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SHOCKING GOOGLE REVELATIONS!!!

Gil Thorp, 10/5/07

My God, what kind of Google search results for “Culver Vale” would be so shocking to Howard Gourwitz that we would be treated to the vision of each and every one of his upper teeth? Obviously mere text couldn’t elicit a reaction of such visceral horror; no, Howard has clearly plugged “Culver Vale” into Google image search. In my unrelenting quest for the truth, and with total disregard for my personal safety, I bravely chose to do the same, and received one and only one result:

“Look at this, Tony! Cully allowed himself to be photographed wearing a conservative suit, and squatting and presumably defecating behind the flag of Oregon! And to think we’ve shared a locker room with this sicko!”

Tony’s search results may have been skewed by the addition of the word “stud”, as the dialog in panel one implies. And no, I’m not searching on that. Bravery has its limits.

Dick Tracy, 10/5/07

OK, now that this Dick Tracy plot appears to be wrapping up, I can say officially that none of it makes any sense. The East German Soviet Sympathizers (EGSSes) kidnapped the Gretchen to exchange for the Baron … why? Once the Baron wandered off, Dick and the CIA guys started treating the EGSSes as sympathetic … why? Gretchen claimed to be giving the CIA guys the frequency to the chip in the Baron’s head, but actually gave the frequency to the chip in her head … WHY? Gretchen had a chip in her head … WHY??

But most of all, what the hell does “trying to revive to Cold War and blame it on Mideastern terrorists” even mean? I’m sure the EGSSes don’t actually want the Cold War back; they just want a different ending for it. Were their ex-Soviet puppet masters going to look at the smoldering wreckage of the Rotunda on the TVs in their underground bunker and chortle “Ha ha, the Americans soon will be invading another Middle Eastern country, but we and we alone secretly know that the Cold War is back on! Long live the dictatorship of the proletariat!”

Spider-Man, 10/5/07

Yes, you … you forgot about airport security. And because you’ve put your spider-suit in your suitcase, and it could easily be written off as a Halloween costume (which I believe is what happened when you flew to LA), the only hitch this puts in your plans is that it might cause you to miss your plane … which … has … nothing to do with superheroics whatsoever argh argh ARGH! Honestly, this strip constantly manages to defy my ability to parody its lameness.

Pluggers, 10/5/07

A plugger’s face is a mass of lacerations and barely-scabbed-over wounds. But at least he’s getting his money’s worth out of that 60 cent disposable razor!

Archie, 10/5/07

I’m sure your beverage choices are very interesting, Betty, but let me offer you some advice, one blogger to another: I think your readers will be more interested if you skip to the part where you explain why you aren’t wearing pants.

322 responses to “SHOCKING GOOGLE REVELATIONS!!!”

  1. Rainbird
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    What I wanted to know, when I read Archie, was why Archie didn’t wonder why Betty brought a computer on a date with him. Unless she always does.

  2. zenvelo
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    why does Betty have cheetos glued to her blouse??

    first???

  3. JudeMorrigan
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Was Betty having rigatoni dumped on her as well? High school cafatoriums have apparently become more dangerous than I recall.

  4. Brown-eyed Girl
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    So, is blogging without pants what it takes to become blogger of the year? Wait, don’t answer that. I really don’t want to know.

  5. Rainbird
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    Not that it matters, because I think the Archimatic 3000 is also working at B.C., but what the heck did the anteater do? Did he forge a sheeth for his snout? Did you bag it so it was stright?

    WTF?

  6. Hogan
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    “Holy smoke” and “go to *#@!!$!” on the same day? Gil Thorp and Dick Tracy both working blue? It’s a world gone mad.

    Also, I don’t think that’s how you spell %#!!. Stoopid East Germans.

  7. sally
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Not only that, but why has she taken off her pants at what must be the Grand Central Starbucks, judging from its size?

  8. BoShek
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    The ALGJU3000 is setting up for a story where Betty cheats on Archie with her computer. That laptop is an author self-insert!!

  9. SecretMargo
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    FW: It’s nice to know that the pubic hair upholstery manufacturer that recovered Les and Lisa’s armchair not only failed to go out of business, but has diversified to include small-ticket items as well, like Kleenex cozies. And chinwigs.

  10. Anna Nimity
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Howard is shocked because the google results are so vast that his computer screen has suddenly swelled to three times its normal size.

    And does anyone in the real world actually say, “Holy Smokes?” Jeez….

  11. Rainbird
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    And why is the CIA just putting the bad guys in handcuffs in (WT) DT They already lost the barron, do they expect that these guys can’t just run off, rather than standing around staring at them.

    And where are the cops. Have you ever seen a bomb blast where there are cops on the scenes, espaically outside the steps of the rotunda?

    I hope they clear it up, soon, and go back to seeing what Dick’s wife has been up to all this time.

  12. Wanders
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    I actually thought that Archie joke machine pulled off a pretty funny one and couldn’t figure out why you’d snark it, Josh. But you managed to pull off an hilarious observation.

  13. Frank Parsnip
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    All we now need is for Tony to tell Howard: “Dude… isn’t that your mom he’s with?” (In background, soming from the video clip they’re watching: “Hier ist mein Cullyschiesse!”)

  14. Rainbird
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    Anna Nimity # 10 but then who thinks that a good time is googling people to see what other people have the same name…wait, my kid Huntingbyrd likes to. Never mind.

    Crazy teenagers.

  15. Eau de Plugger
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    This Pluggers makes me a plugger. I’ll note that it’s more of a crappy 5 o clock shadow shave rather than a cut me to pieces shave. I’m more apt to get a cut with a new razor.

    Oh…and Spiderman is awesome. It’s going to be especially awesome when they call security because he’s watching the x-ray screening TV. To quote MJ “Oh Nooo!”

  16. Indiebass
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    For a long time now, I think we’ve all wanted to see Betty “sans pants” but I have to say today’s final panel was somewhat underwhelming.

  17. Frank Parsnip
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    Archie: If Betty is blogging pantsless in the middle of a date, I don’t think Archie has much to complain about. Just saying that the overall trend is a positive one there and that Reggie and Jughead, if in the same position, wouldn’t be whining.

  18. Dennis Jimenez
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    I just assumed the bit preceding Betty’s on-line revelation was something like, “Archie and I just fucked like rabbits….”

  19. Sal Paradise
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    MT : Yeah, thanks Homer. Hey, couldn’t we have put these damn ducks in a box weeks ago?

  20. Sal Paradise
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Archie : I hope Betty remembers to wipe the seat down for the next customer.

  21. Amy
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Thanks for googling “Culver Vale”, Josh. I so wanted to do it myself, but felt lame…even though no one else was around.

  22. Adam
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    I love how someone at google is going to see “Culver Vale” pop straight up the list of searched-for terms for today, only to disappear completely tomorrow, like my sudden interest in Betty’s blog.

  23. Biiirdmaaan!
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    So I just braved the GIS for “Stud left tackle Culver Vale,” and most of it was pretty nonsensical. However, I think I found the image elicited the over reaction by Gil Thorp extra #10572.

    http://www.gutenberg.org/files/20991/20991-h/images/tmptn116.jpg

    Now, I’m not sure which one of these gentlemen is Culver Vale, but it is no doubt the biggest scandal Milford has seen since self-mutilating Tyler or big fake Negro Leaguer Clambake. Is he the boy that was just interrupted in getting some prep-school head or the one about to give it? The inclusion of the word “stud” would imply the former, but the other one was just about “Left Tackle” the other boy’s crotch. Or is the boy that is angrily breaking up the love between two British schoolchildren?

    I, however, will put good money that Culver Vale is actually the young scamp in the back wearing a graduation cap and looking shocked. While he was formerly going to be the youngest and brightest graduate of his all-boys academy, the shock of watching this scene play out in front of his formerly virgin eyes made his family take him away all the way to Milford with his genius badly broken and the only hint of his former greatness in the classroom is that he obviously sucks so bad at sports he must’ve been good at something and some point.

  24. Tukla in Iowa
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Wouldn’t shaving just make a plugger look even more freakish?

  25. ScubaSteve
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    I’ve made a disposable razor last 2 cans of shaving cream…guess I’m not poor enough to be a plugger. /sigh

  26. Gal Friday
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    A3G: Looks like LuAnn has found Nora’s supplier of the Lee Press-On Tear!

  27. RaJ
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Is the Pluggers strip referring to the fact that a Plugger, a horrifying beast entirely covered by a thick coat of fur, would need three cans of shaving cream to shave his muzzle even once? If they’re that furry, why would theyeven bother, except as a vague and melancholy gesture towards a humanity they’ll never achieve?

    For that reason, do Pluggers shave all the parts that people shave? If you saw a naked Plugger, would it be covered in a three-inch coat except in the arm pits, (that is, where the forelegs meet the trunk), and artfully trimmed around the place where the genitals are, when they’re not retracted? Why, God, am I still typing?

  28. MyEvilTwin
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Isn’t the final panel in Gil Thorp the same as it was in yesterday’s strip? The window from an odd angle, with leaves blowing by? I guess it’s not as bad as Curtis repeating the same strip every year for years on end… but still. Seems a bit lazy.

    Culver Vale is rapidly going to become one of the most-Googles search terms today….

  29. Sanity Clause
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Phantom: OK, OK, we get it. Blackmask McStipeypants is a friggin HERO. And I’m disturbed that all the signage and the evening news is Mawitaan are in English. It looks a lot more like Chicago.

    RMMD: Has there ever been a more telegraphed plot line? “Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with no one around. Of course we can find the place without the map … you keep it. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?” Oh, and maybe the reason the cabin is vacant (deserted?) and they don’t need a reservation of some kind and no one is around is that the fish aren’t biting, but that’s another snark.

  30. Ribinin
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Project Gutenberg has Comics Curmudgeon blocked. Kind of testy too.

    I did my bit to spike “Stud left tackle Culver Vale” on Google.

  31. Archie Andrews
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Archie and Betty just fucked liked rabbits?

    What, in a wire hutch out behind the garage?

    Man, the images you don’t get with searching Google Images.

  32. majolo
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Wow, that really is the Oregon state flag. Huh. I’m a bit shocked it wasn’t voted one of the 10 worst state flags by the North American Vexillological Association. No offense meant to inhabitants of The Union; my state’s flag is on that list, and probably deserves it.

    Fun trivia question, kids: How many US states’ flags are dichromatic? The answer may surprise and delight you!

  33. Myopic Little Despot
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Wait, wait. Why is the Plugger, an anthropomorphic dog that’s SUPPOSED to be covered in fur, shaving!? The only explanation I can come up wit his that he harbors a secret perverse desire to dress up as a human. Damn Skinnies are ruining everything!

  34. Lockestep
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    And #1 on Google’s list for “Culver Vale”-The Comics Curmudgeon.

  35. dreadedcandiru2
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Elly’s Coffee Talk: True Fable made the CT grade again today. As a poster myself, (Paul J., Saint John), I’m glad to know that a Mudgeonite is there to balance out some of the silliness.

  36. The Divine O’F
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Josh: Excellent analysis of the (WT)DT plot.

    Yesterthread Lucy’s Spunk: “the big lesson I took from this tragedy is that life is so short that I have to be all about what makes me happy and not be hemmed in by the expectations of others.” I totally relate to that. Me too. For me the final straw was 911 quickly following my brother’s death. I dumped a bad boyfriend, got rid of a bad writing job, and went on the Internet to find a husband. Which I did–a damn near perfect one.

  37. Artist formerly known as Ben
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Huh-WHA? That Plugger is a bear! Not a hefty gay man, and actual bear. It’s always had a furry face and it always will. Why in God’s name is it shaving?

  38. BigTed
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    Not only would a dog Plugger have no reason to shave, I don’t think it would even be possible for him to take off all his facial fur with a cheap razor. (And if he did, the results would be horrifying.) No, I think this is just an excuse for him to put shaving cream on his face, so he can then play a trick where he runs around a shopping mall screaming “Rabies! Rabies!” Because sometimes Pluggers are insane.

  39. zenbowl
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:45 am [Reply]

    DT – I’m not sure what’s more disconcerting, the sudden erection of the Washington Monument from Abu Stalin’s shoulders, or the Inspector Gadget arm that Dick suddenly wields to poke in the face of the Sympathizer while standing a good 15 feet away.

  40. Anna Nimity
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    14 Rainbird and other Mudges, for a real example of Googling someone with your same name, go to astronomer Michael Brown’s homepage (he’s the guy who discovered the “10th planet.”) He has a link called, “My Alternate Lives” in which he describes the lives of all the other Michael Browns on Google. Now THAT’s funny!

    http://www.gps.caltech.edu/~mbrown/

  41. BigTed
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Newsflash: Betty is lonelygirl15!

  42. Lake Eerie
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    A very minor thing, I know, but what’s with the censored remark in the last panel of today’s Dick Tracy?
    The word is “hell.” Is it really that bad?
    This strip features people getting shot, getting shot and falling off buildings, viciously assaulted, tortured and blowing up, among other things for cryin’ out loud. Just in the past few weeks, we’ve seen a car doing an improbable flip into a river, and Dick himself tried to kill everyone in a helicopter (along with innocent bystanders below).

    But “hell” is too much for the kiddies to bear

  43. audient
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    FW — Did we just fast forward 10 years?

  44. ArbuckleLovesLyman
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    I really enjoy Spiderman’s attempt to compare himself favorably with Superman after Mary Jane so succinctly removes his genetically enhanced testicles in the first panel. Yeah, ok Spiderman – You’re powers of nasty goo shooting out your arm and the ability to crawl around because of tiny hairs on your fingers (vomit) are TOTALLY as good and useful as being able to fly. Does anyone get the feeling like MJ used to go out with Superman, and seriously regrets taking up Spiderman on the rebound?

  45. majolo
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Ok, did CC actually break Project Gutenberg’s image? It doesn’t even show on their own page now. You can still read the shocking quote, “How’s a fellow to flap you a daddle in those cuffs?” though.

  46. SmartPeopleOnIce
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    Unt nahl ist ze time on EGSS ven ve dance!

    Lieben meine Affe-monkey!

  47. Bunnë
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    Not only is our befurred plugger shaving, which disturbs me on a deep level, but he’s got some sort of vampire shaving cream that shows up in the mirror in places where is clearly not on his face.

    Which is I guess the opposite of vampire shaving cream… unless we are looking at the reflection from the inside of the mirror, and what we perceive as the reflection is really the real world. Sort of a through-the-lookingglass thing.

    Meanwhile, couldn’t Brookins have chosen some sort of less-hairy critter to show shaving? Thought: would it be less or more disturbing if the shaver had been a chicken? I don’t seem to recall many lizard-pluggers. Maybe they don’t fit in. Perhaps a tortoise would convey that kind of overweight, down-homey, everyman plugger that Brookins aims for. Then, instead of wondering how a dog would look clean-shaven, I could be wondering how a turtle could hold a safety razor with no real fingers.

  48. RaJ
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    I’ll just add that I’ve never seen a worse waiter than the one in Archie. Two glasses, and he looks like he’s about to topple over. Has Betty’s pantslessness given him a giant erection? Is he slipping on mess on on the floor caused by Betty and Archie’s lovemaking?

