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Also, how do Spidey’s eye-holes blink, that always freaks me out

Spider-Man, 6/22/12

I know trying to question the logic of funnybook superheroes is just asking for a trip down a rabbithole of crazy but: since Peter Parker is not in-universe famous, wouldn’t unmasking Spider-Man be incredibly anti-climactic? I mean, it’s not like he’s internationally famous playboy Tony Stark or billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne or even well-known journalist Clark Kent. I’m guessing it would go something like “OH MY GOD SPIDER-MAN IS … uh … that guy? I guess?”

Actually, I guess that, since Newspaper Spider-Man MJ is supposed to be a famous actress, Newspaper Spider-Man Peter Parker might be mildly famous as “that guy who’s always lurking in the background, glaring sullenly at the camera in the paparazzi shots of Mary Jane Parker in People and In Touch.” Since this storyline was briefly about MJ’s co-star Jericho Brand attempting to sex her up before that was pushed aside for Clown-9′s marginally more interesting antics, one assumes that he, at least, knows who Peter is, since the master seducer always studies his prey before he makes his move. Though Jericho apparently hadn’t counted on MJ’s power of super-bumping-into-people, which she has on call to protect her feeble hubby.

Six Chix, 6/22/12

Haha, here is a strip I do not understand at all! I will eat pretty much any kind of fried meat and/or corn garbage America’s calorie merchants will churn out and put in a garishly colored package, so I am not really a “foodie” per se, but the one kind of food snob I am is a bread snob, in the sense that I much prefer buying whole loaves of good bread that you slice pieces off of with a knife, rather than mushy awful pre-sliced bread in a bag. And yes, these whole loaves can contain the occasional air bubble. Which may be what this lady is talking about! Except usually these holes are only visible once you slice into the bread? And she seems to be gesturing to some weird little loaflets that have dents (holes?) on the outside? And, yes, this is the point where I have officially spent too much time thinking about this Six Chix comic and/or bread-holes. The lady does kinda look like the one from this comic, who could never vote to convict an attractive man whose greatest crime was being so darn pretty, so maybe she’s just a deranged old woman, wandering around the Chixiverse, complaining about non-existent bread-holes and sexually harassing criminals.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/22/12

“Haw haw, that’s a good ’un, Snuffy! Now c’mon, let’s go burn down th’ newspaper for printin’ this Darwinist filth.”

215 responses to “Also, how do Spidey’s eye-holes blink, that always freaks me out”

  1. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    A3G: Hey, first-time mom Nina and first-time correspondence-school midwife Tommie are gonna have a home birth. What could go wrong? NOTHING. This is Apartment 3-G — things only go wrong so they can go arbitrarily go right again. It’s called DRAMA!

    JP: To the side of the road and over the cliff,
    Avery Blackstone goes!

    MT: “He’s hidden among those rocks!” “Great! I’m sure to get him now! I’ve got, like, 3000 points in Ricochet Kills 3!

    Phantom: Wow — Kit’s a natural for dialogue! He’s anticipated everything Victor’s said and asked and has a ready line for it. Watch out, David Mamet! The Ghost-Who- is gunning for you!

    Ziggy’s 41-year mission, to explore tired, stales jokes, to squeeze more money out of the franchise, to lamely go where Tom Sr. has gone and gone and gone before!

  2. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    PBS — Will the Singing Sword slay Dumb and Dumber? (Or will the Prince of Thule fail after making a “Valiant” effort?)

  3. S.Stout
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    S-M: There’s a comic series where Peter takes his mask off because of public outcry. As you can imagine, it’s incredibly anti-climatic except for J. Jonah Jameson fainting.

    Six Chiz: I suppose it’s artsy to put your bread up on ridiculously high display tables?

    Snuffy: For billions o’ years, monkeys wuz producin’ asexually?

  4. Droopy Says
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    9CL: It’s a Solange day. If only McYech would stick to doing cats. He understands cats better than humans.

    Bigporn: No, McYech, you could have tried to nix a clause that required you to interact with fans, if you’d been offered a publishing contract that had such a clause. In the event that you had chosen to be brave in the face of this improbability, it’s just as likely the publisher would have said “We like it. You don’t like it? Fine, we can cut a deal with some other cartoonist.”

    Now go see a shrink about your logorrhea.

  5. Anninyn
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    I think the woman in Six Chix may be talking about a specific type of bread baked with dents in the loaf, like foccacia, maybe? Either way the joke is that she’s desperately small-minded and ignorant, living a life that never extends beyond the tiny boundaries she’s built around herself. LOL.

  6. Mibbitmaker
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    New Pop Culture’s Kids is up!

    A cheap, “drivable” toy car and 3 of the more brutal kids in Megahertz — what could possibly go wrong?

  7. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    A3G: “No, please, Scott! I can’t just be moved around like you keep moving that end table with the books on it while we’re talking! Scott! Scott, no! Don’t pick up that lamp! Don’t set it on the end table with the books! Scott, I said no!

    Crank: No! No no no! NonononononoNO! Crankshaft is not being all cutesy wordplay this time! He is not being an adorably cantankerous old cuss! He’s just being stupid! He’s being a fucking moron, and we can’t allow this to continue any further! Crankshaft must be stopped!

    FC: Funnily enough, that’s actually not Daddy Keane. It’s really Nick Nolte from . . . well, I was gonna say Down and Out in Beverly Hills, but truthfully I’m pretty sure that’s just how Nick Nolte has looked in all his movies, like a homeless bum who just happened to wander in and laid down on the couch for some damn shut-eye.

    FW: “Bet you’re gonna miss these babies, eh?” Summer says as she gives a little shake. Her totally not-girlfriend pointedly ignores the desperate cry for attention, and I say good for her.

    GT: Fucking hell, what a horrible person.

    JP: “Take your time! I’ll check out my new gear!” *unzip* “Aaawww yeeeeaaaaaah . . . ”

    Luann: To be fair, Quill did provide the “lotion” at least.

    MT: “Oh, hey there, Mike!” Al Chavez said as he approached his good friend. “How’s it go-” Blam! “Whoa now, Mike, that was a close one! You almost shot me there! I don’t think-” Blam blam! “Haha, woo! Thank goodness you’re not too good with that rifle, Mike! Those shots were clo-” Blam! “Aw, now look at what you’ve done! You got me right in the chest, Mike! What’s that? Gum? No thanks, Mike, I’m good! I think I’ll just lay down here and die a little bit, if that’s okay with-” Blam!

    Phantom: Oh my god, the killer is calling from inside the house! The weirdly purple gradient colored house! Where everything, including the bushes outside and the good china inside are all colored to blend in with the walls around them!

    . . . reading The Phantom dailies in color is weird.

    Pluggers of the Future do find time travel a little awkward sometimes when they have to explain to their younger selves how progressive things have become in their time, what with the men starting to take on their wives’ last names after marriage, for example.

    Shoe: As I write this at one in the morning, I solemnly wonder if I’m simply sleep addled at the moment or if everyone else is going to see “U.S. fuck” too.

    S-M: Oh, thank goodness that Mary Jane lady is such a good actress, good at using subterfuge too keep Jericho from taking off Spider-Man’s mask. Of course, she could have also just said, “Hey, don’t take off his mask, man. That’d be a dick move. A real dick move.” But I’m sure socking him in the ribs and pretending to trip works just as well.

  8. Liam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    MW-Look at how excited I am, Dawn. I haven’t even taken any Viagra to get this excited. That is how excited I am for this trip to Italy.

  9. Chareth Cutestory
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: I know that visual storytelling and word balloons can sometimes be restrictive, let alone then having to work withing a set amount of physical space that a newspaper provides to you. Still, I like how MJ is able to give an ingenuous OOPS, then apologize, then give a stumbling explanation all before Jericho is able to get out his “OOOMF!” knocked over noise.

  10. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Hate to say this, Mr. Josh, but Peter Parker actually is semi-famous . . . as the guy who takes all the Spider-Man pictures. There’s a halfway decent chance someone would recognize him!

    Well, that is, if we were talking about one of the other versions of Spider-Man, admittedly. In this particular comic strip, given how much of a relentless sad-sack loser Petey is, we probably would get a partial reenactment of Lex Luthor in Flash’s body learning the Flash’s secret identity.

  11. CanuckDownSouth
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    Now, I know Alley Oop isn’t the snark-bait of WTF plots, art, etc, but I started following it a few months back, and am wondering if this kind of, well, incoherence-lite plot resolution is typical. ONE guy who *claims* to be an emissary from a land you’ve never heard of comes to take someone back there. Sounds fishy (what if he’s evil and trying to isolate and kill the missing princess? or just a wacko looking for a victim?) – but on the other hand, he just accepts that he’s found the right person because she claims to have the right name (not even a “you look just like your grandmother” moment? or quizzing old folks who’d maybe remember when Oola arrived as a kid?)

    So both sides are being idiots – but the cherry on top of this stupid sundae is Alley claiming Hamid turns out to be a great guy. Based on what? His cool almost-knife-you-in-the-neck skills?

  12. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#Y265): You may have plans for your kilt, but I’m really not sure what to do with this Ian-Cameron-tartan bikini top.

    Oh, come now! It’s summer time, and the living is easy. Mrs. Scudder is delighted with hers; as a full-figured woman she often finds it difficult to get a properly fitted two piece swimsuit, top and bottom.

  13. Mibbitmaker
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    Josh, re: S-M: Hell, he’s not even Mark Felt!

    BC: All Ant the Family

    St. Soup: “….with a French accent.”

    (BG&)SS: Couldn’t figure out whether the strip was misandrist or misogynist. So, instead, I just figured it was stupid.

    A3G: “No, you don’t understand, Scott! I’m your badly-programmed Stepford Wife. I must refuse to do anything a woman in labor would logically do! You know that!”

    MW: Chilling, isn’t it?

    FC: Dolly, have you ever met Clark Kent…?

