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Jughead becomes Commissar of Food in the new People’s Republic of Riverdale

The Lockhorns, 8/14/12

One of the twisted, dysfunctional “games” played by George and Martha, the main characters in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, is talking about their non-existent son. They each tell stories about him, making things up as they go along to create a fuller picture of him; but, as in all improv, the rule is that each has to take the other’s story as canonical. This is a private game, though, and when Martha starts playing it in front of another couple specifically to annoy George, George retaliates by telling her their fake son died in a car crash.

This is a long way to point out that, like George and Martha, Leroy and Loretta don’t have any children either. So I suppose that whatever just happened in that big box store was some variation on George and Martha’s game — a little less creepy, perhaps, but a lot more expensive.

Curtis, 8/14/12

I’m actually really enjoying this “Curtis and Barry are trapped in an apartment with a dead lady and a bunch of cats” storyline, as it’s the strangest and more interesting thing to happen in the strip since Kwanzaa. Still, I question whether old people actually have more lightbulbs on hand than younger folks, and I also would have enjoyed seeing the Wilkins boys come up with an adult diaper-based escape plan.

Archie, 8/14/12

I’m really looking forward to violent class war breaking out in Riverdale! Which of the town’s proletarians will abandon class consciousness and side with their capitalist oppressors? Reggie? It’ll be Reggie, right?

355 responses to “Jughead becomes Commissar of Food in the new People’s Republic of Riverdale”

  1. Izzy
    August 14th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Archie proves that poor people leave a trail of poverty stench behind them.

  2. Dennis Jimenez
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    Archie – The world needs panhandling winos too, Archie….

    Curtis – No sah – dey be no stereotypes here, homes….

    Lockhorns – And today on Horders – the pencil sharpener lady…..

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  3. Rachel
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    I kind of hate to admit it publicly, but my 60-something parents are hoarding incandescent light bulbs.

  4. seismic-2
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Josh: I’m really looking forward to violent class war breaking out in Riverdale! Which of the town’s proletarians will abandon class consciousness and side with their capitalist oppressors? Reggie? It’ll be Reggie, right?

    You called it on Reggie!

  5. Clint Brawny
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    Know some old people who have a large quantity of incandescent light bulbs. They think (know? not sure) that they’re going to stop making them soon, and that there will only be compact fluorescent light bulbs available for sale.

  6. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Lio: witches hate it when that happens.

    SBp: WIN!!!!! (also fun for Poteet, and techgagsters everywhere.)

    JP: in QC, that form is termed “aerodynamically curvacious.”

    PMP: brought to you by ADAM, the American Divorce Association for Men.

    MG&G: /fail.

    RwO: the new version presses wild flowers.

    saved by my special Post-Jump Sense. wish it worked against bricks.

  7. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Josh re the Lockhorns: “a little less creepy, perhaps” Perhaps not.

    Luann: Th-this is what “sales genius” TJ comes up with? He’s been watching 60s drug PSAs, hasn’t he? And taking the drugs. Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and seven kids at home to support!

    Pibgorn: Seriously? McE agonized over “pettish”? I can picture the scene. He’s leafing through his Thesaurus, “Petulant, childish, petty, testy, irritable … no, no, no! People might actually understand that! Pettish? Yes! Nobody has used that since the Taft administration!”

    FW: I hate you, Mom! I can’t bear your presence! FW never fails to bring the awful.

    MT: “Why would they just grab my camera?” Wow, that’s a dumb question, even for Rusty.

  8. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . adult baby play.

    *squick*

  9. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    @Hei of the Zaraki Company (#y305):

    http://corgiaddict.com/

    best emergency cuteness site around. :-D

  10. Chareth Cutestory
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    Archie: Money isn’t everything, Archie. Its that look on someone’s face, in their eyes, when you’ve completely degraded and made them whore themselves out to you entirely–just because you have little pieces of paper that they want. That’s everything.

  11. pugfuggly
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    Curtis I have to say that I’m genuinely interested in seeing how an abundance of lightbulbs is going to get them out of the apartment. I’m also interested in why they can’t use a phone, or call out a window for help, but not enough to actually look back and see why.

    ASM For all the qualities I admire in Clown-9, his focus is not one of them. A real villain doesn’t get distracted by ‘bling’! Whatever happened to the crazed vengeance-seeking scoundrel we fell in love with?

    FW Oy, looks like someone got a spot on the Johnny Walker Lunch Committee…

    MT Using their combined brainpower, Cherry and Rusty slowly manage to come up with a possible motive for the theft of the camera by the very people its photos incriminate. Do they ever test the Lost Woods water supply for lead contamination?

  12. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    MW-So how much longer will you be in Italy and where exactly will you be going? Oh I’m just curious and am in now way whatsoever planning on having you killed so I can take over the column full time.

    A3G-And by “hiring all those people” I just mean that one guy who looks like every other background person in this comic so I can put him in different clothes and pass him off as someone new.

  13. CanuckDownSouth
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    Um, Reggie *IS* one of the Riverdale Rich Folks, so he wouldn’t be crossing lines to “side with the capitalists”. (Shown extensively in that preview at #4)

  14. seismic-2
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    NonSeq: NSFBG

    Pibgorn: Brooke wants us to know that it took him hours to come up with the right words for the strip when it was published years ago, and now it’s taken him hours just to come up with the right words to tell us what a wonderful job he did of it.

  15. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    FW – It’s the little touches, like having the husband follow her around with a video camera taping every mundane interaction she has, that really set this strip apart.

    I wonder how many thousands of hours of video are needed to ensure that, when the tragic death that is the fate of all souls in Westview finally comes, there is enough on camera to create a videotape for every possible occasion in their surviving family member’s lives.

    Becky! It’s time for a new video from your mother! God, we all miss her ever since she died of spontaneous human combustion! She was a saint, a saint! Here, i’ll press Play.

    “Hello Becky. I know what you must be feeling right now. Losing your other arm in a [dad's voice from behind the tv]freak tuba accident[/dad's voice] must have been quite a blow! And now you must be wondering how you will get on when your safety pin budget just doubled.”

  16. Mr. Ray
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    The Lockhorns: Are you sure Leroy and Loretta were shopping? Those look more like trick-or-treat bags.

    Archie: “Money isn’t everything, Archie. You also need a glowing, radioactive chair.”

  17. Binder's Butter Beans
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Wait. Wait wait wait. My paper doesn’t carry Curtis, so I’m out of the loop here. Curtis and Barry are TRAPPED in the apartment with the dead lady? They can’t open the door, or any of the windows, or use the lady’s old-fashioned-telephone-with-a-cord to call for help? I have to go catch up with this, man. BRB

  18. TheDiva
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    @Clint Brawny (#5): True dat. There are some folks (my mother-in-law is one) who think fluorescents are the tools of the eeeeeevil oppressive socialist state (and more expensive to boot), so I can see such a person stockpiling incandescents for when they go the way of lead-based paint. And now I’ve admitted that Curtis actually kind of makes sense, so I’ll go hang my head in shame.

  19. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    ASM – For the 100th time, Hardy Laurel is HOME! People (and I include those of the law enforcement variety) know where he lives. Peter Parker could go there now and kick his ass. He is an outlaw. How long am I suppose to suspend my already taxed disbelief? There are people everywhere screaming, “HE ‘S HOME, YOU IDIOTS!”

    BC – Old Hardy now shows up in antediluvian times. Am I missing something? Is this National Fish, Catch and Release Month?

    RMMD – Even in sketchily drawn background mode, Rex’s cheekbones are stunning.

    GT – Must be a Milford law. If you’re a smartass, you gotta grow a goatee.

    LuAnn – I’m seeing Tiffany on a bun, here, followed by much ridicule and abuse.

    FC – Hey God? Can you move those lightning bolts slightly to the left to the Keane residence. Thank you.

    Frazz – I’m reasonably bright. What am I missing here? Oh yeah, it’s that I’m not quite smart enough to understand the condescending creep and his band of 10 year old prodigies.

  20. Dave
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    @Clint Brawny (#5): They really *are* phasing out incandescent lightbulbs. Although, of course, old people are only hoarding them because they’re afraid that the new lightbulbs will be too elaborate and confusing.

  21. Di32
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    MW: My prediction… Wilbur dies, Mary forever takes over the column and becomes the surrogate mother of “Life is Brutal” girl.

  22. Binder's Butter Beans
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Okay. The dead lady doesn’t have an old-fashioned-telephone-with-a-cord, and they can leave the apartment but they’re as afraid to go out into this neighborhood as they are to stay with the dead body. Got it. But … their parents know where they are, right? Their parents are going to go looking for them? I know their dad is kind of an old grouch, but he is going to become worried about his sons, preferably before dawn. Right? Help me out here, fellow Mudges. I have become very emotionally invested in a comic strip I don’t actually read. The good news is, I laughed out loud at Barry’s suggestion that they could somehow save themselves with adult diapers.

  23. Johnny Knuckles
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    LH: Leroy is obviously replying to Loretta calling him a shopaholic. So what useless items might be in Leroy’s shopping bags?
    Apple System 7 users manuals?
    Discounted day-old sushi?
    Hello Kitty training bras?

  24. BeckoningChasm
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Archie seems oddly pleased in that last panel…so much so that he appears to be emitting an odor…

  25. Chyron HR
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    Curtis – Are they going to use the electricity stored in the lightbulbs to reanimate grandamama? Or just chuck them at passers-by until someone notices and rescues them?

  26. Esther Blodgett
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    DtM: Sowing seeds of discord in an elderly couple’s marriage. That’s…kind of menacing, isn’t it?

    FW: Remember when there used to be characters we liked in this strip? I know, it’s been a long time, but still. Tell me I didn’t imagine it all. Please.

    Pluggers: Don’t understand how pants work.

  27. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Pib – Wow. If you need to think for an hour to come up with a way to describe the petty cantrip your sorcerer has cast, maybe the English language really isn’t your thing?

    I know people that can spend weeks meticulously crafting a document, agonizing over every sentence. Those are the ones most likely to create something that noone can follow. A paragraph that flows naturally speaks much more loudly to one’s skill than the ability to look up an obscure word that actually interferes with the goal of communicating with precision and elegance.

  28. Droopy Says
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:34 am [Reply]

    Has Asi9 given any thought on how to turn his bling into cash? Will he crash into a pawnshop in his duckmobile, go as his mundane Hardly Har Har self, or create yet another identity as a henchman? Or will he reinvent bartering ? “Here, cash-register-operator, let me trade this cubic zirconium pendant for these pretzels and beer!” And can we please shoot the clueless moron who taught Lieber and Lee how to say “bling”?

  29. Mr. Ray
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    @Binder’s Butter Beans (#22):

    Their parents have no idea where they are. Curtis ran over the old cat lady with his skateboard, and she guilted him (and Barry) into carrying her groceries back to her apartment. It went on from there.

    Also, they had a cut-away in one strip where their mom was worried about them being late for dinner, but their dad wasn’t. Yet.

  30. Nekrotzar
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    If only I had a little more money, everything would be all right. Specifically, once I save 20 more bucks I’ll be able to hire that guy at the garage to kill Mr. Lodge and leave the body in the swimming pool.

  31. nescio
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    DtM: I like how Mr. Wilson doesn’t seem upset in the least that Dennis told his wife he thought the neighbor was pretty. Look at him smugly eyeing her, thinking “Are you going to deny it, you old bitch?”

    SlylockFox: Maybe the girl wouldn’t be sick if she wasn’t sleeping with a bear cub.

    Luann: I hope this is leading to three panels of Ann strangling T.J. in tomorrow’s strip, it’s the obvious next step.

    Momma: The kids are all thinking, “Time to put her in a nursing home.

  32. pastordan
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    I wanna be the Cookie Czar in the Riverdale Republic! I never met a cookie I didn’t like. Except those Samoas. They’re bourgeois counter-revolutionaries. We’ll let the re-education camps take care of them…

  33. TheDiva
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    9CL: Well, so far the choreography has been dysfunctional, uncomfortable to watch, and frustratingly stupid, so….success on Seth’s part, I guess.

    FW: It’s funny because Becky hates her mom. And because it’s not Skunkhead John talking about his (lack of) sex life; that’s always a bonus.

    Luann: Well, it can’t be any more toxic than what’s already in the hot dogs….

    MW: Mary sighed. Wilbur and Dawn had, improbably, survived the cruise “accident.” On the plus side, it had bought her a little extra time…enough to arrange that the Weston’s flight home never reached its destination. Then “Ask Wendy” would be all hers.

    Pibgorn: TL;DR: “I don’t suffer from pompous pedantry, I enjoy every second of it.”

    SM: Clown-9 isn’t very focused as a villain, is he? “I want revenge on the play! Screw the play, I want to be a cool supervillain and make lots of money! I want revenge on the play!”

  34. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    assorted chocolates. (squee)

    for bats :[. (and a response to today’s Frazz, as well.)

    memetic win. squared, with snacks.

    if you cross the Sunday MT and the typical RMMD, you get this.

    uno, dos, tres, cinco-cinco seis.

    Buddha Frog.

    corgipup. ^ . . >

  35. Josh
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    @Binder’s Butter Beans (#22): Their parents don’t know they’re there — they went to help the old lady with chores to make up for the fact that Curtis knocked her over while doing tricks on his skateboard.

    One of the things that definitely dates Curtis (in the sense that the artist is probably relying on memories of his own childhood rather than working off the lives of contemporary children) is how autonomous Curtis and Barry get to be, spending a lot of time on their own for kids who are supposed to be like 11 and 7 or thereabouts. It actually reminds me a lot of stories my dad tells about him and his brother growing up in NYC, where at that age they rode around town on the subway, went to baseball games, went to the movies, got banned from Macy’s for life for putting rubber vomit at the bottom of the escalator, etc.

    Josh

  36. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#35): So you’re saying Curtis is Spike Lee. Makes sense.

