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No, not Kevin James, Kevin Spacey! It says Kevin Spacey in the contract!

Mark Trail, 8/29/12

Gosh, what are our sheep-killing, camera-stealing, Rusty-menacing doofuses up to now? Just a little light illegal organ harvesting, that’s all! Say, what do you suppose those “other parts” the dark-haired fellow is referring to might be? (SPOILER: Probably aphrodisiacal bear penis.) I also like the way this fellow carefully explains to his friend why his bear-bagging idea is so potentially lucrative. You’d think he’d already know this, but maybe not? “Black market? I … I thought we would just go out and hunt for the sport of it. You know, you and me, in the wilderness, testing ourselves against nature, really getting to know each other … God, I feel like such a fool.”

This isn’t the first time Mark Trail has grappled with gallbladder poaching, either. But then, all Mark Trail characters and plot points return again eventually, in slightly different combinations, following the strip’s dream-logic. Organ harvesting? Indian artifacts? Two dumb guys stealing Rusty’s camera? Every strip is an exercize in déjà vu.

Mary Worth, 8/29/12

Oh, man, this is great! Wilbur has come through a near-death experience and hasn’t deepened spiritually at all; instead, he’s learned that life is short and the time to get his is now. “There’s strong buzz about the disaster! Readers will be interested in my first-person perspective! A showcase piece in the Santa Royale Whosit will catapult me to the network morning news shows, an instant book sold in airports everywhere and, with any luck, a made-for-HBO movie starring Kevin Spacey as me! I’m gonna be rich, rich, filthy rich! Say, I wonder if I should tell Mary that she can stop doing my job for me without pay?” Oh, you’ll wish you did, Wilbur, because it sounds like she’s going to lay a load of heavy meaningfulness on some poor letter writer that’s probably going to ruin all your fun.

On an unrelated note, I dare you to explain how Wilbur’s hands are supposed to be attached to his arms in panel one. In panel two, I already know how Mary’s head is attached to her shoulders: very securely.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/29/12

I guess this is supposed to be about the fire department attempting to draft Snuffy and Lukey and force them to contribute something back to the community they’ve sponged off of for years, but when I first read it I thought maybe our protagonists were about to be burned at the stake.

Beetle Bailey, 8/29/12

YAAAY, PEACE HAS BROKEN OUT EVERYWHERE, THERE’S NOTHING MORE FOR THE ARMY TO DO EVER AGAIN

266 responses to “No, not Kevin James, Kevin Spacey! It says Kevin Spacey in the contract!”

  1. nescio
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    SlylockFox: Do all the trees have holes with unseen animals within? The moose looks suspiciously happy.

  2. zaratustra
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    I’ve done it! I’ve finally seen a Barney Google strip where none of their hideous tongues are flopping out of their skulls. I am free!

  3. Rocky Stoneaxe
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:32 am [Reply]

    Blondie — I know what you’re all thinking, but “M. Morelli” can’t be Dean Young’s doctor. (Because he’s not drawn realistically!)

  4. cheech wizard
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    @John C Fremont (y#298): Did you know that Mike Nesmith was a pioneer of music videos following his days with the Monkees? I remember seeing a clip of him with monster feet stomping a small town after singing “Her name was Rodan, and she lived in the ocean off Japan…”

  5. Flonatin of Bologna
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Shoe: We don’t carry any of those sans serif fonts here, fancy city boy. You’ll have 18-point Times New Roman and you’ll like it.

    Also, you’re limited to 140 letters.

  6. pugfuggly
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    MT You got to give it to those two: they are poachers through and through. They don’t have time to check a camera, or flee the area, or sell thier ill-gotten gains. Not when there’s more poaching that can be done! Money’s really secondary to true pros like this, they do it for the sheer love of killing protected animals and removing valuable parts of their bodies.

    MW There’s some buzz, Wilbur! just look at Mary over there, falling asleep at her keyboard trying to come up with some kind of interesting message to take from this ‘tragedy’.

    A3G Do you ever wonder how chickadees recognize one another when they look virtually identical to us? I wonder the same thing when A3G characters talk about each other’s clothes.

    ASM Something tells me that the kid with the popcorn thought it would be a great idea to drop a tab of acid and go see Spiderman fight a supervillain clown at the circus. Looks like it’s finally kicking in….

  7. Anonymous
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    Negotiations for “Shouldn’t Be Alive: The Wilbur Weston Story” – ask for Michael Chiklis, settle for Jason Alexander, get Eric Stonestreet.

  8. Dennis Jimenez
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    MT – Powdered Unicorn Horn on the underground pixie dust market – man, is this easy money, or what….

    MW – What can we learn – Life is Brutal? Chrysal Swans are Made for Smashing? Pride goeth before a fall? A chin-beard goeth before a pompus ass?

    BG&SS – Ya gotta let’em go – neither’s got’a purty mouth….

    BB – General Halftrack, gettin’ busy with Miss Buxley – cue the guitar wha-wha score….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  9. Oregonian
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    I love the way Wilbur’s tie said “I am OUT of here!” and left a big oily skidmark down the front of his shirt.

  10. Pozzo
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    #7 was me — don’t know what’s going on with my nom de snark this week.

  11. Tony
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    MW: So what kind of keyboard is that supposed to be that Mary is using? It’s got separate left and right sides, but it’s not ergonomic. It’s got a *very* long row of Function keys across the top. Is it some kind of advanced gaming keyboard with n-key rollover? Is Mary some kind of awesome outlaw game developer who just happens to dress nice and serve tea?

  12. wossname
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MW – Hey Giella – have you ever looked at a computer keyboard? I mean, really really looked at it?

    Arch – BIFR has always been one of my favorite comics. BOB is good too.

    A3G – Margo, you only hired Evan about five minutes ago in strip time, and haven’t interacted with him since then, so how do you know he’s good at his job, whatever it is? Wait – you don’t suppose there’s stuff happening in the 3Giverse that they’re not showing us, do you?

    Crank – Batiuk, if your plan is to show us that Crankshaft used to be much funnier, you’re succeeding.

    JP – I can so imagine this scene played by any two Marx Brothers – or any two Stooges.

  13. Little Blue Bicycle
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    MW: Yesterday brought the shocking revelation that Wilbur had lost one of his three comb-over strands in the accident, no doubt to an Italian rescuer. But today he seems to have sprouted a new strand at about ten o’clock on his forehead, unless strand #1 has divided like an amoeba. We must wait for further developments. Life is brutal.

  14. cheech wizard
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    MW – Mary’s hand placement is pretty awkward for keyboarding. It looks more like she’s consulting some high-tech Ouija Board to divine a response to her troubled readers. Ain’t technology wonderful?! I guess that previously she’d been smuggling a Magic 8-Ball in her purse all these years.

  15. pugfuggly
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Oregonian (#9):

    HA! I hadn’t noticed that.

    “What this? Oh, some kids on the way here thought it would funny to run me down on their dirtbikes. It’s fine, really, happens all the time….”

  16. Chareth Cutestory
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: I was about to crack a joke about how Mary is sooooo proper for keeping some super strict ergonomic posture while at the computer, but then I realized that I was slumping all over my office chair in a horrible slouch. Dammit, Mary, you win this round.

  17. Flea
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Something about Wilbur’s stupid burnt-orange blazer, fuzzy checked tie, standard comb-over, and inappropriately-furrowed brow makes me just want to slap the shit out of him.

  18. Horace Broon
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    I’ve been away from the computer for nearly a week, so I’ve got a lot of catching up to do with those fast-moving soap strips. Now let’s see … last time I looked, Mary Worth characters were going on and on about the cruise, Rusty was looking for Indian arrowheads, Clown-9 was going to the circus, there was a skunk in the lodge, Margo was trading barbed comments with her new client, and the Morgans were planning to go to California. And now…

    …Oh, come on!

    Crankshaft: Terry Pratchett did it better (Albert’s story about the rocking horse in Hogfather). I do have to give Batuik props for creating a “bitter old man” character who is actually less likable than Albert, though; that shows real dedication to his craft.

    Pluggers: Don’t be ridiculous. Even other Pluggers wouldn’t listen to a Plugger for long enough that they’d run out of ailments!

  19. Mibbitmaker
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    (BG&)SS (meta): If it was them being burned at the stake, those fire fighters would just keep putting out the flames.

    MW: OMIGOD! MARY NO LONGER HAS A NECK! AAUGHH! AAUGHH! AAUGHH! AAUGHH! AAUGHH!…

    Archie: Huh huh huh huh — Comic strips hate comic books* — Huh huh huh huh…
    *with Tom Batiuk at the other extreme.

    A3G: Meow, Greg!

    Crank: Uh… ha, ha?

    JP: “How can you tell the difference?”, asks Alex Reiger.

    MT: Omigod, they’re going to smuggle gallbladders, aren’t they?!

  20. bluepencil
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:07 am [Reply]

    MW: Readers may have been interested in Wilbur’s first-person perspective while the “tragedy” was actually occurring (why wasn’t he tweeting while being winched up into the helicopter?). By now they’ve moved on to Snooki’s baby, Reese’s baby bump, and whether RPatz will succumb to KStew’s entreaties to get back together

  21. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    So Mary’s going to steal the Costa Linguini thunder, while Wilbur has to settle for his disembodied hand trying to cop a feel on his moob?