    Glibporn: If Brooke thinks comments were so bloody libelous to him, then WHY BLATHER ON IN A WAY THAT PROVES THEIR POINT?!
    Meanwhile, Greg Evans replies, “Gee, I never have that problem…”

  14. Spunde
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Six Chix: She’s pointing to slices of bread.

  15. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Sick Chicks — I think this is cartoonist Benita Epstein’s convoluted way of telling us that on June 22, 1847*, Captain Hanson Crockett Gregory started plugging (no pun intended) his invention of “the first dough-nut hole ever seen by mortal eyes”.

    The New England sea captain liked to take his mother Elizabeth Gregory’s very fine “olykoek” on his long voyages. When Captain Gregory decided to hollow
    out the center of his mother’s pastries one day, a tradition was born.

    *That’s the date Captain Gregory’s account was first published in the Boston Post newspaper.

  16. Ranger
    June 22nd, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Luann: Now do me Quill. After that, you can put lotion on my back.

  17. Zemto
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    Ziggy: This morning my wife said “You’re going to like Ziggy. I know, I can’t believe I said that either.”

  18. CanuckDownSouth
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Alley Oop: and lest I forget to mention, the emissary doesn’t find it at all weird that right next to the supposed long-lost princess is her exact double. The little kidnapped girl happened to be sent to a land where there’s another completely unrelated but identical girl. Riiight. It doesn’t make him think for even a second that maybe neither one is the princess.

  19. Liam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (Y#294):

    A woman with a gun? You would only find something that radical in Judge Parker. In Mark Trail women are only used as background objects.

  20. Dood
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Barney Google and Snuffy Smith: Why does Lukey have a sorta-modern, pop-artish lamp amidst the squalor that is Hootin’ Holler?

  21. Naked Bunny with a Whip
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Maybe Peter bought his costume’s eyes from the same supplier where Bruce Wayne gets his cowl’s expressive eyebrows.

  22. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#11): I haven’t actually read Alley Oop in over a decade, but that’s pretty much how my fuzzy memories of it tend to run. A lot of it made only the barest amount of sense if any at all . . . but then that’s a comic about time traveling cavemen for ya.

  23. Matt Wilson
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    Six Chix: At first I assumed they were bagels, based on the text, and I could maybe see that for the ones on the right, but the leftmost one certainly isn’t.

  24. Joshua
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    This Popeye story arc ends with the missing-and-pronounced-dead Uncle Otto Oyl returning from being lost and reclaiming his fortune from Olive, right? If so, can we skip ahead to that?

  25. McManx
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – I dont’ know what is more chilling here: Wilbur’s creepy excitement about his and Dawn’s “upcoming adventure” that will “change” her life; or Mary’s megalomaniacal glee about changing “many” lives through Wilbur’s column. I’m not sure who is going to break into a hardy “Bwaa, ha, ha, ha!!” first.

    Luann – We are about to find out if the phrase “do me” has the same meaning in Australia as it does here.

    Snuffy Smith – The Scopes Monkey Trials did take place in Tennessee as I recall. With the hillbilly tradition of oral history, it is not surprising that Lukey and Snuffy would still be role playing Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan 90 years later.

    Spiderman – You’d go “ooomf” too if you fell and had the corner of a Stan Lee caption box shoved up your ass.

  26. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    Crank: Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill

    FW: This is bullshit. I know people who have done Kilimanjaro. You don’t need to bring camping equipment, only clothes. The outfitter/guide you go with takes care of all the rest.

    Garfield: Only John Arbuckle would prefer running around the backyard in his underwear with his pets, rather than running around naked in his bedroom with Liz…..

    Luann: “’Do me’, Quill”? “DO ME”?? Just more “tee-hee-hee” crapola from Greg Evans.

    MT: “FINALLY……….We have finally cornered ‘Sinister Squirrel’!!”

    MW: Oh, shit. Mary’s going into “hyper-uber-meddle”.

    RMMD: Only an hour? That should be plenty of time for Iris to get her drunken freak on.

    SixChix: You mean, like the hole in your damn head?

    Hope & Death: Now here’s one comic I have come to really like!!

  27. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    AD: ANTS GOT ELECTIONS!!!

    Doons: d’awwwwwwwwwwwww.

    IP: ok, I laughed. *gigglez*

    Lio: that’s lovely.

    PBS: WIN!!!!!!!!!! (I did not see that coming. *wild applaz*)

    Blondie: sports bar fail.

    JUMBLE: that pickanick basket had been out in the sun too long.

    Mutts quotes Bob Marley. My mind is officially blown.

    OBH: who’s on first?

    SFx: finally, a guest artist worthy of Reply All! *goes to check* Nope, still better at Age 7 than Donna Lewis.

    Retail. This is the strip that dealt with post-partum depression in two strips, yet has taken all week to STILL not get around to Val moving in with Cooper.

  28. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .getting the “special” weekend rate.

  29. Marc
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn- I looked at this strip to see what everyone was talking about toward the end of yesterthread and now I want that piece of shit McE to be repeatedly shot in the face by stray bullets from Mike Harris’s rifle. What a condenscending asshole. Using big words that no human being has probably ever said in real life to talk down to his readers and tell everyone why he is God and they are all shit on his shoes that are unworthy to even lick it off. All the while right above it, some naked tranny attempts to rape Thomas Jefferson or something stupid like that. Put down the goddam thesaurus for a minute; now fuck off and die you miserable old prick.

    Mark Trail- Mark is apparently a chameleon as evidenced by his hands changing color to match that of the rocks. If that dumbass would stop narrating his every move at the top of his lungs he could probably just hide in plain sight thanks to his newfound power.

    Luann- If were lucky, a few of Mike Harris’s stray bullets will find their way over to this beach too.

    Mary Worth- So yesterday at work I happened to walk past shipping. One of the girls working down there was wearing the Dawn Weston purple shirt/shorts combo. It stopped me dead in my tracks. Either this chick is an non-ironic Mary Worth fan or she’s completely whacked out of her mind.

    A3G- Boy that Bolle/Shulock team really has absolutely no idea how pregnancy works do they?

    Funky- Cayla wants to know what they are taking out of the house so when she burns it down while Les and Summer are gone, she’ll be able to give the insurance company an accurate description. Maybe old fishface is smarter than she looks. Not only will she get the new house she wants, but she’ll also effectively destroy the Dead Lisa shrine.

  30. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    @Jim North (#7): To be fair, in Mother Night Nick Nolte looked like a homeless Nazi, so he does have some range.

    @Naked Bunny with a Whip (#21): What? Bruce Wayne is the Batman?!? You mean being carefree playboy (who is always sullen, brooding, and prone to disappearing in the middle of high-profile public events moments before the Batman, sporting WayneTech gear, falls through the skylight) is just a pose? Mind. Blown.

    @McManx (#25): Enter the Meddler and her partner in crime, Dad-9!

  31. Maria Veiga
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    MW: Wilbur can’t obviously read body language. Enthusiasm is not exactly what Dawn’s attitude reflects.

  32. Holly Folly
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    You know the sad, sad part is this is probably the happiest Spiderman has been in years. YEARS.

  33. Liam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    MW-Mary has that look that suggests she might call in a favor to an Italian friend to ensure that Wilbur never leaves Italy.

  34. Hibbleton
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#27):
    “The left fielder’s name?”
    “Why”
    “I just thought I’d tell you!”

  35. Hibbleton
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    “The left fielder’s name?”
    “Why”
    “I just thought I’d ask you!”

  36. Pozzo
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that Snuffy (or Lukey — whoever’s hovel this strip is set in) has a lamp with a shade. I’d expect they’d have a bare bulb dangling from the ceiling — and not a CFL bulb, either.

  37. Illustrator Steve
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    MT – “Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the latest developments in this murder case speak for themselves. Mark Trail has testified to this court that Mike Harris is certianly no marksman. In fact, Harris has proven that he couldn’t even hit the broadside of a rock!
    Thus it can be cuncluded that Bush Pilot Mike Harris, who is very popular in his community, could NOT have shot Al Chavez with Gene Jackson’s loaded hunting rifle! This leaves only one logical answer to this extremly lame Jackelrod story, GENE JACKSON murdered Al Chavez in cold blood! The defense and the prosecution rest in total aggreement of this matter.
    Also, with the judge’s permission, the court asks Sheriff Jim to arrest Mister Mark Trail for meddling in police matters, trespassing, invading people’s privacy by conducting his own investigation and contaminating and littering the court with the kind of gum wrapper that people chew to quit smoking. Not to mention trying to get his fishing buddy, Gene Jackson, off the hook, no pun intended. Court dismissed! Oh, sorry, Judge, that’s supposed to be your call.”

  38. flatsixes
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    MT: Whoa! Now we’re talking! The way the Widow Chavez trims her Bush Pilot in panel two tells me that there’s a lot more going on here between Honey Bunny and Pumpkin than I realized. “You’ll have to do better than that, SLAVE! Or its the ball gag and hair brush for you!” “Please Mistress Elizabeth, not the hairbrush!”
    Whoo-hoo! As Donald Fagan might say “I did not think the girl could be so cooooooool…

  39. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    this may be the best 2:09 of bats :[‘s day. (the *real* cuteness starts about a minute and a half in!)

    a Teacher’s Pet for bb,u.

    ikkle big kitteh.

    meanwhile, in Japan.

    otter Gandalf.

    NSFBG.

    I .gif you a yawning sloth.

    The Daily Puppy is a Labradoodle named Cjewbacca.

    boatin’ corgi.

  40. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    *sigh* CHewbacca.

  41. Egg
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Ah McE – you are SUCH a twat. I really do not think the syndicate losing your strip from 60 newspapers would be the end of the world for them – or the general public. Since you must be independently wealthy, why NOT withdraw your wonderful strips from our peasant eyes? That will surely show us.

  42. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#29): Marc, do yourself a favor: Don’t read Pibgorn anymore. It’s bad for your blood pressure, and it doesn’t do your language any good either. He is not writing to deliberately offend you; he doesn’t know you exist. He doesn’t want to know you exist. Pretend you don’t know he exists either. You will be happier.

