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Marty Moon, ace reporter

Gil Thorp, 12/3/07

“Yeah, we could probably test it at Tilden … by why not just keep failing spectacularly with the offense that was terrible before we stopped practicing it? Since we already have no chance to make the playdowns, there’s no point in having fun or trying hard in any of our remaining games. A healthy diet of humiliation will have our boys all the more eager to pull their half-assed Wing T trickery against Valley Tech!”

Meanwhile… Marty Moon suddenly realizes the free press’s obligation to challenge the Putinesque dictatorship of Coach Thorp’s athletic administration. Unfortunately, he’s eight weeks behind teenaged dim bulbs Howard and Tony in mining the Google for useful anti-Gil ammunition. Presumably old-school radio man Marty usually avoids the Web and has been waiting for this whole “Internet” fad to blow over, but recently discovered that you can buy booze there.

Apartment 3-G, 12/3/07

Dizziness … giddiness … elevated heart rate … shortness of breath … Nurse Thompson carefully reviewed the symptoms in her mind, thinking back to her medical training to try to come up with a correct diagnosis. Could it have been the one syndrome that wasn’t in her dusty textbooks: sexual arousal? Or maybe it was an asthma attack. Yes, that seemed more likely.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/3/07

That right there, if I’m guessing correctly, is Mopey Pete, erstwhile persecuted high school dork and comics artist, spurned by best friend Darrin when the latter started dating a hot girl. According to, post-time-jump Pete is now a successful writer for Marvel Comics. For what purpose has he returned to WinkerLand? I imagine that he’s breathing in the heady smell of Montoni’s pizza before he walks into the restaurant and starts unloading ammunition into everyone who ever wronged him.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/3/07

“You sit over there, under daddy’s whore picture. That’s the whore chair. For whores like you.”

191 responses to “Marty Moon, ace reporter”

  1. Uncle Lumpy
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    Liz fails her very first test in Mommery: never ask a question if you won’t accept the answer. Unless, of course, she’s happy with the whore chair.

  2. Tilt Araiza
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    Two panels out of three of nothing but the Batiuk smirk. I nearly punched my monitor.

  3. Uncle Lumpy
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    Why doesn’t Lynn Johnston just give up cartooning and live off the proceeds of her Zip-a-Tone hoardings?

  4. Perky Bird
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    GT– I love the flashy fur epaulettes the Milford team (or is it Valley Tech?) added to their uniforms! Tres chic!

    #2 Tilt Araiza–If you look closely at panel two, the restaurant is also smirking…

  5. Chupper
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:29 pm [Reply]


  6. Anna Nimity
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    “Whore picture?” Aw, c’mon Josh! That’s a giant blowup of their friend Candace in her bridesmaid’s dress! Yeah, that’s it. The see through skirt with the thong underneath,and the, um, cat… wait a minute, you might be right.

  7. Zaq
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only one who seriously wants to punch Mopeman in that FW? I mean, there’s smirks, and then there’s “please punch me.” And I’m not usually violent.

    Gil Thorp makes about as much sense as… well, nothing makes quite as little sense as Gil Thorp. But what else is new.

  8. Jamus The Bartender
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    FW: The type of stories Marvel has been putting out the last few years, i’d say mowing down Montoni’s is pretty much par for the course for one of it’s writers.
    FOOB: I laughed for a solid five minutes at “The whore chair. Under the whore picture. For whores like you.” Thank you, Josh.

  9. Anna Nimity
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    And I’m sorry, but that little china figurine with the dancing couple in panel two? More evidence that Lawrence and Assthony are really the same person. C’mon, have we ever seen them in a panel together? Hm?

  10. Mack
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Since when does Francie look exactly like a tiny Shannon?

  11. your father isn't mr. cohen
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    Christmas has come early to the not-Cohen house (aka seedy apartment under a noisy lady drug dealer who will never be kicked out as she is also the landlord’s girlfriend’s daughter) this year! Thanks Josh!

  12. Lord-z
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    Is *pant pant* a soundeffect, or is Tommie just saying pant to Blondie there. Either way, I want no part of what is going on.

    It will never work out between those two. Tommie is a nice fifties kind of girl, while Gary is clearly from the sixties. Or a hipster from present days. Still, Tommie needs someone from her own decade. Does anyone know if Perry Como is single?

    While I am on A3G, is Click-ka-chunk the sound of the jukebox changing record, or are they at a techno-rave.

  13. Meanwhile
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:41 pm [Reply]

    GT: Okay, obviously that’s Spock in the third panel, because obviously he’s on the bridge of the original Star Trek’s U.S.S. Enterprise. But I don’t get why he’d be using advanced 24th-century technology to spy on a third-rate high school football team and its over-botoxed coach from hundreds of years in his past. I used to think I’d seen every episode — maybe this one never made it to broadcast. Maybe it was censored because the distorted faces were just too grotesque for prime time.

  14. RoboMax
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    I’m overwhelmingly sure that Blonde Bill Gates here slipped something in Tommie’s drink.

    F00B: ..Aaaand Liz start wailing on this kid in 3-2-1…

  15. boxjam
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    That’s not a living room. That’s a dentist’s waiting room.

  16. boxjam
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Gil’s offense has been so ineffective because his quarterback has two elbows.

  17. Reynard Noir.
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure showing her Michael’s horrible book counts as child abuse.

  18. Anna Nimity
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:52 pm [Reply]

    The Fable Strikes Again! Another score for Mister Coffee Talk himself. Here’s a teaser from his latest rant… check it OUT!

    “Dear Lynn and Company, Oh, enough already. I don’t care if you print only a part of this or none of it at all. There are some things I have to get off my chest with you…”

    Go Fable Go!

  19. Lake Eerie
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    I think we’re all overlooking the true purpose of today’s FOOB: to run a series of flashbacks about Michael.

  20. morsecode
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    I’m sure it’s unintentional, but I think Marty’s comment could actually help. If I was playing against a team and learned that one of my opponents had a history of murder, and I didn’t even know which one, I would be terrified. Of course, I’m assuming that anyone in the stadium is actually paying attention to Marty.

  21. Lake Eerie
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:54 pm [Reply]

    #16 bojam:
    Looks like the injury that forced Favre out of the game last Thursday …

  22. Groovymarlin
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    FOOB/Granthony and Cancerbean/smirking! It’s like “publish your most hated and snark-worthy material week” in comics land!

  23. Lake Eerie
    December 3rd, 2007 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    #21 Me:
    Ooookay, then. It’s boXjam, not bojam, and it was #15.

    Sorry, folks – haven’t commented in a while. I supposed my wit has been missed.

    (Fellow posters: “Lake who???”)

  24. Hip Young Urban Plugger
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    I wasn’t sure what the hell the smirking was about in FW. But here’s a theory:

    He’s actually smirking about the fact that he’s just opened up/bought a comic book shop called “Komic Korner.” This is less obvious because the colorist did his or her drunken, lazy best to ensure that the sign, in the upper left hand corner of panel two, was as inconspicuous as possible.

    Or maybe this shop is a long-time feature of the strip, and I just don’t know. Last time I read FW regularly is way back when it was more funny and less deadly.

  25. Windier E. Megatons
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    So now to make sure that the reader wants to root for Liz and Anthony to make it, every non-Patterson in the strip, up to and including his daughter, has to be turned against them? Guess what, Lynn – this is only making us like the other characters more.

  26. Jordan
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    Mopey Pete writes for Marvel ten years from now? Let me guess: Captain Marvel re-died of cancer, am I right?

    And Stan Lee’s cadaver is still writing the Spider-Man strip.

  27. Bunnë
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    You know it’s the whore picture because she’s in a see-through skirt, showing her [cat].

