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Mary Worth, 6/11/08

Is today’s panel two the most unintentionally mirth-inducing Mary Worth moment since “my very own meth lab”? It’s sure got a lot going for it. First of all, there’s the idea that Mary and/or Ron are being followed at all times by paparazzi determined to catch them canoodling sexily at one of Santa Royale’s swankiest midscale ethnic restaurants. I mean, obviously Santa Royale is the most boring city in America, but surely it can’t be so boring that the dining life of newly appointed/elected town councilmen is front page news, or any page news. Are there no zoning disputes? Are there no kittens caught in trees? Couldn’t those column inches be more productively filled with classified advertising, or legal notices?

Then there’s Jeff’s palpable and hilarious outrage. He just spent a whole series of strips arguing with Mary because she was going to blow off date night with him to go spend time with another man, and here he has photographic proof that … she spent time with the man she said she was going to spend time with! I’d say that he’s really upset about the public humiliation, but I can’t imagine that anything could be more publicly humiliating than being Mary Worth’s asexual not-boyfriend.

For Better Or For Worse, 6/11/08

I really had to go back and look carefully at the first panel of this strip and see that there was a rubber glove lying idly on the toolbench, because for a moment I thought that Ellie had torn off one of her own hands and hurled it at her lazy husband in a fit of rage.

Herb and Jamaal, 6/11/08

Ha, it’s funny because (choose one):

  • Herb’s wife has a terrible substance abuse problem and Herb needs to keep that $1,800 from going up her nose.
  • Herb has a terrible gambling problem and wants to play that $1,800 at the greyhound track before his wife fritters it away on groceries and health insurance.
  • Herb’s wife is not allowed to watch TV or read the newspaper or go online, so she has no idea what this “stimulus check” of which you speak is.

Crankshaft, 6/11/08

I suppose this is supposed to be some kind of store window display, but I really, really want to believe that Crankshaft’s daughter, desperate to find something that will keep her belligerent, disoriented father entertained, has taken him to a peep show that either has been cleaned up for family newspaper or is catering to a very specific fetish. Of course, if that were the case he’d be saying, “I guess that’s what you’d call ‘Socks in the City.’”

101 responses to “STONE COLD BUSTED!”

  1. bees on pie
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:12 pm [Reply]

    I chuckled at the last panel of today’s FOOB.

    God help me.

  2. Nekrotzar
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    I thought the 3rd panel was funny when I read it as “party plans and plutonium”

  3. BB
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    For a second, I thought that Jamaal was suggesting that they buy an ounce of the sticky icky with the stimulus check.

  4. Anna Nimity of the Podcasting Jungle Patrol
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    1. I’m with ya on that one; I pretty much chuckle whenever something is hurled at John’s head. Hurling is a FOOB speciality (at least for readers.)

  5. Eats Shoots And Leaves
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:16 pm [Reply]

    MW: In Charterstoneland, “contrary one” is a euphemism for “geriatric harlot.”

  6. filmbuff
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    I could have happily gone my entire life without seeing the words “Crankshaft” and “fetish” in the same paragraph.

  7. Tom
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    So, was he elected or appointed? I sense a scandal a-budding!

  8. Benjamin Baxter
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    Asexual? Really? Mary Worth, with her heir, money, connections and attitude, practically screams “sexually active.”

  9. Ridureyu
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:23 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth is a celebrity, Ellie abuses her husband, Herb’s wife has ruined their retirement, and Crankshaft has a foot fetish. Just another day in the funny pages!

  10. Rotten Arsenal
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    Did Mary have an accident with an ink pen or is that supposed to be a decorative pattern on the back of her dress?

  11. Uncle Lumpy
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:27 pm [Reply]

    I think Jeff’s bran’s not working.

  12. Nate
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    Is the punchline in Herb & Jamaal really so funny that it warrants not drawing 75% of Herb’s head just so we can make room for it? I submit that no, it is not.

  13. doofus
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    FOOBthe whole dress thing is just wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!

  14. Bobdog
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    I think Crankshaft is more humorous if you take it from the perspective that this is actually a Family Circus style malapropism and Crankshaft has gone through his whole wretched, miserable life really believing that it was “Socks Fifth Avenue” and not “Saks Fifth Avenue” — now admittedly, the overall incremental increase in the humor is really a negligible percentage of its already scant value and doesn’t bring this installment of Crankshaft up to a level that would correspond with anything that would be described as “funny” — but let’s keep our expectations in line with reality.

  15. The Elderly Apple Guy
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    @ #12: What you don’t see is the stream of tears coming from Herb’s eyes as he realizes the futility of his marriage.

  16. doofus
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:34 pm [Reply]

    MW Mary Mary quite contrary, oh Jeff you are a clever fellow.

  17. Dave
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:37 pm [Reply]


    This summer? So when is it due?