    Gosh, Mary Worth is a much more interesting strip than I thought…

  22. Mark B.
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Obviously, there’s someone standing behind Wilbur who provides another pair of hands, so he can rest his arms once is a while while trying to get into the Guiness Book of World Records for longest continuous Jazz hands pose. I think the artist might have captured a transitional moment between using Wilbur’s hands and unnamed hand intern’s hands.

  23. Mibbitmaker
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    New PCK “Entertorial” is now up!

    It’s 2001, and one “reality” show title summed up the whole genre perfectly!

    (okay, it’s not 2001 now, but you get the idea)

  24. The Ghost of Jarrod
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    BB: The army’s tired now
    Tired of swinging its giant arms
    The army’s tired now
    Tired of waiting on the couch

    And it’s so sad
    All its defenders have moved along
    And it’s so sad
    The army’s good times have all gone

    PBS: Pastis, a grateful nation thanks you.

    Shaft: Crankshaft was angrier 25 years ago. He was also funnier.

    MW: “Dear Reader: Life is brutal.”

    MW 2: With his new unattached hands, Wilbur will be able to watch TV and fix himself a mayonnaise sandwich at the same time!

  25. Mibbitmaker
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#23):

    Oh, I forgot to mention — tomorrow’s PCK is made especially for you guys!

    – well, I drew it in 2002, before Josh even started this pla– Aw, you get the idea…

  26. Minarets
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    MW: You know, judging from the type of questions Wendy gets, it’s no surprise Mary Worth has taken root in Santa Royale. Most newspaper advice columns are inundated with cheating spouses, wedding problems, rebellious teenagers, etc. Santa Royale’s citizens ask about the meaning of life. Not to mention, if they SAW their original profound sage Wendy in all his beer-gut, sammich-inhaling glory…

    9CL: Ah, yikes. A sweet story, a lovely gesture, but man, McEldowney cannot draw closeups.

    MT: So, here we are, bear-poaching…look! It’s that kid from the mountains! This time they’ll try to snatch Rusty’s legs.

  27. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    FW – In the land of crippling, morbid depressives, the heavy-lidded sad-sack is king!!!

    MW – I must not have been paying attention. I thought that Mary wasn’t on the boat, and only heard of what happened after it was all over? So, how does she have any amazing insight into the perspective that one can gain from a near-death experience? Clearly, I’ve not paid enough attention, because this is Mary Worth, and she feeds vicariously on the life lessons of those around her.

    Luann – Maybe you should ask Tiffany? She showed me what love means in only five minutes and with only one hand while Toni was off on one of her trips to “babysit Shannon”.

    9CL – If Edda sticks her foot out and kicks Amos back into the pit, I will forgive 50-60% of this ridiculous storyline. 100% if he lands on the borrowed cello.

  28. McManx
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft — I never read this comic in its early days and I wish I had. Ed was so much more horribly mean and bitter before his dementia kicked in.

    Garfield — Stool sample, Liz?

    Hazel — Ted Key’s faces look so much alike, that at first I thought the figure on the right was Hazel topless. After I vomited in my mouth, I realized my error. Still, DAMN YOU Ted Key whereever you are!

    Judge Parker — Somehow, I don’t think this is the first time Avery has had some strange tail in his bed.

    Mark Trail — I find it interesting that on one hand this strip can be so focused on the issue of illegal poaching while frivilously ignoring Rusty’s blatent violation of Native American archeological sites. Mark Trail speak with forked tongue…

    Nancy — OH MY GOD!! Those empty weeping eyesockets are sucking my soul… AAAAA!!

  29. sporknpork
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    RIP Mary Worth… She is dead in that panel, right?

  30. Not Just any Dipstick
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#19): Yup, feed a gall baldder to a fish, and catch it a few miles downstream. Maybe someone should tell them that salmon go upstream. And, and, and, don’t forget to have that old biddy who lives in a cabin no one can find in a forest that is lost, except for seaplanes that can tip over canoes. and, and, and…

  31. Not Just any Dipstick
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): Not only lands on the cello, but the ‘G’ string snaps, wraps around parts that should not be wrapped around, and creates a new soprano.

  32. Mibbitmaker
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @sporknpork (#29): Actually, Mary’s asleep. Mary Worth has finally even bored herself!

  33. Digger
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    MT: “Their gallbladders and other parts are worth a fortune on the black market.” Thanks, Mr. Nature! Is this guy auditioning to take over the Sunday strip from Mark?

  34. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    @Not Just any Dipstick (#31):

    That will teach Amos not to go around snapping g-strings while he is still Edda’s thrall!

  35. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Apt. 3-G: Everybody in this strip looks like their grandmother dressed them, Greg! Oh, and look, there she is in panel two.

    9 Chickweed Lane: Try as I might, I can’t help liking that last panel. Score one for McEldowney.

    Dick Tracy: Let me get this straight. You killed the aquarium director because he discovered you doing things high school neckbeards do in their bedrooms? Worst. Criminals. Ever.

    Frank and Ernest: Okay, I giggled. Almost as good as referring to the practice of baptism as “fire insurance.”

    Judge Parker: Nobody sleeps in my bed, except for the people I’m screwing! Do you hear me? Nobody! That skunk will never work in Hollywood again!

    Luann: 1. Love is hard. Life is brutal. Going to be a long thirty years until your creator dies, Luann. 2. “Love is hard”? I gotcher “hard love” right–no, better not.

    Mark Trail: Johnny Cash has got a meth addiction to feed. Let’s get them bear bladders. And dicks.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: If this strip were anymore hieratic, it’d be stick figures.

    Zippy: Ah, there’s the Zippy I know and love…

  36. AhClem
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Sorry, JJJ. Until very recently, you were the stupidest newspaper editor in the history of the world. That title has been taken over by the editor of the Santa Royale Irritable Bowel, who wants to turn Wilbur’s shipwreck adventure into a series. Clearly, “Wilbur can’t find the Miracle Whip in the Dark” will make for a much more riveting story than “Spider Man goes home to watch ‘The View.’”

  37. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Archie – Wikipedia names a “current” artistic team of Archie (comic strip), but here’s a reveal. Archie is at a book store chortling over Pep, last published in 1987.

    Also on the rack: Bifriendly, a fun comic about exploration, Laugh, the adventures of a sentient laff track, Archer Anders, that fun-loving libertine who sold his soul to the devil, and “Bob”, a cynical demigod who smokes a pipe full of “frop.”

  38. Ranger
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    BB: Seeing as Halftrack is real old and probably very sexist, I’m surprised he didn’t tell Ms. Buxley to bring him a Viagra and hop up on the desk for some “busy work”.

  39. Esther Blodgett
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    C’shaft: That’s pretty awesome. Let’s just stop here and pretend the last 25 years have all been like this.

    PBS: So totally with Rat on this one.

    Curtis: Remember last week, when clever political caricatures were having a slap-fight in Curtis’ living room? I guess we can safely call that an anomaly.

    JP: Adorable skunk is adorable. Idiot men are idiots.

  40. UncleJeff
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    Dear Wendy: In the wake of tragedy, what can we learn? — Nothing Better to Do.

    Dear NBTD: Are you referring to the sinking of the Costa Linguini? From my experience, if you’re with your mopey daughter on a cheap cruise ship vacation, you should take advantage of all of the opportunities available to you.
    And when the incompetent captain sails the damned thing into the rocks, you should take advantage of the confusion and ill-trained rescue crews to choke the bitch and toss her into the sea!
    But NOOOOOOOO. You had to bring her back and have her waste my time and a good seafood scampi lunch with your boring tales of heroic rescues and how you’ve learned to love life again.
    NEXT TIME, WILBUR…err NBTD. She goes overboard and STAYS overboard.
    Life is Brutal.
    Wendy.

  41. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    Slylock – How many animals can Slylock fit into that little boat? All of them, as long as the biggest predator, Bluto Bear, got in the boat first!

  42. TheDiva
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MT: The best part about Mark Trail is that all the dialogue sounds like the narration for a 1950s educational short.

    MW: Having learned about Wilbur’s intention to write about his experience (because she knows all and sees all), Mary sets out to beat him to the punch. “That sandwich-stuffing loser thinks he can pontificate and moralize on this just because he was there? Not on my watch!”

  43. Cloudbuster
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Luann: Remember, kids! Luann being narcissistic == endearing. Tiffany being narcissistic == evil!

    MT: Curse you Mark Trail. Once again you have made me Google something bizarre. Poaching bear gallbladders is a real thing. $3,000 a pop or more! Gall bladder poachers are not to be fucked with! Rusty’s a dead kid!

    Dinosaur Comics: I endorse this message. Curse you Fed Ex (and UPS) man!

  44. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Dick – Update: Phishface and/or Chum’s eventual fate, in addition to drawing a “sleeps with fishes” line from a sardonic Tracy, will involve their demise at the teeth of the rare Chekhov’s Shark in the tank directly above their secret hide-out.

  45. Perky Bird
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Man, those poachers are bad-ass! First they shoot a bighorn from a plane, and now they’re going to kill some bears for their gall bladers. What next? “Hey, I think I saw a convent on the way up here. What say we go burn it down and rape the nuns?”

  46. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Knight Life – Dude, selling black people isn’t cool.

    love is… …drawing some clothes on yourself with a marker and going out.

  47. Anson Pants
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    MT: Theres a black market for bear gall bladders?!

    Also: “exercize” ?

  48. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    Nancy – Uncomfortably gross, but somehow appropriate that Nancy’s eyes should be replaced in the last panel by two dripping pieces of crap.

  49. UncleJeff
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Love Is…showing respect for restaurant workers and their customers by wearing pants in a food service area.

