still seems to me that their relationship is a desperate attempt to recreate an idealized past.

  281. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    What we could hope for:

    Francisco Explains It All

  282. skankmonkey
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    Ah, snark! Is there anything better for the soul? Especially when you’re having a really bad day, a day when you think you totally suck at everything? You people are just, well, the best!

    That being said, the Ziggy blobfish scared the holy crap out of me. And quite possible turned me into a vegetarian.

  283. Dan Coyle
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    “He just looks like a guy in a padded suit to me!”


  284. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Alright, I’ve decided. When April turns 18, I’m going to take her far, far away from Milborough and the Foobiverse. She needs to be saved from the hell and misery that is the Patterfoob lifestyle.

    No-talent assclown dumb-luck Michael has already settled into the Patterfoobiverse with his gender-balanced litter of filthy, suckling snots and submissive wyfe (wife). So damn convenient that he’s got both his parents AND Dee’s parents fronting up the cash so the literary loser can have a house with a big lot.

    Flabby-assed bun-haired Elizaloser is on the fast track to becoming the brooding, screeeeching, fat-nosed Grendel herself. Despite acting like a moron since high school, she had an awesome opportunity to break out of the Patterfoob curse when she moved North and be her own person. But, no……….such a promising future she had, only to flush it down the shitter for the sake of childish fantasies. How sad. Lizzardbreath is a lost cause at this point, save for some miracle.

    The only hope we have left is April. Her Sawney-Bean parents don’t seem to be trying to bust her down the same path as her two older, foobish, cursed siblings…….yet. For right now, they basically ignore her for the most part.

    So, that’s it……..I’m kidnapping April before they really get their clutches into her, scramble her brain and fuck up her life forever.

    But I can’t do this alone. Who will help me?

    We will take her around the world, show her a world that is not the Foobiverse, instill in her such things like independence, self-reliance, resourcefulness, dignity, class, and sophistication……….everything the Foobiverse despises.

    If and when at some point April decides to visit the Foobiverse again, she will be immune to the Sawney-Bean Patterfoob family and their horrid clutches. April will not settle down for a life of malaise, mediocrity, cold Cream of Wheat and foobery. She will not be trapped into that web of shyt.

    April will start a new trend. She will live far, far away. She will be her own person, free from the manipulative, energy-sucking Patterfoobs + Angsthony. She will have a great career as a veterinarian. She will marry someone completely unknown to the Foobiverse. She will not spit out kids right away………IF EVER. She will travel and have fun.

    Question is, how powerful is the gravitational pull and power of Foobland? Will this all simply be done in vain?

  285. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    #269 Squid Countess:

    That’s fine, let Lynn’s minions think what they want. As long as Mudgie comments get posted at Foob-central, the message gets out to many fans of FBOFW and that’s great!

  286. Kate
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    I vote April unleashes her repressed eroticism and goes roadside with Therese.

  287. Perky Bird
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    #284 Joe:
    I like your idea. However, I have to admit I read the last line as, “Will this all simply be done in a van.”

    And I thought, “What, are you borrowing the Ben Franklin-esque drummer’s van to do this?”

  288. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    #286 Kate:

    That’s a FABULOUS idea. Therese can take April and shield her from the Foobiverse.

    Therese is a rare gem. She managed to escape the Patterfoob terror. But just barely.

  289. Joe
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    #287 PerkyBird:

    “in vain”, vs “in a van”……………’doh!

  290. Johnny Q
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy: That cartoon reminds me of a song in the Rogers & Hammerstein musical FLOWER DRUM SONG:

    My grandpa was a big-game hunter

    He met Grandma swinging from a tree

    If you want attractive children

    Don’t marry me!

    LUANN’s TJ: So that’s what happened to Adam Ant! (He needs his war paint.)

    FOOB: Now that Therese is single, can I get a date with her?

  291. Lynngineering
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    #246 Dingo – Congratulations on the koffeeklatch intervention. I heartily endorse posting on it, it should be occupied by the CCers. Go Thérese indeed.

  292. Gabe
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Holy Shit, OnIce, I totally missed the talking duck! It’s as blatant as the potato(e). Maybe they should go on tour together as a comedy duo.

  293. Helena Handbasket
    August 24th, 2007 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    I just found a blog that lays out exactly what my problem with Asshathony is, he’s The Guy I Don’t Like.

    I had an intuitive understanding of everything stated there, but that post lays it out perfectly. Now my creepy-crawly “Anthony is a weasely jerk” vibe has a rational underpinning!