  18. Jamus The Bartender
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    On The Subject Of Liz And Anthony’s Summer Wedding…
    I’m suprised at you all.
    Yes, for any of US, a properly catered summer wedding would be an impossibility, where we would have to settle for sheet cake, buffalo wings, Miller Genuine Draft, and someone with a boom box playing “Champagne Jam” by Atlanta Rhythm Section.
    But not for Godmother Elly.
    All it will take is a few phone calls by Deanna, Iris, her neighbor, and other members of her “inner circle” starting out with, ” You owe your godmother a favor, and you must not refuse this favor. Meet us at your place of business at such and such a time…” and bada bing, bada boom, cake, refurbished dress, summer canopy, dance floor, DJ, photographer, and anything else i’ve forgotten….oh yes, bartender….will be taken care of. On the house.
    Naturally, Elly will be busy taking visitors, petting her dog, because a Milbouroughian ( Milbouroughite?) cannot refuse a favor on her daughter’s wedding day.
    Of course, while the wedding is going on, certain ” visits” will be made in order that things go smoothly…visits portrayed in silence while organ music by Bach plays in the background while the priest performs the wedding in Latin. Or First Nations.
    Visits to….Therese. Warren the Helicopter Pilot. Paul the Mountie. Courtney the stickey-fingers. Today, Elly settles all family business.
    Of course, Michael will be cavorting with one of the bridesmaids while Deanna takes care of the kids….HAW, gotcha, he’ll do no such thing. He’ll be going on about his new “novel” while Deanna takes care of the kids.

  19. The Archetype
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    Can someone pinpoint exactly what’s off about Jeff’s face in the last panel of todays MW?

    I mean, it’s obviously poorly drawn, but I can’t tell how, because I can’t figure out what that expression was supposed to be. I’d guess anger but it really looks more like resignation. My best guess is that it’s dawned on Jeff that his life has become so dull that even someone like Mary Worth, who has to be involved in the business of everybody who lives in or around Charterstone is no longer interested in him.

  20. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    Oh noes! There are no other comments on this new thread, I have a comment to leave, and there’s no damn way it will be done fast enough to be first! Well, let’s start:

    I’ve already got my formalwear ready for the FOOB wedding. Click my name to see it. I bought it for last year’s Shawna-Marie Welding, which those of you who were here remember I didn’t quite make it to. (Click each word in that sentence in order to read the entire epic saga!)

    Oh, well. 20th! W00t!

  21. Frank Parsnip
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    Krankschaft: Ah, the hilarity of a shopping day on the Ginza… all the high-socked fashions intended to distract eyes from seeing the thick daikon-radish calves (“lo-bo-tui” among the Chiense, “tankles” in American parlance) endemic to many Asian countries.

    MW: What on earth is that left hand of his doing in panel 1? Is it holding Mary’s hand, place on her waist? It just looks a bit inconsistent with what’s coming in panel 2, in which Jeff looks like he’s about to land a roundhouse through the paper while she looks at it, a-la-Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

    H&J: Herb might want to consider a different destination for that money. I had a great-aunt who, back in the ’30s and ’40s, had to sneak money out of her alcoholic husband’s wallet to cover basic household expenses and the payments on his life-insurance policy. Turns out she had quite a good intuitive sense of actuarial science because the early payoff covered the mortgage on her house and led her on a path towards being a fairly significant landlord within a southern college town.

  22. Shoebox
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    Lynn Johnston pretty much openly admits that she’s devolved into a talentless hack who can’t write a realistic adult relationship.

    I especially like the part where she carefully explains that ‘Elly and John think highly of [Anthony]‘. I just can’t tell you how reassuring that is, Lynn.

  23. Niall
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    True Fable!

    Just for you: Two minutes of goats! Enjoy!

  24. Frinkenstein
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:51 pm [Reply]

    I like to think Crankshaft’s daughter has taken him to a basement-level store that has a window that looks out on the street, where he can surreptitiously look up the skirts of nubile young ladies walking past. This being Crankshaft, however, all he does is bitch about the view.

  25. minor flood
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:56 pm [Reply]

    Whatever it’s mission in the funnies is intended to be, Crankshaft has single-handedly made me horrified of becoming an old asshole.

  26. Bobdog
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    Hmmm… how can the Patterson’s make this wedding that much more inconvenient for everyone involved? Maybe they could hold it in Mtigwatchamacallit and guilt trip all their friends and relatives into attending.

  27. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 11th, 2008 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    See, I thought that Thing Addams was making a cameo in today’s FOOB, about to slap John at his new mistress’s bidding. Hey, money’s tight and the Raul Julia movies were a long time ago.

  28. Fat Charlie
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:03 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Just for the record, “Socks Fifth Avenue” is too close to “Broads-way” for my prediction about the imminent stab-mugging NOT to come true. Here’s hoping it’s preceded by Crankshaft going to Fire Island and asking if he’s in Queens.