    Ghost-Who-Advises-On-Petrochemical-Policies: Have you ever noticed the artist for “Phantom” really has a problem with drawing noses?

  50. Maggie the Cat
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    MW- Mary looks like a disturbed pianist pounding away her demons on the keyboard.

  51. Doctor Handsome
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Bear gallbladders? If it’s the vestigial organs that are valuable, it’s arguably not necessary to poach at all. How much you think I could get for a pound of moose tonsils?

  52. Ranger
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    3G: “Do they have names Clara?” Yes, a Mr. B. L. Zebub, a Ms. Lucy Fer, a Mr. Sai Tan. They said you are expecting them.

  53. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Tarzan – A stray dog wants to lead you to a mission? Must be one of those Lassie’s Witnesses.

  54. Braniff
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    FC: Someone sunk Jeffy’s battleship! Boo-hoo!

  55. Maggie the Cat
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    @zaratustra (#2): You made me LOL.

  56. geekwhisperer
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    MW I think I see what’s happened here. Wilbur has been set free. He’s got a new column as a dashing adventure-blogger, a world traveler who delights us with his witty observations and scrapes with disaster. Sort of a prosciutto-stuffed Bill Bryson. Meanwhile Mary has become a freelance-drone, hunched over the keyboard trying to turn content on deadline, probably as a click bait to the paper’s erstwhile sponsors. We’re talking a bold new direction here, and papers across the country will now be invited to carry bold new storyline comic “The Wilbs”, designed to appeal to the male 60+ balding overweight loner demographic, who coincidentally are the only people actually reading newspapers nowadays. It will run next to Pluggers.

    MT So these guys have an airplane and a truck and live in a remote cabin that is occasionally inhabited,but they’re sure to put down a nice white tablecloth before they go out poaching black bears for gallbladders. And they are only walking distance from Rusty who they stole the camera from. The dreams of Elrod continue.

  57. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#y277): Thanks, dude.

    @Poteet (#y285): Sorry, should have warned you.

    @Droopy Says (#y296): Yeah, NYC policemen would never, you know, try shooting somebody like that.

  58. Dood
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Apartment 3-G: I think Wilbur means that he’s got a strong buzz. Probably mayonnaise withdrawal.

  59. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Fun Fact! – In the first two takes, Halftrack asked Buxley to get him some “busty work.”

    @pugfuggly (#6): I have to applaud those guys and their work ethic. Those animals aren’t going to poach themselves, you know!

  60. TheDiva
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    9CL: In today’s panel three, the role of Edda will be played by an anime character.

    A3G: Where have you been, Greg? Everyone in this strip dresses like that! Even the grandma who just came in looks like her grandma dressed her!

    C’shaft: So Crankshaft was born miserable and angry, then.

    reFOOB: I would have said “because he’s older than you were and your parents realize that he’s now mature enough to make his own decisions even if they disapprove of them,” but no, you go on ahead and make it a sexism issue.

    FW: Don’t worry, you won’t be there six months before one of you gets cancer or is lost at sea or something like that.

    Luann: Luann, if even your brother the village idiot can see you’re a selfish brat…

    Pibgorn: TL;DR: “Dutch tilts are fun!”

    Pluggers have no interests, hobbies, or lives.

  61. Dood
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @Dood (#58): Of course, that should be Mary Worth. I blame it on my oversize double keyboard like Mary has.

  62. Austria
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Arch: OMG THAT’S ARCHIE ON THE COMIC SHELF ARCHIE IS WITHIN THE ARCHIE UNIVERSE ARCHICEPTION AAAAAAAAGH

    FC: Jeffy has discovered firepower. Heaven help us.

    reFOOB: I wasn’t around for these early strips. I was born like a day or two after April was. My question is this: Was Elly always whining this much about men?

    MT: I think this may be the first time the phrase “Their gallbladders and other parts” has been used on the comics page. With any luck, it won’t be the last time.

  63. Dood
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    Memo to self: Work in “Is a bear’s gallbladder valuable?” into a conversation today.

  64. Doctor Handsome
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    “What’s on the agenda today?” “Nothing.” “No joke? Not even a lame pun, or something about me leching after you all creepily?” “‘Fraid not.” “Well, at least my office is a visually interesting background.”

  65. Nekrotzar
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    Given the rampant illiteracy throughout Hootin’ Holler, todays BGSS must be the least effective Farenheit 451 reference ever.

  66. BigTed
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    In a special Ray Bradbury-themed edition of “Barney Google and Snuffy Smith,” Snuffy and Lukey have gotten caught reading a book.

  67. Dale
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:20 am [Reply]

    BEETLE BAILEY -

    The Army is already redundant. We have Homeland Security.
    Think of all the feelings of safety, security, and up that they have brought you.

  68. Yahtzee
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    MW: As befits a legacy strip, “Mary Worth” has no idea how fast news travels now. Wilbur was in that cruise-ship disaster, what, two weeks ago? (In “Mary Worth” time, I mean. In real time I think it was maybe 2010.) That means the news cycle has moved way, way past first person reports. Wilbur would have had to tweet during the sinking, get the photos up on Instagram and Facebook within the hour, and blog his first-person account within 24 hours to get any significant play. Now he’s going to find out that somebody’s blurry phone-video footage of him hanging onto a pole and screaming has gone viral, and now there’s a meme where you set his desperate pleas for Dawn to leave him to dance music, or maybe the immortal “Yakety Sax.”

  69. Doctor Handsome
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    “If they’s volunteers, jest let ‘em go. I cain’t even get off ennymore if they’s inta it.”

  70. Marc
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail- How much is a Rusty gallbladder worth on the black market? Actually you could probably make a fortune if you captured the mutant alive and sold him to a research clinic. Modern science has never seen a creature like Rusty before so they’ll be absolutely ecstatic to be able to study him. That is until they actually get him there and he opens his mouth.

    Mary Worth- I see Wilbur has gotten to fat to be able to wear shirts with buttons anymore. He’s put out too many eyes having those buttons pop off. Now the only way to keep his shirt on, is to wear one one with a giant zipper going down the middle.

    A3G- Of course Evan’s grandmother didn’t dress him. His Aunt Cathy obviously dressed him. What are you some kind of moron?

    Archie- Archie is reading a book titles “PED”. Archie’s adventures are going to be a lot more interesting once he gets his roid rage.

    Funky- So they’re surprised that the mopey, shut in’s apartment looks like it was owned by a miserable, dorky loner?

    Cranky- So Crankshaft’s boundless rage stems from the train his father built him as a child. Somebody probably shold have caught on to his psychosis a little earlier.

    9CL- “We applaud Edda Burber tonight. Shitty co-worker, terrible girlfriend, entitled narcissist, total flake, and certifiable nutjob.”

    Luann- No Brad, you’e only in love with Toni because she’s the only chick over the course of your entire life, that has bothered to give you the time of day.

  71. Marc
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    @Anson Pants (#47): It’s the next step up from jazzercize.

  72. Chyron HR
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Between Friends – Here’s a choice that wasn’t so hard: keep reading this strip or F’ING DROPPED.

    Funky – You may not be movin’ on up, but at least you can get a piece of the (greasy, inedible) pie whenever you want.

    MW – Now that’s what I call an FPS (First-Person Snoozer).

  73. seismic-2
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    JP: “Oh no! There’s a skunk in my bed! Well, I sure won’t be sleeping there tonight! Now gee, whose bed can I sleep in? Hey Sam, I have an idea…”

    GT: “Even with one arm, I could still return to duty in the Army. Or, I could get another job using my college degree. But what I really want to do is become a high-school band director, so that I can hit on even more underage blonde chicks! All I have to do is first learn how to read music and then master that trick with the sexy sleeve-pinning!”

    Blondie: Now Dean Young pays for haircuts with cartoons?

    Archie is reading Pep comics? Is the Archie in that issue reading the newspaper funnies? I sense a Crisis on Infinite Riverdales is in the works.

  74. Agoraphobic Turtle
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Of course, “busy work” for Halftrack is porn.

  75. BigTed
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    “Relax, man, we’ve got the kid’s 1997-era 35-millimeter camera. Even if he was smart enough to keep the film, which — come on, this kid? — he’ll still have to take it all the way to Costco to be developed, and by the time it comes back seven days later, we’ll be knee-deep in bear intestines and having the time of our lives!”

  76. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    9CL: epic upskirt.

    Lio: win with Eschersauce, day two.

    Luann: aaaaand so is Brad.

    R&R: Baka Gaijin might find this unsettling today.

    SBp: cuz chimps and bananas are inherently funny!

    Bizarro: so do we, but she spells it differently. ;-)

    JP: not the first time there’s been some stanky tail in Avery’s bed. just sayin’.

    MG&G: /facepalm.

    RwO: /facepalm squared.

    SFx: meanwhile, in Louisiana . . .

    Retail: memetastic, hashtag gag, and I giggled.

  77. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . . wining, dining, and sixty-nining.

  78. Ian Beste
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @Braniff (#54): Cheap-ass dad got him an Essex-class, couldn’t even spring for an Enterprise or a Nimitz-class CV.

  79. Lawyerbob
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    MW: This is the first time the words “strong buzz” have ever been associated with Wilbur without an accompanying donut binge.

    MT: It’s like a daily demonstration of the Chomskyian linguistics principle that it is possible to create a sentence that has never been spoken before. I mean, really, “Yeah, their gallbladders and other parts are worth a fortune on the black market!”?