    // I find McEldowney amusing, most of the time. He’s a bit pompous, silly, and fond of long words, but the world would be a poorer place without him.

    // Yes, yes, I’m pompous, silly, and fond of long words too. There are several of us out here like that, and we are McE.’s target audience. He doesn’t always hit the target, but I’m glad he tries.

  43. Chip
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    Umm, Josh, I would argue that Clown-9 was NOT marginally better than anything Spider-Man has done to date. Plus, you have to give them credit for jumping on the whole viral-video-person-on-nitrous-reacts-crazy bandwagon! It usually takes them six months to catch up on these trends.

  44. Lawyerbob
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    Six Chix: I lived in an Irish working-class neighborhood in Brooklyn in the 80s. It was a big deal when a bagel shop opened–a sign of my gentrifying the neighborhood, I guess. One day while I was picking up my dozen, an old denizen came in and asked, “You got any whole rolls?” “What?” said the counter guy. “You know, whole rolls. Without holes in the middle.”

  45. Chip
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    SHOE: I see now why cursive writing is a lost art form. I sincerely thought the first panel said “Dear Editor, Why does the U.S. FUCK wear out so fast?” It made as much sense as the actual joke, once I figured it out…

  46. Cloudbuster
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    9CL: Every time I put on this violet sweatsuit, I have the uncontrollable urge to mutter “Life is brutal!” over and over again.

    Luann: I’m having to give myself a timeout from commenting on Luann to stave off obsession with that idiocy.

    Pibgorn: Brooke’s penchant for drawing sexy, naked succubi, fairies and demons engaging in rough sex-fights doesn’t bother me at all. I almost always look forward to Pibgorn and 9CL despite my snarkiness about them. His pretentious, holier-than-thou attitude, his ceaseless pendantic, self-aggrandizement and his clear contempt for anyone who would criticize him, those drive me batty. This year (About? Right? So far? It seems like forever!) of repeating a past storyline with running commentary has revealed far, far more about Brooke McEldowney than I ever wanted to know. “This little nook will remain free, quiet, a blessed oasis.” Good Lord, it might if you would just shut up and draw your strip! I also love Brooke’s notion of “freedom,” which apparently means “freedom for me to say or do whatever I want, and no voice granted to anyone else, ever.” He doesn’t owe anyone freedom to comment on his strip, but talking about “freedom” when you mean unilateral power is really kind of obnoxious. He could have just said “This little nook will remain in my control, quiet, a blessed oasis for me,” and it would have been far less obnoxious.

    A3G: Really? Seriously? I can’t stand it. How are we expected to stand this contrived tripe? Tommie will now arrive to help deliver the baby. And they all live happily ever after. Blarg.

    MT: Bwahaha! The squirrel is ratting Mark out!

    RMMD: Yes, for Petes’ sake, Iris! Hurry it up! I can’t believe we’re spending an entire week on “Mabel wants to talk to you.” “OK, I will go talk to her.”

    MW: Multiple meddlegasm!

    Dilbert: Well, at least the PHB is giving him clear, goal-oriented guidance. I could live with that.

  47. Steve
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    S-M: In today’s installment we learn that MJ was bitten by a radioactive Gunther.

  48. Vince M
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Anninyn (#5): Maybe she’s at some really chi-chi bakery where they sell bread by the slice?

  49. Illustrator Steve
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#29): “Mark is apparantly a chameleon as evidenced by his hands changing color to match that of the rocks.”

    MT – Mark’s hands and wrists may simply be covered with a thin coating of gray cement from all the tedious concrete and mortar work he has been doing at home before coming to work for his comic strip job this morning. After all, Cherry has been badgering him for some time now to build her that concrete vault to keep Doc in at night so he doesn’t wander off.

  50. twg
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    MW: I was at Costco yesterday and they had a sweatsuit the color of Brutality. I giggled with glee/disgust.

    Pibgorn: Once again, screw all of you assholes for bringing this comic’s existence to my attention. Ugh.

    RMMD: This was a worthless week of comics. See also: JP

  51. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    S-M: Come on Jericho, just because he’s laughing don’t you think he could fight you off, or jump up on the wall or… Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking either.

    SSmith: No, billions of years is what it took to turn single-celled organisms into higher animals and plants. These fellers are throwing themselves into that blasphemous theory of evolution with surprising gusto but little knowledge.

    MT: Do better? Easier said than done when Mark is starting to use his chameleon powers. His hands already blend in with the rocks.

    MW: Now in stereo!

    Ziggy: No problem, as long as Ziggy knows a Klingon exterminator.

    9CL: We seem to have missed a screwup somewhere along the line, one that would explain why Edda is wearing a prison jumper.

    BC: On the plus side, those teeth that ants don’t really have look fantastic.

    Garfield: Sounds like something that would be more fun if Liz were coming over.

    GA: As all household pets who come in contact with Slim know, life is brutal.

    BB: Stating the Obvious 101.

    HtH: Is “Three Little Pigs” that sad a story? She must really make you feel for the VILLAINOUS wolf.

    DT: Does Joe actually say or do anything? I have a feeling Joe Staton just likes drawing mustaches and turtlenecks.

    GT: Dude that’s like, so deep.

    Blondie: Unless they go for international sports broadcasts (Sri Lankan cricket tournament ahoy!) I don’t know what kind of games Dagwood is expecting to see during lunchtime.

    PBS: Now this has got to be the crossover of the year.

    DtM: The Mitchells have to find a last-minute babysitter before they go to that key party.

    S4th: Yup, that’s Ted’s daughter all right.

    H&J: “By the by, do you have any experience performing same-sex marriages?”

    A3G: “Did somebody call for Super-Midwife?”
    “Tommie, why are you wearing that towel around your neck?”

    JP: So I guess the hot pictures of Sam “checking out his new gear” are going to be in the pay section of Avery’s online “fishing journal.”

  52. Jamus The Bartender
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    Luann: I gotta say, my money was always on either Crystal or Bernice or a Hollywood filmworker of some kind to be the one to expand Tiffany’s sexual horizons.

  53. TheDiva
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    God damn you all, I just came in here to see what the daily commentary was and you made me look up Pibgorn on my vacation! Have you no sense of decency?

  54. A. Maggot
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Oh, just shut up, already.

  55. Dawn Doubleup
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    GT: Life is brutal. Brutal.

  56. Esther Blodgett
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:40 am [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#26): Re: FW. Guide? These are the Specialest Snowflakes you’re talking about. They don’t need no stinking guide. When they show up at the foot of Mt. Kilimanjaro, the mighty mountain will bend down so that they may step delicately onto the peak without breaking a sweat. Anyway, all the guides came down with cancer this week.

  57. Droopy Says
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#53): Have you no sense of decency?

    No. And at the moment I am wearing nothing but clothes.

  58. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Jim North (#7):

    Shoe: As I write this at one in the morning, I solemnly wonder if I’m simply sleep addled at the moment or if everyone else is going to see “U.S. fuck” too.

    It’s not just you.

  59. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#46): Again, re Pibgorn and 9CL, I have no problem with what McE. is doing, or even how he explains it.* He wants to produce his art in his own lonely ivory tower, without regard to commentary or criticism.

    Okeedokee. We can look at his stuff or not. If we must comment, we can comment here, or many other places, or each start our own blog devoted to why his stuff is rotten. We just can’t comment on his own site. Lots of blogs are like that, including some very popular ones. I really don’t understand why this seems to make people angry.

    *Personally, I write with two thesauri, one in each hand. Admittedly this makes it hard to type.

  60. Mumbly Joe
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    The ‘Amazing’ Spider-Man: I feel the need to point out that Mary Jane already alluded to the fact that she regularly sexes Spider Man, to Jericho Brand’s shock.

    While a normal person might infer from this that Peter Parker is Spiderman, and feel unmasking him to be basically pointless, apparently Mr. Brand instead took this to mean that Mary Jane regularly messes around with other guys, thus validating his insistence on hitting on a married woman.

  61. Marc
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#37): All rise for the honorable Judge Constance Harm

  62. Egg
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#42):

    I would have to disagree. The world is poorer for losing Bill Amend in the daily strips. The world became MUCH richer when Cathy Guisewite retired. The world would be a better place without the likes of McElDowney, Batuik, and Evans and their hack crap stories and illustrations.

    I’ll admit I click on the cartoons to see how bad they are – kind of like watching a train wreck. But, I would not shed a tear if these comics disappeared. We could all go back to giving proper attention to Gil Thorp.

  63. seismic-2
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    MT: Elizabeth Chavez is getting plenty irritated. “Just give me that rifle, you worthless screw-up! I’ll just shoot him myself. Jeez, I sure picked the wrong week to quit smoking!”

  64. Esther Blodgett
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:54 am [Reply]

    PBS: Nice. Real nice.

    9CL: I always love seeing Solange, but come on. She’s a Siamese. She’s mostly interested in how long this display of self-pity might delay her dinnertime.

    A3G: Seriously, does anyone involved in the making of strip have first-hand knowledge of how babies are born? Or did they just watch Steel Magnolias and a couple of episodes of “I Love Lucy” and call it research?

  65. Egg
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#59):

    Your first name wouldn’t be Brooke by any chance would it?

  66. Droopy Says
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#46): You know what would make McEldowney a lot less obnoxious? If he’d say “I’m not inciting anyone to crime here. I’m entertaining my fans. Enough people like my work to let me make a living at it. If it speaks to them and not to you, tough.”

    And if he said it like that. It’s called communicating. I don’t think he knows there’s a difference between “clarity” and “dumbing down.”

  67. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#63): MT: Elizabeth Chavez is getting plenty irritated. “Just give me that rifle, you worthless screw-up! I’ll just shoot him myself. Jeez, I sure picked the wrong week to quit smoking!”

    There’s a thought. And you know, it is a lot easier to quit smoking if you do it with a buddy. I wonder if Widow Chavez and Bush Pilot Harris get a bulk discount when ordering that chewing gum you chew when you are trying to quit smoking?