  29. Homer
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    Why is no one mentioning that a word is missing from the first sentence of the H&J strip.

  30. some guy
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:09 am [Reply]

    Jamaal forget to say “you”

  31. RaB
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    Take another look at Mary there in panel two.

    Colorless flattop with the hair brushed back, check. Spherical earrings, check.

    That ain’t Mary, that’s Coach Kaz in drag. The scandal involving both Santa Royale and Milford will shock the nation!

  32. Rusty
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:18 am [Reply]

    Foob: Not pictured: Elly taking up a hacksaw and carving John into a quivering pile of flesh. Has anyone ever bothered to compile the amount of time he spends farting around with a toy train set? At this point the fucker should be long enough to ride to the Pacific.

  33. rhymes with puck
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: These execrable puns about New York have done the impossible – they’ve actually become a worse running gag than Marvin’s Belly Laffs. Congratulations, Batiuk!

    MT: It looks like Cherry’s either had WAY too much coffee or has just realized that spending time with Kelly Welly represents her best and probably only chance at ever having an orgasm.

  34. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    # 23 Niall – I look forward to it! The firewall here at work won’t let me see it but I’ll hit the home pc as soon as I get in, and then get TWO MINUTES OF GOATASTIC VIEWING!!! YAY!!

    Something to look forward to! Thanks!

  35. Dingo
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:38 am [Reply]

    Sex and the Setee

    Elizabeth sat at the end of the couch watching the ice slowly melt in her drink. Three Vicodyn, half a bottle of her brother’s Viagra, and a Bobby Vinton album helped it along. First, the vodka soothed her. Now it helped bring on death like a velvet cushion beneath her ample derriere.

    Everything was rush, rush, rush with her family. There was no time to stop and smell the roses. To her mother, there was only time to spread manure around them and Elizabeth had finally decided this shit had to stop.

    No one was immune to Elly’s meddling. Liz’ sister-in-law, Deeana, had seemed a normal, level-headed person when she entered the family. But, after years of Elly’s prattling and Deeana having to pretend to scream like white trash at a tent revival during her faux orgasms with Michael, she finally became one of them. The Vera Wang bridal ensemble was tucked into the closet next to Liz’ collection of prosthetic wangs. It was her dream to wear designer fashion on her walk from semi-virginhood to certain celibacy. But Deeana, ooooh Deeana, found where Liz had hidden her grandmother’s wedding dress in the attic crawl space where she and Celia Rodeen used to make rabbit silhouettes with the walls of their vaginas. Deeana and the Prince had brought it to her. It smelled of the acrid years in the festering cesspool of Pattersonian patois. They made her try it on and her skin crawled as though thousands of tiny spiders or a naked Condileeza Rice were touching her. Then, they stuffed her into their car and forced her up the stairs of her grandfather’s retirement center and pretended she was her departed grandmother come back from the grave to haunt him for “shacking up” with some new woman. She appeased; he seized. Liz fought to remove his withered hands from her breasts so fiercely, she broke the old man’s thumb. Luckily, all he could shout was “Yes!” so no one knew.

    The minutes had passed like hours, the hours had passed as days, and now the family was expecting her to marry before the grandfather’s demise. She missed Paul. She missed her First Nation boyfriend with the uncircumcised cock who crowned her Miss Smegma of the North and taught her to ride it in reverse cowgirl position. She missed Warren and his sling that allowed him to lie prone on the bed with her twirling above him like the blades of a chopper while he made whooshing noises. Liz even missed Mr. Furley, the apartment manager with the cravat who taught her that no matter how old the man, an index finger and a thumb coated in extra virgin olive oil while you sat on the edge of the kitchen table in crotchless panties was the best chef to have in the kitchen.

    But the family had decided that Anthony would be the man and — even though they weren’t Hindu — it was settled. Anthony and his family would give them a donut store and his share in the car business and Liz would give up her dignity.

    The drugs were kicking into high gear. Liz’ vision became blurred and a state of euphoria overtook her. She was one pain pill away from Rush Limbaugh. She reached for the vial. Liz stumbled. She tripped over one of Francie’s toys and crashed into the fish tank. Her head dangled in the water and she began to drown. Precious air escaped from her lungs and water poured in.

    All in all, it was a good day.

  36. Orange Doorhinge
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    Elly is surrounded by tools of all sorts, and she throws a glove. Bleah. I doubt Jon even felt it.

  37. Poteet
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:42 am [Reply]

    # 20 Spectacular — Classic and classy, that’s what I say. Hope you make it to the wedding this time…or should I hope, for your sake, that you don’t?

    # 22 Shoebox — Arrgh, that was painful even to skim. Bring down that giant flaming meteor, Lynn, so you can retire and relax and stop posting on that website.

  38. Shlomo
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    I am not sure why all the Foobs are so damn interested in Jim making it to the wedding. Do they all really just want to hear him say the word “Yes” randomly during the entire wedding service?