  28. Mumbles
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    I love the look on Granthony’s face (“oops I just shat myself”) as he realizes the no-win situation he’s in…either of these two could kick his ass senseless.

  29. flimflam
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    GT: I love that Marty is teasing the news as if he were standing next to Ryan Seacrest in a nice blouse and strappy heels. As if a confirmed killer is akin to Kate Walsh’s secret to being tall and sexy (the secret? have genetics that allow you to be tall and sexy).

    A3G: Tommie’s lightheaded. Gary has single digit thougths. Is the tavern being gased? What color is sarin gas?

  30. Perky Bird
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    Funky Lackofcontinuitybean–

    Hey, I just noticed, in the first panel, the restaurant’s windows say “Montoni’s Pizza”. In the next panel, they say “Pizza Montoni” ! Magic!

    Maybe Batuik was squinting too hard in a self-satisfied smirk and failed to notice what he’d written…

  31. Sobek
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    Unloading ammunition? In the Winker-verse? Not likely. He’s probably going to surreptitiously spread asbestos fibers on all the counter-tops.

  32. Lettuce
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: I think this was supposed to be a Sunday strip, so there are some panels missing between 2 and 3.

    Panel 2:
    Kid: Can I see? I wanna see!
    Anthony: Of course you can.

    Panel 2.1
    Kid: This… this book is horrible! What traumatic sequence of brain injuries wrote this thing?
    Liz: My brother! See, here’s a picture of our whole family…

    Panel 2.2
    Kid: Who’s that guy there, next to the old harridan? It looks like… wait? Daddy! Dear GOD! That man looks just like YOU!
    Liz: That’s _my_ father.
    Kid: (To Liz) If your lips weren’t already the size of a recently-fed ball python I’d hit you, lady.

    Panel 2.3
    Anthony: Don’t speak that way to Daddy’s friend!
    Kid: (to Anthony)I know you are about as sophisticated romantically as a roadkill faun, but still you should be able to see the psychosexual nightmare realm Weeble-ass here is leading you into. I’ll try to explain it as simply as possible…

    Panel 3:
    Kid: (to Liz) My Daddy! — He’s mine!!
    (etc etc.)

  33. Little Guy
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    FW: Last panel, he just let out a ‘Silent But Deadly’.

    FOOB/GWONG: Oh God. Another post-hybrid week to retcon how terrible Therese was, and how traumatized Froggette was left because of her.

    Candorville: This is either going to be very good for Lemont or very bad.

    Curtis: Watch Curtis’ dad rip Dr Cosby for doing what he does on a semi-regular basis, especially when cigarettes are involved.

  34. essteess
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    FOOB–Memo to Liz: If the kid starts calling herself Rhoda and says things like “What will give you me for a basketful of kisses?” and “I like apricot juice” then RUN LIKE THE EFFING WIND.

    SPIDERMAN–I don’t know why, but The Persuader [] reminds me of a larger, belligerent Shemp Howard, with similarly unruly hair [].

  35. Satanic Mechanic
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    Blah. I did my usual and passed up my chance to be the sixth commentor by a combination of not looking at how many comments there were and researching Management Intensive Grazing when I could have been commenting! Well, six aint that good anyway.

  36. Niall
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    I never look at foob anymore. I heard a lot yesterthread about this one, so I had a look at it above. And… hunh? How long have Liz and Anthony been together? From what I understand, it’s been… months? A year? By now, this kind of behaviour from the spouse-child should have dissipated or gone more hostile; this is the “within the first few weeks” stage.

    Not-Cohen, better wish for better upstairs neighbours at this rate! Who knows!

    HYUP, great observation; the strip is meant to run B&W, so the colouring is probably not even passed by Batiuk for approval. Mind you, the layout still makes it bad to see, and that’s definitely Batiuk’s domain.

    12. LordZ, I also remarked on the rave possibility. :)

  37. Francis
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    From now on, Funky Winkerbean is going to focus on the basics: No talking. No plots. Just smirking.

  38. AhClem
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – Anthony’s living room is like a time machine. All he needs is a sunken conversation pit, a few Lava lamps, a pipe rack and some Herb Alpert on the Hi-Fi, and it’s 1972, baby!

  39. Keg of Curd
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    50% of Marty Moon’s face points in a different direction than the other two-thirds, and I have not made an arithmetic mistake there.

  40. Forthillrox
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    I must say that I’m quite impressed with the décor of Anthony’s living room. The mod sunset themed triptych (the coffee table may match the painting too, but that streak in the first panel may also be a reflection of something, probably Liz’s saintly Patterson-ness), the art nouveau statuary and painting, of what I assume is Thérèse, and the sectional sofa which no doubt hides a roll-away bed. The whole room screams “Sears, 1986”. Just goes to show, you can remove the mustache from the man, but you can’t remove the man from the moustache.

  41. Maughta
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:52 pm [Reply]

    Whore! Ah, I’ve always wanted to call Liz that! Feels good, don’t it?

  42. maurice
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    mw: be sure to order the “levitating” fish special , down at the bum boat!

  43. Keg of Curd
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Why run the Wing T?
    I still have no fucking idea, but why the hell not, is my philosophy.

  44. Mangolia
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    Please God don’t let Francoise come to love Elizabeth just in time for Christmas please please oh my GOd I don’t think my heart can take it.

  45. capisce
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    So how about Desperate Housewives last night? Did the writers’ strike force ABC to hire Tom Batiuk?

  46. Frank Parsnip
    December 3rd, 2007 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    Valley Tech’s fur epaulettes are taken from the pelts of other teams’ mascots they have skinned after successful games. Teams that use plush-coated animals are far luckier than schools that feature kids dressed as “vikings” or assorted Native American warriors. Nos. 3 and 14 seem to have gotten some deep shag on, but poor No. 5 looks like he’s been stuck with the back or ass hairs of the Millersville Spartan mascot.

  47. True Fable
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    #18 Anna Nimity – Thank you sweet pea! I was surprised that they ran it, and ran all of it. Not long ago they ran one of mine that they chopped in two, like cutting the head off a shrimp. This time you got the whole crustacean.

    I want that mug. That is on my short list of Things I Want To Get, which is: a CC COTW, make the New Yorker Caption Contest final three; WIN the New Yorker Caption Contest; get a Scaduto autograph’d TDIET panel featuring a submittal of mine; win an “I spilled the beans” mug from Lynnie Baby; a Pulitzer, a Hugo, and a really big regular mutherfuckin’ royalty check each and every quarter.

    Except right now, I’m just hoping that Yahoo will deliver my e-mails in my lifetime, damn them and their spotty service.

  48. Gagott68
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    #10: Since Francie is turning against the Patterfoob and must now be portrayed as stupid and ugly.

  49. John
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Looks like Haitian primitive art — probably a gift from that Haitian-Canadian kid whose dad abandoned him and he rented the limo to confront him a couple of years ago.

  50. Mr. Coffee Nerves
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    FOOOB: Why is Liz thanking Granthony for his compliment about St. Michael?

  51. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    38 Ah Clem
    Not Michael Oldfield?

    Commodore John
    Thanks for the link to Popeye….It looks like a Pigborn drawn in the 30′s doesn’t it? Just with more subtlety and entirely homoerotic. But that was always Popeye’s milieu, right?

  52. Lizardmess
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    Seeing the phrase “click ka chunk” in A3G we can see they’re playing Tommie’s favorite CD “Sounds of an ice machine.”