    What I love most is his look of grim determination, as if Betty and Archie have been screwing on the same spot every day for the last month, and Mr. Waiter has up until this moment always avoided their love-jasm. Not today, however. “Today,” thinks the waiter, “Today I’m just going to walk through it. Screw them and their love juices. I have a goddamn job to do, and today I’m going to do it, and not by some scenic route, either.” His customer waits with all the anxious expectation of a sports fan, or just a fan of watching people fall violently backwards.

  49. majolo
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    42 audient: yes (I assume I’m beaten). It occurs to me that it would be interesting to have a soap strip which jumped forward 10 years every strip.

  50. Mogalike
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Howard and Culver discover goatse.

  51. Hogan
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers set themselves Sisyphean tasks of personal hygiene because the pain is the only way they know they’re alive. Which then increases their suffering.

  52. Holy Prepuce
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    #48: sort of like the Brigadoon of the comics page?

  53. Concrete Queen
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    Clearly all that time spent in front of the computer screen, blogging her every boring move, has blurred Betty’s vision and dulled her senses in general. Otherwise she’d know the keyboard is actually six inches to the right of her hands, and that she’s actually attempting to type on the counter.

  54. Tukla in Iowa
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:06 pm [Reply]

    @43: You’re powers of nasty goo shooting out your arm

    And even the goo is a result of gadgets on his wrist.

  55. Lord-z
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    My guess would be that stud left tackle Cudler Vale is actually some sort of internet pornstar. Geeky Mc8inchcomputerscreen has the sort of look that can only be generated by watching a teammate being sodomised in the lockerroom. Though the “holy smokes” does not quite match. The correct response would have have been “What the fuck… Oh, God, what the hell… I ‘ve sitten nude on that bench”. The only correct time to exclaim “Holy smokes” would be if you were Robin, and you and Batman were chasing a villain called “The Big Cigar”.

  56. Dr Marion
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    majolo:

    That flag thing opens up a can of worms, especially 2 of the top flags (mine, Alaska, is #3, although now I am in Oregon).

    You could do fun things with South Carolina and Hawaii, methinks.

    Most non-Hawaiian Americans would assume Hawaii was some British colony. You might show it to people and ask if they think “this place” has been sufficiently cooperative with America.

    And as for S. Carolina, with its crescent moon and desert palm tree, I bet you could go around with a picture of, say, an Indian student from a U in SC wearing it on a T-Shirt and say, this man was detained at an airport for wearing this shirt, do you approve or disapprove, and most Americans queried would say, “detain him!” assuming that was some unknown Islamic nation’s flag.

  57. Dr Marion
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    Bunne – if you’re a vampire, capable of changing form into things like a bat or a mist, changing into SHAVING CREAM makes a LOT of sense, nicht vahr?

  58. Lake Eerie
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    42, 48, 51: I would take it a couple steps further, inspired by the UK series Black Adder.
    How about a comic/soap strip in which, when the stories are dried up, all the primary characters are killed and then reincarnated at another point in history (or, weirdly enough, at the same time period, with the same basic people inhabiting other characters)
    Batiuk, I think, would jump at the chance to heap tragedy on them and kill them, only to do it again in other forms, over and over again. All the while, they’ll smirk to their inevitable doom …

  59. KarenD
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    #30 Ribinin & #44 majolo I’ve done some work for Project Gutenberg in the past and know they don’t have much bandwidth to spare. However, I do, so you can see what the fuss is about here.

  60. Trotzenbonnie
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Hey! We haven’t had a photo contest in awhile. I’ll bet there are lots of ‘Mudges out there in Mudgeland just a-chompin’ at the bit for a chance to show off their molars!

  61. Saxman
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    23

    Here’s the workaround link to the Project Guttenberg image. I hope (worked in tests anyway).

    http://www.gutenberg.org/files/20991/20991-h/images/tmptn116.jpg

  62. chumley
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Gil Thorpe will get meta and their first google hit will be the Comic Curmudgeon. Then they’ll become self-aware in the classic model of Six Characters in Search of an Author and demand control over their own destinies (except for the goateed sportscaster who will simply demand booze).

    Mary Worth- can we please stop seeing three-hair combover dad pawing his daughter? It’s surpassing creepy and moving into.. what comes after creepy? Crawly?

  63. dbp
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    Seriously, that is a disgusting act by Mr. Vale. Who would want to share a locker room with a football player known for inappropriate defecation?

  64. PDX
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    I kinda like our flag(Oregon). It has a ‘beaver’ on the back. Who doesn’t like ‘beaver’?

  65. Saxman
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    58
    Once again that weird synchroniscity, this time with KarenD.

  66. Sans Sense
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    puh puh puh puhleeze Juh Juh June, L-Let the r-r-robe f-fall o-o-open…

  67. benzo
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    BC: My sympathies to the impressionable idiot who sees this comic and tries to use this method on his own… trunk.

  68. El Santo
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    FW — Good Lord. Les looks oooollldddd. I’ve looked at pictures of myself 10 years ago and I’d like to think I haven’t aged much since my 20′s. (The age that I assume Les was back then.) But then again, this is the Funkyverse, and you can’t really blame a person for rapidly aging with all the cancers floating around there.

  69. Old Smokin' Egg
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Speaking of Google… I’ve been typing in various phrases from Uncle Lumpy’s “In a town in Ohio…” poem, trying to figure out what it’s based on. No luck whatsoever. Could somebody please sympathize with this semiliterate math major and post what it is? Thanks.

  70. McManx
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    Obviously, Betty, to avoid overhead costs, is utilizing the Riverdale Starbuck’s WiFi to conduct her on-line web sex site, BangingBetty.com. Hence the lack of pants. However, her main liability is Archie, who is too stupid to realize his role in the operation is not to criticize, but to get busy under the table.

  71. benzo
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Today, Dennis the Menace has essentially called one of his mothers friends a whore. I think you owe him some much deserved menace points Josh.

    On that note, I can see this comic inspiring angry letters.

  72. Wally LimpingBean
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    FW didn’t jump ten years, it transported to an alternative galaxy. You know the one, where Spock has a beard…..

    Everything is going to be weird there.

    Wally is going to be a peace activist.

    Montoni will be running the local Whole Foods.

    Becky will be missing her right arm, and not her left.

    Mr. Dinkle will be blind and not deaf.

    Funky will be well adjusted and married and have a prospering accounting practice.

    Everything will be rosy.

    A complete 180 from the current Funkyverse.

  73. AirForbes
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman’s new arch-villians – Gridlock and Airport Security.

    This strip constantly manages to defy my ability to parody its lameness.

    Spiderman has completely turned into a self-parody these days.

  74. Chennuxfangrl
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    #32

    Woot! New Mexico is finally best in SOMETHING.

  75. Dingo
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Josh, I googled stud left tackle Culver Vale and the results were pretty lame. However, I also googled nude bowling and found a video of nude women bowling and an image that I swear is 2fs (aka Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener) from Milwaukee (holding the smallest balls in the world… of bowling). Dios mio, there’s even a Spanish Love Is… that translates to “love is when you’re the King of the Balls.” I’m not sure if I even want to know what that means. I don’t think even a gay porn movie would contain that line.

    Oh, and for reasons that Google will have to explain, searching on the term “nude bowling” retrieves an image of Bea Arthur in the nude. I’m not sure if Bea is a big bowler.

  76. Chennuxfangrl
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    #61 Blocked. These guys are serious about no inline.

  77. bats :[
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Spill it, majolo! Who has the dichromatic flags?
    Great link, too…love vexillology (and heraldry), and I know there was an article in the early years of Smithsonian magazine in which a vexillologist suggested those state flags that were little more than the seal of the state (read, blue field with a gold spot in the middle) ought to adopt more classic lines that reflected the state. He illustrated this with a big, bold cow for the state of Wisconsin. The next month there was a flurry of complaint letters to the effect, “Our cows are nice! They’re not mean! That cow looks mean!”
    >Sigh

  78. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Old Smokin’ Egg @ 69: That was an original work by our resident poet laureate. I was privileged to observe Uncle Lumpy’s creative process.

  79. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    By the way, this is the second time in recent weeks that my morning snark has disappeared without posting. Phooey. Some prankster must be mixing up the “Preview” and “Post” buttons on my screen. Knock it off, you kids! This isn’t funny!!!

  80. etho
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    Y’know, I always vaguely knew there was a Spider-Man comic strip. It doesn’t appear in my local paper, but it does in some of the papers in towns that I visit regularly. But I never read it much. I always assumed it was just sort of a toned down version of the comic-book stories. Since I only saw it a few times a year when I visited family in Seattle, on those occasions I assumed the lack of superheroism was because the storyline was just getting started.

    Then I started reading this site, and now I know that the Spider-Man strip does long, drawn out storylines about busy commutes and television.

    Good lord. Does Stan Lee know about this? How is it that a comic strip about a young twenty-something New Yorker with bloody super powers is the most boring thing on the page? How can there be a crime fighter on the comics page that is more pathetic than the Phantom? And most of all, how can there be an incarnation of Peter Parker that is less charismatic than Tobey-freakin-Maguire? HOW!?

  81. McManx
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    #71 — Dennis does warrant more menace points for this affront. However, the dismayed look on his face indicates he lacks awareness of the outcome. You should only get full points if your malevolence matches the scope of your menacing.

  82. Little Guy
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    243,Yesterthread: Do look at me. I believe in Dave Roberts stealing second.

    Besides, in 2017, according to X-FIles, the Aliens will return to invade. Except in the Funkyverse2017, they’ll get cancer. Or is it Scully will get cancer again and die? Or is it Mulder will be a one-shot paperback writer getting boink-punched by Grace Sheffield?

  83. kat
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Really there are so many questions beyond, why isn’t Betty wearing pants? Is the “Tap! Tap!” the AJGLU 3000′s totally rad take on “Tap That”? Why does Betty have a huge photo of herself on her blog? Is this some sort expose on creepy exhibitionist meta-voyeurism? Is Veronica reading along, feelin’ a little lonely for a gentle lover with a slow touch?

  84. fillmoreeast
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    When I read The Asinine Spider-Man today, I knew it would be on this site. I would like to point out a few things, though:

    1. Peter and MJ believe it’s OK to strip naked in an airport parking lot.

    2. Isn’t that the security scanner thingy, about six people in front of Peter and MJ? Oh noooo! That could take up to three minutes to reach!

    3. I can’t wait for TSA to come across Peter’s web-slinging contraptions.
    NEXT: SPIDEY GOES TO GITMO!

  85. Cornwhacker
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    #2:

    why does Betty have cheetos glued to her blouse??

    It seems that the Frito-Lay company had so much success with their Dorito Shirt (modeled here by Gil Thorp‘s Ma Raptor) that they expanded their clothing line. Betcha can’t wear just one!

  86. Lockestep
    October 5th, 2007 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    #70 McManx-If archie was under the table, I don’t think banging would be the correct verb, altough the correct verb would be more appropriate for a cafe.

  87. Anonymous
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    #80: etho, Know about it? Stan Lee WRITES this crap!

    I imagine he’s just taking incidents from his own life as an 80-year-old and having Peter do them. That’s why Pater watches a lot of TV, hates commuting and the airport, and never touches his wife!

  88. Dan Coyle
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Sherman’s Lagoon: Ha ha, Sherman’s an idiot! Can I pleast take back the nice things I said yesterday>

    Funky Winkerbean: and here we have it. The big problem with the strip. 10 years later, Les is still feeling pain. What he’s focused on is whether he did enough (even though they went through a week’s worth of strips beforehand designed to teach Les to “let her go”) Batiuk’s writing is not only crushingly depressing, it’s predictable. He always goes for the worst case scenario. And that’s why it’s so hated.

    Jump Start: “I’m tellin’ mom!” Huh, that was still pretty funny.

    Non Sequitor: The saddest thing about this strip, I think, is how insightful and clever Wiley thinks his pathetic, warmed over libertarian cynicism is.

  89. smacky
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Oops, # 87 was me. Don’t want to put words into the mouth of Anonymous, who I believe is actually one person who posts under that name.

  90. kingklash
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    #29- Sanity Clause:

    Oohhh, the fish will be biting, all right. It’s a undocumented version of Noodling, a fabled rumored technique destined to replace the Mud Shark in your mythology.

  91. cheech wizard
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    Wait – Is Les wearing pants? Is he talking to his shrink or rambling on to some bored hooker (Betty?) he goes to in a futile attempt to dull his pain? Or even worse, is he simply talking to himself before pathetically masturbating to his sorrowful memories? Is that what the box of Kleenex is for?

  92. Red Greenback
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    Here is what I think Mr. Pluggerdog would look like après rasage:
    http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2007/06/23/elwood_wideweb__470x348,0.jpg

  93. Darkefang
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Yeesh, talk about mood swings. He’s about to tell her some news with a big smile. Unless he’s some kind of sadomasochist that gets off on telling people their puppies have died, it’s obviously going to be good, but Luann goes from happy to tear-glob in a split-second anyway.

    Archie: The only redeeming feature of today’s Archie is that Betty forgot to wear pants on her date. I wonder if that’ll get a mention in her blog?

    BB: It looks like Killer has gotten a hold of the workprint of the new Mary Tyler Moore remake starring Jennifer Lopez.

    DT: Luckily Josh provided us a pretty good synopsis of this storyline because when I tried to do it, all I came up with was: My Brain Hurts!

    FW: What a cop-out. Tom Batiuk tries to manipulate his readers into an emotional reaction to Lisa’s death, and then completely avoids dealing with the consequences by immediately skipping ten years into the future, well past when any of the characters would be coping with their strongest feelings.

    Batiuk wants all the accolades of being an artist who uses his forum to call attention to social causes, but avoids the hard work that doing so entails: Writing an entertaining strip about coping with a loved one’s death from cancer.

    GT: I guess Kurt Rambis left his glasses in the gym, because in panel one, you can clearly see that he’s still wearing his sports goggles.

    JP: What’s this “we” stuff Sam? I spent all day doing figuring out what Caesar was up to. You spent the day on a hillside with Rusty Red posing like the male models from a J. Crew catalog.

    RMMD: Why are Rex and June giggling through this conversation like schoolgirls? Even they must be aware of the double entendres running rampant through this dialogue.

  94. Anon
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    A note to all the cartoonists out there: give up you space now. You are not nearly as good as the people who post here. You are all hacks and don’t know how to write OR draw. Your feeble attempts at humor are hackneyed and your attempt to bring the human element in is trite.

    We would rather see a big blank white space than be reduced to looking at the dreck you pump out.

    Thanks.

  95. Darkefang
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Doh, I oversnarked Josh’s snark on Archie.

  96. Sal Paradise
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:20 pm [Reply]

    MW : Looks like Wilbur has used the old “stretch” move on Dawn. Now all he has to do is dim the lights, open some wine, and put on some Barry White. Then, it will be all Bada-Boom, Bada-Bing.

  97. NinaPetrovna
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    I also Googled “stud left tackle Culver Vale” and was delighted with this mystifying result: “The small Remainder of his Ears, left after his first Execution. …… will remain peripheral to Canadians-unless we tackle the economics.”
    #42 I assume that your surprise over Locher censoring “hell” is rhetorical. The person who wants to bring the Cold War back is not the East German, but Locher himself; it was probably the last time that people like him felt that their feet were on solid ground. It’s fine to kill Commies precisely because they have no qualms about saying words like “Hell,” because they are godless. This is what separates us from them.