  80. Doctor Handsome
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    Sure, the boat wreck happened seven weeks ago, but I’m kind of impressed that Mary isn’t using a cathode ray tube monitor.

  81. Randy
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    MW: “Readers will be interested in my first-person perspective.” A true statement, but only if you define “readers” as “no one on this or any other planet.”

  82. Feral Canadian
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    won’t it be ironic when Mark punches one of these miscreants and their gallbladder ruptures?

  83. Dennis Jimenez
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#77): And safe sex is only out-of-town and never using a credit card or your real name….

  84. Dale
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL -

    Is this an old small house or a new small house? Is it the same place as the old miner’s cabin?
    Is it the miner or the cabin that is old?

    Why are they hanging around there? They have the camera. Get out of Dodge!

    Whenever I steal a camera containing incriminating evidence, I destroy the evidence and get rid of the camera.

    Finally, get another gun. It takes an incredible amount of trust in your “partner” to go on an armed crime spree knowing that only one of you has a gun.

  85. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

  86. Droopy Says
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    Mary 6079 Worth: “In the wake of tragedy, what can we learn? We learn–and this is a basic tenet of Ingsoc–that life in Charterstone is good. Life in Charterstone has always been good.”

    Mary leaned back, as far as her chair would permit the freedom to lean back, and smiled. It had been good to see Dawn Weston finally admit that life was not brutal and that 2 + 2 = 5. Tonight she would celebrate with Comrade O’Brien. After the meeting of the Anti-Sex League they would share salmon-flavored Victory Squares and–

    “Worth 6079 M!” a voice screamed from the talkbox. “Yes you! Back to work! It has been malreported that a girl was trampled in the sinking! Rectify!”

  87. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Randy (#81): Speaking of perspective, Mary also writes the first-person text pieces for Pibgorn. She’s versatile; able to bore readers to tears in a multitude of idioms.

  88. NoahSnark
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth looks like she is trying to do Wilbur’s job by pretending she is him. That pained look of despair is a delightful melange of gas pain, hemorrhoids and withered dignity.

  89. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    Cow & Boy: “Maybe USUS is just COUSCOUS without the COCO.” That’s a t-shirt, right there, man!

    Crock: There’s a fine old gag. I know the Three Stooges used it, so it must have been big in vaudeville. Hell, probably goes back to Plautus.

    MT: Chinese Traditional Medicine! I told you so! I’m with Muffaroo here: I have to admire the spirit of enterprise these two are showing. And one has to praise their knowledge of ursine anatomy. I must confess, if I killed a black bear, I wouldn’t even begin to know where to look for its gallbladder.

    // Ok, sure, somewhere on the inside… ok, google “where is bear gallstone”… drat the lousy cellphone coverage in these mountains…

    MW: While Wilbur and Eric Sevareid congratulate each other on their brilliant plan, Mary continues to do the heavy lifting.

    Pluggers: Are we supposed to feel pity for Pluggers, or contempt? I guess that’s the eternal question with this strip.

  90. seismic-2
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    DT: Clearly I’m missing something here, because it seems to me that criminals in comic strips almost always launch their nefarious activities “in an abandoned warehouse” in the seldom-trafficked part of town, for obvious reasons, rather than in the City Aquarium, which is overrun with tourists and city employees. Why does an Internet scam operate from a recreational facility? Isn’t that a bit like trying to manage a criminal scheme – OK, someone has to say it – “inside a goldfish bowl”? Are they really surprised that someone noticed?

  91. The Ridger
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:17 pm [Reply]

    JP: Soooooo…. Avery paid the guy to put the tame, trained skunk in the cabin? He is the one who drew attention to its presence, and warned Sam that it was “cocked and loaded”. And now it’s conveniently in his bed, so he’ll “have to” double up with Sam? You know, Avery might actually be pretty good at planning stuff.

  92. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#90): Ok, how about this for a guess: If they operated from the usual abandoned warehouse… yada yada… then the vast amount of internet traffic they generate would be noticed. Whereas, from the Aquarium, with its internationally known website, they’d be practically invisible. And they get free wi-fi.

    // And Joe’s Sushi is right there! (Try the all you can eat buffet lunch special!)

  93. Liam
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:31 pm [Reply]

    Repeating myself so these comments don’t get lost:

    MT-Now for no reason whatsoever let’s get up and go to the other side of the room to finish our conversation.

    FC-I see that negotiations have broken down.

    Archie-”Hey look! The new issue of “Marchie” is out. Oh, Marchie, when will you ever decide between Metty and Meronica.”

  94. Faoladh
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    Signs That It Has Been Far Too Long, #14985724390875698: You find yourself admiring the figure on Ms. Buxley from Beetle Bailey.

  95. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    For that matter, how do you know a bear’s gall bladder from, say, that of a strangely puppetlike kid? He’s got plenty of gall, the one I’m thinking of.

  96. Sequitur
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Archie: Archie will grab BOB which stands for Betty’s Outrageous Boobs. He’ll be disappointed that it’s not his Betty but 1950′s pinup model Betty Page. He’ll only be disappointed for a couple of seconds.

    MW: Is Mary using a Chinese keyboard?

  97. Holly Folly
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    My god look at that camera in Mark Trail. Just look at it. It’s one generation away from the model where you had to pour the flash powder into the pan and hide under a black sheet to take a picture. No wonder the poachers could get it from Rusty he probably couldn’t run more then a few steps before that metal and plastic box wore him down with it’s unceasing weight.

  98. SurrealKangaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:45 pm [Reply]

    I wish Snuffy was going to be burnt at the stake.

  99. Hibbleton
    August 29th, 2012 at 12:52 pm [Reply]

    Marm: If I’m reading this right, Phil’s phone is buried beneath a steaming pile of musical feces?

  100. Snarkotix Addict
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    FW – Can we get back to Becky killing her mom? This is really boring.

    A3G – Come on, Greg. You know you want him. But, you cruel bastard, you’ll drop him once you make it big.

  101. Snarkotix Addict
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:08 pm [Reply]

    Cshaft – I wanted to come up with some 25 year old snark, but I got nuthin.

  102. Sequitur
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    Well, it’s not a bear, but…

    Does Poteet know about this?

  103. McManx
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:10 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#77): May I use this line on my wife for our next date night? So far, the best I’ve managed is Chugs, Grub, and Otterrubs.

  104. seismic-2
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#92): I suppose that “hide in plain sight” reasoning of working from a city aquarium’s Web site does make sense for an Internet crime ring. After all, on the Internet no one know you’re a Phish.

    // And yes, they of course are engaged in “phishing”. After all, this is the Fish.net gang, right? Although wearing fishnet stockings over their heads when robbing banks is a disguise of questionable effectiveness.

  105. Poteet
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    MT — What’s with all the neat clean abandoned cabins in this strip? Here we see another cabin that is neater than my house, let alone the average abandoned outbuilding. Where are the spiders, mice, flies, moths, and beetles, not to mention raccoon families and their prolific poop? And yes, high-end poachers with functioning cerebrums don’t settle down and spread tablecloths in abandoned houses in their work areas. Whatever horrible disease eats away the human brains in LoFo, let’s hope it never reaches the outside world.

  106. Poteet
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#102): Ooh, interesting! Makes me wonder about certain beards I’ve seen. And I like that new word “distiction.” Maybe it was supposed to be “disdicktion.”

  107. Rocky Stoneaxe
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    @Faoladh (#94): The Ms. Buxley of 2012 is more suited for midget porn than the real world. I’ve never seen it mentioned here before, but the characters Mort Walker created in 1950 had longer, leaner bodies than they do now. With newspapers devoting less and less space to comic strips, the characters in Beetle Bailey have become downright dwarfish.

  108. LanceThruster
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    MT – Why is the depiction of the human form so bad here that the characters look like Supermarionation?

  109. Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    Yum, I just love poached bear gall bladders, don’t you?

    Those words coming from Mary’s monitor– are those Mary’s or some pitiful, desperate soul (perhaps Dawn) seeking attention? Or both?

  110. Dood
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Ah, yes, we’ll certainly all be interested in the doughy first-person perspective of Santa Royale’s “area man.”

  111. Alter Ego
    August 29th, 2012 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    love is… overspending to impress her, then going cheap once you’ve landed her. (True love is… she doesn’t mind going cheap. :-)

  112. Calico
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    Mary looks like an anvil landed on her cranium.
    She’ll never lose her head, that one!

    (Or, she may be suffering from massive constipation)

  113. Greg
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    Snuffy: Am I the only one who gets a little tingle upon seeing Snuffy and his Old- Testament patriarch buddy tied up 50 Shades of Grey-style? Imagine the possibilities! The movie! The torrents of vomit!

  114. Uncle Lumpy
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#107):

    … the characters Mort Walker created in 1950 had longer, leaner bodies than they do now.

    Alas, so did we all. Barely-chunky-by-today’s-standards Sarge looked fat in the 1950′s, but had to bulk up a lot to keep pace with the rest of us. And “skinny” 1950′s Beetle would look terminally ill today.

  115. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    MT: Whoa! Slick there is dropping factlets as if he were Mark Trail and this was Sunday!

    MW: Meanwhile Mary, looking as never before like Don Vito Corleone in drag, pulls the strings.

    SSmith: “I tole you boys. You’re not the ones who do the witch burnins. That’s the Parson’s lookout.”

    FW: “If you see any porn lying around, it’s not mine. If you come across a half-made pipe bomb, ditto.”

    9CL: Edda looks like she’s about to be knighted by the queen. Why yes, the jokes do write themselves.