  53. Perky Bird
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    #46 Frank Parsnip–

    Ah, that explains why poor number 5 is slumped over in a dejected, embarassed manner, turning his face from us in shame. Either that, or he’s just taking a leak…

  54. Jorge Barnes
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Josh? No comments on the schmaltzy B.C.? I actually don’t even get it. I thought Hart died over a year ago. And didn’t know he was a monarch. Or an insect. Man, am I ever confused.

  55. Smash97
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    This is a totally serious question – Does A3G take place in the 1960s? None of these people can possibly be walking around in those clothes and talking like that in 2007.

  56. Mumbles
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    #38: I bet there’s a big golden “A” on the wall, like Mary Tyler Moore’s “M.” What a sad day it must have been when Therese took the “T” off the wall and hit the road.

    Maybe we can hope that Mr. Roper, who’s been assuming Anthony is gay all this time, catches him and Liz in the act and threatens to evict him.

    Okay I’ve mixed my 70s metaphors enough now.

  57. Bunnë
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    36, Niall
    To be honest, it’s hard to remember when exactly they started dating again. It was such a long buildup to a pre-ordained conclusion that the actual point as which they switched from mooning over each other to dating is moot.

    It seems to me they spent a lot of time essentially dating each other, while not admitting to themselves that they were actually doing it. This is an approach a lot of teenagers take to sex.

  58. BlinkAndItsOver
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Do people in Manhattan dance in bars (sorry, “taverns”) to music coming from juke boxes? Gee, that’s swell.

  59. essteess
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    ltrftp(not so first time) says:
    Not Michael Oldfield?

    I’m sure Anthony would have a delightful time impressing a girl with his Viv Stanshall imitation (“Two slightly disTORTED guitars…”)
    But then again, hearing the music might get him backflashing on “The Exorcist” crucifix scene and he’d start hyperventilating.

  60. AhClem
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    #51 ltrftp -
    Tubular Bells is the next record stacked on the changer.

  61. BlinkAndItsOver
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    55: Y’ know, Smash97, I added my comment (58) before I read yours, buy I think you’ve got it. I was aiming more at a 1930s-40s ambiance with my “swell” remark, but look at the men’s hairstyles in A3G … late 60s, I’d say. And people in the 60s still danced to juke box music. (They may still do it today somewhere, but seldom, I think, in big cities.)

  62. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    essteess says: ’m sure Anthony would have a delightful time impressing a girl with his Viv Stanshall imitation (”Two slightly disTORTED guitars…”)

    But then again, hearing the music might get him backflashing on “The Exorcist” crucifix scene and he’d start hyperventilating.

    Yeah, but it is also a flashback from his Honeymoon, right?

  63. queek
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    43. Plugging linebackers? Taylor was a safety.

    Plugger linebackers would be an even more horrific concept.

  64. essteess
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    ltrftp(not so first time) says:

    >Yeah, but it is also a flashback from his Honeymoon, right?

    And I bet Therese said really mean things about Anthony’s mother, too — while her head was spinning around and issuing forth pea soup.

  65. Prankster
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    Why would Pete bother with ammunition? He’s clearly gearing up to smirk everyone in the restaraunt to death.

  66. ScienceGiant
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    3G: “Wow, a coat of fresh paint.” Not “Wow! A coat of fresh paint!” But Wow comma a coat of fresh paint period.

    Tell me how is this not the front for next t-shirt for comics curmudgeon gear? And on the back? “And that’s the window where I watched the moon!!”
    Dr. Alexandre Manette – Lu ann

  67. jules
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    Dear Elizabeth:

    When someone says your brother writes well, he is not complimenting YOU; he is complimenting your brother. The correct response is not “Thanks.” The correct response is, “Are you kidding? You like this pile of owl droppings?” and then you go find yourself a man with some literary taste. Like Mopey Pete.

    Run, Liz! Run!

    Sincerely, Jules

  68. commodorejohn
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    #13 Meanwhile – I think you mean that’s Mirror-Spock – look at the goatee!

  69. Bootsy
    December 3rd, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    #39, Keg of Curd: 8 out of 5 Americans don’t understand fractions.

  70. commodorejohn
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    #52 Lizardmess – Suddenly I really want to hear this Sounds Of An Ice Machine you speak of.

  71. sonneta
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    FOOB- Panel 3- Anthony’s daughter reminds me of something out of Edward Gorey. “F is for Francie, who dared to cross a Patterson…”

  72. Moss_Moses
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    Is it just me or does Mrs. Dickens look like she’s about to grope Abbey’s buxom breast in panel two?

  73. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:09 pm [Reply]


    Isn’t Elly Anthony’s mother in a ‘loco parentis’* kind of way?

    Hit that one out of the park, why don’t ya?

    Ah Clem
    Your knowledge of the nomenclature of High Fidelity instruments is impressive.

  74. SmartPeopleOnIce
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    So the Game Day sequences are supposed to be the big payoff for the GT faithful, yes? I mean, if GT was a porno, the football games would be the sex scenes, wedged as it were between bouts of non-sensical plotting and wooden dialog?

    Well, whatever chills your earrings, I guess. But all I get is a mild headachy feeling that I can only describe as “impatient revulsion.” It’s like that recurring dream I have where the twins are sunbathing nude on the deck, Dieter drops by un-announced to fix the cable, and I’m Andrea Dworkin.

  75. etho
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    Hmm… Anthony’s daughter is making trouble for Liz. I think that’s the cue for something horribe to happen to get her out of the picture. Something that’s her fault though, so she can be properly shamed.

  76. Ukulele Ike
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    BlinkAndItsOver @ 58: All I can say is, that tavern had better have a dancing license or everyone in there dancing to that jukebox is liable to be arrested and sodomized by the NYPD. This is what happened to Thelonious Monk and Bud Powell. You could look it up.

    Popeye: Holy cats! That’s Professor Wotasnozzle!!! I can tolerate even that thing’s thunging to once again witness the adventures of dear Professor Wotasnozzle, the incomparable deus ex machina from Segar’s “Sappo,” the strip that ran on top of “Thimble Theater” back in the good old days.

    Forthillrox @ 40: You think that painting is of Therese? What sort of horrible people put up large paintings of themselves or their spouses, right there in the living room, dressed up in Floozy Clothes? Even if they do put it up over the Whore Chair?

  77. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    Smart People on Ice
    “Wooden Dialogue” in a porno movie?
    Is that like getting cockblocked by Dick Smothers?

  78. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    Ukulele Ike
    Isn’t actually a ‘cabaret’ license?

    I ask only because the plot of some tearjerker movie, (Pocketful of Miracles) turned on this question.

    some 45 years ago
    And I still sort of remember….sheesh

  79. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    Another puppy died

    I meant “(Pocketful of Miracles??????)”

  80. essteess
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    ltrftp(not so first time) says:

    Isn’t Elly Anthony’s mother in a ‘loco parentis’* kind of way?

    Gahhhhhhhhhh! Head…spinning. Vision…blurring. Can’t…continue describing symptoms…

    I think we’ve somehow segued from “The Exorcist” into Tony Perkins territory.
    “Hello, I must be going
    Well I only came to say
    I hear my mother calling
    and I must be on my way…”

  81. Hank
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:27 pm [Reply]

    RE: GT. Look at the shape of Gil’s head in the first panel. His forehead goes straight up and then the top of his head flattens out just like Frankenstein. There’s no way it can be his hair creating that illusion either. Gil is obviously a mad scientist’s failed attempt at bringing the dead to life. Either that, or Herman Munster got a new job and changed his name.

  82. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    Don’t you remember the description of the Joad boy in Grapes of Wrath who was delivered with Ice Tongs? A breech baby delivered after hours of back labor by tongs could make a head look like that. That, or a square vagina, after all, this is Gil Thorpe.

  83. Loopina
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    GA: I’m going to say it now: kittens. In two months or so, there’ll be a few more kitties for Rufus to take care of.