  37. Holly Folly
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Years later Curtis is going to be in therapy for this, and the worst bit is at some point the therapist is going to stop believing him. “Okay, so you say she was dead. Hmm. Wait, what? You did what with the light bulbs? I think I’m going to have to cancel our next session. And the one after that too. Yes? Basically, never contact me again.”

  38. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    MT: So Rusty can’t figure out why the thieves would take the camera with which he took their picture, and Cherry can’t figure out what to do—such as, for example, getting on the phone and calling the police. In the latter case, we see the power of the insular LoFo social system: It’s incomprehensible that one would look outside this closed system for help; it’s fully self-sufficient, even in its police and judicial functions. Mark is law enforcement, judge, jury, and punch-ecutioner, and Cherry cannot imagine looking to someone else for help in this matter.

    Oh, and in the former case? Well, Rusty’s just an idiot.

    BB: Have we ever, in the history of this strip, seen any element of Lt. Fuzz’s character that would indicate that he would drop his pants in public? And in fact, isn’t he portrayed as an uptight dweeb? I take it as a given that this strip won’t be funny, but there should at least be a little internal consistency in its unfunniness.

    A3G: “Sound great to me! I don’t have anyone working for me. Or do I? Wait, where do I work again?”

  39. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#35):

    What we don’t remember, because of survivor bias, is that 85% of kids in the 70s were killed while crossing the street without looking first, or by breaking their heads open while roughhousing on the monkey bars.

    The father’s “out after dark? Eh, they probably just lost track of time!” attitude is clearly a throwback to those days. I was talking to a mother last week who was in sheer terror because her kids were at the beach with their father and had left their cellphones behind. “WHATIFSOMETHINGHAPPENSOHMYGOD!!!!!”

  40. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#y320): Now i have an image of Mary in a Dr. Strangelove-esque battle with her own hand. So, you know, thank you for that.

    @Chaze (#19): re: Frazz: I think it’s supposed to play off of syllogistic logic, but it’s too complicated, and it’s not logical.

  41. Ed Dravecky
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Momma will be doing election coverage? Finally, a reason to long for the relative subtlety, wit, and journalistic excellence of Fox & Friends.

  42. Ed Dravecky
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    …or Morning Joe. It’s about the inanity, not the politics.

  43. Anonymous
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Curtis I know we kind of get all technical here sometimes. I know we tend to overthink- certainly I do. But I’m sorry, I just don’t get this. They are locked INSIDE the apartment? How in sweet holy fuck? What the shit? I know that cartoonists seemingly don’t get the fact that every kid over the age of ten now has a cell phone, that there is a phone in the apartment that no doubt works, that they could just open the window and yell for help or any number of things any normal person would do in such a situation, but the dumbassedest thing I have ever heard is the premise that these kids would not know how doors work. Even in the inner city where you sometimes have bars and posts, it all still opens from the inside.

    And the apartment has a fire escape. That’s the law. You have to be able to get out of the apartment without obstruction.

    I know, I know. Animals talk, eyes pop out of head, it’s a comic strip. But if you’re going to pull this crap why not just set the strip in an alternate universe where technology and mechanical locks don’t work the way they actually do? And maybe a steampunk theme too. That would be cool. Curtis in steampunk- A Very Dirigible Kwanza would be awesome: talking otter in a top hat and goggles. Done.

  44. Mibbitmaker
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @Binder’s Butter Beans (#22): Also, the old lady doesn’t have a telephone (if I remember correctly), using a reason that took technophobia to another level.

    Curtis: He’s going to use something he learned from the Letterman show: dropping stuff from a higher floor (the lightbulb version of that bit was like fireworks).

    Lockhorns: Loretta has a pre-kid version of empty nest syndrome. Be very worried, Leroy!

    Archie: The rich only really tell that to the poorer people, Archie.

  45. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#39): Exactly. It’s a huge mash of repressed memories for me, because I remember growing up as an only child, while the truth is that I had six siblings that all died due to tragic playground accidents, helmetless riding, lack of seatbelts, trick-or-treating alone, crossing the street, and tree climbing. It was like a war zone, and you’ve caused it all to come flooding back! Auggh!

  46. McManx
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey — Lt. Fuzz mooning the enemy? Here’s hoping they bust a cap in his ass…literally.

    Dennis the Menace — I’m not sure what is more menacing — Dennis ratting out Mr. Wilson to Mrs. Wilson for his lust of the much younger woman next door; or the look on Mrs. Wilson’s face. Either way, Mr. Wilson just crapped.

    Dick Tracy — In trying to resurrect all the old Tracy characters, I think the new artists got some Milton Caniff thrown in with this new villianess.

    Judge Parker — It’s nipple day.

    Luann — The teeny bikini weenie is the worst image this strip has produced since the Gunther book worm costume.

  47. Mibbitmaker
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#43): They aren’t locked inside. Barry refuses to stay with the corpse or go out for help by himself (he invoked milk cartons!) (apparently, leaving the dead lady for a short bit never entered their minds — or Billingsley’s), plus nobody could hear them from the city streets. But basically, Barry was being an infuriating, impossible pain in the ass.

  48. seismic-2
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    Curtis: I refuse to believe that old cat-lady doesn’t have a land-line telephone in her apartment. This is as dumb as the Nina-can’t-call-for-help story arc in A3G. Or maybe Curtis and Barry just don’t want to call for help. After all, those morgue pick-up guys play by their rules, not ours.

  49. Mibbitmaker
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    New PCK is up!

    First two of the “entertorials” (entertainment editorials, which the Kids are reading in a collection in their world) from 1982, touched up in the late 1990s.

  50. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#45): we’d remember more if it wasn’t for the helmetless bike accidents.

  51. Dartpaw86
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Loretta might be taking classes. Adults have schools too of course.
    (I wouldn’t be surprised, she’d do ANYTHING to get away from her husband)

    And in Archie it’s nice to see a millionaire humble with his money.

    -Once upon a time the Hilton family were humble and had morals. Conrad Hilton from what I was told didn’t care about money as much as making his guests happy and comfortable.
    -I heard Bill Gates donates tons of money to charity.
    -J.K Rowling is probably the richest woman in the world. But we never hear of it going to her head. She’s a nice person from what I hear.

  52. pastordan
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    I am a beaver. I build dams. That’s what I do. Sticks and branches, sticks and branches. I like my work. I’m good at it.

    Sometimes, I have to beat off that pinhead heron, but you don’t need to hear about that. I build dams. I build them, the humans blow them up, I start over. That’s all I do. Sticks and branches, sticks and branches. Sometimes, they replace the ugly little creature they call “Rusty” with a new model. It’s always uglier than the last one. I don’t understand that. It’s not my job to understand that. I build dams. That’s what I do. Sometimes, they leave the old “Rusty” in my dam, and his blood stains the water for the day. I don’t like it when he gets on my sticks and branches. It makes extra work. I feed his lifeless body to that pinhead heron. It keeps him away from my dam. I build dams. That’s what I do. There will always be another Rusty.

  53. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    Beetle: Now the enemy knows why he’s called Lieutenant “Fuzz.”

    FC: “Yes, Dolly, I’m sure God created the laws of physics just so you wouldn’t piss yourself every time it storms, you conceited bitch.”

  54. geekwhisperer
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    and 43 was me. Browser issues. Meh.

  55. seismic-2
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Archie: “Money can’t but you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.” – David Lee Roth

  56. Tangerine
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: Okay, I realize that Loretta is carrying shopping bags, and that Leroy is carrying them, too–but at first glance doesn’t it look like she’s leaving him for good? Carrying a suitcase, looking sadly over one shoulder while Leroy berates her? My first take on the strip is that he’d found a way to mock her for going back to school ($100 isn’t that unreasonable for all the things an adult student might need, is it?) because he can’t bear that she might be going on to something better, or the loss of the only real human contact he has, much as he despises her?

  57. WLP
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    It’s true. Money isn’t everything. There’s also power. If you can’t use your vast wealth to control your underlings and crush your enemies then what good is it? No, Archie, you’d probably just waste it all on trivial things.

  58. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#45):

    Flash forward to today, when a 13YO at the skate park with his bicycle, two miles from home, calls mom on the cellphone five minutes before it gets dark. “It’s getting dark! You have to come get me!”. Because it never occured to him that the sun might set.

    Of course, the kid who always had Mom’s Pickup Service on his cell-phone speed dial while growing up will have no recourse but sheer, gibbering panic the first time he misses a train and has to actually figure out how to get home by himself.

  59. Joshua
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Curtis: In the August 7 strip, the crazy cat lady specifically said, regarding air conditioning, “Oh, I don’t have any of those devil-thingys! My dear departed Ted and I lived sixty-two years without fans, phones, TV, or those newfangled mimeograph machines!”

    So, yes, it was ascertained before the woman died that she had no landline phone.

    Since Barry is both afraid to go outside alone in the neighborhood and to stay in the apartment alone with the dead body, the best solution would be for Curtis and Barry to go outside together to find help. The strip hasn’t ruled that out yet.

  60. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Curtis-We shall arrange the lightbulbs around the windows to form a message. Then we’ll pet all the cats really hard to generate enough static electricity to power the lightbulbs when we touch them. Listen Barry it’s either this or we open the windows and throw the lightbulbs at people.

  61. Ed Dravecky
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#43): In defense of Curtis, my grandmother’s house had deadbolts that required a key to open from either side of the door so it was possible, in theory, to get locked inside. Escape would have been simple (sliding glass patio door + bar stool = emergency exit) but both messy and permanent.

  62. Sex
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:24 am [Reply]

    @WLP (#57):

    Hey! Don’t forget me! Money and power are all just substutes for when I’m not available. Of course, if you have enough of either, you can always barter them for me.

  63. Santa Royale With Cheese
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    JP: Oh my, the strip is stuck in neutral. Will someone jump out and give it a push?

    S-M: Ditto.

  64. cartooncritic2544
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#13): Um, Reggie *IS* one of the Riverdale Rich Folks, so he wouldn’t be crossing lines to “side with the capitalists” Correct. While not as rich as the Lodge family, it was well established in Archie canon that Reggie’s family was one of the wealthier ones in Riverdale.

  65. Santa Royale With Cheese
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: The joke is that Loretta spent $100 on something neither of them needed, you know, like a hoarder? I’m not fully awake yet so I’m not coming up with an alternative to suggest that says “you spent money on something useless”, other than maybe screen doors for submarines.

  66. Droopy Says
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#40): Dr. Strangelove’s uncontrolled hand was prefigured in The Fly, where David Hedison’s transformed fly-hand took on a will of its own. Perhaps Mary Worth takes place in an alternate universe where the de Lambre’s transporter booth is a common yet imperfect means of transportation. That could explain why Charterstone has so many people with those tragic, sagging eyes, and why Mary runs into so many people who are saying, basically, “Help meeeee!”

  67. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    FC-That guy that flashed you on the street the other day wasn’t God.

    MT-”Oh god how I wished they hurt or kidnapped you then we wouldn’t be standing here having this conversation and I would never have to see you again,” Cherry dejectedly thinks to herself.

  68. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#58): There’s actually been some recent research indicating that college students are experiencing very high rates of depression and anxiety, and researchers are speculating that part of the problem is their lack of experience with failure and obstacles, and with having to manage and figure things out for themselves.

  69. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:35 am [Reply]

  70. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    Adult diapers, light bulbs, and electrical sockets … I’m sure MacGuyver could do something impressive with that, but Curtis and Barry? Their best hope is for someone to call in a 10-10 — possible shots fired — or a 10-22-Z — charred flesh and feces fight in progress.

  71. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#50): Those and the sledding accidents.

    When I was a kid, in Colorado, a friend of mine lived up in the mountains near a place called Pence Park(sp?) that was home to a huge sleddding hill (Note: “Huge sledding hill” in Colorado is on a completely different scale than, say, “Huge sledding hill in Indiana” think of something out of the most extreme Calvin & Hobbes you’ve ever read, then up the lethality by a factor of two or so).

    The sledding hill used to end in a big flat field at the bottom of the park. I guess it was supposed to be a sufficient slowdown area before you hit the highway, but naturally the kids just viewed that as a challenge!

    All the kids sledding out onto the mountain highway was viewed as a “bad thing” by the grown-ups. So they stepped right up, brought in some earth moving equipment and built a good solid six foot barrier at the end of the field, to keep the kids from sliding onto the highway. Also known as a “ramp.”

    Us kids just went higher up the hill to get more speed, because what was more awesome that catching some air over a six foot ramp? We heard kids had died doing it! How awesome is that?

    When I was 10, we weren’t big enough or brave enough yet to get enough velocity going to clear that ramp, so my friend and I talked an older teenager into taking us on his tractor tube. He was in the middle and my friend and I were on the each side of him, holding onto his arms. We went waaaaay up the mountainside, and man, were we cruising when we hit the flat. It was glorious!

    About this time, the teenager realize that with two 10-year-olds having death grips on each arm, he couldn’t hold onto the tube! I remember his panicked shouts “Let go! Let go!” as we neared the berm. No way was I letting go. Until we topped the berm.

    Straight out of Calvin & Hobbes, man! Me, the teenager, my friend, the tube, all flying in different directions it seemed. I landed flat on my back on hard ground. I thought I was dead! It was the most awesome thing ever!

  72. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#71): Postscript: The Pence Park sledding hill has been permanently shut down. No future generations shall know that heart-pounding glory.

  73. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#69): I’m pretty sure that’s the one thing they do know how to do.