  68. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#59): Part of it is that comment threads became an industry standard, whatever you may think of them, and he made the active step to disable that. That would normally be fine, but then he won’t stop talking about it. He’s become the guy who won’t stop telling you in excruciating detail how little you matter to him. It’s become self-parody at this point.

    And that belies his claims that he simply wants to be above it all. Face it, the guy did all this because it didn’t reinforce his inflated opinion of himself. It really did get to him in a way that has nothing to do with his protestations.

  69. Marc
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#42): Nothing wrong with silliness or long words. And you my friend are the master at working in words from the far flung reaches of the English language and making it enjoyable to read. The way Brooke does it though just drives me nuts. To him, you are either an intellectual demi god like himself who understands his work and would never question it or you are a maggot unworthy to breathe the same air as him. Especially considering that he uses his “language skills” to go on diatribes telling everyone who dares question his work that they are inferior in every way. At least that is the impression that I get. It’s funny, I never read Pibgorn, but wanted to see what all the hubub about today’s strip was and then I saw that.

  70. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Egg (#65): That would be quite the jeu d’esprit, wouldn’t it? But no, my name’s McGill, but I call myself Lil.

    // But everyone knows me as Doghouse Riley.

  71. Mumbly Joe
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    MT: Apparently, even though Mark clearly considers himself a “friend of the animals”, not every animal reciprocates his affection, as that squirrel totally just cold sold him out.

  72. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Dennis“Our invitation has ‘absolutely no children’ handwritten on it.”
    “Huh. I’ve become fond of the little fellow… but this is the job offer I’ve been waiting for since high school. Okay, we will do what we have to do. Tell Wilson I’ve withdrawn my objection.”

    Fred – What do you know. It’s a vegetable marrow with the name of a meat marrow on it.

    love is… …dozing off during an Old Fashioned.

    Family – Is this DFC week, or what?

  73. Egg
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#68):
    Here here! Well said!

  74. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (#y295): The thing with Whistles and Daisies is that I only had them if they were at someone else’s house. I’m pretty sure I tasted them one time. I remember the seasoned cornmeal flavor, plus cheez powder. I think that was the Whistles.

    Did anybody miss Pizza Spins? TGI Fridays made a version of those recently enough that I think they’re still at the dollar store. I had a bag and enjoyed it, but the next bag was kind of blah, so I’ve either run into poor quality control or it’s another case of “love the first one, hate the rest.”

    @Vince M (#y303): Bows taste like popcorn. I remember it from the jingles. (When you think of cheese, say “Buttons, please!” They’re a cheesy kind of snack.)

  75. Marc
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#63): She had better chew a piece of that gum that people chew when they are trying to quit smoking and then strategically leave the wrapper in a place that only Mark Trail can find regardless of how many cops and forensicists comb the area.

  76. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    MW: So here’s how this is gonna go down*: Dawn will continue to perversely refuse to appreciate just how awesome her life is and all the great things Wilbur does for her. In Italy, her passive-aggressive coolness toward him will get more and more under his skin as the more Wilbur tries to please her, the cooler she gets.

    In a last-ditch effort to salvage their vacation, which has come to symbolize their relationship, Wilbur takes her to San Remo where they go out a boat. Dawn finally has had enough and tells Wilbur he’s a pill, that she wouldn’t mind being it Italy if it weren’t for him, and that after San Remo, she’s going skiing in the Alps without him.

    Wilbur snaps, beats her to death with an oar (“LIFE IS BRUTAL!!!”), and takes over her identity, having decided that if she won’t live her life the way she should, he’ll live it for her.

    And that’s just Act I.

    *That is, ff Patricia Highsmith were writing the strip.

  77. Here come the Judge
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    FW: Summer looks to be practicing her pole-dancing moves before heading off to college- I can only suspect that they’re learned from one of dead Mom’s tapes that we didn’t get to see. “Honey, this is how I paid my tuition, and it’s how I met your father as well…”

  78. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#68): @Marc (#69): To be strictly honest, I usually skip reading the long explications in Pibgorn. The truth is, they are a bit tedious. But they don’t make me angry.

    // Ok, this is really going to sound pompous – you might want to skip it – I think McE’s comments are truly intended to be humorous. He wants to be a Commedia dell’Arte Pedant. He is just not succeeding very well. Maybe I cut him more slack because he’s trying to do what I often try to do, and I know how easy it is to screw up: instead of being funny you become insufferable.

    If McE. were to ask for my advice (right!), I would tell him not to try so hard.

  79. OMEGA SUPREME
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: It kind of reminds of that episode of Justice League where Lex Luthor unmasks The Flash and says, “I have no idea who this is.”
    It was a bit more complicated than that, but you get the point

  80. Gunslinger
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    It’s obvious to me that Barney and Snuffy have just come across; On the Tendency of Species to form Varieties; and on the Perpetuation of Varieties and Species by Natural Means of Selection. We should not dwell on the paper being 154 years old, and instead celebrate them as being great thinkers.

  81. Santa Royale With Cheese
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    FW: I have been told by those who camp, “I’d rather be looking at it, than looking for it.” So yeah, redundancy is Les Moore’s friend. As for me, I’d rather be looking at a funny strip than looking for one.

    JP: 3 to 1 odds on the Mountain Man being the heavy in this arduous storyline. My guess: Mountain Man pushes Avery off the cliff, the contract shows up wherever it was heading, someone thinks Sam offed Avery before the ink even had time to dry, courtroom “drama” ensues (or MT-ish “gotta clear my name” drama, or both).

  82. odinthor
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    In re: McEldowney.

    [I see that this discussion has progressed while I've been writing what follows; eh, I hope what I've written still has bearing...]

    Sometimes it’s useful to assess things using a dialectic of of Goethe’s, which goes something like this (I was on my third Alexander when G. was nattering on and on to me about it all, had fallen off the stool twice, and was trying meantime to remember why one of my shoes was sitting on the table of that lady over in the corner, so my recollection of the details is a bit fuzzy):

    –What is he trying to do?

    Produce a comic strip (or two).

    –How well is he doing it?

    Aye, there’s the rub. What is the point of a comic strip? To amuse us? This plunges us into difficulties, as many different things, a proportion of which are mutually exclusive, can amuse different people; and indeed failing at achieving stated or inferential goals–such as being amusing–can itself be amusing. That way madness lies! We can take a step back, and state, at least preliminarily, that the point of a comic strip is . . . to communicate something. Vague as is this, it begins to give us something to grasp in the case of McEldowney: Does he communicate? Is communication served by, for instance, conjuring up arcane and recondite words outside the expected parlance of his readership? When he uses such words, are they peculiarly appropriate or necessary? Is the point of using the words to focus the situation presented in the day’s comic strip, or is the point perhaps something else external to the day’s strip per se? –And this question brings us back to considering “communication.” Communication is a sort of pact between speaker and listener. The listener invests his or her time in anticipation of the speaker dealing fairly by providing good value for his or her investment; the speaker meantime gains by dissemination or promotion of his or her idea. To use words and expressions unnecessarily outside the anticipated parlance of the listener gives poor value for the listener’s investment; what is more, it cheats the speaker himself of his end of the deal, as the idea being presented is achieving only a faulty dissemination or promotion. On the other hand, if it is a sort of Mandarinism situation, an exercise of vocabulary and language meant mainly to reinforce the status of an exclusive class and put down everyone else, well, that’s another matter; one could well question if a comic strip is the appropriate venue for an effort of this nature. So, “how well is he doing it?” We have to try to determine what he is trying to do.

    –Was it worth doing in the first place?

    Setting aside the temptation to undertake the difficulties of a relativistic standpoint (the likes of “For that matter, how ‘worth doing’ are the likes of [insert names of appropriate comic strips]“), we are balked of being able to answer this until we have come to a conclusion with our previous question: What is he trying to do (in which, I think, “and is this the most appropriate way to do it?” is subsumed)?

    And now, Jamus, could you oblige me with another Alexander?

  83. debussy fields
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    FC– “Dammit, Dolly, you woke me up right in the middle of a really nice dream about the new girl at the office. She was where you are right now and–You go away now, you’re hurting Mr. Johnson.”

  84. Poteet
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    A3G — I’ll say it again. Somewhere, Melanie Wilkes is laughing her ass off.

  85. NoahSnark
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    The fine folk of Hootin’ Holler will accept any excuse that allows them to throw feces at each other.

  86. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#82): I think I see what you are trying to get at there, but, I don’t know… could you perhaps put it in heroic verse, something in the style of Dryden or Alexander Pope?

    // Or, alternatively, a clerihew.

  87. Poteet
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    JP — Well, shoot. Bet I’ll never get to see that fishing lodge after all.

  88. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#86):
    Bruce McEldowney
    Makes people frowny.
    O curse the morn
    He created Pibgorn!

  89. Poteet
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    MW — The upshot of the Dawn/Wilbur story will probably turn out to be that if you’re trying to get over being dumped, it helps to spend several freebie weeks at a friend’s home in Italy. What a useful lesson.

  90. Poteet
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    @Cichla Vazzoleri (#76): He’s gonna look hideous in that hairstyle. Dawn doesn’t exactly rock it herself.

  91. A Smirch Unheeded
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#89): That’s a GOOD lesson!

    // So, just to get started, how do you go about getting dumped? I’ve always wanted to visit Italy.

  92. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#39): no, this turned into the best half hour of my day. Baby bat rescue > false vampire bat stretching > tanuki! > cougar > lynx > …well, your get the idea. Darn you, You Tube!

    @Cloudbuster (#46): re MT: nah. Squirrels just have their own agendas…

  93. Doctor Handsome
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    Jericho Brand is oddly excited here, like this is a moment he’s long dreamt of for some reason. “Here’s my chance to unmask Spider-Man!” “At last, an opportunity to sabotage Air Force One!” “No one’s looking! I bet I could burn down this hospital!” He’s kind of a weird asshole, is what I’m saying.

  94. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#82): So in order to know whether or not he’s effectively communicating with the audience, we have to try and figure out what it is he’s trying to do? Isn’t the fact that we have to try and figure out what it is he’s trying to do all the proof we need that, whatever it is, he isn’t effectively communicating it with the audience?