    Blondie: I like this better if you remove the comma in the third panel: “Or vibrating Bumstead”.

    RMMD: I’m still trying to puzzle out that tattoo. Does it say “Fajita”? I’m also going to refrain from saying anything about Rex’s deft probing.

    BB: Don’t ask.

    FC: It looks like Billy is going to GLOM those peas!

  84. Joe
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    (Repost from previous thread…..sorry…)

    Francie: My Daddy! He’s Mine!

    Elizaloser: Is it OK if I sit here too?

    Francie: Uh-Huh………but over THERE.

    Blandthony: How DARE you speak to your mommy that way, you apologize right this minute.

    Francie: pbpbpbpbfthhh! I hate Lizzardbreath! Get away from me and my daddy you stinky woman!

    Elizaloser: Why you nasty little shit. Just wait. You’re gonna pay, you little cunt!

    Francie: Shut up you big dummie-head stinky woman! Or I’m gonna tell everyone that you like to lay under my daddy, and he pushes you from behind, and I saw my daddy’s pee-pee in your mouth!!!

    Blandthony: Why you little bitch. I’m going to lock you in the basement again. Your daddy’s sex life with your mommy is none of your business, you little whore!!! Daddy has needs!!! Now you apologize to mommy RIGHT NOW!!!!!

    Francie: SHE’S NOT MY MOMMY!!!!

    Blanthony: **SLAP SLAP WHAM**

    Francie: ***HOOOOWWWWLLLL!!!!!!!***


    Elizaloser: Take the little bitch into the bathroom and drwon her in the tub. Make it look like accident.

    Blandthony: As long as you put my pee-pee in your mouth again!

    Elizaloser: Weeeeeelll…….Allllllriiiiight………mmm-mmm-mmm-phfff-phffff…….glum-mum-phffff….

  85. Margaret
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    FW: I looked at the website and see that Becky is married to John from the comic book store? What happened to Wally? Did they show him dying in that totally contrived let’s-send-an-injured-POW/escapee-back-to-war-after-he-gets-out thing? I think that John pulled some strings at the Pentagon to get Wally sent back.

  86. michael farris
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    “if GT was a porno”

    Don’t tease me like that! Now I won’t be able to get the mental images of Gail Martin “paying” Kaz for busting Ben Franklin and Cully making the one-legged kid hold his pocket out of my head.

  87. michael farris
    December 3rd, 2007 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    Now that I think I think of it,

    “If Gil Thorp was a porno…” seems like the best straight line ever.

    “If Gil Thorp was a porno… Marty Moon is the fluffer!”

    Not so great, I’m sure others can come up with better pay offs.

  88. monsieurjohn
    December 3rd, 2007 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    It’s ok, nobody heard Marty Moon spill the beans; the microphone is about 3 feet behind his head.

  89. Bucky\'s Katt
    December 3rd, 2007 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    This week’s music score to A3 is written by John Cage.

  90. Keg of Curd
    December 3rd, 2007 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    #69, Bootsy: “8 out of 5 Americans don’t understand fractions.”

    To best of my experience, certain individuals’ failure to understand fractions actually exceeds unity. That is, there are some people who, all by themselves, do nearly enough failing to understand fractions for two people. So this isn’t as implausible as it first appears.

  91. Keg of Curd
    December 3rd, 2007 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    Counterpoint, #88: they did hear said beanspillage, because the words are clearly coming out the back of his head.

  92. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 3rd, 2007 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    For what purpose has he returned to WinkerLand? I imagine that he’s breathing in the heady smell of Montoni’s pizza before he walks into the restaurant and starts unloading ammunition into everyone who ever wronged him.

    That would explain his having the broadest grin in Funkistory.

    Speaking of facial expressions, it’s hard to hate a FOOB where Granthony sports such a horrified grimace as he does in panel 3.

  93. Frinkenstein
    December 3rd, 2007 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    So when Tommie’s heart is pounding, it goes “Click Ka-Chunk?” Or is that her nether regions? Either way, is sounds as if she needs some lube.

  94. SecretMargo
    December 3rd, 2007 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    The most under-discussed reason for Anthony and Thérèse’s divorce was Thérèse’s increasing discomfort over Anthony sinking ever-increasing amounts of the family savings into vintage “mammy” artwork from around the turn of the century. While at first she tolerated the expensive habit as just another of her new hubby’s eccentricities, she eventually grew unable to put up with it any longer after his interest narrowed to collecting only pieces from an extremely rare and exorbitantly priced series of lithographs referred to by connoisseurs as “The Puking Jemimas.”

    Anthony was unsure how Liz would react to seeing such imagery displayed in the living room, but his fears were assuaged when she glanced up at the lovingly rendered ribbon of rainbow-hued regurgitation arcing across the surface of the print and merely said, “Huh. That looks a lot like Mom.”

  95. Brendan
    December 3rd, 2007 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    And with his music career down the drain, Leonard Nimoy has found work as a college football announcer, with a performance most agree is on par with his music career.

  96. michael farris
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    I really can’t be the only person in the world who hears the song “fake plastic trees” every time I read FOOB. Every. Goddamned. Time.



  97. Spunky N. Tadpole
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    MW – Missing-third-panel dialogue: “After all, caring for a pet will seriously cut into your meddling time!”

    RMMD – Good one, Rex! Why don’t you remind the gun-toting fugitive and his moll again that you know he’s wanted and on the lam?? Maybe he’s still thinking about teaching Niki some of that “deft probing”….

    BBailey – I dunno what’s more disconcerting in this strip: Sarge’s satisfied grin at the idea of having Beetle sleeping in a box at the foot of his bed: or that Beetle seems blithely oblivious to the whole thing.

    Popeye – I think the readership (all eight of them?) should actually thank Olive Oyl for finally clouting the Giant Inverted Walking Penis – and finally getting the damn plot moving! It was starting to read like some existentialist drama: I thought if I’d stopped reading it, and come back months later, the strip would still consist of Popeye and various characters mooning around endlessly blathering “don’t hit the Thung! – don’t hit the Thung!” Thimble Theater of the Absurd.


  98. Inspector Dim
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:17 pm [Reply]

    That freaking smirk is grotesque! No man can smirk like that and LIVE!

    Hmm, death by smirk. Maybe that’s next for ol’ Pete.

  99. sneedhern
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    Why does the guy in panel one of Gil Thorp have two sets of eyeballs, one on top of the other, yet no eyebrows?

  100. Zamboni_Rodeo
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    ‘Shaft: What shopping mall in their right mind would be desperate enough to hire Crankshaft as a Santa?

    Curtis: I really wonder where Billingsley is going with this. He could either be warming up for Pops to tell Curtis that everything Mr. Cosby’s been saying lately is right, or he’s going to use Curtis as a soapbox to say that Cosby’s lost his marbles.

    Doonesbury: Oh, man. This sure as hell isn’t going to be a video-game fakeout a la FW. Trudeau keeps it real again.

    FC: Echoing the “Billy is an idiot” sentiment from a previous ‘Mudge’s snark (sorry, can’t recall who said it).

    GT: I’m just curious here: is having a so-called professional broadcaster whose whole career is predicated on the local high school team’s goings-on a common occurence in some small towns, or is Marty Moon just that bad at sportscasting that this gig in Milford the only one he could get? I have a backstory in my head for him that involves him being the one-time wunderkind of sports journalism, until a drunken office Christmas party and a chance encounter with the station manager’s wife in a janitorial closet leads to his downfall (punctuated by the boss’s “You’ll never work in sports broadcasting again, Moon!” just before calling security to oust him from the building).