  98. Pozzo
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:23 pm [Reply]

    Don’t feel so bad about not being Superman, Spidey — Superman’s a dick. http://superdickery.com/dick/1.html

  99. Beauregard Bugleboy
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Okay, can someone explain today’s Family Circus for me? They’re watching a birthday cake on TV? The Food Network? Or is there a Cake Channel that’s not on my DirecTV? And the punchline is that the person must be really old to have so many candles? This is funny why?

  100. Poteet
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Pope Josh, I’m so grateful for your succinct and definitive answer to my yesterthread question about whether DT makes any sense whatsoever that I forgive you for posting what may be one of the top ten horrifying (DT)GT images of all time. That ghastly second panel almost threw me out of my chair. AAAAIIEEEE!

  101. Andrea D and The Grandstanding Oddballs
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    Buttercup: But Wesley, what about the EGSSes?

    Wesley: East German Soviet Sympathizers? I don’t think they exist.

    KABLAAAM!

    Interesting that one of the symbols that the suspiciously-racistly-Orientally looking spy is using to curse at Dick Tracy is two strokes short of the Chinese character for “fei”, which can me “wrong, evil” or “not”. I’m tickled to think that if we were to translate the spy’s bad words, he might be saying “Go to hell! Not!”

  102. Saxman
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    76 Chennuxfangrl

    Weird. The link works for me.

  103. bats :[
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: ahhhh, finally! Whining, bickering, and further proof why I love being an only child:
    http://www.yo-god.com/comics/bats/bats34.jpg

  104. schlimmerkerl
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    Holy Moses! I get about three shaves per disposable. And I’m not even a bear!

  105. Inspector Dim
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:34 pm [Reply]

    “Too bad you can’t fly like Superman” sums up, in a single, awesome sentence, my hate for Spidey. You wouldn’t see Supes taking Lois to the airport in a cheap-o cab, then denting all those nice people’s car roofs–because he can frickin’ fly! Ha, ha!

    And you also wouldn’t catch Superman, Batman or even Aquaman just sitting around watching TV all day. Aquaman would at least shoot the breeze with some plankton or something, for variety’s sake.

  106. cheech wizard
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    Archie – Those aren’t Cheetos. Archie and Betty use the “withdrawal” method.

  107. odinthor
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    Spidey — OK, I guess I have to go get a transfusion to get rid of this [pic of musical notes] Ev’rything is byootiful . . . mood I’ve had lately; but, gee whiz, I like Spidey precisely because he IS such a weenie.

    Gil Thorp — “Holy smokes, Tony. Look at this! You can get your MBA at F.U. Tech in only two semesters! Click here! Oh, wait–first let’s look what the search came up with: Cully Vale in the nude with some duck named Shirley. (Yawn!) Damn, I was hoping for something unusual.”

    Curtis — Those who have seen Hitchcock’s Frenzy might want to change the wording in the final panel. Or no, hey, maybe not . . . !

  108. American Idle
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    SF: It’s a fishbone fiesta today! Four! Count ‘em, FOUR flying fish skeletons! Well, they’re not really flying fish skeletons (I don’t think, anyway). So, let’s say “four fish skeletons flying”, just to be safe…

  109. Anonymous
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers don’t know nuthin’ ’bout no computers. To a Plugger, open sores code involves their pledge not to screw syphlic whores anymore.

  110. Widdle Jeffy
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Today’s FC reminds of the one they ran in September of 2001.

    “Look Jeffy, New York is turning two year old today.”

  111. Maggie
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    #10 Anna Nimity:
    I use holy smokes all the time. Actually, I believe I stole it from a Dinosaur Comics and use it steadily to curb my desire to say much, much stronger forms of profanity at my margo-ing job. I notice now a lot of my friends say it and I am also trying to bring back “great scott!” As an aside, I used to have a prof who used “curses!” in class. Sure, it was kind of an affectation, but hilarious just the same.

  112. Inspector Dim
    October 5th, 2007 at 1:53 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: The upshot, thinks Curtis’s father, is that she kept the tape. It must be around somewhere. But where?

  113. Mike Nomad
    October 5th, 2007 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    Yesterday’s RMMD with the rmmd homunculus (nudge-nudge) was unsurpassable. So can we stop already?

    The shirt, the packing, the map, the solitary cabin, they’ve been yammering for AGES. I can’t imagine any readers NOT reading RMMD for the margo inadvertent /margo pedophile subtext, because the rest must have all died from ennui.

    If this one-joke strip must live on, why not have R & M adopt Niki, drop the continuity, and run a daily strip on the lines of:

    Panel 1: “Say, ‘Dad,’ how about some random dada homoerotic innuendo?” “Okay, ‘Son’!”
    Panel 2: “Hey, June! Niki and I are going to ‘shoot some hoops’!”
    Panel 3: June’s tight-lipped reaction shot.
    Panel 4: “She still doesn’t get it, does she?” “Nope.”

    After a few weeks, you could just write anything in panel 2.

  114. MrP
    October 5th, 2007 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    Wait, wait, wait, wait. Superman doesn’t exist in Spidey’s world! There’s a crapton of other flying superheroes in the Marvel universe, and MJ singles out a guy from another world entirely?

    Better watch out, mister Parker. Obviously Supes has been stuck in her head since that lame crossover comic you and that other guy in blue and red who could kick your ass a hundred times over participated in. Better keep your eyes on her, or she’ll be competing with Lois Lane and Lana Lang for a certain Krypronite’s attention.

  115. Inspector Dim
    October 5th, 2007 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    MrP: Obviously, she meant to say “Captain Marvel.” Which would then NOT be followed by a discussion of which one, exactly, she meant, because in her universe only one has ever existed.

  116. Inspector Dim
    October 5th, 2007 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    My God, time has turned Les into even more of a wuss. This is going to be one bleak, bleak future indeed. I mean, look at the purple sweater. Not even in some sort of apocalyptic future hellscape would that be okay to wear outside.

  117. BlinkAndItsOver
    October 5th, 2007 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    For this Spider-Man arc to generate any real suspense, they need to tell us just what TV show they’re trying to fly back home in time to catch. What’s are the stakes? Are we even talking new episode here?

  118. Lake Eerie
    October 5th, 2007 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    97 Nina:
    Good points all. Of course, do we not want to return to those halcyon days of the 80s, when Reagan kept those commie bastards (and the occasional third-world leader) in check, and Bruce Springsteen wrote those wonderful non-critical flag-waving songs about being born in this country …

  119. Cuddly Cornpone
    October 5th, 2007 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    When I look at Dick Tracy’s third panel, I keep thinknig that the EGSS is much smaller than the “good guys,” as the hand extending in from outside the panel is giant in comparison, and its accusatory pointing finger appears to be tickling and/or puncturing the EGSS’s collarbone. Which explains his painful, haunting facial expression and the fact that he’s cursing someone off.

  120. Jungle Jake
    October 5th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    Dan Coyle says:
    Non Sequitor: The saddest thing about this strip, I think, is how insightful and clever Wiley thinks his pathetic, warmed over libertarian cynicism is.

    Wiley’s no libertarian.

  121. Dingo
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    If the only aftermath of Lisa’s death is that Les grows a goatee, then let’s all celebrate Lisa’s death. He could have bought swans, got a (new) dog, or gone for coffee with the gang.

    He’s just a flip of that sweater away from starring at http://www.bearfilms.com (this one I will not link).

  122. Dingo
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    Damn! I didn’t do an “a href” on that and yet it still did the link. Oh, well. One of you may meet a future husbear on the site.

  123. dogwallow
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    I don’t think Betty’s wearing a shirt either. Just a neck scarf and hundreds of writhing little slugs…

  124. NinaPetrovna
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    #118 Lake Eerie — Replace “Reagan” with “Bush” and “Commies” with “terrorists” (keep the third world part) and “Bruce” with “Toby Keith” and you’ll realize that it might as well still be the eighties. Dear God, what a relief!

  125. El Santo
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    #115 — Not true, as there has been at least four Captain Marvels in the Marvel Universe (plus two non-canon), two of which are ladies.

    And I’m going to use up my nerd quotient for this, but there is a canon explanation to how Superman can meet fellows from the Marvel Universe. I don’t know what it is exactly, but it’s the excuse they use for all them cross-company team-ups.

  126. Nekrotzar
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    FW 10 years later: Les has committed suicide. Darin has been eaten by wild African dogs. All other regular characters have died violently. Everyone else in the neighborhood has been killed by multi-drug-resistant bacteria. Most of humanity has been wiped out by a nuclear winter following an accidental war.

    From then on, the strip consists of reused art from B.C., with the dialog replaced by quotes from the last chapter of On the Beach.

  127. Jana C.H.
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    Re: Spider-Man’s Exciting Life

    I recently read a statement by Stan in one of his books, in which he said that when he started the comic strip, he recognized that there’s no way to squeeze much action into three tiny panels. His solution was to make it a soap opera strip. The original “Marvel style” as created by Stan in the Sixties was a combination of soap opera and action. A comic strip has room for only half that formula.

    Thus one should not compare the Spider-Man strip with the Spider-Man comic, or the movie for that matter. You have to compare it to Gil Thorpe and Mary Worth. It’s no stupider than they are, and the art is better.

    Jana C.H.
    Seattle
    Saith Oscar Wilde: Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

  128. calico
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    Eeeeew, Betty is pulling a Britney! Eeeeecccch to the 16th power.

    Josh – did you try the lovely “I’m feeling lucky” option on The Googles?
    I’ll try to be brave and do a search with the word “stud” included later this eve.

    Pluggers – the poor guy should have at least one styptic pencil from 1968 or thereabouts in his reeky, rusting medicing cabinet. Can’t say if it would be effective after all that tme, though.

  129. Lake Eerie
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    124 Nina – True again.
    Except that I was sarcastic about Springsteen; I just remember “Born in the USA” championed as a flag-waving song by folks who did not bother to listen to the lyrics.
    Wow – how depressing. I think I need to cheer up by reading some Funky Winkerbean archives

  130. migellito
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    Thank you Archie! Now I can stop searching the internet for bottomless teens in macaroni art! Pour me, boil me, strain me, eat me! I love it!

  131. Chan
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: I’m getting the impression that the newspaper Spidey isn’t allowed to punch anyone. Never mind that he doesn’t need to punch anyone as long as he can wrap them up in his webbing.

    Up through the early Nineties, when the Comics Code Authority was in full effect, it was perfectly legit in his comic books to have knock-down drag-outs, or even portray psychos like Venom. At least, Marvel got away with it.

    Why is it so much stricter in the newspapers, to the extent that nothing ever happens?

  132. The Great Ka-Floopa Gush
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

  133. AhClem
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

    #94 Anon -
    You’re not fooling anyone, Ms. Johnston.

  134. Chan
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    “And I’m going to use up my nerd quotient for this, but there is a canon explanation to how Superman can meet fellows from the Marvel Universe. I don’t know what it is exactly, but it’s the excuse they use for all them cross-company team-ups.”

    Superman? Yeah, I’ve met him. Poncy bastard owes me five quid!

  135. The Great Ka-Floopa Gush
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    oops,
    That should read “While the tan lines suggest”

  136. Krohmdohm
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    FW/Crankshaft: It should come as quite a shock to Crankshaft (due to the 10 year jump), that his grandaughter is now dating a 27/28 year old man

  137. HBGlord
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:36 pm [Reply]

    FW: Lisa’s dead, and it’s now the year 2017. Whew — i can finally come back to The Comics Curmudgeon.

  138. Mountain Mama
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    HBGlord!! Welcome back. I do think it’s safe to come out now.

    Although, I will say, again, in a sing-songy voice, COP-OUT.

    Batiuk, you suck.

  139. commodorejohn
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    A3G – I hate to ruin the moment, Luann, but you have a humongous whitehead just below your eye.

    Blondie – must…not…think…about…AHH SCARY

    Curtis – Ah, dammit. Just when things look promising.

    DTM – Wow, detectable levels of menace! Not much higher than an upper-menacing Family Circus, granted, but there’s at least some detectable amount of menace in today’s strip!

    DT – Dick Tracy, Mind Reader! Seriously, (A) the Middle Eastern terrorists are way more interested in a hot war, and (B) how on earth did Tracy arrive at that conclusion?

    FOOB – No, no, now is just fine, April. Keep at it. If there’s one thing this strip needs more of, it’s Liz being called out for being a thoughtless, promise-breaking bitch.

    FW – It’s Stanton Friedman, UFOlogist!

    GF – “Crumpet-eating British organized jaywalkers.” Get Fuzzy just keeps outdoing itself.

    GT – The very best middle panel ever, folks.

    HTH – “Oh hell, did we wind up in Crankshaft?”

    JP – So, what, it’s now illegal to mislead a flattopped dunce?

    MT – *Jaws theme*

    MW – That’s the exact same expression the Maria-bot shows upon first waking up in Metropolis (deftly parodied by Lio a few weeks ago.) Something insanely creepy and wrong has taken place between yesterday’s strip and today’s.

    MC – haha YES.

    PBS – I’m not sure what “your pooter won’t toot” means, but I’m fairly certain it’s almost as dirty as the average Rex Morgan expression.

    RMMD – I have no idea what any of this dialogue means, besides the fact that it clearly doesn’t mean what it would outside of Rex Morgan, M.D.

    SM – Who’s that guy in front of them? My guess is either Robocop or Wally from Funky Winkerbean. Anyway, why does Mary-Jane’s “oh nooo!” have so many extra Os? Is she really dragging it out into a death yell?

  140. Stranger…
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    The characters in Sally Forth today have been replaced with those stupid cartoon’s with very small real mouths in place of the correctly proportioned comic mouths. Unfortunately, this is still a comic strip, so the moving mouth effect is totally lost.

  141. commodorejohn
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    Hmm, apparently “your pooter won’t toot” really is dirty.

  142. Gertrude
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    About FC and the birthday cake-Bil Keane just turned 85. I’m pretty sure it was a salute to him.

  143. cheech wizard
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    FW – Its 10 years later, Lisa’s still dead and the only job Les can get is broadcasting high school sports for a Milford radio station. No wonder the poor bastard’s miserable.

  144. Lake Eerie
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    The masochist in me has decided to take on today’s Shoe.
    We’ll skip past the point that it’s a tortured, extremely forced joke (unless you know someone who refers to getting your buttocks lifted as “upgrading your seat”). We’ll give a Funky-smirk to “Divided Airlines,” though smart-ass ticket agents like that I would associate more with good ole Southwest, the Wal-Mart of the skies (perhaps”Southfly” is a good parody name?)
    Let’s get down to the meat of it, though. They’re BIRDS. With WINGS. Why do they need planes? Are they that frickin’ lazy?? Perhaps that’s why Roz needs to upgrade her seat – if she flew once in a while, she’d tighten up those glutes.

  145. Lake Eerie
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    141 commodorejohn:
    Good research – that Pastis is quite the devil. Is he trying to one-up his friend Conley in the subtle dirtiness?

  146. Red Greenback
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Haha, I just successfully posted as “RedG” on the Oct 4th installment of Betty’s Blog! ..Didn’t want to push the envelope too much, so I wrote “Wow Betty! I just had an iced latte too! What a small, refreshing world.” I’d like to slowly get a bit more “blue” on following posts, but I lack subtlety in my writing. Maybe a more talented Mudge would like to tackle Betty’s Blog. (I’m looking at you, Truman.)