    Not that it strictly matters. The solution to all of the problems associated with McEldowney is the same now as it has ever been . . .

    Give us the cat. We like the cat.

  95. Jason D.
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Jim North (#7):

    I saw that, too. I’m shocked, SHOCKED, that Shoe is the first comic strip to use full-blown obscenities instead of “#@*&^” symbols. I always figured it would be something edgier, like Doonesbury or La Cucaracha. Or at least Sarge in Beetle Bailey.

  96. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#90): Agreed, but he’ll look simply divine in that dress.

  97. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Oh thank goodness that other people are seeing “U.S. fuck” besides me. I was starting to think I was projecting some kind of awful repressed mental thing on Shoe instead of the other way around like usual.

  98. Darryl Heine
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    NOT MENTIONED:

    BLONDIE – Dagwood wants to turn Lou’s Diner into a Sports themed restaurant?

    JUMBLE – Another Yogi Bear gag done by Jumble Jeff.

    ARGYLE SWEATER – My local newspaper, the Chicago Tribune, ran the June 22, 2010 A.S. strip with Mr. T in it instead of the June 22, 2012 A.S. strip with 2 ghosts in it since it might have had an inapporiate word or something like that!

    Speaking of JUMBLE/YOGI BEAR Mike and Jumble Jeff should pitch a Yogi Bear Comedy Show idea to Cartoon Network since Cartoon Network aired rebooted Scooby-Doo and Looney Tunes cartoon series.

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#72): The DFC link is a mixed bag. I’m not totally surprised that a lot of the contributors went to father/daughter incest, but those are actually the lamest jokes on the page. Tough topic. The funniest are where Dolly is berating her father’s loserdom.

  100. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Jim North (#94): I live in constant (if small) fear that one day BMcE is going to Do Something With Solange that will make us hate her.
    Then again, some people don’t like cats. Maybe the knowledge of this is enough for him.

  101. Shrug
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @S.Stout (#3):

    “S-M: There’s a comic series where Peter takes his mask off because of public outcry. As you can imagine, it’s incredibly anti-climatic except for J. Jonah Jameson fainting.”

    There was also AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #12, in which Doc Ock unmasked Spidey as Peter Parker in front of a whole crowd of people. They all refuse to believe it, and criticize Parker for his presumption in dressing up like Spidey and making a fool of himself, so his identity remained safe.

    (To be fair, Parker was very ill at the time and thus Spidey was so easily defeated by Doctor Octopus that it was hard for the watchers to take him seriously.)

  102. LUJBEM FEJF
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @Darryl Heine (#98): Darryl- Yes another. BTW, What paper do you read? Mike hasn’t been my partner in a year and a half. It’s all David L. Hoyt’s fault now.

  103. Doctor Handsome
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    I’m going to start adopting MJ’s smooth tactics here to cut ahead of people in bank lines. Just jump in front of them, elbow them in the face, and loudly say, “Oops!” Not even try to be convincing about it, either, just, “I guess I, uh, tripped or whatever. Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

  104. Doctor Handsome
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    I think this lady’s just been standing there poking the bread for the last 20 minutes, and now she’s going to try to get a discount because it’s damaged.

  105. Ride Dem Haunches
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    @Darryl Heine (#98): ARGYLE SWEATER – My local newspaper, the Chicago Tribune, ran the June 22, 2010 A.S. strip with Mr. T in it instead of the June 22, 2012 A.S. strip with 2 ghosts in it since it might have had an inapporiate word or something like that!

    No sheet?

  106. bbofun
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    FW-Okay, so they’re ready to go to the airport! Oh, dear God. You know what this means, don’t you?
    Next week- TSA jokes. ALL WEEK LONG.
    Well, maybe Les will be snarking and say something to get himself strip-searched. That would be something.

    Oh, and about McEldowney- my real problem with him (well, other than his ridiculous attempts at characterization) is that his reason for making sure there are no comments posted under his comics is that he doesn’t want to be criticized. If you make art, you will be criticized- it’s your choice to read the criticism or not. He didn’t want ANYONE to read the criticism. I’m sure, if he’s aware of the existence of this blog, he would try to figure out a way to stop us from criticizing him.

    The problem with not wanting criticism of your work is that every artist fails occasionally- but, without feedback, they will never know it. Now, it is true that a surfeit of criticism can inhibit art- but there is a cure for that.

    DON’T READ THE COMMENTS!

  107. Snarkotix Addict
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    MW “I can change someone’s life!… maybe many lives”

    Yeah, well, Mary Worth sure changed mine! Since I stole her credit cards and ID, I’ve been living extremely well!

    A3G “I can’t be moved…”

    What? Can’t be moved? Is, like, her neck broken?

    FW Was that supposed to be two jokes or one today?

  108. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#100): If that ever happens, we’ll just have to call the ASPCA and have Solange taken away from him and given to a more caring comic strip creator. Heck, even though she might be only tepidly funny with the Jim Davis Corporation, at least she’d be well fed.

  109. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#104): Sad thing is, I’ve actually seen people use that tactic at farmers’ markets with fruit and other baked goods.

    @bbofun (#106):

    DON’T READ THE COMMENTS!

    Hear! Hear! If I really like some chunk of pop culture, I seldom read comments (or even reviews) about it. There’s no point in reading that stuff unless you’re someone who actually likes to has an angry. Anyway, I think you should be the one taking over Ask Wendy!

    @Snarkotix Addict (#107):

    “I can’t be moved…”

    What? Can’t be moved? Is, like, her neck broken?

    She means emotionally. Call Mary Worth, STAT!

  110. Bill the Butcher
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    To be quite accurate, Darwin never said a monkey turned into a man; he said other apes and humans evolved from common stock. SO that paper was printing a gross misrepresentation of Darwin’s statements, one which is seized on by moronic creationist propaganda.

    OK, soapbox abandoned.

  111. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#110): I found this under your soapbox.

  112. Government Cheese
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    FW: Les will freak out when they subject him to a TSA groin check.

    MW: Looks like Wilbur will be looking for a job in Italy – hahaha good luck!

  113. sporknpork
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    Those platters of bread are sitting on… a wall of glass? An empty fish tank? A massive cube of Jell-O?

  114. Downpuppy
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#110): Also, the divergence was a few million years ago. Jeebus H Christ on a Triceratops, he’s got primates before the Cambrian Explosion!

  115. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    Since Stan Lee’s already ripped-off Joker gas, I like to imagine Spider-Pete is laughing in the style of Burgess Meredith’s Penguin. (And who knew that Newspaper Spider-Man would make Adam West’s Batman look like a gritty reboot?)

  116. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:36 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#106): that’s my take on BMcE. The Mozart story was okay the first time around (the sloth-like appearance in gocomics.com (I think it was only 3x/week) made it difficult to follow the gist of the story, but other that, it was fine), but I don’t need the Director’s Cut — he’s no better at defending/explaining/adoring his work than that Woman North of the Border.
    At one time I was really jonesing for him to get his stories into a book format — now, maybe I’ll buy a couple. Maybe. Someday. If I don’t find them in my local used bookstore.

  117. Dood
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Six Chix: I guess shopping lady doesn’t like those two steaming loaves either.

  118. The Ghost of Jarrod
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Remember folks, Tiffany is the bitch. Luann is the good girl. We know this because Greg Evans tells us this is so. Pay no attention to the way they actually behave.

  119. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#36):

    If everyone is gonna freak out on Lukey’s Lamp* then howzabout freaking out on the size difference between Lukey and Snuffy.

    Lukey is sitting next his to his fancy schmancy reading lampsy, on a stool that is waist high to Snuffy (who looks awfully smug with choppers in his mouf).

    *Lukey’s Lamp….doesn’t that say there is always something new in the universe that brings about greater change whether we know it or not, whether we see it or not? Eventually, it’s light reaches us continuing the change but that change does not come to light for us before something else new comes into existence?

    //i’ma cuttin’ and a’pastin’ that asteriskal notion to try and blow someone’s mind at a later date. In the meantime let’s see if the notion can be maintained or destroyed.

  120. bats :[
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#110): Absotootly! A pet peeve of mine, too.

  121. Dr. P and the Women
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    The Spider-man bit reminds me of a great episode of the Justice League cartoon. Lex Luthor and the Flash accidentally trade bodies, and as he’s running around trying to avoid the rest of the Justice League it occurs to Lex that he can unmask himself and find out the Flash’s secret identy. So he runs into a bathroom, pulls the hood off, and stares at his reflection for a second before he says “….I have no idea who this person is.”

  122. ALPHA SUBPRIME
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    Say, has anyone mentioned that episode of JLA where Lex Luthor possesses the Flash’s body yet?

  123. Señor Tortilla
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    BGSS: Snuffy Smith does sociopolitical commentary, and it’s meant to take stabs at some group. But who?

    9CL: Nice, but I want Edda (in that exact same purple night clothes ensemble Dawn had) curled up on the couch moaning “Life is brutal” every day.

    MT: OK, so the drag queen and the guy in the lifejacket are hunting down Mark because, why, exactly?

    MW: Uh oh…

    Pickles: This would be better if they didn’t reveal the spelling difference.

    Zits: These jokes were already old in 2008.

    Spider-Man: OK, this guy with the crazy eyes hasn’t met Peter, right? How would he recognize him? What would be the point?

  124. odinthor
    June 22nd, 2012 at 1:58 pm [Reply]

    #94. JN.

    Isn’t the fact that we have to try and figure out what it is he’s trying to do all the proof we need that, whatever it is, he isn’t effectively communicating it with the audience?

    Yep.

  125. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @ALPHA SUBPRIME (#122): Pfft, no. That would be totally lame. Who would mention something totally nerdy like that? Soooo lame. And nerdy.

    . . . besides, mine was first and totally awesome ’cause it had a link in it to a video of Lex Luthor possessing the Flash’s body. So there!