    Pardon My Planet: For some reason, I found this funnier than it should have been.

  101. Doctorb Science
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    Zounds! It’s an umber hulk!

  102. Keg of Curd
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:38 pm [Reply]

    Roll to save vs. confusion.

  103. Yahtzee
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    #68 — that is totally Mirror Spock. He’s come to our universe to turn evil all that is once good. Which means he must have appeared in “For Better or For Worse” first. Now it’s Gil’s turn to go. Look for Judge Thorpe to publish his magnum opus, about the hardscrabble lives of a Canadian football team on the tundra, in upcoming weeks.

  104. Hot to Trotsky
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:45 pm [Reply]

    If Gil Thorp was a porno . . . Coach Kaz would have a pearl necklace to go with his earrings.

  105. AhClem
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:47 pm [Reply]

    #73 ltrftp -
    My Hi-Fi knowledge comes from first-hand experience. I had a record changer, a 3-tube amplifier, mono albums, and somewhere I think I still have my copy of Tubular Bells.

  106. BlinkAndItsOver
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    If Gil Thorp was a porno … Marty Moon would be a professional sex heckler.

  107. Atomic Bird
    December 3rd, 2007 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    FW: An anonymous smirking man approaching Montoni’s! The suspense is killing me! I wonder if tomorrow he’ll… MAKE IT TO THE FRONT DOOR. By Thursday, THIS MAN COULD BE ORDERING PIZZA! What toppings will he order? Pepperoni? Anchovies? Who can tell? I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see how this plays out. He might even… order a soda. Coke? Sprite? It’s too soon to tell. Will he eat in or get it to go? And what about Naomi? The tension in this strip is killing me. Curse you, Batuik, for making me wait so long to find out what happens!

  108. Loopina
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:17 pm [Reply]

    #107: Whenever I see a silent strip in FW, I hope it will start channeling Lio. Maybe whatsisface will rip off his face and be an alien in a mask, or something.

  109. Shermy, the forgotten Peanuts character
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    Now, I’m not a child psychologist, nor do I play one on the Internet, but I find little Francie’s overwhelming possessiveness, combined with the basement cage and ’70s porn film decor, to be a little disturbing.

  110. Ukulele Ike
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    Itraftp @ 78: {whispering} Yes. It IS a “cabaret license.” That got Monk screwed, anyhow. Powell was, I think, just beat up by thuggish cops.

    The “dancing license” thing was at attempt at humor. {/whispering}

  111. Non Compost Mentos
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:18 pm [Reply]

    A3G: I have to say that I’m impressed with Tommie’s taste in cutting-edge retro-electronica. “CLICK-KA-CHUNK!” (1983) was, of course, one of the more obscure tracks by Kraftwerk, and was never released outside Germany. (With all due respect to Gail Martin, her 2004 Bossa Nova cover of “CLICK-KA-CHUNK!” was an ill-conceived project from the get-go, despite the haunting backing vocals by Polyphonic Spree)

  112. Trotzenbonnie
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    Yeah. Now we can all be like Marty Moon.

    My phone rang this morning and when I checked the caller ID the annoying interloper was identified as GILLE-THORPE. I kid you not. It was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me…well, that didn’t involve a circus clown, a pair of tongs and some string cheese

    Do you think this is on Chester’s Christmas wish list?

  113. Keg of Curd
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:24 pm [Reply]

    Some of you are already crafting jokes involving Mary Worth and “canned beaver.” Don’t. Just don’t.

  114. SecretMargo
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    The thing that bugs me the most about FW is its reliance on generating suspense not through actual plot or exploration of character, but by needlessly delaying the revelation of expository information. It seems almost a foregone conclusion that whatever we’ll learn about Comics Guy won’t be terribly interesting, but we’ll still have to wade our way through tiny bits of information parceled out to us day after day until we can piece together enough information to understand….the status quo. I think he’s mistaking “mind-numbingly banal” for “relatable,” “a cheap-ass way to hide the fact that my characters aren’t doing anything, and won’t be for a good long time yet” for “writing,” and “intense irritation” for “reader interest” yet again.

  115. Hysterical Woman
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    If Gil Throp was a porn…it’d be marketed to all audiences, simply because no one can tell what’s happening. They’d just have to assume that something they like is happening.

  116. commodorejohn
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    #97 Spunky N. Tadpole -

    I thought if I’d stopped reading it, and come back months later, the strip would still consist of Popeye and various characters mooning around endlessly blathering “don’t hit the Thung! – don’t hit the Thung!” Thimble Theater of the Absurd.

    Okay, this is my nomination for COTW.

  117. Loopina
    December 3rd, 2007 at 8:41 pm [Reply]

    #115: Canned? Oh, no. Nothing like that.

    Just ask Dr.Jeff.

  118. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:09 pm [Reply]

    Ah Clem
    I am buying/downloading TB for wife for Christmas.
    I hope she likes it!

  119. turingbot
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    Check it out, Tommie is the epitome of a 19-year-old gay guy who just discovered thriftstores.

    Wait a minute… I’VE GOT IT. Apartment 3-G is about a trio of uber-hipster drag queens. It all makes sense: they’re living out a fantasy world where they actually utter that stilted dialogue, where they huff and snort any drug they find (off-panel, of course), and where they go to “taverns” and use “jukeboxes” in an attempt to revive a way of life that had been deliberately abandoned on Earth around 1949.

    What? Everyone already knew this? Well, it’s still fun for me.

  120. Brown-eyed Girl
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:14 pm [Reply]

    One of the advantages of having an old monitor with poor resolution on my home computer is that I am spared the eye-curdling, clausterphobia-inducing zip-a-toned details that lard up any Foob interior. Alas, the computer in my office spares me none of the horrific details, like the dead baby on the coffee table. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be a doll, but it’s still horrible.

    114. SecretMargo. Thank you for identifying one of the (many) reasons FW is so damned annoying.

  121. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:15 pm [Reply]

    Ukulele Ike

    Whispering too/ So it was “Pocketful of MIracles”? I suppose I could just go to imdb……/Whisper off

    I missed the ‘license’ pun. My bad.

  122. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    Secret Margo
    Plus his overuse of dramatic irony. He has no idea about crafting a good Act II

  123. AndyL
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    Wow, I totally called it when I said that Tommie was talking about putting money in the Jukebox. I’m so disappointed. Secretly I was hoping that, just this once, Tommie really was thinking about sex.

  124. bup
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    #71 sonneta – That was really clever and all, but it’s kind of a letdown to have somebody make the COTW on Monday. Next time, try to wait until Thursday to be that funny.

  125. Scherzo
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    112 Trotzenbonnie—
    I actualy BOUGHT and FED a can of the Canine Caviar Beaver to my dogs. It was totally digusting. Of course, they loved it, but they also kinda acted wild for a day or so.

  126. Buck Ripsnort
    December 3rd, 2007 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    Doonsbury– Dammit Trudeau, ONE character nearly dying in Iraq is moving, repeating it, what, 6 months later is pushing it.

    FOOB– I like any little girl that cock-blocks Liz n’ Assthony. I don’t care if her head starts spinning and pea soup comes out of her mouth. Actually, that would improve the strip immeasurably.

  127. mumbles
    December 3rd, 2007 at 10:09 pm [Reply]

    #96: During time-outs, does Marty regale the radio audience with “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”?

    #97: Every time I read a Granthony strip, I actually hear the song “Creep.”

  128. AhClem
    December 3rd, 2007 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    FOOB – The only thing missing from Granthony’s living room is a framed copy of The Playboy Philosophy and his grandmother’s fondue set.

    I don’t get FOOB in color, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the floor was covered with burnt orange shag carpeting.