  39. blueberrygrrrl
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    Ordinarily I don’t condone violence, but I felt oddly satisfied when I saw someone had riddled the back of her dress with bullets.

  40. blueberrygrrrl
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    I also wanted to say that I once worked as a reporter/photographer at a small-town newspaper, and I was frequently dispatched to snap lame page one photos (kids on swings, award-winning pumpkins, large snowdrifts). My favorite photo was of a granny holding up a braided rug she had made from plastic grocery bags. However, never in that paper’s 129-year history has there been a page one photo of unattractive, uninteresting patrons at the local poor-man’s Olive Garden on Senior Citizen’s Night.

  41. Kevin Moore
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    FOOB: “So I guess what you’re saying about our lives is that they are determined by the incestuous necrophiliac fantasies of a mentally damaged old man. And our daughter is simply fodder. Okay!”

  42. blueberrygrrrl
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    #39 and 40, me: Sorry–talking about Mary Worth there. I guess I just figured it would be obvious.

  43. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    Lynn Johnston has put out an announcement on her talkback feature Coffee Talk on her website, in which she “addresses” some “concerns” mentioned. In the interest of sparing my fellow CC snarkers of the full load, I’ll make commentarys on the gist of what she says.

    Among the incredible claims she makes are these:

    I have a limited time left here and every strip, now, is a statement that leads to the August 30th conclusion!! If I had sent her to visit gramps, it would have required perhaps 3 strips total to resolve interaction between them: the wedding, her work, his health, the dress and so on. Everything has a repercussion. – I have less than 30 seconds a day to lead you through the labyrinth of these characters’ lives. So. I hoped you would suppose she did visit and was just unable to see him at this time! I was wrong. It was an omission! I’m grateful for those who read between the lines and know that there is something going on in everyone’s life, and I can’t show it all!

    Maybe if you’d quit wasting precious space with your stupid rerun shit, we could.

    Please consider the fact that he has been closely tied to her family all the while she’s been away at school and up north. John and Elly invested in, buy their cars from and constantly connect with Gordon Mayes who owns a successful automotive complex with Anthony now as manager of the repairs and maintainance division. Both Elly and John regard Anthony highly and ultimately, this bodes well for Elizabeth’s future with him.

    He sounds like he makes a better used car than a used husband.

    His appearance as a successful single parent also says a lot about his ability to commit to and sustain a lasting relationship.

    Yes, it says he can sustain a lasting relationship with his old girlfriend even during the time he was married to someone else. Uh huh. And hey, he actively campaigned to have that child so he’d damn well BETTER have an ability to commit to and sustaining his fatherhood.

    I haven’t gone into a lot of kissing, embracing, “I love you dialogue” for fear of making you jump on me for being too saccharine!!

    Oh God NO! NO! NOOO!!

    I should have turned on the treacle!!

    No need to resort to threats, dammit.

    These days, we are all going well away from our families and meeting culturally diverse and exciting new people. That’s real life. I’m sorta in a wierd fantasy capsule.

    Oh no shit, Sherlock; ya think?!?

    Both Paul and Warren were new…and though they were attractive and fun…what did you REALLY know about them?

    Well, what do we really know about Anthony, other than he is neither attractive nor fun?

    Believe it or not, I do read what you say on Coffee Talk

    Oh sweet Jesus, if she ever starts reading The Comics Curmudgeon, I’m in for a world of hurt; as it is my name is probably pinned up on her dart board.

    I want my Coffee Talk mug, dammit! I plan to spit in it daily. SPIT. SPIT!

    When the story is told, you’ll be able to imagine what happens next.

    Well hell yes, your heavy-handed way of telegraphing shit is legendary around here.

    The great pleasure for ME will be in the retelling…because I’m going to add to and improve this saga…and that’s a luxury few artists have!!

    I can well imagine so, because not only will you get to do little work for a full paycheck, you’ll retcon the fuck out of your story when it could have been done right, interestingly and admirable, the FIRST DAMN TIME.


  44. Dingo
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    Thank you, True Fable, for making me laugh like Dick Cheney at an orphanage.

  45. Lu
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    I seriously cannot wait to see how MW manages to make what ought to be a hilariously awesome storyline incredibly boring. It’s like watching a dread sorcerer practice their Dark Arts, only every time they start to summon the incubus they stub their toe on their skull-shaped podium and have to stop and hop around, squealing in pain.

  46. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    Bizarro I laughed at today’s strip. Ohhh goooood.
    DtM Oh. Dear. God. Now THAT’S menacing to my brain pan. Plus 10 points and stay out of my head, you little motherfu — AARRGGHH!!
    FC Call me old-fashioned, but I thought Dolly was the only Keane kid who could immediately get in-trouble. Oh, wait! Sure, after the boys knock up Agnes, Sally Brown, Merry Patterson or little Fern, they’ll be in trouble too.
    FBoFW “Unfortunately, the crazy lady who chronicles our lives doesn’t consider ‘time-limited’ anything.”
    FW Aww. Now that’s honestly touching. I like today’s strip, it’s actually good.
    JP Yeah, Abbey, remember that $2.5 MILLION you spent a year ago, that almost made Sam show emotion? And stop posing like that, you’re distracting me.