  126. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @Chip (#45):
    Dear Sir,

    The “U.S. FUCK” has been keeping this country going for generations.
    If the person is asking why it “wear [s} out so fast” surely they are speaking for themselves and not for everyone.

    Sincerely,
    Bird with Sloppy Penmanship

    p.s., you’d think I’d know how to use a quill by new, wouldn’t you?

  127. Joshua
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#110): Somehow it doesn’t surprise me that whatever newspaper Lukey manages to get in Hootin’ Holler describes evolutionary biology inaccurately.

  128. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. P and the Women (#121): I believe something similiar occurred in The Amazing Spider-Man #26 (1965). A villain called the Crime-Master was killed and unmasked as Nicholas “Lucky” Lewis — a person Spider-Man had never met before.

  129. ALPHA SUBPRIME
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @Jim North (#125): Whaaaat?!? Lex Luthor possessed the Flash’s body in JLA? What was his reaction when he unmasked himself? I bet it would be like Jericho Brand unmasking Spider-Man!

  130. Airace
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    “”>S-M, did anone point out that laughing gas does not really make anyone laugh uncontrolably without the ability to move or stop someone from grabing at your mask? Oh well I guess Spidy is in that way because he must realize how redicullus he is and if he laughs hard enough people may forget he is worthless!

  131. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#127): I should like to read the Hootin’ Holler Gazette. Twelve pages of funnies* and news from the 1858 edition of the Proceedings of the Linnean Society of London. Sadly, the paper doesn’t seem to have an on-line edition yet.

    * A running joke in tv’s The Beverley Hillbillies was that the Clampett’s hometown, Bug Tussell, was so far back in the boondocks that they were still getting silent movies as first run features. The Hootin’ Holler Gazette is getting science news from the 1850s, and their comics are so old that Barney Google is still in Barney Google.

  132. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @ALPHA SUBPRIME (#129): I dare say it might be just like that! Jericho would unmask Spider-Man, see Peter Parker, and be all “I don’t know who this is!”

    Just like Lex Luthor did when he unmasked himself as the Flash! :o

  133. Sans Sense
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    Pigborn:

    Dear World,

    My editors, readers and anyone who is not me are cretins. My work is perfect because I say so. I am erudite. You are vituperative, opprobious and vapid (not to mention perniciously snarky). This is mine, mine, MINE! I am surrounding myself with one-way mirrors so you may revel in my glory without necessitating that I see your wretched masses and your farrago of Winnebagos!

    I remain,

    Lord Brooke McEldowney I

  134. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    @Bill the Butcher (#110): @bats :[ (#120): Well yeah, there’s that too. It was the assertion that the gap between monkeys and men was in the billions of years that caught my attention first. But as you point out, apes didn’t turn into people any more than horses turned into rhinos.

  135. Mars
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:29 pm [Reply]

    Okay, no one seems to have realized this: whoever unmasks Spider-Man becomes momentarily famous (or in Brand’s case, famous-er) for doing so. And yeah, no one would know who it was at first, but in the lighting-quick Computer Age the photo would go viral, someone would identify it, and it wouldn’t take long.

    Of course, pointing this out isn’t funny, and won’t win me the Quote of the Week, which is why no one else said it.

  136. Sir Edmund Hillary Brooke McEldowney
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#y265):

    Your Ian-Cameron-tartan bikini top would go perfectly with the pair of teal Summit Socks I recently purchased at an Akron Dollar Tree store. That’s right, beefwits — they’re called “Summit Socks” because they were sold to me in Summit County, Ohio!

  137. Irrischano
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    “Before the laughing gas Clown-9 shot at Spider-Man wears off, this is a chance – To waste another panel by filling it with wholly unnecessary exposition!”

  138. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @Jason D. (#95): There’s a strip on gocomics called Ten Cats, with a small readership, the numbers of which I’ve been following recently because it’s a cute strip and I’d like to see it do well. The numbers have been increasing by 2-5 each day, every day, for quite a while, but today, they went down by that amount instead. I can’t help but think that happened because a flea called a cat an ASS unrepentantly in today’s strip.

    MW: I’d really like to see Wilbur pull a Carmela Soprano on Dawn’s self-pitying bullshit. Just snatch her laptop away from her, pull open her curtains and start dumping clothes on her bed, telling her that she’s going on a vacation to Italy for Christ’s sake but she’s still moping about her stupid anonymous ex-boyfriend (who we never saw prior to her being dumped) and about how awful the world is because of that. Her self-absorption has gotten to a point where it’s completely disgusting. I’d just like to see Wilbur call her on it and tell her to stop being such a whiny little shit.

    Which means it won’t happen, of course.

  139. Alter Ego
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#72):

    love is… …dozing off during an Old Fashioned.

    You made me resort to Urban Dictionary! But it was worth it.

  140. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Mars (#135): The lightning-quick Computer Age never happened in that universe. This is newspaper Spider-Man we’re talking about we’re talking about after all, not the far flung futuristic tale of Apartment 3-G, where super-sophisticated cellphones have completely replaced all other forms of communication. After unmasking Spidey, Jericho would have to rush all the way out to the street and hope he could dig out 35 cents and find a payphone that hasn’t been torn out of its socket or peed on until it’s malfunctioned if he wanted to tell anybody about what he’s seen, and that gives MJ plenty of time to trip him over and over again until he suffers that final, fatal concussion.

  141. odinthor
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#86):

    Eh, more like Jonathan Swift:

    The reader’s stumped: What does he mean?
    Is this to write? No, no—to preen.
    To puzzle and take for a ride
    Are but a genial bully’s pride.
    A bird will raise a threat’ning crest—
    Appearance all, so be at rest;
    Just so, such verbal tricks are null;
    The tinsel stripp’d, just so much dull.
    A writer who obscures his sense,
    In being opaque, is being dense.

  142. A Smirch Unheeded
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#131):

    The Hootin’ Holler Gazette is getting science news from the 1850s, and their comics are so old that Barney Google is still in Barney Google.

    When the Gazette finally catches up to the point in the strip where Snuffy Smith is introduced in Barney Google, will this be the Singularity which the Mayans predicted, where the 9th billionth Name of God is printed, and the Universe starts blinking out, star by star?

  143. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#138): Ooh! Ooh! I love this game! And then Dawn can go all Christopher Moltisanti on Wilbur by trying to straighten up her act, but not really, as she continues to compulsively use Facepage and Twatter on the sly!

  144. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Cichla Vazzoleri (#143): Nah, I think she’d go all Anthony Jr, try to kill herself and fail miserably so she looks like an even bigger loser. She’ll try to drown herself by weighting herself down with something that floats.

  145. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#141): Bravissimo! A Tale of a Flub!

  146. Hibbleton
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    Love is… Spending the day perusing the Hallmark store getting a year’s worth of platitudes…

  147. Liam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    A3G-I’m going to call our poorly trained midwife instead. With her lack of experience she will deliver our child just fine.

  148. Cichla Vazzoleri
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#144):

    She’ll try to drown herself…

    At a pool party?

    …by weighting herself down with something that floats.

    Professor Chinbeard?

  149. commodorejohn
    June 22nd, 2012 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    A3G – I suspect that for the rest of this storyline I’m going to be doing less snarking and more simply staring in dumbfounded amusement. I cannot wait for Tommie to show up and stand around staring blankly at things.

    A&J – Hee. Nice.

    C&B – God, I love this strip.

    Dilbert – Actually yeah, that’s pretty much the American college system in a nutshell.

    FW – In his quest to respond to critics’ claims that Summer looks like Mopey Pete in girls’ gym clothes, Batiuk continues to fill out her rack. Not that I’m complaining, Tom, but it would still be a bigger help if she had a girl’s face. Though at least she’s moved from Mopey Pete to Sluggo Smith. (P.S. please, God, let Les be stupid enough to try lugging all of that with him up the mountain.)

    GT – Uh, well then. Next plot…?

    JP – The sight of that hideous metal box on wheels tearing through unspoiled western American wilderness is damn near enough to turn me into Natty fuckin’ Bumpo.

    Luann – Well, this is a pointless anticlimax. I’m hoping it will remain a pointless anticlimax, because the other option is that it’s the start of several days of sniggering about the implications of this week, and if that happens I’ll probably choke on my own vomit.

    Mandrake – It made sense that Brenda Starr would be one of the first comic strips to admit to and address the slow death of the newspaper industry, but who would ever have expected Mandrake to be the next?

    MW – Dawn, put on some damn pants.

    The Norm – Are they taking a shortcut through Calvin & Hobbes?

    OBH – Third base!

    PBS – Oh yes. Bonus points for the narration.

    SF – What’s that, you say? This is Ted Forth’s daughter? How ever could you tell?

    SM – Wow, what a tense scene. Not.

  150. Jason D.
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    Forgive me if this ground has been covered already (not an everyday regular here), but why exactly does Wilbur have to go with Dawn on the trip, anyway? Isn’t she, like, at least 20 or so?

    Wilbur, buddy…did you ever stop to think that maybe the reason she’s still so mopey is because she has to deal with you chaperoning her around, rather than going to Italy to meet Hot Italian Guys on her own…and that meeting guys on her own would help solve the problem that led to you setting up the trip in the first place?

  151. Darryl Heine
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#102): I get Jumble in the Chicago Tribune.

  152. Darryl Heine
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Ride Dem Haunches (#105): I think the line is “Scared SHEET-less”.

  153. Ride Dem Haunches
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Darryl Heine (#152): An outrage! Cancel my subscription!

  154. Snuggs
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man: Waitaminute, didn’t Gunther pull that same “bumping” routine a while back in Luann? Really, newspaper Spider-Man? Taking elements from Luann comics? My opinion of you would be so lowered right now, if that was possible. But it isn’t.

  155. seismic-2
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    SM: Of course, we should all remember that Jericho Brand has actually met Peter Parker, so when he pulls off Spidey’s mask, he in fact know who he is: “Spider-Man is that mopey guy who’s married to MJ Parker? Meh. Well, let’s take our places on stage – the curtain is about ready to go up for the second act! Maybe this time Clown-10 will show up, and I’ll get to meet Tony Stark!”