  74. Illustrator Steve
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    MT – (Rusty bucket) “WHY would they just grab my camera?”
    (Cherry, gazing out kitchen window): “Oh my, LOOK at that DAMN beaver! He is building that DAMN DAM of his again and it will flood our DAMN yard again!”
    (Rusty bucket): “The camera, Chery. WHY did they take my camera?!”
    (Cherry): “Oh yes, the DAMN camera…they probably don’t want the DAMN pictures you took to be shown to the DAMN game warden!”
    (Rusty bucket): “But, but…if they didn’t want the DAMN pictures then WHY would they take my camera? …And WHAT makes you think I took the pictures to show to the DAMN game warden already? I haven’t left this DAMN place since I got back from taking those DAMN pictures up on the DAMN mountain!”
    (Cherry): “I’m confused. Mark should be back any month now and he will know WHAT to do! In the mean time, HOW about I whip up a nice big batch of PANCAKES for us all? WHAT do you say to THAT idea, Doc?”
    (Doc): “NO, he’s probably outside!”

  75. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#72): My first year in the boy scouts all the older scouts talked up how great winter camp was in between the sledding and sledding at night, but when we got to Camp Hidden Valley that year, we learned that some kid was sledding at night earlier that window and cracked up against an iron railing on a bridge, broke his back, ruptured his pancreas, and almost bled to death interally, so sledding was banned. Oh, how we hated that poor kid!

  76. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#75): “…earlier that window…” = “…earlier that winter…”

  77. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Cow – Lorax 2 would be a response to this, right?

    Curtis – I was going to suggest throwing cats out the window one by one, but Curtis’s idea is probably better.

  78. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#73): thank goodness for the internet!

  79. Ian Beste
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#71): You can’t be a young American male without trying at least one epically stupid stunt. For example–safety goggles, down jackets, BB guns, a couple of friends, and a big open field…

  80. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:46 am [Reply]

    Garfield – Sock puppets can think in thought balloons. There’s hope for Mark Trail!

    Hagar – It’s funny because that guy on the right is totally gonna go too far with that serving wench. What a cut-up.

    R=R – When did Rose turn into a guy?

  81. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    @Mr. Ray (#29): Curtis ran over the old cat lady with his skateboard, and she guilted him (and Barry) into carrying her groceries back to her apartment.
    From the supply remaining, it’s pretty clear that was a “throw-down” cat, which she tosses in front of a car, or a bike, or whatever, in order to manipulate someone into doing chores for her. She was evil and deserved her fate. I mean the really ironic one that we all see coming.

    @Ed Dravecky (#61): After Mom had deteriorated for a few years, she was likely to go off down the street, and Dad would have to go out and find her. He had the lock on the front door turned around so when he stepped outside, he could just throw the bolt. From inside it took a key.

    Before I forget, I’ll be away from the screen for most of the rest of the week. I’ll sneak in if I can, but we’re off to the Big City to see the terra-cotta warriors. I should be around most of today, though.

  82. jp
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    Ed Dravecky 61: Yah, I was just going to mention those deadbolt-with-interior-key thingies. A lot of people had them in neighborhoods I lived in in Philly. They really were the devil’s own gateway if you were trying to leave an apartment that wasn’t yours and the resident wasn’t immediately at hand (especially in the dark, during a walk of shame, not that I’d know anything about that), or even if you lived there and misplaced the key. So, Curtis is a dumb cartoon, but it’s entirely possible to be locked on the inside of an apartment with that kind of lock.

    And I just realized what a firetrap my old apartment in Philly was. Damn!

  83. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#72): Ha! There it is! The earthen barrier is still there (just west of the big curve where it says “Co Rd 120″)! It’s hard to get a good sense from the aerial, but at about the point where the trees start in earnest is where the slope starts getting steep. This is up in the Rockies, so it’s very steep. If you look into the trees south-southwest of the barrier, you’s see sort of a scar running northeast-southwest. At the far southwest of that scar is where you’d start to get enough speed to clear the barrier.

  84. Earth Pig
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    @Alfred E. Neuman (#y299):

    Now you’ve got me remembering Cerebus the Aardvark’s five-minute “marriage” to Astoria in #94. Time for the brain bleach….

  85. FOOBed again
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @Binder’s Butter Beans (#22): Also they tried yelling out the windows but nobody heard them over the traffic and street noises. Curtis was going to go out to get help but Barry cried and screamed that he didn’t want to be left alone with a dead body. Barry is too little to go out by himself in that neighborhood.

    What I don’t understand though is why couldn’t they both go home and tell their parents what happened so they could get help?

    The other day their parents were starting to worry where they were. Their dad said they probably just were playing somewhere and lost track of the time. The problem is their parents don’t know they’ve gone to help the old lady, so even when they start looking for them they won’t find them right away.

    I can’t wait to see what crazy thing Billingsley is going to have Curtis do with the light bulbs.

  86. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#68): Research be damned! How about the vast numbers I deal with each year who sincerely believe that showing up for class and turning in work of any calibre, whether on time or not, should not only earn them a passing grade, but a good passing grade??

    The fact is, I always feel conflicted by these students. Generally they’re so innocent, and so baffled by a bad grade for bad and late work that I want to give them the grades just to protect them from the trauma. On the plus side, at least I can still give out bad grades, providing I don’t give out too many (yes, there is an unspoken, but well-understood quota, which we’ve talked about — in hushed tones — in meetings). In Alberta a teacher was recently suspended for “negatively impacting student achievement” when he gave students zero for not handing in any work all year. The excuse was that because the student hadn’t handed in any work, it was obviously impossible for the teacher to evaluate the student’s abilities, and therefore the zero was unfair.

  87. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#79): Yes, this worries me. Because there are so many kids growing up today who’ve really never had the freedom to do the epically stupid things I dud. I’ve tried to let my kids have that freedom. The results have been mostly encouraging. Even my kids, though, are more sheltered than I was, in some ways.

  88. bats :[
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#33): re A3G: is that the real reason, Seth? I think it’s something much more disturbing…

  89. Dood
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Archie: Is Archie trying to stink it to the man?

  90. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#86): @Ian Beste (#79): Safety goggles? Pussy! *wink*

  91. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#90): I don’t know how I accidentally linked Frank to that one. Nevermind!

  92. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#86): These are the exact same types of students, I think. They’re baffled when confronted with their own inadequacies, and they don’t know how to cope with criticism and bad grades—so instead of figuring out a solution for themselves (say, work harder, put more time into it, etc.), they become frustrated and depressed. They expect things to be so easy and automatic (with good reason—many systems and families are set up to make it that way for them) that they’ve never developed the skills to cope with difficulty. And so they’re not resilient—and they react to difficulty with depression and anxiety.

    (And by the way, I like my students; they’re pleasant and smart, and they work hard. But I can certainly see signs of these traits in them.)

  93. FOOBed again
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#38):

    BB: Have we ever, in the history of this strip, seen any element of Lt. Fuzz’s character that would indicate that he would drop his pants in public? And in fact, isn’t he portrayed as an uptight dweeb? I take it as a given that this strip won’t be funny, but there should at least be a little internal consistency in its unfunniness.

    The only way it could make sense (though it still wouldn’t be at all funny) is if it was the onset of dementia. But since they probably won’t follow it up with any other incidents, that wouldn’t explain it either.

  94. Sequitur
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    Stupid Things Kids Do #245: Going outside to check on the hurricane as it passes over your house.

    Yeah, I did that when I was ten. I snuck out on the carport then went to the edge and held on to a pole. Then I stepped into the yard. At that point the tree next to me decided to split in half. Half the tree stayed upright while the other half crashed down next to me.

    All I remember is being back inside the house. I don’t remember the split second it took for me to get there. My parents were in a different part of the house. When my heart stopped rapidly pounding I nonchalantly walked over to them and said, “I think a tree fell over.”

    Twenty years later I told them what happened. Yeah, they freaked.

  95. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Archie: Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness never had any. It sure makes misery a whole lot easier to live with however. But if money can’t buy happiness, then I guess I’ll have to rent it!!

  96. TheSilentG
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    Did it ever occur to you that Loretta is secretly planning to go back to College, obtain that Health Administration diploma she sacrificed to wed your sorry ass, and escape this Stygian nightmare you call a marriage? Did it, Leroy? See, it’s this kind of insensitivity that is pushing her away in the first place.

  97. Josh
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:08 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#39): I was talking to a mother last week who was in sheer terror because her kids were at the beach with their father and had left their cellphones behind. “WHATIFSOMETHINGHAPPENSOHMYGOD!!!!!”

    True story: I was talking a few years ago to a friend of my wife’s family who works for recruitment and student services at Cornell, my alma mater. There have always been a disproportionate number of kids there from NYC and Long Island; however, this woman told me that there’s been a new wrinkle in getting those kids over the past decade, in that there’s a stretch of mountainous northeast PA that you drive through to get from New York to Ithaca where there’s no cell service, which makes a certain breed of NY-area parent very nervous. Obviously their precious children will die of exposure and/or be murdered by backwoods serial killers if their car breaks down there, as it inevitably will.

    (As I said, this was several years ago that I had this conversation, so hopefully the problem has been solved by the triumphant spread of wireless data coverage.)

  98. Bill Peschel
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    What concerns me most about the Lockhorns is that Loretta is drawn walking towards the reader! What if she gets out?

    Is Arlo and Janis really 20 years old? I’d wiki it but, you know, it’s Arlo and Janis.

    Beetle Bailey: Fuzz mooning the enemy made me laugh. I feel so dirty.

    9CW: Wait. Seth is allowed to choreograph a dance? What is this, dance school?

    FBFW: Yeah, we know she’s projecting, but the comic strip’s gotten a whole lot more interesting. Can’t wait for the throwing of small appliances.

    JP: Keep insulting Bea and you will deserve that hammer to the head. I’ll help.

  99. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#97): “murdered by backwoods serial killers”

    That’s a true fact, city people! We loves us some tender, barbecued city folk! Better stay away!

  100. BwaHaHa
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    So Leroy and Loretta have no children, Josh? Then tell us…where do Ziggys come from?

  101. Sequitur
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    BB: They have got to keep Lt. Fuzz from watching those nature shows on Monkey Fights.

  102. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#96): Silly stupid parents! Don’t they know that according to horror movies backwoods serial killers basically pick their targets based on who has the worst manners? Teach your kids their Pleases and Thank-Yous and to never let the gas tank get more than half-empty and they should be fine.

  103. FOOBed again
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    BB: Oh wait, that was Lt. Fuzz, not General Halftrack! Geez, maybe I’m the one with early-onset dementia.

    bb,u is right, there is no explanation.

  104. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#38): BB: Lt. Fuzz probably watched BraveHeart last night.

  105. Shrug
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#43):

    Wasn’t there a bit in REX MORGAN a couple of years ago which required us to believe (if we were foolish enough to devote any thought to the story) that some dweeb had been “locked in” to a hotel room and couldn’t just unlock the door from the inside and walk out? Maybe the hotel converted to condos in the intervening time, and Dead Lady just *happened* to rent that same defective room.

  106. Shrug
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#45):

    At least you had some variety in your sibling deaths. All fourteen of mine died of cramps by going into the water in less than an hour after eating. (Especially poignant: in one case it was fifty-nine and a half minutes. Little Arnold would be alive today if he’d noticed his watch was running slightly fast. But of course he could not, since he like the other thirteen were already blind from sitting too close to the television.)

  107. Horace Broon
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:21 am [Reply]

    A3G: Anyone taking bets on whether we’ll ever see any of this “full staff”, or if it’ll just be Evan?

    DT: In most strips the character saying “You say I killed your entire family? You couldn’t narrow it down a little, could you?” would be the villain

    MT: “With the money they make from selling that old bighorn to trophy hunters, you’d think they could buy their own camera!”

    MW: “Don’t worry about the column. I’ll continue to make myself the unquestioned ruler of Ask Wendy until it’s unthinkable you might get your job back! The important thing is that you’re powerless to stop me! Mwahahahahaha!”

    RMMD: What sort of a name is Elgin? It’s a town! (I had a whole bit about Elgin … marble … “chip of the block”, but it was just too Tom Batuik to use.)

  108. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    You don’t have to be a kid to resort to tossing things from on high to get attention. A few years ago, I was staying at a resort on Hilton Head, when I decided to enjoy my balcony, along with the view of the ocean and…ahem…the resort pool.

    clink…..the door back into my suite locked behind me. No cell phone. I tried yelling, but my room was up too many floors to be heard over the ocean.

    I was forced to fling the chair cushions into the pool to get someone’s attention. Even then a few people flipped me off, thinking I was a jerk. Eventually someone got the message and a hotel employee came to rescue me.

    Now, Curtis, just don’t kill someone by beaning them with a light bulb. You and Barry have had enough death for one day.

  109. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:25 am [Reply]

    Curtis: I’m still enamored by the fact that the title character, and not Derrick and “Onion”, has actually killed someone.

  110. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#97): So, Josh, jumping into the gorge is just a way to get better cell reception? By the way, good to see another upstate NY alum here. I’m a Colgate Red Raider, myself.

  111. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Archie: A trail of smoke wafts out towards Archie. Of course since Mr. Lodge’s pipe has been Photoshopped out of the picture, it looks like Archie is about to be grabbed by a ghostly tentacle.

    MT: Rusty wonders why they only took his camera. He was looking forward to a nice, long kidnapping.

    MW: Surprise, surprise, Mary is “willing” to keep the Ask Wendy column going. She asks when Wilbur and Dawn are coming home so that she’ll have a timeframe for planting a car bomb.

    9CL: Nice to see that Carol Burnett has about the same reaction as I do.

    JP: Sam asked this question like, three minutes ago. Are we sure Avery hasn’t been smoking massive amounts of The Product?

    BB: All that’s missing is for Peachfuzz to be moaning something like, “Give me all you’ve got, you sons of bitches.”

    H&L: Thirsty’s beer of choice is Pabst Blue Ribbon. My guess is that he’s secretly Frank Booth, but he doesn’t have the get-up-and-go that he used to.

    Phantom: Um, what is Ernesto doing to Victor on that laptop? Was there another post-match ritual we didn’t see before?

    Shoe: The Perfesser just flew in from Atlantic City, and boy are his jokes tired!