    JP: Woody Wilson’s distant memories of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” resurface in a strange way.

    RMMD: “Read the rictus of overpowering terror on my face as I back away and pick up a book on demonology.”

    DT: ICWUDT, “Phishface.” A humanoid catfish triple-billing suckers on the Internet is new to Dick Tracy, I’m pretty sure. I’m guessing he has an associate named 419 who can impersonate any member of the Nigerian royal family.

    Blondie: $5 and he’ll still wind up looking like Wolverine’s wimpy little brother.

    6C: Yeah, the world may not be ready for the “daisies ‘n’ intestines” pattern.

    FC: And Jeffy begins a lifetime of overcompensation.

    DtM: Dennis is to blame for his mother’s OCD, apparently.

    Luann: Brad is so full of shit, it’ll be a severe environmental hazard if he ever gets stuck with a pin.

    SFx: I see what Slylock’s plan is. Ham sandwich for lunch, steak for dinner.

    H&J: “… to Jamaal.”

    A3G: See? Margo and Greg aren’t even dating yet, and they already have a couple activity: belittling Evan.

  116. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#105):

    Whatever horrible disease eats away the human brains in LoFo, let’s hope it never reaches the outside world.

    Or as the mysterious scientists running the Lost Forest experiment call it, “the control group.”

  117. seismic-2
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#114): Indeed. In the first half pf the 20th century the Army really had very little problem with obesity among recruits; rather, it had a real problem with how many men had to be turned away because according to the official height/weight tales they were medically underweight. (That was considered a serious problem because it could be a sign of serious or chronic illness, which was quite often tuberculosis.)

  118. Ian Beste
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#93): Archie That must be the Smarch issue…

  119. seismic-2
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#117): Er… “tables”, not “tales”.

  120. Dood
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:28 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Next week, Wilbur can write a harrowing multipart first-person account about the kid who ran him over with a Big Wheel.

  121. Dood
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Is Mary writing “Ask Wendy” or programming Deep Blue?

  122. Dennis Jimenez
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#121): Deep Blue – is that what she call’s Dr. Jeff’s, um, er, shall we say, “medical probe”…..

  123. Peanut Gallery
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:33 pm [Reply]

    Frank & Ernest – “I christen thee, Andrew Minute Maid Sovereign Bank FirstEnergy Jones! Junior.”

  124. Dood
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “Absolutely! What were we talking about again, Weston?”

  125. commodorejohn
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    A3G – “No, they don’t have names. They do have nightmarish moaning sounds that they use in place of them, but I’d need another trachea to properly reproduce them.”

    BS – Somewhere deep inside Ballard Street, hidden behind layers of elaborate textual and graphic cryptography, is the True Name of God.

    Curtis – Did Michelle join the Illuminati?

    DT – Finally, some people I can’t wait to see die a horrible death!

    Garfield – So the Big Change of Garfield‘s last few years has effectively worked out to adding a second Garfield with breasts and lips to the cast. Huh.

    HN – Devious!

    JP – Ha ha ha, rock on, skunk.

    Luann – Shit, when Brad of all people has meaningful advice for your approach to relationships, you are just plain fucked. That’s like getting advice on art from Donna A. Lewis.

    Mandrake – …I’m sorry, when did Mandrake turn into The Mask?

    MW – So Mary has one of those wacky-ass split keyboards that were trendy in the ’90s, only it’s not even an “ergonomic” design? Smart shopper, that Mary.

    Monty – And Monty pulls off having an acid trip in the funny pages. Brooke McEldowney only wishes he was this subversive.

    PBS – Dear God, that’s a thing? Why would you do that?

    Popeye – The end.

    SM – Yes, this is definitely how the police work.

  126. Peanut Gallery
    August 29th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#Y273): Well, blow me down! This changes everything!

    JP – The Warner Brothers cartoon references continue. “And there he is, still been sleeping in my bed!”

  127. Perky Bird
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Luann: I’m an only child, but can some of you non-singletons fill me in here–do younger sisters routinely stand in the bathroom and discuss their love life while their older brothers are going through their personal grooming routines? And if so, do the older brothers actually not mind this behavior?

  128. Poteet
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

  129. Alter Ego
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Sigh. Dingo used to talk about aphrodisiacal bear penises.

    (Dingo was cool. Not like that wanker Dave.)

  130. Poteet
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#45): Maybe they’ll tone it down and go shoplift some window treatments instead.

  131. Artist formerly known as Ben
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#6):

    ASM Something tells me that the kid with the popcorn thought it would be a great idea to drop a tab of acid and go see Spiderman fight a supervillain clown at the circus. Looks like it’s finally kicking in….

    Maybe those of us reading it should follow his example.

  132. Liam
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    MW-We can learn that life is brutal.

    MT-I’ve heard that a black bear’s gallbladder can cure impotency because medical science have yet to come up with a cure for it.

  133. Poteet
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#127): I have three sibs and I cannot imagine doing what Brad and Luann are doing. I tried imagining it and my brain hurt. Also, even if my brother and I had ever tried something like this (and I can only imagine doing it because we were being paid), I think I can safely say that if either of us had begun patronizingly pontificating about how the essence of love is selflessness, the other one would have left the room and handed back the money, probably after delivering a loud raspberry. Maybe other families are different.

  134. Peanut Gallery
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    Is there a new artist on RMMD? The faces look different this week. Especially the eyes.

  135. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#132): Just stay away from the polar bear liver.

  136. Peanut Gallery
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#41): So today’s puzzle is, how can Slylock get all the other animals into the bear’s stomach in the minimum number of river crossings, without ever being left alone with the bear himself? (Bonus: Arrange the steps so that Mad Max Mouse is the last to be eaten.)

  137. Poteet
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#134): Whoa. June looks kinda scary. That’s new.

  138. SF_Reader
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    MW – Those aren’t Wilbur’s hands. That’s Dawn standing behind him putting her hands out and yelling, “C’mon, pull my finger!” It’s what she learned in the wake of tragedy.

  139. Peanut Gallery
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#61): Mary Worth’s custom keyboard enables her to answer two letters at once — one with each hand. She’s multi-meddling!

  140. Calico
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:29 pm [Reply]

    @Greg (#113):
    I thought it odd that the FD would be the ones to truss them up like that.
    I think a new genre has just been created – Corn Pone Porn

  141. Peanut Gallery
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    MT – Wouldn’t it be easier, safer, more profitable, and less environmentally damaging to sell counterfeit animal parts than to go to all the trouble of poaching real ones? Would the customers know the difference?

  142. bats :[
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#134): I’ve been wondering this myself. For the past few months, the word balloon have been distinctive and different, and the drawing of figures has been simplified. Makes me sad.

  143. KreatureFeatures
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#16): No, you win this round, Chareth. Like so many of the phony ideals espoused by Mary Worth, a bolt upright keyboarding posture is both painful and pointless:
    135-degree sitting article from BBC News

  144. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:41 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#73):

    “Blondie: Now Dean Young pays for haircuts with cartoons?”

    Next, rest room attendents.

  145. bats :[
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#137): in the Auld Days, June would look REALLY scary.

  146. Calico
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#114):
    The first few years of Peanuts looked very different as well, with the kids looking almost compressed and Snoopy looking brooding, with a long snout and squat posture. You can kind of see the evolution via the Xmas animation.

    Also, looking at these old CS comics makes me want to throw up. I actually prefer the newer Ed to the old, shriveled, truly mean-ass semi-demented coot he used to be.

  147. Stroker Ace
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    BB – Smokin’ hot Miss Buxley should be on the Weather Channel – obviously her current job stinks. Although she is no Stephanie Abrams, Pluggers would love to watch her talk about fronts, hurricanes,etc. … Pluggers like me anyway.

  148. _Liz
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    “Blue Boys”! Hahaha! how does Cloud 9 come UP with this stuff?

  149. Barto
    August 29th, 2012 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    MW: FYI the paper of record for Santa Royale (aka Santa Barbara) is the Santa Barbara News-Suppressed (aka the Santa Royale News-Suppressed).

  150. odinthor
    August 29th, 2012 at 4:33 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#127):

    There is potential master’s thesis material in pondering the comics world strange ethos in relation to bathrooms. In Blondie, Dennis the Menace, and now Luann—and surely many others will come to mind upon reflection—we see that there is neither privacy nor the expectation of privacy, with regular and unchallenged intrusions not only of family members of any age group or sex, but also of neighbors and their children, construction workers and their ilk, and I’m pretty sure that shaving or bathing Dagwood has had the pleasure of entertaining the mailman in his salle de bain more than once. In this paper, we will [...insert appropriate content depending upon whether this is for a degree in Sociology, Psychology, Art, Industrial Design, Dance, or Agriculture...]. [...Main content, likewise...] Thus we see undeniable proof of the surprising but irrefragable conclusions to which our data has led us. In closing, I would like to extend my heart-felt thanks to [...names of influential department Ph.D.s...] whose outstanding contributions to this field over the years have had such an impact on real progress throughout the world, not only in this discipline, but in global culture as a whole.

  151. Joey Lima Bean
    August 29th, 2012 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    The transition from a legal-themed soap strip called Judge Parker to a fairy-tale funny called Stinky-Ass & The Two Mopes was so gradual no one noticed it

    The transition of Ask Wendy from a column where writers-in solicited advice on any number of topics into a column where Mary manufactures incoming letters so she can write on preferred topics was so boring not even Karen Moy noticed it.