  156. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    It made sense that Brenda Starr would be one of the first comic strips to admit to and address the slow death of the newspaper industry, but who would ever have expected Mandrake to be the next?

    In all seriousness, I think every strip that brings up newspapers in a matter-of-factly fashion touches on that issue (no pun intended).

    For instance, in “Mary Worth” we are shown that this Wilbur is a columnist, not a syndicated one but a local one. He can walk away from the strip for a while and instead of writing about his travels (which would be a change from an advice column but which might be of interest to his readers) he just bails and gets a novice substitute.

    The notion that Mary’s meddling has a track record that makes her perfect for temporary column writing is kind of silly. If this paper is some form of Shopper’s Guide, free and filled with coupons, maybe it makes sense. But, we are led to believe this is Wilbur’s paying job. So, he pulls a Tom Friedman and galavants across the world without filing a column?

    By treating the industry like this, or like how Spiderman treats Peter’s job or how Lukey reads the paper and comments upon things, it is kind of keeping a primacy to the newspaper as being more vital than it currently is, all things considered.
    There is an outdated view being maintained.

    Even in Hi & Lois, where there seems to be some neo-Ludditism occuring, it is acknowledged that as a news source goes, the source is plugged in more often than recycled in a bin (electronic vs. “dead tree”).

    It is sad. But, the main readership may still be reading the paper and not online. So, perhaps not always acknowledging the changing situation for newspapers is comforting to those comic strip readers, to that demographic. I don’t know.

    That’s too serious for the early afternoon…..

    squeakie squeaker! Hey Hey! Hyuck Hyuck!
    Didja hear about Clown-9?

    Turns out he’s got Clown-mydia. No wonder he’s so irritated!

  157. Peanut Gallery
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @exapno (#Y122):

    FW: I am still waiting for a Captain Spaulding joke/reference/SOMEthing…

    Away with Captain Funky,
    To Africa, you smug hack!
    We hope you never come back!
    Away, away, away!

    He says he’ll scale a mountain,
    But he can’t climb like true jocks,
    So let’s take back those new socks,
    Away, away, away!

    Sorry that took so long. :-)

  158. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    This @tallyHO (#156): was in reply to
    @commodorejohn (#149):

    which is where the initial, italicized words come in. They are his, not mine.

  159. This Guy
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Sans Sense (#133): What would happen if someone fed all of McEldowney’s “writing” through a Markov chain program? We’ll never know, of course, since nobody will ever want to sit around transcribing his mad ramblings.

  160. LUJBEM FEJF
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Darryl Heine (#151): What!! Do they really have Mike Argirion’s name in there? Or are you living in the past? I’m headed to the tower Monday. I may have to have a talk to someone. If they’ll listen. Of course they will! I do the Jumble damn it! Why else do people buy the paper?

  161. commodorejohn
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#159): I don’t believe Dissociated Press is based on Markov chains, but I did apply it on essentially the same theory a couple times.

  162. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#156): At least Barney Google gives the paper newspaper its due respect.

    // Extra! Extra! Darwinism! Scope it out!

  163. Écureuil Écumant
    June 22nd, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Six Chix: Looks like the work of Sir Richard Pumpaloaf, that demented bread-boffer!

  164. Écureuil Écumant
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#149) on JP: “The sight of that hideous metal box on wheels tearing through unspoiled western American wilderness is damn near enough to turn me into Natty fuckin’ Bumpo.”

    Hey, when money rains into your lap every time you sit down, you’d wanna be driving an armored car too.

  165. Peanut Gallery
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @A Smirch Unheeded (#142): No, at that point the strip will have been renamed Snuffy Smith & Parson Tuttle, it will have been taken over completely by Parson Tuttle, and Snuffy Smith will no longer appear in it.

  166. Liam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Jason D. (#150):

    My theory is that Wilbur loves Dawn more than a father should love his daughter and Wilbur is hoping to have sex with Dawn on this trip.

  167. Liam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    Six Chix-”Do you have any regular bread? I don’t like this Jew bread with the hole in the middle.”

  168. Baka Gaijin
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    I know I’m going to Hell or Westview, Ohio, for saying this. I hope when the Drippy Duo are standing at the railing atop the cliffs at Cinque Terre, Dawn perks up, yells “SAAAAANDWICH!” while pointing excitedly off to the horizon, knowing her father will reflexively run toward where she’s pointing, much like a dog will chase after a ball that’s been pretend thrown. Two seconds later, Wilbur realizes there’s no ground under his feet, pulls a tiny “Yikes” sign out of his pocket before plummeting to the jagged rocks a hundred feet below.

  169. Peanut Gallery
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#160):

    I do the Jumble damn it! Why else do people buy the paper?

    Kidding aside, I really do count the Jumble as one of the major reasons to continue buying the paper. (Other reasons include the Cryptoquote, crossword puzzles, and the occasional sighting of actual journalism.)

  170. Little Guy
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    @Jim North (#7), GT: And here I thought you were talking about one of the Thorps. Oh well, made me look.

    MT: Villian from the Death Star Stormtroopers Academy.

    Luann: HA HA HA Teenage Lesbian is icky…. wait, what a sick fuck you are, Evans.

  171. endless sky
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

    FW: Don’t you have to have a gimmick to climb the famous peaks these days? Will Les and Summer have to get in line behind the blind climbers, the one-legged climbers, and the group of thirty new agers who have chained themselves together?

  172. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:25 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#165): Exactly. By that time the New Jerusalem and my deranged theocracy (as FLM calls it) will have been long established, and all comic strips, by law, will feature clergymen and other religious as their leading characters. Look forward to Sister Luann, St. Mark Trail, Brother Pluggers, Dennis the Mendicant, Apostle 3-G, Confessor Crankshaft, Mandrake the Metropolitan, Dean Dilbert, Friar Frazz, and the Holy Family Circus, among others.

  173. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#166): Wrongo. Wilbur Weston is only aroused by the sight of sandwich meat (smothered in mayo) — which is why his nickname is “Sir Loin of Beef”!

  174. Liam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:31 pm [Reply]

    JP-Those giant rounded perky mountains remind me of something but I am not sure what.

    Crankshaft-At some point these people are going to realize that Cranky has suffered a stroke at some point in the past hence his nonsensical “jokes”.

    FW-I would like to leave Dad at home but I think it would be better to leave him in Africa.

    FC-Considering how long this comic strip has been around and the age of Dolly when it started I would say she is a good candidate for going through senility right now.

    MW-With shooting like that I am surprised that anyone would think you are capable of actually shooting a man to death.

  175. Willy and Joe
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke – After years of pleading with the Vatican, Operation Consecration was a go. As the holy waters soaked the ground around him, the demon-dog realized he was being trapped in Hitler’s yard and invoked his dark mastery of the Seven Deadly Sins against a weak-willed mortal in a desperate gambit to escape.

  176. Baka Gaijin
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#104): Oooh, I’m going to try that next time I’m in Germany. Keep jabbing my finger in the pumpernickel at the Tenglemann I will! Poke poke poke poke poke JAB. Now the brot is kaput. [sad]

    @ALPHA SUBPRIME (#122): That reminds me of the time Lex Luthor possessed the Flash’s body only to remove his mask to reveal…who the hell is that?

  177. So Big Deal
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    The Phantom supplies power to microphones. 48 volts.

  178. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Little Guy (#170): Oh, I was talking about them too. And everyone else in the comic, really. It’s a pretty good blanket statement for the lot.

  179. ALPHA SUBPRIME
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:47 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#176): Hmmmm… I wonder if there’s an allusion to an episode of JLA that could be related to today’s Newspaper Spider-Man. Thoughts?

  180. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @ALPHA SUBPRIME (#179): The only one I can possibly think of is that one episode where Lex Luthor and the Flash get body-swapped, and Luthor takes off the Flash’s mask but doesn’t have any clue who the guy underneath is. But that’s kind of a stretch.

  181. Liam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman-Bumbling woman. I expect that sort of clumsiness from Kent Clark of the Planet Daily.

  182. Marc
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#168): That would be the best story line ever. You could also replicate it over in Funky Winkerbean where Summer pulls the same trick on Les. Only she yells out “PULITZER!” or “TUMOR!”

  183. Darryl Heine
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#160): No, the Chicago Tribune credits Jumble as by DAVID L. HOYT and JEFF KNUREK. No need to bash…

  184. Uncle Lumpy
    June 22nd, 2012 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    @Jim North (#180):

    The only one I can possibly think of is that one episode where Lex Luthor and the Flash get body-swapped, and Luthor takes off the Flash’s mask but doesn’t have any clue who the guy underneath is. But that’s kind of a stretch.

    No, no — that’s The Fantastic Four. But I do think there was a time when some villain or other swapped bodies with a superhero of some kind and unmasked himself but didn’t recognize his face. It was on TV or something. Possibly animated.

  185. Erich Clapton
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#70): Kinda liked where that was headed. “Damn, I gotta buy the White Album again.”

  186. This Guy
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#161): The lines “Short! I can be me short!” and “In my OSS can” are more entertaining than the whole of McEldowney’s oeuvre (extrapolating from available data.)

  187. Disassociated Late Friday Afternoon Commenter
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:01 pm [Reply]

    SM: Wouldn’t unmasking Spider-Man – Clark Kent? He can unmask himself the Flash’s secret identy. And find out the the Flash accidentally trade second before he says as he’s running around he can unmask himself, it occurs to idea who this person he’s running around trying trade bodies, and as a second before he to Lex. Trade bodies, and reminds me of a episode of the Justice League. Since this storyline was to sex her up he, at least, knows interesting antics (one assumes famous).

  188. fluffy
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:03 pm [Reply]

    Might be old news, but Tom Gammill (who does the purposefully-unfunny “The Doozies” stuff) did a great thing with Mort Walker and his son: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwOx_SwEwW8

  189. Mr. O'Malley
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#88): Nice clerihew!

    To give Spiderman, there was a theatre in early 19th-century London where the audience was does with nitrous oxide. It didn’t have any actuall performers, but the antics of the other patrons were enough to keep the audience amused for hours.