  47. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    #44 Dingo – Why, you are quite welcome! Pleased to be able to finally give back! Your posts consistently make me cackle with laughter every time! :-)

    “Dick Cheney at an orphanage” – bwahaha!

  48. brian
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    Uh-oh! That “Socks in the City” bit with “Crankshaft” was just a little too good, just a little too perfectly sequenced a strip to yield not one but two good puns. Can our hero live to satire again with equal impunity, or will it all ring hollow, a shell of its former greatness.

  49. Poteet
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:23 am [Reply]



    FW — WHY does she want him? Ebeneezer Scrooge, pre-ghosts, was far more likeable.

    RMMD — I’m begging you, kid, tell him where the (Margo)ing mats are so we can end this painfully long stupid storyline. On my knees, I’m begging you.

  50. fluffy
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    I figured Herb was referring to the joint savings account he has with Jamall.

  51. fluffy
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:26 am [Reply]

    er, Jamaal. (I have a cold. I can’t spell good today.)

  52. bats :[
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:27 am [Reply]

    Thursday observations:

    BB: looks like it’s about time for the Galactic Emperor to pay a visit to Camp Swampy. They want to believe; they might as well get it with both barrels. Or magmacannons.

    DtM: all rightie, then…

    FW: but think…if you divorce the Pizza King, you can have Paris, and London, and Rome, and likely with a hot young guy in every one of them who might be interested in a cougar.

    MW: the saddest thing about Mary’s ensemble is not only is it hideous, but she’s worn it before — yes, like a real person, her clothing does get multiple wearings. That’s about the only real thing about her, though.

    RMMD: Oh, good…unleashing June…

    FOOB: Oh, big boo hoo, Creatrix! In your usually wordy fashion, you could’ve just as easily worked into the conversation between Liz and April that Liz HAD gone up to see Jim and have HER comment how frail he was.
    And as for a comics strip being a static medium, with only 30 seconds to convey an idea or emotions, Brooke does pretty darn well in 9CL, and he publishes that on a daily basis, just like FOOB and most likely without a cortege of assistants. Oh, yeah, and he does another semi-regular strip, too.

    At the risk of sounding like an eighth-grader, if John and Elly love Assthony so much, why don’t they marry him? If this doesn’t sound just one step removed from an arranged marriage (“he’s a fine young man…he makes a good living…he will bring honor to our family”), I don’t know what does.

    At this point, I swear I’ll just be happy if the Creatrix really and truly keeps her promise and finishes this off on 31 August. It’s a little late for a birthday present, but I’m willing to wait.

  53. Norm
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:29 am [Reply]

    Great news! Herb got that check that everyone seems to be getting from the government!

    This was pointed out on the “blog” about things: Why did Herb bring his mail into the restaurant? Wouldn’t the check get delivered to his house?

    Did he bring in the check just to show off how much bigger his check is compared to Jamaal’s? What a dick!

    #12: You know, I’ve noticed lots of H+J panels where much of Herb’s face is cut off… I suppose its to show the height difference between him and Jamaal. Still, it looks awkward, and Hilarious!

  54. ChattyGenes
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:32 am [Reply]

    #43 True Fable. Oh, Bravo! I’m still laughing!

    Your slogan should be “Truman reads the Foobsite Coffeetalk so you don’t have to. And improves it with hilarious commentary”:-)

  55. Brent
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:35 am [Reply]

    I would love to see the Foobs plunged into Pandemonium, “the High Capital of Satan and his Peers” (as John Milton originally coined the word to mean). Then I would love to see them dragged into the Circles of Hell… I’m sure Anthony’s “devotion” in his first marriage has earned him a special place in the 9th.

  56. Cyco
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    See, Herb and Jamaal is funny because sticking a stimulus check in the bank defeats the entire point of a stimulus program, which is to encourage consumer spending. Way to stick to “the Man!”

  57. ChattyGenes
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    #20 SpiderBrick. I’m SO glad you took the trouble to link to all those past posts of yours. Actually, I’d been wanting to read them again. (I can’t right now, but I’m saving them for dinnertime!) Thanks!

  58. Helena Handbasket
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:43 am [Reply]

    Can someone please tell me what the heck a “time-limited” offer is supposed to be? I see “limited-time” offers all over the place, but I’ve never heard of reversing the word order that way. Is it some weird Canuckian thing like adding extra “u”s in words like flavour?