    @McManx (#28), @pastordan (#35) & @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#48): : The transition of Nancy into Zippy and Zippy into Nancy was so sudden, only a few ‘Mudgeons noticed it.

  152. pugfuggly
    August 29th, 2012 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#131):

    *swallows tab*

    *checks spiderman again*

    Nope, just as stupid and boring as usual. Think I’ll go play with that fire-breathing unicorn outside….

  153. Baka Gaijin
    August 29th, 2012 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#76): Red and Rover? Poodlehead doesn’t squick me out. If he had on some face paint, yeah, that’d be a fright.

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#85): Edible clown meat? Mixed feelings here. I obviously support killing of all clowns (except Clown-9). Eating the remains? Not so much.

    @Joey Lima Bean (#151): Today’s Nancy wasn’t a manga?

  154. tallyHO
    August 29th, 2012 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    Spider-Man:
    So the police aim to just stand around and not interfere so Clown-9 does a little vehicular assault on them. Right. I guess they will get up off the ground, keep their guns holstered and get back to just standing around.

    Mark Trail: C’mon, Jack Elrod. Do the right thing! Release the bears!

    Popeye: Your storyline is dead to me.

    Pluggers: Dadadadadadad Dadadadadadada! Catman!

    A3G: OK. Where did the tie come from? He’s dissing Evan’s wardrobe and what he is wearing really doesn’t look that different though now, as opposed to Yesterday, the movie star is wearing a tie? Continuity, Begone!

  155. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#141): MT – Wouldn’t it be easier, safer, more profitable, and less environmentally damaging to sell counterfeit animal parts than to go to all the trouble of poaching real ones? Would the customers know the difference?

    Would you really want to be the one caught selling fake tiger penises or bogus rhino horn to Chinese gangsters? Of course CTM is all hooey – utterly worthless sympathetic magic – but the guys who buy and sell it are perfectly capable of using the most sophisticated science to verify the product. Spectroscopic analysis, DNA, what ever it takes.

    // People are strange.

  156. tallyHO
    August 29th, 2012 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    @Joey Lima Bean (#151):

    On Nancy, I’m a recent convert to reading it regularly (enough). I remember when they were auditioning for a replacement years ago and I just never bothered seeing how it all played out.

    That said, I like the semiotics they have going on in it. Words are optional. Most comics books/strips don’t dare do that so it is nice to see.

    One of my qualms with the Zippy’s I see is that it is so word dense that I don’t feel like bothering to read it. Nancy, in my opinion, skirts around that rather well.
    Each panel has space to breath.

  157. Liam
    August 29th, 2012 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    MW-Poor Mary forced to use a technology she doesn’t understand in a world she can’t meddle in.

    Snuffy Smith-Snuffy, stop starting fires just so you can put them out.

    Beetle Bailey-Why don’t you “dicktate” a letter? I’m sure Ms. Buxley can take your “dicktation”.

  158. tallyHO
    August 29th, 2012 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#155):

    Throw in some over-the-counterfeit viagra for free and the buyers wont’ complain one bit.

  159. Señor Tortilla
    August 29th, 2012 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    MW: Wilbur–the Human Rayman.

    Crankshaft: Why does this remind me unironically of Calvin & Hobbes?

  160. Der Schnärkïnätör
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:09 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#70):

    Mark Trail- How much is a Rusty gallbladder worth on the black market? Actually you could probably make a fortune if you captured the mutant alive and sold him to a research clinic. Modern science has never seen a creature like Rusty before so they’ll be absolutely ecstatic to be able to study him. That is until they actually get him there and he opens his mouth.

    Even the most brave of researchers will run in terror once they see Rusty’s Face morphing from one state to another!

  161. Señor Tortilla
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    JP: I thought Avery was supposed to be cross-eyed?

    FW: Remember–Pete and Darin were once Act II’s Act I-era Funky and Les.

  162. SideshowJon
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    Googled “Bear gallbladder poaching” and learned that it really is a thing. I am generally impressed and disappointed in myself for learning something from Mark Trail

  163. Greg K
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth has “man hands”!

    And I swear I’m counting six digits on her right hand.

  164. Chaze
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    Based on Avery’s fart potential, Sam is probably better off sleeping with the skunk.

  165. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    Know how to tell you’re overthinking Mary Worth?
    You’re thinking about Mary Worth.

  166. Liam
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    MT-”Inside a small house but not the same house that Rusty saw. This is one completely different and a few doors down from the house that Rusty saw.”

    MW-Never have your friends hold an intervention for a guy that is stalking you. It will cause him to drink and then drive off the road.

  167. Chaze
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers – I can only imagine the racket when Mr Fatcat starts purring.

    MT – In a matter of seconds, the very handy poacher managed to move the hook holding the brown jacket from the very unfavorable right hand side of the window to the much more favorable left side. Both men agreed the feng shui of the room had been improved as they plotted to steal animal organs.

    Overhearing this, Rusty thought, “Organs? I didn’t know bears played musical instruments!”

  168. demoncat
    August 29th, 2012 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    mw yes yes at long last wilbur is thinking my ship has come it and soon i will be able to get out of town and be free from mary. as she tries to figure out what advice she should give to the person who wrote her. how best to use her meddling powers. rm. nice try sarah but june is smarter they you think she is no cell unless you can get daddy to okay it or heather

  169. Zerowolf
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:01 pm [Reply]

    MW: What is it with comic strip keyboards? They all look like they are drawn by someone who has heard of the concept, but has never actually seen one.

  170. Chaze
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:03 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – “Uhhhh, mom, I’m having a tough time focusing on your lips while your right eye has grown to twice its normal size”

    MW – Mary seems to have left the coat hanger in her jacket.

    Frazz – yeah, every kid in town runs directly to Frazz to tell him everything. Very soon, Frazz will start playing his horn and all the kids will follow him out of Frazzville, just like the evil Pied Piper he really is.

  171. Chaze
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:05 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#169): Mary is a Romulan. Geez, haven’t you ever seen a Romulan keyboard before?

  172. commodorejohn
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @Chaze (#170): Wah!? Frazz can’t be evil, he rides a bike! That automatically makes him a saint!

  173. Chaze
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:16 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#172): Yes, but studies have shown that triathletes are evil.

  174. The Ridger
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Okay, someone who’s been reading this strip longer than I have, pleeeeease tell me: are we meant to think Seth seriously thinks Edda is “the best of friends”???

  175. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    MW: It is a shame that pearl choker doesn’t choke her.

  176. seismic-2
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    MW: “Dear Wendy: In the wake of tragedy, what can we learn? – Funky

    “Dear Funky: In the particular case of the recent sinking of the Italian cruise ship, on the basis of just who survived, probably the lesson to be learned is that shit floats.”

  177. Calico
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:54 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#139):
    Mary is having a fantasy in which she believes she is Keith Emerson.

  178. Morgan Wick
    August 29th, 2012 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    By the way, because I’m a complete nerd with too much free time, I decided to take the time to count up how often Josh (and Lumpy) snark on certain comics. I did so by taking the number of pages each comic’s archive link has, subtracting one, multiplying by six, and then adding the number of posts on the last page, so it’s basically just a count of posts in each category and a) includes posts with a tangential relationship to the strip that are in the category anyway and b) is something that Josh could count fairly easily (or at least, easier than I did) in wp-admin, but I thought it would be interesting for the rest of you.

    Comics that ranked higher than I expected: The Family Circus, Beetle Bailey, Luann, Blondie. Comics that ranked lower than I expected: Marvin, Shoe, Momma, The Lockhorns.

    To my knowledge, the list is complete for comics with over 60 posts, unless Josh had a, say, Mandrake the Magician fix once upon a time I never stumbled across. The top 25 and a few other notables (through this post):

    1. Mary Worth – 848 posts
    2. Apartment 3-G – 793
    3. Mark Trail – 648
    4. Gil Thorp – 473
    5. Family Circus – 404
    6. Rex Morgan, M.D. – 365
    7. Judge Parker – 329
    8. Spider-Man – 286
    9. Beetle Bailey – 267
    10. Pluggers – 266
    11. Funky Winkerbean – 260
    12. Slylock Fox – 210
    13. Dennis the Menace – 201
    14. Crankshaft – 196
    15. Dick Tracy – 190
    16. For Better or for Worse – 189
    17. Luann – 178
    18. Blondie – 176
    19. Barney Google and Snuffy Smith – 172
    20. Marmaduke – 171
    21. Hi and Lois – 169
    22. Marvin – 167
    23. Archie – 151
    24. Ziggy – 150
    25. Curtis – 136
    26. Shoe – 134
    29. The Phantom – 121
    30. They’ll Do It Every Time – 100
    33. Momma – 86
    34. The Lockhorns – 85
    T36. Six Chix – 64

  179. odinthor
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:00 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#174):

    To some degree, it’s the called-for histrionic eloquence [anglice: lies] which is deemed appropriate to ceremonial occasions. In general, it is felt that saying something such as “Eh, this is the last company performance of this bothersome bitch. Good riddance” somewhat dampens the hoped-for festive spirit of the event. To some other degree, however, it’s the theatricality of one show biz sort emoting about another who, in this case, was not only a dance partner but also a room-mate. Profuse tears and the conspicuous usage of a large hanky or two are on the track and should be arriving at the station any moment now.

  180. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    @Morgan Wick (#178): You do have too much time on your hands. Get a woman. She’d love it if you spent that much time on her.

  181. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:23 pm [Reply]

    @Morgan Wick (#178): Good for you! Hooray for science, and all that.