    Speaking as someone who has a certain interest in old cameras, that is a very strange camera that Avery is wielding. It appears to be an inexpensive 1970s rangefinder with a built-in flash, but I’ve never seen one with such a large lens diameter. You would expect something more like this.

    Perhaps it’s something he had custom-made.

    Does Peaches run a darkroom in the back of the plane?

  190. Jim North
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

  191. Dissociated Fashion Spam
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

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  192. Mr. O'Malley
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    “credit” and “dosed”

  193. Mr. O'Malley
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Dissociated Fashion Spam (#191): Who was it who mentioned Markov models? Be careful what you wish for!

  194. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:25 pm [Reply]

    Are you sure you guys aren’t confusing that Justice League cartoon with that Beatles animated cartoon where Paul pulled a mask off of Ringo and it turns out it was Yoko and Paul says, “Oh No!”???
    And, John says, “ ‘Ellllo!”
    And, Ringo says, “I was wondering why me hips didn’t look familiar.”
    And, George doesn’t say much.
    And then they play a song, “Lovely Mary, Meddle Maid”.

    That was back when the Beatles were hanging out with the Maharishi Snuffy and were managed by Future Ranger Tom Martin ™ and nothing was easily recognized.

    thooooough, I could be mistaken.

    //besides, I kind of expect that if Spiderman’s mask is pulled off then he will blow up like a Clown-9 balloon and suddenly the entire strip will “progress” for an entire week with a multitude of laughing Spidermen while Clown-9 rides his duckmobile away as he…. escapes his “successful” “crime” of aggravating Spiderman? Stopping a bad play? Assaulting a movie star with a water gun? Chasing an audience out of a theater? (He seemed to be facing stiff competition from the play on that “crime”.)

    How is it that there was no trick pie thrown in this strip?
    So many questions…..

  195. Dr. P and the Women
    June 22nd, 2012 at 5:43 pm [Reply]

    @ALPHA SUBPRIME (#122):
    Give me a break, the comment system ain’t exactly easy to browse.

  196. LUJBEM FEJF
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    @Darryl Heine (#183): Good to know. Although I was looking forward to getting all medieval on them. That would make a Jumble…. What he considered the assistant manager job in hell. MID EVIL. (or something like that. It’s a work in progress)

  197. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. P and the Women (#195):

    He’s probably just funnin’ ya. I wouldn’t worry about it much.

    You are right though. It is kind of difficult to read through all comments if only because it can take time (and for me, that would be uninterrupted time) do that.

    Take it to heart that there are people who are familiar with that scene and in turn familiar with that cartoon…I guess.

  198. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#196):

    For a second, I thought today’s big answer was:

    Puke and Hold it.

    But, I went through it and realized it was the ol’ stand by that would make Lichty proud…I think.

    //btw, and this may not be bragging because it might be slow (dunno). a minute a seven seconds to solve. considering I read the cartoon first, that isn’t bad. usually, it takes much longer and I get stuck on at least one wrod. (<—sic)

  199. Zemto
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#196): Good to know. Although I was looking forward to getting all medieval on them. That would make a Jumble…. What he considered the assistant manager job in hell. MID EVIL. (or something like that. It’s a work in progress)

    How about a spoiler alert, Jeff?

  200. Chance
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    “Except usually these holes are only visible once you slice into the bread? And she seems to be gesturing to some weird little loaflets that have dents (holes?) on the outside?”

    Those are clearly supposed to be slices of artisan bread. All six Chix are supremely incompetent at drawing, in addition to being supremely incompetent at writing anything resembling humor.

  201. Frank Lee Meidere
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    @Mars (#135): I nominate this for COTW!

  202. Alison
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: So humiliating Tiffany isn’t enough? Now Luann decides to add insult to injury by loudly asking Quill to rub her back? Luann is such a horrible person. I can’t believe she’s supposed to be the good guy of this strip.

    “Spider-Man”: Every time I see ads for that new Spider-Man movie I laugh because they’re trying to make Andrew Garfield out to be all sexy and cool, and I know that all he really needs to do to play this role is watch a lot of TV, pout, and act useless while somebody else saves his butt (today is M.J.’s turn…again).

  203. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    I know this might seem heretical or something but….

    I don’t read Doonesbury often. Once upon a time, sure. But, I’ve looked over the past week or so and I am left with something that confuses me.

    Has he always not had expressions on the faces? Today’s strip, for example, should have a bit more to the facial expressions, a bit of acting, if you will. But, there isn’t any.

  204. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:42 pm [Reply]

    @Mars (#135): @Frank Lee Meidere (#201):

    That’s one of them pachyderms in the room when it comes to superhero stories nowadays, isn’t it? If they have secret identities AND people who try to figure out those secrets AND in the case of Peter Parker and Clark Kent the superhero works at a newspaper…

    it would be almost impossible to pull off the ruse. Heck, the ruse would take so much to accomplish, how would they do their superheroics or have a relationship?

  205. The Ridger
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#26): This is bullshit. I know people who have done Kilimanjaro. You don’t need to bring camping equipment, only clothes. The outfitter/guide you go with takes care of all the rest. You don’t think Les and Sum Moore will actually lower themselves to have their specialest summer ever handled by someone else? They’ll do it on their own, the right way, Moore way, thank you very much.

  206. tallyHO
    June 22nd, 2012 at 6:53 pm [Reply]

    @Dr. P and the Women (#195):
    see
    @ALPHA SUBPRIME (tomorrow#6): *

    he’s just funnin’ witcha.

    *tomorrow…pftt. tell me if that makes any sense at all to read.

  207. Vince M
    June 22nd, 2012 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#203): I remember R. Crumb drew a panel in a comic full of random non-sequitur panels, ca. 1972, with blank-faced Trudeau-looking characters spouting dialog at each other, labelled “The Doonesbury Syndrome”. Guess that’s what you’re seeing.

  208. Spode
    June 22nd, 2012 at 7:55 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#203):In the case of Leo, the odd facial expressions and anything else are explained by his TBI. I agree that Alex is hard to read in the last panel.

  209. Sgt. Stoned
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    MT: AHA! Today we discover that Mike Harris is a bad shot–which probably means that the Widow Chavez is herself the murderer of her husband, while Mike stood around chewing Nicorette gum (er, I mean “the kind of gum people chew who are trying to quit smoking”). But if that’s the case, why not take the gun out of Harris’s bumbling hands and do the job herself? Um, I guess that is what’s coming next.”

    MW: Wilbur, you job is in jeopardy…

  210. Ukulele Ike
    June 22nd, 2012 at 9:47 pm [Reply]

    9CL: I have never liked the cat. And I consider myself a Cat Person. I even like Siamese cats.

    Well, I DID like that one time that Lex Luthor traded bodies with a cat, and then pulled off his own head….

  211. Cloudbuster
    June 22nd, 2012 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#101): “To be fair, Parker was very ill at the time and thus Spidey was so easily defeated by Doctor Octopus that it was hard for the watchers to take him seriously.”

    You mean pretty much like every, single day in the ASM comic strip?

  212. Dina
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:04 pm [Reply]

    Spiderman Um – did anyone notice that MJ’s dress appears to be cut up to her navel? No wonder why it’s a popular show…

  213. Darryl Heine
    June 22nd, 2012 at 11:05 pm [Reply]

    @LUJBEM FEJF (#196): JEFF: Why not do Jumbles with appearances by:
    Garfield
    Bugs Bunny (and other Looney Tunes)
    Chuck E. Cheese
    Arthur (Marc Brown’s Aardvark of children’s book and PBS cartoon series fame)
    …in the future. You did Jumbles with Yogi Bear and some Peanuts characters.

  214. Robin T
    June 23rd, 2012 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    Your point about Spider-Man being unmasked made me think of this clip from Justice League, when Lex comes into possession of the Flash’s body:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPefOfu2TIU

  215. Lenoxus
    June 23rd, 2012 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#134):

    But as you point out, apes didn’t turn into people any more than horses turned into rhinos.

    Uh oh, someone is wrong on the internet! At least, in my opinion. Nomenclature is always a bit arbitrary, but most of the relevant biologists would in fact classify humans as apes; “ape” is a bit more like “ungulate” is in your horse example. (If chimpanzees are apes, then to exclude humans and other hominids seems arbitrary and/or vain, like housecats asserting that of course they aren’t some sort of “feline”.)

    Furthermore, “monkey” is a troublesome term as well. There are new-world and old-world monkeys, and if you got into a time machine and visited the common ancestor to both groups, you (and primatologists) would be inclined to call it a monkey as well. Apes are descended from old-world monkeys. Thus, you either have to say that the category “monkeys” just plain doesn’t include apes, or you less-arbitrarily say that all descendants of monkeys are themselves monkeys, now and forevermore, and thus that humans, being apes, are monkeys too.

    In this light, the question “If monkeys turned into humans, why are there still monkeys?” is as easy to answer “Why are there still mammals?” Even if all nonhuman life went extinct, there would still be: hominids, hominins, apes, monkeys, primates, placentals, eutherians, mammals, synapsids, amniotes, tetrapods, teleosts, chordates, animals, and eukaryotes. (Though probably not for long.) Each group in that list is entirely included in the next group, and since humans are hominids, we are also every other one of those things. (This is just a cladistic view, though, which is not a total consensus in taxonomy.)

    An erroneous implication of this Snuffy Smith, though accurately reflective of the way many people talk about it, is that “a monkey changed into a man.” Of course, individual organisms aren’t changing here at all; it’s a process of descent exactly like that of human genealogies. No one says “It took close to nine hundred years for William the Conquerer to transform into Elizabeth II.”

    I would also complain about the sexist use of “man”, but that’s integral to the joke — plus, I actually like how the joke (if unintentionally) functions as a riposte to that still-too-common sexism, by implying that since the speaker used the word “man”, he must have been talking about men only; next time he ought to speak more clearly, dammit.

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