  294. Poteet
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    # 188 — BWAHAHA! T. Chicana, that is EXCELLENT!

  295. bats :[
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: a tip o’ the hat to Dean Booth, whose magnificent force-field keeps LJ and her cronies at bay:

  296. Chris
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    Not being a regular FOOB reader I must ask – is the artist usually so liberal with exclamation points?

  297. MossMoses
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    Doc Drew was either working on his bike chain in the parking lot or changing toner in the printer.

    Why did he pick Vera over Dawn, anyway? He sucked face with both of them. Neither of them is necessarily what one would consider a mental giant and they both have butt ugly hairstyles. Was it Vera’s razor sharp wit and playful banter that won him over? Does he hate horsees? Was it the three day spitswappalooza? He told Dawn, “when I’m with you, I don’t think”. Why waste time thinking about her now?

    Dawn will end up seeing AmazingWhewDrew in Charterstone with Vera and Mary Worth will need to intervene in her typically nosy manner.

  298. Calico
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    #296 –

    MT – I don’t what will be a worse fate for that duck – to be Duckdozed, live with Mr. Construction worker who tries to feed it pizza and beer, or to be ensconsed in a Rusty-cell at LoFo with a camera lens shoved up its ass for five weeks.

  299. Zen Doggies
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    Okay, somebody help me here, please. I seem to remember that it was Anthony who pressured Therese to have a baby. Now it turns out it was her parents’ doing?

    Confused in Boston

    PS Therese may have unleashed the mustache on a horrified human race, but she appears to have spared us having to look upon Anthony in shorts. I think that act may qualify her for sainthood.

  300. The Divine O’F
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    80 Dingo: Way to go! Mazel tov!

    89 Poteet: I never watch horror movies but watched The Shining because the book scared the pee-waddin’ out of me. The movie, not so much. I just put it down to yet one more movie ruined by Jack Nicholson’s overacting.

    You guys have me scared to read today’s comics.

  301. bats :[
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    300. Divine O’F: Face your fears! Read the comics!
    The FOOB one looks somewhat off-putting because of all the verbiage, but hey, when you have to invent a back-story bacause the peasants are gathering outside the gates with torches and pitchforks, so be it…

  302. "Semicolon" Jones
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    FBOFW Since when does the Joker have tattoos and piercings? This is distressingly contradictory with Batman canon. *shakes fist*

  303. Squid Countess
    August 24th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    #13 Alamo – Not just “nope” but “Hell nope!”

    #259 – Well, I did get a COTW for comparing Anthony’s lips to 7-11 bologna. Bologna lips?

  304. Echo
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    I get irritated when people refer to The Asshole as a “good guy”.

    I’m one of those apparently weird girls who really would rather have Scott Summers than Logan, who would not run off with the Goblin King in Labyrinth, and who would absolutely not go for the Phantom of the Opera — though I’d give Raoul a pass too. I like, and have always liked, the “good guy”, and have always avoided the “bad boy”. Good guys are neither bland nor boring.

    Most importantly, good guys are not assholes. Anthony is an asshole. He hit on a woman right after she was almost raped, while he himself was still married. He tried to change Therese in far more important ways than clothes or sandwiches. He’s pined for his high school girlfriend for how many years now? He’s a sick creep; he’s not good, or nice, or interesting (even his creepishness is oddly dull) or anything but a Foob.

  305. Big Sims, The Good Natured Roadblock
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    # 80
    Congrats again m’dear man Dingo! A banner week for you. Shows in Chicago, sashaying plumbers and now a job! Better play the numbers!

  306. Patrick
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:18 pm [Reply]

    Okay, someone probably already mentioned it, but I was in a fraternity and whenever I see “The Shocker” I don’t think of a super villain. Or, maybe I do, but he doesn’t rob banks. He does something else. With his fingers.

  307. TB Tabby
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    306 Patrick: “The Shocker also means an obscene gesture” is our new “Aldo looks like Captain Kangaroo.”

  308. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    # 306

    Yes, it’s been explained.

  309. Major Hoople's Boarding House
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:39 pm [Reply]


    If Anthony was gay, would he attract a man?

    JUST wondering, that’s all…

  310. bats :[
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    310. Major Hoople:
    If Anthony were dead, he couldn’t attract flies.

  311. Uncle Lumpy
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    #310 bats :[ –

    If Anthony were in Funky Winkerbean, Tom Batiuk wouldn’t bother to kill him.