    Would you explain, please: “taking the number of pages each comic’s archive link has, subtracting one, multiplying by six, and then adding the number of posts on the last page”? I don’t quite see what you’re doing there.

  182. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#181): Oh, wait. Of course. Never mind.

  183. Droopy Says
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#155): Would you really want to be the one caught selling fake tiger penises or bogus rhino horn to Chinese gangsters?

    Wouldn’t it be worse to sell real tiger penises to the Ten Tigers? If I ever test that proposition I’ll wear my lucha libre mask.

  184. tallyHO
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    A Hootin’ Holler Hooters.

    I could see the Sheriff the Judge opening one of those.
    The Parson would try to shut it down but he needs to keep up his energy
    and a healthy, ample lunch is worth having.

    Though, most likely, the Buff’lo wings would be made out of pretzel-twisted, deep-fried, varmint tails.

  185. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#183): Wouldn’t it be worse to sell real tiger penises to the Ten Tigers? If I ever test that proposition I’ll wear my lucha libre mask.

    Do let us know how it goes. I’m sure we will all follow your future career with the greatest interest.

    // Business Plan
    1. Collect tiger penises.
    2. Sell to Ten Tiger Tong
    3. Profit!

  186. Zerowolf
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#184): No lunch is worth seeing Loweezy Smith wearing the Hooter’s uniform.

  187. Edwin Herdman
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    Hey readers, been a while.

    Non Sequitir reads like a criticism of “gun free zone” signs today. Alright, so much for your daily dose of politics.

    Say “BRAC” to somebody in Beetle Bailey’s world, and they’ll automatically assume that

    a.) You said “Bric-a-” first, and they’ll be embarrassingly reminded that they didn’t have anything for the base charity sale
    b.) You’re calling for somebody (either Zero or Halftrack’s secretary; what’s equality?) to grab a toilet brush and get to work
    c.) You’re referring to what will happen to Beetle when Sarge finds out he’s been sleeping instead of cleaning the latrine four times today.

  188. tallyHO
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:07 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#186):

    But, but, she’d be the bust of the business!

    There’d be a line out the door waiting for her shift to start! (and let’s hope the restaurant has enough space so those in line can actually make it inside to sit, eat and stare. )

    Lordy knows, I wouldn’t rely on that Volunteer Fire Department/ S’labory Ring to try and control an overflowing crowd or the eventual Grease Fire that will undoubtedly occur in an Unsanctioned Franchise (the only kind that would open in Hootin’ Holler).

  189. Edwin Herdman
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#185): Sir, you’ve left out the obligatory “Step 3: ????” and in this case it would appear that it is more uncertain than usual.

  190. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#182): Well now, you’re going to have to explain it to me, because I don’t understand.

  191. Poteet
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    Cul de Sac — Thompson is providing more wonderfulness in this last month than some cartoonists provide in a decade. I’m grateful and sad.

  192. Charterstoned
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    MW – Mary works her machine like an accomplished organist, plying the multiple ranks of her keyboard as she no doubt works the foot pedals of her special Ask Wendy computer.

  193. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:25 pm [Reply]

    @Joey Lima Bean (#151): You must be prepared for when the Zen moment arrives, grasshopper.

  194. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#190): There are six instances of the comic in question on each of the archive pages (click on the the “filed under” note on each thread), except for the last page, which may be any number from one to six. Therefore:

    total number of entries for each comic = ((number of pages in archive – 1)) * 6 + (number of entries on last page)

    Q.E.D.

  195. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:29 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#194): Oh, minced oath! That’s the thing we weren’t supposed to explain to you! You tricked me!

    // Help, Mr. Wizard!

  196. Ride Dem Haunches
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#195): Mr. Wizard can’t help you now, Tooter. Uncle Lumpy is SO going to ground you!

  197. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#194): Ah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see, I really do…

  198. Peanut Gallery
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#195): It’s okay, as long as we don’t tell him how to do the multiplication on a slide rule.

  199. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:39 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#195): Oh, Jeebus! Don’t talk to me about Mr. Wizard! Aieee!!

    Mr. Wizard was the alter-ego of my eighth-grade chemistry teacher. He would put on this cap and gown and give a half-assed, garbled “edu-tational” lecture. Or he’d rant to us for half an hour or forty-five minutes about how the Packers were doing that week (this is back when Bart Starr ran things, so it was always awful), then say “Anyway, here’s today’s experiment,” which he’d explain for about thirty seconds and then flop us if we didn’t get it.

    Worst. Teacher. Ever.

    No Mr. Wizard!

  200. commodorejohn
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    @Zerowolf (#186), @tallyHO (#188): The mere talk of this has caused my junk to retract so far back into my body that I think I’m now legally a woman. Thanks a whole fuckin’ lot.

  201. Peanut Gallery
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#199): Okay, no Mr. Wizard. I liked Mr. Peabody better anyway.

    Speaking of slide rules, did you know Pickett once made an electronic version of their Model 4? It had a nickel-cadmium battery pack that was notorious for its long recharging times.

    Sherman: I never heard of such a thing, Mr. Peabody!

    Peabody: You never heard of… Pickett’s Charge??

    (trombone)

  202. Alison
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:55 pm [Reply]

    @Perky Bird (#127):
    I don’t have an older brother, but I have two younger brothers. I wouldn’t stand around talking to them while they were shaving and putting on deodorant, myself. Then again, my brother and I watched “The Human Centipede” together, and some people would argue that is much more icky than watching your sibling shave…

    “Mary Worth”: I would pay for Mary to write back: “Hell I know”. Just once, I’d like to see her run out of holier-than-thou advice.

  203. Alison
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:56 pm [Reply]

    “Hell if I know”, I meant, but either way it will never happen. (*Sigh*)

  204. Crazy Jay
    August 29th, 2012 at 9:57 pm [Reply]

    A Field Grade Officer with nothing to do? Some where there is an E-5 saying, “Well, fuck me running. I’m screwd now.”

  205. UNCLE LUMPY!!!
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:05 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#195):

    That’s the thing we weren’t supposed to explain to you!

    WHAT’S ALL THIS THEN???!!!

  206. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:06 pm [Reply]

    @Crazy Jay (#204): Nah, the E-5 is too busy beating up Beetle Bailey.

  207. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#201): Oh, dear me. How long have you been saving that one? Nothing like a well-ripened jeu d’esprit!

  208. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    @UNCLE LUMPY!!! (#205): Please beat him lightly, Sir, just a little around the ribs and behind the ears. He was trying to explain higher mathematics to a divine, a bad idea I’ll grant…

  209. Nehemiah Scudder
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    @UNCLE LUMPY!!! (#205): Gee! Hi, there Uncle Lumpy. My, you’re looking well! Gosh, yawn, I feel so tired. Guess I’ll go take a nice long nap. ‘Bye everybody!

  210. UNCLE LUMPY!!!
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:12 pm [Reply]

    מנא ,מנא, תקל, ופרסין!!!

  211. A Smirch Unheeded
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    Anybody seen Nehemiah? Hey, what’s this funny writing on the wall here? Looks like Gaelic. Must be time for some usquebaugh!

  212. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    @UNCLE LUMPY!!! (#210): That means “Lights out for Nehemiah Scudder”!

    –Prophet Daniel

  213. Mr. Wizard the Lizard
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#195):
    Ah, Tooter, be vat you iz not vat you iz not. People who do are the happier lot.

    //Now, vot iz dis Nehemiah Scudder bit?

    @UNCLE LUMPY!!! (#210):
    Ach! Der handwriting on ze vall? Dot vas you?

  214. Morgan Wick
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    @Honey Badger, Does not give a shit (#180): Sadly, I suspect she’d be more like “HOW COME YOU DON’T SPEND THAT MUCH TIME ON ME???”

  215. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. Wizard the Lizard (#213): You can’t fool me. You’re no “Mr. Wizard the Lizard.” You’re that rotten child-beating Captain from the Katzenjammer Kids!

  216. A Smirch Unheeded
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    As a final point, females don like men who will be grammatically challenged. Should you going ???????????? to train her to have a mostly text partnership, then at the least spell the right way.

    I couldn’t have put it better myself, soon to be disappeared Spam guy!

  217. Mr. Wizard the Lizard
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    @pastordan (#215): Don’t vorry. Got still luvs you.

  218. Ian Beste
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    @http://trouble10086.tumblr.com/post/30428750819/available-for-you (#216): and you dress extremely seasonable
    but your entry here is quite treasonable
    …you’re a spam!
    a spam!
    a spam!
    yes you’re a spam!
    a spam!
    a spam!
    and you’re gonna get DELETED!

  219. pastordan
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

  220. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#107): Chibi-fication gets us all in the end.

    Disturbingly, the end goal is a mixture of anime, Love Is… and Family Circus tots.

  221. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    Draizel, dreezel, drozzel, drome;
    Made-up words for a cheesy poem.

  222. A Smirch Unheeded
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#221): Cheesy perhaps, but gouda ‘nuf.

  223. Spiff Bereft
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    MW: If there’s a Lifetime movie in this, Wilbur will be played by Delta Burke.

  224. Uncle Lumpy
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:37 pm [Reply]

    @A Smirch Unheeded (#216), @Ian Beste (#218):

    My finger, having writ, moves on.

  225. tallyHO
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:49 pm [Reply]

  226. tallyHO
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    @Spiff Bereft (#223):

    That would be epic casting.

    //she’s still alive, right?