    Momma: She has to sleep sometime. The two men can hold her down while Mary Lou smothers her with a pillow.

    SFx: Is it normal for the patient to be smaller than the get well card? That’s not a difference, it’s just scary.

    H&J: The barber was in the CIA?

    A3G: How often does Margo start a new life, anyway? It seems like a weekly occurrence with her.

  112. FOOBed again
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    In Curtis, I don’t think it’s that they’re locked in, unless I missed something? I think Curtis offered to go out and get help, but Barry had a fit because he didn’t want to be left alone with a dead body. I think Barry was afraid to go out alone himself in that neighborhood. I still don’t know why they both can’t go out for help though.

  113. HAnzMFG
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    I feel like “lightbulbs” is such an arbitrary and random thing for old folks to have in excess in their homes, that you could replace just about any household commodity for the conversation to make sense. “Prune juice?” “No, peanut brain, silverware!” “Old photographs?” “No, peanut brain, laundry detergent!”

  114. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft — I would pay good money to see Ed hose the old lady down.

  115. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @FOOBed again (#85): Curtis is going to toss light bulbs out the window, and they will explode on contact with the sidewalk/street.

    @Cloudbuster (#99): We loves us some tender, barbecued city folk! Better stay away!
    Stay in the city, where them Needle Men’ll get ya and sell ya into White Slavery!

    @Honey Badger, Does not give a shit (#104): Lt. Fuzz probably watched BraveHeart last night.
    That would explain the blue paint.

    @Chaze (#108): When we were in Beijing, waiting for our bus, something started hitting the sidewalk. It was wrapped pieces of candy. I looked up, and a window about ten stories up closed. Somebody thought they were funny.

  116. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:34 am [Reply]

    @Chaze (#110): Out of curiosity, what mascot the are your Red Raiders? I ask because I went to Shippensburg University which also were the Red Raiders until the mid-90s when Indian chiefs were no longer acceptable mascots. The university has a contest for a new mascot and my suggestion that we keep calling ourselves the Red Raiders and replace the Indian chief with Marx, Lenin, and Mao was passed over in favor of a red ship.

  117. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled and all other teachers here. I think Abstruse Goose was written just for us today.

  118. gleeb
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    Reggie is a born lickspittle. But Dilton is the one to watch. Will he realize that he can have a safe berth by supporting the upper class, or will be stake everything on being a hero of the revolution?

    A&J: I object on two points. First, I wouldn’t be seeing old Gene, I’d be seeing a rather young Gene. Second, if you have a chosen and established medium in which you tell your tales, do it there. Don’t make me go wandering around like the makers of Donnie Darko, on a search for more context just because you don’t know how to properly employ your chosen medium.

    ‘shaft: Ignoring the effects of drought is just one small weapon in Ed’s war against humanity.

    ‘bean: Oh heck, more band crap. Can we go back to Comic-book John? Maybe his blue balls will inspire a major coup in granny-cheating. That’d be fun, huh?

    Love is: …having an infant although you are too young to lactate.

    Popeye: Am I supposed to know what the heck a grumper is?

  119. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#102): And to remain a virgin. Don’t forget that. It’s the single most important survival trait against mad serial killers.

  120. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Alley Oop: Interesting. So Alley, who has travelled through time on numerous occasions and experienced all manner of high-tech advancements, is completely baffled by a ball that bounces because it’s made of rubber.

  121. The Ridger
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#92): “Raise Your Children Well” (and its predecessor “The Price of Privilege”) addresses that issue, though the author, a psychologist, is more concerned with depression, drug-and-alchohol self medication, and suicide. Fascinating reading (and I don’t even have kids).

  122. debussy fields
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    MW–As bad as the story of the cruise ship was, at least it held my interest. Now we’re back to boring Mary. Absolutely nothing happens in today’s piece. I expected to see Wilbur treading water at some point, but that didn’t happen. To make up for it, the whole strip is now treading water, waiting for the next plot development to occur. Hurry up, Mary. It feels like I’m drowning.

  123. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    Josh – George and Martha do, in effect, have a son. It’s Dennis, the boy next door, whose apparent belief that he lives at their house has warped their lives so much they even shop for him when the school year rolls around. He has warped their lives so much, in fact, that they don disguises and attempt to pass themselves off as “Leroy and Loretta Lockhorn,” a transparently silly pair of nyms, and try to pretend that “Dennis” is a figment of their imagination.

  124. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

  125. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#92):

    You just described my stepson exactly. He was an only child for a long time, and had extended family that fought to make sure he never wanted anything that he didn’t get immediately.

    Now he is 14 and has zero coping skills. Tell him his trip to the skate park won’t take place because of a family emergency, and he reacts with anger and violence. His brain just doesn’t know how to process the notion of not getting what he wants. So he gets angrier and angrier, and has never made it past a four-year-old’s tactic of throwing a tantrum and breaking things, or, alternately, of curling up into a ball on the floor and whimpering.

    And in his mind, he has called the world’s bluff and won. He made it through the entire eighth grade without turning in a single assignment, and they still had a ceremony and gave him a diploma (a “Completion Ceremony”, no pretense that the students “graduated” from anything, just a recogniton that they attended for the required amount of time), then pushed him on into High School, where he will be someone else’s problem.

  126. Baka Gaijin
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#47): Barry was being an infuriating, impossible pain in the ass. A new facet to his personality. I may swoon from the novelty of the idea.

  127. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    9CL: When McEldowney does the commentary for this strip the way he has for Pibgorn, you just know he’s going to spend a paragraph pointing out how Seth’s fingers are gripping the edge of the final panel.

  128. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#125): My kids’ early years in school during the mid ’70s was at a very progressive public school in an extremely left-wing riding. Among many of the school’s cutting-edge educational concepts (which included “creative spelling”) was the idea that upon finding a teacher they really liked, students should then remain in that teacher’s class. Fortunately, my kids only went for a couple of years, but the daughter of our next-door-neighbour attended all the way through until high school. She found the teacher she liked, however, in grade five, and that’s the class she stayed in. So effectively, she went into high school with a grade five education.

    To nobody’s surprise but the educators’, she did poorly in high school, dropped out as soon as she could, and had her first child at 17.

  129. pastordan
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#127): I noticed that too. He broke the panel! So brave!!

  130. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#125): I used to teach 9th grade honors English and I’d say 1/3-1/3 of my students were “honors” by virtue of being able to follow basic directions. They had no concept of quality. They could not understand why turning in 5 pages of shit didn’t garner an automatic A, “But I turned it in on time!”; “But it’s 5 pages!”; and “But I used quotes!” being the most common refrains. Worse still were the parents who would use those exact same lines of defense when the inevitable meetings about how deeply I traumatized their precious little flowers occured — “You should have made it clear that content was as important as format,” one parent said. “Her life is ruin! RUINED!” said another.

  131. Marc
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Funky- Ahh yes the prom fiasco where you flipped shit and made a big public scene because a gay couple was going to the prom. Well no duh they kicked you off the prom committee.

    Mark Trail- Rusty’s critical thinking abilities are clearly undeveloped.

    A3G- Forcing Evan to wear a different outfit for every task he does, does not constitue having a lot of employees. It just means you have one, spineless, gender confused assistant.

    Mary Worth- Giorgio tried and failed to off them by sinking the ship. Mary will make sure the job is finished by taking care of their plane.

    Luann- I’ll bet TJ had way too much fun making that little hot dog person.

  132. pastordan
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    You all are not filling me with a great sense of confidence as I head into the classroom for the first time. You are, however, filling me right to the brim with snark, so there’s that.

  133. Perky Bird
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#94): I clearly remember walking two blocks down the street with my older cousin to the 7-11 for a Slurpee during Hurricane Allen in 1980. (7-11′s never close, in Texas!) My mom fashioned rain ponchos for us out of black trash bags. Thing is, earlier this week was an article in my hometown paper about the anniversary of that hurricane, and it appears to have been pretty bad-ass. So what I’m now wondering is, did this really happen, or have I imagined it all these years? Or did my mom really see nothing wrong with sending an 8-year-old and a 13-year-old out in a hurricane for a frozen treat?

  134. Ned Ryerson
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    In my experience there are plenty of highly dysfunctional people at all age levels. Somehow, despite the harsh, non-coddling conditions of the golden age of child rearing/public schools/post secondary education/military service/whatever (whenever that was…actual dates being hard to pin down), they seemed to have survived in great enough numbers to be easy enough to spot in your family, workplace, church, neighborhood, etc.

  135. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#116): When I graduated, the mascot was a vague Native American, much like Syracuse and the Saltine Warrior. Now Colgate is simply the Raiders, with a vague warrior mascot. And of course the Saltine Warrior has become the very much feared Otto the Orange.

  136. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#106): My condolences go out to you. In other news: Potluck and Pool Party at my place!

  137. Shrug
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#133):

    “Or did my mom really see nothing wrong with sending an 8-year-old and a 13-year-old out in a hurricane for a frozen treat?”

    More information needed: what flavor?

  138. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#135): Is the Saltine Warrior some sort of slur against my people (Crackers)?

  139. Snarkotix Addict
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    BB – Edgy

    FC – Dolly, shouldn’t you be standing under a tree?

    Luann – TJ worked on the prototype at home. All night.

    A3G – Evan struck as more of a “half-staff” kind of guy.

    BG&SS – Be grateful they don’t have gas.

    FW – Well, that should be okay – I doubt the band has any gay or Lesbian members.

  140. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#130): Boy are you on the money. Rather than move kids to remedial programs, they move average kids to honors programs. When you hold them to the expectations of an honors program, all hell breaks loose. To give them the A’s they expect, I would need to create the grade of A+++++ just to keep the bell curve intact.

  141. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#130): “Her life is ruin! RUINED!” said another.

    // Hopefully she did well in drama!

  142. Perky Bird
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#130): I was a teaching assistant during grad school, teaching Intro to Public Speaking at the college. One young man repeatedly did not follow the requirements for his speeches. So he earned a D, which meant he wouldn’t be able to play football (neverminding that he was basically a first-year bench warmer). Anyhow, his mother not only called me at my office but called me at home, too! The kicker was, she always ended the conversation with, “Well, I’m sure the Lord will help you do what’s right.” Since the dean ended up siding with my grading system, I guess the lesson was, the Lord doesn’t coddle crappy college football players!

  143. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#138): Noooooo….Syracuse was called The Salt City. The big town here is Salina. We use plenty of the stuff on our roads during the winter. Actually I think it was a place to buy and ship salt along the Erie Canal.

  144. Perky Bird
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#137): I always mixed the Coke flavor with the wild cherry flavor! Would it have been wrong to let me go if I had liked the horrid blue raspberry flavor, instead?

  145. Snarkotix Addict
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    #139 ugh, do-over:
    A3G – Evan struck me as more of a “half-staff” kind of guy.

  146. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#143): I choose to be offended despite your highly rational and historically plausible explanation! Class action suit incoming!

  147. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    Lt Fuzz better not pull that stunt if we ever take on the Greeks. Just sayin’

  148. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#146): Damn cracker.

  149. Marc
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:06 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#94): Not really a stupid thing we did, but tree related. When my brother and I were younger, I was probably 8 and he was 4 or something. Anyways, we were at my great grandparents, and they had this tire swing handing from a tree. Well the one day my brother was on the tire and I was pulling. Well the huge tree branch snapped and came crashing down. I got out of the way but the branch came crashing down right on top of my brother and the only thing that saved him from being crushed was a bend in the branch that just so happened to be the part that came down over him. The arc was maybe 2 feet wide and a foot high. He walked away without a scratch.

  150. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:07 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#142): Arrgh! Sports! When I did my student teaching, I was braced and cornered — in the restroom, at the urinal, with my dick out — by the wrestling coach (who was also a teacher)(social studies) who just wanted to kindly inform me what a damn shame it would be for a student teacher to ruin some poor, put-upon senior’s entire season over something silly like not turning in a single assignment because, “You know, this is a pretty rough school.”

  151. Baka Gaijin
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:11 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#133): Are your parents’ names “Bil” and “Thelma?” As you pass, do you hear strangers whisper “Melonhead” behind your back?

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#150): A wang shriveling encounter, yes?

  152. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#151): Let’s just say that by the time he left the bathroom, I had an innie.

  153. Tom the Sailor Man
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#130): “You should have made it clear that content was as important as format,” one parent said.

    You taught Jack Elrod?

  154. kkarenb
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Today is Gary Larson’s birthday!
    Blah blah blah Ginger blah blah blah…

  155. JD
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Having lit the old geezer on fire, Archie calmly walks away, confident his grotesque act will be the catalyst to begin class warfare.

  156. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    Crankshaft-Hey, lady, if I spray you with this hose will you melt?

  157. Shrug
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#y336):

    “George Washington said “Government, like fire, is a dangerous servant and a terrible master.”

    Ah, but did he? The quote does appear all over the net, but nobody ever seems to give a checkable citation. It does not appear at all in the half-dozen print quotation dictionaries I checked (including my favorite, THE YALE BOOK OF QUOTATIONS, on which I did some work)

    A Hathi Trust search for phrase “dangerous servant and a terrible master” gives no full view hits (meaning generally no pre-1923 hits, given copyright rules). If I don’t insist on full view I get seven hits, four of them to Heinlein’s THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS (who does not ascribe it to Washington, since that word does not appear in MISTRESS, per a secondary search); of the other three (which by definition I can’t look at for context) the earliest reference appears to be somewhere between 1957 and 1959 in the PROCEEDINGS OF THE ANNUAL ENCAMPMENT of the Veterans of Foreign Wars of the U.S. California.

    I also tried “dangerous servant and terrible master” (dropping the “a”) but got no hits in that form, full view or otherwise.

    A search for “dangerous servant” AND “terrible master” (e.g., both shorter phrases in the same volume, not necessary nearby) produces eleven hits, none of the four new ones any earlier than 1960.