  312. MossMoses
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    309. Blandthony actually does swing both ways. Ubeknownst to the ever gullible Lizardbreath, this is the real reason his marriage fell apart. Therese caught Gordo dropping trou’ with Glandthony performing oral sex on him. After all, pimping hummers and crevasses is part of his job. This inappropriate intimacy really assisted him in climbing to the very pinnacle of the corporate ladder to become Cinabun Administrator at Gordo’s Auto World in the first place. Besides fat, prematurely aged, bald losers living a lie, most other gay men would not find him attractive.

  313. Poteet
    August 24th, 2007 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    # 304 — Amen, sister Echo. I’m certain that both Blanthony and Lynn think he’s a wonderful good guy, and lord knows she keeps trying to demonstrate his deep wonderfulness. But he is, as you stated, a Foob. Blanthony, I know and like some good guys and you are not like them. Your “squick” factor is at the top of the chart. Eww.

  314. commodorejohn
    August 24th, 2007 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    #304 Echo – Anthony’s not a good guy, he’s a “good guy.” He’s someone we’re supposed to view as a “nice guy” and “stable” and “dependable” despite being none of the above. The entire FOOBiverse, besides April, Candace, and Therese (I think Howard Erk got cast out of existence, so he doesn’t count,) is totally head-over-heels in love with Anthony, and Liz is just the lucky beaver who gets to be trapped with him for all eternity. When we call him a “good guy,” we mean it in the Finger-Quotin’ Margo sense.

    A3G – What, was Tommie planning to turn him down, figuring that he’d talk incessantly about his divorce? Is he trying to reassure her that it won’t be a topic? I’m no expert on dating, but I thought “Don’t Talk About Former Lovers” was pretty high on the list of rules.

    BB – has apparently crossed over into Archie.

    Crankshaft – Theme song for this comic strip? “My Generation” by The Who (“I hope I die before I get old.”)

    Crock – To borrow a line from Josh, the frank sexuality of today’s Crock disturbs me. To no end.

    DTM – Dennis The Menace borrows a cat from Mark Trail. (Though, unfortunately, the loving, high-quality detail of Elrod’s animal artwork doesn’t carry over.)

    DT – That is one convoluted path of motion in panel two. I…I can’t even figure out how that would work, and I’m not going to try.

    FOOB – So…wait, yesterday Therese was a Bad, Bad Lady for trying to change Anthony, but today we’re defending Anthony for trying to change Therese? Is a little consistency too much to ask, Lynn? Look, you don’t have to make Therese look like a saint if you don’t want to; in the real world, divorces are ugly things where both parties are usually partly at fault – whichever party broke the camel’s back, it’s likely that both were adding straws. As long as you’re retconning (and you totally are,) you could make it something believable like that, have Therese look bad, and still salvage Anthony for marriage to Liz. But you don’t want that; you want us to accept him as he is, so it’s Evil Manipulativeness when Therese tries to do the changing, but it’s okey-dokey when Anthony nags her into having a baby and settling down in the ‘burbs. Yeah, right. Go ahead, Lynn, keep telling us how wonderful Anthony is, keep having characters put down Therese for being a cheating Satan-In-Miniature, but I’m not buying it.

    FW – What on Earth does she mean by “swinging between being omnipotent and merely nipotent?” Is Batiuk just profoundly ignorant of etymology, or is this supposed to be a play on “impotent?” (In which case, does Becky have…physical deformities other than the obvious? There’s a topic that hasn’t been tackled in the funnies yet.)

    GA – This is reminding me of the ending to an old cartoon, but I can’t remember which one.

    GT – Not only does Kaz rock the Stardust tiny-square-head-on-sloped-shoulders look, his girlfriend apparently can detach her head from her neck. I’ve given up understanding; I’m just cataloguing now.

    JP – I’m missing the T, but that’s some nice A in panel one.

    MT – Oh man, this is shaping up to be even better than the bird storyline. Although the lack of Sam Hill does kinda ratchet it down a notch.

    MW – Ah, the Liz Patterson technique!

    NS – You could replace just about every non-Danae Non Sequitur with a full-strip panel of “HA HA THE RICH ARE EVIL” and nobody would notice.

    OBH – Oh man, this is turning into a storyline? I’m saving this one. The best part so far is Ruthie’s arbitrary $38 pricetag on herself – it’s like the one part of a conspiracy theory that’s so out-of-nowhere that you somehow think, “there’s no way they could possibly have made that up.”

    SM – Boy, Josh called it – the Shocker’s just standing around, and JJ and Maria are already skirmishing.