  129. Max
    December 3rd, 2007 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: So Liz gave Anthony a copy of Mike’s novel as a Christmas gift? Well, she must have figured a fruitcake would be too blatant.

  130. Loopina
    December 3rd, 2007 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    #128: No, the carpet isn’t orange, but that was a good guess…

  131. Forthillrox
    December 3rd, 2007 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    76 Ukulele Ike: It could very well be a painting of Thérèse. Reread your question, the answer is right there. Would you be the least bit surprised if you walked into Anthony’s house and found a huge portrait of himself or his ex (à la Serial Mom) somewhere? My guess is that his portrait is above the fireplace, replacing Thérèse’s, which was promptly moved to the Whore Chair after she left him.

  132. ltrftp(not so first time)
    December 3rd, 2007 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    Are you sure that is a cat? It looks like a frozen Butterball Turkey.

  133. Poteet
    December 3rd, 2007 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    (DT)GT — Despite occasional assertions to the contrary by various Mudges, I remain convinced that it would be easier to understand this strip if I knew something about sports. Which is one more reason why I intend to remain as sports-ignorant as possible.

  134. Poteet
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    Foob — Years later, Francie would tell her psychiatrist, “I tried to protect Liz. I mean, no woman on earth deserved to be stuck with my effing father. I knew that because I’d seen what he did to my mother. I also knew there was no way I could escape myself, but I really did try to protect Liz. I kept trying to push her out of the picture…”

  135. Moon Mullins
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    Tuesday A3G:

    Panel 1: How old are these two anyway? They both look in their 50′s here.

    Panel 2: Now Tommie looks like a boy dancing with his Dad.

    Panel 3: Ew, how can he kiss her when all those stink lines are coming off her?

  136. Buck Ripsnort
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    Forget Therese’. Suppose it’s Anthony‘s drag persona in that pic. What would his drag name be? Mimi Imefurst? No, that’s Saint Michael’s name. But I think I’m on to something here.

  137. mumbles
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:18 am [Reply]

  138. rhymes with puck
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    FW: Given that this is Funky Winkerbean, Pete is probably the schmuck that killed Captain America.

    JP: Unfortunately for Abby this is the only way she’ll ever get to look at a cock.

    MT: That cop has to be lying…he has a mustache!

    Luann: Is saying that TJ is the artiste and Brad is the mechanical engineer another way of saying that TJ is the pitcher and and Brad is the catcher?

  139. King Folderol
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    FOOB –

    Your brother writes well, Elizabeth.

    No, Anthony. Her brother types well. Huge difference.

    FW – Any day in the Funkyverse were no one is dying of a disease and there isn’t a horrible pun is a great day in the Funkyverse.

  140. Uncle Lumpy
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    Judge ParkerAbbey’s back!

  141. BigTed
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Sorry, dude, but being “a successful writer for Marvel Comics” is like having the best Chewbacca costume at a sci-fi convention. The only people who’ll appreciate your achievement can’t get laid either.

  142. Max
    December 4th, 2007 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Anthony says, “I want a BIG girl in my life too.” Holy crap! He’s MILFin’ for some Elly action now!

    FW: Pete places a lunch order. The drama thickens, much like one of Montoni’s cheese pizzas.

  143. SecretMargo
    December 4th, 2007 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    140: UL — I think everyone will be too occupied with navel-gazing to notice her back.

  144. Comic Connoisseur
    December 4th, 2007 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    In true Funkycancerverse form, I predict that we will learn that Mopey Pete has developed a terminal case of writer’s cramp. Friends and family will mourn his passing by wearing ink ribbons during the memorial writer’s cramp awareness walk.

  145. Poteet
    December 4th, 2007 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    Usually I’ve read so many stunningly funny snarks by Wednesday afternoon that I give up any small hope of floatriding. This week, I’ve given up already. But happily so, because your snarks are so stunningly funny. Good night all!

  146. Mibbitmaker
    December 4th, 2007 at 1:29 am [Reply]


    FOOB: For squicky, inappropriate scenes, FOOB tries to one-up recent RMMDs!

    FW: Before I came here, I saw the Tuesday strip and the last panel looked like Mopey Pete at long last. Still, who’s the guy behind the counter with the scary-wide mouth? And he spouts redundancies, too. “Oh, by the way, this place happens to be called Montoni’s. Did you know that?”

    FC: “Far, FAR away, Jeffy!”

    S-M: That’s another kind of “sense” altogether!

    GT: What I want to see: The curly, Superman/Squiggy-haired one give one blow (the G-rated version!), causing the Coach to fall over backwards in the chair.

    C’s Dad: “Oh, why can’t Cosby just go back to comedy instead of his sociology crap?!”
    Curtis: “Yeah, and he says the culture of rap music is a big part of the problem.”
    C’s Dad: “Hey, don’t knock the man’s attempts to make us responsible African-American citizens, son!”

    Blondie: Looks like Dagwood is gay. Seriously, was that car by the same company that made the Ambiguously Gay Duo’s transportation or something?

  147. Trilobite
    December 4th, 2007 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    Oh hey, it’s the Tuesday comics:

    A3G: Her first kiss went exactly the way Tommie had practiced it in the mirror, perhaps because she’d decided to simply kiss the mirror. Wait…hang on…she is kissing a mirror, right? But why did her reflection dye its hair and put on a pair of glasses?

    Man, just imagine how boring their kids would be.

    Dick Tracy: But if this house has been vacant and considered “haunted” ever since its previous owner died, why exactly did the governor go to the trouble of stealing it? “I have a brilliant plan — I’m going to force him to hand over this house to me, then I’ll let it fall into disrepair, and never visit it! YES! No one will suspect me!”

    Oh, wait, that’s actually a pretty crafty scheme by Dick Tracy standards. Bravo, governor.

    Marmaduke: This is the second day I’ve added the big dog to my page, and the second day that the “joke” has involved Marmaduke peeing on a Christmas tree. Is December officially dog urine month over at the Marmaduke office? Because I could totally drop this strip and come back in January. Unless January’s going to be entirely devoted to poop, anyway.

    Mary Worth: It’s kind of fun to watch Jeff flailing around helplessly looking for a way to argue Mary Worth out of a decision she’s already made. “There’s the hospital (which you’re never at), and Charterstone, and the people you advise (which is the same thing as Charterstone, really), and, uh, making casseroles, and delivering casseroles to people, and…sleeping! Oh, and don’t you have a garden or something? C’mon, work with me, Mary — last week your life was just as empty, but you didn’t feel any need to cram a dog into it. I’ve been eating yellow glop at the Bum Boat four nights a week for years now, and the mutt you found in the street’s going to share a bed with you before I will? That’s fucked up.”


    In my frantic desire to find something — anything — to look at in the second panel other than the “Thungs,” I couldn’t help but notice that there’s a saguaro cactus in the background. Now, it’s a nice cactus and all, but since when has Popeye been set in the Sonoran desert? (Yes, that’s right, I would rather question the botanical accuracy of this comic strip than try and figure out what the hell those ambulatory penis-things are. I doubt I’m alone in this.)

    The Disturbing Horror that is FBoFW: Okay, new rule for the comics page: if you can’t draw a reaction shot, you’re not allowed to use them in your comic. Heed this warning, Lynn, because it honestly looks like Anthony is seriously considering the possibility of dating his own daughter. And from what we know about the man, this would not be entirely out of character for him.

  148. Hysterical Woman
    December 4th, 2007 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    Garfield: Liz complains about that too.
    Luann: Oops! No skeleton!