    Ps. Welcome back, HBGlord!

  147. strangefroote
    October 5th, 2007 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    First, primitive attempt, a few days late. Gil Thorp has stolen all teh gay from Rex Morgan, who joins Spidey (airport security) and Mark Trail (putting things in a box) in boring me to tears.

    And is it just me, or is Rex looking more and more like J.R. Dobbs every day?

  148. True Fable
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    DtM Well played, Dennis! Keep it up and you will be back in favor with MenaceWatch2007!

    #137 HBGlord – welcome back! Yay, it’s good to see you snark again! don’t you leave again, you hear?

    #146 Red Greenback – Good lord, anything I sent to Betty’s Blog would probably burst into flames the instant it appeared on the screen.

    Speaking of which, #35 dreadedcandiru2, I had no idea until just now when I read your post, that I scored another one in Coffee Stalk. Holy shit, that’s threefer, not counting that first one from my alter ego. O.M.G.

    I am struggling with the temptation to send her a Dear Lynnie Baby, but I will resist it. Taken out of the context that CC provides, it will sound either stalky or f’ing WEIRD. It does now, but wtf, it’s silly humor.

    Going for the mug, man; it’s plain that I’m not going to make the NYer Mag caption contest, but I’m working for a Spill the Beans. And should I win it, I will put it next to my Margo!Boxcar!Saturn! mug and send it in as proof that matter and anti-matter can co-exist side by side.

  149. Loopina
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    Maybe Les is depressed because altough Ohio’s state flag made the top 10, it’s small and misshapen. Maybe the flag had to be resected because of cancer.
    Dichromatic flags: New Mexico! Alaska! South Carolina! Alabama! Also Canada, which isn’t a state but might as well be because they like to come shop down here where the taxes are lower.

  150. Cornwhacker
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    131, Chan: Interesting theory. How is it, then, that Mark Trail can be shown punching people, but Spider-Man can’t? I’m guessing the answer has something to do with Stan Lee, Jack Elrod, and incriminating photos.

    Archie: Haven’t seen anyone mention it in relation to todays strip yet, so here’s Betty’s Blog. I only skimmed it, but so far I see no mention of pantsless lattes.

  151. The Divine O’F
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    MT: Oh, no! I can’t stand it! Another animals in peril story, starring Shirley the transgendered duck and her adorable little blue trans-species ducklets. I don’t even want to think about what Ed Muskie has in mind as he swims placidly beneath the happy little family, his great angry maw agape. We could probably see him salivating if he weren’t underwater. Which come to think of it could apply to the entire cast of the recent Dick Tracy saga, except for the underwater part.

  152. Capthom
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    It’s been lost in the morass of death and gloom, but it looks like TJ is about to get his comeupance in Luann. He’s either going to have to pull out his best Eddie Haskell impersonation or get his cover blown with the landlords. I’m hoping for the latter and a quick trip to the slammer for TJ.

  153. Sensitive Poet
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:26 pm [Reply]

    The thing about this Dick Tracy that actually makes the least sense to me is the “Go to [boxcar]!” in the last panel. Are they censoring the word “Hell?” I guess that’s more plausible than an utterance like, “Go to bastard!”

  154. Cornwhacker
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    “Go to Saturn”

    Hey, it’s a place.

  155. Poteet
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    # 137 — HBGlord, so good to see you again! Pull up a chair!

    # 148 — Sir Fable MTK, per yesterthread, you are of course right about young adolescent females. Few are built like ironing boards. Attention certain comic artists — the choice is not between ginormous tatas and none at all.

  156. True Fable
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:37 pm [Reply]

    #150 Cornwacker – Thanks for the link! I wrote a comment to Betty’s blog and mentioned the surprise of seeing her pantless. Galevav suggested I add, “…not that there’s anything wrong with it, in fact I’m not wearing pants right now!” but after we laughed about it, I just couldn’t go through with sending it to her pink cotton candy little world. What I sent was bad enough, heh. >:-)

  157. True Fable
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    #156 ps – well, bad enough for a pink cotton candy world.

  158. DarkAudit
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    FW: Lisa deserved the dignity of a funeral. Les deserved the right to mourn the loss of his wife in the company of family and friends. You publicy stated that you couldn’t be bothered to do that. Excuse the language, but Mr. Batuik, you are a fucking coward.

  159. bats :[
    October 5th, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    True Fable, how do you do it? ‘Trixsy minx’? And they posted it?!? Dang it, you’re not only going for a mug, you’re going for the eight-piece set with a tea cosy!
    (Okay, so your revelations are good, not that LJ is going to take them to heart or anything…that would require having a heart, you know.)
    Keep killing her with kindness!

  160. BlinkAndItsOver
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    127: Congratulations! By calling something “no stupider than…Gil Thorpe and Mary Worth,” you have coined the new Gold Standard in Faint Praise. That is awesome. I can’t wait to use it in conversation.

    And your point is well taken, i.e., that the SM team is deliberately not trying to be exciting. I just wonder if they realize how well they’re succeeding.

  161. Red Greenback
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

  162. Piper Grey
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    FW: I thought it couldn’t get any worse: he made Lisa blind so she couldn’t see the leaves change colour, then he put Les across the room as she died so he couldn’t hear her final ‘I love you’, and I thought, well, at least that’s the final indignity for her. But now: her death is the object of therapy. It will be rehashed endlessly, analysed…dissected. If Les dug up her corpse and had sex with it it wouldn’t be as bad as this. And even worse, it’s ten years down the line. The man is still agonising over her death ten years later! What on earth was all that ‘letting go’ business about, then? What was the point? All I can say is that Batiuk is one sick puppy.

    Phantom: Miss ‘bring hope through vandalism’ appears to have been stopped in her tracks by a zombie child.

    JP: I want to know what Abbey and Cedric the Wonder Butler have been getting up to all this time.

    A3G: I’ve come to the conclusion that there is only one tear in this strip; it just moves around from character to character, sort of like a virus. Except for Margo, of course: she is immune.

  163. RoboMax (with bits of elbow macaroni glued to him)
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    I for one applaud Betty’s creative “card you’d make for your mother in 2nd grade” style blouse. Veronica, skank that she is, will probably try and top her by wearing ONLY elbow macaroni on her and Archie’s next date.

    Spiderman impresses me with it’s ability to be completely uninteresting. Atleast the Phantom usually has someone holding a gun or a knife or sharp pencil or whatever, this is just one strip away from being Spiderman’ll Do It Everytime:
    “Webbo has all these amazing powers fromma spider but whoooaaa he can’t deal with the crazy airport security when hez gotta make a plan!”

  164. HBGlord
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    FW: I think Batiuk has gone soft — you’d think during the passage of ten years he would have inflicted enough plague and pestilence upon his Winkerbeanies to insure that a couple of millennia from now, future civilizations would base a religion around unearthed copies of Lisa’s Story.

    #’s 138, 146, 148, 155: I know, i know — I’m such a tease!

  165. The Divine O’F
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    HBGlord,

    I am very happy you are back.

  166. HBGlord
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    #165 — Thanks, my Divine friend (and everyone else who welcomed me back). It shouldn’t have been nearly this long an absence or this difficult for me to return. I literally would think of the CC daily and how much i miss participating, all the while resenting the fact that i don’t seem to have the time to participate at the level i was accustomed.

    Give me a chance to re-learn my way around, and i’ll be a lean, mean snarking machine once again!

  167. bats :[
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    164. HBGlord: ah, Batuiiuiyuuhuuk gone soft? Hardly. Les is lying on the couch, as he has the past decade, because soon after Lisa’s death he was afflicted by an insidious vertebrate-eating parasite, leaving him to spend the rest of his life supine. Or something.
    All’s I’m saying is that cuttlefish have more spine than he has. And squid. And isopods of all sizes.
    Not that this is really any different than Les has ever been.

  168. Ribinin
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    FW: Having lost a wife similarly 12 years ago, I can say that for me, the therapy intensive time was from 6 months to the first anniversary. The hardest moment was the second anniversary since I had prepared for the first to be hard, and was not as well prepared for the second.

    After 12 years I am remarried (after 4 years) but still think of her often. There was a bunch of paperwork but most of it done before death.

    The last thing I said to her and the last thing she said to me, was “I love you”. That was a real blessing since we didn’t know that those were to be the last words we exchanged.

    One thing I learned from the experience was to never let “I love you” go unsaid.

  169. bunx
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:47 pm [Reply]

    I think it’s great that you can actually google Culver Vale and get this site. Good work all.

  170. Nimrod Gently
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    That canonical explanation for Superman and Spider-Man coexisting: in Kurt Busiek’s JLA\Avengers miniseries, the two realities are briefly meshed together into one, and it is on this temporarily-extant world that the Silver Age team-ups occurred.

    Comic Book Guy awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

  171. SecretMargo
    October 5th, 2007 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    164: Hey, hey, HBGlord! Okaeri and all that! Missed you much, as Janet sez.

    167: Just wait until we meet the adolescent “Jinx” and we find out that she doesn’t talk, not because she has trouble learning the language, but because her tongue has been replaced by an isopod.

  172. Jym
    October 5th, 2007 at 6:02 pm [Reply]

    =v= Pluggers: So is today’s lesson about thriftiness? Because cans of shaving cream are way more expensive than disposable razors. A true plugger would lather up with soap stolen from the men’s room in the gas station.

    Unless, of course, there was a big sale on six cans of made-in-China LedSuz® down at Sam’s Club. (Note that I didn’t mention Wal*Mart this time, aren’t you proud?)

  173. bartcow
    October 5th, 2007 at 6:19 pm [Reply]

    Maybe my screen size is too small, but I swear that’s an Imperial Stormtrooper ahead of Spidey in the security checkpoint line.

    I mean, surely it’s more likely that someone would wear a Star Wars costume to an airport than actually wear a ball cap backwards post-1995?

  174. NickM
    October 5th, 2007 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman has become a plugger. He’s sweating about airport security? What’s next – he uses his webslinging to turn 6 items into a six-pack and thus beat the 12-items-or-less rule in the supermarket?

  175. The Avocado Avenger
    October 5th, 2007 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    #162 Piper – Well, what you think you’ll do when a loved one dies and what actually happens are often two different things. I know two men whose wives died at a young age and they never remarried, and they remain bitter shells of their former selves. It happens. But that’s the real world, and FW is fictitious and can be manipulated in any way Batiuk chooses. Your points are very valid, and I’m not particularly heartened that Batiuk chose to make Les a bitter, depressed, probably lonely husk.

    Archie: Only Betty would wear two shirts and no pants.

  176. C. H.
    October 5th, 2007 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    Hey Archie, haven’t you ever heard of a liveblog?

  177. John C Fremont
    October 5th, 2007 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    Good to see you, HBGlord – er, I mean hear from – It’s good to read your writing again! Or something. Anyway, you were missed.

  178. hottoddy
    October 5th, 2007 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    I don’t get to see Dick Tracy in my daily news rag so I haven’t been keeping up with him but considering the Tracy tradition for apt villain nomenclature, what is the name of THAT villain? Steamrollered Face?

  179. joffe
    October 5th, 2007 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    Mary Jane seems to be the kind of person who will never be satisfied. Even if she was dating Superman, it’d probably go something like
    “Hey MJ, I just flew backwards around the Earth until I reversed time and kept you from dying!”

    “Yeah, great, but why didn’t you bring me a present?”

  180. Canuckguy
    October 5th, 2007 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    The absolute surprise that I was the first one to think of this actually surprises me a lot (or are my fellow Curmudgeons a lot hipper than I give them credit for from what I’ve learned from my ocassional de-lurking?)

    “More information about Culver Vale can be found on the Internet”

  181. Ukulele Ike
    October 5th, 2007 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    178: It was “Red” something, naturally.

    Herring?

    No, wait…of course. “Red Aurora.”

  182. Calico
    October 5th, 2007 at 7:28 pm [Reply]

    #156 – hilarious. Thanks for the laughs, True.

    #168 – I’m sorry.

    MT – is that Ed Muskie in panel three, or is someone trying to imitate our beloved (and much better looking) Chennux?

    You better watch it, predatory fish! Aaaahhhh!
    (Quack)

  183. Spotted HØrse
    October 5th, 2007 at 8:08 pm [Reply]

    #161 Red Greenback: Boy howdy, that’s some … horn Archie’s sporting there.

    Red, I recently unearthed your Sondra Prill link. Great Googly Moogly, that’s some giddily transcendant crap! Your links are things of beauty, ergo, joys forever.

    HBGlord: Snark or lurk, it’s always a pleasure to have you here.

    #168 Ribinin:

    One thing I learned from the experience was to never let “I love you” go unsaid.

    That’s sad and tender, and a good reminder. Thank you.

  184. The Porridge Bird
    October 5th, 2007 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    GT: “Holy smokes, Tony. Look at this! I’ve swallowed the laptop!”

  185. LAmonkeygirl
    October 5th, 2007 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    I, too, call bullshit on Batuik for sanctimoniously whoring out the real suffering of those afflicted with cancer and those who love them in order to gain cheap publicity for himself, then dusting off his chubby hands when it came time to do the hard work of depicting what immediately follows the death of a cancer victim.

  186. johnny
    October 5th, 2007 at 8:46 pm [Reply]

    Forgot about airport security? What human on the planet forgets about that? Or did Spiderman forget to shoot his oozing web juice into a 3 ounce plastic bag?

  187. Braniff
    October 5th, 2007 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    To #142–Either that or Bil Keane was late in noting the 50th anniversary celebration of his favorite TV show Leave It To Beaver (which has values as wholesome and corny as The Family Circus). ‘Nuff said!

  188. queek
    October 5th, 2007 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    on the subject of isopods, T-shirts and webcomics, several yesterthreads ago I insisted that a certain web-comic character was wearing a Cthulhu shirt instead of an isopod. More recent QC strips have indicated that I was dead wrong, it is indeed an isopod, and not an Eldar One.

    I apologize profusely, and ask only that the pasta be removed from the boiling water prior to showering me with it.

  189. Edgy DC
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    Googling “Cul Vale” is when things get real exciting.

    http://www.costumecostumecostume.com/BatCat1.JPG

  190. alamo
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:06 pm [Reply]

    uh, we are supposed to wear pants when we blog?? no one ever tells me this stuff!!!

    you know you are a plugger when your razor is on its third bar of soap. who can afford shaving cream???

    yeah, i know….i’m late for the party. i had to find a pair of pants.

  191. Andy L.
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    If a well known, married actress was repeatedly seen in public in the arms of a masked crime-fighter, I would expect every tabloid in the country to make the connection and have hired a photographer to tail her husband. If she was married to a photographer who was well known for getting photographs of that same masked crime-fighter from near-impossible angles, it would be completely unthinkable that nobody would figure this out.
    I’m begining to think that the newspaper Spiderman’s real superpower is the ability to make everyone around him have the proportionate gullability of a spider.