    And now for the coup de grace: something that came to me a couple nights ago, but which, thanks to work and the Minnesota State Fair, I haven’t had time to post until now. There are many good parodists on the CC, and I’m sure they could’ve done this better, but sometimes you just gotta do something yourself. Presenting…

    The Dark Side Of The FOOB

    Shut Up
    * A sound collage, featuring tape loops of Michael jabbering about his book progressively layered on top of each other until April tells them to “SHUT UP!” *

    Canadian air
    Fix timelines? Don’t you dare

    Don’t leave home
    Learn your lesson: never roam

    How you live and who you wed
    And where your parents put your bed
    And what you like and who you see
    Is decided by mom Elly

    Rabbit run
    Get the dogs and have some fun
    Go harass the gal with bun
    Make her look just like another human one

    How you sing and where you live
    Until Dee snaps and makes a shiv
    Watching father play with trains
    Can’t help but drive you insane

    On The Run (From Mtigwaki)
    * An instrumental/sound collage, dominated by the sounds of Warren’s chopper and the First Nations folk putting down Liz for her selfish decisions. And, of course, “WAIT!” *

    Time (And Aphasia Confuse-Ya)
    Ticking away the moments that make up the dull day
    Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
    Thinking about the girls who’ll put out in your own world
    Waiting for Iris and Elly to yammer away

    Tired of sitting in your highchair
    Staying home when life is pain
    When you were young and life is long
    And there were Nazis killed that day

    And now today you find you cannot even sign
    April comes, the only one
    Save for Michael, Favorite Son

    And you shout and you shout to get your words out but they’re sticking
    “Boxcars” and Saturns are coming out of you instead
    Liz is the same, in a relative way, as her mother
    And Michael will blather you very nearly to death

    Iris still is getting shorter
    More and more an ugly gnome
    And Liz is seeing more and more of
    Mustache man who has no home

    Hanging on in quiet desperation is the Foobish way
    Your time ain’t come, it’s still not over
    Maybe you should get away

    Breathe (reprise)
    Home again
    Liz couldn’t stand that Mtig plan
    So she came home, sad and lonely
    Just in time to make eyes at Anthony

    Far away, in Injun town
    The telling of the biddy clan
    Says that Susan’s “gone roadside”
    In her “driveway’s” the “car” of Liz’s man

    The Great “Gig” On The “Roadside”
    * Just like the original, only even more so. You know what I mean. *

    Lizzy, you’re a Foob
    You’re a first-class boob, a real big goob
    Lizzy, come to pass
    That you’ll slowly start to love the ‘Stache

    New house; April? Louse! ‘Burban mom’s dream
    Daughter’s a tramp now that she’s sixteen

    Lizzy, get back
    Quit that teaching, getcher life back on track
    Michael, it’s a hit
    Boxcar novel about an Irish twit

    John’s in the HO fantasy backyard railroad set
    Elly’s pranked by all the pets

    * Hose-O-Phonium and April’s guitar solos *

    Cheating is a crime
    Unless Therese was doin’ it too the whole time
    ‘Tony, so they say
    Is a man among all the men today

    But if you look for a rise it’s no surprise
    Therese cut it all away

    Us And Them
    Us, and Them
    And after all, they’re only ordinary men
    Me, and You
    Goddess Lynn knows we’re truly faithful, faithful Foobs

    “I have no home anymore,”
    the Mustache cried
    “Just wait for me, and you can be
    My girl on the side”

    Both, are Two
    But one can speak, and one can only poo
    Black, and Brown
    And in the end, they’ll only let you down, and down

    “Haven’t you heard Michael’s book is a turd”
    The faithful readers sighed
    “Listen, chums,” quoth the authorial one
    “I’ve cast you all aside”

    * Another Hose-O-Phonium solo *

    Out, About
    Liz, come back home, and quit it, cut it out
    Kids, without
    “Here, have a check, your book is worth twenty-five thou”

    “Get out of the house,” said the man to his spouse
    “My manuscript’s inside”
    As part of the choke on folks who would smoke
    The Kelpfroths died

    Any Colour You Like (As Long As It’s White)
    * Musically, just like the original, only with the racist rant from “Waiting For The Worms” from The Wall added in. Because, after all, you’re only supposed to mate with your “own kind.” *

    Brain Damage
    The Foobatic is on the page
    The Foobatic is on the page
    Remembering ‘stache, and creepy basement cage
    Got to vent the FOOB-induced rage

    The Foobatic is in the mail
    The Foobatics are in my mail
    The paper holds their Muppet faces, ‘spite the bore
    And everyday the paperboy brings more

    And if the wedding is held many years too soon
    And if there is no smoke in the doob
    And if Lynn overflows with horrors fresh and new
    I’ll see you on the dark side of the FOOB