  59. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:44 am [Reply]

    Luann Unfortunately I can’t help but believe that even if those guys in the car stopped to chat, Bernice would find some reason not to like them, Luann would chose the ONE guy who isn’t interested in her, and Delta would put them to work picking up and not give them the time of day otherwise.
    MT The squirrels are ready for their close-up.
    Marmadick Damn, that’s a mean trick to pull on your own children.
    MW So, Jeff evidently thought “seeing Ron and meddling in his life” meant the same as it did for Jeff: endless platitudes and dreary quotes from dead guys, no footsies and only the Bum Boat for dinner. Good lord, man – you’ve been Cold-Meddled.
    OBH Ruthie finds what Jeffy found the other day, and I’m going to throw up now.
    Phantom Damn, where are those natives in reed boats when you really need them? On the other side of the Atlantic, that’s where.
    Piranha Club This squicked me out because I had a specific earwig in mind – “Don’t ever laugh when a hearse goes by, or you may be the next to die…and me without a spoon, but I’ve got a straw!” eww eww eww.
    RMMD “Yes…yes I do! Because I’m MAT BOY! Mwahaha…!”
    S4th Ces, what the hell is up with the second panel? She’s leaning into the first panel but we don’t see Squirrely Girl except in the first and third panels. It’s as if Hilary’s trying hard to get away from some incredibly bad flatulence on Faye’s part or something.
    Which makes me laugh, so okay never mind.

  60. jk9000
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:09 am [Reply]

    Interestingly, the “Mary Mary, Quite Contrary” nursery rhyme Jeff alludes too is actually about a ruthless queen named Mary, who tortures then beheads unruly subjects who refuse to fall in line.

    Surprisingly relevant, Jeff! But more a comment on Mary’s general life, not her Not-a-Date with some dude.

  61. Frank Parsnip
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    Orange Doorhinge (36): Elly is surrounded by “tools” all the damn time in that awful, horrid family. But on a more literal level, you’re completely right that the opportunity to lay open Rod/John’s skull with a ball-peen hammer was utterly missed. And when Rod/John doesn’t feel that glove, it will just be more fodder for Lynn’s effort to portray her ex as “insensitive” in yet one more way. Given what I’ve seen online of Rod’s enormous model railroad, Lynn would be justified in using a sledge to reduce much of her backyard to something resembling the Hamburg railyards in 1945.

    Dingo (35): Brilliant work there! My guess is that springing Lizzie in her grandmother’s dress on old Jim is going to set loose a demon. As fast as an old man can shout “BOXCAR!” and certainly faster than one of Rod’s model trains entering a long, dark tunnel, Lizzie will be in for the surprise of her life.

    A3G: Haley knows all about the dope business and how to get started. If you want to be successful like Jones, you need a bunch of cash and reach the kind of classy drug users who aren’t really addicted.

    Krankenschaft: The Mets versus The Met. Yeah, I can see how the opportunity to see National League baseball out in Flushing would appeal strongly to a bus driver from Ohio. Perhaps it would be good to pester her some more — the game against Arizona is starting already…

    Jugs Parker: Hey, but the good news is that Biff’s farm comes complete with everything you need to grow lots of pot.

    MT: Kelly Welly thinks she can use Doc Davis as “the scientist” in her movie to get a creepy “Lost Forest of Doctor Moreau” vibe going. Little does she know that he’s actually been making little manimals for some years, thus explaining the near-constant stream of commentary from random forest animals and waterbirds. If Doc has his way, he’ll have a little petri dish maked “Kelly W brain samples” within the fortnight.

    MW: Considering the assholish meltdown she had with Dr. Jeff just a few days back in which she imperially sent him packing, this little bit is just too priceless. Go back to May 29th’s second panel to see Mary ordering Jeff out like a frickin’ dog.

    Funky Winkerbean: Yeah, nice of Funky to use a “farewell forever” line from an old movie to try to express “happy anniversary”. Mommy, I don’t like this alternate future… can’t we just go back to when everyone was dying of cancer?

    Sex Organ, M.D.: “Yeah, tell us where the wrestling mats are before they kill again!” By the way, did you know that wrestling mats save more lives than they take — by a factor of over 100%! Remember, wrestling mats don’t kill people, MRSA and Cully Vale do. This message has been brought to you by the Alliance for Wrestling Mat Common Sense. “Hi, I’m John McCain and I approve this message.”

    Mallard Fillmore: Tinsley appears quite hostile towards those who don’t fully support the government in anything it proposes. And I suppose that voter profile also includes everybody who blindly supported the Bush government and the GOP majority in both houses during all those years?

    Slylock Fox: In panel one, the big-game hunter is damned if he does; in panel two, he’s damned if he doesn’t

    Sally Forth: If Hil and Faye become superstars as “misfits,” it will be because Hollywood has different values than Americans living in the so-called bible belt.

    9DickweedLane: Why on earth is Isabel wearing what looks like plaid wool Capri pants? Of all the ways to provide shading and texture to these pants and he chooses this?!?