    As best I can tell without spending more time on this that could better be used in contemplating the wonders of plotting in MARK TRAIL and nipples in JUDGE PARKER, the phrase may have first appeared (probably ascribed to Washington) circa 1957 in that California VFW newsletter; it apparently subsequently appeared in a 1960 appendix to the JOURNAL of the California Senate (probably a senator quoting the VFW version); in a 1960 book THE GREAT QUOTATIONS, by George Seldes; and in a 1962 book, THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION BOOK by Kent Courtney. Likely the quote reached the largest number of people by inclusion in Heinlein’s 1966 book version of THE MOON IS A HARSH MISTRESS (probably in the slightly preceding 1965-66 serialization in IF magazine also), though Heinlein apparently did not ascribe it there to George Washington.

    Please note that none of the above should be construed as political commentary on the quote itself or its implications; I’m just interested in trying to source its first appearance and seeing if in fact it is derived from something citable in GW’s papers (even if not in the form given).

    I’m a reference librarian; this is what I do for fun.

    Well, that and indexing old magazines for The Fictionmags Index.
    http://www.philsp.com/homeville/FMI/0start.htm

    Well, both of those things, and snarking here. And drinking cheap wine and reading sf and mysteries and comics. And listening to old time radio.

    And fear and surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to Melville Dewey and nice read uniforms and . . .

    I’ll come in again.

  158. Remmy
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    Having read so much about spoiled people in the above remarks, has it ever occurred to anyone to simply NOT have children so this coddling crap can be kept to a minimum? I have no kids and I KNOW my life is less stressful because of that.

  159. Shrug
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#157):

    “and nice read uniforms and . . ”

    . . .and misspelling, and failing to use Preview. See, I have *many* hobbies.

  160. Baka Gaijin
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#152): Science has proven that’s the same involuntary biological action for any man sees Mary Worth cold and naked.

    @Shrug (#157): Um, obsess much? Just joking. The unexpected digressions here are often entertaining.

  161. Chyron HR
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#154): Today is Gary Larson’s birthday!

    Never heard of him. Did he have anything to say about what worthless little shits kids are these days?

  162. Écureuil Écumant
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#7): Pettish? I think he was reaching for “prickish” and fell short.

  163. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#160): How did you know it was Mary Worth who braced and then did — other stuff — to me! I thought for sure changing the pronouns would protect my secret. You dawn well know the last person who crossed her fled to Italy, and even that wasn’t far enough! Crazy bitch sank an ocean liner just to get one fat guy!

  164. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Has anyone considered that Mary Worth may just be holding an eyeglasses case in her hand is really just carrying on an imaginary conversation?

    I know Narration Box is a higher authority in this comic strip so I should believe that the telephone conversation is happening. But, I dunno. Bob Newhart does one-sided phone conversations well and his are funny.

    Mary make exposition boring.

  165. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#45): @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#39): Exactly. It’s a huge mash of repressed memories for me, because I remember growing up as an only child, while the truth is that I had six siblings that all died due to tragic playground accidents, helmetless riding, lack of seatbelts, trick-or-treating alone, crossing the street, and tree climbing. It was like a war zone, and you’ve caused it all to come flooding back! Auggh!

    Didn’t one of your siblings shoot his eye out with a bb gun, even tho he had been specifically warned about that? And the wound became septic and then…

    // Oh. Sorry, perhaps I shouldn’t have brought that up. Hang on, I have a roll of paper towels here…

  166. Mars
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    Believe it or not there is actually a “class war” storyline going on in Archie as we speak.

    http://www.comics.org/issue/974136/cover/4/

  167. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#157): I like the cut of your jib, sir!

    // I’ll bet you can find that on Brainy Quotes. If not, I can fix it. I love the truth so much I’ll lie for it.

    // Did I ever tell you about the island whose inhabitants make a precarious living by taking in each other’s laundry? I did? Nevermind.

  168. Ian Beste
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#99): You folks keep those stories alive to keep city folk from moving to your quaint little towns and running up housing prices and generally gentrifying the hell out of the place, right?

  169. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:52 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#117): I am curious what our resident Gradgrinds and Squeers have to say about Abstruse G. today.

  170. Ian Beste
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#157): I must recommend Boller and George’s They Never Said It, published by Oxford University Press in 1989. A nice collection of fake quotes with some source research. Includes lots of quotes supposedly uttered by Jefferson, Washington, Lincoln and Lenin.

  171. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#157): Argh. I should know better than to trust the interwebs for quotations!

  172. Cloudbuster
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#168): As Thomas Jefferson once said, “A city man’s fear of cannibalism is the strength and security of rural communities.”

  173. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#172): And to quote Andrew Jackson, “He got a real pretty mouth ain’t he?”

  174. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    Pigporn: “I bleed over sentences…” I feel your suffering, Artist!

    // Well yes, what can you say? He needs a cranial liposuction, stat.

    // Nevertheless, I believe him. This is who he thinks he is. And it does confirm my point: We will never catch McE in a gross mistake like misspelling a word, or using one word when he means another. He looks ‘em up. Every time. If he uses an unusual, odd-looking, or obsolete word, you can take it to the bank it means what he thinks it means.

    // Irony vs. sarcasm? Yes, he got that wrong, but those two have been misused for so long the distinction hardly exists anymore. Moreover, technically, he didn’t use the word, one of his characters did.

    // Descriptivist, yes. And briefs.

  175. Baka Gaijin
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#170): Well that’s just sad. They have non-quotes for George Jefferson but none for Weezie. Just sad.

  176. word-doctor
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    FC: “When you see the lightning, quick cover your ears so you don’t get scared by the thunder!” From a previous FC strip (probably early 70s and was in a book). From memory, and now you know why I can’t do algebra–there’s no room up there.

  177. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:04 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#170): I will definitely check that out. I have several editions of the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations; I didn’t know Oxford published a book of quasi-quotations.

  178. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

    Hulk find Mary exposition lugubrious.
    Hulk want action.

    Not from Mary. She antithetical to action.
    Unless her boyfriend is into Mary action.
    Hulk no want to see that.

    Will someone smash that comic strip?
    Hulk has salesman at door. Need to scare away.

  179. tb4000
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: According to a strip last week before she died, the old lady said all those newfangled things like tv, internet, phones, and such were tools of the devil, so a phone they don’t have. And I don’t think Curtis has a cell phone technically, and they tried to yell for help but the city noise was drowning them out, and I didn’t see a fire escape. So as convoluted as Billingsley made it, he did cover all the bases.

  180. Ed Dravecky
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:09 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#106): I’m starting to suspect that we’re the kids that did not survive our adventure-filled childhoods. That we feel compelled to read Funky Winkerbean each day is clear proof we’re in Hell.

  181. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#180): Hey, I think I saw that episode of Twilight Zone, you know, the one with the actor? Who got famous? You know, with the face?

  182. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#111): Re: Phantom: Frottage?

  183. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#159): “and nice read uniforms and . . ”
    What’s black and white, and…

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#163): You dawn well know the last person who crossed her fled to Italy, and even that wasn’t far enough!
    There’s a revealing typo! (Mmmmm… Dawn Wells…)

    @tb4000 (#179): The only base not covered is that Curtis started walking out the front door when Barry whined him back in, whereupon they went through all the possibilities except for both kids leaving together. Sloppy idiot plotting.

  184. commodorejohn
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    Agnes – Beautifully sick.

    A3G – It’s Featureless White Shirt Day in Apartment 3-G! Margo is bending the rules by adding a featureless blue jacket, but then, she is Margo.

    Crankshaft – Just turn the fucking hose on her already.

    Curtis – “Wasn’t that Dr. Frankenstein’s quote before he threw the switch?” No it wasn’t, you clod.

    GT – Meanwhile, the rich and powerful are not tuned in to the true Spirit of Golf! (This places Gil Thorp in diametric opposition to the works of Woody Wilson.)

    Jumble – Is that Ed Wood? Oh, FEJF, you fine fellow.

    Luann – This has to be illegal in one of our fifty states, right? Right? Please, at least in Alabama? I’m pretty sure a newspaper probably prints Luann there? Greg Evans needs to go to jail, and I don’t particularly care how he gets there.

    Mandrake – ANY DAY NOW, MANDRAKE.

    Peanuts – Did Pastis go back in time and guest-write this?

    RMMD – “Elgin?

    SM – “Hey, maybe I didn’t actually come close to accomplishing my goals, but next time for sure!” Maybe Clod-9 is an appropriate foe for Spider-Schmuck, after all.

  185. Peanut Gallery
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    Curtis – “I’ve got it, Barry! What’s one thing old folks always have a lot of? Light bulbs! And what happens when there’s a light bulb over your head? You get an idea! Now bring me all the light bulbs and put ‘em over my head, and I’ll get a hundred brilliant ideas to get us out of here! It can’t fail!”

  186. Baka Gaijin
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:36 pm [Reply]

    Curtis’ Escape Gambit: Get 100 150W GE Frosted light bulbs, tie together with elastic garters in a 10×10 grid, float away to safety. Optional: Volleyball named “Wilson.”

  187. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#186): Too bad they’re trying to escape a tenement, not a desert island.

  188. Baka Gaijin
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#187): We know that but do they?

  189. BERTMARCH
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    The Lockhorns: They may be one of the most grim, hateful married couples in the various fiction mediums but they still come off as more loving and pleasant than Ray and Deb Barone from Everybody Love Raymond

  190. Ian Beste
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#181): Oh yeah, that guy! He was great in, y’know, that movie about the thing with the girl and all that…just saw it on that movie channel last night…the one with all the black and white movies…boy they don’t make movies like that anymore…

  191. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#188): Ah, Billingsley is employing dramatic irony! Well, I can’t wait for them to “set sail” out the window!

  192. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#190): Wait, are you talking about the movie with all those actors, or the one with the sets, because I think we’re talking ‘cross purposes here…

  193. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#191):

    I haven’t been following “Curtis” but are we guessing they have a use for the light bulbs, right?

    My first thought was they were going to take the lamp and stick her finger in the socket. (the Frankenstein remark).

    The only thing left is that they are setting up the most elaborate:

    How Many Lightbulbs Does it Take to Screw up a Dead Body joke.

  194. Dennis Jimenez
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#170): Honesty is the best policy – but I mean it’s just a policy – it’s not a law or statute or anything.
    Andrew Johnson, 17th President of the USA

  195. Peanut Gallery
    August 14th, 2012 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#55), @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#95): “Money can’t buy happiness, but it can prevent unhappiness.” (Heard it from Michael Feldman on Whad’Ya Know, don’t know if he invented it.)

  196. Inkwell [formerly Slug]
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    Archie should listen to Mr. Lodge– he has amassed quite a fortune, yes, but that’s only a side effect of his adventurous, risk-taking, treasure-hunting life style. It wasn’t the money, it was the adventure that made him who he is, along with his 3 identical nephews…

    I’m thinking of someone else. Carry on, Archie.

  197. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#174):

    “Irony vs. sarcasm? Yes, he got that wrong, but those two have been misused for so long the distinction hardly exists anymore. Moreover, technically, he didn’t use the word, one of his characters did.”

    Ah, technically correct, the best kind of correct!

    That occurred to me as a plausible out for him. The two characters holding the discussion clearly are not Pure Art. They are plebes – the boyfriend of the Magic Gay Roommate and some stagehand with bad posture who seems to have never been backstage at a show before.

    This is backed up by the fact that the Gay Boyfriend doesn’t even realize he is being talked down to (I’d imagine this is a prerequisite for anyone contemplating a relationship with Seth), and that dumpy stagehand is also clearly not an etherial spirit of Pure Art.

  198. Oscar and Hardy
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#11):
    I think Dead Lady said (before she died, haha) that she never had a phone, as she didn’t need one because she and her late hubby were crazed sexaholics.
    So what is Curtis going to do – toss the bulbs out the window? I know they make a horrific *POP* when they shatter.

  199. Oscar and Hardy
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:10 pm [Reply]

    … said the two wise old fishes!

  200. Dennis Jimenez
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell [formerly Slug] (#196): But he’s always been voiced by Jim Backus – right?

  201. Patrick
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    The Marvin story arc was really disappointing. It basically boils down to kidnapping himself and showing himself how bad his future life will be. Was he trying to scare himself into making better decisions, or is he a sadomasochist who just loves inflicting torture on his past selves? I imagine on weekends, he goes back in time and takes his childhood selves to the exact moment in time when Bitsy dies just to watch them cry.

  202. Peanut Gallery
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#117), @Nehemiah Scudder (#169): I, for one, was surprised to learn that all the teachers here are disembodied floating heads.

  203. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @Peanuts Gallery (#202):

    Waaaa waaaa, waaaa waaaa waaaaa, waaaa waaaa, waaaa.

    Yes, Mrs. Othmar!

  204. This Guy
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    This Guy Explains the Comics (Or Tries and Fails)

    Curtis: The thing I first thought of was breaking the bulbs and using the wires from inside to pick the lock MacGyver-style. The Mythbusters did it, although it took them a lot longer than it took MacGyver.

    Frazz: An attempted summary of the weird kid’s thought process:

    1) Dragonflies eat mosquitoes.
    2) Therefore, dragonflies are our friends.
    3) Emily is my friend.
    4) Therefore, Emily eats mosquitoes.

    For some fucking reason, the kid believes that (p -> q) -> (q -> p). He is making the logical fallacy of “affirming the consequent” in an entirely insane way that no person anywhere would ever make by failing to realize a distinction between saying that a family of insects are “our friends” because of their coincidentally beneficial behavior and saying that another human being is one’s friend and by failing to realize that eating mosquitoes is not a sole or necessary criterion for friendship.

    Shoe: The Perfesser committed wanton murder and destruction at a casino in order to shove his beak into a steam tray of Cajun shrimp.

  205. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    Archie-”Money isn’t everything, Archie. By which I mean I am not giving you money so you can take my daughter out on a date. I don’t want your kind near my daughter.”