  149. HammerOfTheCarps
    December 4th, 2007 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp -

    Yesss.. There you go coach Thorp, run that Wing T!! That’ll fool ol’ Pappy Waldorf and those Wildcats. Eh what? It’s not 1936? What the hell you doing Thorp?! I better hustle if I want to reserve the domain name before anyone else.

    Apartment 3-G –

    Bad News: Tommie’s date slipped her a mickey.

    Worse News: He only wants to harvest her kidneys.

    Funky Winkerlander –

    I always thought Petey would end up as a professional Walter Matthau impersonator, or at least a pissed off mailroom guy.

    For Better or Worse –

    Bada-bing!! Lizzie takes a vicious kidney punch to the soul. I score this round for the pipsqueek.

  150. Les
    December 4th, 2007 at 2:42 am [Reply]

    The Sally Forth werewolf carol is the awesomest thing to grace the comics page ever.

  151. Mariko
    December 4th, 2007 at 2:47 am [Reply]

    Wait . . . is Mallard Fillmore actually complimenting a Democratic candidate?

  152. Apartmento
    December 4th, 2007 at 2:52 am [Reply]

    Heart of the City - Being a high school student in Australia, I really am “clearing my mind for summer vacation”.

  153. The Avocado Avenger
    December 4th, 2007 at 3:14 am [Reply]

    #36 Niall, I think it’s only been a few months, and the last we knew Liz and Blandthony were taking it slow.

    #85 Margaret, I don’t read FW anymore but I think I can answer this. We don’t know what happened to Wally, although we know he’s not around. Batiuk said there was a clue to Wally’s fate back in the 10-11 strip, which is the one which had a headline in a newspaper that said “soldiers taken hostage”… so. Yeah, guess he’s MIA.

  154. moe99
    December 4th, 2007 at 3:14 am [Reply]

    I hope Ms. Johnston has heard of the Electra complex.

  155. The Avocado Avenger
    December 4th, 2007 at 3:20 am [Reply]

    Dagwood: Distracted by a huge weiner. I can’t improve on that.

    FBOFW: Ew.

    MW: I didn’t know Mary had actual work at Charterstone, I thought she was a volunteer meddler.

  156. Mr. O\'Malley
    December 4th, 2007 at 4:43 am [Reply]

    A3-G: Either the artist is having problems with giving Tommie a consistent height relative to Gary, or else she is being depicted alternately stepping on and off of a box or other height-altering device.

    If I were a technically challenged soap strip artist, here’s what I’d do. I’d invite some friends over, give them free beer and have them pose for the panels while I take digital photos. About once every six months would probably be good, given the pacing of these strips. Then I’d just trace over the photos to create the strip. Probably if you had any Photoshop skills there are even some plugins to assist the process.

    Then I’d have a strip featuring consistently sized people in realistically rendered adventures. Is this too much to ask?

  157. The Restless Mouse
    December 4th, 2007 at 5:12 am [Reply]

    I hate all things Winkerbean. I really do.

  158. Mordock999
    December 4th, 2007 at 5:36 am [Reply]

    Finally Luann Strip with TJ in it that I like. Especially the last panel. Unfortunately that string of Christmas lights wasn’t around his neck. (You knew THAT one was coming)


    DEATH to TJ!

  159. gleeb
    December 4th, 2007 at 6:33 am [Reply]

    9CL: Ha! The hayseed has tumbled onto her secret hermaphodism!

    ‘shaft: You are a creep! Seriously, why would such a provable misanthropist portray Santa Claus, except as a way to spread his hatred?

    Dick: Murder and forgery aren’t the same as “forcing my father to sell”.

    Doonesbury: OK, I was wrong. Ray’s OK. But why is the talking snowfall changing BD’s travel plans?

    FBoFW: You won’t grow if you go against the Pattersons, kid.

    ‘bean: Yes, like everyone in Cancertown, he specializes in the small and the cheesy.

    Mark: Devil! Is Lost Forest soon to be visited by the Ghost-who-walks?

    Phantom: No, he’s too busy harassing idiot pre-teens.

    Rex: You see how beautifully this has been set up? Not having enough food, Rex and Niki will have to fly fish…for their lives!

    Zippy: Wow! Roadside crap talking without Zippy present! What an incredibly fresh and new variation on this rich vein of material! Griff, you can draw well, but you’re still a tired hack.

  160. John C Fremont
    December 4th, 2007 at 6:43 am [Reply]

    MT _ They confirmed that it came from Johnny’s rifle? What the – Does Elrod even read his own strip?

    # 140 – UL – Abbey’s front!

    I can’t wait until tomorrow to find out if she takes off her jacket.

  161. gleeb
    December 4th, 2007 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    Oh, and I’d like to point out Steve Canyon. Not only for Dr Wilderness, a tougher and more intelligent woman than any Patterson, but look at that guy in the last panel today. Just the way he’s holding his drink tells you he’s evil.

  162. Loopina
    December 4th, 2007 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    BB: That’s the design on Beetle’s underpants, too.

  163. Inspector Dim
    December 4th, 2007 at 7:39 am [Reply]

    Gah! Where did Gil’s arm go in the third panel of today’s strip? It’s like it disappeared into the inky darkness of his t-shirt.

  164. monsieurjohn
    December 4th, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    It looks like Gil is going to continue this conversation from the floor without skipping a beat.

    And what is the deal with Ranger Sheriff Man’s leg in MT today? Is he doing yoga?

  165. Regina M Markowski
    December 4th, 2007 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    “Daddy knows you’ll grow up, darling, but until then, I can have Liz. Then we’ll see….”

  166. Gagott68
    December 4th, 2007 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    Blondie: Distracted by a weiner…etc.

    MT: How much time has passed since Bull was shot? The forensics lab already has made its formal determinations? Perhaps Dudley Do-Right is part of the vast conspiracy against Johnny Malotte, Malotte’s camp, resource consuming brood and moustache. Even though Dudley has a moustache, he doubtlessly feels that Johnny’s facial growth is from a lesser caste. Likely, according to Sally Forth, a caste that would receive chips and not surf and turf at the holiday party.

    S-M: Next villian: THE TINGLER. Maybe a guest appearance by a tripping Vincent Price would be a nice touch.

    FOOB: Ah, in the best tradition of Patterfoobs, cater to the whims of the children until they have become so dependent upon you that they can not function in the real world and can never leave the nest. Hopefully, Terese will swoop in to save the day and rescue Francie from this fate even if she will only be left with a nanny since her mother has a lucrative career which needs to be attended in order to support the Blanthony spawn.

  167. Gagott68
    December 4th, 2007 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Zits: Can there be a less sympathy inspiring character in all the comics than Jeremy? Other than all the Patterfoobs.

    Speaking of Foobdom, which one of you suggested that April be killed off in a teenage car crash accident in Cawfee Tawk? Or was Batiuk trolling again?

  168. Gregoire
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    JP – “Thank you, Mrs. Dickens.” “No, Abbey, thank YOU”

  169. AhClem
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:12 am [Reply]

    MT – Mark will ask to see the bullet, and upon close examination will discover a tiny eyehook stuck in it. The nefarious plot to frame Johnny will unravel, and flying RHsOJ will be accompanied by shouts of “You stole a friend on mine’s business customers!”

    Remember, you read it here first.

  170. AhClem
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    JP – Abbey in a belly shirt? Wilson and Barretto have to be lurking here, and are just screwing with us now.

  171. Gregoire
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:19 am [Reply]

    169 I just noticed that also… it must suck for her two daughters that Abbey is hotter than they are!

  172. Whippersnapper
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    Foob: Oh, Francie. Of course you’ll grow, but try as you might, you’ll never have the massive Patterson ass. Give up your dad as lost to Liz and start planning your escape.

    MC: After intensive study of several specimens, I feel confident in saying that no, it does not hurt to be that stupid. But it should.