    Marvin: The closest Marvin is going to be to Willoughby is when he sticks gum in the hair of a Dashwood girl, thus causing the lock of hair to be cut. Please, please, please get out of this awful Jane Austen mode. It’s not funny.

    Cathy: Panel 1 is further evidence helping to confirm that Cathy’s mother is Kali, the multiple-armed goddess of death. The drawing doesn’t show her lower half so that we are deprived a view of her skirt of severed human arms, although her blouse seems to be bulging from the necklace of severed human heads. For a fuller view of Kali (ACK!), check out this link:

  62. Frank Parsnip
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    Oops – my mistake on Mallard Fillmore: I meant to write that Tinsley is quite hostile to those who support the government in everything. I on the other hand am quite hostile towards my own insertion of extraneous words that completely change the meaning of a sentence.

  63. Echo
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:54 am [Reply]

    Can I just say that I love this Mary Worth storyline? I love this Mary Worth storyline. I haven’t figured out why — maybe it’s because Mary’s meddling shows hints of catching up with her. There’s something very Golden Girls about the whole thing, too.

    FOOB: “If Elizabeth wants him to see her married in my mom’s dress…” is extremely weird phrasing. Like, Liz wouldn’t care if her grandfather saw her married in any other dress. Just his wife’s. Which takes me to an icky place.

    As for John, he’s the good one here: too bad Elly hasn’t remained as hands-off in her daughter’s life. Her grubby mitts are already all over the marriage, she should leave the wedding alone. Liz is an independent adult, for cripe’s sake, this is her marriage and — oh wait. Never mind.

  64. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:55 am [Reply]

    #61 Frank Parsnip – Wonderful snark you have today, and I’m especially glad you snarked on Cathy – I could not think of Kali or Doc Ock or ANYTHING close.

    And I like your MT idea – I ought to put something like it in Mark Trail Reader’s Theater in the Forums. Bwahaha!

  65. bats :[
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    No matter what, you just know that Mary’s going to come out on top. And if you’re lucky, she won’t bury you in platitudes when she’s done, either:

  66. True Fable
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:01 am [Reply]

    # 63 Echo – I’m hoping for implosions in Mary Worth, implosions of guilt and regret that will result in Mary’s downward spiral into an alcoholic haze in which Aldo returns and haunts her.

    (You know if this was FOOB, Dr. Jeff would accuse her of giving him “the Bum’s rush!” or some damn thing or other. Thank GOD we don’t have cross-pollination between the two.)

    I want Jeff to take interest in another woman for a while, while Mary discovers Ron is not the suave sophisticate she thinks he is. Or maybe he will tell her at some point that his job takes precedence over dinner with her. All that “I just enjoy helping people” crap from the first of the year will leap up and bite her in the ass. Oh, I’m loving this storyline more and more, too! It’s almost Aldolicious!

  67. dale
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:10 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth appointed/elected

    In a real newspaper, that’s because the writers and copy editors wouldn’t know or notice the difference. They seem incredibly, for people in their business, unaware that words have meanings.

    It’s probably just a lack of comic strip continuity.

    They could argue that he was elected by the remainder of the council, but his term is an appointment because he wasn’t elected in a general election.

  68. Eric the Baker, Jungle Patrol Nutrition Division
    June 12th, 2008 at 3:23 am [Reply]

    I just finished reading Lynn’s mini-manifesto at the FBOFW site. Here’s how it reads to me.

    She complaining about the restrictive confines of her chosen medium. It seems that she can’t stop thinking that if she had some other way to present her ideas, then more of her audience would SURELY “get” her. She appreciates the ones who do “get” her, and is saddened by those who don’t understand.

    Argh…. it sounds like George Lucas syndrome. “I have all of these wonderful ideas. I just wish the presentation medium were able to show my artistic vision!” “Ohh, look digital effects. Now I can tell the story I always had in mind from the first. Never mind that major plot points seem different from what I showed before. That’s just the result of me not being able to show my ideas before. I *REALLY* had this whole story in mind the whole time!”

    Blergh… I hope I saved a barf bag from my last air travel experience, and can find it in the next 30 seconds. The bile is already rising in my throat.

  69. MWDG
    June 12th, 2008 at 5:16 am [Reply]

    God forgive me… Jeff BELT her

  70. Shoshi
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:45 am [Reply]

    My local paper removed FOOB. But they got so many complaints they put them back within a week. Today they ran the previous week’s strips, so people could catch up. When I saw the story line about Liz getting married right away so her grandfather will be there (even though she can’t be bothered to go in and say “hi” when she picks April up from his place), I had to check in here and see what the Mudges were saying!

  71. Brick Bradford
    June 12th, 2008 at 7:46 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth caught in an indescretion is like naked pictures of Dr. Laura showing up on the internet–it’s NEWS peope! “Local goddess of propriety shows feet of clay”–film at 11!