  206. Peanut Gallery
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#200): Oh, Magoo! You’ve done it again!

  207. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Lockhorns-Sadly Leroy doesn’t know about Loretta’s other secret family that she loves more than Leroy.

  208. Poteet
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:33 pm [Reply]

  209. Borborygmy
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:34 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#204): That stuff always confused me. So, what you are saying is, Socrates is immortal?

    // I shall have to think about this, and that always makes my head hurt.

    // More oxycontin, mule!

  210. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:35 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#180): Funky W reminds me so much of Twilight Zone, you know, because supposedly brilliant Rod Serling could also be a moralizing little prick. FW = Nightmare on Maple Street, because we earthlings are destructive, paranoid idiots.

  211. Peanut Gallery
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    @Borborygmy (#209): Of course, the correct conclusion is that Socrates is immortal. It’s from all those dragonflies he eats.

  212. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Oscar and Hardy (#199): Any idea of the fish’s name in today’s BC?

  213. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    To pastordan, in encouragement:

    On Teaching Electronics in the Navy

    In my my mind
    I was Gradgrind,
    And yet I fear,
    I was only a Squeer.

  214. Inkwell [formerly Slug]
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#200): I was thinking Alan Young, actually.

  215. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#184): This has to be illegal in one of our fifty states, right?
    You don’t want to see where TJ has his original prototype. (That’s what she said.)

    @tallyHO (#193): I haven’t been following “Curtis” but are we guessing they have a use for the light bulbs, right?
    Not guessing. He’s going to throw them out the window. Pop, pop, pop, simple as that.

    @Inkwell [formerly Slug] (#196): Huey, Dewey and Louie call him “Unca Scrooge,” but he’s Donald’s uncle, and Donald is their uncle. That makes him… let’s see… hmmm… …an Unca.

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#213): My, my.

  216. Joshua
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    Curtis said he tried knocking on the neighbor’s door for help (but got no answer). Thus, he and Barry are not locked in the apartment.

    What Curtis’s plan to do with the lightbulbs is, I have no idea, but presumably it’s something implausible that will be revealed in tomorrow’s strip. Nor do I know why Curtis assumes that old people always have a lot of lightbulbs, but I doubt that will ever be explained.

  217. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#117): Ha—very good. (I admit, though, that even after 23 years of teaching, I’ve held on to enough idealism to believe that I’m doing them more good than harm!)

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#125): In the school system where my niece and nephew attend school, they have a “mastery” grading system, which means that students can retake a test or redo a project as many times as they need to in order to pass. Many of the students, of course, just game this system, taking tests repeatedly until some of the information starts to look familiar. And the poor teachers have to keep writing tests for them as long as they keep taking them. (This is high school, by the way.)

    @pastordan (#132): No, no—don’t despair! I genuinely like my students and like working with them. I think that most of them are actually eager, at some level, to become independent, functioning adults. And because they generally get along well with their parents, they tend to be polite and respectful. (At least, the students at my university do.) And what’s most interesting is that, for the most part, they don’t resent my high expectations.

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#191): When I first read your comment quickly, I saw it as “Billingsley is unemploying dramatic irony”—which probably works, too.

  218. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @This Guy (#204): Attempting to apply real logic to the Village of the Damned world of Frazz and the weird kid (face it, they’re ALL weird)…..zzzbt…whirrrrr…..chugga chugga chugga…..sorry, does not compute.

  219. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:47 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#173): Just like George Washington said: “Don’t you hate it when you’re texting someone and they text you first?”

  220. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    Curtis-Curtis’ plan involves breaking the bulbs and then screwing them back into the sockets. Curtis will then turn on the lights starting a fire. The fire department will come along and get them out.

  221. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#217): Babe, in all the years I taught, I enjoyed the kids way more than their parents or the school administrators (you know….adults.). Even kids who were pains abouts grades etc, were simply feeling the pressure exerted by their parents.

    I was lucky to teach two classes of 7th grade English and two 8th grade. Our 7th graders were given a choice of staying in our team or going to a team of all 8th graders. Most of them stayed, so I had many of these kids for two years and it was wonderful. So, sorry if I made it seem like a rotten experience.

  222. Inkwell [formerly Slug]
    August 14th, 2012 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#215): What do you call your unca’s uncle, then?

  223. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#217): Many of the students, of course, just game this system, taking tests repeatedly until some of the information starts to look familiar.

    Well, isn’t that learning?

    It reminds me a little of the “teaching to the test” controversy that’s got folks riled up around here. Yes, I understand that is not a real education. But learning how to take a test successfully is an important life-skill.

    // Did I just use the cant phrase “life-skill”? Minced oath!

  224. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:04 pm [Reply]

    @Inexplicable Bear Tongue (#219): I believe he said that in response to John Adams asking him, “What’s the deal with airline peanuts?”

  225. Poteet
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    Ames is a nice little university town in Iowa. I don’t live in Ames, but sometimes I read the Ames paper online. So it turns out that the AMES TRIBUNE readers who responded to a recent comics poll caused the paper to decide to retain DENNIS THE MENACE, LUANN, and GARFIELD, and to add BLONDIE and BABY BLUES, while dumping CUL DE SAC and SHERMAN’S LAGOON. There is no God, is what I’m saying. At least PEARLS BEFORE SWINE was also added. Now I’m wondering whether TRIB readers are really ready for that edgy BLONDIE humor.

  226. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#223): A few years ago, I wrote computer based training for our company. Every few screens you have to ask a question. If they answer incorrectly, you need to offer more training or route them back to the screen with the answer. Me? I wrote snarky, sarcastic remarks for all the wrong answers. I soon heard that all the trainees were having a great time answering incorrectly so they could read the funny stuff. The upshot was that they learned the skills and when they took the tests for real, they passed.

  227. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#224):

    Anagrams for: Unwitting Hummingbird
    Input too long (20 letters).

    The permitted input length (maximum 35 letters) varies depending on the server load. Currently it’s limited to 17 letters.

    Please try again later or try a shorter input.

    Foiled again!

  228. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#215): Rats. It would have been a perfect aphorism, too. Paris in the the freakning spring, forsooth.

  229. Dale
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    Mark Trail

    Where is Doc? His grandson (adopted, if that matters) was robbed in his barnyard. He should at least stay in the room and pretend to care.

    Doc might even have an idea as to whether they should call Mark or just wait for him to get home.
    Better than that, as a grown MAN he has the legal and social standing to approach a law enforcement type by himself.

  230. Poteet
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    CURTIS — I’m worried about what will happen to the cats. But they aren’t real cats, right? Right. They aren’t real cats. They’re just ink on paper. But I’m still worried about what will happen to the cats.

  231. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#215):
    Not guessing. He’s going to throw them out the window. Pop, pop, pop, simple as that.
    Not guessing. He’s going to throw them out the window. Pop, pop, pop, simple as that.

    And to my eyes, it looks like the kid has a zipper on his backwards cap.

    The could be staging a Pink Floyd tribute as far as I know.

    //I’ve only seen the ones Josh has spotlighted. That may be 2 of the current storyline.

  232. Shrug
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell [formerly Slug] (#222):

    “What do you call your unca’s uncle, then?”

    Chingachgook’s brother?

  233. Shrug
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#211):

    That’s what this Cretan I know claimed, but all Cretans are liars. (I know, he told me so himself.)

  234. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#231):

    acknowledging a mistake in the cut and paste. it was an accident.
    And, I’m busy, so I just rapped it off without proofing what I wrote.

  235. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#232): ‘Bout time we had a good James Fenimore Cooper reference around here!

    // I’d have to pull out my new (from eBay) Micronta No. 505 six inch Mannheim, with 11 scales, and a sweet, almost mint leather carrying case, to figure out how long it has been.

    // Sadly, not one of the “Made in Occupied Japan” ones. Those are… well, if you have one, do get in touch.

  236. Baka Gaijin
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#230): Don’t worry about the kitties. Between fat old lady and two boys, they’ll be eating for months.

  237. Calico
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#172):
    Now that’s straight out of Hootin’ Holler!

  238. Ian Beste
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#224): To quote Alexander Hamilton, “Why doth one drive on parkway and yet park in a driveway? ‘Tis madness! You are most kind! Do not fail to leave a gratuity for the serving-wench.”

  239. Chaze126
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#230): Maybe Gunk will come to the rescue. He has an affinity for cats after the Derrick and Onion disappearance. By the way, Barry, there goes your milk carton excuse. Derrick and Onion disappeared and no one even noticed. Mean streets, man.

  240. Dennis Jimenez
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#235): Mohicans Galore – right?

  241. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 4:46 pm [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#240): The new casino? You…. (wait for it!) BET!

  242. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#223): It can be learning, I agree—but it can also be getting a vague familiarity with test questions, which is a somewhat different thing. “Doing well at a test” doesn’t necessarily equate to “truly learning a subject”; it could mean that you’ve learned how to take that test (which can easily take me into an anti-standardized testing rant). The other problem is that the school district doesn’t want to fail anyone, so there’s no real motivation, for some students, to ever “master” the tested material.

    The other problem with the system, I think, is that in “real life,” one doesn’t get unlimited chances to screw up and then try again. At a job, they will train a person, but after a certain point, she’s expected to know how to do the job; she doesn’t get to stick around and keep trying and failing.

    I’m thankful that where I teach, students have the right to fail. And students have failed my classes. They get a chance to retake the class and then pass it, but they don’t get unlimited chances to do so.

  243. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#223): I guess learning to take a test is a skill that will come up in “real life.” Whether it’s important enough to warrant the classtime it now gets is another matter. My problem with the prevalence of standardized tests is that it takes choices out of the hands of teachers who know their students’ learning styles and gives power to test designers who will never meet the kids.

  244. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:15 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#230): The cats will, I’m sure, be taken good care of once these two dunces LEAVE THE STUPID APARTMENT and go tell a responsible adult what happened. Is that so hard?

  245. pastordan
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#217): Thanks for the pep talk. I will probably be a frazzled mess by the end of the first week, but hopefully after that, the spitwads will just bounce off. Famous last words: this feels very right, like what I’m supposed to be doing at this point in my life.

  246. swallow
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    God, , josh………too many words…….

  247. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#179): Except for, you know … walking out the door!

  248. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    Billingsley has quite literally taken that hoary old comics cliche of the light bulb thought balloon and turned it into plot device. I bet the dead lady has some ?s, !s and $s laying around somewhere. B

  249. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:39 pm [Reply]

    @gleeb (#118):

    Popeye: Am I supposed to know what the heck a grumper is?

    It’s enough to know that it’s something insane, probably physically repulsive, and after this storyline it will never be mentioned again.

  250. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#215):

    Upon further consideration, it is probably a far greater thing to throw light bulbs out of the window than it is to throw each of the cats out the window and expect them to pile up to form a cushion so the boys can then jump out of the window to safety.

    //actually, i didn’t go too far with the consideration. i think i may have just gone too far. haha

  251. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#250): Between her having been a large-ish woman and the incipient putrification softening her flesh, Barry and Curtis might be advised to throw her corpse out the window and use it as a cushion.

  252. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#225): When I lived in the dorms at ISU, we’d always forgo the Ames Tribune in favor of the Des Moines Register. The DSR is where I got addicted to RMMD, old FOOB (back when Mike was a much bigger adolescent a-hole than Jeremy Duncan could ever dream of), A3G, and On The Fasttrack (back when Moat Monster still appeared).

  253. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#251):

    I’m sure that Captain Zippercap and his sidekick wouldn’t be too enthused about touching the corpse.

    Has her state of being been verified by the kids?
    A mirror under the nose?
    Taking her pulse?
    Dipping her hand in cold water?
    Riding a cat around on the floor, trying to herd the others like li’l urban cowboys?

    Jumping up and down on the freaking floor, making as much noise as possible inside of the apartment so that the neighbors stop by to complain and one or more of the neighbors (or the building’s superintendent) gets the door open?

  254. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#251): I have no idea what “incipient putrification” means, just as long as the old lady’s sphincter doesn’t decide to cut loose just as Curtis is rifling through her apron pockets.

  255. Alison
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @Remmy (#158): It’s amazing how many people don’t think that way. My sister wants to have children because “all my friends have them”. No, she’s not a teenager, she’s in her mid-30s.

    “Luann”: Sorry, but a place called “Weenie World” is never going to be THE hangout for teenagers. This isn’t the 1950s, TJ. I imagine the vast majority of teenagers would look at the name of the place, point, let out a snort of laughter, and then go somewhere else.

    This begs the question, do people actually go out to fast food places just for hot dogs? I seem to recall that FOOB had a variety of fast food places that revolved around hot dogs, as well. But I can’t think of any advertising I’ve seen on television for hot dog-based food joints. The only time I see people buying hot dogs outside a supermarket is from street vendors.

  256. Peanut Gallery
    August 14th, 2012 at 5:59 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#227): Here’s a way to deal with that situation in the IAS:

    Go to the Advanced Anagramming options, enter your text and select “Show candidate word list only.” This doesn’t have such strict length limits. Pick a word you like from the choices it offers, then manually remove the letters of that word from the input text, and anagram the remaining letters.

    Intriguing dub twin, hmm?

  257. odinthor
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#227):

    “Sigh. Dave used to have a shorter input…”

  258. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#253): Or maybe they will get “too enthused,” thus angering gods and opening the way for a Very Special Kwanzaa in August story about necrophilia.

  259. Sgt. Stoned
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    H & L: p3 (Thirsty): “Fuck off, Flagston.”

    Snuffy Smif: It’s funny because Loweezy has a more advanced case of sleep apnea than Snuffy.

  260. commodorejohn
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255): Gah. “Show-parents” make me want to murder them and place their children with a nice nurturing wolf-pack or something. It’d be better for them, I really do believe it would.