  192. Jamus The Bartender
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    Hi, all. Well, I just got back from Madison Mudge-Con Ought-Seven, and a wonderful time was had by all. Gadge and Spider-Brick took pictures of everyone, we had a good time ripping on the funnies, and everyone was impressed by Ella’s Deli.
    It’s a weird feeling hearing someone call out “Jamus” in real life by someone who’s not a family member.
    Anyway,thanks for visiting my wonderful city, Dingo, Spider-Brick, Crooked Sorcidae( I think I spelled that right), and Gadge, drive home safely, and Josh, I think you’ll see pictures in your inbox soon.
    Also, I promised Dingo i’d write more porn, better get to it…

  193. Jym in the U.S.A.
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:16 pm [Reply]

    =129= DT (Lake Eerie): You’ll be happy to know that The Boss has a rockin’ new album out, so the George Wills of the present era have another opportunity to totally misunderstand his lyrics.

    =146= Archie (Red Greenback): It’s not her blog I want to tackle. Speaking of which …

    =150= Archie (Cornwhacker): … thanks! I see that her Bloggy Rules instruct me to be candid. Can do? Can did!

  194. Dean Booth
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    So… far… behind…

    But I’ve been messing with Death Day in Comic Land.

  195. Crooked Soricidae
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    The Madison Mini-Mudge Mingling 2007 was a blast and to those who said they were coming and didn’t show, I merely say pffffffffft!!!

    Good food, good company and reminiscing about the Mudge TDIET takeover plot along with the traditional toast to Lisa assisted in making this a party not to be missed.

  196. Ms. Berry
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    Yeah, I’m in Eugene, OR- and our flag is pretty lame. On the back side we have a dinky little clip art beaver. In grade school, during the “State history” section, everyone’s blue markers would always get ruined.

  197. Anna Nimity
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    148. True Fable – You simply must tell us who you are sleeping with on the FOOB staff in order to get these Coffee Talk letters posted!!! Is it perhaps the Big Girl herself? Talk about spilling the beans….

  198. Old Man Muffaroo [Hey, kids! Kip W!]
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    FW – Why do I feel like Les has also acquired a faint German accent? Anyway, this is pretty clever… he’s going to sit there and drone away for a couple of days on that couch to try and convince us we missed something in the ten years the strip was hurtling through time. (Shouldn’t Crankshaft have died by now??)

    Pluggers – Sixty-cent razor? Maybe, but he didn’t pay sixty pennies for it. It came free in the mail from a now-defunct company that was sure if people got to try their superb product, they’d come across with the dough to buy one. (Though, to be fair, part of the reason they went belly up was the plastic blade.)

    Holy smeg! The plugger is doing a guest shot in Mallard Fillmore today. No wonder he wanted to shave.

    Hogan @6 – It’s how you spell it in the language of those Eastern bloc countries they used to sneak into every week on “Mission:Impossible.” You know, the ones that label the broom closet BROOM CLOSET, only the R is backwards and the Os have umlauts and slashes.

    But that guy’s not East German. He’s from one of the Stans (Kazakhstan or Uzbekhistan, perhaps), as witness his very Asian eyes. (Just like the popular song, “He’s got Very Asian eyes…”)

    Wait! That sequence of grawlix… he’s saying “Go to Saturn!” (note: I see now that Cornwacker already said this @150, but I’m leaving this in so I can use the term “grawlix.”)

    Mogalike @50 – Be glad it’s not animated. We’re spared the sight of their horrified eyes following something downward together just before they almost thow up over what they’re seeing.

    commodorejohn @139 – Don’t worry. Curtis will decide to turn over a new leaf, and his first and only ‘good deed’ will be to stamp and mail that letter. Something will ensue. Oh, how I wonder what. What!

    Stranger… @140 – You are referring to the wonder of Synchro-vox, the technical wonder that let Clutch Cargo talk. It ranks up there with the skateboard with off-center axles, which let him walk (behind hedges).

    big PS – There were 175 comments when I first saw the page today. By the time I commented there were almost 200. And smack me with a sardine if the level of snark today hasn’t been downright scary — as if this was some vastly extended COTW post. Way too many to even start singling any out. A golf clap to damn near everybody.

  199. True Fable
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    #194 Dean Booth – Bwahahaha! Masky McDeath pwns!

    Madison Mini-Mudge Minglers – That sounds like a blast! We want info! We want pix! We want evidence that will not hold up in court! :-)

  200. Bunnë
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    #75, Dingo, that’s candlepin bowling, there. In New England you can watch it on TV. Usually the people wear clothes, mind you.

    It wasn’t till I moved out of New England that I found 10-pin bowling, which has the giant heavy balls with the three holes drilled in.

  201. Jym
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    =193= ArchieBetty: Like I said, can did. But Betty, coy as always, edited out the part about me taking her to a nice little roadside place.

  202. True Fable
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    #197 Anna Nimity – Honey, I don’t know who is letting my letters through, I swear I don’t! I’m pretty stunned by it myself. If she introduces a goat to the series, I’m really going to have to watch my back. Or, whatever it is she’s after. >:D It’d be just like her to play to my weakness for sweet little goat faces.

    But of course, the Fable is still not for Lynnie! Never fear!

  203. Anonymous
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    “Look at this, Tony! Cully allowed himself to be photographed wearing a conservative suit, and squatting and presumably defecating behind the flag of Oregon! And to think we’ve shared a locker room with this sicko!”

    I would just comment that:

    Wearing a conservative suit, and squatting and presumably defecating behind the flag of Oregon, is the epitome of conservative public policy dialog in the country at the moment.

    The only alternative dialog at the moment is whether Sen. Craig’s bathroom antics are “icky,” which seems to receive a morally equivalent “icky” vote regardless of one’s political persuasion, so we’re left with what we’re left with. Which sad to say, is a toss-up between “Gill Thorp” and ‘Pluggers.” (I just cut myself on an old razor but new can of Gillette, so who am I to throw stones…)

  204. joel
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    “Look at this, Tony! Cully allowed himself to be photographed wearing a conservative suit, and squatting and presumably defecating behind the flag of Oregon! And to think we’ve shared a locker room with this sicko!”

    I would just comment that:

    Wearing a conservative suit, and squatting and presumably defecating behind the flag of Oregon, is the epitome of conservative public policy dialog in the country at the moment.

    The only alternative dialog at the moment is whether Sen. Craig’s bathroom antics are “icky,” which seems to receive a morally equivalent “icky” vote regardless of one’s political persuasion, so we’re left with what we’re left with. Which sad to say, is a toss-up between “Gill Thorp” and ‘Pluggers.” (I just cut myself on an old razor but new can of Gillette, so who am I to throw stones…)

  205. joel
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    I plead guilty to Posting While Intoxicated. I plead Prayer of the Court and will do whatever penance the court deem appropriate.

    Even if it be pretending that the current Spincoal storyline is even remotely worthy of the “Thimble Theatre” banner that Popeye inherited from the sainted Mr. Segar.

  206. Anna Nimity
    October 5th, 2007 at 9:54 pm [Reply]

    202. True Fable — Hmm… well….I may have to get Homeland Security to check your long distance phone bills, just to be sure there’s no phone s*x going on between you and The Trixy Minx! (Which is now by the way, my new favorite expression. “Fable! You Trixy Minx! How did you get into Coffee Talk again!?” etc.)

    I do have one alternate theory; that there is a Canadian Curmudgeon who secretly works for FOOB, sneaking in CC letters under the radar. Let us pray that LJ never features a goat in FOOB. Worlds may collide.

  207. Ardee
    October 5th, 2007 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    MF When did Ann Coulter become a green liberal?

  208. brb
    October 5th, 2007 at 10:03 pm [Reply]

    #194 Dean Booth – That is excellent! I can’t decide if my favorite is MW, or the smile on Leroy’s face!

  209. Gagott68
    October 5th, 2007 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    105. If Aquaman sat around watching TV all day wouldn’t he get electrocuted?

  210. Marc
    October 5th, 2007 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    You guys may want to check out this FW parody: http://www.shortpacked.com/comics/20070416cancer.png

  211. Red Greenback
    October 5th, 2007 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

  212. Helena Handbasket
    October 5th, 2007 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    #200: In Maryland we called it “duck pin” bowling, and compete to see who could chuck the little ball the hardest. I can’t seem to find any out on this coast though.

  213. Bob
    October 5th, 2007 at 10:31 pm [Reply]

    It’s gotta be goatse. The only thing that could create that look of shock and horror is a giant, gaping man-anus.

  214. Jamus The Bartender
    October 5th, 2007 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    THE CAT AND THE CURMUDGEON
    Chapter Ten
    Cassandra Has A Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Bad Idea.

    “To Lisa”
    The assembled group of Gadge, Crooked Sorcidae, Dingo, Spider-Brick and myself all raised our glasses to the late Lisa Moore, who managed to go out with a modicum of dignity, and with a guy dressed like the Phantom Of The Opera. Hey, we don’t judge. Well, we do, but you know what I mean.
    Goldberg’s was packed . Calvin had some new flying puppets of Harry Potter, the Rocketeer and other cartoon characters strung across the ceiling. A slightly drunken Dick Tracy joined us.
    “Well, if it ain’t the Mudges….hands on the table, anyone moves for a weapon and I shoot.” Then Dick burst out laughing. Always good for a laugh is our Dick.
    “Hiiiiii, Dick” we all said in unison.
    “Dick, I have a question regarding politics, “:Dingo asked. “If the Cold War was between the United States and the USSR, how in hell could re-starting the Cold War be blamed on Middle Eastern terrorists?” A few of us snickered, I was hoping Dick didn’t pull out his .45.
    “Shut the fuck up. Dammit, I don’t know where Locher gets that stuff. I guess he figured the time I hijacked the Tarzana Nights wasn’t believable. Say, can I borrow it?”
    “NO!!!” We all shouted in unison. I bought him a grain alcohol and prune juice instead.
    “So….” said Dick, a little less drunk than he had led me to believe. ” Talked to her yet?”
    I held up the letter. ” She says she’s sorry she stole my furniture to buy coke and she says she’s sorry she framed me for that Golden Cat thing. She left me a number to call her….but I don’t know if i’m ready….”
    Dick turned around and looked at me. “You heard about Les Moore, didn’t ya?”
    “Yeah….Dick, I think this is hardly the same thing….”
    “I’m just sayin’, ya know….” Dick took a drink….sat his glass down…”Like sands in an hourglass go the days of our lives…”
    I nodded, ” I know..”
    “And from what you tell me, she could fuck like a goddamn tiger.” We both had a laugh at that one. The former priest and nun at the next table shot us dirty looks.
    ” I’m just sayin’…..All Les wants right now…is one more day.”
    I looked at the letter….
    ***********************************************************
    Seventeen months previous.

    After we pulled Liz and Cassandra off of one another….seems Liz didn’t take to Cassandra getting too affectionate with her boyfriend….we all sat down at a booth to share some drinks. To be honest, I didn’t care for it much either, but I knew that was her way of making friends. Or saying hello.
    As the drinks flowed, the conversation got more heated. “So, Liz, where did you meet this handsome hunk?” Cass asked. I shot her a look that said, “Give it a rest, Cass” where she looked at me, biting her bottom lip, and pouted.
    “Um….well, my mom met him when she got into a fender bender…..I met him teaching in Mgtikwaki, and we’re together now.” So far so good.
    Cass whispered into LIz’ ear. “What’s his cock look like?” Liz turned beet red. Dammit, here we go, I thought.
    I turned to Paul, to try to bring some civility to the proceedings…” So….law enforcement….that’s gotta be interesting.”
    Paul nodded. He got the idea. “Oh, yes sir, it is. You meet a lot of troublemakers…kinda like bartending.”
    “Amen to that” I said, and we both started laughing, talking, anything to keep Cass from saying what she said next.
    “So…Liz…you used to date Jamus….how about we all have a foursome?” She said while sliding her hand up my leg, her other hand on Paul’s, and her tail up and down poor Liz’ torso. Dammit Cass, I thought. This is totally unneccesary.
    ” I don’t think that’s a good idea, Cass…”
    Then, out of nowhere, Liz threw her drink into Cass’ face, called her a …I swear to God….an STD laden whore….demanded Paul drive her home….and that was it for the evening.
    Paul shook hands with me and said that we should do this again sometime.
    I nodded and took Cass home.
    ————————————————————————-
    “Why are you so mad at me? It’s not like we’ve never had group sex before…”
    I shook my head. ” You made Liz feel like shit. You embarrased her and made her feel …well…”less than.”
    Cass shot me a glare, and pressed her chest against mine. ” You still wanna fuck her , don’t you?”
    “Don’t be ridiculous.”
    “C’mon baby…admit it. ”
    “Goddammit, Cass, just try to show some class next time we go out !!!!!”
    That stopped her cold.
    She whispered like a little girl….” I can’t believe you said that to me….” shed some tears….and crawled out to the fire escape.
    Needless to say, Jamus got no sex that night. Or the night after.
    ***********************************************************
    I held the envelope in my hand like a lead weight. Took out my cell phone….and punched in the number of the Anchorage Correctional Facility.
    The person at the other end asked me to wait five minutes until she could be paged.
    I said i’d wait.
    “Hello?” said a soft voice at the other end.
    “Hi, Cass, it’s me.”
    I thought I heard a soft sob at the other end.
    “Can you hear me, Cass?”
    “Mmm hmm?”
    “How are you doing?”
    “Shitty. Prison sucks. ”
    “I know.” I nodded towards the phone. Why do people do that? Why did Keanu Reeves do it in Matrix?
    “I’m sorry baby.”
    ” I love you Cassandra”
    She sobbed again. “Are you just telling me that because Lisa Moore died today?”
    I waited a minute. ” Does it matter either way?”
    I wasn’t sure, but I think she was smiling. “No…no it doesn’t. Thank you. I love you too.”
    End Of Chapter Ten

  215. Dingo
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    Ah, home again home again jiggidy jig. I had a great time in Madison tonight at Madison Mudge-Con Ought-Seven. Ella’s Deli has wonderful food and the four other ‘mudgeons made for a great evening. Too bad we couldn’t have everyone there. I’m looking forward to the photos.

  216. sonneta
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    If you think text can’t inspire that kind of shock, you obviously never went to fanfiction(dot)net back when they allowed NC-17 stories. *Shudder.*

  217. Dingo
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    Darling Niki
    with apologies to Prince

    I knew a boy named Niki
    Some might say he was a mirage
    I caught him in my home one day
    About to clean out my wife’s garage
    He said, “How’d you like to be my mister?”
    And so I joined Big Bro/Big Sister

    Sex with my wife, June, is something for which I do not care
    Her breasts – is that flotation? – remind me of a custard-filled eclair
    I’m camping, stroking Niki’s hair
    With muskies, and sniffing dairy air

    Niki!

    Rex Morgan’s ass is spinning
    Is it all just in his brain?
    This hungry power bottom
    Is never gonna be the same
    Niki’s lovin’ you in your behind
    And he will show no mercy
    But Rex sho’nuff he’ll show you how to grind

    Darlin’ Niki

    Woke up the next morning
    Wonderin’ what jus’ happen?
    There beside the bed lamp
    Was Josman’s The Log Cabin
    Niki, are you just a dream?
    Then why is my ass filled with spunky cream?

    Oh, Niki, ohhhh

    Come back Niki, come back
    Your dirty little Rex
    Wanna grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind grind

  218. bats :[
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    It’s da Saturday funnies…not at good as the Madison Mudge-Con Ought-Seven, but whaddaya gonna do?

    9CL: yawn, an inevitable conclusion (like FW), just with none of the drama and all the ennui.

    FC: William “Billy” Keane, individual with the earliest onset of Alzheimer’s Disease known to modern science. (No, this isn’t funny; neither was the comic.)