  227. tallyHO
    August 29th, 2012 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    @A Smirch Unheeded (#222):

    Hey! If it is a gouda nuff for you, it is gouda nuff for me.

  228. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    August 30th, 2012 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#174): From what I can tell, she’s his only friend. So, yeah.

  229. tallyHO
    August 30th, 2012 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Whew! For a while there I thought I killed Mr. Thread!

  230. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    August 30th, 2012 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    SPEAK TO ME, MR. THREAD!!

  231. Mr. Thaddeus T. Thread
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:03 am [Reply]

    KAFF kaff eeeyuuurk!

    It’s…getting darker…where are ya Ma?

  232. Mr. Thaddeus T. Thread
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    I…wheeeeeze….I almost had it…they…heeeeeeeeuurp…they said ya can’t catch a…. that you can’t catcha…

    wheeeeeeze….

    a freight train….

    I’m hear to tell ya….koff KAFF…a guy can’t catcha break!

  233. Comcis Fan
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    MW: Is Mary in love … with Dawn?

  234. Poteet
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    MW — Oh come on. Now Dawn looks like the protagonist in THE SONG OF BERNADETTE. Soon she’ll be seeing visions.

  235. Poteet
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    FW — Why did Batiuk beat that poor kid with the super-ugly stick? Seriously, cancer might be a welcome release.

  236. Poteet
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    MT — That’s right, Rusty, just blurt out every thought that wanders into your head. Thought balloons are for wimps.

  237. Erich Clapton
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#230): When last seen, Mr. Thread was out back with Resusi-Annie smoking. Don’t what they were smoking, but it sorta smelled like the time in 1975 when I saw Led Zeppelin.

  238. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#27): Well, you’ve gotten a small part of your wish, anyway.

    Where did that third dancer come from, though?

  239. Baka Gaijin
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:18 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#200): Yup. Loweezy at Hooters, galactic wang shriveler. I think the DSM-IV has a diagnosis specifically for this. Alas, there only know cures involve lobotomy and castration.

  240. Poteet
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:23 am [Reply]

    STONE SOUP — Get that poor snake out of the grip of that demon child or I’ll shoot it, and I do mean the child. Don’t make me warn you again.

  241. Girl Reporter
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#239): Do they have 99-cent wang night at Hooters?

  242. Poteet
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#240): And I think I have to call bullshit on this story. A small snake doesn’t growl. Geez.

  243. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#242): I’ve known them to buzz (as by vibrating their tails) but, yeah.

    Pibgorn: Oh, McE. What are we to do with you?

    //I don’t know which is more amusing to believe, that he doesn’t know what “hoo-ha” is slang for, or that he does.

  244. Erich Clapton
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    FW: Okay Mopey, once again. Take the .22 pistol (preferably the Ruger with LR), place the muzzle in the small indentation at the base of the skull and pull the trigger. That should wipe that smirk off his face. A wonderful by product: It’ll shut him up. Then, you need to track down Les, Funky, Band Mom, Lefty, and the kids that wear the sherpa hats in summer. This list can grow, you know.

  245. Baka Gaijin
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:51 am [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#241): I think you’re confusing Hooters with its brother restaurant chain, Sausages.

  246. tallyHO
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:56 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#245):

    At Hooters apparently they have an owl as part of their logo.

    At Sausages…hotchie motchie! yikes. woopwoopwoop

    I don’t wanna talk about it.

  247. Girl Reporter
    August 30th, 2012 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#245): Ooooohhhh, right. The place where the buff waiters’ short-shorts have a cartoon of a rooster printed on the crotch. What!? Because they serve breakfast there, of course! Get your filthy mind out of the gutter. I go there for the food.

  248. tallyHO
    August 30th, 2012 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail:

    Isn’t there a song that goes something like

    Giant Mouse
    That lives in the Slingshot Tree

    //that slingshot tree is one tough-talking slingshot tree!

    “Yeah! Keep duh plane grounded or I’m taking ya down with this Giant Field Mouse! If he don’t take your plane down, he will annoy you as you try ta get rid of him! He’s a big annoyance that Giant Mou—-OW! He bit me!”

  249. tallyHO
    August 30th, 2012 at 2:04 am [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#247):

    See that’s just the thing. You go there too early in the morning and let’s just say if you get there at the crack of dawn, the cock crows. It can be intimidating and annoying when they insist on pointing to the tip jar.

    I was like: How much more do you need?!?

  250. Baka Gaijin
    August 30th, 2012 at 2:21 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#249): Sigh, Dave’s cock crowed at the crack of Dawn. Life is brutal.

  251. Uncle Lumpy
    August 30th, 2012 at 2:26 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#250):

    Har — I mean, shame on you!

  252. Droopy Says
    August 30th, 2012 at 3:02 am [Reply]

    Spider-Bland: Make up your mind, officer. Are you going to protect the public or let the super-dorks battle it out? Jeeze, just yesterday Asi9 promised you lots of collateral damage. Do you think that means he’s going to tear up some mortgage papers? Granted, the crowd deserves the first group Darwin Award, but any injuries will take up EMT and ER services, and probably raise the circus’s insurance rates.

    FU, W: I forget. Which of these idiots is going to New York, and which one is shacked up with the chick? And I forget why I’m supposed to care.

    Mock Trail: So Rusty is going to steal back his camera, which wil prompt the bad mens to return to LoFo to snatch it from him, causing Rusty to find a new way to get it back. I can’t wait for Trail to return and break the cycle of stupidity with his own dumbness. (And what’s this about the plane? Do the bad mens have a strip in the mountains, or do they commute to a distant airport? And why do they live so close to the scene of their crime?)

    Jugs Parker: Bea, please be lying to the Boobsy Twins.

    Pluggers: Who’s the adult in this conversation?

  253. tallyHO
    August 30th, 2012 at 4:18 am [Reply]

    In Wednesday’s “Mark Trail”, Sheep Killer Deux is peeping through invisible blinds.
    Just check out his left hand.

    Popeye: Part of me doesn’t give a whit that they haven’t shown the antagonists. There’s something to be said about not showing them. It builds anticipation. It allows for the reader to imagine what they might look like. But, that’s where the problem comes in. This has gone on so long that for me, it would have to be an underground colony of Mr. Naturals all walking around with big feet, in unison, even!

    But, this is just going to be a disappointment. It could have been avoided too. If they had said no one ever has seen what they look like, they are just annoying, that would have been some tasty icing on a disappointing cake. I would have stopped looking thinking it is just a prop. They will replace it with a delicious cake later on. I just need to give them time. But, noooooooo.

    The strip just keeps on truckin’ in neutral to a slow stop.

  254. tallyHO
    August 30th, 2012 at 4:19 am [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#253):

    When will it stop? When will it end???????

    Please, move on to something, to anything with something, please.

  255. Mr. O'Malley
    August 30th, 2012 at 4:34 am [Reply]

    GA: You should have killed that out-of-date joke because it really hertz my brain.

  256. Liam
    August 30th, 2012 at 5:36 am [Reply]

    MW-Dawn is going to quit school and then promptly go back to school so she can learn what she wants to do in life.

    MT-Rusty, as you get older you will discover that all men look alike. They all look like Mark. Some people will say that is because Mark’s father was a rolling stone but others will say due to the limited amount of clip art all men will be using the “Mark Trail” template.

  257. Muttley
    August 30th, 2012 at 5:58 am [Reply]

    Is that a tire track across Wilbur’s shirt? He’s really taking this “accident survivor” career prospect up to 11!

  258. Dale
    August 30th, 2012 at 6:15 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#252):

    MARK TRAIL – Good questions. I’m guessing Rusty follows the men. To avoid being discovered, he will have to strangle Sassy.

    Both the sheep-killing ground and the cabin have to be within a few miles of the Trail homestead. In the first case, Rusty rode back and forth twice. Now he’s on foot. The two places could be in opposite directions.
    It doesn’t make sense to park their airplane and set up housekeeping wherever this is supposed to be.

  259. gleeb
    August 30th, 2012 at 6:49 am [Reply]

    A&J: His old man always wanted Gene to be a land surveyor.

  260. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    August 30th, 2012 at 7:21 am [Reply]

    9CL – So, every male dancer on Chickweed Lane has the overly-muscled frame of a bodybuilder? That must really limit the available choreography to “stand in place and lift the ballerina over your head”.

  261. Dennis Jimenez
    August 30th, 2012 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    @UNCLE LUMPY!!! (#210): I hope this doesn’t mean you’re going to go all Golum on our asses, or something….

  262. caffinatedlemur
    August 30th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Really late, I know, but it was kind of a Fridge Logic moment for me:

    If Wilbur is writing his columns under a pseudonym for an advice column, how does he know his ‘readers’ will care about the almost-but-not-really-death defying escape from the cruise ship? They’re looking for answers to their most pressing and mundane issues of the heart, not “survival” stories. Will they be outraged at this “Wilbur” person taking up Wendy’s column space?

  263. Da Coconino Kid
    August 30th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    There’s strong buzz about the disaster!

    Uncanny … a nearly AJGU-3000-level of almost-but-not-quite like any human would ever actually utter

    Wilbda: “The buzz is strong in this one, hmm?”

  264. The Cynical One
    August 30th, 2012 at 12:29 pm [Reply]

    Just stoped here to say that Wilbur’s tie is horrid.

  265. Archivalist
    August 30th, 2012 at 8:34 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know about the rest of you, but in that 2nd panel Mary Worth looks like the incarnation of pure evil.

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