  261. Banana Towline
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    I’m totally fine with The Lockhorns giving us Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf’s “Bringing up Baby” game as long as they stay away from “Hump the Hostess.”

  262. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#242): @Artist formerly known as Ben (#243): My experience as a teacher was very different from yours, and the other pedagogues here. I was a military instructor. If a student’s performance bothered me, I could, literally*, order him to the floor and make him do push-ups. I never actually did so, but I could have done so, and the students knew that, and that makes a difference, I expect.

    *So nice to be able to use the word “literally”, literally.

  263. Shrug
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:14 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255):

    “But I can’t think of any advertising I’ve seen on television for hot dog-based food joints. The only time I see people buying hot dogs outside a supermarket is from street vendors.”

    I saw a few (and ate at a couple such) in California, thirty or so years ago. (They may still be there; I just haven’t been back to California since.) I’ve never seen a hot-dog-based fast food joint in the Twin Cities, though.

    Though most of the chain gas stations have a good selection of sort-of-hot hot dogs, with add your own condiment bars (“good” referring to quantity, not necessarily quality). And the state fair features a lot of hot dog vendors, some offering “about a FOOT LONG” versions and one or two offering “MILE LONG” versions. Apparently the latter feel they so obviously kidding that they do not need to copper their bets.

    Which does bring up another matter: can ordinary citizens like me buy foot-long bulk hot dogs in some supermarket setting or other, or are they only for sale to state fair hot dog stand operators? Would it help if I knocked on the side door of the supermarket and said “Joe sent me”?

  264. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#258):

    Tut tut!

    I only bring up necrophilia in quips about mummies.

    That is when I bust out the Snarck-ophagus.

    //man. three of those words belong together if only because I rarely use them
    Sigh. Or maybe I’m in de Nile.*

    *stated now to put a moratorium on further usage of that pun platform.

    (aw, what the heck! I’ma gonna toss a parenthetical into this to add to these afterthoughts)

  265. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:18 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#256): Kwl pro tip, lateral pencil guy!

  266. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:31 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#202): I, for one, was surprised to learn that all the teachers here are disembodied floating heads.

    I have lost some weight recently. Thank you for noticing!

  267. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    @Inkwell [formerly Slug] (#222): What do you call your unca’s uncle, then?
    Might as well call him Unca too. It’s Uncas all the way down.

  268. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255): Sonic specializes in hot dogs and advertises them pretty heavily. Of course, with dogs it’s about the toppings, kinda like with 5 Guys and their burgers.

    The problem is the name. Weenie World. Might as well call it Nerd Hangout.

  269. Unwitting Hummingbird
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#267):

    It’s Uncas all the way down.

    ~ Francisco Pizarro

  270. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#263): Shrug, if you come to Central NY you can by foot long dogs in most supermarkets. Company named Hoffmans has specialized in them for years. They were just purchased by a group from Dallas that plans to take them national. So, soon, in a supermarket near you….

  271. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#267): If they live in Uncasville, you call them casino owners, especially Unca Scrooge.

  272. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    Now I’m not coming across as unctuous.

    What’s Cuss Skunk’s Unca called? Unca Cuss?

  273. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#272): Would Elvis be a Unca Unca Burnin’ Love?

  274. Mr. O'Malley
    August 14th, 2012 at 7:08 pm [Reply]

  275. Mr. O'Malley
    August 14th, 2012 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    As Benjamin Franklin said, never close a link with a <\I>.

  276. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 7:34 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#230):

    Don’t worry Gunk will turn up and take his unholy army with him to wherever he goes.

  277. Jamus The Bartender
    August 14th, 2012 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    Luann: This….this is beyond messed up. And this is coming from a guy who for the last four years has written dirty fanfic about one of Bob Weber’s supporting characters. And will do so again once it looks like there’s gonna be some kind of bikini contest. Yeah. I’ll do it.

  278. Señor Tortilla
    August 14th, 2012 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    I missed the weekend comics (vacation). Missed whatever bizarre horrors in the comics (Clown-9 continues to make a fool out of Spider-Man, not that it was too difficult).

    I caught up on…

    Judge Parker, Mary Worth, Curtis, Funky Winkerbean

    Did not read previous: 9CL (I didn’t miss much, did I?), Mark Trail (Rusty’s face seems to be finally reverting back to its original form), Luann (I heard “TJ” and I didn’t try–but what happened in the last few days would be appreciated).

  279. Snarkotix Addict
    August 14th, 2012 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255): Chicago. Hot dogs (with all sorts of stuff on top) were really popular in Chicago. But businesses like that never seemed to catch on in other cities where I’ve lived.

  280. Vince M
    August 14th, 2012 at 8:12 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#268): It’s THAT close to ‘Weenie Hut’ on ‘Spongebob’ – refuge for the weeniest denizens of Bikini Bottom.
    Five Guys does have hot dogs on their limited menu. Here in Atlanta, Jim Stacy, the hardest working man in town, when he’s not running the city’s one drive-in theater, producing PBS shows on straight-up good local restaurants, or fronting an evil clown band, runs Pallookaville, a food wagon that raises corn dogs to a righteous art form. If anyone deserves a free plug, he does.

  281. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    August 14th, 2012 at 8:38 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#43): It’s already been addressed, but they are not physically trapped in the apartment.

    They are afraid to be alone with the dead body, afraid to leave it in the apartment unguarded, and afraid to be alone out on the street. So they have to stick together, and they have to stay in the apartment.

    The phone doesn’t work; they don’t have a cell; and they tried yelling out the window but nobody paid attention.

    I can understand getting annoyed at a comic for setting up a completely nonsensical context, but this situation does, in fact, make sense. The cartoonist has spent a lot of time very carefully making sure that we understand how they got into such a strange situation in the first place.

    Yeesh.

    //I’m betting they’re going to throw the lightbulbs out the window; they’ll make popping sounds like gunfire, and someone will call the police.

  282. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    August 14th, 2012 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255): They do around here (Chicago).

  283. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#281):

    Admittedly, most of what I understand about this Curtis storyline is based upon what has been written on this site. I know that is not fair.

    If this were a house, maybe I wouldn’t be so critical. It is an apartment though. While there is no doubt whatsoever that a suspenseful tale can be woven in a setting like that.* I suppose one could even be done rather well in a comic strip, too.
    If it were a house though, they would be more isolated from other people. If the goal is to attract attention without leaving the apartment, if the goal is to accomplish something they didn’t succeed in earlier then, sure, I could see two kids thinking everything they are doing makes sense.

    So, you are right. In the course of writing this. You’re right. That said, someone let me know when they get out.

    *movies: The Apartment, Rear Window, Sunday in the Park(?) and countless movies set in hotels can take place in one room where there isn’t much option on changing the scene. And, then there’s that Beckett play. Heck, probably dozens of plays take place primarily in one room.

  284. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255):

    No kidding:

    I had to do some research a while ago and found there are/or have been hotdog centric fast food chains. I believe there is at least one in California. Though, it’s been a while and I don’t have my notes to cross check it. Nor, do I feel like searching for The Existence of Fast Food Hot Dog Chains. I’d rather look for Big Foot.

    Soooo, if you’ll excuse me….

  285. Peanut Gallery
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255), @Mr. O’Malley (#274): I don’t know of any national fast-food chains that have hot dogs, but here’s another small, regional one.

    @tallyHO (#284):

    I’d rather look for Big Foot.

    Or Big Foot-Long. No, don’t Google that.

    @Chaze (#268):

    The problem is the name. Weenie World. Might as well call it Nerd Hangout.

    That’s not as bad a name as Weenie Hangout. Just ask yourself what image that calls to mind…

  286. pastordan
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#284): Doesn’t Nathan’s have some store fronts?

  287. Zerowolf
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#281): “//I’m betting they’re going to throw the lightbulbs out the window; they’ll make popping sounds like gunfire, and someone will call the police.” From some of the vague hints dropped over the years, I don’t think Curtis lives in a neighborhood where they’ll be heard over the sound of actual gun fire.

  288. seismic-2
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    Apologies if someone has already mentioned this, but:

    Today’s Comics Alliance has a self-portrait of Tom Batiuk – naked. Yes, a drawing of Tom, by Tom, in the altogether.

    Actually, apologies are probably due if someone hasn’t already linked to that. Sorry to have ruined your evening.

  289. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#286):

    Why, yes, it apparently is a chain.

    One of the only things I remember from the research I did was that the buildings for these chains are pretty generic fast food buildings, on the outside. They also usually incorporate yellow (mustard or close to it) in the color scheme. Like that photo in the article, it is usually on top of the building.

    Some asked about getting foot long hot dogs. I’m sure you could get bulk food (stuffs) of any type easily enough. Maybe Costco. More than likely it could be shipped, too. None of this would surprise me. So why not particular brands of hotdog? Surely, restaurants and those hot dog stands have to get a good deal on bulk dogs from some place. The key here is that if hot dog stands can get them, anyone can get them.
    I’m sure I could get a sweet deal on relish, if I looked for it. Not that I’d relish getting it.
    //sigh. I was just subconsciously setting up word play.

  290. This Guy
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#286): Yeah. I’m pretty sure that A&W is big on hot dogs, too.

  291. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:30 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#288):

    not gonna look.

    afraid i might finally find out what he thinks a winkerbean looks like.

  292. commodorejohn
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#288): Oh. Oh God. I am not clicking that.

    What, did he feel the need to one-up Brooke in the Narcissist Olympics?

  293. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:31 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#291):

    a one-eyed Monster!

    //that produces farts?

  294. pastordan
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#213): Missed your poem from earlier. Thanks for the encouragement, I could use it tonight!

  295. seismic-2
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#291): What, you don’t want to see Tom’s Crankshaft?

  296. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#288): Could be worse, I suppose. He could have drawn McEldowney naked. Or Wilbur Weston.

  297. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    Aha!Vendos!

    @tallyHO (#291): That’s right! A&W sort of became wienercentric when they came back from the dead. I miss the Teen Burger, and the giant fiberglass family of burger-eaters that used to adorn the places. They have little corn dogs that are nice — bite size — though I do believe they’re turkey franks.

  298. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#281): I agree that all the rest has been dealt with, but there has never been a good explanation for why they can’t just walk out the door. Barry keeps using the word “trapped,” and at no point has there been any indication that they are “trapped” by an obligation. Neither of them have so much as mentioned this.

    August 9: They verify that she’s dead.
    August 10: Curtis suggests Barry “run downstairs and flag down a police car,” but Barry refuses because he doesn’t want to “wind up on a milk carton.” Curtis offers to go instead, but Barry doesn’t want to be left alone with a dead body.
    August 11: Curtis yells out the window and knocks on the neighbour’s door with no result. Barry says they’re “trapped” with a dead body. (Also, their parents notice that the kids are late.)
    August 13: Barry has a meltdown, reiterating that they’re “trapped.”
    August 14: Curtis starts rounding up light bulbs. (It’s not specifically stated, but these are likely incandescent light bulbs, since the idea is almost certainly to throw them out the window so they’ll pop and draw attention. Also, the CFL bulbs contain mercury and throwing them on the street poses a health hazard.)

    It feels like Billingsley has gone to great lengths to explain the more unlikely problems, such as lack of a telephone, but completely ignored the most obvious one. Hell, they don’t even have to go anywhere. Curtis merely suggested they “go downstairs” and “flag down” a police car. They can stand in the doorway watching the street until one comes by.

    Hmm. Is this why they say that Curtis is “The Thinking Man’s Comic”?

  299. Chaze
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#298): Hmmm….Curtis and Barry are trapped in an apartment they can leave at any time and Clown 9 is safe inside an apartment that anyone could enter at any time. I don’t understand city living at all.

  300. Peanut Gallery
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#297): (Re: Vendos) “MAN — this is it!” The Ark Pie picture made me very curious, but the only things Google turned up about it were based on this picture of the vending machine. Maybe it was a fictitious product name that was just used for demo pictures of the machine. Maybe it was a delightful ice cream treat containing two of each ingredient: two flavors of ice cream, two pieces of chocolate, two peanuts…

  301. Frank Lee Meidere
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#229):

    Where is Doc?

    “He’s probably outside.”

  302. FOOBed again
    August 14th, 2012 at 9:58 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#255): We have The Frankfurter in Seattle, though they used to have more locations.

  303. Dartpaw86
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    Are you sure Curtis and Barry didn’t die as well? Seeing from the windows where the outside is nothing but white they appear to be in limbo.

  304. Señor Tortilla
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#274): Ha! The local Wienerschnitzel (which is literally at least four decades old) doesn’t offer indoor seating either (a classic “A-frame”), even when it’s 100° weather outside.

    @seismic-2 (#288): I looked. I was prepared to see a smirking fiend with Les’s face and disgusting features (with lots of thick, nasty hair) but it was more or less work safe.

  305. Jamus The Bartender
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#288): Yeah, I just had to look. This had better be some kind of charity thing.

  306. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

  307. Anonymous
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#236): @Chaze126 (#239): @Artist formerly known as Ben (#244): @Liam (#276): Thanks! I feel better now. For very weird reasons, but I’ll take them.

  308. Poteet
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#307): Dang, I was doing so well.

  309. Poteet
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#252): Yep, I read the REGISTER online also. Within limits. It has a paywall now.

  310. Poteet
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    LUANN — That’s the first time a comic strip has made me physically shudder. Strange. I guess my subconscious has a thing about magic marker on hotdogs.

  311. Poteet
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:25 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#288): Well. That was different.

  312. Poteet
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:30 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#288): To heck with Batiuk. Armstrong is more interesting.

  313. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace-Mr. Wilson does seem to be standing a bit more erect.

    Hagar-Even in Hagar’s anachronistic world no one can agree on how to divide up the check.

  314. Liam
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    Luann-And for the winter time he shall have a fur burger.

  315. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#300): Well, of course I don’t have empirical verification of the truthfulness of your suggestion about Ark Pies, but… let’s be logical here… it’s the ONLY! POSSIBLE! SOLUTION!