  72. anthom
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    If I never see the word “stimulus” in such close proximity to Jamaal’s oddly-shaped head again, it will be too soon.

  73. K. Ivan Ruppert
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    How sad is it that apparently my life imitates Ziggy of all fricken things? I couldn’t afford to put gas in my car this week until I got my Stimulus Check on Wednesday. I was not prepared for my life to sink to these depths, if anyone needs me, I’ll be hanging from a rafter in the corner.

  74. Grover Cleveland
    June 12th, 2008 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    FOOB: What makes the wedding scheduling especially problematic is that the Canadian summer lasts for only a week-and-a-half.

  75. Lithros
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    Jeff is actually upset about the fact that, once again, his letters to the Daily News requesting a large-type edition have been ignored. His dramatic presentation is his way of asking Mary to help with the problem. Get ready for several years of Mary having planning meetings with the newspaper editor, collecting donations to make up for the lost advertising space, finding out about the editor’s troubled relationship with his son, tricking them into going to a baseball game together, then soliloquizing on how good her intentions were after the set-up causes the son to drink himself into a stupor and wind up in rehab/Thailand/Hell.

  76. Stranger...
    June 12th, 2008 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    OK, the scariest thing to me about the Crankshaft comic, was that Josh came up with a perfectly good substitution for the text. As if Josh himself could write Crankshaft text. I’m sure Batiuk is slapping his forehead now and saying, “Why didn’t I think of that!?!” I’m also fairly certain Josh is slapping himself on the head (repeatedly) and saying “I though of that?!”.

  77. CKWatt
    June 12th, 2008 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    Am I the only nerd that thought of Tranzor Z after seeing the flying glove of doom?

  78. Astroboy
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    #35 Dingo: Well done, my friend, well done!

  79. Anonymous
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    Who the hell is getting $1,800 stimulus checks, Josh? Are you implying that Herb has two wives, and they all file their taxes jointly? Is Herb a member of the FLDS church? No wonder he doesn’t want the check getting home. After all, womens is for procreating, not spending money.

    The other possibility is it’s a $600 check because Herb and the missus don’t file jointly. Which also means she’s got her own $600 check to put up her nose, so she’ll probably forget for a while that there should be another $600 in the bank.

  80. Colinski
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    Whoops, I just assumed this site still retained my info. #79 is me.

  81. Josh
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:45 pm [Reply]

    #80 Colinski –

    In addition to the $600 each for you and your spouse, you also get $300 per kid. Don’t forget about those tax rebates for little Elijah and Uhuru!

    Sweet Jesus, I know the names of Herb of Herb and Jamaal‘s kids without looking them up. I need to do some long, hard thinking about my life.


  82. Emma
    June 12th, 2008 at 2:02 pm [Reply]

    I just dread it when my boyfriend starts a conversation with “aren’t you the contrary one?”

    I mean I would, if it ever happened.

    To anyone.


  83. Fauxdian Slip
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    Mary, Mary, Oh so scary,
    How does your dominance grow?

    With put-on airs, and self-righteous stares,
    Your victims you viciously mow!

  84. electro
    June 12th, 2008 at 4:55 pm [Reply]

    “I can’t imagine that anything could be more publicly humiliating than being Mary Worth’s asexual not-boyfriend.”

    Au contraire, Josh! It would be far more publicly humiliating to be known as Mary Worth’s sexual boyfriend. At least it would to me…

  85. Full Batch
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:07 pm [Reply]

    Best wishes.

  86. loudlikeamouse
    June 12th, 2008 at 6:17 pm [Reply]

    I think that’s the first time Herb and Jamaal have offended the Bush Administration. “What? They’re SAVING the stimulus check? NO! THAT RUINS OUR ENTIRE PLAN!”

  87. Champ
    June 12th, 2008 at 8:10 pm [Reply]

    Thank goodness we were spared the photos taken earlier by the paparazzi that revealed Mary wasn’t wearing any underwear.

  88. fishmorgjp
    June 12th, 2008 at 10:32 pm [Reply]

    33 rhymes with puck: re Crankshaft/ Marvin — maybe the same ghastly, vaporous entity that possessed the Marvin team to grind out “Belly Laffs” left them, and now inhabits Batuik to make the current Crankshaft gags.

  89. TripeHoundRedux
    June 13th, 2008 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    I’m suprised H&J was so specific as to call it a stimulus check and not “that free money from the government that everyone’s talking about”.

  90. JPool
    June 13th, 2008 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    [S]he spent time with the [very] man she said she was going to spend time with!

    How ironic.

  91. Muffaroo
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    Crankshaft – The day-to-day dialog and stuff are just window dressing. The real joke of the strip is that C has no neck, yet his name is an apparent euphemism for the ‘neck’ part of one’s John Thomas. Maybe when he’s happy, his neck extends more fully?

  92. battery
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