    I loved F Minus today.

    I was gone for a while, and I sure did miss you Mudgies and your snarktacular powers!

  173. lunarhalo
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    NY’er caption contest:

    Wow so many bad double entendres along the lines of the “try to avoid any double entries in my ledger” persuasion come to mind. But I settled on the much tamer:

    “I think we may be taking casual Fridays a bit too far”


    There once was a guy that would smirk
    til it drove everybody beserk
    his facial expression
    fueled so much aggression
    they got cancer from seeing his quirk


    A porn of Gil Thorp would just bomb
    even if filmed for your palm
    You’d painfully watch
    through what might be the crotch
    of a one legged stud going GLOM!

  174. jusk
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    That looks like the satisfied smirk of someone urinating on a Pizza shop window. I’ve seen it before.

  175. dreadedcandiru2
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    FBoFW: I didn’t get the ‘Date my own daughter’ vibe offa Granthony. What he was saying in panel three was nothing less than ‘This is about MY needs, not yours, so suck it up.’

  176. Little Guy
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    Candorville: [MervGriffin] Oooooo….. this looks baaaaaaad…… [/MervGriffin]

    JP: “Why yes, come in! Can I get your jubblies something cool and refreshing?”

    Curtis: I take it back. This may be good.

  177. Little Guy
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Oh yes…. 9CL and Luann : My two favorite characters to hate upon get pwned.

  178. Calico
    December 4th, 2007 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    “Under the whore picture”…*snicker*

    Actually, that made my chest hurt from laughing.

    I think Lizzie had better stick her thumb out and hightail it back to Mtighoochie soon.

  179. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    December 4th, 2007 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    A3G: Oh, poor Tommie! She suffers from prosopagnosia, a disorder that makes her unable to distinguish between faces. That’s why she’ll kiss any man who shows her attention — she simply doesn’t know he’s not her boyfriend. A3G performs an important service by drawing all male characters with the same face, even randomly changing their clothing and hair color to deprive us of those identifying features, in order to educate the public on what it’s like to live with “face blindness” like Tommie. And all while pretending to be just another slow-paced, pointless, boring-as-hell soap opera strip. Well done, Frank Bolle and Lisa Trusiani. Well done.

    C’Shaft: Ed Crankshaft is The Christmas Creep. Coming soon to theaters near you.

    Curtis: Ah, yes. December. Time for Curtis to turn from puerile middle-school antics to preachy moralism. Wonder what Kwanzaa tale we’ll be treated to this year? A crotchety old crocodile who doesn’t know how to love? A differently abled hippo who learns the importance of sharing? The legend of the levitating lemur with lupus?

    (WT)DT: Now that must have been one interesting closing.

    GT: I do not want to see Gil leaning back in his chair like that with that look on his face while using the word “pleasure.” Ever again.

    H&J: Well, I’m soooo glad you’re satisfied with yourself, Herb. Now how about doing some fucking parenting?

    JP: HOOOOLY CRAP!!! I’m sorry, I can’t continue.

    Luann: TJ’s into suspension bondage.

    Popeye: Ummm… that’s it? That’s the fearsomely devastating thing that a Thung does when struck? You get two Thungs? So are we to believe that the people who once inhabited the once-lush Moon just couldn’t resist hitting Thungs even after they figured this out? They deserved to die off.

    S-M: So when she presses a button, does it go “ZEEE-ZEEE-ZEEE-ZEEE”? Is she Spider-Man’s best buddy now?

    TDIET: “Enough to make a grown man cry”? What the hell are you looking at us for? IT’S ALL YOUR CRAP, DRAGBUTT!

  180. Warren
    December 4th, 2007 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Wait, I’m confused, was the very pronounced Click-Ka-Chunk the sound of the ancient jukebox changing records or was it supposed to somehow emulate the sound of this “Rock and Roll” music all the kids are talking about?

  181. Calico
    December 4th, 2007 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    I guess Francie is now too big for the dungeon playpen-thingie that Gasthony built. He’ll have to come up with something a little more creative to control her when she flies into a fit of jealousy when Liz “visits” (i.e., brings her suitcase, toothbrush, and birth control permanently)

    Interesting to observe the method by which Limpthony and spawn get Lizard to clean the house for the, though.

  182. Artist formerly known as Ben
    December 4th, 2007 at 9:23 am [Reply]


    TDIET: Today’s entry is from Milford. Marty Moon’s home office must be filling up with MD 20/20 bottles again.

    MW: Jeff is actually going there! He’s telling Mary that she needs to preserve her meddling time. Does the rest of Charterstone get a vote?

    BB: Why that stop sign black? Is Beetle going goth, or was there just a deep discount on black ink?

    S-M: Controlling much? And no, I don’t want to know about that tingle.

    BC: Gather round, children, and I’ll tell you of a wondrous time when Curls’ insults were funny and made sense. Alas, those days are lost to us.

    9CL: Hey, you asked, Julie.

    Marvin: Thanks for the horrifying thought little guy. With any luck, this is the closest you’ll get to media superstardom.

    Shoe: Oh please. The black cat/jealous cat plot is boring enough in “Alley.” We don’t need it replicated somewhere else.

    GT: Gil doesn’t seem surprised that those two kids are hovering over his sundeck. Actually, isn’t it a little late in the year to be out tanning?

    Lockhorns: Leroy is always either twisting and fruging with some 8 foot Playboy cartoon or sinking into a Barcalounger funk. Pfizer should make him its mascot.

    SFx: I see that Bob Weber is making a tribute to the late greate Dick “Mr Whipple” Wilson. Let’s all squeeze the Charmin, just this once, in his memory.

    A3G: Oh sweet love! Two ads will be coming down from tonight.

    H&J: Herb can walk into a roomful of fighting, screaming children and still keep his mind filled with boring platitudes. He has clearly studied under the Rinpoche Mary Worth.

  183. True Fable
    December 4th, 2007 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    #169 Ah Clem – Wilson and Barreto have been screwing with us since This memorable line of Sophie’s in panel one, I strongly suspect.

  184. Never teh Bride
    December 4th, 2007 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    I love it when mirrorverse Spock gets on the mic and starts busting out phat beats.

  185. Anonymous
    December 4th, 2007 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    From what I hear about Marvel it’s not the sparkly wonderful wonderland dream job environment you’d expect. Stocks are going down right now, all their major titles have poor sales, and people are quitting or getting fired left and right. Which would fit in well with the FW pastiche.

  186. Revenge of Chesnut
    December 4th, 2007 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Mirror Spock is attempting to hide his true identity by posing as a local high school sports radio DJ reporter (or whatever it is he does–this job does not exist in real life, I’m pretty sure. Not for pay, anyway.) This way, he has an excuse to be constantly wearing headphones, thus hiding his telltale Vulcan ears from his enemies.

  187. TaxiGirl
    December 4th, 2007 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    Doonesbury’s missing out on a great opportunity now that Boopsie no longer channels Hunk-Ra… I’d love to see *that* show up in one of the military strips.

  188. streatordutch
    December 4th, 2007 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    Mopey Pete is either breathing in the heady smell of Montoni’s pizza or peeing on the sidewalk in front of Montoni’s Pizza. You make the call.

  189. perv
    December 4th, 2007 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    Sheesh! people. What do you have against vaguely implied hypothetical incest?

  190. Carolyn B
    December 6th, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    Why, oh, WHY does it look as if Mopey Pete’s jerking off in front of the pizza shop???

  191. Carly
    December 21st, 2007 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    According to, post-time-jump Pete is now a successful writer for Marvel Comics.

    He’s responsible for Spider-Man? Get ‘im with cancer!

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