    MT: oh noezz! Little duckie toesies in peril!

    MW: I have to give Dawn credit for taking the high road. Of course the high-powered rifle in the trunk of her car is a little disconcerting…

  219. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:43 pm [Reply]

    Jamus 2:14: “Always good for a laugh is our Dick”: That Yoda, so self-deprecating. Actually, he’s hung like a tauntaun.

    Anyway: back from Madison Mudge-Meet something-something that one of us thought of which also would be a Roman numeral. Or something. Too much sugar!

    A splendid time was had by all – although Ella’s scary, demonic Ringo doll, wielding sharpened drumsticks, had me a bit frightened.

    I’ll try to get photos up at my Flickr site shortly – I may need help in IDing folks.

  220. HBGlord
    October 5th, 2007 at 11:57 pm [Reply]

    #167: I stand corrected (which is evidently more than Newly Progeriated Les can do, if your de-vertebration theory is right).

    #171, 177, 183: Aw, go on — no, really, go on!

    #217: I come for the “welcome back” back pats; i stay for the Dingo parodies!

  221. Mary Brandt
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    Making sure you’ve got Safesearch flipped off during a GIS really does radically affect your results, I see, as no one has yet mentioned the political cartoon in which Bush is being sodomized by an unidentifiable Arab man while leaning on an oil barrel that is crushing very tiny people, as he says aloud “FOCUS…”, and the Arab man screams “YAHOO!”. It is also in a star-shaped frame. Cheerful!

    Clearly, Culver Vale’s deep, dark, horrifying secret is that he is a political cartoonist. Milford’s worst fears…realized!

    -MB

  222. SecretMargo
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    10/6 Gil Thorp — Oh, the second panel warms the heart, seeing the team work between our heroes — one able to read numbers, the other words: together they are unstoppable literacy machine!

    Also: I think Cully Vale has been writing nasty letters to Gail Martin! Pass it on!

  223. Poteet
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    10/6 Foob — If I were alone on a desert island with Anthony and our very lives depended on working together to survive, I would STILL sharpen a stick and stab him to death while he slept because I MARGOING COULD NOT STAND to listen to him talk and this strip is a perfect example of why. DIE, ANTHONY! DIE NOW! DIE DIE DIE!

  224. Poteet
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    # 223 — The preceding rant has been brought to you by Foobloatharianism. Foobloatharianism — when disliking Foob is just not enough.

  225. benzo
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:25 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Please, please, PLEASE tell me that they are about to crash into an oncoming car and die because that fucktard Anthony took his hands off the wheel and closed his eyes.

  226. True Fable
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    FC Billy does U2. Badly.
    (WT)DT The first line of the last panel held such promise – “Dick, this is Tess – I’m leaving you”! But then it goes on, blah blah. yeah.
    FBoFW *hurrrrl!* The Foobacalypse! It is upon us! Yarrrgh! So much sap and treacle, all poured into five panels. Much like a Patterson woman’s slacks, it’s ten pounds of lard poured into a five pound sack.
    FW Okay, it’s mourning time.
    HtH I never saw a “Hagar meets Sam Not Sam Hill” mashup coming. Cools.
    H&L Ditto’s pal goes to the Church of French-Speaking Types? (“I blow my nose at you, you silly English Knnnnnigghts. Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”)
    JP Sam the Noble head-butts with Sophie the Gimme Mo Money.
    Luann TJ and Tiffany are the perfect couple. Let’s leave it there, shall we?
    MT I have this terrible mental image of a little quacker suddenly going upside down like the little bobber ducks at the fair. Awww…
    MW She’s caving!
    Phantom The kid can’t be all bad; dig the poster of Prince Valiant on his bedroom wall. Hopefully that is out of hero worship and not because that’s how he wants Mummie’s stylist to cut his hair next time.
    RMMD “Don’t forget your rubbers!” LOL, oh June… Mark Trail’s just waiting for you, baby.
    You too, Rex.
    Archie Damn it, this just IS NOT FUNNY. Nor even close to humorous, nor is it worth a ‘hmm’ and a head-scratch. It’s just….stupid.
    9CL Nice.
    DtM Looks like Dennis is trying to pull up his menace points before year’s end. And look at the ol’ man – seriously, this whole family could menace the hell out of someone if they really put forth the effort. Plus 10 points to Dennis, and 5 to Henry for the backup.

  227. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    Murky Winkerbean – When actualizing the fragile orchid of this mortality and learning from reading this comic that Death is like a bad Andrew Llyoyd Webber production, I intend to whatever it takes to live forever Cost Be Damned. Whether it’s sprinkling HGH on my morning Grapefruit, living in a plastic bubble or bathing in the Olsen Twins blood it will happen.

    Don’t come ‘a knockin death the check is in the mail.

  228. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy – Way to go out like a man East German Guy!! Your bad hair style and freakishly enormous Head has already punched your ticket on the Dick Tracy Ethnic-cleansing Express. The bigoted Detective Tracy just can’t stand having you sideshow folk pollute his genepool.

  229. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    Pluggers – a bear shaving his face. Way to sell out to the man “yogi” .

  230. SecretMargo
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    224. You said it, Poteet. I haven’t really minded Johnston’s foray into Jim’s Story: The Diff’rent Stroke, it seemed logical without being monotonous, and as much as the harmonica thing was weird and petty, it also rang true as a stressy sisterly spat… but then this happened.

    Now I’m confronted by Anthony’s spackled Crisco visage emerging from the shadows like the return of the repressed, and Liz somehow looking to him as a Voice of Hard-Won Wisdom, because he’s a Single Father who went through a Difficult Divorce, even though she’s the one who’s survived an attempted rape and the ensuing trial, a move back home and a subsequent move into a new apartment, and now the imminent loss of her grandfather. But no, it’s The Great Burden Placed On Anthony that must be re-iterated, and everything else must be judged in a sliding scale based on this Great Wrong. It’s enough to make you yearn for a nice, dapper, silent type in a mask, I tell ya.

  231. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    Gil Thorp – From the expression on Howard’s face I’m guessing he accidentally misspelled his initial target.

    Instead of typing “Culver Vale” He fatfingered the keyboard and his query came out like ” Deviant cross dressing goat sex” . It happens to me every now and then. The law of averages catches up with us all sooner or later.

  232. True Fable
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    FBW Nope, not going to waste any time or energy writing to the Coffee Stalk about today’s strip. Ain’t worth it. So Angstony’s waxing philosophical with all his “gotta be tough and hang in there” talk. This from the guy who had no HOOOooooome, right.

    And why not – Liz hasn’t got any worse concerns than a lot of us have. She’s got a job, her own place, her entire family within striking distance – some don’t have those things. Elly is always upset by Something, today it’s Grampa but some days Elly reacts just as strong to the dogs running in and slobbering on her clean kitchen floor. Anything sets her off. And Liz and April are constantly at each other over “things” and she knew Grampa gave April the harmonica so the kid has the right to be pissed and Liz knows it.

    So the big issue here, understandably so, is her worry for her Grampa. Okay, I’ll give her that,. Still, she’s not doing herself any favors confiding in Mr. I-Didn’t-Answer-Your-Question-Did-I.

    Are you stronger?

    Lean on me.

    Yes, but… are you stronger for what you’ve gone through?

    (i had no hooome!) Lean on me.

    Anthony, goddamn it! Are You Stronger, or am I actually a tougher man than you?

    Don’t hit me! My only defense is a purple nurple and you’ll kill me for that!!

    Well…Mom says at least you’re here for me all the time regardless of whether you’re supposed to be working or looking after your child or playing catcher with my brother Mike, whatever that means. Okay then.

    ugh. unclean.

  233. Artist formerly known as Ben
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:02 am [Reply]

    10/6
    And the Chron is refusing to show me most of the color comics. Now that’s just bad sportsmanship. Moving along…

    FW: Those who said Batiuk skipped over Lisa’s funeral spoke too soon. It looks like he’ll spend a few days giving the character the respect she’s due. Of course, you may need a stiff drink some of those mornings.

    C-Shaft: Can’t get on his knees anymore. It’s Ed Crankshaft, so I’m not really comfortable making the obvious jokes.

    DT: “Wonderful news, Dick! Little Caesar’s is selling desert calzones.”

    H&L: Sorry, kids. God’s not that fond of confused sports metaphors.

    W&E: Shit. Even the Lockhorns don’t give each other shiners.

    Momma: Ma Hobbs thinks that Francis has brought a disease-ridden prostitute to her house. She’s wrong, of course. This porstitute gets checked out at the clinic every two weeks.

  234. Artist formerly known as Ben
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    Hm. Still locked out of a lot of funnies, but in A3G, it looks like Alan may have to refresh Luann in little things like using a knife and fork. And breathing, for that matter.

  235. Helena Handbasket
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Aw geez, now she’s giving him “raincoats” for his trip with Niki.

    Can’t load lots of others, so the snark will have to wait.

  236. Uncle Lumpy
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    Hey! In today’s Phantom, a picture of “The Hero” brings hope!

    Of course, the hero is Prince Valiant, and the hope is that they’ll quite this lame-ass storyline; but y’know, it’s the principle of the thing.

  237. cymek_nine
    October 6th, 2007 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    Panel Three of Gil Thorp seems to have been drawn by Jack Elrod. Unfortunately, the editors have seen fit to remove the squirrel we all know is there.

  238. Jobrill
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:01 am [Reply]

    You know… Looking at today’s FBOFW, my biggest thought is feeling horribly sorry for Therese.

    The fact that she had to put up with that man for so long, and then SHE gets accused of breaking up the marriage when he’s been emotionally cheating with Liz from 5 minutes after they were engaged?

    Then of course, absolute disgust at what a horrid, creepy… thing Anthony is followed closely by bewilderment as to how Liz turned from an independent woman into a homebody.

  239. willethompson
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:04 am [Reply]

    Gadge, Crooked Sorcidae, Dingo, Spider-Brick and Jamus all in one room and the snark did not reach singularity?

  240. dreadedcandiru2
    October 6th, 2007 at 6:25 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Good golly, but Lynn is a nasty piece of work. Not only does she show two heartless wimps whine about all the self-inflicted crap they gotta deal with, she does so on what’s to her and all Canuckleheads a long weekend.

  241. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    October 6th, 2007 at 7:00 am [Reply]

    willethompson @ 239: No, but we did reach jocularity. I sent a few pictures to Josh, and I’m hoping he’ll grace us with a metapost, so everyone can see how goofy we look in real life.

  242. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    October 6th, 2007 at 7:32 am [Reply]

    Here’s hoping that this time I remember to hit “Post,” not “Preview,” before closing the window. Snarketize me, Cap’n! (And please, somebody fix the RBMA server!?)

    A3G: “Me… do art? Not… remember! Thinky-thing… not working… goodly! OOOH! Who pretty blonde lady?” “That’s a mirror, LuAnn.” “Hi, pretty lady! Look, she waved back!”

    Archie: And now, Archie knows why Jug named him “Hot Dog.”

    Baldo: “Really” is an adverb, moron.

    BB: Does Zero even know what “fervent” means?

    C’Shaft, Crock and H&L make four strips about prayer today. And A.D. had a dirty-restaurant joke? Swing and a miss.

    Curtis: Hah! I called it! I told you Curtis would see the envelope and mail it… in my morning snark message from yesterday… the one that disappeared instead of posting… aw, fwink it all.

    (WT)DT: Is that Dmitri’s face, or a snowplow? At least it looks like this plotline is finally over. On to the next disjointed, nonsensical bout of circular logic, unjustified violence, unexplained plot twists and Kafkaesque imagery!

    DS: But she does own a cat. It’s the little evil black one Clango talks to all the time. I’m confused. I’m also disappointed, because the Webcomic version of this strip would have made a “pussy” joke here.

    FBOFW: Hate to say it, but… More flashback strips, mule!

    FW: Having avoided this strip for so long, except when snarked upon by others, I’ve now added it to my Chron page, because I want to see what Batiuk makes of the opportunity presented by renewing (or re-olding?) his characters. We’re only two strips into the Great Leap Forward, and I have to admit, so far it doesn’t suck. He does seem to be presenting the funeral, and doing so in a flashback form is a perfectly legitimate framing device. I’m going to give it time.

    GA: Do we have a new entry to add to Margo, Boxcar, Saturn? “FIREBALL!”

    GT: Dumbest. vandals. EVER. Gee, ya think anyone will be able to figure out which school they’re from? All that Great Detective Kaz has to do is talk to the opposing coach, who’ll start to think, “Say, my boy’s been acting kinda sneaky lately” and the jig, as they say, will be up.

    Big Dog: must banish dirty thoughts must banish dirty thoughts must banish dirty thoughts must banish dirty thoughts must banish dirty thoughts

  243. ltrftp(not so first time)
    October 6th, 2007 at 7:41 am [Reply]

    168 Ribinin

    Most of the men I know who lost wives early never remarried either.

    None of the ones with kids, anyway.

    Sorry for your loss.

  244. XK
    October 6th, 2007 at 7:43 am [Reply]

    242, DS. Apparently, the black kitten belongs to Clango, not Maura. Thanks to Wikipedia for keeping track of these vital issues!

  245. Trilobite
    October 6th, 2007 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    The color comics embargo at the Chronicle seems to have ended, and so I am now able to read the Saturday comics…unfortunately:

    A3G: I am hoping that Alan drags Lu Ann down to the gallery to show her the paintings, and that the first words out of her mouth are “These are awful.” And then, distraught that her name is going to be associated with these insipid watercolors that look like a drunken monkey’s idea of what the front of a seed packet might look like, she flings herself out the nearest window, landing directly on Tommie. And then we go back to Margo’s story, which is where all the action is.

    Beetle Bailey: Zero was either praying for extra fingers, or he’s got a rosary made out of plutonium and his hands are now a solid mass of tumors. Some days, I really don’t get what they’re trying to tell me in this comic.

    Gil Thorp: Kaz looks so depressed by the message on the lawn that I just want to pat him on the top of his fluffy fright-wigged head and tell him that, hey, it’s okay that your team sucks. At least they’re building character, right? It’s not like they’re hiding terrible secrets from the rest of the team, or invading the privacy of their teammates and running to tattle on them to Gil, or…oh wait, I guess they’re doing both of those things. Huh. Well, um, at least you’re not betting on them: that’s something you can feel happy about!

    Mark Trail: The muskie who is so angry he cannot swim. He cannot eat. He cannot sleep. He can just barely push water through his gills. …Bound so tightly with tension and anger, he approaches the state of rigor mortis.

    Mary Worth: Wilbur seems sad to hear Dawn reminiscing about her orgasms…and for once, I actually agree with him.

  246. AhClem
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    Archie – Yesterday, Betty was blogging while not wearing any pants. Today, Archie is being screwed by “Hot Dog.”

    Admit it, Dingo. You hacked the software in the AJGLU-3000, didn’t you?

  247. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    XK @ 244: Technically, but Clango and Maura live together, don’t they? So the kitten still lives with her.

  248. Dean Booth
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    #226 True, RMMD: Great minds think alike.

    Marvin: So do small minds.

  249. Loopina
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Blondie did a nice gender switcheroo today.
    Zits – ewww. Nice face full of crotch-funk!