  316. Uncle Lumpy
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#123):

    Oh Lordy now I’m mentally recasting Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf with the Wilsons in the starring roles. Mark Trail as Nick. Sandy Dennis irreplaceable as Honey.

  317. Josh
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:47 pm [Reply]

    Since everyone else is sharing Tales of Student Entitlement and Haplessness, I have to offer my own, and perhaps tell me if I was unfair. Back when I was a grad student (this back in 1999, so it isn’t even about the Kids Today), I was a TA for an ancient history class, and I had a student was an extremely chatty and charming but also kind of irritating and know-it-all-y Hungarian (like, born and mostly raised in Hungary, though his English was essentially fluent both in speech and writing). I was never exactly sure what to believe what he told me — he claimed to “basically have a law degree” from a Hungarian university (but so then why are you getting a BA from a US college? I’m pretty sure the degrees translate), liked to come to my office hours to chat about ancient history, about which he seemed to know a lot (but then why are you taking this intro course?), etc.

    He did very well on his assignments and had a legit A+ going into the final, and he knew it. Even though almost all contact with the students was done by TAs, the professor created the final exam, but I really enjoyed the format: it was a list of eight simple declarative sentences about the material we covered, and you had to choose three and write an essay for each one, either agreeing or disagreeing with it.

    So my Hungarian friend tackled one of these — I no longer remember what the sentence was, but it was basically about dating the events of the Homeric epics. Now, this bugs me methodologically — I’m a firm believer that while the Homeric poems probably represent some kind of cultural memory of a civilization that was already in the ancient past in Homer’s day (to the extent that “Homer” was a real person who actually had a “day”), “The Trojan War” was not a real thing that happened in any way resembling what we have in the epics. But at least what we discussed in class was based on archaeological evidence, i.e., some of the material culture described in the epics corresponds to real Bronze Age objects dug out of the ground. My student instead wrote a long, enthusiastic essay about how you could date the action of the poems based on the beliefs and values of the characters, an idea that was mostly pulled out of his ass and mingled with stuff that was popular among the 19th century Romantics, and which I had gently tried to dissuade him from when he talked about it during my office hours — apparently too gently.

    Anyway, I gave him very few points on that essay, because it was entirely wrongheaded, though, to be fair, it was the sort of entirely wrongheaded argument that you had to know quite a bit to make. He did great on the other two essays, but since there were only three he did badly on the final overall, and because the final was a decently sized part of his grade, he got an A- in the class instead of an A+. And he was pissed. He tracked down my phone number and called me up in a rage, told me that I was clearly initimidated by his intellect and told me he would be reporting me for misconduct. The best part was that I had already quit grad school, and that was my last semester, and so I got tell him “Yeah, go ahead and report me,” which completely flummoxed him.

    But, I have to say, for the most part my students were nice and relatively smart and took criticism reasonably well.

    Josh

  318. Dale
    August 14th, 2012 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#301):

    If Doc is outside, it’s only in his mind. The only places we’ve ever seen him are his lab and the kitchen.

  319. tallyHO
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#318):

    Waitasecond!
    Are you saying they actually show his lab?

    I’m sure it can’t be the most elaborate setup because that isn’t something Elrod draws inanimate objects and when rendering settings.

    But, I still so want him to be a mild yet mad genetic scientist that is breeding Mark Trail clones, random black and white dogs and giant forest critters (or, creatures. take your pick). But, the only times I’ve ever seen Doc is when he is sitting at his microscope and standing next to a fence. I can’t even find a thing amusing about either activity.

    sigh. Great Expectations.

  320. Uncle Lumpy
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:06 pm [Reply]

    I had a student come in to complain about a test grade because “it’s unfair to grade on a curve — everybody should just get the grade they got.” I explained that normalizing the test scores was perfectly legitimate with large classes and standardized tests, but that if he preferred, I would convert the F he got on the curve for his 23% performance on 100 four-alternative multiple-choice questions into a no-curve, unadjusted F.

    This, too, was seen as unfair. Apparently it was a matter of principle.

  321. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    @Josh (#317): Ah, gotta love those Students Who Already Know Everything.

    On the other hand, when I was a senior at Berkeley, I took an American-lit class, and for the final paper, I analyzed the William Carlos Williams poem “The Yachts.” I claimed that the yachts plowing through a sea of hapless poor people represented class conflict. The grad-student TA who graded my essay simply said my interpretation was “wrong” and gave me a C on the essay. Now, I was about to graduate with honors from Berkeley, and I was damned if some grad student was going to tell me that I didn’t know how to analyze a friggin’ poem. So I took it to the professor, who agreed to review it—and promptly gave me an A. But here’s where I differed from your student: I didn’t already know everything, but in this case, I knew what the hell I was talking about.

  322. Alison
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    Wow, there are a lot of fast food places that offer hot dogs! I stand corrected. However, I shall keep picking on Weenie World, because it’s hella fun.

    Seriously, the “Look man, I made this hot dog look like it’s wearing a bikini!” thing is something a bunch of teenagers who are A. stoned and B. bored out of their minds at work, would do-not something a person would seriously show their boss and think was a good idea. And any real boss would be yelling GET BACK TO WORK AND STOP GOOFING OFF!!! as soon as they saw it. I do hope An Eyeful reacts this way.

  323. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:35 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#298): Got a bunch of us thinking about it.

  324. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#321): But what if you were wrong? Of course, you weren’t, but that grad student didn’t know you like we do.

    I love me some poetry, but as an engineer, I can’t figure how you liberal arts folks quantify what you do.

  325. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:47 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#320): Well, I’m glad you learned your lesson.

  326. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#294): Golly.

    But serious, you’ll do great. If you know your stuff, and I’m sure you do, and you have a sense of humor, and you obviously do, you will knock ‘em dead.

    // Kill. Kill. Kill. Just like Mom used to say, when she sent us off to the abattoir each morning!

  327. commodorejohn
    August 14th, 2012 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    @Alison (#322): Oh, she will. But it won’t help, because Everyone In The World will love TJ for being the Designated Good Guy whose every idea is brilliance itself [*] and Atypically Sexualized Weenies will make eighty billion jillion dollars, and then TJ’ll be all like “heh heh you naughty woman, serves you right for disagreeing with Greg’s brilliance, now let me find some quasi-sexual way to humiliate you for being so evil and stupid, heh heh!” and I’ll vomit and vow that some day Evans will pay for his crimes.

    You know, typical Luann fare.

  328. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:01 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#317): So, was that the last time you talked to Karl Rove?

  329. Poteet
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#317): For what it’s worth, I think you were fair. And I wonder what he’s doing now. I’ll bet his mild reality check didn’t ruin his life.

  330. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#288): I can’t see any reason to go there. Maybe he looks like Michelangelo’s David; maybe he looks like Jabba the Hutt. Why?

    // Since you ask, I look like a cross between the two. Sorry, no autographs.

  331. Hei of the Zaraki Company
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#9):

    You did not lie queek! Hugs and thanks to you for the link. I have a rather miserable last week or so . Those oh so kawaii overload pups gave me a much needed smile. Arigato!

  332. Hei of the Zaraki Company
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    er…that should be I have been having a rather miserable week. So miserable I totally forgot about grammar.

  333. Poteet
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    @Unwitting Hummingbird (#130): Thanks for an excuse to observe that the poetry in my old high school literary magazine wasn’t Yeats, but some of it wasn’t bad for high school kids. There were even a couple of not-too-bad T.S. Eliot imitations. Whereas I recently came across the undergraduate literary magazine of a certain university that shall remain unnamed and the poetry therein was, on average, dreck. I hope this trend is not common.

  334. Droopy Says
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    Spider-Bland: Distract Asi9 from the attacking the Mammon Theater by having him attack a circus? Put a larger crowd at risk and give Asi9 an even better chance to humiliate Parker? I haven’t seen a plan get so much thought since Wilbur decided to interrupt his Italian vacation with a vacation cruise the bad mens decided to go to LoFo and steal Rusty’s camera.

    FU, W: Becky, you’re in Batiuk Land. When you look to your god, look down.

    Mock Trail: Cherry, hurry up and call the police, because when the bad mens discover the camera has no chip, they’ll . . . um, yeah. They’ll die of embarrassment when they realize nobody would trust a moron like Rusty with a real camera. So you win this one on points, Cherry.

    Jugs Parker: Avarice, can’t you take “Fuck off and die” for an answer?

    Mary Mirthless: Hello, all you happy people. Who died? Nobody? You’re kidding. I haven’t seen such cheerful faces since my last family reunion.

    Family Circus: Your sandwich won’t hold still, Jeffy? Funny, I look at you and my stomach won’t hold still.

  335. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:53 am [Reply]

    Just a final check-in. Tonight I hit the sack, tomorrow we hit the road. Some fun, eh? Always hitting things! Snark on, and be humorous to each other.

  336. Comcis Fan
    August 15th, 2012 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    MW: That’s right, Ian. Ditto the Spanish Inquisition.

  337. Comcis Fan
    August 15th, 2012 at 1:17 am [Reply]

    FW: Really, Becky, I know it’s supposed to be sardonic, but considering who and where you are, is it wise to even jest so?

  338. Comcis Fan
    August 15th, 2012 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    Have a great trip, Muffaroo, and stay safe!

  339. Dale
    August 15th, 2012 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#319):

    MT- I hesitated to call it a lab, but didn’t want to get all wordy. As you note, we often see Doc with his microscope and maybe some laboratory type glassware in the background.

  340. Ian Beste
    August 15th, 2012 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#317): Law degrees from civil law countries (i.e. any country whose legal system doesn’t ultimately derive from England) generally don’t translate into the US. Some foreign lawyers will go to a law school in the US and get an LL.M., or get work as a paralegal, an interpreter or an expert witness on their home legal system.

  341. Droopy Says
    August 15th, 2012 at 2:27 am [Reply]

    Spider-Bland: Parker, leave the insane clown logic to the insane clown, okay?

    Mock Trail: I’m waiting to see if the bad mens cut the telephone line to LoFo. What better way to block the transmission of megabyte-sized image files than by snipping your dial-up connection’s wire?

    Luann: Yeah, I can see how the thought of a martini weenie would attract adults to a place where the kids are teeheeing over a weenie with pubic hair. And I can see how Ann Eiffel would want to get a permit to sell liquor at her restaurant, and deal with the regulations involving liquor and the presence of minors, while explaining her deviations from company practices and their negative PR impact. TJ’s next brilliant invention will involve two strategically-placed hardboiled eggs and a foot-long weenie, won’t it?

  342. Cal
    August 15th, 2012 at 3:47 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#39): When I lived in North Philly, it was common to see kids– even very young children– hanging out, playing outside, and running around at all hours of the night. Sometimes it was because the parents had to work at night; sometimes it was for other reasons. But this was only a few years ago.

  343. Mr. O'Malley
    August 15th, 2012 at 3:52 am [Reply]

    Luann: I think TJ has got it right for once. Ann’s idiot bosses have set her an idiotic task. She should send them an idiotic response that will go in with all the other hundreds of idiotic responses and then forget about it.

    JP: Here’s why he’s been playing cagey. He figures he can buy into the pot farm.

    Curtis: So he’s not going to show us what he did with those lightbulbs … even though this is a comic strip and special effects cost as close to zero as you could want.

    MT: This story would be more interesting if we had the first-run version where they had to develop the film.

  344. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 15th, 2012 at 7:14 am [Reply]

    FW – And so the one-armed woman in the sexless marriage prays for the sweet release of death. Today’s strip really sets the bar for future Funky frolics!

    MW – “No, no they aren’t all right. They all died horribly. Now, who’s up for salmon squares!?”

  345. Peanut Gallery
    August 15th, 2012 at 7:47 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#317): Don’t sweat it, man. It’s ancient history.

    (I imagine it’ll be nostalgic for you to hear that lame joke again, all these years after hearing it about a thousand times when you were TA’ing the course.)

  346. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 15th, 2012 at 7:56 am [Reply]

    @Josh (#317):

    “My student instead wrote a long, enthusiastic essay about how you could date the action of the poems based on the beliefs and values of the characters”

    Well, given that the Trojan War was not a discrete historical event but more of a parable around the clash of Greek and Mesopotamian civilizations, and given that it weaves in the creation myths of many of the Greek city-states, I could see where it would be possible to try and correlate the specific creation myths (which establish the beliefs and values of the civilization) to actual, archeologically verifiable events…

  347. Twinkles the Elf
    August 15th, 2012 at 8:04 am [Reply]

    I kind of don’t get it. $100 isn’t very much money. Most people buying school supplies would spend much more than that, wouldn’t they? I mean, when you add in the backpack and the calculator and all that stuff? So, like, if you wanted to make a funny joke, I would think the sum would need to be $500 or so. Except, wait, it’s still not very funny.

  348. Liam
    August 15th, 2012 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    MW-Of course Wilbur and Dawn are not okay. He’s obsessed with sandwiches and she has an easily addictive personality. It would take years of therapy to make them better.

  349. anon
    August 15th, 2012 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    When I went to Atlantic City years ago, gambled away and blew my stake of a roll of quarters on the slots, I walked up and down the boardwalk for hours (waiting for the high rollers I came there with to finish up losing their money). I bought an awful lot of lousy corndogs at Hotdog On A Stick there. Do they still have Hotdog On A Stick in Atlantic City?

    9CL: Does today’s strip indicate Seth has spotted Amos playing in the orchestra pit?

  350. Crankenstank
    August 16th, 2012 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    Rats, I was hoping for a Curtis-Marvin crossover strip after that first panel.

  351. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 16th, 2012 at 2:49 pm [Reply]

    Apropos of pretty much nothing, and relying on a presumed privilege of being a fairly longtime, and possibly over-frequent commenter here… Christopher Hitchens did not die in vain. He died in Houston, Texas.

    // I miss the fat, atheistic bastard.

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