    The Foobatic is in my head
    The Foobatic is in my head
    I’ll raise the pen, I’ll make the change
    I’ll re-arrange them ’til they’re sane

    I’ll lock the door, and throw away the key
    Lynn can’t get through my head; she won’t get me

    And if the slurp-chomps linger in your ear
    You shout and Lynn just doesn’t hear
    And if the band they’re in starts playing more new tubes
    I’ll see you on the dark side of the FOOB

    Eclipsed (By The Butt)
    All that you touch
    And all that you see
    All that you taste
    All you feel
    All that you love
    And all that you hate
    All you distrust
    All you save
    And all that you give
    And all that you deal
    And all that you buy
    Beg, borrow, or steal
    And all you create
    And all you destroy
    And all that you do
    And all you say
    And all that you eat
    And everyone you meet
    All that you fight
    And everyone you slight
    And all that is now
    And all that is gone
    And all that’s to come
    And everything under the sun is in tune
    But Lynn’s in control of the FOOB

    (Credit where credit is due: CC reader Steve originally parodied “Brain Damage,” and I lifted bits and pieces for my version.)

  315. Goggle Hat
    August 24th, 2007 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    You’d think that that chair would be more comfortable without those accessories in your wazoo.

  316. Lame Name
    August 24th, 2007 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    304. Echo — That blog irritated me when it put Jack from Lost in the same category as Raoul. I think they gave Jack a pretty interesting character — especially in the last season. Guy’s got issues. But he’s got substance. And that’s really what it should come down to. Does your character have substance? Blandthony doesn’t. And you are dead-on when you say even his creepiness is dull.

  317. IdleDandy
    August 24th, 2007 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    257 Squid Countess

    I’m sure you know this, but bipolar is not a synonym for “insane. ”

    It’s not a synonym, no, and bipolar is not “insane” in the legal sense.

    However, in the psychological sense, insanity is “serious mental illness or disorder impairing a person’s capacity to function normally and safely,” and untreated bipolar disorder certainly qualifies.

    But really, I was just making a joke about a comic strip.

  318. alamo
    August 24th, 2007 at 10:19 pm [Reply]

    259 — dildo doofuss

  319. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 25th, 2007 at 1:34 am [Reply]


    MW: Dr Drew is in oblivious ecstasy.

    Ziggy: Well, someone really liked that Six Chix seashell joke from last week.

    GT: Cliff is dismissed with a wretched pun. But at least they went to the union to get his replacement. In the eighties Gail might have trend-hopped and rented a drum machine.

    GA: Sit back and relax, Slim. Don’t hurry to get out.

    S-M: Oh this is rich. The Shocker is about to have his glorious criminal career cut short when the bank he heisted collapses on him. Worse yet, his death will only be mentioned in passing in stories about Maria Lopez’s ankle injury.

    FW: So Becky will now have pneumonia and only one hand to blow her nose? Is Batiuk trying to get sadism renamed after himself?

    BC: But clumsy isn’t… He’s no prize but he’s got a full head of… This is just sad.

    Archie: I have a hard time believing that Big Ethel could afford her own hot dog truck. A more credible visual for the third panel would be Ethel holding Jughead’s arm as he started to shake from the heroin.

  320. Hank
    August 25th, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Today’s FOOB: So now Therese’s decision to have an affair, divorce the chinless wonder and leave her kid was the fiendish result of ….post-partum depression?

  321. idiodyssey
    August 25th, 2007 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    Therese could surely become the Moriarty to Syndicated Spidey’s Holmes if Spiderman’s Holmes possessed even just the simplest ability to move out of the way of a brick about to knock is block off.

  322. idiodyssey
    August 25th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

  323. Champ
    August 25th, 2007 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    Why do banks keep their money in those bags with the dollar signs on them? It seems as if you’re just asking for trouble. Maybe they should put something like a skull and crossbones on them. That might discourage ne’re-do-wells such as The Shocker.

  324. Hank
    August 25th, 2007 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    RE: Spider-man…so the first supervillain in months to show up in this strip gets defeated…not by the titular hero…but by an old geezer with a Hitler stache and a Romulan TV show host?

    Stan really, really, needs to fire his ghost writer.

  325. Spr. Dave
    August 25th, 2007 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    Ziggy’s genealogist is saying that Ziggy’s family tree will never go down, as he is unable to produce any branches in either capacity allusive.

  326. Steve
    September 4th, 2007 at 6:48 am [Reply]

    Is the Ziggy comic implying that Ziggy HAS no ancestors? That he somehow sprung from the ether, fully formed?

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