  250. NotThatGuy
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    FBOFW: What is it with the visceral gut-churn Anthony provokes? Here I was thinking that Lynn, with the dialogue between Liz and April, had set up an interesting sub-plot to send Liz back to Mtigwickiwacky, re-establish the relationships she cultivated up there, perhaps even rethink the Sappily-Ever-Anthony direction.

    But no. And this is Canadian Thanksgiving, isn’t it? I can hear the gorge rising all over the north…not nice, Lynn!

  251. Chennuxfangrl
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    Googling my own rl name did provide shocking revelations.

    Not safe for work, and for the morbidly curious it’s “Jennifer English”.

    I’m NOT the first result.

  252. monsieurjohn
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Josh – they didn’t use quotes in their image search, obviously, and discovered this: http://img412.imageshack.us/img412/7910/vale5pb.png

  253. Mibbitmaker
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    A3G: Blotting it out of her….. mind…… as LuAnn deals with post-traumatic stress disorder over her war with a long-dead artist who acted entirely out of character. We should be so lucky.

    NS: I prefer the theory that, when facing a giant dinosaur hell-bent on stomping the Neanderthals out of existence if they don’t become dinosaurs themselves, the humanoids just screamed old, tired arguments at each other (and something about “neoanderthals”) while the dino-hunters were too incompetent to aim their weapons in the right direction (Gotta give Wiley credit; tritely contrived allegories aren’t easy!)

    FW: Rain on Lisa’s funeral. The Batiuk cruelty knows no limit!

    S-M: We never did, Petey.

    Classic Peanuts 1994: Later, Linus throws a badly-thought-out intervention for Snoopy which ends with the Sopwith Camel (and pilot, zonked out on cookies) going over a cliff. Then Snoopy gets to meet Farley.

    FC: “Now…. who am I again?”

    Curtis: Then she tries to get the package out of the mailbox without a mailman (or cop) catching– …. oh, this sitcom plot was stale when the Flintstones did it!

    Nancy: Nance & Sluggo have the most hackneyed game of “house” in the neighborhood.

  254. Rusty
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:36 am [Reply]

    FW: Gee, what were the odds that it would rain at Lisa’s funeral?
    Cliche Winkerbean.

  255. Poteet
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    # 230 — SecretMargo, thank you for “spackled Crisco visage.” I like it enormously.

    JP — Arrrgh, no can access! But that’s okay. As I’ve learned from the Spackled Crisco Visage today, “we resolve whatever it is that’s weighing us down — and in the end, we’re stronger.” *pause for uncontrollable retching*

  256. Mariko
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    H&L–That is not a church. That’s a bloody castle wall! I mean, look at it! There’s not even a building inside!

  257. bats :[
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    FOOB: Geesh. I thought I threw up in my mouth a little.
    Only it wasn’t a little.
    And it didn’t stay in my mouth.

  258. Rob in Japan
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Today’s dose of irony:

    The question for readers on the FOOB Coffee Talk blog is “Which character do you relate to?” and then offers up the following (my emphasis):

    Tell us which character you can relate to best! Do you like Liz’s sense of adventure? April’s attitude? Jim’s fortitude? Iris’ selflessness? Which Patterson do you have the most in common with?

    Now correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Liz’s “sense of adventure” die a horrible death brought on by the Railroad of Creepy Pre-Destined “Romance”?

  259. OLDADEYO
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    BETTY SEEMS TO BE MORE ABSENT MINDED TODAY THAN USUAL.

  260. Dennis Jimenez
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    A3G – Did you remember your pants, LuAnn?

    DtM – Henry’s smile says, my pants python is poised to strike, Joey.

    FBoFW – Nietzsche, Phil Donahue style.

    JP – Just because everybody else got horny, doesn’t mean you have to, eh Sam.

    MW – And you’ll always have that semen stain on your blouse, Dawn – or so it seems.

    MT – Oh Elrod, must we learn this dark life lesson so soon after Lisa’s passing? Is that a mime duckling coming in the next panel?

    TDIET – Every nurse will tells you – it’s boresville for them at work – but for the slutty nurses in the porn flix – I guess in a way it’s boresville for them, too. OH YEAH!!!

  261. Dingo
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    I read today’s FOOB, oh boy. The moans of a million damned souls in Hell could not match the silent groan that went through my head. I actually was hoping for Sean Penn’s character from Dead Man Walking to find their car.

  262. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    Which FOOB character do you most relate to?

    o Liz’ passivity?
    o Anthony’s limp-lipped insipidity?
    o Elly’s need to control everything and everyone?
    o Jim’s incoherence (and, now, incontinence)?
    o Iris’ martyr complex?
    o Deanna’s obliviousness?
    o Michael’s high-and-mighty superiority complex?
    o Robin’s pica?
    o John’s constant obsession with those GOD-DAMNED TRAINS and that… that… SLUT who I HIRED and TRUSTED and… and… BAWWWLLL

    Vote now!

  263. Razmytaz
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Re: The Chronic’s comic web site…

    So what is it? Magmacannons from the Tarzanna Nights? An attempt to make me subscribe to the Chron? Or is their web site design and implementation well and truely a bag of muskie scat?

    I can see My Cage, but its labeled as “Missing Name”. But not Mark Trail (I need to see the little blue Peeps, since their coloring doesn’t make it onto the paper?

    But on the B&W side of the universe…

    Luann: Luanns folks are clearly in the opening stages of early-onset Alzheimers, since they have forgotten everything they knew about TJ’s capacity for giving: i.e. not much more than Margo’s.

  264. Helena Handbasket
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    MT: Now we see why the ducklings were blue: protective camoflage. As you can see, the two ducklings who maintained their blue color are invisible to the menacing muskie, and therefore safe, while the duckling who shifted plumage to looking like an actual duck is about to get a chomping. This is an evolutionary leap forward for the imperiled mallard species, provided that they are able to recognize and mate with others of their kind as they age. Otherwise it’s just a bunch of inbred hydrocephalic blue duck freaks living out their lives in Homer’s private pond.

    Phantom: Nice shout-out to Prince Valiant!

    RMMD: Maybe they should take some “gloves” too, June!

  265. Jadis White
    October 6th, 2007 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    FOOB:

    So are they parked or is Anthony still driving? Maybe he’s going to drive into the lake. (God willing!)

    If only Anthony had watched The Office, he’d know better than to pay attention to the GPS system.

  266. Mariko
    October 6th, 2007 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    #265 Jadis–Unfortunately, technology is about murdering you in a lake . . . meaning it’s malevolent. And what could be more malevolent than allowing Liz and Anthony to cuddle together indefinitely?

    Also, all this talk about shaving soap and dad’s old razor being connected with pluggers is beginning to unsettle me. I use a Merkur classic razor, and I shave with soap, a brush, and a scuttle. Does that make me a plugger? Oh, let it not be so!

  267. SecretMargo
    October 6th, 2007 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    261: I was hoping for Robert De Niro’s from Cape Fear

  268. ralph
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers would be funnier if the Furry Animal trying to shave looked in the mirror and said: “AHHHH! QUACK!”
    And why not try it in other strips as well …
    Spiderman in long line at the airport: “AHHHH! QUACK!”
    Saturday FBOFW: “AHHHH! QUACK!”
    DT: “AHHHH! QUACK!”
    Mary Worth: “AHHHH! QUACK!”
    GT Internet revelation: “AHHHH! QUACK!”
    Funky Cancerwhine, Les to therapist: “AHHHH! QUACK!”

  269. Old Man Muffaroo [Hey, kids! Kip W!]
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Archie – Even seeing it happen, I’m not convinced. The last time I saw a story so transparently phony was a “Morris Day, Sexual Pervert” page in VIZ, with Morris telling the emergency room personnel why there was a baby pit bull lodged in his rectum: “Well, erm, I was about to take a shower, and I slipped as I was bending over, and, er, my robe fell open, and…” (Meanwhile, barking and snarling sounds are issuing from his back passage.)

    Beetle Bailey
    Comic image

    Blondie
    Comic image

    Crankshaft
    Comic image

    Curtis
    Comic image

    Dennis the Menace
    Comic image

    I really prefer this conceptual stuff sometimes.

    DT – Looks like his wrist computer is half empty. It’ll be time to refill that soon.

  270. bats :[
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    262. SSB: I’ll send you a bright, shiny quarter if you submit your list to Coffee Stalk. Really!

  271. Big Sims
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    Therapist:
    I think it would be best if we talked about why you’re here.
    Crankshaft’s Kid:
    I really don’t know why… (twists hands) I guess because… I feel trapped, ok? So trapped I can’t breath. I’m a prisoner in my home. I can’t sleep, eat… that’s why I’m here, my Doctor referred you, I thought I had a tapeworm! (smirks, smirk fades when she sees the therapist is not laughing)
    T:
    You’re describing stress. Stress has causes and I believe the most productive use of our time would be to examine those causes. Then we can address solutions.
    CK:
    Causes? Cause. It’s singular, one word – Dad.
    T:
    Your father causes all your stress?
    CK:
    Ohmygod – you have no idea…
    T:
    Give me an idea.
    CK:
    (with a sharp look of irritation for being interrupted) OK, he’s old, semi-retired, and he’s… he’s… self-destructive. He’s stubborn, hateful, spiteful, determined, he’s a saboteur. Yes, a saboteur. If he can’t accomplish the simplest task, he flies into a childish rage and does really dangerous things to try to accomplish it.
    T:
    Why do you feel that you have to help him, protect him?
    CK:
    Because he’s my Dad! He’s a veteran, he baby-sits for me sometimes. I mean if he didn’t drive that shitty bus he would be at home all the time… I’d of killed myself by now! As dangerous as him driving a school bus is…
    T:
    He drives a school bus? A vet? Are you talking about Crankshaft? Get the fuck out of my office – you were never here, you understand? That dude is batshit crazy, do you know what he’d do if he found out I was treating you? I knew Margo Magee was a fake name…

  272. commodorejohn
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:00 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Luann, there is not supposed to be a question mark in that last sentence?.

    BB – Our Lady Of The Abstract Non-Representational Stained Glass.

    Curtis – Oh, thank God. I thought Billingsley was going to cop out on this truly wonderful storyline.

    DTM – Usually I don’t even count scaring Joey as “menace,” since, as Josh once pointed out, you could probably yell “oh no! Shoes!” and he’d faint, but a comment like that…well, look at the kid’s face. He’s probably just Robined his pants. Menace = Menace +3.

    DT – You know, if their hands were in front of them rather than behind them, panel three would be portraying something entirely different.

    FOOB – AH GODDAMMIT ANTHONY STOP SHOWING UP IN MOMENTS OF HARDSHIP honestly what the hell why does everybody keep running to you to you’re not even part of the patterson clan yet and why would anybody lean on you when you fold and run at the slightest pressure ARGH

    FW – The promise apparently being for Les to snort part of the ashes halfway through the eulogy?

    HTH – DUCKS! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

    Lockhorns – In marriage, Leroy, they’re called “prostitutes.”

    MF – Gee, do you think this could be an allegory for how racism and/or religious persecution is okey-dokey as long as some members of the race and/or religion in question are crazy and evil? Mr. Tinsley, as a white conservative Christian, do you really want to open this door? (hint: Fred Phelps = no. No, you definitely do not want to.)

    MT – I wonder if you can order prints of Mark Trail?

    Pluggers – Pluggers are the creation of someone with an expansion fetish.

    RMMD – “Don’t worry, Sarah! We won’t hurt them! We’ll just trick them into ingesting sharp objects!” I mean, I’m not even against fishing, but it’s pretty hilarious seeing Rex lie his ass off rather than explain to his daughter that the fish are going to be injured and That’s Life.

    Zits – What’s with the Dreamcast logo in place of an O?

  273. Big Sims
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    AG3 – 4th Panel
    Alan – Uh… You don’t remember your Art Show? Wow… Hey! Know the difference between a drumstick and a blowjob?
    LuAnn – No.
    Alan – Wanna go on a picnic?

  274. Piper Grey
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    FW: Batiuk equates love with pain. He is saying that unless Les feels pain about Lisa’s death ten years down the line – unless a part of him has died and cannot ever live again – then Les will not only no longer love Lisa, he will never have loved her in the first place; if Les doesn’t feel this pain for all time, he will have betrayed Lisa. In Batiuk’s world, people don’t just enjoy each other’s company – they don’t have a positive relationship at all – they endure, no, embrace, each other’s pain. Life, therefore, to Batiuk, is a series of painful events without which there would be no love. To love his characters, in his view, one must see, feel, and take on board their pain. And so they become just puppets, not representations of human beings. I have given it quite a bit of thought today – more than it deserves, really – and have come to the conclusion that Lisa’s death doesn’t mean anything. Nothing that happens to any of his characters means anything, for there is no tragedy when a puppet falls to the floor…or is thrown away.

    JP: Now Sophie wants Sam to take the money. Oh, what is she going to be like when she grows up (in about ten trillion years at the pace of this strip)? I predict she will be a mercenary businesswoman, a sort of babe version of Gordon Gekko, only even worse.

    A3G: LuAnn: I’m an artist? You mean all that art stuff in the apartment is mine?

    Alan:Art stuff? You mean your watercolours?

    LuAnn:Watercolours? I thought they were boxes of sweets. No wonder the ones marked ‘Cadmium Red’, ‘Vermilion’, and ‘Naples Yellow’ didn’t taste very good.

    [Note to those who are unfamiliar with pigments: Cadmium Red means just that: it contains cadmium and it is toxic. Vermilion is also known as cinnabar; it contains mercuric sulfide which is poisonous. Naples yellow contains lead antimoniate; it is highly toxic.]

  275. Big Sims
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    Wait, Kudzu’s back? What’s going on?

  276. Big Sims
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    My mistake… I mistakenly entered the wrong date into my Chron site…
    Hate to dash hopes, seems Kudzu is really gone. Sigh.

  277. Islamorada Girl
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    Commodore John. You can order THIS print of MT. Of course, it’s only interesting to those of us who live on Chesapeake Bay, and then only because the landscape is so inaccurate. It should be filled with urban sprawl and condos.

  278. commodorejohn
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    #277 Islamadora Girl – Are you kidding? Are you missing the full-panel muskelunge drawing?

  279. Islamorada Girl
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    OOPS! I was so busy being snarkadelic, I forgot to include this all important info for you MT print lusters:

    http://www.chesapeakebay.net/bayfun.htm

  280. bats :[
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    272. commodorejohn re DtM: yeah, I thought being menacing just enough to get Joey to crap his pants is the equivalent of taking two weeks’ worth of junk mail and stuffing it into a neighbor’s mailbox. Not that menacing, and only a mess to clean up. Unfortunately here, Henry’s probably the one to do the honors, and since they’re out in the woods, there’s no high-pressure hose to attend to Joey.

    re RMMD: heck, does Rex even acknowledge Sarah as his daughter? Or is she another one of June’s little pet projects (“I found her behind the dumpster at the hostpital…she was eating cafeteria food to stay alive! The poor baby thought it would keep her alive!”)?

  281. Sunny Mel Blatherscythe
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    FBOW –

    Hot – Diggidy – Damn!!!

    I have ol’ Grandad in my dead pool. Now if Snuffy Smith could just die in a meth lab explosion I’d hit the daily double!!!

  282. AhClem
    October 6th, 2007 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    Tell us which character you can relate to best! Do you like Liz’s sense of adventure? April’s attitude? Jim’s fortitude? Iris’ selflessness? Which Patterson do you have the most in common with?

    Wait a minute. Since when is Iris a Patterson? Sure, she married Gwampa Jim, but she doesn’t possess the blood.

    FW – Given what has gone on in this strip recently, I’m surprised Batuik didn’t show Lisa being fried to a crisp in the cremation chamber. Maybe he’s saving that for Sunday.

  283. Dingo
    October 6th, 2007 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    I don’t remember which Madison ‘mudgeon mentioned this last night but…

    Archie and Hot Dog

  284. AhClem
    October 6th, 2007 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Dingo -
    I knew it! See my comment #246 above.

  285. treedweller
    October 6th, 2007 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, curmudgeons, for bringing me back from the edge. I wasn’t wondering how dull the razor was; I was wondering what pluggers do with shaving cream that doesn’t require a razor. shudder

  286. calico
    October 6th, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    DtM yesterday – nice, kid.
    That’s like your older, menacing self from the 60′s and 70′s.

    FOOB yesterday – nice, Liz-not.
    I think tomorrow I’ll give away your diaphragm with a Maple Leaf on it, even though I’m sure Elly considers it a “Family Keepsake.”

  287. Lulu
    October 6th, 2007 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    FOOB: Is Anthony driving an AMC Pacer? And am I the only one who is starting to miss the pornstache? He actually looks MORE bland without it.

    Oh, and have you guys seen Lynn’s look back at their great love affair on her site?

  288. AlmostAGhost
    October 6th, 2007 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    I’m relatively new to Mark Trail and all, so I have no idea what will really happen here… but the idea that they’re going to draw a vicious scene of a fish in a pond frantically devouring a little gaggle of newly-born ducks swimming above, while the man who initially saved the ducks’ home looks on, heartbroken and devastated, is extremely exciting to me.

  289. Niall
    October 6th, 2007 at 3:02 pm [Reply]

    Dingo strikes again! Bwahaha!

    Honestly, I think that the letterer (who may not have a good grasp of grammar, and that’s not saying anything about their nationality these days) inverted the two clauses, and it was meant to say “You could have tied your shoe before going inside” – except that this still would have meant us doing the great mental leap of imagining Hot Dog doing a great physical leap over Jughead.

    Not. Gonna. Happen.

    On other strips, this is exactly what passed through my brain when I saw it:
    HtH: AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!

    And the DtM would not be nearly that menacing without the expression in Henry’s face. He’s not only approving, he’s about to be abetting.

    So Tennie’s Hero is the Phantom who hides in the shadows and punches people, and John’s hero is Prince Valient who is courageous and rights wrongs. And this fits the kids’ personalities. Yet, I get the distinct impression we’re supposed to be empathetic to Tennie… nope, not gonna happen either. She deserves everything she’s getting for not thinking at all ahead.

    Jamus: a bittersweet episode of Cat and Curmudgeon. Thank you. I get the feeling there’s few left over, though. (Unless we get graced with a new canon Cassandra appearance soon…)

    I’m still giving FW a week before making an opinion on it. And judging from comments above, I’m happy I’m never looking at Foob again, especially when it stars the Foob Boob…

  290. Big Sims
    October 6th, 2007 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Big Shout Out to calico and Mountain Mama. Thanks for the Hellos.

  291. SecretMargo
    October 6th, 2007 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    Baldo — Excuse my shouting for a moment, I need to get something off my chest: THOSE ARE FIVE ADVERBS AND AN ADJECTIVE, YOU TWIT! Okay, I can go on with my life now.

    A3G — Yes!!!!! The long-promised aftereffects!!! Remember, memory loss was only part of a long list that also included PSYCHOSIS!!! If Margo and Eric are interrupted by an addled Lu Ann at the door, her hair streaked with black shoe polish, her lips smeared with Margo’s favourite lipstick (“Blood of Virgins” by Noblesse Oblige) and a fedora tilted rakishly over one eye, all the tedious palaver of the studio storyline will have been worth it. I have to say, the profound ontological uncertainty indicated by the concluding interrobang sure seems like a good start in that direction.

    Mary Worth — It’s time for you to accept that Drew’s odyssey with you is over. You’ll have to go back to being your own source of joy until once again you’re rosy-fingered, Dawn.

    And to Biggie Sims — I loved your Crankshaft therapy session. Sometimes I feel alone in the despair I feel surveying that bleak extension of the Batiuscape; it’s comforting to know I’m not. Also, welcome back!

  292. Mibbitmaker
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    Oct. 6, 2007 FOOB department

    We really should Bill Lynn for making us watch while her creation Withers away o so slowly. Makes us want to go back to 1972 (when there was no FOOB). So, anyway, here’s a song parody:

    (DON’T) LEAN ON ME

    Some-
    times in the FOOB it is a pain
    It is a big tease
    But, if we bide our time
    We’d wait until we get to the Big Freeze

    “Lean on me.” The timing’s wrong
    It’s the bad boyfriend
    The hell just carries on
    For it seems too long
    We just do not need
    Blanthony to stay on

    Lynn’s
    FOOBocalypse
    Won’t go away! It needs to get lost,
    Now! Lynn won’t fulfill good destiny,
    Our cookies get tossed

    “Lean on me.” The timing’s wrong
    It’s the bad boyfriend
    The hell just carries on
    For it seems too long
    We just do not need
    Blanthony to stay on

    So the twit is a bother, and he is just bland
    He is not somebody to lean on
    Liz betrayed Jim and April, that load understands
    He is not somebody to lean on

    He
    Is just a load we cannot bear
    That makes us wary
    When Grandpa’s out cold,
    Jim got KOed
    Blanth’ny we don’t need
    We just need an end (spare me)
    Spare me (help me)
    We just need an end (save me)
    Spare me (free me)
    Save me (quick-lyyyyyyyyyy)
    end

  293. Poteet
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    # 261 & 267 — BWAHAHA! Dingo and SecretMargo, I am too much of a weenie to have seen either movie, but I agree with you.

  294. commodorejohn
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:12 pm [Reply]

    #291 SecretMargo – More to the point, what teacher worth their salt would tell kids to use as many adjectives as possible? To quote Mark Twain (who ought to know at least something about good writing,) “When you catch adjectives, kill most of them — then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together; they give strength when they are wide apart.” Teaching kids how to use adjectives is a good thing. Teaching kids to use as many adjectives as possible is a horrible thing.

  295. bats :[
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    Foob: at least the Great Luv Affair storyline isn’t repetitious (tedious, maybe).
    Wait. Did I say not repetitious? Hmmm:
    http://www.yo-god.com/comics/bats/bats35.jpg

  296. The Evil Property Developer
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    FW: You’ve all missed a point. He deserves credit (did I really say that?) for getting everyone outraged or sorrowful over the death of a lawyer…

    A3G: #274 – I suppose it goes with her continuing love affair with HazMat.

    Luann: TJ and Tiffany really deserve each other. A 10-year jump here would show these two having been married to each other several times, and to others as well (sometimes at the same time), and both of them having been in and out of jail for promoting various, er, schemes. I just can’t see them managing it any other way.

  297. LTBF
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    I didn’t read Foob for a few years and missed Anthony’s engagement announcement.

    What kind of creep takes a date to a party to tell everyone he is engaged? And stays up all night talking tio her after a romantic stroll?

  298. Dennis Jimenez
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    This is just the bestest Luann story line ever. I can’t wait for the whole gang to walk in on TJ as he adds his special ingredient to his to die for Crème brûlée, while whacking off to Barely Legal magazine. Good times….

  299. Big Sims
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    #291 SecretMargo:

    Margo’s favourite lipstick (”Blood of Virgins” by Noblesse Oblige)

    SecretMargo, I bow Sir. A deep sweeping bow where the feather of my cap dusts your shoes. I once, a long time ago, read a story (I think the book was Other Fires, Short Fiction by Latin American Women.) about an ogre of a woman, a Countess or some such, who killed and ate virgins. Margo kinda reminds me of her.

  300. Spotted HØrse
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:45 pm [Reply]

    Luann: Oh jeez, I’m really getting cheesed off here. I want to explain to the DeGroot family that while hungry firefighters do not constitute a charity, they’re likely to cook for charity events, because their cooking is so good, Evans, you shmuck!

  301. cjb
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    294. Um, that’s really not uncommon in elementary schools – it’s a grammar exercise, meant for teaching the kids what adjectives ARE in the first place, not a creative writing exercise. Also, even if it were, as great as Mark Twain is, his writing style isn’t the One True Way of writing – many authors write good adjective-heavy prose. (Of course, they don’t do this by simply trying to find as many applicable adjectives as possible and trying to fit them all in, but again — this is a grammar exercise for elementary-school kids!)

  302. SecretMargo
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    299: Big Sims, thanks for reminding me: Margo shops for her lipstick and other beauty products at Bed, Bathory and Beyond.

  303. Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    Just found Dingo’s post above – by “post” I mean, of course, a comment at this website – and will state for a fact, concerning one of his links, that neither of the unclad gentlemen with the oddly tiny bowling balls is me. Or even looks like me. Then, he posted that before he’d actually met me in person.

    Some mudges, judging from some e-mails exchanged among potential participants in the Madison meetup, seem to think Dingo and I look rather similar. We also have the same first name, and similar glasses. However, Dingo wears a goatee – which, as we all know, means he’s from the evil alternate universe. However, I have a full beard – which means Mark Trail would dispense with the both of us with one powerful RFOJ.

  304. SecretMargo
    October 6th, 2007 at 4:59 pm [Reply]

    301: That’s what I thought, too. Which is why it’s all the more irritating that the cartoonist gives the impression that “really” is an adjective. ARRGH!

  305. Jamus The Bartender
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    289. Thanks, Niall. Yeah, there’s a few more chapters, I gotta relate how Cassandra stole things from the apartment after all.

  306. True Fable
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:06 pm [Reply]

    #300 Spotted HOrse – Doesn’t Luann make you want to go to every cartoonists’ house (except ONE) and say, “Please come with me and walk in the REAL WORLD for a change, so you can see how people really live and not just how your feeble imagination fills in all the huge holes of misinformation you have in mind”?

    The one exception, of course, is Lynn because (a) she wouldn’t listen (b) she’d sicc her lawyers on you for mentioning Just Like Reality without her permission, and (c) because she just MIGHT come out of La-La land and into the Real World where Fables and goats reside, and I would be on the run then.

  307. ltrftp(not so first time)
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    304
    Secret Margo
    Really?

  308. Big Sims
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    No my SecretMargo, Thank You for reminding me of that awful woman. When I get home from work tonight I’ll dig up Other Fires and have me a Margo moment. In the tub. With bubbles held up about my neck by the sheer force of my iron will.
    Could Margo’s store be Butch, Bathory and Behead?

  309. nsr
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    a3g- after they couldn’t keep focused on, and now seem to have dropped entirely, a promising arc regarding Margo and a can of whoopass, I’m going to start callng this strip aRg.

  310. ltrftp(not so first time)
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    Big Sims
    How about Bell, Book and candle?

  311. Big Sims
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    309# nsr
    Margo has not yet begun to fight.
    I have to tell myself that, I know I might be in for a letdown, but hell, I’ve gotta dream.

    310# Itrftp
    I can dig it.

  312. Poteet
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:20 pm [Reply]

    # 300 — Thanks, Spotted H0rse, for the quick education. Also, and apologies if this has been mentioned, I do believe most states have regulations that govern cooking and catering on a commercial scale, and seems to me that delivering meals to several firehouses on a regular basis might qualify.

  313. SecretMargo
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    310: Or just rename the whole strip: Red, Bathory, and The Blonde?

  314. Charles
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    A3G – I’m having more fun pretending that this strip is done in a tounge-in-cheek kind of cheesy way, like the TV shows Scrubs or Ugly Betty. It’s the only way I’ve found to make Apartment 3-G remotely fun.

    Archie – I don’t get it? What does the dog have to do with anything?

    DtM – Slowly this strip is transitioning into Crankshaft: The Early Years. Anything Dennis says can easily be said by the Cranky one.

    FOOB – Keep your hands on the steering wheel when driving!

    FW – In panel 3, is he crying or ready to vomit? Because a poem like that could inspire either reaction, really.

    H&L – I have never, ever seen a church built to look like a castle. And I live in Grand Rapids, MI, whose unofficial nickname is “The City of Churches.” There are dozens of churches every few miles. I guess this strip would appeal to those who have never been outside and have no clue what an average church might look like.

    Luann – I actually really love this dorky little plotline. I hope it ends, not with TJ and Tiffany’s extortion scheme being found out, but with the fire engine company deciding that the cooking was horrible and they decide to fire everyone.

    MT – Good heavens, I’m going to have nightmares after seeing that Muskie.

    Marvin – Oh, I can totally sympathize with two feet of leaves just falling on me from the trees. Oh, wait. No, I can’t, because that NEVER HAPPENS.

    Phantom – Does White Kid have a picture frame of Prince Valiant in his bedroom?

    Slylock Fox – Poor Bonnie & Boo Boo. They seem to be orphans. Boo Boo is dealing with the stress by doing whatever comes into his mind at first, not reasoning anything out. Bonnie’s anxiety has manifested into obsessive-compulsive sweeping. Is there a time when she is NOT sweeping that house?

  315. Dingo
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    Gadge is correct. Having now met him in person, the flesh, and sat with my right arm precariously close to his left thigh, I can say that neither small-balled bowling man looks like Gadge. I do have the goatee of the unrighteous and he does have the beard of the bear (though, we should mention, married to a woman) but I think if Mark Trail ever met the two of us in person, he’d be begging to be Lucky Pierre instead of swinging the right fist of justice.

  316. Plasma
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    People keep saying “ten years later” with regards to Funky Winkerbean. There’s no mention of any ten years in the actual comic. I had assumed it had maybe skipped over a couple of months. Did Batuik himself say something about “ten years later” at some point?
    Hm, I guess Les’s hair has turned gray and he’s grown a goatee. It doesn’t look like Les at all, I wouldn’t think it was except for the dialogue. But I can imagine the white hair being Batuik trying to illustrate the stress Les has been under, and it’s not that hard to grow a goatee in a few months. And maybe get new glasses, it looks like.

    Okay, so I can see where y’all would think it’s jumped ten years. But I think it’s more likely that Batuik just wanted to introduce a couple changes to Les’s character, make him a little more miserable, and figured this is a good opportunity to do so and he can just slap the ‘stress’ label on it.

  317. Josh
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    #316 Plasma — The decade-long jump forward hasn’t been announced in the strip itself, but has been discussed in all of the promotional material from the syndicate about this storyline and the interviews with strip creator Tom Batuik. Presumably they’ll find some way in the strip itself to make it obvious what has happened.

    Josh

  318. Jadis White
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    #295 Bats – I love your FOOB parodies. This one brought to mind “Thelma & Louise.” It warmed the cockles of my heart — if only it were true!

  319. dale
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    314 – Charles
    H&L megachurch: I think you could find bell towers with that design. The rest of the castle theme may have to do with their view of inclusiveness.

  320. Anonymous
    October 20th, 2007 at 6:31 am [Reply]

    op[;o

  321. A random Spanish speaker
    November 3rd, 2007 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    About comment 75, it really says “love is when you’re the King of the Pins.” or whatecer you call the white things you throw with the ball, not the balls.

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